- 14/05/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Music
00:26Look at that, there's wee mambo.
00:27No, it's no, that's big mambo.
00:30Where's wee mambo, well?
00:32Big mambo's sitting in wee mambo, look.
00:35Aye.
00:36Hey, look. Sook Ferrier, my mouth breather.
00:39Sook Ferrier.
00:41Man, could that guy Sook.
00:43Hubba Bubba's and Bazooka Joe's.
00:45That boy could get a bubble out of anything.
00:50Ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:52Oh, baby.
00:54Showin' something amudin' you, what you do here?
00:57Oh, just smiling wryly to myself.
00:59It's a barman's thing.
01:01You wouldn't understand.
01:02Well, this is a drunken old bastard's 30-year-old thing.
01:06You wouldn't understand that either.
01:08Yet.
01:09Then, eh, these three post-modernists are standing at the bar right now.
01:15Hey, right.
01:16Who's this again?
01:18Oh, that's, that's, eh, that's Tonga Mankta.
01:21Tonga?
01:22He, he was the best athlete in the school.
01:24I wonder what ever happened to him.
01:26Indeed.
01:27Alcoholic poisoning.
01:29That's a shame.
01:30He could've made it right to the top if it hadn't been for his drink dependency.
01:34Aye, nobody needs to take a four-pack when they're on the hundred yards.
01:38Quite right.
01:39Two's plenty.
01:41Worry, hurry, that's a lassie.
01:43What is goin' on here?
01:44What's goin' on?
01:45Come on, come on.
01:46Spit it up.
01:47Spit it up and we will feed it to the dump.
01:49Just exactly what is a joke, ya.
01:51Aye, we don't come in here to be sneered at and ridiculed.
01:54We can get that at home.
01:55Well, look at yous.
01:56Every Easter yous have this daft reunion.
01:59You dress up in these stupid hats and guzzle doing the buck fast.
02:02And every Easter there's fewer of yous in the world of year afore.
02:06I mean.
02:08You, you haven't quite cracked a happy landlord's routine yet, Norrie, have you?
02:13Ah, my horse.
02:15Close barbmen.
02:16All right, all right.
02:17Just an observation.
02:18Ah, well, here's another one.
02:20Empty glasses.
02:21Fill them up.
02:22Go for me, Rab.
02:24I'm no feelin' too well.
02:26Your wish is my command.
02:28You want a belly like a rubber space hopper?
02:30That is your affair.
02:32Well, there's nothin' drank with my belly.
02:35I have a 30-inch waist.
02:37It's only the fact that I have a bloated liver that pushes my gut out to pot and sink.
02:42Dear boys.
02:43Cheers, Rab.
02:44You take it with me, by the way.
02:46You take it with me.
02:47It'll take, it'll take, it'll take more than a duff, aortic valve and a heed like a swan better to keep a government man doing.
02:53Eh, yeah.
02:54Eh, all right to you, eh?
02:55Tell me, as I was saying, these, eh, three fellas that stand in the bar, one says to the other, here, you shouldn't be telling sexist jokes like that, you know.
03:04Ah, you know.
03:05I know.
03:13In the name of God.
03:16His deed.
03:17His.
03:18His.
03:19His.
03:20The bastards might at least have waited on the punchline, you know.
03:25Here.
03:26It was, it was, it was his round day.
03:29Bear drink!
03:30Bear drink!
03:31Bear drink!
03:32Bear drink!
03:33Bear drink!
03:34Bear drink!
03:35Bear drink!
03:36Bear drink!
03:37Bear drink!
03:38Bear drink!
03:48Ella, sweetheart, are you feeling insecure?
03:51Eh?
03:52You always fiddle with that locket when you're feeling insecure.
03:56I'm feeling a lot of things sitting here, Jamesy.
04:00Insecurity's just one of them.
04:02What about shame?
04:05Mortification.
04:06But Ella!
04:07Pet!
04:08I mean, I, I gave up the class reunion to be here.
04:12You're the one that's always saying how we need to share more experiences.
04:15Aye.
04:16But V-Day isn't actually what I had in mind, Jamesy.
04:19Ella!
04:20Darling!
04:21Don't call it V-Day.
04:22That just cheapens it.
04:23What we've got's nicer than that.
04:24What we've got's called crabs or thrush or...
04:26Shut it!
04:27I don't want the whole clinic to know we're rampant with disease.
04:28Next!
04:29What we've got's nicer than that.
04:30What we've got's called crabs or thrush or...
04:31Shut it!
04:32I don't want the whole clinic to know we're rampant with disease.
04:33Next!
04:34Look at the age of these people.
