- 2 days ago
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00:30Oh, you reckon they got in through the back?
00:33Yeah, so we reckon it was drug addicts.
00:36Right.
00:36Yeah, they took all the drugs.
00:37Yeah, we had a whole packet of Beecham's, a bottle of Night Nurse, it's all gone.
00:41Don't surprise me, from where I'm standing, there are 145 points of entry into the shop.
00:47Are there?
00:47Yeah, listen, try and kick me out.
00:49All right.
00:55You see?
00:56That's why you need this.
00:59Normally I'm asked to install this system in zoos.
01:01The glass is soundproofed.
01:03Why do you need soundproofing in zoos?
01:05Well, otherwise the kids start calling the lines pricks.
01:07Oh, right.
01:09It's a very good system.
01:10You know the CIA?
01:11Yeah.
01:11They don't use this system.
01:14They'd probably use something a lot better.
01:15Oh, right.
01:16Right.
01:17Wow.
01:18Yeah, because I always read something about the CIA.
01:20You know, apparently they've got this stationary, right?
01:22It looks perfectly normal, but when you write on it, it dissolves.
01:26Nice bollocks.
01:28Right.
01:29Very simple.
01:29When you're going out, just press 0-5 to arm.
01:36And to disarm, just press 3-3-6-9-8-8-5-4-2-1.
01:413-9-9.
01:56You listen to me, or what?
01:58What?
01:58Yeah, uh, yeah.
01:59Do you want me to go through it again?
02:01No, no, that's fine.
02:03Hi, Bernard.
02:05The alarm system's on.
02:06It prevents the door from being open unless you put in the code.
02:11It makes it more secure.
02:13Uh, the glass is soundproofed.
02:16All right, the glass is soundproofed.
02:19The thicker glass...
02:20You know what you are?
02:21You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
02:32Well, here I am.
02:34Listen, uh, your friend here's got all the details,
02:36so, uh, I'll be off.
02:39But, uh, certainly remember the three F's.
02:41The three F's?
02:42Yeah.
02:43Security, security, security.
02:44Three.
02:45Oh, I'm sorry.
02:46I didn't get to what you were saying because of your missing lisp.
02:48Sorry.
02:48Sorry.
02:51So, what did you tell them?
02:52They got them through the back?
02:54Yes.
02:54Yeah, I wouldn't do to let them know we went out and you left the front door open, would it?
02:58Yeah, but what sort of world is it where you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?
03:02It's this sort of world, Gandalf.
03:06All right, this is the main lock.
03:08You arm it by pressing zero five.
03:11Hang on.
03:13Hello?
03:14Yes.
03:14Oh, well, no, I am going to pay that bill.
03:16I am.
03:18Yes, I know.
03:19Yeah.
03:20No, I...
03:22Yeah.
03:22Excuse me, could you?
03:23Hang on.
03:24Sorry.
03:24Yes.
03:28Oh, you agree completely with everything I'm saying.
03:30That's terrific.
03:31Bye.
03:31How much for these?
03:39Forty pounds.
03:40They're worth more than that.
03:41These are good hardbacks.
03:44Tolstoy.
03:44I know, I know, I know.
03:46But I don't want them.
03:47I mean, you know, I'll have to price them then and put them up on the shelves and store them
03:51and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know,
03:57and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know.
04:02Just please take them away.
04:03Go away.
04:03Sorry, no.
04:04It won't work.
04:04Here, look.
04:05Here.
04:05Here.
04:07There's Forty Gwade.
04:08Just take them away.
04:09Please.
04:15I got it.
04:16Aha.
04:17Give, give, give.
04:18Give.
04:19Oh, my God.
04:20What?
04:21It's Howell.
04:22Howell Granger.
04:23I was at college with him.
04:25Well, go and say hello.
04:26No, no, don't.
04:26No, don't.
04:26He confuses me.
04:28What?
04:29He confuses me.
04:30He's...
04:31He's a total arsehole.
04:33But he's got this voice and it just does things to me.
04:38Fran.
04:41My God.
04:43What are you doing here?
04:44Oh.
04:46Hello.
04:46I have a shop.
04:50Um, I mean, I work next door.
04:53Oh.
04:53Um, how are you?
04:55Oh, I'm great, you know.
04:57Still beavering away in Radio 4.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Hey, you look fran-tastic.
05:05You sound well.
05:06Oh, thank you.
05:07Oh, thank you.
05:08Well, I hope so.
05:09I'm doing the shipping forecast this evening.
05:11That's good.
05:13Oh, well.
05:14I suppose I'd better shuffle off before I buy something.
05:17I'm voracious at the moment, Fran.
05:19I seem to be swallowing books whole.
