- 15/05/2025
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00:00From Hollywood, it's The Tonight Show, starring Johnny Carson.
00:14Johnny's guest host tonight is Alf.
00:16Join Alf and his guests, His Holiness, Pope John Paul II,
00:20Dr. Joyce Brothers, and Joan Embry of the San Diego Zoo.
00:24This is Ed McMahon, along with Tommy Newsom and the NBC Orchestra.
00:27And now, here's Alfie!
00:32Thank you!
00:57For those of you who don't know me, I'm Alf.
01:03The answer to the burning question,
01:05who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon?
01:12You know, it's great to be here in Burbank.
01:15It's just like being back on my home planet, Melmac.
01:18After it blew up.
01:23Yo, Ed! Nice to see you.
01:26Well, welcome to The Tonight Show, Alf.
01:28Ed was missing last week,
01:30so the cops put his picture on a six-pack of Budweiser.
01:34Ah! Ah! Ah!
01:37Also with us tonight is Mr. Tommy Newsom.
01:41Hi, Alf.
01:42After the show tonight,
01:44Tommy and I are gonna go out and paint the town beige.
01:49I got the brush right here.
01:52Good one, Tom!
01:54You hang on to that.
01:56Tommy's not dull.
01:57He was just weaned on Novocaine.
02:01Well, I'm glad all of you can get in,
02:03because it sure was hot out there today.
02:05How hot was it?
02:07What am I, a thermometer?
02:10Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight.
02:14We've got Joan Embry,
02:16Joyce Brothers,
02:17and a pope.
02:18So, stay tuned.
03:50Alf?
03:52You interrupted my drum solo.
03:55Oh, we're back.
03:57Hi.
03:58I guess it must be time for our spontaneous unrehearsed banter.
04:03You start.
04:05Well, gee, I don't know where to start.
04:08All right, all right, I'll start.
04:10Great to be here, Ed.
04:12You know, I haven't seen you since I opened my mail this morning.
04:17Oh, you got one of my sweepstakes announcements, did you?
04:19Yeah.
04:20How many jobs do you have, anyway?
04:22Well, well, a lot.
04:24Oh, well, you know, I really enjoy you on that show where they have all those mistakes and foul-ups.
04:30Oh, you mean bloopers and practical jokes?
04:33No, Star Search.
04:37Well, your show is certainly a hit, Alf.
04:40What show's that, Ed?
04:42Well, Alf, right here on NBC, 8 o'clock on Monday nights.
04:46Oh, that show.
04:49Thanks.
04:50I understand you brought some clips.
04:52Would you like to set them up?
04:53I'd love to.
04:55See, in my show, I play an alien life form.
04:58It's a real stretch for me.
05:01Watch the monitors.
05:02Alf, why did you do that?
05:20Well, I could have licked your hand, but I didn't think either of us would enjoy that.
05:26What a strange family.
05:29Oh!
05:32Now, what do you want?
05:36Nothing.
05:38I was just doing the Heimlich maneuver on myself.
05:44By the way, don't bother looking for your laxative on a rope.
05:51You mean my soap on a rope?
05:54Trust me on this one.
05:55Great.
06:02That's Alf.
06:03Monday nights at 8 o'clock.
06:05Good clips, huh?
06:06Oh, they look pretty funny.
06:08Pretty funny?
06:09If I were Johnny, you'd be doing that ho, ho, ho thing.
06:13Oh, I'm sorry, Alf.
06:14Ho, ho, ho.
06:16Don't patronize me.
06:18Well, now, I guess we know all about your rise to stardom.
06:22Every possible thing we could want to know about Alf, you have now told us.
06:26You are wrong, compensated spokesman-breath.
06:29You mean there's more?
06:32Yes.
06:33In my quest for stardom, I was screen-tested for roles too numerous to mention.
06:38Okay, I'll mention them.
06:41For example, I did not get the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi in the movie Star Wars.
06:49I did not get the lead in the FDR story.
06:54But I did get called back twice for the role of Eleanor.
