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00:00www.feyyaz.tv
00:30Oh, my God.
00:32Oh, isn't it great?
00:33No, it's ridiculous.
00:36Why did you get it?
00:37And why is it in my shop?
00:39Well, Manny said I should get a hobby.
00:41They'd only be here a couple of days.
00:42They need a winch to get it up to my flat.
00:44So you'll be bored of the piano in ten minutes.
00:46No, I'm getting proper lessons from this Russian guy.
00:49His ad says he never fails.
00:52Right.
00:52I have been working now for...
00:5673 straight hours.
01:00I'm going to lunch.
01:00You can't.
01:02Don't sell this.
01:03It's reserved for Williams, all right?
01:05Where's my cure?
01:06It's not my fault, you hungover.
01:08It is your fault.
01:10If I lived with a normal person,
01:11there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
01:13Where's the flick?
01:14I was looking for blue sands.
01:18Sorry.
01:19Bernard, this is not for sale.
01:20Flick, flick, flick, flick, flick.
01:22Oh, God.
01:25Beaded flaps.
01:25This teacher guy, Joseph, is coming tomorrow.
01:31Is that okay, Bernard?
01:31Here's your bloody flake.
01:34Hmm.
01:34Bernard.
01:35What?
01:35This is reserved for Williams, all right?
01:37You know what he's like.
01:39It's written in the ledger.
01:41Williams, blue sands.
01:43Bernard, Bernard, do you promise you'll get out of the way for the lesson?
01:45Shut up, all of you.
01:46I'm dying.
01:47Jesus, more hobbly-hoys.
01:50You can't leave me alone with them.
01:52They're all over the place, like a nest of pigs.
01:55Why can't they all just go away and, and, and...
01:58Oh, Manny, look.
01:59Huh?
02:05I'm going.
02:06I don't even need a book.
02:07I just heard this was funny, but, uh, sorry to bother you.
02:10No, wait.
02:10It's yours.
02:11No, no, no.
02:11That belongs to, uh, Williams.
02:13What?
02:13Great.
02:16Uh, how much do I owe you?
02:17Nothing.
02:18Sorry, it's not beautifully wrapped.
02:19Thanks.
02:21What are you doing?
02:22Why did you give that to that girl?
02:24You're talking about the woman I love.
02:26Don't call her that girl.
02:28Ow!
02:30Hello?
02:31No, I'm afraid they're all gone.
02:32No, we sold the last one.
02:33I'm sorry, Mr. Williams, your book, yes, blue sands.
02:36Do you fancy a drink?
02:36Mmm.
02:37I'm afraid the manager sold the last coffee.
02:38Terribly sorry.
02:39Again.
02:56Come on.
02:57Three blank mice.
02:58Yes, sir.
03:03God, not again.
03:05What's the matter?
03:05Well, we've been doing this for nearly ten minutes.
03:07It's not what I imagined.
03:09Now that was my first wife.
03:10Play!
03:18You see, I can't play.
03:19Even if I had 50 fingers and a million years to spare,
03:22I still couldn't play.
03:23I want to watch a video.
03:24Can we go get chips?
03:26When you hired me, you hired a Slavansky.
03:28My family has taught piano for 200 years.
03:33Of all my 13 brothers and sisters,
03:37I was the one sent on the scholarship.
03:41The rest stayed behind in the yurt.
03:43What's a yurt?
03:44A tent made of beaver skins.
03:46It's not so good.
03:47No slouching!
03:49Play!
03:49Play!
03:49Play!
03:49Play!
03:51Play!
03:51Play!
03:52Play!
03:52Play!
03:53Play!
03:53Play!
03:54Play!
03:54Play!
03:55Play!
03:55Play!
03:55Play!
03:55Play!
03:55Play!
03:56Play!
03:56Play!
03:56Play!
03:57Play!
03:57Play!
03:57Play!
03:57Play!
03:58Play!
04:00Where were you?
04:01Fran kicked me out for a stupid lesson.
04:04Shut up!
04:04I'm not talking to you.