05:21Absolutely devouring them.
05:23I'm ravenous.
05:25Anyway.
05:26Here's my number.
05:28Should you wish to give me a tinkle?
05:30Pup-pup-pup-pup.
05:33Goodbye.
05:34Arrivederci, Francesca.
05:36Hey, Genghis.
05:45It's your cinema night tonight, isn't it?
05:48Yeah.
05:49I'm going to see Arm Apocalypse.
05:50You want to come?
05:52Do you know, I don't think I will, no.
05:53Fran and I are meeting for drinks.
05:55Aren't you Fran?
05:56Shipping.
05:58Trying something new.
05:59Absence.
06:00You know that one?
06:01You know that slogan?
06:01The drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly?
06:06Looking forward to that, eh, Fran?
06:08Forecast.
06:10That's right.
06:17Do you think I should wash my beard?
06:19I think you should wash it, yeah.
06:21Then shave it off.
06:23Nail it to a frisbee.
06:26And fling it over a rainbow.
06:31All right.
06:32What was the last film you went to see?
06:34Uh, oh, that one.
06:36You know, the astronauts.
06:38What, Armageddon?
06:39No, no, before that.
06:40You know the one at the end, he goes,
06:42You did it!
06:43You finally did it!
06:44And then you see the Statue of Liberty on the beach.
06:46That was the last film we went to see, Planet of the Apes.
06:48Yeah, amazing effects, you know.
06:50You really believed monkeys could have meetings.
06:54Yeah, and you've not been to the cinema since then?
06:57No.
06:58It's all tossycock.
06:59Yeah, well, it's better than staying in and getting mashed every night with no company except the dead bees on the windowsill.
07:05I like the dead bees on the windowsill.
07:07At least they don't go out and leave the front door open and get us robbed.
07:10Don't get judgy with me, Ming the Merciless.
07:13Listen, show me, what's the story with this alarm thing, anyway?
07:18How does it work?
07:19What do you do?
07:20Right.
07:21Now, you press, what is it, 05 to arm it?
07:24Yes, you press 05, and then you go out, and it'll lock automatically.
07:30All right, OK.
07:30And then when you come back in, you punch in the code, and the lock will open.
07:34Sorry, first question.
07:35What?
07:35When I come in?
07:36Yes.
07:37After I come in?
07:38Yes.
07:39But how do I get into the locked door?
07:41Ah, well, you see, that's the clever thing.
07:43All right, yeah.
07:51Could you repeat the question?
07:52I'm outside.
07:53The door is locked.
07:54Right.
07:55The keypad is inside.
07:56Right, sorry, my fault.
07:56So how can I possibly enter the building?
07:58My fault, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see.
07:59OK.
07:59No, no, the thing is, uh, the, um, what is it?
08:03The code.
08:04Say, thank you for that.
08:06Yes, sorry to bring this up again.
08:07How do I get in?
08:08The code opens the door.
08:09I know the code opens the door.
08:11But how do I get in to punch in the code to open the door?
08:19OK, for the moment, just tell me the code.
08:22There was a little man.
08:27There was a little man.
08:28That's the code.
08:28No, no, no, no, I didn't actually hear the code because he had a little man in his hair.
08:36Well, the little man in my hair is getting very, very angry.
08:40What are you talking about?
08:41He had a Sibutio player in his hair.
08:43I got distracted.
08:48So essentially what we have here is a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out of the building.
08:52Yes.
08:53Yes, including us.
08:53Yes.
08:54We'll get used to it.
08:55All right, OK.
08:56How do we get used to it?
08:57What's the problem?
08:58Look, it's very simple.
09:00Right.
09:01I'm outside.
09:02Right.
09:02The door is locked.
09:07Now, basically, what happens now is that you...
09:11Wait a minute.
09:11I see the problem here.
09:12You have to get in to punch in the code.
09:15Right.
09:17Is this locked now?
09:18I can't hear you, Bernard.
09:20I'll just punch in the code and let you in.
09:27You can't...
09:28Have you locked me out?
09:30Just one sec.
09:32Yes, yes!
09:44You have!
09:55Write something useful, you stupid fuck!
09:59Oh, no, it's annoying.
10:08It's annoying.
10:24Fran.
10:25On Radio 4 at 2.30.
10:34And now, our weekly visit...
10:36Right.
10:54Uh...
10:54OK.
10:55Just relax.
10:56Relax.
11:56No, no, no.
12:03Ah!
12:05Ah, right.
12:18When you find yourself in a desperate situation, you can find edible grubs or roots.
12:24Even insects can provide ample nutrition.
12:27It's vital to stay warm and have adequate liquid.
12:33Ha!
12:34Right.
