- yesterday
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00:28Real muslim wouldn't be into this role
00:50Let's you go brett
00:52Wow you see that shot Rev all them years of the Chelsea Academy work for nothing having a replica shirt doesn't mean you're part of the Academy Shafi
01:04Let's go hold up man wait they're gonna let that thing get away with it. Hey big man
01:08They're not gonna do anything unless we keep our mouths shut. Let's go. Are you always backing the police man?
01:13You know pigs are not her love. I'm trying to stop us from getting arrested
01:16Arrested there's in this lamp a four big vampire you're running around in these streets, bro. Oh my god. Can you hear yourself?
01:22They'll have you sectioned. Who's gonna section me Bev?
01:25Look we can't just sit around and do nothing. Yeah, look what I found
01:29Mistress Kathy. Oh
01:31This looks like a job for the lost buyers the lost buyers. I thought you didn't run with the gang no more
01:37Lost buyers ain't no gang man. They're just the cool kids from the masjid. We deal double instead of other things now
01:42Okay, and they don't need to get involved in case she's not vampires. She's probably an addict or something
01:47Hey, listen, I know you don't bang Jim like that yet
01:48But even you were not weak enough to be put in a chokehold by a skinny little crackhead
01:51Okay, then maybe she's a crazy white lady, you know, and given your dating history surely you know how much damage a
01:59Gory with a screw loose can do
02:01Is there something you're not telling me fam? Hmm? Like
02:06Is this some kind of kinky new sex thing you're into? I listen again now look
02:10Hospital is a classic. Oh, you've been watching way too much porn chuffy. Okay. There's a scientific explanation to all of this
02:15Just let me figure it out on my own. Okay?
02:18Okay
02:19But if them vampires come for you, you tell them your cousin fights like Habib, brev
02:25Good I don't go straight down on the left Shafi
02:40I say
02:52Crawling around in the dirt rather suits you, Catherine
02:56Well, maybe you should come and join me, Charles
02:58Or has that imported third world blood made you lazy?
03:02You know our rules
03:04Your Indian lover boy needs to go
03:07Otherwise, we might have to step in
03:10And do what exactly?
03:12Slap him with a white glove and demand satisfaction?
03:15How about we bury you both alive?
03:34I don't know
03:35I don't know
03:36I don't know
03:37I don't know
03:38I don't know
03:39I don't know
03:40I don't know
03:41I don't know
03:42I don't know
03:43I don't know
03:44I don't know
03:45I don't know
03:46I don't know
03:47I don't know
03:48Ab
03:49Are you alright?
03:50We heard what happened
03:51The nurses said you were beaten up by some lady
03:53No, it was just some patient with real housewives delusions trying to pick a fight with the nearest male
03:58We were worried
03:59I'm fine
04:00There's nothing to be worried about
04:01I'm not so sure
04:04Public displays of violent passion
04:07Secrecy about your sex life
04:10Food with no seasoning
04:12I think Abdullah's got a girlfriend
04:15And she's white
04:16Shut it, Chris
04:17Okay, we've been over this
04:18It's not nice to make fun of Abda's girl problems, right?
04:21Girl problems?
04:25You know what?
04:26I do have a new girlfriend
04:29You're right
04:31That is why I've been acting a little differently recently
04:35It's a new relationship buzz
04:38Are you serious?
04:40What's her name then?
04:42Kathy
04:43And she's definitely real
04:45Not one of those anime body pillows or a Tinder box
04:48Yes, she's real, you dickhead
04:50That's amazing, Abs
04:51So, um, when do we get to meet her?
04:53Sorry about
04:54Well, Frank wanted to invite you over
04:55To say thanks for taking the shifts
04:57He makes a mean doss apparently
04:59So, why don't you bring her?
05:01Maybe tomorrow evening?
05:02You know, I'd love to
05:03But she works nights
05:05Oh, is she a doctor too?
05:06Not exactly
05:07She is real, right?
05:08Yes, she's real
05:09I'll bring her, okay?
05:11Um, tell Frank not to use any garlic
05:16She's garlic free
05:20Is that a thing there or something?
