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00:00Oh, it's me!
00:03Abs!
00:04This is my girlfriend.
00:06Oh!
00:07Cathy, ain't no boyfriend-girlfriend tings in Islam, bro.
00:11That's your fiancée.
00:12Oh.
00:13So I thought, when's the niqa gonna be?
00:16My dad, they've got a sick deal on a venue, you know.
00:18That venue's a room above a chicken chopper.
00:20Oh, hang on, chef.
00:21Ain't she that lady that's been hanging around the mosque?
00:23Erm, yeah, I was just, er,
00:26looking for single, sexy Muslim boys.
00:29So you ended up with a brother who never goes mosque?
00:31We'd love to stay and chat, right?
00:33But there's a wedding to plan, so we're gonna...
00:38Abs!
00:39No dip in your kebab before marriage, you get me?
00:42I think I've got that, brother.
00:46And don't lick it, neither!
00:48Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:54Fancy a drink, fiancée?
00:56A drink?
00:58I just saved your life.
00:59You owe me some answers.
01:00Ugh.
01:01About what?
01:02Ugh!
01:03This vampire is a malarkey!
01:05I mean, is it a curse, like in Underworld,
01:08or more of a disease, like in I Am Legend?
01:11Can I go out in the sun, like in Twilight,
01:13with all the glittery shit,
01:15or will I burn up, like interview with a vampire?
01:17Ugh.
01:18Can I be killed with silver, or is it just a stake through the heart like in Buffy?
01:24Good Lord, Abdullah!
01:25A Muslim of all people should know you can't learn anything about community from the media.
01:29I mean, vampires can be ethical, productive members of society.
01:33Coming from a part-time dominatrix who lives in a council flat.
01:36What?
01:37You got a problem with a disabled person trying to make her way in a Tory Britain?
01:41You didn't seem very disabled when you were assaulting me earlier.
01:44Tell me.
01:45Tell me how I'm supposed to get a job with a raging sunlight allergy!
01:48Ugh!
01:49How are vampires meant to get by?
01:55Mrs Cathy?
01:56Are you in?
01:59Sorry, love.
02:00A girl's got to work.
02:01No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:02We're not done here.
02:03The chastity belt you've got was broken, and I can't pee!
02:07Why is it my problem?
02:09Because you're my maker.
02:11Doesn't that mean we're connected, like in True Blood?
02:13Oh, my God, it's always the bloody movies with you.
02:16Look, just because I bit you, it doesn't mean I owe you anything.
02:18I mean, at least not in an official capacity.
02:21Well, what does that mean?
02:23A bite has 1% chance of turning you, and even then could...
02:27Ugh!
02:28Could you just go?
02:29No, no, no, no.
02:30At least tell me why you want to kill me so badly.
02:31Please, mistress.
02:32I'm ready to pop.
02:33Oh.
02:35Are you working tomorrow?
02:36Yeah.
02:37Let me into the blood bank, and then we'll talk.
02:41Agreed.
02:42Agreed.
02:43No.
02:44Oh.
02:45Ouch.
02:48Dr. Kahn.
02:49Dr. Eversley.
02:50In the corner.
02:55Oh!
02:56Oh!
02:57God!
02:58What's this?
02:59The Islamic Father Karras and Father Merrin reunited for The Exorcist Part 2?
03:04Don't be silly, Abdullah.
03:05Shafi here was just telling me about your new fiancée.
03:07You told my mum.
03:08Why wouldn't I?
03:09Why wouldn't I?
03:10You deserve some cred for getting a khafra like Khadija.
03:11Oh!
03:12Oh!
03:13Oh!
03:14Oh!
03:15Oh!
03:16Oh!
03:17Oh!
03:18Oh!
03:19Oh!
03:20Oh!
03:21Oh!
03:22Oh!
03:23Oh!
03:24Oh!
03:25Oh!
03:26Oh!
03:27Oh!
03:28Oh!
03:29Oh!
03:30Oh!
03:31Oh!
03:32Beh!
03:33Oh!
03:35Oh!
03:36Oh!
03:37Oh!
03:38Oh Gott, you're just telling me about your new fiancée?
