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00:00and I get two triple word scores quidnunc challenge you've never heard quidnunc it's
00:14probably melmachian so you can't use melmachian words alf it's here you're kidding quidnunc
00:23one who enjoys gossip really on melmach it means one who wears meat 248 points and it's my turn again
00:35quidnunc it's a relative who wears meat challenge rats
00:46brian your hamster flew the coop again he's sleeping in my left reebok i'll get him
00:53have fun everyone bye where are you going out out where and with who
01:03ow what kind of parents are you the kind who trusts our 18 year old daughter besides we know where she's
01:11going she's going to the movies right honey right what are you gonna see who framed roger rabbit
01:15unbearable lightness of being then you're gonna probably stop off for pizza huh sushi
01:22well say hello to julie for us eddie happy now alf who's eddie
01:30we met eddie well no of course not i mean this is only our second date if you could even call it a
01:39date which i wouldn't is there some reason we shouldn't meet this bozo
01:42he is not a bozo send in the clone listen i'll introduce eddie another time
01:52or you could bring him in right now or i could bring him in right now
01:58mom dad this is eddie
02:08hello how are you
02:12you
02:20you
03:24Oh, nice to meet you, Eddie.
03:26Well, it's nice to meet you, too.
03:28This is some great house.
03:30Good bones.
03:34Bones?
03:35Eddie was a graduate student in architecture.
03:39Oh, what year was that?
03:42Let's see.
03:43That was just before I started teaching.
03:45Eddie taught history for a while.
03:48And lived a good deal of it, I believe.
03:52Where did you meet, um...
03:55Lynn.
03:56Lynn.
03:58I autographed a book for it at the mall.
04:01Oh, you're a writer.
04:03No, actually, I'm what they call a substitute novelist.
04:06What I do is this.
04:06I sign books for authors when they're too busy.
04:09Shall I show you?
04:10By all means.
04:18Good luck, Lee Iacocca.
04:23I believe there's another C in Iacocca.
04:27Yes, well, usually I have the name right in front of me.
04:33Speaking of names, Eddie, I didn't catch your last one.
04:36He doesn't have one.
04:38Really?
04:40Well, I used to have one, of course.
04:42It's a relief.
04:43I dropped it a while back.
04:45I couldn't see what purpose it served.
04:49Did you discuss this decision with your mailman?
04:54I love a guy with a sense of humor.
04:59Would anyone like a soda?
05:01Absolutely.
05:01Diet, caffeine-free.
05:02Thank you so much.
05:05Lynn, would you help me, please?
05:06Help you get one soda?
05:10Fine.
05:10Excuse me.
05:19Well, that's quite a girl you've got there.
05:22We always thought so.
05:25Ever since the day she was born.
05:28Barely 18 years ago.
05:34Let me get right to the point.
05:35He's too old for you.
05:37I knew you'd overreact.
05:39I am not...
05:40I'm not overreacting.
05:44Let me take a look at this dude.
05:50Yikes!
05:51He's almost as old as Kate.
05:54Thanks a lot, Alf.
05:59You may have a moment of privacy
06:01to tell Mr. Iacocca you won't be seeing him again.
06:03Unless it's for seniors' night at the Sizzler.
06:12Mom, can I borrow your black shoulder bag?
06:15Mm.
06:15It's in my closet.
06:16Thanks.
06:17Oh, sure.
06:18It's okay for her to borrow it.
06:22She seems to have gotten over that Eddie guy pretty quickly.
06:25You know how girls are at this age.
06:27Now she's really attached to this new boy, Randy.
06:30Not that he's not nice.
06:32He's a moron.
06:34He's not a moron.
06:36He's got no neck.
06:39The fact that he's muscular
06:40doesn't mean he's stupid.
06:43No.
06:43The fact that he's a cretin means he's stupid.
06:47Although he did manage to find the doorbell.
06:51Dad, will you let Randy in?
06:54Then hurry up
06:55before he forgets why he's here.
07:00Hi, Randy.
07:02Hey.
07:02Come on in.
07:03Lynn will be right out.
07:04Okay.
07:11I meant way in, Randy.
07:13Way, way over here.
07:14Over to the couch.
07:16Okay.
07:23So, how are things going with the football team?
07:28Okay.
07:28Uh, what position do you play again?
07:34Center.
07:36Well, that's where the action is.
07:38Right, right in the middle.
07:41Uh-huh.
07:48Would you like some peanuts?
07:53Hi, Randy.
07:54How are you?
07:56Okay.
07:58What were you guys talking about?
08:02Oh, the sky stuff.
08:05So, where are you kids going tonight?
08:09We're going to Kathy Berry's house.
08:11And, uh, we're late.
08:12So, shall we?
08:14What?
08:17Leave.
08:18Okay.
08:22Don't be too late, honey.
08:24I won't.
08:24Night.
08:25Night.
08:25Night.
08:28He's a moron.
08:33Peanuts!
08:35Would you like some?
08:37Okay.