04:06What?
04:06A customer was a bit disappointed.
04:12Quite disappointed.
04:13I'll make it up to you.
04:14I'm sick of being used.
04:16I'm sick of your lies.
04:18How will you make it up to me?
04:19I'll buy you a Jeep.
04:21No!
04:22I want the weekend off.
04:24I mean it.
04:25I want a life.
04:26This is life.
04:27We suffer, enslave and expire. That's it.
04:30We have needs. Fran's got a piano.
04:33I want some time to myself. You want to go out with a girl?
04:36Don't make me laugh bitterly.
04:39Fran will fail. You'll toil your life away
04:42and I'll die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
04:54Just ask her out.
04:56It's pointless. Look at her.
04:58She's got goodness running out of her ears.
05:01I bet you the weekend she says yes.
05:05Go on, give it a go.
05:07All right, all right. Look, look, look.
05:12Hello, I'm, um...
05:13Not that it matters. I'm Bernard and, um...
05:17Nice to meet you. Kate.
05:19The book's good, thank you.
05:20Oh.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24Do you eat?
05:27I do.
05:28Do you want to do that in the same room sometime?
05:31Well...
05:31You're busy. You're probably seeing one of your four million friends.
05:34Never mind.
05:36There. You see?
05:40Is tomorrow all right?
05:42You did ask me out, didn't you?
05:43Yes, yes, I did. And look what happened.
05:45I'm sorry to bother you.
05:46Uh, I passed by the shop anyway, say eight o'clock.
05:50Eight?
05:51Good. See you then.
05:56What does that mean, see you then?
05:58It means me, duvet, TV, Maltesers, behind a locked door.
06:03I win.
06:05I've got the weekend off.
06:06You've got a date.
06:07Fran's probably having a whale of a time with a piano.
06:09Who's suffering now?
06:11You tell me.
06:12Ha!
06:12Enough!
06:22Enough!
06:23Enough today.
06:26Lots of work to be done.
06:29Stupid piano.
06:31You will practice all evening.
06:33Swear to me.
06:35I swear.
06:36I will be back tomorrow and every day until you can play.
06:55I've got the weekend off.
06:59That girl, I mean Kate, she asked me out.
07:03Couldn't resist my musk.
07:07What's the matter?
07:08Oh, it's so unfair.
07:09I must be musical.
07:11I've got hundreds of CDs.
07:14You always need to practice all evening, like a child.
07:17He's such a meanie.
07:19Hm.
07:19I always wanted to learn, but my parents forced me not to.
07:25I spent hour after hour playing football, all by myself.
07:29Peering in at all the other children in the neighbourhood,
07:32practicing their piano.
07:33Bigfoot, get on with us.
07:34You're not off till tomorrow.
07:36What are you going to do with all your time off, Manny?
07:38Oh, I don't know.
07:40Long baths.
07:41Braid my beard.
07:42Unbraid it.
07:43Lie around fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure.
07:47Go on, you.
07:47Get cracking.
07:49OK.
07:50Got to get down to this.
07:54Hold on.
07:55No, where are you going?
07:56Drink!
07:57Oh.
08:05Oh.
08:05Ah, I can play!
08:35Ah, I can play!
09:05Ah, I can play!
09:35Oh, drinking when you should be practising, naughty, naughty.
09:43After this, you're on your own. My time off starts now.
09:46I was listening to the radio last night. I think I picked up a few chords.
09:52Oh, Manny, don't. My head. Joseph is coming. He'll squeeze my face again.
09:56My brains will come out my nose and I'll die.
09:58Oh, no noise!
10:00It's good, isn't it? It's sort of relaxing.
10:14I picked up this other thing as well. It's quite famous. It goes...
10:20You know, the one that goes...
10:22Miss Friend?
10:38I've been practising and therefore I don't need to have any more lessons and so you can go home.
10:46Hmm. I see. How wonderful. And did you pick up anything else in this single evening?
11:00Impossible! I don't believe it!
11:04Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.
11:08That was me showing off. I play a little jazz.