04:35I know.
04:36Such disgusting behaviour amongst the young.
04:37Unless we had the decency to wait till we were old and better before the day.
04:38We've got the age of these people.
04:39What?
04:40What?
04:41What?
04:42What?
04:43What?
04:44What?
04:45What?
04:46What?
04:47What?
04:48What?
04:49What?
04:50What?
04:51What?
04:52What?
04:53What?
04:54What?
04:55What?
04:56What?
04:57What?
04:58What?
04:59What?
05:00What?
05:01What?
05:02What?
05:03And then lulling and gliding some later and smjang to grow and your toそ be an old
05:05and better before we've got a dose of air.
05:06Like.
05:07Don't you use the word decency in my company!
05:10If you hadn't been sniffing round that rean of cockroaches we wouldn't have been sitting
05:13here in the first place.
05:14Wait a minute.
05:15That is unfair!
05:16I've got myself a toilet seat.
05:18Aye.
05:19You think, what was that toilet seat?
05:20An rean of cockroaches?
05:22But that's not the point!
05:23If.
05:24They and were CAM하기 there in all innocence to pay for their scullery.
05:27And three quarts of julips.
05:28Two litres of tons!
05:29A bunch of tulips and a baller for me.
05:31Bar ei knew았.
05:32Frontalers are dé unemployed.
05:33Oh, I mean, I saw you from the bedroom, Wendy.
05:37So there was paumine, and yes, there may have been tulips, yes, there may have been,
05:40but do you have a problem with that?
05:42Wait a minute.
05:44Are you trying to imply that I went round there with some sort of unsavoury ulterior motive?
05:50Because if so, may I say, I find that sad.
05:52I find that very, very sad.
05:55And a pack of condoms.
05:57She dropped in the kitchen mat as you slinked out the back door.
06:01What may I say?
06:05I am disappointed in you, Ella.
06:09But my mate's one mistake.
06:12He succumbs wise to temptation.
06:15Once?
06:16Once and once, only.
06:19Are you sure?
06:21Cross my heart and hold it down.
06:24Ella, angel, would I lie to you?
06:28Next.
06:29That's me.
06:31You here again.
06:32We should get you a season ticket.
06:34We should get you, right?
06:36Eh, where should I go, please, nurse?
06:39You can.
06:40You deemooders in here than the junior doctors.
06:42You're all the NHS, 30.
06:45Lead on, cleaver face.
06:48In there.
06:51Many.
06:52There's no one in a million in them that's worth a candle, is there?
06:56No.
06:56No.
06:56But there's still that one in a million.
07:00Of course, Easter is a deeply spiritual time, symbolizing rebirth and regeneration.
07:22Ah, here we are in the abbey gardens.
07:26Ah, you see Brother Frank, tending his own colourful little patch.
07:33Brother Frank is the most zealous of all the monks.
07:38Other than to take confession, not a word has passed his lips, as since he came down from Glasgow nearly 20 years ago.
07:46More devotion soon.
07:50First, let's visit the abbey winepresses and see how we make the tonic brew that has brought good health and innocent pleasure to countless thousands up and down the country.
08:02What's the verdict, Doctor?
08:19He'll live, Mrs. Nesbitt.
08:21Bastard.
08:22On the other hand, I can't guarantee he'll be the same man you've always known.
08:27At least there's some good newsy.
08:29He'll just touch and go for a while, believe me.
08:32What I can't understand is how come his drinking chums didn't notice he'd stopped breathing when he'd choked on his own vomit?
08:39I think the answer to that's quite simple, Doctor.
08:43Because they were choking on their own vomit as well.
08:50Perhaps this narrow squeak will have given him a nasty shock.
08:54With any luck, your husband will never touch another drop, Mrs. Nesbitt.
08:58Do you really think so, Doctor?
09:00Oh, you take it from me.
09:02I've seen them all.
09:04Chances are it'll be a very long time before he takes another drink.
09:10Let me show you out, Mrs. Nesbitt.
09:11I'll tell you one thing.
09:40I'll tell you about the National Health, don't.
09:43They just don't train them the way they used to.
09:46You know what I'm saying?
09:51Cheers.
09:52Will you shut up?
10:07You'll be frightening the patients.
10:09I'm a patient and I'm in agony, right?
10:11Oi!
10:12Who's training you people these days?
10:14Dino Rod?
10:15It's your own fault.
10:16Have you organ had me taken fright?
10:18I would me.
10:19I had you chased it half way up your colon with the forceps.
10:22Do you have me finished?
10:23I mean, is that you done with the bedside manner?
