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FunTranscript
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00:32I don't know, Nick. You're the accountant.
00:34These books.
00:35Yeah, I know.
00:36Hello?
00:37Maybe. I'm not sure.
00:38There and there.
00:40Excuse me.
00:41Yeah.
00:42Excuse me. I just wonder if...
00:44It'll be much simpler this time, Nick. Honestly.
00:46The accounts are in order.
00:49Yeah, OK. All right. Well, I'll see you in an hour.
00:51OK. Bye.
00:53No.
00:54Those books. How much?
00:55Hmm?
00:56Those books. Leather-bound ones.
00:58Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
01:01They're real leather?
01:02They're real Dickens.
01:04I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa.
01:08Everything else in my house is real.
01:10I'll give you 200 for them.
01:12200 what?
01:13200 pounds.
01:14Are they leather-bound pounds?
01:16No.
01:18Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.
01:22Oh, dear.
01:23Do you have...
01:24Hello?
01:25Hello.
01:26Do you have the Little Book of Calm? I need the Little Book of Calm. Do you have it?
01:29I need it. I'm late for work. The... Calm. The Little Book of Calm.
01:31The Little Book of Calm. The Little Book of Calm. The Little one. That's the one. Yes.
01:32All right.
01:33Money.
01:34How much?
01:35250.
01:36250.
01:37Good day.
01:38I'll just get you a bag.
01:39No, no. No bag. I don't need a bag. Just the book. The book.
01:41Oh, I'll do your receipt. No, no, I don't need a receipt. That's fine.
01:42That's Baroque about just a right or left.
01:43Little...
01:44Look, I'll do it. Oh, Calm.
01:45The little one. That's the one, yes.
01:47All right. Money.
01:49How much? 250. 250.
01:51I'll just get you a bag.
01:53No, no, no bag. I don't need a bag. Just the book. The book.
01:56I'll do your receipt. No, I don't need a receipt.
01:58That's broken. I'll have to write one out.
02:00Please. Little...
02:03Look, I'll do it.
02:05Oh, calm. 250. Thank you.
02:08Um, look, stroke... No, no.
02:11Let go once in a while. You are a loose lily floating down an amber river.
02:23Sorry. I hate my job.
02:28What a strange man.
02:33Right. The shop is closed. Everybody get out.
02:36Time to go home. Come on.
02:38It's only quarter to three.
02:40Yes, but it's my shop. Come on. Go home.
02:42Bye-bye. Thank you.
02:43That's hardly fair.
02:44It's not fair at all. Get out. Bye-bye.
02:46I'd expect better service for...
02:48We'll expect a way. Get out. Bye-bye.
02:50Come on, all the time-wasting bastards.
02:52Back on the streets. Come on. Bye-bye.
02:54Goodbye. Thank you. Bye-bye.
02:56Back to life. Back to reality. Thank you.
02:59Mmm.
03:00Mmm.
03:01Do you want this? Buy this.
03:02What is it?
03:03It's a thing.
03:04Is it? Yes.
03:05What does it do?
03:06It's very in.
03:07You don't know what it is, do you?
03:08It's very now.
03:09Listen, will you just pop next door and mind the shop for half an hour?
03:11I have to see my accountant.
03:12Oh, will you get an assistant so I don't have to do this all the time?
03:15Oh, but, yeah, actually, I will do it this one time.
03:16But you have to do the same for me.
03:18Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
03:20What is it?
03:20It's a thing.
03:22Is it?
03:23Yes.
03:24What does it do?
03:25It's very in.
03:27You don't know what it is, do you?
03:29It's very now.
03:30Listen, will you just pop next door and mind the shop for half an hour?
03:32I have to see my accountant.
03:34Bernard, will you get an assistant so I don't have to do this all the time?
03:37Oh, but, yeah, actually, I will do it this one time.
03:40But you have to do the same for me day after tomorrow.
03:42OK. Why?
03:44Well, you know my pal Julie?
03:45Yeah.
03:45They're inducing the baby on Wednesday and she's asked me to be birth partner.
03:51Yeah.
03:52That's going to be very intense.
03:53There's going to be a lot of blood and a lot of shouting and...
03:55Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll just get drunk.
03:58In fact, she'll be on drugs, I'll be drunk.
04:02It'll be just like the old days.
