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00:00Oh, not again.
00:30Oh, not again.
00:37Please, please don't kill me.
00:40I'm still a virgin.
00:42What?
00:43Hey, broadcast that to the world, why don't you?
00:49It's not flipping funny, man.
00:50Hey, hey, rest, chill.
00:51Hey, come on, bro.
00:52No, that was priceless, man.
00:53Come on.
00:54Hey, that was funny, man.
00:55No, it wasn't, bro.
00:56You scared the shit out of me.
00:58Bro, man like us can't be afraid of anything, you feel me?
01:01Hey, bad shit don't happen to good Muslims.
01:05Look, what have you got to be afraid of when you step out of that mosque, huh?
01:07Lots of things.
01:08Islamophobia, diabetes, ghouls.
01:11Bro, Muslims ain't vulnerable to scary shit, trust me.
01:15When was the last time you saw a brother in a horror movie, huh?
01:18Or with a ghost, or a werewolf, or I don't know, even like a...
01:21A vampire.
01:22You see, I would have thought vampires would be into Muslims, you know.
01:31I mean, I've tried Jewish, Buddhist, lots of Christian blood, and an increasing amount of atheist blood, but I must say, out of all of them, Muslim blood.
01:41Or halal blood, if you will, taste the best.
01:45Now, virgin blood is something we've historically been interested in.
01:48It's just so hard to come by nowadays without serious ethical issues.
01:53Fuck this, man.
01:54She just come from nowhere.
01:55I don't understand.
01:56She's on me, she's on me, bro.
01:58She's on me, she's on me, bro.
01:59But halal virgin blood.
02:01Well, finding that is like...
02:03Well, it's like Christmas.
02:04We don't really believe in Christmas, ladies, so...
02:08Well, of course you don't.
02:09But isn't it Ramadan?
02:10The month of charity.
02:12What's that got to do with anything?
02:14Well, there's no better time than now to give blood.
02:18Yo, get that shit away from us, you nutter!
02:20Go back, bro!
02:21What's the problem, boys?
02:28You should be grateful.
02:30It's against my ethics to use these bad boys.
02:53Oh, quit whining the needles clean.
02:58O, my God!
02:59Oh, my God!
03:00O, my God!
03:03Oh, my God!
03:05No!
03:05No!
03:06O, my God!
03:07No!
03:18O, my God!
03:19I'm really sure it's not what it looks like!
03:21Oh, yeah?
03:22Er, then what's that little bulge forming under you on?
03:24Oh, it's a classic horror movie.
03:27Yeah, doesn't look like Nosferatu. We both know that's a load of exploitative old crap.
03:31There were horrors out there. Mildly racist boomers.
03:35Not exactly the evil dead, are they?
03:38Don't think they'll let you off so easy, Abs.
03:41They'll look right through those cute brown boy looks of yours and ask if an English doctor is available.
03:51Cute.
03:57Yeah, I know, I know.
04:09Abdullah, why aren't you at the mosque?
04:11Mum?
04:12Have you forgotten what day it is today?
04:14Wednesday?
04:15It's Eidihallah!
04:17Which I guess you would have known had you bothered to keep a single fast.
04:21If you hadn't just finished medical school, I would have you backed off to Pakistan!
04:25Hi, good morning.
04:28Morning.
04:31What have I told you about cracking out the Asian mum impression in the middle of my shift?
04:36But seriously, when you're coming home, you can't leave your mum alone on Eid of all days.
04:41I know, I won't be long, it's just...
04:43What was that noise?
04:45I don't know, I'd better go.
04:47Ah!
04:48Ah!
04:49Ah!
04:58Ah!
05:00Ah!
05:01Please, please…
05:09Please, no, no, no…
05:10Don't mind me, don't mind me, don't mind me, please, please.
05:14Don't mind me, don't mind me, please, don't mind me.
05:16Hey, Maj, Maj, Maj, it's me, me, hello, hi, Abdullah Khan.
05:19We used to go to Quran school together.
05:21Oh, it's good to see another brother, bro.
05:23You're low on blood, please relax.
05:26Is there... something you want to tell me?