10:26Because I wouldn't like to keep you away for your second job with a stun going up at the
10:29abattoir.
10:30I know what I'm saying.
10:30I'll tell you people.
10:31And don't let me catch you back here again.
10:33Aye, all right.
10:34I'm gone.
10:36I'm looking at you who reminds me.
10:37I'll need you to buy the wife an Easter egg.
10:39Get it!
10:40Next!
10:47With a body like that, you should come in a box wrapped up in silver paper.
10:52Oh, Jamesy.
10:55Jamesy!
10:57Ram, are you 13 pound on the left?
11:02God's sake, Ram, I knew they were short of beds, but I didn't know they were just to
11:12this.
11:13Don't be this, stupid.
11:15I'm doing a run out here.
11:16I've signed myself out.
11:17Shut up, wise, Ram.
11:19If you want, I hear you were at this door.
11:21Oh, shit.
11:22He just about lost me in the operating table, Jimmy.
11:25He died.
11:27No.
11:28I fell off it and rolled under the medicine cabinet.
11:30Of course I don't do any of which I've been.
11:34For my old eye.
11:37Not that stuff can kill you.
11:40I know.
11:43Come on!
11:46Here, you get that one.
11:48Come on.
11:48Come on.
11:48You know, the older I get, the more I'm attracted to the church, Mary.
12:02I used to come here the odd time with Frank, mind.
12:06Frankie?
12:09God, I haven't heard you mention his name in years.
12:13You know, when we were at school, I used to think that you two were a dead cert to get
12:18married.
12:20Frank was different from the others.
12:23He treated women with respect.
12:25That's what made me think he must be gay.
12:29If I dumped him.
12:32I often think that was my biggest mistake in life.
12:36Oh, no, Ella.
12:39You married Jamesy?
12:41Oh.
12:45Aye.
12:48Hall, what do you say?
12:50Any chance you'll fall glass from here?
12:53Call me a spoil sport.
12:55But when you start to lose your stomach lining through a drinking hospital paint, stripper,
13:00don't you think maybe that's nature's way of saying Hall lay off a drink?
13:04We are laying off it.
13:05We're no touching on trap.
13:07Exactly.
13:08We're just drinking wine.
13:09See?
13:09So get born.
13:13What are you going at now?
13:15Is this another wee barman's thing?
13:17No, it's just that you guys have quite a personal interpretation of the word abstinence.
13:22Why are you here, smartass?
13:24Do you think we don't know we've got problems, eh?
13:28What are you doing now?
13:30Right, look at that.
13:32I've turned a funny collar.
13:38Ah, I see.
13:39It's pink, Jamesy.
13:41That's the way it looks when they scrape all the fungus and the dirt off it, you know.
13:47It's so funny.
13:49I could die of this.
13:50You can.
13:51The alcohol's going to kill you first.
13:53Aye, and whose fault is that?
13:55Whose fault is that?
13:56You're the bastard that sells it, isn't it?
13:58Oh, don't be like that.
13:59I mean, after all, it's like you say.
14:01This isn't real drinking.
14:02This is wine.
14:04Red wine drinking's religious.
14:06It is.
14:07Aye.
14:09See, this guy's brewed by monks.
14:11So it's symbolic.
14:12In symbolic terms, this isn't wine.
14:15It's actually the blood of Christ.
14:17The blood of Christ, eh?
14:23What do you like to see him take a breathalyzer test, eh, don't you?
14:27Say it up.
14:29Religion is a very delicate subject now.
14:32Talk like that is blast.
14:34Blast furnace?
14:35That's a blast furnace, talk like that.
14:39You could go in a bad fire and we talk like that.
14:42A bad fire?
14:43Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:45A lot of superstitious crap.
14:48I mean, look at that.
14:50Look at that, man.
14:51Look at that.
14:52Huh?
14:52No, you're going too far.
14:54That is Moses reading the king's commandments.
14:58That is big chuck hessing with a duff pairn and a bear of shawl sandals.
15:04No religious, then, Ruff?
15:06Religious?
15:07I will tell you this, but...
15:09Sorry, Ruff.
15:10Go on.
15:11Tell him.
15:14What's that you've got there?
15:16It's a school football team, Foytta, Ruff.
15:20The man's bit crossies have all croaked it.
15:22All that's left is you, me and Hamshank Frank.
15:27Ah, Hamshank Frank.
15:29Hamshank Frank?
15:30Fancy Della?
15:32Yeah, nah, buggered off the Govan because she chopped him for you.
15:36You know me, Ruff?
15:37I don't like to gloat, but, yes, I did tan his ass.