03:39You told my mum.
03:40Why wouldn't I?
03:41You deserve some cred for getting a khafra like Khadija to revert to Islam.
03:43Khadija – you mean Kathie?
03:44You can't marry a non-Muslim brav, so it's Khadija or no niqah.
03:45But…
03:46She's not Muslim.
03:47She came here last night herself to tell me that she's converting!
03:50Reverting.
03:51Oh, she came here – oh my!
03:52Are you okay?
03:53Well, between the shock of hearing how my son is engaged to a white woman fifteenектор
03:57to a white woman 15 years a senior and everything else,
04:00I think quite well, considering.
04:02I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Mum, it's just...
04:04I know you wanted your space, Abdullah,
04:06but this whole conversion-reversion business,
04:09does she know what she's getting herself into?
04:11It's not a simple thing.
04:12Yeah, that's why I wanted to come over, innit?
04:15Because most of these old-schooler mums,
04:16they don't know nothing about no interfaith,
04:18intercultural relationships, but your boy Shafi
04:21has been linking Latina since GCSE, big man.
04:23Get to the point, Shafi.
04:25Islamic sex therapy.
04:28And our guy handles everything, right down to the lovemaking.
04:30An Islamic marriage counsellor.
04:32That's right, the best guy in West London as well.
04:34For a little harami-like apps,
04:35he'll probably do it free of charge, inshallah.
04:37Coming from Houndsworth's most prolific centre
04:39of unsolicited dick pics...
04:41Abdullah, don't be rude.
04:42Rude?
04:43It might be helpful for you to speak with him.
04:46God knows I could have used one when I was...
04:47Yeah, so I'll bring him on Friday then, yeah.
04:50Mum, you can't be serious.
04:51Abdullah, I am happy to give you the space that you need,
04:54but I will not let you make the same mistakes that I did either.
04:57Shafi, it's only an hour, right?
04:59Yeah.
05:00I think this will be a good thing for you and...
05:02Cathy.
05:03You know what, it could probably help you as well, Aunty.
05:05Do you know what, there's a whole workshop on why catfishes are all around.
05:07Oh, I could have fish, Shafi.
05:08Thank you for coming.
05:09Yeah, I could have fish.
05:10Friday, yeah.
05:11Catfish?
05:13Fish, without scales.
05:16Or is that my crew?
05:18I was gonna tell you.
05:32I know, Abdullah.
05:34I know, it's just...
05:36Living this double life, meeting older women in secret,
05:45making huge life decisions without consulting me,
05:48how do I know you're safe?
05:50I can take care of myself, Mum.
05:52I know.
05:54But I need to be sure.
06:00This is a hamsa, the hand of Fatima.
06:03It's said to protect you against the evil eye.
06:06Thanks, Mum.
06:07Bye.
06:07It was your dad's once.
06:15Hmm.
06:17Did they maybe have it in gold?
06:20Muslim men don't wear gold.
06:21I want you to hold on to it.
06:26For me.
06:27Fine.
06:29Fine.
06:42You know, I mean, I just shook Shafi's hand, Mum.
06:44Who knows where that's been, hey?
06:51This must be what it feels like for non-vampires
07:06waiting for McAbee's to open.
07:09Well, I can't think of a more romantic first date
07:25with my new fiancée.
07:31Well, I can't think of a more romantic first date
07:34with my new fiancée.
07:44Oh, fuck me, that's disgusting.
07:46Yeah, there's hints of heavy alcohol abuse and shades of hard drugs
07:59and a hell of a lot of sweaty sex.
08:02I mean, that may as well be Keith Richards' blood.
08:04A very acquired taste.
08:06Mm.
08:07Here, try some of this sweet AB positive.
08:10Tastes like a teetotal nun.
08:13Not that dissimilar from your mate, Majid.
08:15No.
08:16Look, why do we need this stuff, anyway?
08:18Blood's like a, er, a good curry for an Indian.
08:22A kebab for an Arab, a Kung Paab...
08:24Gathy, please, stop.
08:26Mm.
08:27Ooh, yeah.
08:29I mean, those iron pills will help,
08:34but they're no substitute for the real deal.
