- 2 days ago
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00:30Run!
00:40There you are. Right, wait till you hear this.
00:43No, me first. Seriously, I can't hold on to this one. I can't.
00:47My story goes first. No, my story's first. I'm not backing down. No.
00:50Well, neither am I. Well, you know what that means. Counts three.
00:53One, two, three.
00:55Ah! Say peanuts. Peanuts. OK.
01:03I want Manny in on this. Manny! No, no, no. He's no good to anybody.
01:06He's stayed up all night with his birthday presents.
01:10A complete set of the Sweeney and an espresso machine.
01:20Hello? What? Do me a favour. It's a flaming bookshop.
01:24Of course we've got Jane Austen.
01:33Right.
01:35OK. My story.
01:36All right. Imagine, yeah?
01:37Yeah.
01:38Imagine you're a woman.
01:40OK.
01:41OK.
01:42And now imagine...
01:43Wait! I'm still...
01:50OK.
01:51OK.
01:52And now imagine...
01:53You have a boyfriend.
01:54OK.
01:55And now imagine...
01:56You see that boyfriend...
01:57With another woman.
01:58What?
01:59OK.
02:00My story!
02:01This is Peter we're talking about.
02:02Peter wouldn't do that to me.
02:03To you.
02:04He's scum.
02:05This morning I was getting into my car.
02:09I just feel so...
02:10Aww.
02:11Now, my story.
02:12You know Gerald and Sarah?
02:13Gerald and Sarah?
02:14Gerald, your friend.
02:15Friend?
02:16When I first came to London, he...
02:17He put me up, he lent money, he helped me find a job...
02:39Friend! When I first came to London, he put me up, he lent me money,
02:44he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place.
02:47I was an incredibly good friend to him.
02:49And even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her.
02:55Well, once. Twice. A few times.
02:57But not after I realised just how angry it made him.
03:00Well, once, but only because...
03:02Get off of the story.
03:03OK. Well, they invited me to a dinner party.
03:06And I went, had a good time, woke up with a bit of a hangover.
03:12Well, a big hangover.
03:14Alright, so I went to the chemist to get some fizzy good.
03:17Some what?
03:18You know, fizzy good. Fizzy good make-feel nice.
03:20Oh, Alka-Seltzer.
03:21Yeah.
03:23Sounds good.
03:30Fizzy good feel nice.
03:32Fizzy good feel nice.
03:34Gerald!
03:36Sarah!
03:37Back for the dinner party!
03:40Completely blanked me.
03:42Well, maybe they didn't see you.
03:44Could something have distracted them?
03:46Like what?
03:48Gunfire.
03:49Was somebody firing a gun?
03:52Er, let's see.
03:53Was someone firing a gun?
03:54Was someone fir-
03:55No, I don't think so.
03:57Manny, you look like you could use some sleep.
04:00Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:01In a little bit, in a little bit.
04:02Look, thing is right, this bloke behind me, right?
04:04Behind me, behind me, behind me.
04:05Don't look!
04:06I reckon he's got a shooter.
04:08He's a hundred years old!
04:10He's just wired from all my coffee and cups.
04:14And so what?
04:16So they blanked you?
04:18So what?
04:19So what?
04:20They blanked me.
04:21That's like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society.
04:25It's like, it's like, it's like when the mafia send each other fish through the post.
04:30You must have done something awful.
04:33Something really awful.
04:34Do you think?
04:35Oh, you didn't do that thing.
04:38Your belly servallus thing.
04:40No, I didn't do belly servallus.
04:45So, Bernard, being blanked really made you feel that bad, huh?
04:49Yeah, terrible.
04:51Mmm.
04:52Manny, get some sleep.
04:58Something really awful.
05:00God, what did I do?
05:01What did I do?
05:02Think!
05:03Think!
05:04Get down!
05:12Enjoy.
05:13It's dreadful, but it's quite short.
05:14Manny!
05:15Come over here.
05:16You want a case?
05:17I'll give you a case.
05:18Figure out what I did last night.
05:19Okay.
05:20The dinner party.
05:21Oh!
05:22What?
05:23Sat on meself.
05:24Oh!
05:25Oh!
05:26Oh!
05:27Oh!
05:28Oh!
05:29Oh!
05:30Oh!
05:31Oh!
05:32Oh!
05:33Oh!
05:34Oh!
05:35Oh!
05:36Oh!
05:37Oh!
05:38Oh!
05:39Oh!
05:40Oh!
05:41Oh!
05:42Oh!
05:43Oh!
05:44Oh!
05:45Oh!
05:46Oh!
05:47Oh!
05:48Oh!