06:59And I lost out to McGruff the Crime Dog for the lead in Sam Spade Getspade.
07:05Those screen tests look suspiciously like episodes of your show, Alf.
07:12My cup looks suspiciously empty, Ed.
07:16Okay, I'll get your refill.
07:19And while you're gone, I'll show some clips of just how versatile a performer I am.
07:25You folks watch the monitors.
07:27What about the Pope?
07:28He can watch too.
07:30All the tape.
07:34Let's go.
07:35Stop in the name of love
07:38Before you break my heart
07:42Stop in the name of love
07:46Before you break my heart
07:50Make it all over the world
07:52Oh, hi.
07:57Oh, a housewarming gift.
07:58How nice.
08:00Call number 464.
08:0214 minutes to Bristol, Connecticut
08:06Call number...
08:09Hit the music, will you?
08:26I'm going to watch Dance Fever.
08:34Yeah!
08:35Go Feverettes!
08:39Alf, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
08:45We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres.
08:50Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
08:59I'm sorry it took so long.
09:03Alf?
09:05Alf?
09:06Alf?
09:07I am not Alf.
09:10I am Melmac the Magnificent.
09:12Oh, no.
09:15That's Johnny's turban.
09:16Nobody wears Johnny's turban.
09:19Look again, banana number two.
09:22I hold in my hands these envelopes.
09:25And without ever having seen the questions,
09:28I, in my mystical and borderline tasteful way,
09:32will divine the answers.
09:35Where are the answers?
09:37Well, they're in the desk, but Johnny's supposed to do those tomorrow night.
09:41So, who's stopping him?
09:48Red Square.
09:50Alf, look...
09:51Red Square.
10:00What do you call that blotch on Gorbachev's head?
10:05Red Square.
10:06Red Square.
10:09Junk Bonds.
10:11Junk Bonds.
10:17What do you call the last three 007 movies?
10:21Junk Bonds.
10:26Palomino.
10:27Palomino.
10:28Palomino.
10:30Palomino.
10:30What did Trigger sue Roy Rogers for?
10:42I should go back to my old job pulling porch splinters out of Bartles and Jane.
10:47Yes.
10:47Saint Elsewhere.
10:52Saint Elsewhere.
10:53Saint Elsewhere.
11:01What's the message on Mother Teresa's answering machine?
11:05Saint Elsewhere.
11:06Saint Elsewhere.
11:07Rich, little.
11:12Rich, little.
11:13Rich, little.
11:15Rich, little.
11:17Rich, little.
11:19Describe Dudley Moore in two words.
11:23Rich, little.
11:24Rich, little.
11:28Cat on a hot tin roof.
11:31Cat on a hot tin roof.
11:39Cat on a hot tin roof.
11:42Name a TV dinner on Melmac.
11:47I wrote that one myself.
11:51I hold in my hand the last envelope.
11:58May an alien from a distant planet invade your living room every Monday night at 8, 7 central.
12:09Goodyear, Bonzo, and Bush.
12:11And Bush, Goodyear, Bonzo, and Bush.
12:15And Bush, yeah.
12:22Name a blimp, a chimp, and a wimp.
12:27Oh, hey, Ed.
12:29Here, I had to take a few tucks in this turban.
12:31You might want to have it fixed before Johnny gets back.
12:34Oh, boy.
12:35There's more to come, so stay tuned.
12:38Do you think we can fix it?
12:40No.
12:41I don't know, Alex.
12:58You don't really explain how you do it.
13:00You just do it.
13:01It's like breathing.
13:02Oh, come on.
13:03Teach me.
13:04Well, it only works if it's spontaneous.
13:06Just do a little one.
13:09Hi-oh.
13:12Well, let me get this right.
13:14Is the accent on the hi or the yo?
13:17Alf.
13:19Hi-oh.
13:20You really should bring out our first guest.
13:22Boy, Ed, you're a real slave to tradition.
13:27We are honored that our first guest has chosen this show on which to make a rare television
13:33appearance.
13:34The spiritual leader of millions worldwide.
