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00:00Kate this lasagna looks really great very well worth the interminable wait I asked you twice
00:12to stop doing that what we're just having a pre-dinner chat you know what I mean rhyming
00:22everything I say no problem Willie have it your way Kate Kate he's doing it again what he's rhyming
00:34the last word of everything I say go ahead Alf he's been doing it all day now he's got me doing it
00:52what a creep I never want to see him again I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight we
01:01should go see if she's all right oh sure when Kate makes a rhyme it's no big deal just for that I'm
01:10eating your meal
01:22yeah
01:34yeah
01:36yeah
01:39yeah
01:46yeah
01:50Okay, Dad, your turn.
02:17Okay.
02:20Science or sports?
02:24He'll take science.
02:27Do you mind?
02:28I can pick my own category.
02:30Who won the Super Bowl last year?
02:35I'll take science.
02:39What is the primary element of the planet Jupiter?
02:41Oh, it's easy.
02:42Hydrogen.
02:43Eh!
02:44You're wrong.
02:45It's buttermilk.
02:48Charlie's right.
02:50It's hydrogen.
02:52Then why do they call it the Dairy Planet?
02:54Who calls it the Dairy Planet?
02:57Jupiter-tonians.
02:59It's on their license plates.
03:01Mom, it's your turn.
03:05Okay.
03:07Entertainment.
03:08Okay.
03:09What singing phenomenon?
03:11Eh!
03:12Florence Henderson.
03:13Alf, it's not your turn.
03:16The answer is not Florence Henderson.
03:18It's Shirley Jones.
03:20Oh, like there's really a difference.
03:23Mail's here.
03:28Not that it matters.
03:30Oh, come and join us, honey.
03:33Take Alf's place.
03:37I don't really feel like it.
03:39I'll be in my room.
03:40Not that it matters.
03:42Gee, what a downer.
03:45It's only been a week since she broke up with Laloid.
03:49I never understood why he pronounced both the L's.
03:53Because he was a Lalox.
03:57You know, it takes a little time to get over a breakup.
04:00I'm gonna go check on her.
04:01We'll see you a little later.
04:04Alf, there's a book here for you.
04:07You ordered a book?
04:08Don't worry, Wilco.
04:10It was free for joining the Book of the Month Club.
04:14You joined the Book of the Month Club?
04:16Well, technically, you did.
04:19Fortunately, they didn't run a credit check.
04:22Shelley Winter's Guide to True Love.
04:25We're sending it back.
04:27It's not for me.
04:28It's to help Lynn.
04:30Oh, this will be a great help.
04:33Chapter one.
04:34Love is like a pizza.
04:37Brilliant!
04:39Love is like a pizza.
04:42Sometimes it's cold and flat.
04:44Sometimes it's hot and gooey.
04:47The secret is to take it a slice at a time
04:50and hold the anchovies.
04:53Alf, I don't want to talk about love or pizza.
04:57Boy, according to Shelley,
04:58you're wallowing in the muck of self-pity.
05:01She says you'll feel better if you confide in a close friend.
05:05So come on, confide.
05:08All right.
05:11Laloid wants to go out with other girls.
05:14There's that name again.
05:16Do you want me to confide or not?
05:19Sorry.
05:21Laloid.
05:24We were so perfect for each other.
05:26We were going to get married at the planetarium.
05:28He was even going to name a comet after me.
05:31What was he going to name it?
05:32La Lynn?
05:36Last time, I promise.
05:40She wants to be alone!
05:41I just dropped in to say goodnight, see if you need anything.
05:47No thanks, Mom.
05:48Frozen yogurt for me, thanks.
05:51Alf, I was asking Lynn.
05:52From that place at the mall, if you're going that way.
05:55Drive carefully.
06:02I'll never love anyone again.
06:05Oh, sure.
06:06Let's get back to your problem.
06:09Alf, you're the one who wanted me to talk about it.
06:12All right.
06:14Aren't there any other fellas you'd like to date?
06:17Well, there's this one guy.
06:21But that doesn't mean he'd want to go out with me.
06:24Well, who is it?
06:24His name is Danny Duckworth.
06:27He's on the baseball team.
06:29Let's see.
06:33Uh, here's his picture.
06:37The dork holding the water bucket?
06:39No, no, no.
06:40That's his cousin Donnie.
06:41See, Danny's the one swinging the three bats.
06:44So call him up.
06:46I can't do that.
06:47He'd know I like him.
06:49You don't want the boy you like to know you like him.
06:53Right.