05:22Drop the gluten too, love
05:23This is all I got we're talking about
05:25I'm talking about
05:55Oh God, not again
06:10Abdullah, I thought you'd be working tonight
06:12I'm heading to Amrita's
06:15For a dinner party
06:17What's this all about?
06:20Oh, this, this is nothing
06:22Listen, you go have fun
06:24Candles
06:25Your fine china
06:26And is that a decanter
06:27Of your finest mango rubicon?
06:29You're not on a date tonight, are you Mum?
06:32No, no, no
06:34No, no, no, no, no, no
06:36Just setting the atmosphere
06:37For a bit of self-love tonight
06:40Self-love?
06:41You mean a Bollywood movie
06:42And a ready meal curry, right?
06:44A little more romantic than that, thanks
06:46Enjoy it Mum
06:54Don't forget it
07:12Ickluck?
07:32Er, no. It's Kathy.
07:35Salam aliklam. Er, is Abdullah in?
07:38Sorry, are you the bin lady?
07:39Oh, yeah, that. That was just the older walk of shame, you know.
07:43The what?
07:43Oh, we're involved, Abdullah and I.
07:46I don't think so. I mean, you're not exactly his type.
07:50And what is his type?
07:51Well, he only goes for Muslim girls for one.
07:53Well, it's a good thing I've converted.
07:57Well, he hasn't told you about me.
07:59He hasn't.
08:00Strained that he hasn't mentioned his girlfriend.
08:02Fiancé. Muslims don't do boyfriend-girlfriend.
08:05You're either his fiancé or you're not involved.
08:06Well, that's the thing, Mrs Kahn. It wasn't exactly the most romantic of proposals.
08:11Mightn't it be best if we, er, discuss this as a three?
08:15Where is he?
08:16Dinner party. With his friends.
08:19Weren't you invited?
08:20I get my dinner at the mosque these days.
08:23Mightn't you have the address?
08:25Sorry, you're his fiancé and he hasn't told you where he's going?
08:28Men.
08:29What are they like, eh?
08:31Thank you so much, Mrs Kahn.
08:43Or should I, er, say...
08:45Mother-in-law.
08:46Mother-in-law.
09:08Hi, your puss. Your cousin Ab.
09:11Is this your ghetto, Ferrari, Shafi?
09:13That's right.
09:14What are you doing here?
09:15I'm dealing with a vampire problem, brother. What are you doing here?
09:18Look, all the lost bags came back through as well.
09:20Even Majid.
09:21Out of hospital, no thanks to you.
09:22Hmm.
09:23Yeah, I hear the vampires are after you too now, huh?
09:26Believe me now, doc.
09:27Like I said, Majid, your issues were far more likely to be drug-related.
09:31Come on, look at this coconut, man.
09:33You for real?
09:35Sticking up for the whites, even though they're blood-sucking galls.
09:37You're moving so mad right now.
09:38Like I said to Shafi, it's all under control.
09:40Under control?
09:41Last time I checked, it was you who needed me to stop you from getting shish kabad, big man.
09:44No, trust.
09:45Thank you so much for that, Shafi.
09:46But honestly, it's all under control.
09:48I don't need anybody's help.
09:50Not least from the guys who could barely get past Alif Bahtar in Quran class.
09:56Is there something you're not telling me, Shafi?
09:59Are you involved with this vampire lady, Beth?
10:02Is she your little side order of Matarpanir?
10:05Oh, come on, man.
10:07Look at him.
10:07I've done it like he's got no game.
10:13Because having game is so Islamic, is it, boys?
10:16Look, I've checked myself.
10:18There's no one up there.
10:19Aye, whatever you say, fam.
10:21Just be careful around here, innit?
10:23It's the states' wider than the Millwall crowd.
10:26Thanks for your concern, Shafi.
10:29Good night.
10:30Something don't smell right, you know?
10:39Well, who is there?
10:40Was you?
10:42That way, man.
10:43Come on, bro.
10:44Sorry, bro.
10:44Aye, take it early, innit?
10:45What I bring, that just can't be done.
