- 14/05/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Now then, Mr. Mnesbeth, how much can you see?
00:29More than I want to see, boy. More than I want to see.
00:32We're not talking in metaphors, Mr. Mnesbeth. Just try the bottom line for me.
00:36Don't you worry about the bottom line, boy. Don't you worry about the bottom line when it comes to the bottom line.
00:41No bugger. Tools to rule over my eyes.
00:43Just read it, Mr. Mnesbeth, the bottom line, please.
00:47E-A-U-B-G-P-F-N.
00:51Perfect. You've absolutely nothing to worry about, Mr. Mnesbeth.
00:55But your eyesight is fine, as long as you wear those glasses.
01:02I cannae wear glasses.
01:05You cannae be a psychotic and wear special glasses.
01:09Nae bugger will take you seriously.
01:11I mean, I am a man of consequence and government.
01:15I mean, having a psychosis, well, it's like having a nighthood round there, you know.
01:20Look, give them a try just for me, Mr. Mnesbeth.
01:23You'll notice a world of difference out there if you just admit to yourself that you're really getting on.
01:30What if I don't want to get on, boy?
01:32What if I don't want to sit chittering in my fluffy slippers, sucking on Gina tablets,
01:38and peering through my cataracts to watch some four-year-old stinking episode of A Home and Away, hey?
01:45Old age is inevitable, Mr. Mnesbeth.
01:49The question is, are you going to shut your eyes to it?
01:53Or...
01:55open them.
01:56Oh, that was marvellous.
02:23Pure marvellous, so it was.
02:24Oh, dear. What was that you were watching, Ma?
02:28Tell my Louise, son. A great story. Dead inspiring. Inspiring.
02:35How? What was it about?
02:37About a pair of ordinary women that just changed their lives.
02:41I took the blows and did it, ma!
02:46Oh, God!
02:46So good!
02:48Bloody work!
02:49So you are!
02:50What are you screaming about here?
02:51Oh, it's my Ma. She's just seen her whole life on the telly.
02:54What was on? Crime Watch?
02:57It was not Crime Watch. It was Thelma and Louise.
03:01Is this my tea?
03:02Aye, it's your tea. What's round my egg and chips, eh?
03:05Did I say a word? Did I say a word, eh?
03:08Will you stop reaching for the martyr cards every time I open my mouth?
03:11I don't know what you mean.
03:12You're arse.
03:14How come you see a movie on the telly with some women in it?
03:17You're wanting to fling your headscarf out and reach for your crown of thorns.
03:22Don't you speak to me like that in front of they boys.
03:26They're going to grow up despising women.
03:28Why should you despise everybody else?
03:30Why should you be there except me?
03:32Hey, Tiger.
03:33You love your uncle, Rob, eh?
03:35Have a heart attack. You're blocking my light.
03:39You see, not exactly Ben Catley, am I?
03:42So you don't have a monopoly on being a doormat lady.
03:46I hope I never get married. It's horrible when it ought to turn sour.
03:49What do you mean, turn sour? Start it after.
03:52Aye, you're right here.
03:53We've gone right through sour and ended up at stale.
03:56Stale.
03:57You stick to your guns, son.
03:59You live your life to the full.
04:01Listen to your own mother.
04:03Don't you end up like me.
04:05Hanging round pound stretchers waiting on my change of life.
04:09What do you hinge of change of life?
04:11How come you're that queer shape?
04:12Nah, stale to being a woman, son.
04:15Goes with the territory.
04:21Are you going to answer that phone or what?
04:24You get it. You're nearer.
04:26How do you make that out? My chair's further away.
04:29Aye, work it out for yourself, gut bucket.
04:34Hey, sketch.
04:36Check this out.
04:37You've got a stale in.
04:39Hey, now, Caw, he might be an age.
04:42But at least he's still a dancer.
04:45On the edge.
04:46Aye, lying can't even cheat on his wife.
04:49A man's man.
04:50Aye.
04:51Oh, the roses round the door.
04:54Baby's on the floor.
04:56You all right, Jamesy?
05:00Oh, it's just the happiness of married life oozing out of me.
05:04You know how it is, darling.
05:06Aye, I do, Jamesy.
05:08Nice to be nice, eh?
05:10Oh, hello, Mary Hen.
