- 14/05/2025
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00:00Music
00:13Music
00:25is something up with you it's eyes a mental she's pregnant again well it was
00:48me right I'll tear a blood test oh relax I never says it was you did I can't see her again for putting
00:55trust in me trust you you do everything but cock your leg when you pass a lamp post I'm no talking
01:04about trust I'm talking about capability oh we're back in that old tack again eh there's nothing on the
01:12telly so let's assassinate James's manhood eh that'll pass a few idle hours until sterident
01:18time poor manhood who can you see that you mean me that gave you everything eh dimmer switches
01:26saloon doors empty womb it's not my fault is it it's not my fault that I'm sterile I never said it was
01:34your fault any more than it's your fault that you're no well endowed don't hold back ella eh
01:40you don't understand Jamesy none of these things would matter no if we had a wee baby a baby
01:56you and me I don't know what's the matter no it's just eh I don't think we should start to get
02:08emotionally involved with each other actually what do you mean we've been married for 15 years
02:15exactly exactly I mean why upset the delicate magic of the apathy you know right but I'll see you
02:20look Jamesy I've never expected much of you in fact I've never expected anything and you've
02:30let me down really thanks ella henchel oh shh do you know what day is tomorrow
02:36your anniversary exactly and just this once I'd like a present what do you want a divorce
02:48a baby Jamesy surely you must have wanted away in some time a wee son to call your own
02:58what me never
03:03when I look in the eyes of my son
03:27I'll be there to help you in every way I can cause the king will live again through the eyes of my son
03:50no stop me man daddy's here hey what are you talking about
04:00hmm
04:00no nothing Ella nothing me
04:05Ella maybe you're right
04:08maybe it's a wee good day we a wee bit of company round about the house
04:13do you think so Jamesy
04:15but how
04:18leave it to me hen
04:21where there's a woolly there's a wee
04:23a classic big man
04:32that does to bring back the fans nothing well
04:35swap
04:36honoured
04:37where's your virtual reality machine now eh
04:44nice face it
04:45you can get fed up with the fifth dimension
04:47there speaks the voice of the nineties eh
04:51so tell me Sheena
04:56how are you enjoying life at the veterinary college
05:00oh it's great Crawford
05:01I can hardly wait to qualify
05:03what we studying tomorrow
05:05artificial insemination
05:09is there any special equipment we'll need
05:15nope
05:16except for one of these
05:20and of course a barren cow
05:26who's desperate for a calf
05:28is there anything else we'll need
05:31what
05:32what's getting a great big stupid looking
05:34bull
05:36hahaha
05:37hahaha
05:39hahaha
05:40hahaha
05:41haha
05:42haha
05:43alright Jamesy
05:44haha
05:45haha
05:45hahaha
05:46haha
05:47haha
05:47135
05:48haha
05:50haha
05:51haha
05:52haha
05:53oh yeah
05:54haha
05:55oh well
05:56cheers
05:57all the very best
05:58haha
05:59haha
06:00I was only waiting in two for the snowball, okay?
06:15I was only waiting in one for the snowball.
06:17What about you, Isaac?
06:18Oh, I was all right.
06:19I brung my own snowball.
06:21Oh!
06:21Oh!
06:21Oh!
06:22Oh!
06:23Oh!
06:24Oh!
06:25Oh!
06:26Oh!
06:27Oh!
06:28Oh!
06:29Oh!
06:30Oh!
06:30Oh!
06:30I bet I don't laugh too hard, or I might drop the wane right here on the pavement.
06:34And I would never do with it, Mintel.
06:36Ah, don't you worry, doll.
06:37And have you re-fertilised before the ambulance man attempt to wipe the dug key calf at the
06:42scalp itself?
06:43Obviously.
06:44Ten-year merit and he's still crazy about me.
06:47Hey, Elehan.
06:49No signs of your family yet?
06:51Still trying, Joan.
06:53That's a sin.
06:54Hey, tell you what.
06:55Why don't you want yours?
