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00:00ABS!
00:02ABS!
00:04ABS!
00:06ABS!
00:08ABS!
00:10ABS!
00:12ABS!
00:14ABS!
00:16I'm Rita.
00:22Come to your place, yeah?
00:24Okay? Yeah.
00:26Right. Yeah.
00:28Um...
00:30Oh. Oh.
00:32Oh. What have I done?
00:34What have I done?
00:36I can't control it anymore.
00:38The thirst.
00:40NHS blood bags.
00:42My own cousin.
00:44Who's next?
00:46You! You or
00:48my own mum?
00:50No.
00:52I'm a vampire.
00:54You're out of law! I'm a fucking vampire!
00:56What do I do, Amrita?
00:58ABS, listen to me. Okay, you're gonna be...
01:00Okay.
01:02You just need to hide out for a bit.
01:04Yeah?
01:06I was gonna tell you.
01:10But I've been offered this placement in Australia.
01:12Look, I didn't know if I was gonna take it.
01:14But after tonight, I...
01:16Why don't you come with me?
01:18What are you talking about?
01:20Australia.
01:22You...
01:24And me.
01:26What about the, uh...
01:28Sunshine?
01:29And the, uh...
01:30Casual racism?
01:31And the...
01:32Terrible food, yeah!
01:34I need...
01:35All things that will be a hell of a lot easier.
01:38If we face them together.
01:40What about the love is running away from a shot deed?
02:02Oh, no!
02:03Yes!
02:06Come on.
02:33I sent Shafi to look for you.
02:53Had he found me?
02:55And Cathy.
02:57Your wife.
02:59Gone.
03:01We were never really together.
03:05Yeah.
03:06Thank you, Abdulillah.
03:08Thank you, Abdulillah.
03:22Thank you, God.
03:26I hurt Shafi, Mum.
03:28What do you mean you hurt him?
03:30I was bleeding everywhere.
03:31How?
03:33I...
03:35Bit him.
03:36Did he taste good?
03:38I'm a monster, Mum.
03:40You're not a monster, Abdulah.
03:43You may not be the best Muslim, but you're still my son.
03:48You don't know what I've become.
03:50Or the things I've done.
03:54I'm dangerous.
03:56Stop it, Abdul.
03:57Are you frightening me?
03:59There are people after me.
04:00What people?
04:01Scary people.
04:02What are you talking about?
04:03And they'll hurt you too, OK?
04:05I have to go away, Mum.
04:06There's no other way.
04:08No, no, no, no.
04:09You're not doing this to me.
04:10There's no other way, Mum.
04:11There's no other way.
04:12No, you're not leaving me.
04:13No.
04:14And you know you will not leave me.
04:16No, look.
04:17I love you.
04:18I love you so much.
04:19I really do, but I really have to go, OK?
04:22It's the only way to keep you safe.
04:24Please, Abdulah, where are you going to go?
04:27Where are you going to go, OK?
04:29Australia.
04:31T-tomorrow.
04:33I'm so sorry, Mum.
04:36OK, I'm sorry for everything.
04:37Abdulah, please.
04:38I'm really sorry.
04:39Abdulah, no, wait.
04:40Slow down, Bashar, Aunty.
04:42What's going on?
04:43Who's going to Australia tomorrow?
04:46Abdullah?
04:47Australia?
04:48That's sick.
04:49Them hedge kangaroos will do it.
04:50I'll call you back, Aunty.
04:51I promise.
04:52I came because I thought you said he was dying.
04:54What happened?
04:55Shafi didn't want us to tell you, but
04:57Abdullah sucks on your fiance's neck like it was a capri-san.
05:01Shafi, wait, is this true?
05:05Are you happy now, boys?
05:07Yeah?
05:08You pushed Abdullah into living life by your rules,
05:10and look what happened.
05:11Don't you get it, baby?
05:14Oh, big man's in, Abdullah.
05:16Abdullah is a...
05:20I'm a vampire.
05:21What?
05:22Oh, my days, how'd you guys get in here?
05:24You called for us.
05:25Nah, nah, nah.
05:26He said it'll be a seven hour wait.
05:27You mum were quick.
05:28Do you want us here or not?
05:30Yo!
05:31Ah!
05:32Ah!
05:33Still bleeding, my dear.
05:35Yeah!
05:36Four hours now, come on.
05:37He did try to lick it earlier.
05:38I'm not gonna lie, bro.
05:39You was moving crazy.
05:40Couldn't help it, man.
05:41I can feel it already.
05:43You're a thirst.
05:45I'm just gonna bite off.
05:47Get off me, man.
05:48It's rather curious,
05:49as you're certainly not a vampire.
05:51Are you so sure?
05:52A single bite only has a small chance
05:54of transmitting vampire virus.