05:11Is that you?
05:12How are you?
05:13Oh, struggling on, Ella.
05:15Just struggling on.
05:18I'm phoning about our Tupperware party.
05:21Aye.
05:22The Tupperware party.
05:24Oh, I would love to go to your Tupperware party, Ella.
05:28But I've got nobody to look after the boys.
05:30And let's face it, there's no going to be a rab, is it?
05:32Nah.
05:33He'll be off up the two ways like the sexist ogre that he is.
05:36Here.
05:37How do you know that?
05:38How do you know I'll not look after the boys?
05:41All right.
05:41Will you look after the boys?
05:43You couldn't.
05:44Probably sit up the two ways like the sexist ogre that I am.
05:48Nah.
05:49I'm afraid it's a no-go, Ella.
05:51If only every man was as understanding as your Jamesy, eh?
05:56I don't know how you manage it, Ella.
05:58To tell you the truth, Mary, I cannae work it out either.
06:02I thought it'd be a battle of wills for me to get away.
06:04You know, with my mother being here.
06:06But he's practically pushing me out the door.
06:08Oh, dear, dear mother.
06:12Aw.
06:15Everything all right, my sweet?
06:17As a matter of fact, no.
06:19It's Rab.
06:20He'll not let Mary go to the Tupperware party.
06:23Goodness.
06:24Some nana.
06:26Here.
06:27Away you and get yourself ready.
06:29Go on.
06:30I'll talk to that big lug.
06:32Would you, Jamesy?
06:34Thanks.
06:36Honestly.
06:38Hello.
06:46Rab.
06:47What do you want?
06:48You're wasting your time.
06:48You've not changed my mind, Bob.
06:49Because I will tell you this.
06:51Shut up, Moody.
06:52Listen.
06:53I will say this once.
06:55And once only.
06:58I have the vigil.
06:59I've just been thinking here.
07:10You know, maybe I've been a wee bit selfish, you know.
07:15Maybe?
07:16All right.
07:17All right.
07:18I have.
07:18But I have just been mulling over the message of Thelma and her niece.
07:24Louise.
07:25Thelma and Louise.
07:26Exactly, exactly.
07:28And Mary, I was just thinking it was nothing but a mills and boon for the 90s.
07:32But Mary, I was wrong.
07:33I was wrong.
07:35You must be looking for a tap.
07:36Mary, do.
07:37You can go to the Tupperware party.
07:39I can.
07:41But I'll look after the boys.
07:42Oh, gee.
07:43I'll look after the boys.
07:45Eh.
07:45And what the time we shall have, eh?
07:48Where's that encyclopedia, eh?
07:50Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:52Right.
07:53I'm off.
07:57Hey, you pair.
07:59I will just go out the back way.
08:00Go on.
08:00What about the encyclopedia, though?
08:02Now, where are you mind about the encyclopedia?
08:05I'll show you how to write out a bookie's line.
08:07The damn sight mere good and a lot of crap about dinosaurs.
08:10Now, we outside.
08:11Go on.
08:12But it's cold outside.
08:13When you worry about that, your arse is nearer the equator.
08:16Oh, I'll do that.
08:17You pair, I'll feel the call.
08:18Come on.
08:18Come on.
08:19Never mind you.
08:20All right.
08:23Daddy's got some further education of his own to learn, you know.
08:42Sex education video.
08:45Ella's not here.
08:46Thank you, God.
08:47Say, get away with it then, Mary.
08:55You bought it?
08:56Aye.
08:56Like a sugar alley lolly Ella.
08:58I played the martyr card.
09:00I can never resist it.
09:01Guilty as hell in no time.
09:02Aye, they're innocent, something.
09:04May it be pitied.
09:06Are you ready?
09:07Aye.
09:08Aye.
09:09Let's Tupperware.
09:10Oh, I'm just saying, boys, it's good to get away for a woman once in a while, you know.
09:34Down to some decent, hard-core education, eh?
09:38Just for a laugh-like.
09:39Oh, just for a laugh-like.
09:41Why, I mean, that goes with what you said.
09:44It's not as if we're sick bastards or anything, you know.
09:47What was that?
09:49What was that?
09:49Is that a kinky bit?
09:50Right, freeze frame, freeze frame.
09:54Oh, look at that.