06:57I think you want her.
06:58A boy and a lassie, take his pick.
07:00One we made earlier.
07:01No thanks, but thanks very much for offering.
07:06Ah, fair enough.
07:07Hey, Isa, you come and I'll need to be going to wait at my work.
07:09Right.
07:10Joan's got his own business now.
07:12In Timalkey.
07:13If you see the floors, you can send a gob in anywhere in Scotland to the pain in the arse in your life.
07:18Look at this, isn't it?
07:19I'm surprised nobody's thought of that afore.
07:22To the O-L.
07:23To the O-Isa.
07:24Oh, well.
07:25You know what they say.
07:28There's always somebody a lot worse off than your celly, Ella.
07:31Aye.
07:32Poor Isa.
07:33I mean, look at that.
07:35Breastfeeding two wings while she's one and another three at the same time, eh?
07:39Aye.
07:40Flash bitch.
07:42Because you and me, we go back a long ways together, don't we?
07:49Aye, Christ, we do that.
07:52And I'll tell you, you and me will go forward a long ways together.
07:57You mad my words, boy.
07:59Never mind back and forward.
08:01Yous pair should travel sideways, you should cover a lot of my ground.
08:05Too soon, Ella.
08:07Too, too soon.
08:09Luckily, luckily, I'm big enough to rise above such petty points, Gordon.
08:15That's all you are.
08:17What are you saying again, Jimmy?
08:23Now, this is my anniversary today, eh?
08:27And I have a favour to ask of you.
08:30Go ahead, Jimmy.
08:32Just that, because I'll touch you.
08:34You have been like a brother.
08:38You bring me like a brother to me.
08:40So, go ahead.
08:41Come on.
08:42Ask away.
08:43Ask away.
08:44Alright, Rab.
08:45Oh, well.
08:47Rab.
08:49Well, you have my baby.
08:53Where am I?
08:54Where am I?
08:55I said brother.
08:56No, no wife.
08:57I mean, I don't, I don't want to sound on the 90s.
09:01I mean, they've got people.
09:03For that kind of thing.
09:04Because they're called women.
09:06Well, this is no time for satire.
09:10Right?
09:11Now listen.
09:12I have to, I have to ask you a question.
09:17Well, where?
09:18I don't want to blind you with medical jargon.
09:23No.
09:24No.
09:25No.
09:26But, have you ever heard of artificial impogeration?
09:32Well, I have been sharing something with you here tonight, right?
09:43You know, I want you to share something with me.
09:47What?
09:48What?
09:49Your manhood.
09:50What did you say, big man?
09:51Put it there.
09:52My manhood.
09:53Fair enough.
09:54I don't know what it would be said, but I am small-minded.
09:55No, no.
09:56No, no.
09:57No, no, no.
09:58No, no.
09:59No.
10:00See, childlessness is a sensitive issue.
10:02It requires delicate handling.
10:04Oh!
10:05Oh, you!
10:08Oh, you!
10:09Oh!
10:10You!
10:11Oh, you!
10:12Oh, you!
10:13No, no.
10:14See, childlessness is a sensitive issue.
10:17It requires delicate handling.
10:20Oh!
10:21Oh!
10:22Oh!
10:27Oh!
10:29Oh!
10:30Now then, Mr Nesbitt,
10:31Offering yourself as a surrogate father to a couple of your acquaintances is a dangerous step.
10:37Are you sure you've thought this through?
10:38Of course he's thought it through. Anyway, what's he think about?
10:41It's his libido that's doing the work. His brain's just a spectator.
10:44Yeah, right now.
10:45Yeah, we might break with tradition, you know.
10:48I don't think you quite understand, Mr. Cotter. There are ethical problems here.
10:52I'll leave the ethics out, then.
10:53Exactly. There's no one in ethics. That's why he's gone private.
10:56That's the trouble with our national health. I've too much red tape.
10:59The red tape is there to protect you, Mr. Cotter. And you, Mr. Nesbitt.