08:41And now back to our creature feature, Aliens, starring Sigourney Weaver.
08:45No!
08:45Don't go back for that, stupid cat.
08:53This is no time for a snack.
08:59Thanks.
09:00I had fun watching you work.
09:02You must get writer's cramp.
09:04You know, I had no idea that Donald Trump's book was quite so popular.
09:07Well, good night.
09:11I really had a nice time.
09:16Until tomorrow.
09:23Good night.
09:23Alph, you scared me.
09:37What are you doing?
09:39What am I doing?
09:40What are you doing?
09:42What happened to Randy?
09:44That wasn't Randy.
09:45That was...
09:46Someone else.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist.
09:54Who shall remain last nameless.
09:59Okay, so it was Eddie.
10:02He just happened to be at the party, see?
10:04Yeah, yeah.
10:05And I just fell off the garbanzo truck.
10:08Come on.
10:09This is the old Alphur.
10:11What gives?
10:12Okay.
10:14Okay.
10:14Okay.
10:14I haven't really been dating Randy.
10:18I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night,
10:21and then going to meet Eddie.
10:23An hour a night?
10:25That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.
10:31Alph, please don't tell Mom and Dad about this yet, okay?
10:34I know they'll like Eddie.
10:35They just need some time to adjust.
10:39Don't tell them?
10:41You want me to lie?
10:42No.
10:43No, no, you don't have to lie.
10:45Just don't bring it up.
10:47That's not lying.
10:49Again?
10:51What a loophole.
10:53It's not like I'm never going to tell them.
10:55I just, I need to wait for the right moment.
10:59You know, like when they were in a really, really good mood?
11:01Yeah, well, let me know when that happens,
11:04and I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.
11:09You broke Mom's porcelain ballerina?
11:13Yeah.
11:13We were dancing the pas de deux from Swan Lake,
11:16and I dropped her in the toilet.
11:18It's 9.05 past somebody's bedtime.
11:34Oh, no fair.
11:36I wanted to watch Curse of the Moon, people.
11:40I was talking to Brian.
11:42I knew that.
11:44Hit the hay, Brian.
11:45Night B.
11:47I'll come tuck in in a few minutes, honey.
11:49Mom, I'm old enough to tuck myself in.
11:53Oh.
11:55Well, I understand.
11:57But you can still read me a story.
11:58Gee, they grow up so fast,
12:08pretty soon he's not going to need us for anything.
12:12I'll always need you guys.
12:16We know.
12:20I'll hide in the kitchen.
12:22I'll hide in the kitchen.
12:24Oh.
12:28Oh, hello, Randy.
12:30Hey.
12:32Where's Lynn?
12:34Huh?
12:36Our daughter, Lynn.
12:39Isn't she with you?
12:44No.
12:47She said she was going over to your house.
12:51Oh.
12:52Okay.
12:56What's going on?
12:59I don't know.
13:00You think that could have been a mix-up between them?
13:03Well, honey, if it was just a mix-up,
13:04she'd be home by now or call at least.
13:07Well, what do you think?
13:08You think I should go look for her?
13:10Well, honey, where would you look?
13:11Who knows where she could have gone?
13:14Yeah, you know, it's not like Lynn
13:16to change her plans and not call us.
13:19Wait a minute.
13:20You're getting carried away.
13:22Lynn's just fine.
13:24How do you know?
13:25Well, well, she's, uh, um, well, I don't, I don't know for sure.
13:31Alf?
13:33I don't suppose you could just trust me on this one.
13:38I didn't think so.
13:40Come on, Alf.
13:41Where is she?
13:43I can't tell you.
13:45I said I wouldn't tell you.
13:46Tell us what?
13:48That Lynn's seeing Eddie.
13:53Eddie?
13:56You tricked me.
13:58She's been lying to us.
14:01Not exactly.
14:02It's a loophole.
14:04I can't believe that Lynn would do something like this.
14:08Well, look at the bright side.
14:09At least she's dating a guy with a neck.
14:13Hi, everyone.
14:15You're grounded, lady.
14:16What for?
14:19Eddie.
14:25You know, it was the funniest thing.
14:27Please.
14:32Thank you for ratting on me.
14:36Thank you for ruining my entire life.
14:41Thank you very, very much.
14:48Oh!
14:54There goes a polite young lady.
14:57Miss Lynn Tanner.
15:12Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.
15:15Go away.
15:17I've just got to get a message to you.
15:20I don't want any messages from you.
15:23It's not from me.
15:24I'm just the bellhop.
15:31It's from a friend of yours.
15:34It's not what you think.
15:36I'm really not a fink.
15:38You're the last person I'd hurt.
15:41I didn't mean to blurt.
15:43It out.
15:44I've got a message from my so-called friend.
15:50Friends don't rat on friends.
15:55Guess this means no tip.
15:57Close enough.
16:09I'm under your window with my guitar
16:13Singing you this small ditty
16:16Please don't be mad at me anymore
16:20Have I mentioned I think you're pretty
16:23I-I-I-I-I
16:27I'm really sorry
16:30Somebody just threw a blanket on me
16:35That's why I'm suffocating
16:38I take it there's been no detente?