05:49reconstructing the evening who else was there well gerald and sarah obviously
05:57what's their d40 well what what do they do oh uh gerald's a food writer he had a big hit with
06:05that thing you know basic meals for the ultra rich and sarah's an interior designer she's on
06:10that program you know pet surprise pet surprise what's that oh you know the thing they take the
06:16dog out for a walk he thinks it's a normal walk but when they come back
06:22the kennel has a patio and french doors yeah yeah and then they take the blindfold off yeah and he's
06:29like oh my god right and there were a few other people there you know the sort of people who
06:34talk about salad for five hours and then i won again i mean he was smaller than me and everything
06:41and he was only eight but i still won i won again and again and again and again so how much you had
06:50to drink before you turned up oh you just assume i'd been drinking that's it of course i've been
06:55drinking you just assume that i would naturally how much how much how much how much a couple of
07:00bottles right so you were in a bit of a state no i was fine no come on think
07:07it's not her fault she's young high spirits try and keep it indoors you see what you did you
07:24made the police come to their house oh there's more oh god bernard look at you i'm a happy-go-lucky
07:33scrump exquisite gifts as always you're very early bernard oh oh you remember jimbo don't you
07:44i'm not sure what do you do no who's our son oh thank god i thought you had a disease oh this is a child
07:52jimbo don't you do the thing ah here here there we go take it shh take it now did you actually
08:16jim can i have that back so jim have i ever told you about the old country the songs jim oh they'd melt
08:23your face oh i live in a shoe on moore street i'm a prostitute from newry a child involved somehow
08:32i bet you he's done something and pinned it on me it's always the children isn't it bernard
08:38honey if you have one more sip of coffee
08:44i got it
08:51stop
09:08i
09:16i
09:21i
09:23i
09:25i
09:29i
09:31Oh, my keys, my house keys, they were in it.
09:55How am I going to get into my house without my keys?
09:58I don't know what I'm doing.
09:59So it was a plain clothes policeman, was it?
10:00Yes.
10:01Oh, officer.
10:02Officer.
10:03Bernard.
10:04Bernard.
10:05No questions, OK?
10:06Can you do my shoelace?
10:21No can do, neck face.
10:24What happened to you?
10:27What happened to you?
10:28No, no, you first.
10:29No, come on.
10:30Are you the next Bond villain?
10:31You look like you should have Dorset Five Miles written on you.
10:35Come on, you tell.
10:36Tell me.
10:37Don't mind this, it's a very dull story.
10:40Come on.
10:41No, no, you first.
10:42Come on.
10:43Tell me.
10:44No.
10:45Ah.
10:46No, no, no.
10:47Oh!
10:48Ah!
10:49Oh!
10:50Oh!
10:51No, no, no, no, no, no!
10:53Ah! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
10:57Okay.
10:58You remember this morning when I was telling you about seeing Peter with that girl?
11:03Mm-hmm.
11:04Well, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I shut the shop,
11:08went down the beauty parlour and got myself done.
11:12When the next thing, who walks by the window but Peter?
11:16Peter, then I suddenly remembered what you said about the awesome power of the blank,
11:23and I knew I might not get a second chance.
11:35So, as usual, you dealt with this in a mature re...
11:39Shut up.
11:40Anyway.
11:42Fred?
11:46Fred?
11:49Fred?
11:51Fred!
11:55You were knocked down, so that's how you got the...
11:57No, that's not how I got this.
12:00The way I got this...
12:01No, it's too embarrassing.
12:03Come on, you next.
12:04What happened to you?
12:05Well, I was...
12:06We're closed.
12:08We're closed!
12:12Hello?
12:13Hello?
12:14Hello?
12:16Yeah.
12:18Yeah.
12:18Hello, Raiders.
12:21You just better watch it,
12:24or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen.
12:30And we'll arrest your arse.
12:34Goodbye.
12:36Yeah, I thought you might want some coffee.
12:38No, no, I've got to go.
12:39No, no, no, wait a sec.
12:40We need you.
12:42Look, got a favour to ask.
12:43We got someone in who wasn't turning over as quick as we thought.
12:45Real villain.
12:46Could you sit in on the interview?
12:48Hey?
12:49Hey, what's with the, uh, the face fungus?
12:51Uh, undercover.
12:53Undercover work.
12:54Right.
12:54Uh, got to blend in with a...
12:56with a heavy metal group
12:58who stole some furniture.
13:01Bastards.
13:02So, anyway, how about it?
13:04Can you help us out with this?
13:05No, no, I can't.
13:06I really can't.
13:07Uh, they need me back on the job.
13:08Hang on a minute.