09:55Oh, this is a real stoffer.
09:58This is what I like to go to country, no?
10:00More like Swiss cheese country.
10:03There's more holes than Glen Eagles.
10:06Nice image, Doady.
10:08You've got an eye for detail.
10:11All right, Rab.
10:13You screw your papers up for can you not see?
10:16Of course I can see, of course I can see.
10:17I'm just...
10:18I'm just my tobacco tin, so I speak.
10:21Oh, don't you worry.
10:22I can see, I can see.
10:23Oh, see.
10:26Why, she's a...
10:28She's a lovely rear ender than that blonde thing, eh?
10:32What do you call her?
10:35That's Jürgen Langsland.
10:37You cannae see, can you?
10:39Of course I can see her, of course I can see her.
10:40As a matter of fact, I was just looking at this, eh...
10:43This old wedding for you.
10:44You and Ella Banking the Happy Days, you know.
10:46Give me that!
10:47What did he just say?
10:48Did he mention a wedding for you?
10:50Right, that's it.
10:51You see what you've done now?
10:52What do you mean, what do you mean?
10:53You've shattered the mood.
10:55Bringing up wedding photos when we were sitting here with our fun-sizing our hon, expanding
10:59our intellects.
11:01Sorry, boys.
11:01It's just...
11:02Well, I've had a few jars and I'm feeling a wee bit on the sentimental side, you know.
11:06Oh, sentimental, eh?
11:07Well, you want to get your priorities right.
11:09Because, seriously, these is loved ones.
11:12We can see these bastards any time.
11:14Whereas we only have the vigil for 24 hours.
11:17So, if you want to get sentimental, date it after 10 o'clock tomorrow morning.
11:21Sorry, Jimmy, come.
11:23As you'd think so.
11:24Dragging feelings into filth.
11:27Educational filth.
11:29Exactly.
11:29I mean, this is the 90s after all, you know.
11:33We're all more mature and adult about sex than we've ever been.
11:38Hey, boys, if you turn your nappers this way, you can see absolutely everything.
11:41Look at that one.
11:50What, extreme close-up, what'd you say, Doddy?
11:53Aye.
11:56That reminds me.
11:57I wonder how my style got on with our smear test.
12:00Oh, that is it this time.
12:02That is definitely it.
12:03What?
12:03What is it?
12:04Listen, Andrew and I are sensitive to me, right?
12:07We can't even deem with all this abattoir talk.
12:10It's all you fault, Nisbet.
12:10You started it.
12:12Aye.
12:12You want to take a poker out of your arse?
12:14Just because you're too blunt to kick it, nudie woman.
12:17Look, what are you getting to me for?
12:19All I'm saying is I can remember the day when we couldn't wait to make love to our wives
12:25and see us sitting here gawping at our roll of bloody celluloid, that's all.
12:30And anyway, if I'm that blunt, how comes I can see that woman across the road?
12:35Stripping down to her thermal vest, eh?
12:37Where, where, where, where, where?
12:39Why you want to look at her, stoning there in that simmet buff?
12:43Eh, that's whin' as a nudie woman, I was talking about in that video in the buff.
12:47I know, but it says I say, rap, stolen sweeties taste sweeter.
12:51I actually held trouble with a sex knife.
12:56It can't be satisfied by having sex.
12:59You can't be too close to my heart.
13:03I know, I'm Jesse.
13:08Let me be your fancy boy.
13:12And maybe you could be mine.
13:16You just need it all up to me.
13:19When you are a preacher.
13:22So we're saying, Hela, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
13:26I especially ask for the results to be sent to me.
13:29Still far I've been reading here the speaker at home.
13:31I'm sure it's just a postal cock-up.
13:35Speaking of bitch.
13:39Look at that, Mary.
13:40If it wasn't a bun with mustard, I'd eat it.
13:44I'm too embarrassed.
13:46I'm embarrassed.
13:46There's nothing, Mary.
13:48A woman up and doing the country, a swarming of shows like this.
13:53It expresses where liberation's been, Mary.
14:05Jesus!
14:10Oh, my God, Mary, I couldn't tell you I'm too shy.
14:28Oh, no, I saw that.
14:30I was just wondering if you'd change your pounds.
14:40So, you're back, are you?
14:47What time do you call this?
14:49Oh, aye.