12:35Morale is just as important as adequate hydration.
12:38You may find it absurd, but an old-fashioned sing-song has seen many a lonely soldier through a long night in the wilds.
12:45Hmm.
12:46I'm in the mood for dancing, romance-y.
12:53I'm headed for a...
12:55Oh!
12:55Oh!
12:55Oh!
12:56Oh!
12:57Oh!
12:57Oh!
12:58Oh!
12:58Oh!
12:59Oh!
13:00Oh!
13:01Oh!
13:02Oh!
13:03Oh!
13:04Oh!
13:05Oh!
13:06Oh!
13:07Oh!
13:08Oh!
13:09Oh!
13:10Oh!
13:11Oh!
13:12Oh!
13:13Oh!
13:14Oh!
13:15Oh!
13:16Oh!
13:17Oh!
13:18Oh!
13:19Oh!
13:20Oh!
13:21Oh!
13:22Oh!
13:23Oh!
13:24Oh!
13:25Oh!
13:26Oh!
13:27Oh!
13:28Oh!
13:29Oh!
13:30Parallel, please.
13:49Right, that's the trap set up.
13:53Now, wait for rabbit to approach.
13:58Huh?
14:00Rabbit?
14:01What am I going to get a rabbit?
14:05It is vital to maintain radio context.
14:10Excuse me, this might sound a bit funny, but could I please attend, please?
14:28Joking, aren't you?
14:40No, please.
14:41No, please.
14:41Please don't be engaged.
14:49Don't be engaged.
14:51Don't be engaged.
14:53What are you talking to at this time of night?
14:56And after the news, the shipping forecast, read by Howell Granger.
15:02What are you talking to at this time?
15:07Nasty night out there.
15:26Yeah, yeah. Very freezing, yeah.
15:28Wouldn't want to be stuck out there.
15:30A lot of low air pressure, you know, came down from Abernethy or somewhere like that and it's just...
15:35Is that right?
15:36Yeah.
15:37Now, what can I interest you in?
15:38Oh, yeah.
15:40Right.
15:41Okay.
15:42I'd like some hardcore pornography, please.
15:44All right.
15:45Here you are.
15:46Sit in a woman's prison.
15:4825 quid.
15:49Did you have anything in a town hall, you know, where the women guess the weight of the cake
15:52and then...
15:53No.
15:54I've got one with nurses.
15:55What kind of nurses, though?
15:56You know, are they...
15:57The kind with big tits.
15:59What do they do, though?
16:00Are they in administration?
16:01That's the kind of thing I'd want, really.
16:02You know, a lot of hospital paperwork and that kind of...
16:04That's very specific.
16:05Yeah, well, you know, just keep looking.
16:07We'll find something.
16:08Can you turn the radiator up?
16:09Administrative nurses.
16:12Fully quid.
16:13Sorry.
16:14I meant to say senior administrative nurses.
16:15That's the only thing I'm actually interested in.
16:19Could we watch it together?
16:20You know, maybe we could get a bottle of wine or something and...
16:22Out.
16:31What are you doing?
16:33What takes this long?
16:36North-West, Finisterre.
16:38Oh!
16:39North-West, only black.
16:40Oh!
16:41Oh!
16:42Oh!
16:43Oh!
16:44Squally showers.
16:45Oh!
16:46Moderate.
16:47Becoming good.
16:48Oh!
16:49Oh!
16:50Very lonely.
16:51I'm a lonely soldier.
16:54Come in.
16:56Come in.
16:57Come in.
16:58Come in.
16:59This is Lonely Soldier.
17:04My coordinates are validation.
17:11Fastnet, Irish Sea.
17:13Hello?
17:15German White.
17:17South West, appearing West.
17:19Five to seven.
17:21Good.
17:22Good, good, good, good.
17:24And that is the end of the shipping forecast.
17:26No, no, no, wait, please, wait, no, help, please, come back, help, help, help.
17:31And now, a book at bedtime.
17:33Joe Pasquale reads,
17:34Hiding by Joanna Spire.
17:36The pretty little town of Mayhemfield lies at the foot of a mountain range.
17:41Who's grim-wrecking peace.
17:46Behind the town of Fulton Heights, in the after-the-heights.
17:50Ah!
17:51Yay!
18:07Oh, good.
18:08Does the, um, Namba burger come with zesty cheese?
18:15No.
18:16Okay.
18:16Ah, then could I have some hunky-dunkers with barbecue hunky-dunky dip?
18:24Ah, and a mucky chocolate milkshake.
18:28What size?
18:29Small, medium, goliath, or god?
18:33One hunky-dunkers, barbecue hunky-dunky dip, and a medium mucky.
18:39That'd be $4.99.