11:04Look, I hear what you're saying here. I know, we've got a duty to the unborn.
11:08But, I mean, we've also got a duty to the born.
11:11I mean, I'm lucky. I mean, I'm the proud parent of two delinquent teenagers.
11:16You know, what's he got?
11:19I mean, some days it's all I can do to look at the bugger.
11:22So what must it be like to be him?
11:23And on top of that, the Glacier article is married to one of the most pucker-mouthed, evil-hearted bitches you ever clapped eyes on in your pub.
11:32Thanks, Rapp. You felt not caught in her well there.
11:34No, no, no, no, no.
11:36See, so who am I? Who am I to deny him one wee spurt a human kind?
11:42Yes, well, that one wee spurt could yield up all sorts of complications, Mr. Nesbitt.
11:46What do you mean? What do you mean?
11:47Well, apart from anything else, have you thought about the simple practicalities?
11:50I mean, how is the impregnation to take place?
11:54Oh, that's okay. We've brought my rainy utensil.
11:57I should keep the price to it.
11:59Yes, well, that might work in an Aberdeen Angus, but not a human being.
12:03I mean, there are more traditional methods, if you see what I mean.
12:08Oh, yeah, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
12:09No man but no man dips a wife of James E. Carter.
12:14Wait a minute. Somebody want to dip your wife.
12:16Wait a minute. Will you say there's something wrong with my wife?
12:18Calm down, calm down, will you?
12:20There you are. You see, that's a simple, basic question.
12:22Already you're in conflict.
12:24I mean, think what it would be like if you really did go ahead with this.
12:27I mean, how will your wife and children feel about it?
12:31How will you truly feel about another man bringing up your child?
12:39No. No. No. No.
12:44Look.
12:45You're going to be sleeker.
12:47See, you've got to sneak up in the wee swinds.
12:50Watch.
12:55Ha-ha. There.
12:56Like that. See?
12:58See?
12:58Where have you gone?
13:04Aaron!
13:06Aaron!
13:09Aaron!
13:13All right, Uncle Rob.
13:14I don't know.
13:15It's not well enough.
13:17Right, is it?
13:18I will tell you this, boy.
13:20See that?
13:21It's right in my nipple ends at times.
13:23So it is.
13:24I don't know.
13:24I don't know.
13:24I don't know.
13:25I don't know.
13:25I don't know.
13:26I don't know.
13:56I'll be honest with you, Mr. Cotter.
14:00Surrogacy of this kind is such a sensitive issue
14:02that no GP would touch it with a barge pole.
14:06Well, I'll tell you what, if you'll know how it was,
14:08we'll just have to help ourselves.
14:10Well, I would strongly advise you to think this through very carefully.
14:13I mean, how will your wife feel?
14:16And how will you feel bringing up another man's child?
14:20You really must ask yourself.
14:21I don't need to ask myself how I feel,
14:24because I know how I'll feel.
14:25I will feel pure made-up about it,
14:27as long as utter a man is my mate, Rapp.
14:31Isn't that right, big man?
14:34Yeah?
14:36What are you talking about? What's the matter?
14:38Don't let me do it here.
14:40Artificial insemination, Mr. Nesbitt.
14:42How do you feel about it?
14:44Eh, I couldn't give a toss.
14:46I don't mind that.
14:47That's good enough for me, Rapp.
14:51Yeah, I'll give all that.
14:52Will you tell Ella?
14:55What will I tell Mary?
14:57What?
14:59Don't start acting.
15:00I'll be here any minute, for God's sake.
15:02Surrogate favour.
15:04In case it's escaped your attention, Rapp.
15:07Nesbitt, you already are a favour.
15:10What the hell are you doing?
15:11Oh, God's sake.
15:12Checking the small print on my birth certificate
15:14to see if I've got the right of appeal.
15:17Bugger that, please, bro.
15:18Gone.
15:19Ouch.
15:19All right, all right.
15:20We're gone, we're gone.
15:22Rhesus monkey.