13:09Who's your governor?
13:10I'll ask him.
13:11Oh, what the hell?
13:13Oh, good lad.
13:14Grab your coffee.
13:15Right.
13:15Oh, come on.
13:20Okay.
13:21So far, we've been going at him hard.
13:23Now, it might be time he found that, uh, sympathetic ear he was looking for.
13:28Do you know what I mean?
13:29So, I'm nasty.
13:31You're nice.
13:32Okay.
13:32You're not so bad.
13:33What?
13:34You're not so bad.
13:36Come on.
13:37I'm only in the interview.
13:38Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:40Yeah.
13:41I was, uh, making a police joke.
13:44Yeah, right.
13:45It's, uh, Barry, by the way.
13:47Carter.
13:47Carter.
13:48Yeah, lovely.
13:49Well, I'll tell you what.
13:51We'll let him sweat it out for a few minutes, all right.
13:53Finish your coffee.
13:54Oh.
13:54It's not bad, is it?
13:55Oh, oh, oh.
13:58Bernard, come on.
14:04So, what happened?
14:08All right.
14:09After you left, I remembered something about the dinner party.
14:13I did do belly savalis.
14:16Burry, derby, derby, derby, derby, derby.
14:19What's that?
14:20I can't hear you, belly savalis.
14:25Who loves you, baby?
14:28Very bad, eh?
14:30But I also realized that it wasn't belly savalis that upset them.
14:35It was something else.
14:38Something much, much worse.
14:40Oh, you didn't do cabumbo, did you?
14:45No.
14:47I didn't have any cigars.
14:51All right, so you were knocked down.
14:53Even though I wasn't really badly hurt, I had to go to hospital for checks.
14:56And Peter insisted on coming with me.
14:59Okay.
15:01And so I was still blanking him in the ambulance.
15:03How do you blank somebody in an ambulance?
15:04Come on, friend.
15:05Keep your eyes fixed on mine.
15:07Come on, friend.
15:08Keep your eyes fixed on mine.
15:10Keep your eyes fixed on mine, friend.
15:14Friend!
15:15Friend!
15:16Hurry, man!
15:17Hurry!
15:17Did you ever get to tell him why you were blanking him?
15:22I certainly did.
15:23I spent some time explaining in very clear terms why he was a scumbag and the fancy lady he was with was a slut.
15:33It was his sister.
15:36Yes.
15:39He was comforting her.
15:41Just lost her job.
15:42Ah, he won't be seeing you again?
15:45He says he wants to see other, less mad women.
15:49All right, that's me.
15:51Now you.
15:51Come on.
15:51I want to know how you became the little teapot.
15:54All right, but I don't want to go through and all again for Manny.
15:56Where is he?
15:57Amber, I'm nasty.
16:01You're nice.
16:02All right.
16:02All right.
16:05Nogsy!
16:09You miss me?
16:10Yeah, I was just sitting here thinking.
16:12When's Inspector Norris coming back?
16:14Oi!
16:16Smart lip doesn't work with me, Nogsy.
16:17I don't react well to it.
16:19Now, you better start giving me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks.
16:27You have beautiful eyes.
16:40You're going away, Nogsy.
16:41You understand me?
16:42This is the end of the line.
16:45Do you think it'd be really naughty if I phoned up the Hong Kong kitchen,
16:48got us all some crispy duck?
16:50So, listen, you better speak up or else we'll be talking to your missus.
16:55Oh, how'd you like that, family man?
16:59Hey, when all this is blown over, let's go and see Les Miserables.
17:04Have you been to the zoo?
17:05It's brilliant.
17:06Well, what's, er, what's going on?
17:12Carter.
17:16Listen, I don't know what the hell you're doing, but it seems to be working.
17:20He's getting shaky.
17:22I'll let you take over.
17:23Offer him a deal.
17:24What sort of deal?
17:25I don't know.
17:25You call it.
17:26Well, don't give away too much.
17:27He's looking at two years minimum.
17:30I'll be back in ten.
17:32What?
17:35Ten minutes.
17:40Right.
17:44I'm locking the door, Noxie.
17:46It doesn't open again until you give my partner something.
17:49Yeah, that's definitely locked.
18:13I'm not a policeman.
18:14What?
18:15They think I'm a policeman.
18:16I'm not.
18:16I've just had too much coffee.
18:18What are you talking about?
18:20What'll I do?
18:21Well, I want Norris back.
18:22Get Norris.
18:22I'll talk to him.
18:23I ain't talking to you.
18:29It's a boy.
18:31So, come on.
18:32Back to the story.