05:56There wouldn't be any bleeding if you were.
05:58Can we not encourage this nonsense, please?
06:01But we would like to know a little bit
06:03about the one who did this to you.
06:05Abdullah, I believe his name was.
06:07Whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:08How do you know that, huh?
06:09What, is some kind of prevent scheme you're running or what?
06:11Nah, you know what?
06:12If my stupid little cousin just wants to get on a plane
06:14and fuck off to Australia first thing tomorrow
06:16without telling me...
06:17Yeah, true, bro.
06:18He's got another team coming.
06:19Ah, he's catching a flight, is he?
06:21Yeah, not if I can help it.
06:23Wait, you're not gonna take him in?
06:24Come on.
06:25He'll be fine.
06:26As long as he stops all that...
06:28licking.
06:29Dead pyramids.
06:30So we're sure, yeah?
06:33Boys, listen.
06:36We gotta kill abs.
06:37Yeah, yeah, that man's really fainty.
06:38Come on.
06:39Wait, what do you mean killed?
06:40Like dead?
06:41If we can get to the airport before he does tomorrow,
06:42we can make sure he never gets on that plane.
06:44You know, man has bear links that he throw as well.
06:46Yeah, that's true.
06:47Shafiq, you can't be serious right now.
06:49Baby girl, I love you.
06:52But this community is more important than anything.
06:54Right?
06:55If we leave him alive, who knows who we'll bite next?
06:56Nobody!
06:57He's not a vampire!
06:58You...
06:59You just need to tell him there's a way back.
07:01Yeah?
07:02You need to forgive him.
07:03Baby, you cannot be a Muslim and a vampire.
07:06Okay?
07:07I won't let you do this.
07:09I just...I can't.
07:10Baby girl!
07:11Yo, yo, yo.
07:12Do you want me to stop her, bro?
07:13No, that's fine.
07:14Do you want me to stop her, bro?
07:15There's nobody stopping Shafiq the Vampire Slayer.
07:19Come on!
07:20Oh my god!
07:21What a dialogue!
07:22Come on, that was big, bro.
07:24What a dialogue!
07:25What a dialogue!
07:26What a dialogue!
07:27What a dialogue!
07:28What a dialogue!
07:29What a dialogue!
07:30What a dialogue!
07:31What a dialogue!
07:32What a dialogue!
07:33What a dialogue!
07:34What a dialogue!
07:35What a dialogue!
07:36What a dialogue!
07:37What a dialogue!
07:38What a dialogue!
07:39What a dialogue!
07:40What a dialogue!
07:41What a dialogue!
07:42What a dialogue!
07:43What a dialogue!
07:44What a dialogue!
07:45What a dialogue!
07:46What a dialogue!
07:47What a dialogue!
07:48What a dialogue!
07:49What a dialogue!
07:50What a dialogue!
08:24Hi.
08:25You know, I fancied you since the first day of...
08:45It took you long enough to say it, though, didn't it?
08:51I had to wait for a white boy face to be well and truly over.
08:54Oh, it's happened again.
08:56Yeah.
08:57Can't you try the clear sun groom?
09:00It's my passport.
09:01It's my eating thing.
09:05Please just step aside, sir.
09:07What's going on?
09:08This happens all the time.
09:09Flying wild Muslim.
09:10I'll check us in.
09:11All right.
09:12See you at the game.
09:13See you.
09:14I tried my best, you know.
09:19I stunted his dating life by sending him to boys' school.
09:22I gave him a fresh bowl cut every year so he was never at risk of being popular.
09:26I put alugobi in his sandwiches.
09:28Shuffy's going to kill him if we don't get to him first.
09:31Kill him?
09:32Why?
09:33Because of their little...
09:34We need to find Cathy.
09:35She's the one who started all this, right?
09:37Surely she knows what's going on.
09:59Before we start, I should tell you I had a pint for breakfast.
10:02A bacon sarni for lunch.
10:04And I don't give two shits about Palestine.
10:12Shit, that normally works.
10:14You aren't particularly vulnerable with gingers, are you?
10:18No.
10:20No.
10:21Okay.
10:23Reason for travelling?
10:25Oh, me and my girlfriend are moving to Australia.
10:27So you're an immigrant?
10:29We prefer the term expat, actually.
10:31Do you have extreme views about our community?
10:34Extreme views?
10:35I've not been to the mosque in months.
10:37Are your loyalties divided?
10:39I cried when England won the Euros.
10:41Is this an attempt to access benefits?
10:43Benefits?
10:44No, I'm a doctor.
10:45Why are you infiltrating our coven to bring it down from the inside?
10:48Coven?
10:49Ay Allah!
10:50We're terribly sorry, Dr. Khan.
10:51But if we let everyone into the vampiri brotherhood...
10:52Well...