08:36You go without this stuff for a couple of hours
08:38and you'll feel like you've had the worst hangover you've ever had.
08:41I remember.
08:42OK, so, why can't I eat garlic?
08:45Why can't I touch silver?
08:46Pfft.
08:47Allergies, I guess.
08:48OK, and what about sunlight?
08:49Just think of your skin as that of a particularly vulnerable ginger.
08:53You know, you stay in the sun too long
08:55and you'll wrinkle up like a pensioner in Benidorm.
08:57But if you really need to go out in the daylight,
08:59Factor 50 works a treat.
09:02Can I, erm...
09:04Glamour people?
09:06What, like a glamour model?
09:08Sorry, love, you ain't got the tits.
09:09No, no, no, no, no.
09:10I mean, like, er, hypnotising people, controlling them.
09:15Why is it always about getting laid with you blokes?
09:18No.
09:19Fine.
09:20It's worth a try.
09:22OK, how about churches?
09:24Oh, holy water.
09:25That driveway for...
09:26Ab, you all right in there?
09:27What the fuck?
09:28Rita.
09:29Hi.
09:30Er, Cathy was just interested in giving blood, weren't you, Cathy?
09:35You know, I'm fine with your chosen profession,
09:38but taking blood supplies for your dominatrix business
09:41is taking the piss, don't you think?
09:43Ooh.
09:44Ciao for now.
09:53Yeah.
09:58Isn't she amazing?
09:59No.
10:00Cathy?
10:02No, no, no, no, no, wait, Cathy, you've barely scratched the surface.
10:08Explain to me why I'm meant to be your private vampire tutor.
10:12Erm, because I saved your life.
10:14I'm already dead, Abdullah.
10:16OK, er, what do you do for fun?
10:18Fun?
10:19What do you mean, fun?
10:20Surely there's more to life than attacking innocent Muslims
10:23and fixing middle-aged ponters' chastity belts.
10:26What do you do when you want to, you know, cut loose?
10:29Well, er, ever since the government cut our benefits,
10:32there's not really much else to do but, er,
10:34work, drink, sleep, repeat.
10:36But there is this, er, this one place in Chelsea
10:40that serves people like us.
10:43Café Sanguine?
10:45Yeah, I think that's what it's called.
10:47I mean, it's very expensive.
10:50But, er, anyway, we're done here.
10:53No, no, no, no, no.
10:54Let me take you there.
10:56One last conversation and you never have to hear from me again.
11:01I'll even give you the code to the blood bank.
11:05Fine.
11:06When's your next night off?
11:07Er, Friday night.
11:08Fabulous, darling.
11:09And remember, I split bones, not bills.
11:12I was, what exactly is going on?
11:27What do you mean?
11:28Like, I know you've had your confidence issues,
11:31but I didn't expect you to end up with the dominatrix.
11:33We're just dating.
11:34You know you don't have to just settle, right?
11:36There are lots of girls who'd be lucky to have you.
11:39But I'm just saying that if you have any issues,
11:42you can always come to me.
11:44Well, I'm a big boy.
11:45I can't handle myself.
11:46I know, but this is your first relationship, isn't it?
11:51And it doesn't look like it's hers.
11:54My door's always open.
11:57Any time.
11:58OK?
11:59I'll see you later.
12:17When's Cathy going to be here?
12:18For what?
12:19For the marriage counselling, silly.
12:21Shafi's guy's going to be here any minute now.
12:23Mom, I'm not...
12:25I'll be out of the house,
12:26so feel free to speak about your feelings, OK?
12:29And remember,
12:30it's better to be open about bedroom problems early on,
12:33believe me.
12:34Ugh, Mom!
12:38As-salamu alaykum.
12:39As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
12:43Shafi!
12:44What's the problem?
12:46Are you afraid to get sensitive
12:47with the world's first Islamotherapist?
12:49I thought you actually knew somebody who could help us.
12:52And I do.
12:53Me!
12:54Oh, come on.
12:55Name me one other imam as schooled in Islamic theology
12:57as he is in how to climax a woman.
12:58Oh, good grief.