05:29Be afraid, Abs. Be very afraid.
05:33Maj, I'm not gonna rat you out to the Haran, please.
05:35You can tell me if you're getting high.
05:37Bro, bro, they're real.
05:39What's real?
05:41Vampires.
05:42What?
05:43Vampires, man, fucking vampires.
05:45Do you know what the worst is?
05:47They like Muslims.
05:51Vampires like Muslims.
05:53At least someone knows in this climate.
05:55OK, no, no, no, vampires wouldn't like Muslims.
05:57Why do you say that?
05:58Well, for the same reason, black characters in horror movies always die first.
06:02Monsters don't like people of colour.
06:04I didn't know monsters were so bigoted.
06:06What, do you think they woke?
06:08If immortal creatures of the night weren't our side abs,
06:10do you really think there'd be racism, colonialism, sexism?
06:13Well, there are lesbian vampires.
06:15Like the feminist icons from the James Gordon classic Lesbian Vampire Killers.
06:18What about Dracula?
06:20No Transylvanian count wreaking havoc on would be British colonisers.
06:24Who literally became a vampire to stop Middle Eastern immigration to Europe.
06:29Your patient was definitely tripping.
06:31I don't know.
06:32This time of year for us, it's...
06:34I didn't know Muslims celebrated Halloween.
06:36Halloween?
06:41Today?
06:42Shit.
06:43Shit, shit.
06:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:45It's Eid today.
06:46It can't be Halloween.
06:48Not second off my party, are you?
06:50Well, I don't want to.
06:52I just didn't know it would fall today.
06:54You know the lunar calendar, it's a different day every year.
06:56My mum would be furious if you knew that.
06:58Please, alright, spare me the classic Asian mommy's boy act.
07:01You're a grown-ass man.
07:03You're far from the perfect Muslim and we all know that.
07:05Yeah, but...
07:06Yeah, but...
07:07But what?
07:08You can't keep living your life for other people abs.
07:11I...
07:12I...
07:13Fine.
07:14Eid Mubarak then.
07:16No...
07:17Amrita, I'm sorry.
07:19You've really fucked it now, mate.
07:24Fucked what?
07:36I'm sorry.
07:37I'm sorry.
07:38I'm sorry.
07:39I'm sorry.
07:40I'm sorry.
07:41I'm sorry.
07:42I'm sorry.
07:43I'm sorry.
07:44I'm sorry.
07:45I'm sorry.
07:46I'm sorry.
07:47Well, let's hope that the team are on the nice route and the high skate so far for the
07:51beer, 30 pounds.
07:53Back over to the blues and enjoy the air for the auction house.
08:01Over to the auction here.
08:02Well let the guy be to sit sit down and grab a great loft and a bit for the auction.
08:16I've done more.
08:18I've done more.
08:20Wake up.
08:22Come on!
08:25I found the same clothes that Auntie Savenham gave you.
08:27It matches my outfit! I'm so excited! Come on, open up!
08:33Abdullah!
08:38What, Mum? Uncle Jabbar's eat party!
08:41Can you believe it? We finally got an invite.
08:43Not exactly the Met Gala, Mum.
08:45I tell you, ever since you graduated med school,
08:47all the other aunties have stopped treating me like Bindi at the buffet.
08:51Aren't you going to wear this, Kurta?
08:53I'm very happy for you, Mum, but I'm busy.
08:56Busy? What could be more important than Eid?
09:02I'm reached as a party.
09:05Are you telling me that that Christian Devil Festival
09:08is more important than the holiest day of the Islamic calendar?
09:12All my friends are going to this party. It's our biggest night of the year.
09:16Fine.
09:18Cool.
09:20I'll just tell the aunties that both my husband and my only son have deserted me.
09:34Fine. I'll go.
09:36Tanks!
09:39Tanks?
09:44Oh.
09:46Sit!
09:50Ah!
09:52Jesus Christ.