13:37Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dr. Joyce Brothers.
13:43Alf, you should bring out the Pope first.
13:47Who's hosting here, Ed?
13:51I'm waiting.
13:53You are, Alf.
13:54Dr. Joyce, haul it out here.
14:05Hey, Alf.
14:06It's very nice to meet you.
14:08What happened to your accent?
14:09What accent?
14:13Who are you?
14:15I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.
14:19Oh, no.
14:20I got you mixed up with Dr. Ruth.
14:25I'm sure it happens all the time.
14:27It's never happened before.
14:29Oh.
14:30What kind of doctor are you?
14:32I'm a psychologist.
14:33I'm an expert in interpersonal human relationships.
14:36Oh.
14:37Well, did you bring any clips to show us?
14:39I'm a psychologist.
14:41I don't have any clips.
14:42Well, you're in luck.
14:44I brought a few extra.
14:45Watch the monitor.
14:49Well, the week is over as far as I'm concerned.
14:52I'm going to have a plain old orange.
14:53Willie, I don't think that I can make it till sundown.
15:11Why don't we go away for the day?
15:12Good idea.
15:13Oh, come on.
15:14That's silly.
15:15Now, why don't we just tell Alf that he's won?
15:17Well, I'm for that.
15:18You've won.
15:20Won, ma'am?
15:21The bed is off.
15:23You can turn in your whisk broom and your phony accent and let out a big burp and let's
15:26get on with it.
15:28Boop.
15:29Boop.
15:30Boop.
15:33Boop.
15:34Boop.
15:35Alf.
15:36Alf.
15:37What?
15:37What?
15:38What?
15:38What are you doing?
15:40Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.
15:43Since when do you sleep standing up?
15:47Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.
15:50You look ridiculous.
15:53Well, not everyone sleeps like you.
15:56Mouth open.
15:58Drooling on the pillow.
16:02Go.
16:03Go back to the tent.
16:04It's too dangerous out there.
16:07I had to kill a 50-foot water snake with my pocket knife.
16:11There are no 50-foot water snakes in the backyard.
16:15I'm telling you, it was bright green and it spit water.
16:19Psst.
16:20Psst.
16:22That was my new garden hose.
16:25Whoa.
16:26No wonder it was sucking on the spigot.
16:33Hey, Lynn!
16:34You want to take over for Willie?
16:36Okay.
16:41Your move.
16:43Okay.
16:52Checkmate.
16:53So, Doc, what did you think?
17:04Well, judging from those clips, I think you have a little trouble meshing with the family unit.
17:10Oh, yeah?
17:11So's your grandmother.
17:13That's a rather defensive attitude, Alf.
17:16Are you afraid to face a realistic assessment of your ability?
17:19I can't hear you.
17:20I'm not even listening.
17:22I'm the guest host.
17:23You are just a guest.
17:25Maybe I'd better come back at another time.
17:27I'm sorry.
17:28Why?
17:29Do you feel threatened when prevented from espousing tenants of your so-called profession?
17:35Possibly revealing a lack of maturity on your part.
17:38So's your grandmother.
17:44Way to go, Alf.
17:45Joyce's brother's been coming on this show for 25 years, and that's the first time she walked off.
17:52Well, what did I do?
17:53She's the one who forgot to bring clips.
17:56Uh-oh.
17:56Here comes the producer.
17:59Oh, hi, Freddy.
18:01It's Fred DiCordova, executive producer of The Tonight Show.
18:07Alf, uh...
18:08Pope John Paul.
18:13Fred?
18:14John Paul Jones.
18:17Your turn.
18:19All right.
18:19There is a logical sequence by which we bring out guests on this show.
18:23World religious leaders, doctors, people from zoos.
18:31So what?
18:33Well, if you'll read your contract, if you don't do it our way, you don't get paid.
18:43Ladies and gentlemen, His Holiness Pope John Paul II.
18:48So what's the deal?
18:59His Holiness is in the restroom.
19:01He drank a lot of coffee waiting to come on.
19:04So now what are we going to do?
