- 16/05/2025
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00it's about time you got back with the food we've only been gone an hour an hour
00:10and 12 minutes according to seven of my stomachs
00:13alf alf can't you wait for us to unpack them let's see no
00:24hey did you get the stuff on my list sorry alf grocery stores on earth still don't carry
00:34melmachian junk food what about putting in a shoe not available west of jupiter
00:42well it's always better homemade anyway willie can i borrow a pair of your wingtips
00:49you may not cook in my shoes socks let the edict include all footwear
00:57why eat your bland desserts oh here alf we did buy you this my national inquisitor
01:08great at least i could read about michael jackson's skull reduction
01:13i can't believe you actually read that stuff well pardon me mr u.s news and world report
01:23our alien is hooked on gossip magazines that sounds like a headline from one of them
01:34well be thankful that he likes that magazine it actually keeps him quiet for 30 minutes at a time
01:4130 seconds at a time
01:46he's fainted
01:52he's fainted
01:57he's fainted
01:58he's fainted
01:59he's fainted
03:01What happened?
03:06I fainted.
03:07Oh, please.
03:10No more portly women.
03:15What happened, Alf?
03:17I can't believe it, Willie.
03:19Read the headline on page two.
03:21Oh, corn chip dead ringer for Liberace.
03:30Wow.
03:31Not that.
03:33The headline next to it.
03:35Couple in bar stole living with space alien.
03:39That's it.
03:40Oh, Alf, don't be ridiculous.
03:43Alf, there's an article like this one in every issue of this magazine.
03:48But this one is different.
03:50Read on.
03:52The alien is described as being short and furry with large ears and a long snout.
03:59That sounds like Alf.
04:02Keep reading.
04:03The creature is said to be fond of cats and subsists on a diet of frozen yogurt and light bulbs.
04:13That's my cousin Blinky.
04:16You have a cousin Blinky?
04:18Well, we call him that because he likes to eat light bulbs.
04:22Alf, your cousin Blinky is not living in Barstow.
04:27How could you say that?
04:29It's printed right there next to Raymond Burr's makeup tips.
04:33I'm just trying to get a grip on reality here.
04:38Just consider for a moment the tremendous improbability of an alien from outer space actually living with a family.
04:51I'll start the car.
04:54Hold it.
04:55Hold it.
04:56Give me the paper.
04:58I'm going to call these people and I'm going to settle this thing right now.
05:03Hello.
05:04I'm trying to reach the Susla residence.
05:07I'm so excited I could squirt.
05:11What?
05:13It's just an expression.
05:15Are you by any chance the couple that was in the National Inquisitor?
05:19Oh, cut the chit-chat.
05:21Let me talk to them.
05:23You don't really have a creature from outer space living with you, do you?
05:29And it eats light bulbs.
05:30Nothing over 75 watts.
05:36I see.
05:38Hand me the phone.
05:39Would your space alien happen to be a little on the pushy side?
05:47Oh, really?
05:49Well, thank you then.
05:51Thank you very much.
05:51Thank you for your time.
05:55Barstow.
05:55No.
05:59Yes.
06:01Alf, Barstow is a three-hour drive from here.
06:05But we're cousins.
06:07Alf, you don't really...
06:08Now, Mackey and cousins all the way.
06:10Maybe there is a little...
06:12One pair of matching bookends.
06:14I'll get my keys.
06:15Barstow, we're on our way.
06:17Willie, do I look all right?
06:28You look fine, Alf.
06:30You look just as fine as the last 29 times you asked me.
06:35I want to look my best.
06:39No, I'm really unhappy with this new cream rinse I've been using.
06:42I realize how important this is to you, Alf.
06:48But I don't...
06:49I don't want you to be disappointed.
06:54What is that?
06:57Antiperspirant.
06:58I sweat when I'm nervous.
07:01Put it away.
07:02It smells terrible.
07:05Fine.
07:06I'll slap on some of this cologne instead.
07:09Yeah.
07:12Here, Willie.
07:13Smell this.
07:16Oh.
07:18Yeah.
07:19What's this?
07:22Asbestos.
07:31Too musky?