09:54Christ, I mean hi Allah
10:24You know you can talk football with them or driving four by fours and all that other manly stuff
10:38We never get to talk about manly stuff when it's just him and me at home, you know
10:43That's a very colorful kurta Betty. Excuse me. You do know the ladies are in the other room. Oh
11:13Samsung yeah? Sorry uncle I don't speak Urdu. Oh, English Stani, huh? Catch the footy down the pub
11:25Is it all right if I go out and get some air? Smoking? No, no, I just need to make a call. Thank you. I could have gone for a fag
11:43Got someone better to be
11:48Sorry, do I know you? It's Abdullah Khan, right? I think we took Quran classes back in the day
11:56But you were the kid always on his Game Boy at the back
11:59Ah, yeah. Had my cousin's castle vainry on it. Wicked game
12:03Oh, well, still one of the cool kids, I see
12:07It's Nahima Begum, isn't it? Salaam alaikum
12:10Hey, it's fine
12:12I heard you finish medical school
12:15Yeah, save a life, save all of humanity and all that
12:18Eh, more likely you just wanted to beef up your bio data
12:21Oh, well, er, what about you? You know, weren't too bad at Arabic, if I remember
12:26Human rights lawyer
12:27Eh, my bologna, bruv!
12:30These are my little cousin, abs! Look at you
12:33All them years of that white school got you to Angora, innit?
12:36I missed you at the mosque this morning
12:37Shafi
12:38Imam, Shafi, to you, my bro, your boy's going to be leading prayers around these parts soon
12:43Hmm?
12:44Come to my next talk
12:45What can 90s hip-hop tell us about the Quran?
12:50Wow
12:50This Friday, inshaAllah
12:51Amazing, that would explain the kurta
12:53It's nice, innit?
12:55Hmm, new line of Islamic wear
12:57Looks more like Hounslow High Street than genuine Supreme Shafi
13:01See, you met my lovely fiancée
13:05Look, it's you two
13:09That's right
13:09Do you know what? I think I better go
13:13Okay, yeah, don't be late to the talk, yeah? Friday, yalla
13:16Abdullah?
13:21You're not leaving, are you?
13:22I've been getting marriage offers
13:23That's nice, Mum, but I ain't...
13:25You're staying!
13:25Oh, oop
13:26When you bite me, baby
13:36It gets me mad
13:39Cause, crazy lady
13:41You're the best I've ever had
13:44So bite me, baby
13:47Baby, just bite me bad
13:50Oh, baby, baby
13:52Please bite me hard
13:55Is that K-Pabs?
14:02Or is that weed, Shafi?
14:25Oh, I trust you to forget the mean girl's rule of Halloween costumes
14:37Don't dress as anything pre-2000
14:39Oh, sexy, not scary
14:42Obviously, I'm not as shallow as you lot
14:44Oh, no, you're as deep as a Pakistani boy in whiteface needs to be
14:48Fair
14:49You made it, man
14:50Hey, what are you drinking?
14:51Hey, you got lemonade?
14:53Okay, I better not be you drinking, mate
14:56Mum's mad enough at me for skipping Eid
14:57Chris?
15:00Where's Amrita?
15:01In that get up?
15:02In that get up?
15:03I don't think it's happening tonight, mate
15:04Wooooooooo
15:08Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I love this point!
15:13I drink your blood!
15:20Oh shit! Sorry! Watch where you're going!
15:22I'm so sorry!
15:24What is that costume?
15:26What's the problem?
15:28You're a costume. You're a colonist.
15:31I'm a 19th century infantryman.
15:33Oh, don't tell me that's politically incorrect somehow.
15:37Quite obviously, actually. Grow up, it's just a costume.
15:41Who the fuck invited the investment, wanker?
15:46Amy, what are you doing here?
15:48Listen, Rita, Fraser. Are you serious?
15:52Who told you this was okay?
15:54Oh, there's nothing offensive about the British Empire!
15:57Can you believe this coming from a guy who said he was only attracted to brown chicks?
16:02I told you that.
16:03Get the fuck out of here!
16:06Before I call the political correctness, please.
16:08Go on, get!
16:14Well, it doesn't make up for colonialism, but it's a start!
16:19Woo!
16:20Woo!
16:21Woo!
16:22Woo!
16:23Woo!
16:24Woo!
16:25Woo!