18:33I knew I'd done something heinous, so I thought to hell with it.
18:36I'll go and see Gerald and Sarah.
18:40What do you want?
18:42I just want to say I'm sorry.
18:43I'm very, very sorry.
18:44Oh.
18:45Well.
18:45Please accept my gifts.
18:48Maybe then we could clear the decks somehow and you could actually tell me what it was that
18:53I actually did.
19:01Fran?
19:04Well, you did it.
19:06I don't know how you did it, but you did it.
19:08Well, you know, Barry, I'm just a cop.
19:17Just one copper trying to make a difference.
19:20Fell off the chair to some extent.
19:32You know, Barry, I've been doing this job for 20 minutes, years, since I was 15.
19:41And, er, you know, it doesn't get any easier.
19:44So that's why I've made my decision to retire.
19:47That's right, Barry, I'm retiring.
19:48Nogsy was my last case.
19:50I've had 100% success rate.
19:52I'm only getting older and slower.
19:53It's time for this old war horse to be put out of pasture.
19:57Well, that's a shame.
19:58I mean, I've been on the job nearly 20 years, too.
20:00And I can honestly say, you are the best bloody copper I have ever worked with.
20:05It's been a privilege.
20:07OK.
20:08Fair enough.
20:09Yeah.
20:10All right.
20:11Yeah.
20:12Lovely.
20:13Oof.
20:14Anyway.
20:15Where was I?
20:16You went to Gerald and Sarah's to ask them what you did.
20:20You mean you don't remember?
20:21Not as such, no.
20:22You don't remember standing up and asking for about the 100th time where the toilet was, drunk
20:27out of your skull?
20:28You stood up, you went to the toilet, and you've gone an awful long time.
20:35Get him out.
20:36Get him out.
20:37Get him out.
20:38Out.
20:39I know.
20:40Get him out.
20:41Get him out now.
20:42I will.
20:43I'm sorry.
20:44Gerald.
20:45Can I ask you a question?
20:46What?
20:47You know the thing, er, the thing that cleans these things?
20:49The thing cleaner.
20:50Why is that in your bathroom?
20:52I'm not Coco Chanel or anything, but I think that's a bit weird.
20:56Um, Bernard, why don't I, um, call you a cab?
20:59I don't want a cab.
21:00It's only half one.
21:02Anyway, listen, listen.
21:03Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom?
21:05We haven't got a toaster in our bathroom.
21:07Well, you should put a lock on the door anyway, because I was in there.
21:11I was on the toilet and everything.
21:13Little Jimmy comes in.
21:14He's drinking milk from the fridge, and that's all wrong.
21:18It's unhygienic.
21:19And what were you thinking?
21:23What was going through your brain when you thought, oh, yeah, I'll buy a wicker toilet?
21:28I thought I did something bad.
21:33All right, so I go to the toilet in your wicker chair.
21:36It's a faux pas.
21:37Faux pas?
21:38Well, I thought I drank all the booze or something.
21:40You did drink all the booze.
21:41Look at Jimmy.
21:43What?
21:44What?
21:45What?
21:46What?
21:47He looks surprised.
21:48All children look surprised.
21:49Everything's new to them.
21:51And I told you, by the way, that, er, he, er, he smokes.
21:57He does not smoke.
21:58He does not smoke.
21:59Well, he's up to something.
22:01I've never said this before because I was being nice.
22:04But your son has the, er, the cold, dead eyes of a killer.
22:11I mean, I come to your house.
22:13I bring a bottle of wine.
22:14You brought a policewoman?
22:15Policewoman bottle of wine.
22:16The point is, I made an effort.
22:18And, and, you know, okay, I was slightly indiscreet.
22:22And I'm sorry.
22:23I am.
22:24But you, you blanked me.
22:27So.
22:28So what?
22:30Well, I think I deserve an apology.
22:33Ouch.
22:34I came all the way across town to apologise.
22:37I don't even have the fare for a taxi back.
22:40I behaved with dignity and honour and grace.
22:43I'm a bit upset now.
22:44You wouldn't understand what I'm talking about.
22:46Because I'm talking about dignity.
22:51Hence.
22:52So why were you embarrassed to tell me?
22:55Oh, well, I fell.
22:56You know, it was so undashing.
22:59And, of course, going to the toilet through a chair.
23:02Well, we've all been there.
23:03What happened to you?
23:10Oh, I've had some, Daddy.
23:13What happened?
23:14Well, it started off...
23:16What happened to you?
23:22That was a particularly bad one.
23:24Oh.
23:25Hm.
23:28I love you.
23:29Oh, boy.
23:30I love you whoops.
23:31establish
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