15:23Now!
15:24You've no idea how much this upsets me, Rapp.
15:29But if you're going to make any woman pregnant, surely to God it should be me.
15:34Take a look.
15:36We've already had two goes at making wains.
15:37The bugger's is getting uglier every time.
15:39I think we'd better quit while we're still in the same ballpark as Evolution.
15:43I don't know how you can say that, Rapp is, but I really don't.
15:47Well, that is the privilege of being scum, isn't it?
15:49In return for having nae dosh and fighting the occasional war,
15:53we're allowed to lie about in the gutter,
15:54sputting our seed like a fireman's hose.
15:57That is the deal.
15:58Oh, aye.
15:59And does the deal include making love to your best pal's woman?
16:03It's not a real woman, it's Ella.
16:05And the only thing I'm going to make love to is her,
16:07a bit of cold plastic Tupperware.
16:09Which is preferably Ella, but I mean, that's not the point.
16:12It's not the point.
16:12Ah, you're flipping off now, Rab Nisbet.
16:15But how are you going to feel when your wains growing inside her belly?
16:19The same way I felt when my wains was growing inside your belly.
16:22That is another £7.80 family allowance.
16:27I hope so, Rab.
16:30I hope so.
16:39I'll get straight to the point, Ella.
16:42I cannae pretend that I'm happy about this.
16:44Much as I love you, and I do,
16:47I just don't like the idea of my husband's baby growing inside your womb.
16:52Well, to be honest, Mary,
16:53the Rab was a good way behind Richard Gere,
16:56my ideal father's shopping list.
16:58Yeah, listen to me.
17:00No, no, no, no, no offense here, lady,
17:02but I mean, Christchurch,
17:02I'm not exactly cock-a-hooper by this situation either, you know.
17:06What about me?
17:07I've got my pride.
17:12What about me pride?
17:14I've still got a stake in this.
17:16Well, if we've all got misgivings about it,
17:18I mean, why don't we try another solution?
17:20Have we still have an adoption?
17:22Oh, wait, for God's sake, this is coming.
17:25They bury social workers up the bloody early learning centre here.
17:29Who the hell is going to pamper Sprog there, why?
17:31Eh, thanks for sparing my feelings, Rab.
17:34You're worried.
17:39What's that?
17:40It's a questionnaire with Dr. Giedmere.
17:44Now, if we're going to go ahead with this thing,
17:46I'm going to have to know certain things, you know.
17:49Things? What kind of things?
17:52Just things.
17:53Like, eh,
17:54do you suffer from any hereditary illnesses?
17:58I just have one.
17:59What?
18:00Life.
18:03Are you going to take this serious, eh?
18:06Because this is a pretty big life decision for me and Ella here, you know.
18:10Well, it's a pretty big life decision for me and Mab as well.
18:13Ain't it, Mab?
18:16Pit that vino down, for God's sake.
18:19Right, look.
18:21We are going to have to make a decision here.
18:24Now, two people have come to us for help.
18:27Now, you and me, we're in a position to give them that help.
18:30Now, are we going to give them that help?
18:32Or are we not?
18:34Well?
18:34I know, but I don't live to regret this.
18:39Oh, look.
18:41I cannae thank you enough, Rab.
18:42Put it there.
18:44Thanks, Rab.
18:45And now, when you put it there, huh?
18:50It'll work there.
18:53You know, eh...
18:55Changing times, eh?
19:03In the old days,
19:04all the neighbours wanted you to fill their cup with sugar.
19:06What's that for?
19:18Now, will you mind?
19:19Now, will you go, you nosy swine?
19:20I won't fiddle with your optics or something.
19:22Go on, will you go?
19:22All right, all right.
19:24It's a secret.
19:25Fair enough.
19:25Stay calm here.
19:32I might think my pollen couldn't sit still.
19:33Whoa!
19:37All business, eh?
19:39Childlessness.
19:41All this misery and heartache.