14:50And what the hell is this meant to be?
14:52The self-righteous brothers, eh?
14:54What's the next line?
14:55You treat this hoosh like a hotel.
14:58My God, I hope you give your mother this other time
15:01when she come back by her Tupperware party.
15:02Right, well, we would.
15:04But she's no baguette.
15:06No, Marianne?
15:07You mean she's still out there,
15:09gallivanting about her place,
15:10leaving two innocent wains in the hoose themselves?
15:13And was you that left us to go gallivanting, remember?
15:16Ah, well, at least I had the decency to boot your arse through the door
15:19before I left with any diligent parent.
15:21No, let her...
15:22Oh, Rab.
15:24I thought you'd be in your bed.
15:28You mean you hoped I'd be in my bed?
15:31What the hell time do you call this?
15:33Hey, that's our line.
15:34Shut it, you.
15:34Oh!
15:35You were supposed to be at a Tupperware party.
15:37Where the hell have you been?
15:38Aye, buying Govan Tupperware.
15:40An empty Tizer bottle in a pizza box lid.
15:42You shut it, you...
15:44Don't you try, shiting him to take the heat off your cell.
15:49You come creeping back here at hours with your tail between your legs.
15:52Look, on the bright side, Uncle Rab.
15:53What?
15:53It could be somebody else's tail between her legs.
15:56Good!
15:57Look, A-H-C.
16:00Rhinestone Heather Cowboy.
16:02She's been to see a male stripper.
16:04Give me that.
16:05Right, the period.
16:05I'm waiting in your bed now.
16:06On you go.
16:07All right, all right.
16:08We're gone, we're gone.
16:09I do get...
16:11Is this true?
16:18If it's true, what are you getting in your high horse for?
16:21Men have been going to see strip shows for years.
16:24Aye, and for years you've been telling us how pathetic we are.
16:27Good God, I'll make.
16:29One wee snuff.
16:30One wee snuff of testosterone.
16:33You're straight up that pavilion theatre.
16:35You're...
16:36You're kyber twitching on the velvet.
16:38That is not what upsets me most.
16:43Do you know what it is that upsets me most, Mary?
16:47No.
16:48What is it that upsets you most, Rab?
16:51You lied to me.
16:52You see, do you want to wait to a Tupperware party?
16:55Oh, so what?
16:57It's not the first time you've lied to me, is it?
17:00Aye, what about you?
17:02How do I know that you didn't sneak off Rooney James's this the night, eh?
17:07For one of his evenings of adult education and sniggering, did you?
17:13Oh, I did not.
17:15How do you see such a thing?
17:17How?
17:18Because you've got popcorn stuck to your ass, haven't you?
17:21All right, all right, all right.
17:23So, I...
17:24I lied, I lied.
17:25I mean, lying is part of a man's nature, isn't it?
17:28But when a woman lies, when a woman lies, it means something.
17:34Aye, all right.
17:35You know what it means.
17:37It means that I'm bored.
17:40I'm fed up with you, Rab.
17:42I want to have some excitement in my life before I...
17:46Before you what? Before you what?
17:47Getting too old.
17:49Oh.
17:50And does excitement mean going and sitting watching Cheek Tacky's skin shows for your gratification?
17:56I love it, Cheek.
17:57This G-string set me back £6.99.
18:02You should be able to pick him up for a pound of whatever a woman wants.
18:06Times have changed, Rab.
18:08What women want now are the bollocks still in them.
18:12Certainly you, Mary Nesbitt.
18:14What has got into you?
18:17Do you really want to know, Rab?
18:18Ah, forget it.
18:22I'm a way out to live a little.
18:25What do you want to know, Mary?
18:27Mary!
18:28It just goes to show you, you never really know a punter, do you?
18:39In fact, I'll tell you, see when you get right down to the bottom line, no bugger knows nothing about anybody.
18:49We're all just faggings, faggings, in the lavatory pan of life, trying to know to get flushed away.
18:57I can be a lyrical big swine when I want to be, you know.
19:02Dear Mrs. Nesbitt,
19:30It has come to light that your cervical smear test of two years ago was wrongly analysed.
19:37As a matter of extreme urgency, would you please contact your GP straight away?
19:46Nice that you come to me first, eh?