12:59Yeah, that's right.
13:02Now, where's Khadija?
13:03We've got a lot to cover.
13:05Shafi, we know you.
13:06Are you really the best person to speak on this?
13:08Of course I am, Aunty.
13:09In fact, my past life is exactly what helps me connect
13:12to the wayward Islamic youth.
13:13I'm not spending the next hour listening to you
13:16trying to justify your internet search history
13:18through half-baked theology.
13:20Half-baked?
13:21This is all backed up with years of Islamic book study.
13:24Oh, yeah.
13:25Brazzers doesn't count as Islamic book study, Shafi.
13:28Just listen to me for, like, one hour.
13:30What's wrong with you?
13:31It's not like you've got somewhere else to be, huh?
13:33I do, actually, yeah.
13:35Kathy and I have a date at Café Sanguine.
13:37A date?
13:39Astaghfirullah.
13:40This is exactly why you need to listen to me.
13:42Dating is not halal.
13:44Unless you're bringing a chaperon.
13:45Just text her to come.
13:48Is there really no-one else who can help?
13:51Abdullah!
13:52Abdullah!
13:53You said that you'd be here!
13:55I got all dressed up.
13:56Put on a kefir and every tin breath.
13:58Tch!
13:59Tch!
14:00Tch!
14:01Tch!
14:02Tch!
14:03Tch!
14:04Tch!
14:05Tch!
14:06Tch!
14:07Tch!
14:08Tch!
14:10Tch!
14:11Tch!
14:12Tch!
14:13Tch!
14:14Tch!
14:15Tch!
14:16Tch!
14:17Tch!
14:18Tch!
14:19Tch!
14:20Tch!
14:21Tch!
14:22Tch!
14:23Tch!
14:24Tch!
14:25Tch!
14:26Tch!
14:27Tch!
14:28Tch!
14:29Tch!
14:30Tch!
14:31Tch!
14:32Tch!
14:33Tch!
14:34Tch!
14:35Tch!
14:36Tch!
14:37Tch!
14:38Tch!
14:39Tch!
14:40Tch!
14:41Tch!
14:42Tch!
14:43Tch!
14:44Tch!
14:45Tch!
14:46Tch!
14:47Tch!
14:48Tch!
14:49Tch!
14:50Tch!
14:51Now, please.
15:21Um, just, uh, let's just sit down.
15:30Sit down.
15:31Sit.
15:32Are you okay?
15:36Fucking hate them all.
15:38Vampires?
15:39No, toffs.
15:41Oh.
15:42So, they're all like that, then?
15:45Yeah, well, that's the thing from being around for centuries.
15:48The money and power can really get to one's head.
15:52So we really are immortal?
15:55Not as fun as it looks, eh?
16:00Cathy, I've been meaning to ask you something.
16:04Yeah?
16:06Is there a...
16:07What's Abdullah doing here?
16:10Shafi, what the fuck?
16:12I'm killing two birds with one stone, baby girl.
16:14I'm treating my beautiful Nahima, my wonderful fiancé,
16:17out to a lovely dinner.
16:18And I'm also making sure that my dickless cousin
16:20doesn't get up to any haram.
16:22A double date isn't exactly halal, Shafi.
16:24Nor is it romantic.
16:25We should go.
16:26Haven't we met before, darling?
16:28No, no, no, no.
16:29This isn't a social, Cathy.
16:30Anything to drink, ladies and gents?
16:32I'll take a Bloody Mary, please.
16:34Extra bloody, if you know what I mean.
16:35Uh, sorry.
16:36This is a Muslim table.
16:37No alcohol, please.
16:38Uh, Bloody Mary is a mocktail.
16:40It contains vodka, sir.
16:42Yes, non-alcoholic vodka.
16:43Yeah, but what about the blood breath?
16:45Blood is not halal.
16:47Uh, Bloody Mary doesn't have any blood in it, you idiot.
16:49It's just tomato juice and a chilli sauce.
16:52You might as well call it a Bloody Miriam.
16:54Actually, sir.
16:55Shut up.
16:56Thank you so much.
16:57Coke, anybody?
16:58Coke?