19:43Just because somebody cannae produce what'll probably end up slumped in front of television,
19:47eating a fish supper and putting clinkers out his behookie with a UB-40.
19:52Tell you,
19:53I would have thought sterility and govan was an act of life enhancement.
19:58There you are.
19:58Call me romantic.
20:02All right, now.
20:04All set?
20:05Eh, all set.
20:07Can't we say I feel good about this, you know?
20:10How do you think I feel?
20:11Another bloke putting my spouse up a stick?
20:14All right, all right.
20:15Fair enough, fair enough, fair enough.
20:16I'm sorry.
20:17You can be really insensitive at times, you know?
20:19I mean, I had to use all my understanding to prepare Ella for this.
20:22All right, well, I said I'm sorry.
20:25I mean, just a class of me, but a tanked in Delhi, Cassie, you know?
20:27Eh, eh, Jamesy,
20:29eh, sell her.
20:29She wants to know if you's already, eh?
20:31I will not be long.
20:32Tell her to keep ovulate.
20:37Land on a hand's worth two in a bush, eh, not it?
20:39Cheers.
20:43Cheers, yes, yes.
20:51I wonder if your husband and my wife have managed to do the business yet?
20:55Oh, I wish you would stop Coddick doing the business, Jamesy.
21:00I can only cope with this if I think it is an act I love.
21:03Exactly, Mary, because that's what it is.
21:05And don't think that I don't know that, Mary.
21:08Because this whole experience has changed me.
21:12Mary, I can see now that it wasn't just my sexual nature that was sterile.
21:18It was my whole emotional life.
21:23Fair enough, Mary.
21:24I mean, I'll never get any further than going.
21:27But this baby just might.
21:30And she helped me, you know, to try to do that
21:33will give me a meaning and a blossom in my life
21:37where before, there was just dust and ashes.
21:42Thanks, Mary.
21:44Thanks for doing that for me.
21:46That's okay, Jamesy.
21:49Now, will you do something for me?
21:51Show me, Mary, what?
21:53Get your horn off of my knee prone to a floor
21:55I'll recross my legs and break your nappy-changing fingers.
21:59What have I told you before?
22:02What have I told you?
22:04Weans, honestly.
22:14Yeah.
22:16Ella.
22:17Ella.
22:18Daddy.
22:19Daddy.
22:20What's in the wee container?
22:22What container?
22:24Mammy says Auntie Ella's no feeling very well.
22:27That's why she's lying down in your bed.
22:29Oh, that's a shame.
22:31Is that what's in the wee container, Daddy?
22:33Is it special medicine for Auntie Ella?
22:36Ah, that's right.
22:37Ah, special medicine.
22:39I'm going to rub it in your Auntie Ella's chest.
22:41Oh, that's nice, Dad.
22:44See when you've rubbed it in her chest, Dad?
22:46Eh?
22:47Is she going to rub baby oil in yours and suck it off like chocolate?
22:50Oh, no, tell me what I'll hide in my house.
22:55Oh, no, tell me what I'll hide in my house, God.
23:03Hey, I'll help me.
23:06I'll bring the baby oil here.
23:07Take that look up here for the kids.
23:11I'm trying to be plucky here.
23:13I don't like that saying of me and you, do you know?
23:17I know.
23:20Thanks, Rob.
23:21I don't like walnuts when he lips are sweet.
23:41Wayne's, eh?
23:43Touching that.
23:45Eh?
23:46What's not a scum bustling about with their provi lines,
23:48rootin' themselves, buyin' up with a trickly designer tat.
23:51Huh? I mean,
23:53as if a pickle of pushtare or a mama's and papa's pram's
23:57a secret to a bloody happy life, you know?
24:01Look at this. Look.
24:03Moses' basket.
24:05See? See that Moses?
24:07His name's Mudroon about going.
24:09Oh, and we're just a way up the promised land then.
24:11We'll be back in a wee minute, honest.
24:13Never seen the bastard again.
24:15Yeah, right. She what I've got for a whine.
24:18A my little pit bull.