16:46No detente
16:48No glasnost
16:49No perestroika
16:50No nothing
16:51Stop torturing yourself, Alf
16:54She'll come around
16:55What did I do that was so wrong?
16:59You didn't do anything wrong
17:00Which is something I never thought I would say
17:03But it was Lynn
17:06Who lied
17:07You know, Willie
17:08Lynn's little subterfuge
17:09Wasn't all that terrible
17:11I was dating Willie for six months
17:13Before I told my parents about it
17:15How come?
17:17Oh, Willie didn't have any money
17:18And he didn't have a job
17:19And he was already dating my sister
17:22I'll get it
17:26He dated your sister?
17:29Hello?
17:30The hideous one?
17:35I'm afraid there's been a little misunderstanding
17:38Would you please cancel that order?
17:41Thank you so much
17:43Goodbye
17:44Bill Breeze's jewelry store
17:54You really dated Kate's sister?
17:58Apparently somebody placed an order in our name
18:00The hideous one?
18:02Must have been a little mix-up
18:04Funny how two children from the same parents
18:07A $15,000 diamond bracelet
18:10I ordered it for Lynn
18:14Nothing else was working
18:16All right
18:18That settles it
18:20Lynn
18:21We're gonna straighten this thing out
18:24Once and for all
18:25All right
18:27But I want to get back to this sister thing
18:29Yes, Father?
18:34Hello, Mother
18:35Lynn
18:36I want you to speak to Alf
18:41Civilly, please
18:44Alf who?
18:46Speak to him
18:47Or have your telephone privileges taken away
18:50You want me to speak to him?
18:52Fine, I'll speak to him
18:54Have you told Mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
19:02My ballerina?
19:03You
19:06You squealer
19:09My porcelain ballerina?
19:12That was supposed to be a secret
19:14My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
19:18Well, you told my secret first
19:20But that just slipped out
19:22My original, one-of-a-kind, impossible-to-duplicate porcelain ballerina?
19:29Do you know how silly the word ballerina sounds when you say it over and over?
19:34Ballerina
19:34Ballerina
19:35Ballerina
19:36All right, everyone
19:37Stop, cease, desist
19:39I want you to apologize to each other
19:42I want you to put all of this behind us
19:46Fine, Lynn, go to your room
19:50You go to the garage
19:51Fine
19:52Kate
19:56I'm sorry I broke your wedding present
19:59I was going to tell you
20:01Really?
20:02When?
20:03I was waiting to see if the marriage would last
20:06Don't just barge in here
20:17Knock when you come into my room
20:18I was leaving because of you
20:20What are you talking about?
20:24He can't leave
20:25He's fixing his spaceship right now
20:28Don't be such a baby
20:30He's always saying he can't fix that ship
20:32You're the baby
20:34You won't even talk to him
20:35Why don't you grow up?
20:38Brian, wait
20:40Don't cry
20:42What are you doing?
21:00Nothing much
21:02Just some delicate precision spot welding
21:05What's that smell?
21:11Fur, fur
21:12Brian says you're leaving
21:16Yep
21:18Just as soon as I calibrate the gyroscopic guidance system
21:22Done
21:27Well, just because we're not getting along
21:32Doesn't mean you have to leave
21:33Is that so?
21:36Of course not
21:37I mean, everybody else wants you to stay
21:41What about you?
21:44I don't mind if you stay
21:46Well, I can't stay with you mad at me
21:50So I'm going
21:51But Alf
21:53And don't worry about me
21:54You'll forget about me soon enough
21:56Oh, Alf
21:57Please don't say that
21:58I don't want you to go
22:01Do you mean it?
22:03Of course I mean it
22:05I'm sorry I told Mom about the ballerina
22:08But I was just so mad at you
22:10Will you forgive me?
22:13You were mad
22:14And I was irresponsible
22:15I'd say we're even
22:17No
22:18I was the irresponsible one
22:20All right
22:21So you owe me
22:22Are we friends again?
22:25Yeah
22:26I guess I could stop working on this
22:29Oh, you couldn't fix that thing anyway, could you?
22:32Maybe
22:32That's a lie, isn't it?
22:36It's a loophole
22:37This glue is empty
22:53I vaguely recall using it as a yogurt topping
22:58How's the ballerina coming?
23:02Needs glue
23:03Oh, Alf
23:05Did you order this?
23:09Breakfast at Tiffany's
23:11Sounds like something I'd order
23:13Oh, look
23:15It's inscribed
23:16Dear Willie
23:17And Kate
23:18Sorry if I caused you any trouble
23:21I wouldn't have dated your daughter
23:23If I'd known you didn't approve
23:25Please accept this as a token of my friendship
23:27Signed
23:28Truman Capote
23:29Thank you
23:31Thank you
23:34Thanks
23:35Thank you
23:44Thank you
23:57Ha ha ha ha!