10:53Being a vampire wouldn't have meant very much at all.
10:54Let me go!
10:55No, no, no, no, no, no!
10:56Forget the sensitivity training.
10:57We were just finishing up.
10:58See ya!
10:59See ya!
11:00Ah, yes!
11:01Ah!
11:02Ah!
11:03Ah!
11:04Ah, Rich!
11:05Yes!
11:06Ah!
11:07Ah!
11:08Ah!
11:09Ah!
11:10Ah!
11:11Ah!
11:12Ah!
11:13Ah!
11:14Ah!
11:15Ah!
11:16Ah!
11:17Ah!
11:18Ah!
11:19Ah!
11:20Ah!
11:21Ah!
11:22Ah!
11:23Ah!
11:24Ah!
11:25Ah!
11:26Ah!
11:27Ah!
11:28Ah!
11:29Ah!
11:30Ah!
11:31Ah!
11:32Ah!
11:33Ah!
11:34Ah!
11:35Ah!
11:36Ah!
11:37I think you should get that.
11:44Kath?
11:45We're not finished yet.
11:47Finishing's not the point of Tantra. Just get the door.
11:55Oh, it's Abdullah's mum and the sweet-smelling lady.
11:59Come to join in.
12:01Oh, it's Abdullah. We need your help.
12:04Something's going down at Heathrow.
12:06It's not my problem anymore.
12:08Please, Cathy. He's all I've got.
12:10I wish I could help Mrs Khan, but I've got chakras to realign.
12:15Well, please, Cathy! Cathy!
12:17Cathy, please, open the door!
12:19Who is that?
12:20Oh, it's...
12:21Cathy!
12:22It's nothing, really.
12:23It's just the Muslim kid, you know?
12:27He's got himself into a little conflict at the airport.
12:31Typical, really.
12:33So you're just going to leave him?
12:35You know the Coven run that place?
12:36Well, I didn't know we'd be having so much fun.
12:39Oh, Kath, what have I been trying to teach her?
12:41I didn't realise this was teaching.
12:44Wellness, karma, vegetarianism.
12:47It's all meaningless if you're just going to do exactly what you did to me back in the 90s.
12:50That's not the same. There's nothing I can do for him.
12:53You're my progeny.
12:54If they kill him, they'll kill you too.
12:56Yep.
12:57Maybe I just need to accept that.
12:59I've been around long enough.
13:02And surely it's too late to...
13:04It's never too late to spread a little love, Kath.
13:06In this life or the next.
13:08We're immortal, you fuck.
13:10We don't get a next life.
13:14It's all the more reason to make this one count then, eh?
13:20Unless...
13:21And Rita, we need to get on the plane.
13:32What's going on?
13:33The Coven are here.
13:34Sun cream.
13:35Shit.
13:36I don't get it.
13:37What's wrong?
13:38Look, you need to go on without me.
13:39Abs, I can't.
13:40Trust me, and Rita.
13:41Go.
13:42No, Abs!
13:49Whoa!
13:50Shafi!
13:51Sun's out, guns in, huh?
13:53Can't out-muscle me in the daylight.
13:55Oh, God, you're one of them now too, aren't you?
13:59No.
14:00Ugh.
14:01Me and Sis isn't too strong for that vampire shit.
14:04What are you doing here, then?
14:07I came to apologise for you.
14:10Might be a vampire.
14:11You're still a Muslim.
14:12Uh-huh.
14:13That makes you my brother.
14:14Okay.
14:15No matter what.
14:16Yeah, that's great.
14:17Great, Shafi.
14:18You're...
14:21Oh, shit.
14:26Calm around.
14:29Yo, we can hide in here.
14:30Come, come, come, come, come.
14:32Whoa!
14:33No, what if I burn up?
14:34You know, like in the movies when a vampire enters a church?
14:36Abs, you're a Muslim vampire.
14:38Okay?
14:39If our religion is true, the only place you're burning up is in an actual mosque.
14:42Are you sure we can't go someplace else?
14:44I need you to take this leap of faith with me.
14:46Yeah?
14:47You have to step through for all Muslims.
14:49Everywhere.
14:50Can't remember if I'm right here.
14:54Bismillah.
14:55Bismillah.
14:56Bismillah.
14:57Allah, Akbar.
14:58Allah, Akbar.
14:59Allah, Akbar.
15:00Allah, Akbar.
15:02I was right.
15:03Allah, allah.
15:04You can't scream that in an app.
15:05You really did think I was going to burn up, didn't you?