24:22A musical chap-punk.
24:26Reebok booties.
24:30God and mother care, you know what I mean?
24:32Nothing but the best. Of course, pricey as hell,
24:34but then you can always, eh...
24:38No.
24:39Rab, I'm going to pay for her.
24:41And there's no snap in a mine will be born with a guilty conscience.
24:47Nor mine.
24:51It's a queer thing, life, innit?
24:53We divine where inheritance is. We tumble for the womb.
24:56See this wee bastard here?
24:57He knows the squirrel already, don't you son, eh?
24:58Trying to kill my sauce, eh?
24:59Mummy!
25:00In fact, I'll tell you.
25:01See if I was your daddy, I'd get your name down for the Barla in his special unit, eh?
25:02And I'll tell you.
25:03It's the only way he's going to get a further education than here.
25:04Mummy! Mummy!
25:05I'll tell you.
25:06It's the only way he's going to get a further education than here.
25:08Mummy!
25:09In fact, I'll tell you.
25:10See if I was your daddy, I'd get your name down for the Barla in his special unit, eh?
25:16And I'll tell you.
25:17It's the only way he's going to get a further education than here.
25:20Mummy! Mummy!
25:21Eh?
25:22Ah, your mummy will be coming back.
25:23She's over there buying nabby, don't she? Eh?
25:26I'll tell you something else.
25:28See if I was his mother, I'd take a picture of that ugly wee feather right now.
25:33Eh.
25:34Well, there's still a trace of bloom on it.
25:36Because the only thing that's going to water it round here is cheap brews and dog piss.
25:41Am I right? Eh? Eh? The devil.
25:44Am I right?
25:45He's got a squeaky ball.
25:48He has squeaky.
25:49He has squeaky.
25:50Here, you want a wee chip?
25:52Want a wee chip?
25:54What is your ship?
26:00I'm just saying he's a right wee bruiser, ain't he, eh?
26:05A typical Govan bachel.
26:07What's his name?
26:09Wendy.
26:15You've got the results of my test, Doctor.
26:17Forgive me, Mrs. Cotter, but at your age we have to be, well, careful.
26:22So, what's the verdict, Doctor?
26:25Am I going to have a baby?
26:27I would prepare yourself, Mrs. Cotter.
26:29What do you mean?
26:31The results of your test were conclusive.
26:34I'm afraid you have a problem with your fallopian tubes.
26:38There's an extreme malformation and consequently you'll...
26:41you'll never be able to have a child.
26:45I'm very sorry.
26:48Eh, just a minute.
26:50Are you trying to tell us that it's no just me
26:54that's been fired top ranks over each year?
26:56For as well?
26:59I'm afraid so.
27:02Well, well, well.
27:03There's a turn up for a bookseller.
27:06Here we are.
27:07Here we are.
27:07Here we are.
27:11Here we are.
27:15It's your friend.
27:26Oh, then. You all right?
27:30Aye. No bad, Rab. No bad.
27:33Hey, Ella! Guess what? Twins. Would you credit it?
27:38Aye, go, sir. Selfish bitch.
27:41I said I was sorry. Aye, right.
27:45I was sorry to hear the results of your test, Ella.
27:50Must be, Ella, disappointed.
27:52No me, Rab. I console myself by thinking that it was all for the best.
27:57Ah, yeah, of course it was. Of course it was.
28:04I wouldn't want to examine that philosophy at two close quarters, would you?
28:08No! All right, Rab.
28:10Oh, all right, all right.
28:12I was just saying, Ella there, I was sorry to hear about you-know-what.
28:17Ah, what in hell? Life's shite. Business is usual.
28:20Johnny. Exactly. Exactly.
28:22Moin' in, I'll get you a blowtuff.
28:24No, no, I am. The bevy's on me.
28:27How come?
28:28It's only fair. After all, you go to sperms.
28:31Moin'.
28:32No!
28:33No!
28:34No
28:35No!
28:36No!
28:39No!
28:41No!
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