11:10Oh, this is Bernard, Joseph. Just a friend.
11:13Have you been teaching my pupil, Mr Bernard, jazz friend?
11:16Come away from the piano, please.
11:18Now, play again. We shall see.
11:31How can this be?
11:33Well, I did practise all night.
11:36Don't be upset, Joseph. You inspired her.
11:38Yes, yes. Thank you, Joseph.
11:40You've done a wonderful, wonderful job.
11:43Today, she's a natural. Yesterday, it was kept screwing.
11:46All credit to you. This morning, she played Brahms, Handel, Bach.
11:52Bach! My favourite!
11:55Before I go, please.
11:59No, I can't. It's not good enough.
12:02A perfectionist. Excellent.
12:07I will return tomorrow.
12:10No, but...
12:10Tomorrow.
12:16What did you say that for? Now he's coming back.
12:20Don't worry, man. He's going to pick it up.
12:22No, he won't. He's on holiday, remember?
12:25He'll be watching the test match in bed, eating tiramisu with a long spoon.
12:31Manny, what could be nicer?
12:33Oh, it's really relaxing. You said so yourself.
12:36Faster.
12:38Faster.
12:39Faster!
12:42You're not trying. Feathery strokes! Feathery strokes!
12:44You just told me to dampen it!
12:45Dump feathers!
12:46You have to become the piano!
12:47Place them within!
12:48Ah! This isn't fair!
12:49We had a deal. I get the weekend off, you hook up with Kate.
12:51Ah! The lucky girl. I have to freshen up.
12:53Er...
12:54No.
12:55Come on, come on. It's not as if you've been with us to play anything difficult.
13:10This is Bach's Prelude 21 from the 48 Preludes and Fugues. What exactly would you describe as difficult?
13:15Richtenberg, Zelitos, Kumanovic, Katschurian, Pakofi have popping off to shops.
13:20All right, you can have a little break. Tea, is it?
13:23Oh, that would be lovely.
13:25I'll have one as well, then. Thanks and a bicking.
13:34Hi.
13:35Oh, hello.
13:36I've got the book for you to read. It's funny.
13:40What are you playing?
13:41Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
13:44Well, jazz. And classic. And everything. Rubbish, really.
13:48Go on.
13:50Oh, I'm... I'm not... I'm not very good.
13:52That doesn't matter.
13:53Usually I have to rub linseed oil into my triceps before I...
13:57Well, maybe a little ditty. Hang on, hang on.
14:01No. No way. Not possible. I refuse. Absolutely no.
14:06That is a pity.
14:07Have a nice weekend, then, repricing every single individual book in the shop,
14:11because they've all just gone up by a penny.
14:15Uh, now, um, there's just, uh, something I wanted to, um, ask you.
14:20Um, do you...
14:23Have you...
14:24Have you ever, uh, um, have you ever read this?
14:28No.
14:29Well, don't. It's just birds.
14:32Birds, birds, more birds.
14:34Yeah, owls, finches, sparrows, that kind of thing.
14:37And it's, um, it's very, very dull and birdy.
14:41So stay away from that, okay?
14:43Okay.
14:44All right, okay. Good, good.
14:45Now, if you want to...
14:47Have a seat, have a seat.
14:50Now.
14:52Music.
15:06Sounds good.
15:07You've been practising.
15:09Oh, hello.
15:10Hi.
15:19You are the lowest, Harold. Can you?
15:34Awful, isn't it?
15:35Much worse than lying to that sweet old blind man.
15:38Now, clear off. You're ruining my gig.
15:40Good, isn't he?
15:50Amazing.
15:52The truth is, he's a genius.
15:56And this is nothing.
15:57Upstairs, he's got rooms full of his most recent paintings.
16:02He can, uh, speak nine languages, blow glass, do hard sums.
16:07But he wouldn't tell you because he's just so modest.
16:09Yes.
16:10I had no idea.
16:11I mean, he seems, he seems so sort of awkward.
16:15What he needs is someone to give him confidence.
16:19Right.
