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00:30Um, how much is this?
00:38Three pounds.
00:39Ah.
00:42Is there something wrong with your head?
00:45Are you wagging it to say no, there's nothing wrong with my head, or is it just uncontrollable?
00:50Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
00:52Well, I was thinking two pounds.
00:54Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book.
00:57A mere 912 pages long.
01:02What'll I do with that extra pound?
01:04I'll add an acre to the grounds.
01:05I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond.
01:09No, I know.
01:10I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
01:13Two-fifty.
01:14That's more like it.
01:16Hmm.
01:16Now you're being reasonable.
01:21Two-fifty gets you this much.
01:26You can have the rest, then you come back with the other 50p.
01:30Bernard.
01:36Don't start, customer lover.
01:38I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
01:41What for?
01:42The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is.
01:44If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
01:46It needs doing.
01:48It's charming.
01:49It has character.
01:50Character is an ambience, a feeling.
01:53It's not something with fur and a beak.
01:54It's not something with fur and a beak.
02:05Move the nest again.
02:08I was going to get two brushes, by the way.
02:10You can paint with both hands.
02:11That's nice.
02:12Well, I was kind of thinking that...
02:13No, you weren't.
02:14You just thought you were thinking.
02:16Well, maybe if...
02:16No!
02:17But if...
02:18No!
02:19I don't want to be bothered, you big, hairy...
02:24Oh, hello.
02:26Hello.
02:27What's the matter with you?
02:29Dunno.
02:31I'm just a big cloud of dunno.
02:35Since my shop closed down, I just feel empty all the time.
02:38You hated your shop?
02:39Yeah.
02:41But hating it took up my whole life.
02:43Without it, I'm disconnected.
02:45I keep buying things to cheer myself up.
02:47I go to get a paper and I come back with all this.
02:52It's chocolates.
02:54Magazines.
02:54And a Vauxhall Astra.
03:00Well, this is a very difficult time for you, you know.
03:03But you shouldn't be ashamed of getting professional help.
03:06You mean I should talk to a...
03:07Barman.
03:07Yes.
03:08The pub.
03:09Right now.
03:09Is that serious?
03:10Oh, yes.
03:12Manny!
03:13Can you look after the shop until Manny gets...
03:15You're not busy, are you?
03:18Keep an eye on the shop, would you?
03:19For an hour.
03:20You're not busy.
03:49Sorry, wrong show.
04:19Hello, sir. I am the Information Point. Can I help you?
04:38I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnailed boots.
04:43I want to jump up and down on somebody who's trying to ruin my life.
04:46Look, I can explain. I went to get paint and I went to that big bookshop, you know, saga books.
04:51They had coffee and places to sit.
04:55And I thought what we really need is to be more like them.
04:58I walked in and I instantly bought £114 worth of books.
05:01All because it was so nice in there. I mean, look at this. Look.
05:04A novel by a 12-year-old Spaniard.
05:07An account of the Nazi space programme.
05:10This won't work!
05:11A large print biography of Basil Brush. Actually, that's quite good.
05:16No-one needs sophers that eat you. No-one needs information points.
05:21Well, Fran did. She was looking for something to occupy her.
05:24So I suggested she check out her family tree.
05:26And I informed her of our new genealogy section.
05:29Hey, hey, hey, Wright. If you trace it back, and, you know, I might be wrong about this,
05:33but I come from a very good line and, apparently, I am Queen Victoria's uncle.
05:43I'll start again.
05:44It's all going back to how it was. Coffee and books is a fad.
05:49Nobody is going to be fooled by this.
05:52Excuse me. Could I have these, please?
05:54Sorry, very 80 pounds.
05:55It's a lot, isn't it?
05:56But, er, your information points showed me where they were,
05:59and I sat on your comfortable sofa and flicked through them,
06:02and I thought,
06:03Oh, treat yourself.
06:05Come again?
06:10With coffee that good?
06:12I think I will.
06:40I'm back now.
07:05I know!
07:10I've been to the shops. That deserves a star, doesn't it?
07:14No, stars are for achievement.