07:39As I was saying,
07:41I realize how important this is to you.
07:45That's why I'm driving all the way to Barstow, you know.
07:48Willie, I know what you're going to say.
07:50You do?
07:51Sure.
07:52And I appreciate the offer.
07:54And I know that Blinky's going to fit into the Tanner household
07:58as well as I do.
08:07Well,
08:07this must be it.
08:11Well,
08:11see you later.
08:12No, wait, wait, Alf.
08:15Remember,
08:15our plan.
08:16I go in
08:17and check this out first.
08:19That's your plan.
08:21We can't take any chances.
08:23Let caution
08:24be our credo.
08:27Let caution
08:28be our credo.
08:29Stay in the car.
08:31And stay now.
08:32I just know I'm going to squirt.
08:40Hello.
08:53Hello.
08:55My name is William Tanner.
08:57I called earlier today regarding your claim to have an alien.
09:00Right this way.
09:09Please excuse the house.
09:11It's a bit cluttered since the tent fire.
09:14Tent fire?
09:15We had a traveling museum of sorts.
09:19Our lives are devoted to accessing the unknown,
09:23harvesting the bizarre,
09:25and exploiting the hideous atrocities of nature.
09:28Oh, nice.
09:31It's a living.
09:35That's Billy the Kid's mummified mustache.
09:38Oh, what's that dried up pink thing underneath it?
09:41Billy's lips.
09:45About this alien.
09:47Oh, no, not another one.
09:49Ah, this is my husband, Nick.
09:52Goodbye, Nick.
09:53Uh, pleased to meet you, Mr. Susla.
09:57Uh, I'm Willie Tanner.
09:58The name is pronounced Susla.
10:01No, no, you, you were right.
10:02It is Susla.
10:04I should know how to pronounce my own name.
10:07I think you should by now.
10:09Don't start with me, Betty.
10:11No.
10:13You're wasting your time.
10:14There is no alien here.
10:15What Nick is saying is that the alien's not here right now.
10:20That's not what I'm saying.
10:22I'm saying there is no alien here.
10:24Right now.
10:28Are you saying that you don't have an alien?
10:31Yes.
10:32No, we do.
10:34I can prove we have an alien.
10:36Uh, I have a photograph.
10:39Would you like to see it?
10:41Yes.
10:42How much?
10:44Very much.
10:45No, no, I meant in dollars.
10:48Well, I don't want to buy it.
10:48I just want to see it.
10:49And how much is that worth, do you?
10:52Save your money.
10:57I think I better be going.
10:59Oh, wait.
11:00Uh, for ten bucks, I'll let you have a glimpse of it.
11:12Okay, fine.
11:13Don't stare.
11:14Don't stare.
11:16Glimpse.
11:20You know, it looked amazingly like a German shepherd with some kind of antenna stuck on his head.
11:30Real amazingly.
11:34What kind of person would put antennas on a dog?
11:38The same kind of person who would glue a horn on a goat.
11:42It's not a goat.
11:43It's a unicorn.
11:45Its horn was loose.
11:50Thank you for your time.
11:53And thank you for sharing that with me.
11:56It was certainly worth the ten dollars.
11:59Wait.
12:00Uh, for another ten, I'll let you see a picture of its spaceship.
12:05Maybe another time.
12:06Too bad.
12:07It looks a lot like a hubcap with lights glued to it.
12:10I'm warning you, Nick.
12:15Bye.
12:18Oh, pardon me.
12:20Coming.
12:20No.
12:23Could I say just one thing?
12:25What?
12:26I can't live like this anymore.
12:28What are you talking about?
12:30I just got a quick ten bucks out of that sucker.
12:33Fine.
12:34We'll apply it to this month's glue bill.
12:39Wow.
12:39Alf.
12:41Alf?
12:42Hey!
12:46Alf!
12:57In all my years with traveling freak shows, I've never seen anything like you.
13:05Likewise.
13:05Except for Jojo the Beast Boy.
13:11Betty, this thing ain't nothing like Jojo.
13:15This thing ain't human.
13:18No, thank you.
13:21You're exactly what we need to take this show on the road again.
13:27Jo?