10:47End to me, things that just can't be won.
10:49Two, six of these tricks got kicked from...
10:51You haven't moved down.
11:00Oh, no, I'm just chilling here till the rugby season starts back home, eh?
11:04It means till he gets deported.
11:06Yeah.
11:07Hi.
11:07Hello.
11:08You look really nice.
11:09Thanks.
11:10Chris, what are you doing here?
11:12Well, I just had to meet the infamous Cathy, didn't I?
11:16So, go on, then.
11:17Where's she hiding?
11:18As you may well have guessed, there is no Cathy.
11:21Ah!
11:22I knew it!
11:24Shut it, Chris.
11:25So, who was she?
11:25What was she, like, some 40-year-old male catfish?
11:27Come on, Abs.
11:28Oh, come on!
11:29Yeah, I'm just a dog.
11:30Ow!
11:32What's wrong with you?
11:35So, what's going on?
11:37Oh, I'm sorry.
11:38I guess I just wanted you guys off my back about this whole girlfriend thing.
11:42Abs, do you really think we care if you're single or not?
11:45I don't know.
11:46This whole relationship thing seems so easy for you guys.
11:50I just can't figure it out.
11:52Have you considered arranged marriage?
11:54What?
11:55I know there's a stigma attached, but I was reading something in Galdem, which I love.
11:59Are you seriously going to white-spain arrange marriage to us?
12:01No, no, no, no, no.
12:02It's like we were talking earlier.
12:04Isn't it great that your culture has an option for guys who can't get laid, like Abs here?
12:08I don't see India with an insult problem.
12:10Frank, if you don't shut up, I'm going to pretty patel your ass back to South Africa.
12:14It's progressive, if anything.
12:16You know, some people really just aren't cut out for the dating world.
12:18You know what?
12:21I think I'd better leave you guys to it.
12:23Abs, go!
12:23Abs, go!
12:27Evening.
12:29Hubby.
12:34Hello, everyone.
12:36I'm Cathy.
12:37Salaamu Alaikum, Aunty.
12:50Oh, my...
12:51Salaamu Alaikum, Aunty.
12:51Salaamu Alaikum, Aunty Bush.
12:53Shafi!
12:53It's Abdullah in.
12:54No, he's out.
12:55Okay, we need to find him.
12:56We think he's been hypnotised by a...
12:58Oh, I think!
12:58Bombay, me!
12:59Ooh!
13:00What's going on?
13:00Okay, so she looks like some skinny white chick, but in reality she's a blood-sucking...
13:04I've got a rank, I've got reported!
13:06The bin lady?
13:06Yes, have you seen her?
13:07Yeah, she was here earlier and she said that she and Abdullah are now involved.
13:12Ah, astagfirullah, it's worse than we thought.
13:14Oh, no, no, I'm sure there's a perfectly fine explanation for...
13:17You know what, Aunty, don't even worry about it, it's okay, we can handle it, can't we?
13:20Mind them!
13:21Let's go.
13:21Let's go, bro.
13:22We'll go.
13:22Ikhlaq?
13:24Dad?
13:27Ikhlaq, I'll go where you did!
13:36Is there garlic in this?
13:51No, I've delicited that you don't.
13:53Wonderful.
13:54Okay.
13:55So, um, how did you two meet?
13:59Bad stop.
14:02The, uh, the bus stop in Farringdon, it's a house night.
14:06Wow, wow, wow.
14:08Right.
14:09So, what do you do?
14:11I'm a part-time dominatrix.
14:14Oh.
14:15How did you get into that?
14:16Well, there's always small dick men willing to pay loads of money to be told that they're worthless.
14:22Not me, of course.
14:24Don't shame her, Abdullah.
14:25Sex work is work.
14:26I'm not shaming her, Frank.
14:28I'm just not into that.
14:29Oh, really?
14:31Well, maybe someone needs to be put back in their place, then.
14:34God, you're a fun bunch.
14:39Some of us are just a little more uptight in the bedroom.
14:41Frank, we're not talking about that at the dinner table.
14:44What the fuck?