06:54Makes sense.
06:56You don't understand.
06:57Oh, I understand.
06:58Nobody on this planet ever says what they mean.
07:02We say what we mean.
07:03As long as the other person says it first.
07:05Shelly, Shelly, Shelly, it's up to you, babe.
07:12Come on.
07:14Don't let me down.
07:15Ah, chapter two.
07:18Take action.
07:19Ask a friend to fix you up.
07:21Well, there you have it.
07:28Yo, operator.
07:30Do you have a listing for a duckworth?
07:32Why would he even try making banana coffee?
07:42I don't think you even want to know.
07:47Hey, Willie, when's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?
07:54Oh, my, my razor is like.
07:56Why were you shaving?
08:02According to Shelly, women like clean-shaven men.
08:07Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.
08:11Donny, what's wrong?
08:16Al?
08:18How could you do this to me?
08:21I couldn't find my own roll-on.
08:25What's wrong?
08:25I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Duckworth, the geekiest guy in school,
08:31thanks to my brother, Alf.
08:34Your brother?
08:35That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.
08:38You wanted me to.
08:39I did not want you to.
08:40Well, you said you liked the guy.
08:43I said I liked Danny Duckworth.
08:45You called Donny his cousin.
08:48Danny, Donny, Florence, Shirley.
08:50I'm getting a headache.
08:52I think I'll go lie down.
08:55Hold it right there, bro.
08:56I think you have one more phone call to make to get this thing straightened out.
09:00It's too late, Mom.
09:02Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.
09:06That was my idea.
09:08I hope you like Paisley.
09:10I hope you like Paisley.
09:16Now, the secret to bowling, or talicoids, as it's known in the civilized universe,
09:22is in the wrist action.
09:25And in the ripeness of the melon.
09:31We don't bowl with cantaloupes.
09:34Then what do you bowl with?
09:36Heavy plastic balls.
09:38You're kidding.
09:41Well, at least it's something edible.
09:44Oh, great.
09:46Donny's here.
09:46Now, remember, according to Shelly, dating is the best therapy for a failed romance.
09:53That and chocolate.
09:57Chocolate?
09:57Yeah.
09:58Yeah.
09:58When Shelly was dumped by husband number two, she, and I quote,
10:03submerged myself in a sea of chocolate, resurfacing only to begin filming The Poseidon Adventure.
10:10Hi.
10:16Hi.
10:17You must be Donny Duckworth.
10:19Come on in.
10:19Thanks.
10:20But I'm Danny Duckworth.
10:21I'm Donny Duckworth's cousin.
10:23Whoa.
10:23It's nice to meet you.
10:25Where's Donny Duckworth, Danny?
10:29Well, he got so nervous about this date that he started puking his guts out.
10:33Oh, that's not good.
10:36He had a date with a cheerleader once, nearly coughed up a spleen.
10:40That's not good either.
10:42Uh, Lynn?
10:45Hi.
10:46I'm Mrs. Tanner.
10:47You must be Donny Duckworth.
10:49No, no.
10:49I'm Danny Duckworth.
10:50See, Donny couldn't come because he's...
10:51It involves organ displacement, dear.
10:54I'll fill you in later.
10:56You know, I hope it's okay with Lynn that I came instead.
10:59Oh, I'm sure she won't mind.
11:00Good.
11:03Danny Duckworth.
11:05Hiya, Lynn.
11:07Donny's sick, so I just came instead.
11:09I hope that's okay.
11:10Are you kidding?
11:12I mean, I guess so.
11:15He gave us these bowling shirts, but I don't really like bowling,
11:18so I thought maybe we'd go to a drive-in.
11:20Is that okay, too?
11:21That's fantastic.
11:23I mean, that's fine.
11:27The only snag is, uh, I don't have a car.
11:30What happened to your van?
11:31Oh, that's where Donny vomited.
11:34That's not good.
11:35Walk like an Egyptian.
11:52Bye.
11:52Bye.
11:53Thanks for letting us use the car.
11:56I'd like an Egyptian.
11:59Well, this is it.
12:01Uh, can I drive?
12:03I think I'd better drive.
12:04Oh, okay.
12:05But when we get there, can we just change places in case we see anybody we know?
12:09Sir.
12:10Thanks.
12:12Oh, great.
12:13We're going bowling, and I don't even have a cantaloupe.
12:15You know, I'm sorry about this movie.
12:29It was supposed to be moonstruck, you know.
12:31Oh, that's okay.
12:33I've been dying to see Death Wish 11.