18:40The, um, the thing, I'm a little light at the moment, uh, actually, uh, this, this belt is, is made from a real metal.
18:50I feel it's coffee.
18:52Have a few.
18:53If you're not eating anything, you'll have to leave the premises.
18:56I will do so immediately, sir.
19:25I will do so immediately.
19:35Sir.
19:36I will do so immediately, sir.
19:39Oh.
19:43Hello?
19:44Who is this?
19:51Hello?
19:52Is this you, mummy?
19:54I can hear you breathing, whoever you are.
19:59You're beginning to test my patience.
20:02I know there's someone there.
20:04Right.
20:04That's it.
20:05I'm hanging up.
20:05Don't hang up.
20:06How?
20:07Fran?
20:10Is this you, Fran?
20:12Are you all right?
20:14Are you in any pain?
20:15Fran?
20:16Do you want me to come over?
20:18I'll come over, Fran.
20:19Do you want me to come?
20:21I'll come, Fran.
20:22I'll come.
20:24I'll come.
20:29Fran!
20:31Fran, my God, what's happened?
20:34Fran.
20:34Hello, Hal.
20:36Sorry about that.
20:40Fran, are you all right?
20:43Yes, I'm fine.
20:44I'm fine, thank you.
20:45I just caught my foot in the fridge.
20:50Oh, um...
20:52Anyway, thanks.
20:53Goodbye.
20:53Uh, um, is it still raining outside?
21:04Uh, yeah.
21:06Right.
21:06Welcome to the thing, whatever this place is.
21:09Okay.
21:10Um, can I ha...
21:13What do you want?
21:18A Mamba Burger, a Mamba Burger, please.
21:21What do they look like?
21:21It's sort of two layers.
21:25What does the wrapper look like?
21:26Oh, uh, it's the red and white, I think.
21:30There you go.
21:30There you go.
21:31No, no, no, no, no.
21:32Just, uh...
21:33This, this, this...
21:35All right, there you go.
21:36No, no, no, no, no.
21:39I think that's it.
21:40Bacon or something on the top there.
21:43No, that's not it.
21:44That one is very nice.
21:46Try it, it's nice.
21:47Give it a shot.
21:48Go on, there.
21:48That's not it.
21:49It'll be nice, haven't you?
21:50Give me a quick.
21:50Um, well, can I get some chips as well, please?
21:55How many?
21:56What?
21:57Roughly, how many?
21:58Come on.
21:59Forty.
22:02That's weird.
22:13Right, two quid.
22:14Um, right, I'm going to die a Coke.
22:22No, no, no, no, no, no.
22:27Coke's off.
22:28Coke's off.
22:28Here, I have some extra chips.
22:29Can I remember chili dog and some...
22:39Is it still raining?
22:39No.
22:40What happened?
22:53What happened?
23:00What happened?
23:01Oh, you were burgled again.
23:03Huh?
23:04But there's nothing left to take.
23:05What did they get?
23:05Well, as far as I can make out, they took the security system.
23:11Thank Christ for that.
23:15What's up with him?
23:17He drank all our absinthe.
23:19I'm a lonely soldier.
23:22What are you doing?
23:23Um, putting a cold flannel on his head.
23:26Why?
23:26They do that in the films.
23:28Where were you when I needed you?
23:31Oh, yeah, Bernard.
23:32Uh, something came up.
23:36I'm so, so sorry.
23:38Um, what did you do?
23:40Oh, just my usual night out, you know.
23:42Went to see an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours.
23:46Hung out with a pornographer.
23:47Got a job in a burger bar.
23:49You know, the usual.
23:51Bernard.
23:52What?
23:53Bernard, I'm sorry.
23:55Forget it.
23:55No, there's another thing.
23:58What?
23:59I ate all your bees.
24:02What did you do?
24:03I ate all your bees.
24:05What did you do?
24:06I ate all your bees.
24:07I ate all your bees.
24:25I ate all your bees.
24:26I ate all your bees.
24:26I ate all your bees.
24:27I ate all your bees.
24:27I ate all your bees.
24:28I ate all your bees.
24:28I ate all your bees.
24:29I ate all your bees.
24:30I ate all your bees.
24:31I ate all your bees.
24:32I ate all your bees.
24:33I ate all your bees.
24:34I ate all your bees.
24:35I ate all your bees.
24:36I ate all your bees.
24:37I ate all your bees.
24:38I ate all your bees.
24:39I ate all your bees.
24:40I ate all your bees.
24:41I ate all your bees.
24:42I ate all your bees.
24:43I ate all your bees.
24:44I ate all your bees.
24:45I ate all your bees.
24:46I ate all your bees.
24:47I ate all your bees.
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