19:07Oh, I know.
19:08Let's play Stump the Band.
19:11You hold down the band, I'll saw off their legs.
19:14Oh, my.
19:14You could bring out another one of your guests.
19:20All right, all right.
19:22Send out whoever you got back there.
19:30Hi, Joan.
19:31Welcome to the show.
19:35Ladies and gentlemen, Joan Embry of the San Diego Zoo.
19:40Joan, Joan.
19:42You didn't have to bring me a snack.
19:44This is Felis Catus, a domestic cow's cat.
19:48My favorite.
19:50Hey, that, Alf, that looks like the cat from your show.
19:54Why, so it is.
19:56You know, I had planned on bringing a reticulated python, but somebody let him go and put this cat in his cage.
20:04It was probably the Pope.
20:06He's been hanging around backstage all night.
20:10The Pope told me you did it.
20:13Hey, who are you going to believe, me or the Pope?
20:17Did you bring any clips?
20:20Clips?
20:21No, I brought a snake.
20:23Well, I have a few clips I think you might enjoy.
20:26Roll them.
20:27Six-thirteen.
20:31One minute to go, luckmeister.
20:34Then I'll be down on you like a buzzard on a gut wagon.
20:39The duck a la range is ready.
20:41Have some wine.
20:42It'll slow down your reflexes.
20:44All right.
20:48Hold still, Lucky.
20:50I'll be off your back in a minute.
20:54No!
21:00The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.
21:04Did you ever hear the expression, curiosity killed the cat?
21:08Yeah.
21:09It's usually followed by the expression, pass the plum sauce.
21:14Hello, young man.
21:18Hello, old woman.
21:21We're terribly sorry to bother you so late, but we couldn't get out any earlier.
21:26Oh, well, I'm afraid that I gave my last candy bar away over an hour ago.
21:32Oh, shucks.
21:34Well, I'll see if I can't find something else.
21:38Was that a cat?
21:40Oh, yes.
21:41I have lots of cats.
21:44Well, I'll take a yellow one.
21:51What is cat juice?
21:53Well, it's just like orange juice.
21:55But instead of squeezing the juice out of an orange, you squeeze the juice out of a...
21:59I don't want to hear it.
22:00Then cover your ears.
22:02Cat!
22:02I heard it.
22:04You were warned.
22:10Too rough?
22:12You're awful.
22:13Hey, Joe.
22:14Relax.
22:15I haven't eaten a single cat since I've been here.
22:18They've all been married.
22:20I'm reporting you to the ASPCA.
22:28Oh, just what I need.
22:30Union problems.
22:32Next time you have a cat on the show, make sure you bring enough for everybody.
22:36Nice going, Al.
22:39You're two for two.
22:41Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?
22:44Ah!
22:44Good one, driver's in!
22:46Ha!
22:48Oh.
22:50You broke Johnny's cup.
22:54Hey, that's nothing.
22:55You should see what I did to his dressing room.
22:58I've never seen Johnny's dressing room.
23:02I mean, I'm not allowed.
23:07Oh, great.
23:08It's Fred with a phone.
23:10Don't you have an office, man?
23:12There's a phone call for you.
23:15In case you haven't noticed, I happen to be hosting the Tonight Show.
23:20Can't you take a message?
23:22It's Mr. Carson.
23:23Tell him I'm not here.
23:32We'll be right back after these messages.
23:34So, Johnny, have you been watching the show?
23:56Yeah?
23:57What do you think?
23:59All right, all right.
24:00I'm sorry I broke your cup.
24:02Have you been enjoying the clips?
24:06Uh-huh.
24:08Uh-huh.
24:09What did he say?
24:12He said if I don't shape up,
24:14he'll send over a nearsighted veterinarian
24:16to make a few clips of his own.
24:19You'd probably like to see how I get out of this mess, huh?
24:23No problem.
24:24Watch the next elf.
24:25Guitar Track Hankins.
24:27I'll see you next week.
24:27You're welcome.
24:41You're welcome.
25:24Ha ha ha ha!
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