12:35Do you want some popcorn, or?
12:41Oh, not right now.
12:43Thanks.
12:45Nachos.
12:46How about some nachos?
12:48No thanks.
12:49What?
13:03What?
13:04It's just a flesh wound.
13:05I thought that you wanted to be a doctor.
13:07I do, but right now I want some popcorn.
13:09Would you mind?
13:10I just, I suddenly got this uncontrollable urge for popcorn.
13:13No, sure, sure.
13:14Do you want the $8 size, or the $12?
13:21You decide.
13:22Okay.
13:29Hi.
13:30What are you doing in this car?
13:33Missing designing women, and for what?
13:36What if Danny sees you?
13:39Hey, I'm trapped here, so let's just make the best of it, okay?
13:43You are going to ruin everything.
13:46What's to ruin?
13:47We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.
13:51This is a drive-in.
13:52It's just like a regular movie, except you stay in your car.
13:57Well, at least I can order food.
13:59Yo, Jack!
14:00I'll have a burger and some fries!
14:03That speaker is for the movie.
14:05Oh.
14:06Hey, can you roll Animal House for the blue station wagon?
14:10Get down!
14:11Danny's going to be back any minute.
14:13Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter nine.
14:17Laying the trap.
14:19I don't need your help, or Shelly's.
14:23Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight if it weren't for our help?
14:29What?
14:30Do the words, go fish, Brian, ring a bell?
14:32Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?
14:41Alf!
14:43I already looked for Alf.
14:44I can't find him anywhere.
14:46Well, did you check under our bed?
14:48Yep.
14:49In the garage?
14:50Yep.
14:51In the car?
14:52What car?
14:53Our car.
14:54Our car is gone.
14:55Roy, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.
14:59Oh, sure.
15:01She'll take Alf to the drive-in, but not me.
15:03Kate, you answer the door.
15:07I'll go to the drive-in and get Alf.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:10I can't go to the drive-in.
15:11Lynn's got the car.
15:13You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue,
15:16but I still think we need a second car.
15:19Hi, Kate.
15:20Oh, Trevor.
15:20Trevor, could we borrow your car?
15:24Whatever happened to...
15:24Hi, neighbor.
15:25How are you?
15:26How was the hunting trip?
15:26Here's your mail.
15:27Oh, I'm sorry.
15:29Hi, neighbor.
15:30How are you?
15:32How was your hunting trip?
15:33Well, we left last Saturday, and the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the
15:38driveway and got a flat tire.
15:40Took Raquel a half hour to fix it.
15:43Then everything was fine until we'd get up around Big Pine.
15:47We got onto Highway 190, and about 15 miles down the road, we ran smack into a detour,
15:54right down a gravel road.
15:56Your mail.
15:57Oh, thanks.
15:59Now, can we borrow your car?
16:01Don't you want to hear about the gravel road?
16:04Not really.
16:05I mean, uh, I'd love to, Trevor, but I gotta run.
16:09I'm sure Kate would.
16:11So anyway, we finally got back onto 190 and got to this town, Falstaff.
16:17Not even a souvenir shop.
16:19No Stucky's, no nothing.
16:21We ended up eating at this place called Food Here.
16:24Not bad, but they didn't have any sweet and low.
16:30So, uh, you and LaLarry broke up, huh?
16:33You mean LaLoyd?
16:36Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:39That's right.
16:39Oh, did I do that?
16:52I don't think that you could have.
16:53I must have.
16:54I am always dropping things.
16:56Well, it's okay.
16:56I'll just clean it up.
16:57No!
16:58I mean, leave it.
16:59My father likes to clean out the car.
17:01He got a dust buster for Father's Day.
17:03Okay.
17:15Are you all right?
17:20I'll let you know in a minute.
17:27I'm okay.
17:31Actually, I could use a soft drink.
17:33Oh, what kind?
17:34Root beer's fine.
17:36Do you want the $7.50 size or the $10?
17:38You decide.
17:45You know I hate root beer.
17:47Why are you ruining this date for me?
17:49You call this a date?
17:51This isn't a date.
17:52This is an oil painting.
17:54I don't even know why you bothered to go.
17:56Because some nosy alien got me a date over the phone.
18:00Nosey?
18:01Is that a snide snout remark?
18:06Just forget it.
18:07This whole thing never happened.
18:09Well, then let's ditch this danny dude and hit the road.
18:13No.
18:13Why?
18:14Well, because it would be rude and...
18:17and because he'd have to walk home.
18:20And because...