14:52Kathy, honey, darling, can we have a chat, please?
15:02It's been really lovely meeting.
15:04What the fuck are you doing here?
15:11I'm cleaning up a little mess of my own making.
15:14I may have accidentally turned you into a vampire.
15:27Fuck.
15:31No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:32No.
15:33Oh, oh, I fucking knew it.
15:37God, you don't need to cry about it.
15:39Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:41My mum tried to have me exercised.
15:43You tried to kill me.
15:44And I can't even look at my cousin without wanting to neck him.
15:46What else am I supposed to fucking do?
15:48Why don't you come and have a little drink with me?
15:58It's non-alcoholic.
16:01Pure, extra virgin and 100% halal blood, which once belongs to your little mate, Majid.
16:08Are you insane?
16:11Oh.
16:12Oh, it's the girlfriend experience you want, is it?
16:16Hmm.
16:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
16:18I just want to know how to put a stop to all of this.
16:21Hmm.
16:23Come on, Abdullah.
16:26Come and drink a little Majid.
16:29That's it.
16:45Oh, my God.
17:15We don't know.
17:19What the fuck?
17:21Kind of girl gets in peace.
17:23Word of advice, abs.
17:25It is polite to ask before you start making OnlyFans content in someone's bedroom.
17:30Fucking millennials.
17:45Where are you? Come and face me.
18:15What the fuck?
18:36What the fuck?
19:06Is this why you bit me?
19:09You're into brown men?
19:11What can I say?
19:13I have the same taste in men as Princess Diana.
19:16What the fuck?
19:17What the fuck?
19:18What the fuck?
19:22Come on.
19:24Come on.
19:26Come on.
19:26Come on.
19:28Come on.
19:29Come on.
19:30Are we ready?
19:31All right, are we ready, lads?
19:35Yeah, we're ready!
19:37Come, come, come!
19:39Nah, next one, next one, next one!
19:41Bruv!
19:43You said bring me stick, bro!
19:45You clown, I meant, obviously!
19:47Fuck it, fuck it, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool!
19:49Ready, yeah!
20:01Oh, you like that, Mr. Abdullah?
20:11Harder!
20:19Oh, oh, oh!
20:21No, no, no, no, no!
20:23I'm so sorry, Mr. Abdullah!
20:26It was a mistake!
20:27I shouldn't have turned you, it's against the rules,
20:29and if I don't kill you...
20:33Flippity fuck, can't a woman have a minute's piece?
20:36We know you've got exactly the vampire lady!
20:38Come up with your arms up!
20:40I see you've brought back up!
20:42What if she's got a gap role?
20:44Because we don't stand a chance, then we...
20:45She's a fucking vampire!
20:47Us Muslims disagree on everything from premarital sex
20:50to where the marshmallows are halal,
20:52but we look after our own.
20:54If you don't let me go, they will kill you!
20:56Well, maybe I'll just have to kill the lot of you, then!
20:58We've got snakes!
21:00And we ain't afraid to use them!
21:02And a bat, too!
21:04Why did you tell her you have a bat, bruv?
21:07Vampires love bats!
21:09All right, I'm gonna kick this door down!
21:20Move, move, move!
21:21Come on, come on, brother!
21:22Come on, big one!
21:24Hold!
21:25It's me!
21:26Abs!
21:27Sorry, Shafi!
21:28There's something...
21:29Someone...
21:30I've been hiding from you!
21:32This is my...
21:34girlfriend!
21:35Oh!
21:36Kathy!
21:37Oh!
21:38Oh!
21:39Oh!
21:40Oh!
21:41Oh, wow!
21:42So cute when you do that!
21:44Ain't no boyfriend-girlfriend tings in Islam, bro!
21:48That's your fiancée!
21:50Oh!
21:51Oh!
21:52With me!
21:53tool...
21:54For years...
21:55...
21:56How old can you!
21:57And she became...
21:59What happened to us?
22:00I think
22:01that wasn't not that much as they were...
22:02So Good girl!
22:03Go Baginda!
22:04That, she was raped!
22:05Don't call his arm!
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