04:04OK. Well, have a nice time. Bye.
04:13Hello?
04:15I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?
04:23So, show me your new filing system, Bernard.
04:26This is March.
04:29To, er...
04:31Boobly Boo.
04:32This is...
04:33MISC.
04:36And the rest are, er...
04:39Other.
04:41Other what? Other weeks? Other backdated weeks, is it?
04:43No.
04:45Other...
04:47Times.
04:48So, it goes this week, very recent, and...
04:52All other times.
04:54Well, you've got to help me out here, Bernard.
04:55I mean, what period does all other times cover?
04:57I don't know, Nick. I'm not...
05:01Wonder Woman.
05:01This new system.
05:05It's very closely modelled on the old system, isn't it?
05:09I... I go further than that, Nick.
05:11I'd say it was more or less exactly the same.
05:14Except...
05:16No, it's the same.
05:17I mean, you know, I just sort of lied on the phone, Nick.
05:19I lied.
05:20I...
05:20Well, I mean...
05:21Did you hear that?
05:23What?
05:24What?
05:25Nothing.
05:26I mean, you're lucky I'm, say...
05:28Accommodating.
05:30Because a lot of other accountants might be a bit funny.
05:34Hello?
05:35Yes, Jane.
05:36Oh, right.
05:39Okay.
05:39Here.
05:40Mm-hmm.
05:42Mm-hmm.
05:42Oh, right.
05:44All right.
05:46Bernard, I've just got to pop off.
05:48What, now?
05:49Yeah, I'll see you soon.
05:50All right, bye.
05:51There's always one step ahead.
05:57The cat has left the basket.
05:58The cat has left the basket!
06:10Mm.
06:11Yeah, it's flying.
06:12It's flying.
06:13I'm right on it.
06:14I mean, it'll be in the pipe soon.
06:15I tell you, the best thing is if I...
06:17You.
06:24Er, Manny.
06:26What's that you're eating?
06:27Soup?
06:28Yes.
06:28It's extra chunky.
06:36What's in it?
06:38Chunks.
06:40Should I be doing something?
06:41Do you need the Gleason accounts now?
06:43I have them on disc.
06:44Er, I would have emailed them, but, er...
06:46I had a lot of clink on the stuffer expander.
06:50And, er, plugged one in some tiser.
06:54Just shape up or ship out, all right?
06:56What?
07:03LAUGHTER
07:03He is.
07:15Oh, hi, he is.
07:17Yeah.
07:18Yeah, I'm session up the, er...
07:21The... the... the tom here, Phil.
07:26Yeah? OK.
07:27That means that it's killer.
07:35Visualise the ocean.
07:40Ah! Get out!
07:45Oh, a calm ocean, aren't you?
07:47Right, come on. We've got to get Friday's invoices in.
07:52OK. Here I come.
08:00What is it?
08:05It's my little off-carb!
08:07It's my little off-carb!
08:09Ah!
08:14Is it some kind of bald Furby?
08:20Reinhard, early closing? How'd it go?
08:24Nick the accountant! Nick the accountant!
08:27It's a fugitive!
08:29I'm not doing my accounts!
08:34Why?
08:36Because you can stick it up your arse!
08:38Bernard, you'll just have to do them yourself. I mean, it's quite easy.
08:42Yeah. Give it... give it a go.
08:44I'm sure I could... I'm sure I could muddle along, actually.
08:47Hmm.
08:48What?!
08:49What does that mean?!
08:53No, what?!
08:55If you live in a council flat, beside a river, but are not blind...
09:00What?!
09:02What is your mother's maiden name?
09:04What's... what's her first name?
09:06I just knew her as Ma!
09:08Ma! Not enough to do.
09:09Ma.
09:12Possibly deceased.
09:13Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?
09:28Right. That's all my stocks paired. Back to the accounts.
09:33Okay.
09:35Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?
09:43Hello, Ma?
09:50Who's there?
09:51It's Bernard.
09:52No, nothing's wrong.
09:54Come on, I don't need an excuse to call my mother, do I?
10:00I know. I am. Yeah. I know. Yes. Yes. Yes, I will.
10:05I know. Yes. Yes. I know. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Goodbye! I have to do my tax!
10:11Yes.
10:16Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year...
10:19Ah, thank Christ!