16:59Yeah.
17:00Coke.
17:02I must say, my darling, you smell wonderful.
17:07Yeah, you've got me to thank for that Khadija.
17:11Still, I've got a sick deal on oud from this Lebanese guy on Eswar Road.
17:15It's Cathy.
17:16Absolutely not told us she needs a Muslim name yet.
17:19Cathy can decide for herself what name she wants to use, Shafi.
17:22Cathy, we need a child.
17:23Mehema, is it?
17:25Tell me, how does a dominant queen like yourself end up with a prick like that?
17:32Well, let's just say the collective quality of single Muslim men isn't exactly the highest.
17:40Oh.
17:41Libs.
17:42But, but, even with his rough edges, he's still one of the few people out there making our faith
17:48more accessible.
17:49Hmm.
17:50I like that inner guy.
17:51That's right.
17:52How about you?
17:53Let's just say Abdulla's the first poor I've regretted after not drinking enough.
18:03Cathy, we came here for a reason.
18:06We ditched these losers and find ourselves a little lovable.
18:10Why don't you just stick your cock in a pig and see how that goes?
18:16Apps!
18:17You can't let your women talk to you like this!
18:19She's not his, Shuffy, and for the millionth time, she can say whatever she likes.
18:24Baby, did you hear that?
18:25You'll never learn, will you?
18:26How is this my fault?
18:27Are you serious?
18:28Rev!
18:29Oh, don't go on.
18:30Thank fuck they're gone.
18:32You got the bill, love?
18:32Yes, wait, but...
18:34No, Cathy, we're not...
18:34We're not done here.
18:37Over.
18:44Sorry.
18:49Cathy!
18:56Cathy!
18:58Cathy!
19:01Cathy, we weren't done in there.
19:03Maybe I could change.
19:04I've even stopped critiquing how girls wear their hijabs on Instagram.
19:06It's not just about that, Shuffy.
19:07It's your attitudes, your misogyny.
19:09Misogyny?
19:10I've even stopped using your conditioner in my beard.
19:12What do you want from me?
19:13You're not gonna...
19:14Just watch and learn, yeah?
19:16I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
19:16Fuck off, Shuffy, okay?
19:18We're done.
19:19Calm, say nothing, I'm out.
19:20No, no, no, no, no, Cathy, you don't need to kill her.
19:23I don't want to kill her, I just want a little taste.
19:26Just look at her, she's so pure.
19:28No, you can't.
19:30Yes, I fucking can.
19:32No, you can't.
19:34What are we...
19:34Great, she's fucking gone.
19:41A little bitch like you has no business being a vampire.
19:45Oh, well, maybe you should have thought about that before you turned me into one, maker.
19:50Oh, Abdullah, Abdullah.
19:54There's more than that to being a vampire.
19:57If I don't mark you as my progeny, you're little more than a human with a serious case of vampire virus.
20:03You're my maker, you have to.
20:04Well, you can only make one, and you!
20:06You were a fucking mistake!
20:11It's better if I do it.
20:12Honestly, the other vampires in the coffin, well, they're the UKIP voting bunch, if you know what I mean.
20:18They'll come for you and everyone you love.
20:20You promised you'd help me.
20:21Yeah, well, then you decided to go all gandy on me, so...
20:25Ah!
20:28Neil!
20:34Yeah, Muslim men don't wear gold.
20:37I even got a little catchphrase now, you fuck!
20:41Ah!
20:42Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:43Ah!
20:44Ah!
20:44Ah!
20:45Ah!
20:45Ah!
20:45Ah!
20:45Ah!
20:46Ah!
20:46Ah!
20:46Ah!
20:47Ah!
20:47Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:51Ah!
20:51Ah!
20:52Ah!
20:53Rita?
20:54Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:56I mean, do you there?
20:58I need to tell you the truth, okay?
20:59Cati is not my fiancée, she's not my girlfriend, okay?
21:03She's a...
21:04I'm a...
21:05I'm a vampire.
21:10Ah!
21:12Ah!
21:13Ah!
21:15Ah!
21:16Ah!
21:17Rita!
21:18You're not getting...
21:19Married.

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