16:27And Abs, or should I say Count Adulla, decided to go for the Islamophobic vampire after a boy.
16:34Well, you can't talk, Bride of Frankenstein.
16:37It's not exactly woke going as a character whose entire existence is defined by her husband.
16:42You may as well have gone as a sexy handmaid's tale.
16:47You can't talk, Bride of Frankenstein.
16:48Fine.
16:49So, you came.
16:50I couldn't miss it.
16:51That was amazing, by the way.
16:52Well, what can I say?
16:53Maybe the Bride of Frankenstein's actually a feminist icon.
16:54In the movie, it's more about pleasuring zombies.
16:55No, no, no.
16:56Frankenstein's not a zombie, okay?
16:57You mean Frankenstein is a monster?
16:58Fine, you got me.
16:59So, you really dated that prick?
17:01Just a white boy face.
17:02Don't hold it against me.
17:03Might never.
17:04It's alive!
17:05It's alive!
17:06It's alive!
17:07It's alive!
17:08And you're alive!
17:09Are you not alive?
17:10No, no, no.
17:11Okay, thank you for your time, Bride of Frankenstein.
17:13No, it's not a zombie.
17:15I didn't see it.
17:16It's alive!
17:20It's alive!
17:21It was alive!
17:23And you're alive!
17:25It's alive! It's alive!
17:29Frank, you made it!
17:32This is, I don't know, one of my best friends.
17:35Frankenstein's monster, huh?
17:36Oh, it's Frankenstein, thank you very much.
17:38Oh, a horror fan, too?
17:40Oh, yeah, absolutely, Brian.
17:42Are you, uh, Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee-era track?
17:45I didn't think anybody would.
17:46I'm pulling your leg, bro. Obviously, you're Lee.
17:49We'll take a look at this one, eh?
17:51Our very own beautiful, empowered Punjabi Rani of terror!
17:58Ha-ha-ha!
18:03Guess the white boy phase isn't over.
18:21Ha-ha-ha!
18:34What are you wearing?
18:51What?
18:53Don't play dumb with me.
18:55Are you wearing what I think you're wearing?
18:58I'm sorry, I don't understand.
19:01Oh, poor little posh boy.
19:03I don't understand old Kath.
19:05Well, listen here, mate.
19:06I don't think this is very funny.
19:09Well, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm trying to be scary.
19:12That's even worse.
19:13That is a terrible stereotype you're playing with.
19:15What?
19:16It's Halloween.
19:17Every year, a thousand pricks just like you think it's OK to parade the streets dressed as something that they're not without a single thought for the people whose culture they appropriate.
19:26Whoa, I'm Count Dracula.
19:28That's like literally the most common Halloween costume.
19:32Yeah, but you're not Count Dracula, are you?
19:33I mean, not even one of us as far as I can tell.
19:36What are you all about?
19:38You've even painted your face white.
19:40Oh, the cheek.
19:41We're not all pale.
19:43And plastic fucking fangs.
19:45It doesn't get more offensive than this.
19:47Give that back.
19:48What the hell is your problem?
19:51My problem is dickheads like you dragging good vampires through the dirt.
19:55Oh, fuck right off.
20:00Oh, my God.
20:00Shit.
20:12Shit.
20:13Not the teeth, Cappy.
20:27Never the fucking teeth.
20:28Fuck.
20:29Fuck.
20:30Fuck.
20:30Fuck.
20:31Fuck.
20:57Fuck.
20:58Fuck.
20:59Fuck.
21:00Fuck.
21:01Fuck.
21:02Fuck.
21:03Fuck.
21:04Fuck.
21:05Fuck.
21:06Fuck.
21:07Fuck.
21:08Fuck.
21:09Fuck.
21:10Fuck.
21:11Fuck.
21:12Fuck.
21:13Fuck.
21:14Fuck.
21:15Fuck.
21:16Fuck.
21:17Fuck.
21:18Fuck.
21:19Fuck.
21:20Fuck.
21:21Fuck.
21:22Fuck.
21:23Fuck.
21:24Jesus Christ, I mean, higher love.
21:54Jesus Christ, I mean, higher love.
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