10:25Yes?
10:26Hello. We were wondering if we could talk to you about Jesus.
10:29What?
10:30I'd love to hear about Jesus. What's he up to now? Come on in! Come on!
10:40Are you sure?
10:42Yes! In! In! Come in! It's a trick!
10:44It's just, generally, people don't say yes.
10:49Well, I'm not people! Come on in! Let's talk beliefs!
10:54Come in. Come in. Grab a pew.
10:56Right! Let's go!
11:06Well, to be honest, we've never actually thought this far ahead.
11:13It's, er... It's nice in here. Indoors.
11:21What's... What's your favourite story about, er... Our Lord?
11:29Moneylenders! Has to be the Moneylenders. Chasing them out of the temple.
11:33It... It... It is knock-out stuff, isn't it? Yeah.
11:37And... And yourself?
11:39Oh, well, it's all good. Erm... But I suppose when he...
11:42When he rescued... When Jesus rescued the Samaritan...
11:45No, that's the story Jesus tells about the Samaritan who helped somebody else.
11:50Really?
11:51Yeah.
11:53Wow!
11:54And I like the one where he went to dinner with a tax collector.
11:56And... Do you have any, er... Literature or... Or... Or... Anything I could look at?
12:04Oh, yes!
12:06Those books and magazines we have! Books and magazines!
12:08Books and magazines!
12:09Oh, ho, ho, ho!
12:17Ah! There you are. Erm... Time for my results?
12:20Well, it's rather bad news, I'm afraid, Mr Bianco.
12:22The Little Book of Calm is lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas.
12:28If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
12:32Oh, my God!
12:33No, no, hold on a moment. That's just the worst-case scenario.
12:35The other possibility, and this is far more likely, is that the Little Book of Calm will move to the right, into the renal canal.
12:42Now, if this happens, you could live for anything up to... Ten years? One year? Who knows?
12:47Oh, my God!
12:48Because of the massive scarring caused by the Little Book of Calm, however, it is possible that you'll be in a massive amount of pain...
12:54Oh, my God!
12:56...during that time...
12:57Oh, my God!
12:58Oh, yes, sorry about this. I'm going to have to go.
12:59We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it.
13:02There's a good chance you'll survive. A 30% chance, I'd say, so try not to worry.
13:07As the book itself says, um, whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island.
13:20Oh, oh, so he said that because, because no-one's without sin, is that right?
13:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the whole, you know, that's what he was, but he was hidden.
13:27So it's like God and Jesus are the one thing?
13:29You got it.
13:30All right.
13:31Are you sure you won't stay a bit longer?
13:32Oh, no, really, I mean, we have to go. It's this very late term.
13:35Okay, all right, whatever.
13:37Call again, though, yeah?
13:38Oh, yes, yes, yes.
13:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
13:50Goodbye.
13:51Yeah.
13:52Later.
13:53See?
13:59Bernard?
14:00Finished with your accounts?
14:03Yeah.
14:04I've turned them into a rather smart, casual jacket.
14:13Bernard.
14:14I mean, it is a very nice jacket, but what are you going to do about your accounts?
14:19I don't know.
14:21Will you do them?
14:22Oh, well, look.
14:24You've got that wrong for a start, because you divide by ten there.
14:27Oh, no, no, no.
14:28No, no, no, no.
14:29I'm not doing this.
14:30No, no.
14:31I have to give all my attention to being Julie's birth partner.
14:35Oh, look, look, look, look.
14:36There's something written on the side.
14:37There's something.
14:381599.
14:39Oh, no, no, no.
14:40I wrote that.
14:41What am I going to do now?
14:42Who's going to help me?
14:45Ah, Mr Bianco.
14:46Back with us at last.
14:47There's been a complication.
14:49You see, we went in to remove the book and, um, well, in medical terms, it's gone.
14:56To put it another way, it's not there.
14:58I don't know how this could have happened.
15:00The only explanation is that somehow you assimilated it into your system overnight,
15:04which is, of course, impossible.
15:06How do you feel, by the way?
15:13Add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you will soak yourself calm.
15:20I'm sorry?
15:21If you want to feel calm, eat more raw fruit and vegetables, yoghurt, milk and seeds.
15:30Er, maybe I should let you get some rest.
15:32When you rest, you are a king surveying your estate.