07:17My four-tooth cigarette this afternoon.
07:20That deserves a star.
07:35OK, wait for this. Oh, this is brilliant.
07:38I had another go at doing my family tree,
07:40and I've found that I've got relatives from Eastern Europe
07:43living practically round the corner.
07:45I mean, it's amazing the way you put the jigsaw together.
07:49Now, well, stop me if this gets boring,
07:51but first you just check the parish records.
07:53Stop!
07:57Well, I don't care, because I've got roots.
08:00I don't need you.
08:02Sorry to be such a bore!
08:05Now, if you'll excuse me,
08:07I am going to be with my people.
08:10I am going to be with my people.
08:11I am going to be with my people.
08:17Um, Poliknish.
08:37Poliknish!
08:47No, no, don't wipe.
08:50Ah, you've never had a traditional Tishtayan kiss before.
08:55You poor car.
09:00Here she is.
09:02Ah, Fran! Poliknish!
09:06This is Frederick.
09:11Martina!
09:17And Gregor.
09:21Our long-lost cousin.
09:24Sit, Fran, sit.
09:26Drink bean tea with us.
09:29Oh, it's in a little glass.
09:34No, no, that's your right hand.
09:36That's how they drink tea in Afghanistan.
09:39Anyone who drinks tea with their right hand is an enemy.
09:41Hooray!
09:52Oh, tell us all about yourself, Fran.
09:55Well, um, I was born...
09:56Do you have a car?
09:59Yes.
10:00Well, I mean, it's just an Astro.
10:01Astro Whiskey.
10:03You have such a success in our family.
10:06Someone who owns an Astro.
10:08Well, Poliknish.
10:15Oh, isn't this nice?
10:23Poliknish.
10:27I have to have the rest of that book.
10:30Here's at 50p.
10:31Hmm.
10:36Hmm.
10:37Hmm.
10:38I was thinking £15.
10:40What?
10:41No, you're right.
10:41£25.
10:43This is totally unfair.
10:48Hmm.
10:49Hmm.
10:53Bernard, what you just did directly contravenes our Customer Code Promise pledge.
10:57What?
10:57If we're going to compete with the big shops, we have to offer a service equal to theirs.
11:01That's why we came up with the CCPP.
11:03Oh, we did, did we?
11:04You were actually helping a customer when it was drawn up.
11:07The fellow with the red hair, do you remember?
11:08Kept calling you burn, because of your badge.
11:11It's just quite funny, actually.
11:12Burn.
11:16One, the customer is not only always right, he or she is also fun to be around.
11:21Be sure to remark on their wise choices and laugh at their jokes.
11:25If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual, well, no harm done.
11:30Can't say it's not working.
11:32Two, if the sides of your head don't hurt, you're not smiling enough.
11:37Yes?
11:38More?
11:39More?
11:39No, that looks nasty.
11:41Take it down.
11:41That's it.
11:44The customers can only be happy if the staff are happy.
11:47The management should have regular meetings with the staff to stand out any grievances.
11:51Manny, how's it going?
11:52Fine.
11:52Good.
11:54Meeting over.
11:56Oh, look, you've popped out.
12:07What are you doing tomorrow, Fran?
12:14Nothing planned.
12:15Because Martina's moving into a new flat, and she needs a bit of help with it, and none of us have a car.
12:20Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
12:23I'll help, no problem.
12:25Talk, talk.
12:26After that, there's some ham I need to pick up from Focuston.
12:30Lots of ham.
12:32Focuston.
12:32Sure, I'll take you, yeah.
12:37Hooray!
12:42Yeah, Bernard.
12:43See that bloke over there with the cappuccino?
12:45I just sold him Ulysses, a guide to Ulysses, and a handbook to the Ulysses guide.
12:49Now, can I have a star, please?
12:52You can have as many stars as you like, because I'm not doing this anymore.
13:01I want less people in the shop.
13:03I'm sick of this.
13:04If we're not reordering this or that book, we're steaming milk for the bambuccinos.
13:08We're like a high street chain.