15:41Listen, Jamesy.
15:43Me, the only thing that is taking a tanning round here is your essential organs, boy.
15:52Jamesy, we're going to have to do something.
15:55Aye.
15:56I'm faster than you think.
15:57That's Orkney Street, Nick.
15:59They're looking for you pair.
16:00Something about a stolen case of formaldehyde?
16:03Hush, hush, hush, hush.
16:05Pull me in his arm, I'm ready to call.
16:07I want him to be here.
16:12Bloody bank holiday traffic.
16:14It's a miracle I got up here.
16:16It really is.
16:17Where do you want your buck fast?
16:18It's a sign, Nisbet.
16:21Why don't you lie low for a while?
16:24Cad you live down south half of him?
16:25Sorry, Brother Adam.
16:51I just can't eat.
16:52Brother Gideon, what's wrong?
16:57It's him, Brother Frank.
16:59He's so unsociable.
17:01That aggressive isolation of his is putting me off my repast.
17:06Brother Frank has been with us for some years, Gideon.
17:11Indeed, he is one of the most devoted of our brethren.
17:16The fact that he chooses to be isolated does not mean that he's being aggressive.
17:22You're right, Brother Adam.
17:24I apologise for my lapse of faith.
17:28Accepted, Brother Gideon.
17:43Eat your supper.
17:44Oh, that's what I said.
18:09It's him, dear.
18:10What a year.
18:11The place what he make.
18:13But fast.
18:17We worship you, O great place of Swally.
18:20We worship you, O great place of Swally.
18:24We worship you.
18:24Yeah, a monk.
18:27A dirty, big monk.
18:28I see him.
18:32All right, pal.
18:33Good day for the monk, eh?
18:38Well, I'd say.
18:39I don't know.
18:40Just give him some monk pattern.
18:42You know, King of Kings.
18:43Geoffrey Hunter, that.
18:44That was a damn hunter.
18:45Just say something, won't you?
18:49Greetings.
18:50Greetings.
18:52We are, eh, we are pilgrims.
18:56We come from a land far, far away.
19:00A land of heather and misty mountains.
19:03And men with diseases of the willy.
19:07Hello with the fun.
19:08You're doing, eh?
19:10And tell me, what do you hope to find here?
19:12Well, eh, my pal here is actually looking for a miracle.
19:16So, if you could maybe point us in the direction of the fairy grotto.
19:20And, eh, you can maybe slurp a wee bit of the holy waterer.
19:24Touch the hem of a robe or something, you know.
19:26I'll just kind of lurk about the gift shop until he is cured.
19:31Well, you could always try the obvious remedy.
19:34What's that?
19:36Prayer.
19:36Look at that, eh?
19:47Alton Towers with a pass.
19:50I mean, don't get me wrong.
19:52I'm like most people, you know.
19:54I could tolerate the church if it wasn't for the church growers.
19:58Funny tweed coats, Honda civics and sanctimonious expressions.
20:03Mind you, I don't suppose the Godfellers exactly cock-a-hoop about the situation here, you know.
20:10Or the sure-faced grannies with double gussets cluttering up his living room, you know what I mean?
20:19Oh, eh, nae, nae, nae offence doll, you know.
20:24Wish the earth time gone ham, remember?
20:28Eh, I hope this wine travels well, eh?
20:31Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
20:33Know that I skip much your journey, you understand.
20:35Just, just from my epic laughter to my belly button.
20:46Religion's fairly cheered him up, eh?
20:48Forgive me, Father, for I am a bad man.
21:06I have sinned.
21:09How have you sinned, my son?
21:10Well, although I am married, I have always been some man with a bench, you know.
21:17However, this has caused my dear wife some distress.
21:22Especially since many years ago, she chucked a bloke that loved her for me.
21:28It's a terrible tale, my son.
21:32But it's one to which I can relate.
21:34Many years ago, before I became a monk,
21:39I too was much in love with a woman that left me for another man.
21:42I always swore to revenge myself on him.
21:50His name was...
21:52Jamesy.
21:54Jamesy, she, she.
21:56You had better change your wealth.
21:59I adored that woman.
22:01I loved her.
22:04I put her on a pedestal.
22:07Her name was...
22:09Ella, says her.
22:12You had have been better after marrying that numpty.
22:15Seeing as how you still wear that stupid locket of his ring up neck.
22:22Tell me...
22:23How is Ella?
22:27Oh, no too good, actually, since I gave her a doz of the clap.
22:31She's forgiven me for...
22:33Well, it's a drink she doesnae like.
22:36She says if I don't chuck it, she'll chuck me.