15:35Look at the woodland, the peacocks on the lawn.
15:38Be the king of your own calm kingdom.
15:42Er...
15:44Yes.
15:45I've got it!
15:46I'm doing them!
15:48I know what this is.
15:49It's so simple.
15:50It's for giving up sugar.
15:52Yeah.
15:53That's exactly what it's not.
15:54No, that's absurd, isn't it?
15:56What's this now?
15:57Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah, blah, blah.
16:01Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
16:03Exemption clause.
16:04Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness may defer their returns until such
16:09time as...
16:10Wait a minute.
16:11Person suffering from short or long-term injury or sickness may defer their returns...
16:17Ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:19Ha, ha, ha!
16:20No, no.
16:21Give it up, Bernard.
16:22No, you'd have to really cripple yourself.
16:24You're hardly going to do that just to avoid doing accounts.
16:31We've got a special offer on this one.
16:35Really?
16:36Yes.
16:37It's free if you break my legs.
16:39Fair enough.
16:40Great!
16:41I'll just get the hobbling post.
16:43OK.
16:44Wait.
16:45I've read this one.
16:46That's the problem with Woodhouse, isn't it?
16:48Yes, it's terrible.
16:49Now hurry up and break my legs.
16:50But I've already read it.
16:51No.
16:52I'm sorry.
16:53I've got to go.
16:54What is this?
16:55What is this?
16:56Have you any idea what the hell this is?
16:59Would the birth partner of Julie Williams please report to Delivery Room 1?
17:05No!
17:06No!
17:07No!
17:08No!
17:09No!
17:10No!
17:11No!
17:12No!
17:13No!
17:14No!
17:15No!
17:16No!
17:17No!
17:18No!
17:19No!
17:20Where's my birth partner?
17:21I can't do this without my birth partner!
17:22Where is she?
17:23Where is she?
17:24I told you, Julie, we can't find her.
17:25We've been calling her all day.
17:27When you're feeling under pressure, do something different.
17:30Round up your sleeves or eat an orange.
17:32IF WE CAN COME CAN I Rsize
17:35Sure no on it theaters...
17:39This is just a little bit of one año.
17:41We've done something different after the fact that,
17:42sort ofacking around in your belief is the week.
17:44Come back in your Rightfed bird.
17:45Is it some kind of fake breast?
18:12You know, that Dad's wear.
18:15What are you talking about?
18:17You know, for babies.
18:19Ba...
18:20Babies?
18:21Oh, my God!
18:23Julie!
18:28Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh.
18:30If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it.
18:33Then laugh.
18:35You wouldn't...
18:36Oi, Harry!
18:38What are you looking at?
18:46Have you ever noticed a calm person with a loud voice?
18:50Try and speak softly once in a while.
18:52Add a dab of lavender to milk.
18:57Leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it.
19:06You lot, you better clear off.
19:08I have to do a few...
19:10You know, I have to...
19:11I have to...
19:12Skinheads!
19:13Perfect!
19:14Ah!
19:16Do you think you're funny?
19:18What...
19:19What happened?
19:20Looking for another slap, are you?
19:22Looking for another slap?
19:24Which one of you bitches wants to dance?
19:28Whoa!
19:30Hey, you know when you're doing, er, the usual sort of threesome thing you'd do of a weekend,
19:34you know, and er, the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arters and everything.
19:38Does that not get a bit confusing?
19:42Right.
19:43Look, this is you, okay?
19:45Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
19:55Millwall!
19:56That's the one.
19:57Er, do you know this chant?
19:58Er, Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful
20:01Dreadful and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated
20:31Are you in pain not enough where they're gone. Oh, uh, they got tired and went away
20:41Why why did you do that? That was just so incredible the way you just kept letting them punch you and
20:48Thank you. I've been gravely injured now. I don't have to do my accounts. You're a witness. Oh
20:55What I could do your accounts, right? Well, I'm an accountant. Well wasn't a canon
20:59Uh, it's the least I could do. You mean you could do more? Yeah, could I have a glass of wine?
21:06Okay, and a ham sandwich
21:09If you like with a pickle
21:13All right
21:15All right, well you you get started on that and I'll begin the business of the day
21:32I can't wait to start cab number cab number
21:37I've got to get a duly
21:39I
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