15:07I was right. You can't scream that in an apple
15:15You really did think I was gonna burn up didn't you not for a second brother, but wouldn't matter anyway get him boys
15:26Sorry cuz it's the only way in it. No, I trusted you chef
15:31Fuck would you bring a cross for breath? We're muslims. My nan brought back the Zamzam water back from Mecca
15:37Yeah
15:40You sure that's just Evian you prick what the fuck when we bring the stakes for breath you stuck on the barbecue not I mean ah
15:47Mashallah typical Shafi hasn't even done his homework before hunting vampires. I'm at shop. I got this
15:56We're gonna have to strip him boys
16:00Strip him down
16:07I'll go
16:09Let's try here. Yeah, okay
16:14Come on
16:18Majid is a you
16:22No, sorry
16:24Wait
16:25Wait
16:26Where is it?
16:27Where's who?
16:28I don't know
16:29My flight's about to leave
16:30Tell me where he is or I'll tell your mom what you really put in your shisha pie
16:34Oh
16:35No, no, no, not me
16:37I'm just
16:38Internet says you gotta chop off his head and burn the body
16:45Muslims don't burn bodies, bro
16:47Border force
16:48Hand him over
16:49Oh wait, you might have border security now
16:51We're whoever we need to be to clear up any impurities in the bloodline
16:55Now, please stand aside
16:57Oh wait
16:58I'd rather die than hand over a brother to the home office
17:04Hands off my boy
17:05Mom, no
17:06I feel they were too strong for me, but I've got a snap, so what?
17:09Booze?
17:10Auntie Bushra?
17:11Is she not all our mums?
17:14Get away from him, you bitch
17:16I'm ready
17:17Cheers
17:18Go
17:19Grab him
17:20Grab him
17:21Grab him
17:22Now
17:23Don't you realise who we are?
17:26This is his majesty's vampire coven
17:29Yeah, yeah, well
17:30A real muslim never deserts one of their own
17:34Didn't you want to kill me literally a minute ago?
17:36I'm busy
17:40In use
17:41Let him go
17:44Let him go
17:45Let him go
17:46Let him go
17:47Let him go
17:48Let him go
17:49Unhand him
17:50Unhand him
17:51Unhand him now
17:52Now
17:53Stop
17:55Everyone, please stop
17:59Look
18:00Maybe these guys are right, okay?
18:02Maybe there was never meant to be a muslim vampire
18:06I mean, I've never been the best muslim
18:09And clearly, I'm a terrible vampire
18:16Mum
18:18I'm Rita
18:21Even you, Shafi
18:24I know you want what's best for me, but
18:29Maybe there really is no other way
18:31I don't want anyone dying for my sake
18:38So, please, let me go
18:41Ab, stop, man
18:42You can't be
18:43Oh, I love you mum
18:44No
18:45But you have to let me go
18:46No
18:47Abdolla, you can't do this
18:48No, please
18:49Mum, Shafi
18:50No
18:51Come on
18:52Come back, come back, come back
18:53Abdolla
18:54Don't do the worst
18:55Absolute practice
18:56Don't forget it, why is he doing this?
18:58Stop
18:59No, no, no
19:00Stop it
19:01No
19:02Hold it right there
19:03Fucking hell
19:04Kathy
19:05And the Hindu vampire
19:07You just had to get involved, didn't you?
19:12Yeah, or anything to fuck with the Wunden Coven
19:14You can't kill us, Charlie boy
19:16Passport-holding vampires, we are
19:18You're no vampires
19:20Just a low-class piece of scum
19:22And a packing
19:25Only time I'd have to tell you
19:27I'm Indian
19:29It looks familiar
19:30You need to trust me now
19:32Mr. Abdolla
19:35Remember what you're doing, Rish?
19:37Yeah
19:38Let's go
19:39I think so
19:41What's your name, son?
19:42Abdolla
19:43Abdullah
19:44Abdullah Khan
19:47Right then
19:48On your knees
19:53Blood of my blood
19:54I summon thee
19:56Abdullah Khan
19:57Thou art my progeny
20:04Blood of my blood
20:06Blood of my blood
20:07Blood of my blood
20:09Blood of my blood
20:10Blood of my blood
20:11Blood of my blood
20:12Blood of my blood
20:13Blood of my blood
20:14Blood of my blood
20:15Blood of my blood
20:16Blood of my blood
20:17Blood of my blood
20:18Blood of my blood
20:21Namaste, you posh twats
20:23You can't kill him now
20:26Oh my God
20:29Rizwan?
20:33Rizwan?
20:34Rizwan
20:35Rizwan?
20:36Rizwan?
20:37Rizwan?
20:38Rizwan?
20:39Rizwan?
20:40It's you?
20:41Oh It is you?
20:46Because you, you look so young.
20:54Oh, Bushra.
20:56Oh my gosh, you look so old.
21:04So I'm half Hindu now too.
21:08Hai Allah.
21:16Hai hai.
21:19Hai hai hai.
21:30Hai hai Hai Hai Hai Hai.
21:36Hai Hai Hai Hai Hai.