22:40Father, what can I do?
22:44Father?
22:46Let's talk about it, Jamesy.
22:49Frank!
22:50Holy ham shank, Frank.
22:55Nae hard feelings, eh, Jamesy?
22:57Oh, no.
22:59For give and forget, you know me, Frankie.
23:01Good.
23:03Let's bury the hatchet then, Jamesy.
23:06Over a wee drink, eh?
23:07Mm-hm.
23:09Mm-hm.
23:12Meri kumadai kumavadokere.
23:16Shhh!
23:17Shhh!
23:17Oh, there's a wonderful atmosphere in the peace, isn't the brother Adam?
23:35Yes, it's so tranquil.
23:37I'll rise and go now and go to Minisfree
23:39for a small log cabin built there of sticks and wattles, mate.
23:44And I will have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow, it's dropping...
23:51Ah! Oh, yeah! That's impossible!
23:56He'll be a penny of sandals.
23:59He just have a cut to make my bloody nudge out there.
24:02So, so, even in an abbey, you can't escape the hooligan element.
24:06Could I ask you to move on, please?
24:09I'm afraid we don't permit drinking in the abbey grounds.
24:12Don't permit drinking!
24:14The grounds are for all of us to enjoy.
24:17People like you spoil everything.
24:19People like me?
24:21Listen, you hear me, lady.
24:23If it wasn't for people like me, there wouldn't be any bloody abbey grounds.
24:28I mean, what do you think is propping this place up, eh?
24:30God's lump?
24:31No, it is a sea of bloody alcohol!
24:34I think you're rather overstating your case.
24:37Oh, is that a fact?
24:39Is that a fact, brother?
24:40Well, you listen here to me, eh?
24:42I am an alky, right?
24:43I drink your hooch.
24:44Eh, so does every alky in Scotland.
24:47In fact, there is more Buckfast sold when I come for, boy, than Bibles.
24:52And it is that dosh that is paying for this gaff here.
24:57You should be selling icons of us in that bloody gaff chop of your head.
25:01For slivers on a cross!
25:04Saint Cyrusus of the sacred swallet!
25:08For ye, verily, that is shite like me that is fertilizing your hallowed ground, brother!
25:13I'd rather think you'd better leave.
25:16Oh, don't you worry.
25:17Don't you worry!
25:18I'm going, I'm going!
25:19Just as soon as I got my pal out of Disney World area!
25:24Stop!
25:34Cotter!
25:37Cotter, come on!
25:39Let's get out here!
25:40Look, there's only so much shite and onions a man can swallow!
25:49Now, either the angels has taken him, or he is back on the swallow!
25:55Call me a cynic, but I know what one had to choose.
26:00Whoa!
26:01A sign!
26:02Oh, don't worry yourself, Bear.
26:12I'm sure Jamesy'll turn up.
26:14Don't say that, Mary.
26:17I'm just starting to get excited.
26:20That's the golin' thing about a marriage licence.
26:23There's nae loss or theft clause.
26:25At least, if a motor's a right-half, you get a chance to change it.
26:28Oh, yeah, but can I say gash after him, eh?
26:30He could take Jamesy for a joyride in that bike of his.
26:34Ah, you'll not be having much joyride in Cotter these days, eh?
26:36Oh, shut it, you!
26:42Hello?
26:45Rab?
26:46Where are you?
26:49Bugfast?
26:50Where the hell's that?
26:51Let me speak to him, Mary.
26:54Hello, Rab?
26:56Is Jamesy there?
26:57Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi.
26:59He's here, Ellie, he's here.
27:02But before I put him on, I think there's something you should know.
27:06I'm no coming out!
27:07Shut it, you!
27:11You'll never guess what's happened, Ellie.
27:14Jamesy met an old flame of yours down here.
27:17A fella called, eh, Frank.
27:19Frank?
27:21Well, one thing led to another, and the upshot is...
27:26I'll tell her!
27:31Ella, I'm a monk.
27:34He made me say monk forums.
27:38He says I've had chopped the monk in.
27:41He's got a bad curse on me.
27:44Ella!
27:45Ella, what can I do?
27:47I...
27:48You've got to hand it to my family, haven't you?
27:55I mean, you know, I mean, some fellas get drunk
27:58and end up with a tattoo or something.
28:00Not butter.
28:01Not Jamesy, boy.
28:02I mean, you know, I mean, you know, I mean, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know
28:32Pizza!
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29:09
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49:42
26:42
49:55
29:05
28:59
24:49
24:34
49:35
49:37
49:06
48:54
49:08
49:52
24:39
48:25
28:34
28:28
27:37