19:50Helplines have been flooded following the revelation that nearly 20,000 west of Scotland women
19:55have had their cervical smear tests wrongly examined.
19:58As a result, some 2,000 women look likely to be recalled.
20:03A hospital spokesperson said it's important to stress that being called back does not mean you have cancer.
20:10Now, football and Rangers today signed...
20:13Bad luck for the one in town, though, eh?
20:15I don't trust you to look in the black side.
20:17Don't get me wrang, all I'm saying is if it was me that took a cervical smear test, there'd be an outcry, isn't it?
20:23Oh, aye, aye, aye.
20:24Gonna wrap it, Norrie.
20:25Aye.
20:26We're as politically correct as the next man.
20:29Well, unless, of course, the next man's you, that is.
20:33Hey, hey.
20:34There is nobody cares more about women than I do.
20:38I've poked hundreds of them.
20:40I've poked hundreds of them.
21:10It's glasses, it's glasses, isn't it?
21:12It helps me see better.
21:14Of course, it depends on what you're looking at, whether it is a bonus or not, eh?
21:20I'm not going to see any doctor, Rob.
21:22You can say what you like, I'm not going to budge.
21:25I'd rather die in peace than have them used me as a guinea pig.
21:29You will go to the doctor, lady, supposing I have to drag you there myself.
21:32No, you will not, Rob, mister.
21:36You might be my husband, but you don't own me.
21:39This is my bloody life, and I'll live it the way I want to, OK?
21:45OK, Mary.
21:47Merry bloody Christmas.
21:49Well, you's guys can say what you want, but I don't think I'd fancy being a woman.
21:54You look kind of quiet today, do I they?
21:57Nay.
21:58No, I wouldn't fancy being a woman.
22:01Thank God for that.
22:03Tried it before, I didn't like it.
22:04Just for a few months, like.
22:10Tights.
22:12Toner.
22:14Slingbacks.
22:16Moisturiser.
22:19Frocks in soft summer fabrics.
22:22I really looked the part.
22:24Except I kept forgetting to take the fag in from behind my ear.
22:29In the end, I gave it up.
22:31Good.
22:33Good.
22:35Aye.
22:35The periods were doing me in.
22:39Good.
22:41Anyway, I trust that wee aberration low-stoke you coming up to the house tonight, don't you?
22:45Because Ella's taking her mother home, you know, so it's naked ninjas.
22:49I'll be there, Jamesy.
22:51Here I am.
22:52You coming up to our private screen in the night?
22:55No, I'm fed up with all that.
22:57I'm hanging up my cock.
22:59It's the director's cock.
23:01Directors have cock me, I like.
23:03Hey, Raph, you're looking a bit different.
23:05What is that?
23:06He's vertical.
23:08Here, then.
23:08Just skip the part.
23:09Just hook up the trolley and make it quick.
23:11Come on.
23:12Yeah, I hope you're not turning into one of these right-owned merchants.
23:15She'll be growing one of these phony tales soon.
23:17Yeah.
23:18Just shut it, will you?
23:19Would you just shut it?
23:20I am just not in the mood for satire, right?
23:23Do you want to show her thanks, I get?
23:26For taking your wife in last night after you're barney?
23:30Just leave it, right?
23:31Just leave it.
23:33Just cause you can't talk to a woman.
23:35Just cause you can't even counsel your own bint when she starts blobbing on a dodgy smear test.
23:41I said leave it, right?
23:41Just leave it, leave it.
23:42You and Mary worried about a smear test, Raph.
23:45Still, look on the bright side.
23:47It was on the news.
23:48Only one woman in every ten will be affected.
23:50Well, she better get her worried, Bidduke,
23:52because she's surest fake, she'll be the one in ten.
23:54But don't you worry about it.
23:56My wife, my wife will know blub.
23:58Because my wife is a special woman.
24:00She will come through whatever she has got to come through.
24:03She'll come through it with courage.
24:04She will come through it with dignity.
24:06You hear?
24:06I am.
24:08I am.
24:10I am.
24:10I am.
24:12I am gasping, Raph.
24:14Any chance of a smiley, I need a drink.
24:18The only thing you need, lady, is my boot up, you bloody shark.
24:23Get your ass out of here, son of here.
24:25Freedom is it.
24:26Freedom.
24:27I'll give you freedom.