13:10They don't respect us because we've given them everything.
13:17Right here.
13:20Where did they go?
13:21What did we do?
13:22Where did they go?
13:22Well, it's quarter to one.
13:24They went to get some food, I think.
13:25We've got coffee.
13:25Is that not enough for them?
13:27He said he wanted less people in the shop.
13:28Don't twist my words.
13:29He said he wanted less people in the shop.
13:31We can't let them find reasons to leave.
13:33We can feed them.
13:34Lunch and dinner.
13:35And we'll build a pool.
13:37And a gym.
13:38And an Egyptian-style casino.
13:39No, no, that's a bit much.
13:41But the food, if they could eat, they'd stay and buy books all day long.
13:45From now on, Manny, we run a full restaurant service.
13:48Do your friends at Cycle Books do that?
13:49Huh?
13:50Huh?
13:50I don't think so.
13:52We can't run a restaurant.
13:53Of course we can.
13:54Because from now on, the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars.
13:59Michelin stars.
14:02Damn as well!
14:03Oh, I'm tired, Grandma.
14:18Can I have a cold drink, please?
14:20Oh, Fran, what you need is some hot bean tea.
14:23Huh?
14:24I'm sorry I couldn't help with the hams, but it messes up my hair.
14:31I, uh, I think I'll go home.
14:34Get to bed.
14:35Yes, rest, Fran.
14:36Then on Saturday, you will take Gregor to the hospital.
14:40It's a little out of the way, this hospital.
14:42Aberdeen.
14:43Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't.
14:45Take a jiffy.
14:47Maybe two little jiffies.
14:48I can't.
14:49Because I'm...
14:50I'm giving a talk at the London School of Economics, and also I have to have a bath.
14:58Let me explain, Fran.
15:02Any one member of the family is like this bean.
15:07But the family is tightly bound, like this sausage.
15:13And if one member does not help the family, well...
15:20Saturday, you drive.
15:37Have you got the lobsters?
15:43Put them in the pot.
15:46What's it going to be?
15:47Our signature dish.
15:49Luxury pie.
15:50The food of kings.
15:53Truffles.
15:54Saffa.
15:55Caviar.
15:56And champagne.
15:59Drizzle it, drizzle it.
16:07Mmmmmmm.
16:14Average.
16:16Okay, starter's done.
16:18Now for the mains.
16:20Bernard, all this food is attracting those creatures.
16:23They're getting bigger.
16:24Look, look, he's got an onion.
16:25This isn't hygienic.
16:26All the birds kittens are dirty.
16:27It's a sign of life.
16:28Slice the garlic.
16:30There's too much life in here.
16:32They're getting huge.
16:33We'll assume you had to saddle them up and ride into town.
16:35Look, I'm not totally convinced we should open as a restaurant.
16:40And if we do, and as I say, I'm not entirely sure,
16:42I don't think we should open tonight.
16:46Shut up.
16:47I'm trying to make creme brulee.
16:53Do you have to drink quite so much wine?
16:54Yes, I do.
16:55How else are we going to get candles in empty wine bottles?
16:59There's two for you.
16:59Get stuck in.
17:03Why are you talking in English?
17:04I don't want to hear French in my kitchen.
17:06No, n'y a pas de, anything else.
17:12Peter!
17:15It's mine, I think.
17:17I'm in trouble.
17:18I need some advice.
17:19Hang on.
17:19Right.
17:31That family I found.
17:32I met them, I became one of them,
17:34and now I really, really want to get rid of them.
17:36Right.
17:39And you got me into it.
17:41So, Mr Information Man,
17:43how do I get out?
17:43OK.
17:45What about this?
17:50Fred!
17:52Hold the car.
17:53Never better.
17:55Ooh, tea.
17:59Oh!
18:01My right hand.
18:02How awful.
18:02Oh, I'll make it up to you
18:06by singing
18:07the Tishtaya National Anthem.
18:10I've been practising.
18:11Ahem, ahem, ahem.
18:14Ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:16Ha, ha, ha.
18:16Nevo,
18:18beat me.