16:36That was a bit clumsy. I'm usually better.
16:38That was just fine.
16:39Come on, you. You're taking me out.
16:48Money. Taxis. Dinners. Tips. Come on.
16:50What did you say about me? You were talking. What did you say?
16:52Just nice things.
16:53Oh, you poor thing. Money. You mustn't let him exploit you like that.
17:07You come and sit down.
17:08And have a nice practice of the Bach for you, Sue. Get off!
17:09This is my holiday. I'm going to the pub. I'm never playing for you again.
17:23Well, if you can pick it up just like that. Anybody can.
17:38You freak!
17:39Oh, God.
17:40Oh, come on, Manny. Please. Joseph is going to be here in a minute.
17:54Stop. Stop. Stop.
17:56What am I going to say to him? He'll kill me with his cane.
18:01You. What did you say to Kate?
18:03She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied. I have to go along with all this reclusive genius stuff.
18:11She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm a reclusive wanker.
18:15You have lied, both of you. It's your fault. I'm hungover and I'm on holiday. I'm going to lie down.
18:24He's right. We just have to tell them the truth.
18:27Joseph.
18:30Hello.
18:32Fran, my dear.
18:34Now, this is very difficult for me.
18:36I know. I know. Bach is always a challenge.
18:40Now, permit me to introduce my father, who flew in this morning from Petersburg.
18:46Miss Fran, my father, Peter.
18:49Hello. Yes. Well, now, this makes what I have to say even more difficult.
18:52Ah, but wait. My grandfather, Anton. All the way from Odessa. He taught the Tsar before the revolution.
19:01Hello. Um, yes.
19:03They have both come just to hear you.
19:07Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?
19:10Wait.
19:14Hi.
19:16Oh, hi. Um, I feel very bad.
19:17This is Mr. Bernard Jez. Very good.
19:21No, no, I'm not. I'm not at all. I'm not.
19:23You've got to stop that. Just stop putting yourself down.
19:26Come on. Play something.
19:29Yes.
19:31Oh, sorry. Hang on.
19:35No, I can't help either of you. I'm dying.
19:38Look, if you just say yes, I'll stop doing this.
19:42Ah! Ah!
19:44A week. A week off.
19:45I'll distract Kate.
19:46A whole week. All yours. Paid. From today.
19:55Spoon me.
19:56Bravo!
20:11Go on. Your turn.
20:13Uh, how about a duet?
20:15Mm-hmm.
20:19Yeah.
20:23Please, no.
20:24One.
20:27One, two, three, four.
20:29One, two, three, four.
20:31I don't know.
21:01I don't know.
21:31I think possibly the second best performance I ever heard.
21:35Yeah, no big thing.
21:36What do you mean second best?
21:38No more.
21:39No more.
21:40In 43, I had Rachmaninoff.
21:43He finished with Flight of the Bumblebee.
21:47You almost approached him.
21:49You're never happy, are you, Rachmaninoff?
21:51I bet he used all his fingers.
21:53I'm sure you could do better than that.
21:55Exactly, exactly.
21:57I know, we'll do our party piece.
21:59Yeah.
22:00Yeah, we only use one finger each.
22:02It's in triple time.
22:03It's called Flight of the Seven Million Bumblebee.
22:06It's impossible.
22:08You're either boosting or joking.
22:10You think so?
22:10Just watch this.
22:15Oh, that's good.
22:31That's wonderful.
22:35That's just a ticket.
22:36Shut up!
22:43So, Yosef shouted at you, yes, you're a failure, but wish your noise, would you?
23:00I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons.
23:08Mary, get the aspirin.
23:10No. I hope your head explodes.
23:13Have some pity. You have to get drunk when you've been dumped.
23:16I'm delighted. It's all your fault.
23:18I've sprained my ankle. I can only see out of my ear.
23:22Everything hurts.
23:23Please.
23:24No.
23:26Hello.
23:26Hello. Would you like to make a donation to the blind?
23:56I'll see you next time.
24:05I'll see you next time.
24:08Amen.
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