18:22Because you like him.
18:25Well, yeah, I like him.
18:29Ever since 10th grade.
18:33But I'm not gonna tell him.
18:34Why not?
18:36Because I made that mistake with Lalloyd and look what happened.
18:39So what?
18:41You think that's the only time you're gonna get dumped?
18:43Shelly says there's a broken light for every heart on Broadway.
18:48I am so tired of Shelly telling me what to do.
18:51Flynn, this doesn't just come from Shelly.
18:55It comes from the old Alpher.
18:57Hey, you think I haven't had a few experiences with the opposite sexes?
19:03Have you ever had your heart broken?
19:06Many times.
19:08I was engaged to one woman for 58 years.
19:13What was her name?
19:14Ruby.
19:17So what happened to her?
19:19She took her love to town.
19:24Even though I said, don't.
19:28I'm sorry.
19:29The very next day, I met Rhonda at a pet bake.
19:34And I thought, she's beautiful.
19:37Boy, I want her.
19:39But I was afraid I might get hurt again.
19:42So what'd you do?
19:44Well, I waited 17 years, then I asked her out.
19:47The day after that, my planet exploded.
19:5117 years.
19:54Wasted.
19:56I understand, Elf.
20:00Thanks.
20:00Oh, get down.
20:01Danny's coming.
20:02Yeah, yeah.
20:08I couldn't decide, so I got you both.
20:09Thanks.
20:14Danny, there's something I want to tell you.
20:17What?
20:17You didn't want ice?
20:18No, um, ever since 10th grade.
20:25Oh, yeah.
20:26Old Lady Cassidy's class.
20:29Boy, I had such a crush on you.
20:32You had a crush on me?
20:34Yeah.
20:36Well, how come you never told me?
20:39Oh, I didn't want you to know that I liked you.
20:42You know, that's the trouble with earthlings.
20:45I mean, people.
20:48They never say what they mean.
20:50If this planet were to explode tomorrow, just think of all the time we would have wasted.
20:56Huh?
20:56Oh, my mind.
21:00I'm just happy you like me.
21:02I like you a lot.
21:04In fact, I paid Donnie to say that he was sick so that I could go out with you.
21:09Really?
21:10Yeah, really.
21:12That's so cute.
21:13Wait a minute, you bought me.
21:2020 bucks and the use of my van for the night.
21:22Plus, I had to reimburse them for the bowling shirts.
21:25But boy, you're worth it.
21:26Excuse me.
21:32Lynn, it's your dad.
21:38What a nice surprise.
21:48Uh, Lynn, uh, this is going to sound strange.
21:53But, uh, your mother couldn't go to sleep tonight because she didn't have that old orange blanket.
22:04You know, that old furry blanket that's always getting lost.
22:10Yeah, you know, I think it's right back there.
22:16It sure is.
22:18I'm just going to, uh, grab it.
22:22And then I'm going to be on my way.
22:24Okay.
22:24You guys just go.
22:25Why don't you guys just go back and watch the movie?
22:28Okay.
22:29Danny, what's happening now?
22:30Uh, Bronson just snuffed another guy because they gave him his steak well done.
22:35Okay, I got it.
22:40Yes, I do.
22:42I sure have got it.
22:44Now, I'll be on my way.
22:47Night, Dad.
22:48Willi, can we stop at the concession stand?
22:51No, we can't.
22:52The prices are very reasonable.
23:05No, no, don't open that door.
23:12Oh, no.
23:13She opened the door.
23:14Yikeroni.
23:17What are you guys doing out here?
23:20This is our drive-in theater.
23:21Yeah, and you two snuck in.
23:23I'm calling the manager.
23:26What are you watching, anyway?
23:28Oh, The Return of the Son of the Creature from The Big Black Bug, starring Ronnie Shell.
23:35Would you mind if we join you?
23:37Okay, but don't hog the popcorn.
23:51And don't fog up the windows back there.
24:05Are you watching the movie?
24:07Yes, you're watching me.
24:10It's watching the movie, and I will be watching TV.
24:19Excited than a movie, and I will be watching TV.
24:24You're watching TV.
24:25No, they had a great movie.
24:26I wasn't watching TV.
24:27Oh, look.
24:27I was watching TV.
24:28I hope you enjoyed it.
24:29I hope you enjoyed it.
24:30throwing you on TV.
24:31I didn't recommend it.
24:32I've watched TV.
24:32I'd like TV.
24:33I'm watching TV.
24:33I like TV.
24:33I'm going to watch TV.