18:20Ha, ha, ha.
18:21Oh, no, that's the Afghistan National Anthem.
18:25It is the verse which mocks our country's
18:26nuclear power facilities.
18:29Well, you'll have to disown me now,
18:31won't you?
18:33People with astros can drink with their right hand
18:35and sing whatever they like.
18:37That's how it's been for centuries.
18:39So, we forgive you.
18:44Let's celebrate with a drive-around town
18:46and an up-slap meal, eh?
18:52Where's the thing?
18:53On the thing, on top of the thing.
18:59The mange is always so fiddly.
19:02What's this?
19:03Gourmet food is always presented in little towers.
19:05What's that?
19:06Soup.
19:06Well, get it in the tower.
19:07Come on.
19:08You're a cook.
19:09You have to commit.
19:10Show me your hands.
19:13Cooks have burns.
19:15You're a cook.
19:16I'll do it to myself.
19:18Later.
19:19Come on.
19:20Quick, quick.
19:21Come on.
19:24Come on.
19:28Fran, our food's very late.
19:30Fran, make food calm.
19:32Fran, it didn't work.
19:36I can't get rid of them.
19:37Fran, I want you to be a waitress.
19:38No, I'm sick of doing favours.
19:41I can pay you.
19:41Really?
19:42No.
19:43Okay.
19:44Check this out.
19:45Table 12.
19:46No, there are no plates.
19:48Well, use recipe books with pictures of plates on the front.
19:52Do I have to explain everything?
19:54Not enough mints.
20:00Manny, do you have a tower of soup for me?
20:07What's this?
20:09Where are the turrets?
20:10It's rubbish!
20:11Where are my ingredients?
20:14We've cooked them all.
20:16I don't care.
20:18I can make feasts for many.
20:20This paint.
20:21This paint will make a tasty dish.
20:22My oven can cook anything.
20:28My oven can cook bits of oven.
20:32Yes.
20:33Yes.
20:35Yes, oh yes, oh yes.
20:46Providing excellent food at reasonable prices.
20:48It's not that hard.
20:49Has everyone finished being sick yet?
20:52No, I think Grandma has some way still to go.
21:01I brought you here.
21:03You all got food poisoning.
21:05It's all my fault.
21:07I can't ask you to forgive me now.
21:10The bonds of third cousinhood can never be broken.
21:13Now, you take us home.
21:18Wait a minute.
21:18Oh, no.
21:32Something terrible has happened.
21:35Someone's outfired to the car.
21:51Still, I know that in this moment of hardship,
21:55my family.
21:58Stick behind it.
22:00Look.
22:12No, no.
22:12They didn't go there.
22:13They went over there.
22:14We're a bookshop, Manny.
22:21What is wrong with that?
22:22Yeah.
22:24Trying to be a restaurant.
22:26What were we thinking?
22:27Ha, yeah.
22:30And the bloody sofa and the stupid coffee.
22:34Ridiculous.
22:35The place is lovely as it is.
22:40Oh, I'm free.
22:43Anyway, my friends have always been my real family.
22:47What do you want?
22:49Tenner.
22:49I have to take a taxi to my evening class.
22:52Evening class?
22:53What are you doing, then?
22:53Persian cats throughout French history.
22:55Just to fill the time.
23:11I did it.
23:12I got the queen.
23:19I got the queen.
23:49I got the queen.
23:50I got the queen.
23:51I got the queen.
23:52I got the queen.
23:53I got the queen.
23:54I got the queen.
23:55I got the queen.
23:56I got the queen.
23:57I got the queen.
23:58I got the queen.
23:59I got the queen.
24:00I got the queen.
24:01I got the queen.
24:02I got the queen.
24:03I got the queen.
24:04I got the queen.
24:05I got the queen.
24:06I got the queen.
24:07I got the queen.
24:08I got the queen.
24:09I got the queen.
24:10I got the queen.
24:11I got the queen.
24:12I got the queen.
24:13I got the queen.
24:14I got the queen.
24:15I got the queen.
24:16I got the queen.
24:17I got the queen.
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