24:28Get your ass out of here.
24:31You see?
24:32You might blame cause for watching educational skin flicks.
24:36But maybe when you're older, you'll get to know me about the reality of marriage.
24:40I mean, take Ella, she was never any peach.
24:42I'll grant you that.
24:43But look at her now.
24:44I'm not too dodgy her hanging away.
24:46Why?
24:46Thropping me bits, swinging at her knees.
24:48Her ass is leaving two furrows behind her when she walks.
24:50I mean, boys, be honest to you.
24:52Goodness, it's lovely to see you down there.
24:55Can I get you anything, Pete?
24:58No thanks, Jamesy.
25:00Norrie, get something for a sore heed?
25:03Aye.
25:03Good.
25:05Get to him.
25:10That's what it was.
25:12He was wearing glasses.
25:16Move when you're told.
25:18Where have we gone now?
25:19I thought we were going home.
25:21We were going home when I'm good and ready to home.
25:22Not bloody well before.
25:24Come on.
25:24Come on, mind you.
25:25Come on, yeah.
25:26Just take a seat, please.
25:28Move.
25:29Come on.
25:30Stay on there.
25:30Hey doll, the wife was a dodgy chaiver.
25:34She needs to see the door.
25:35She's just a weird conviction, no.
25:37She had an appointment.
25:38No.
25:39Then I'm afraid you'll have to wait.
25:41Wait, my ass.
25:42She's been waiting for two years for you buggers to get your act together.
25:45She's no waiting any longer.
25:46Come on.
25:46Go on.
25:46Move, go on.
25:47Go on.
25:47We can't go in there.
25:49The doctor's conducting a rectal examination.
25:52Very good, Mr. Marks.
25:54There's still a moment.
25:58Are you still there?
25:59What the hell do you think you're doing, man?
26:02When you're finished poking about in there, I have another one for you here.
26:06There's paperwork and everything.
26:08I'll, uh, I'll put it in there for safe people, you know.
26:14You know, it hurts you, man.
26:15You'd be a work out of there, haven't you?
26:18You worry, you've got a wonky spire, eh?
26:22I'll, uh, I'll just wait outside for you, man, you know.
26:26You're a hard big bassard life, ain't it, eh?
26:41Especially if you live in Govan, you know, where you can get mugged at any time by a show of fish suppers booting you up the aortic valve.
26:49Mind you, it does tend to give life that added frisson, I will admit.
26:53Nah, I wouldn't want to be young again.
26:58Come to think of it, I wouldn't want to be older either.
27:03In fact, see when you get right down to the bottom line, a present is a pile of shit and all.
27:09But at least that, at least that added frisson keeps the shite fresh, you know.
27:13Rap!
27:14Mary doll, how did you get on?
27:16The doctor phoned the hospital to get the results of my tests. Great news.
27:20Seemingly there's been a cock up about the cock up.
27:23Eh?
27:24Rap, I'm clear. The doctor says there's no reason why I shouldn't live a full and normal life.
27:30Oh, how do you feel about that?
27:32How do I feel about it? How do you think I feel about it? No bad.
27:38Oh, no.
27:40Oh, Mary. No.
27:43What is it?
27:45What is it?
27:46Look at who? You've blown my space.
27:49Oh, no.
27:51Oh, it doesn't matter.
27:53I can, I can, I can see all I want to see, eh?
28:05Like I say, it's the unexpected.
28:08That ghost life is...
28:10...unfifical.
28:12There you go.
28:13There she is.
28:14But apparently there's a problem.
28:15OK, there's a thing to find.
28:16I can see there's a way to do it.
28:18I found that...
28:19I think there's no way to do it.
28:21I can see it.
28:22I know who the hell is.
28:23I can see it on the spot.
28:24There's nothing.
28:25There's nothing to see.
28:26I know who I was.
28:27I know who I was.
28:29I can see it.
28:30It's a great thing.
28:31I can see.
28:32It's a great thing.
28:33I can see it.
28:34I can see it.
Recommended
29:01
|
Up next
28:59
53:40
1:43:20
28:34
28:28
27:37
28:23
28:19
28:07
28:05
28:10
23:15
22:56
24:03
23:36
23:55
24:04
29:30
28:13
28:56
28:58
29:04
28:59
21:20