13:28What show?
13:29Betty, your sideshow days are over.
13:32I don't want you growing the beard again.
13:34I won't have to.
13:36We have our star attraction right here.
13:39I'm getting another one of my headaches.
13:43Go take another one of your naps.
13:48Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm really here to see Blinky.
13:52Blinky?
13:53Blinky?
13:54Uh, what's Blinky?
13:55I know you've got him.
13:57Where is he?
13:58Get me Blinky.
13:59Oh, we'll get you Blinky.
14:02We'll get you all the Blinky you want.
14:05You're going to be very happy with us.
14:11I'll get rid of whoever that is.
14:13Oh, excuse me for bothering you again.
14:19Go away.
14:20I will, I promise.
14:21I just wanted to retrieve something that I've lost.
14:23No refunds.
14:24I'm not asking for a refund.
14:26I just want to see.
14:27May I please come in?
14:28I said beat it.
14:30We're closed.
14:31Catch us in the spring.
14:33We'll be on the road again.
14:38I'm really sorry, but...
14:40Oh, my.
14:45I don't want to use this.
14:48Go with that impulse.
15:01Was that Willie?
15:03No, no.
15:04Wasn't anybody.
15:06Uh, why don't you just take a seat?
15:10Hello?
15:26Kate, it's me.
15:28Oh, Willie, we were just beginning to worry.
15:30Is everything all right?
15:31Not exactly.
15:32Well, what do you mean?
15:34Do they have an alien?
15:37They do now.
15:38What's going on?
15:40Well, they have Alp, and they won't let him go?
15:42I'm going to go back and try to get him out, but it may take a while.
15:46Uh, will you call me back?
15:48I can't, Kate.
15:49I spent all my money glimpsing a Polaroid.
15:52Glimpsing a Polaroid?
15:54A Polaroid of what?
15:55Of what?
15:56German Shepherd with antennas.
16:00Antennas?
16:00It has antennas?
16:01It just goes downhill from there, Kate.
16:05I'll call you later.
16:07I love you.
16:08Honey, I love you.
16:10What has antennas?
16:13Apparently, German Shepherd's in Barstow.
16:15It's no wonder Blinky didn't stick around.
16:27If you treat all your house guests like this.
16:30How about we bill you as Bobo the Amazing Aardvark?
16:36Hear him talk.
16:38Betty, come to bed.
16:41Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
16:42Oh, you're going to make us a lot of money.
16:46How about Dodo the hairy parrot?
16:51How about telling me why I'm tied up?
16:53So she can glue antennas on you.
16:56Shh.
16:57Not in front of the F-R-E-A-K.
17:02Who's Frank?
17:04I'm going to bed.
17:05You coming or not?
17:06Yeah, yeah.
17:08Good night, my furry little gold mind.
17:12Night, Frank.
17:30Hey, what's going on in there?
17:33Nothing.
17:33Uh, that was nothing also.
17:43Ah!
17:45It's me.
17:46Willie.
17:47Keep it quiet in there.
17:50Sorry.
17:51Just a painful rope burn.
17:56You all right, Elf?
17:58I'm fine, but I don't know what they've done to Blinky.
18:02Blinky.
18:03I'll show you.
18:05Look.
18:07This is their alien.
18:10Looks like a German shepherd with antlers.
18:14I'll be out of here in no time.
18:19Or not.
18:21Uh-oh.
18:22It's Frank's husband.
18:24Hold it right there.
18:26Freeze.
18:27Don't move.
18:30No, you hold it right there, freeze.
18:32Don't move.
18:33Do you know what this is?
18:35It's either a talking aardvark or a hairy parrot.
18:38Betty hasn't decided yet.
18:39This is a creature possessed of unimaginable powers.
18:45Powers?
18:47Yes, powers.
18:49You know, your powers, your unimaginable powers.
18:53The powers we all find so...
18:56unimaginable.
18:58The powers you don't like to use unless we're in trouble
19:01and there's no way out.
19:04Oh, those powers.
19:07You know, I don't like to use those powers, Willie.
19:15I feel you must.
19:17Well, all right.
19:23Ooh!
19:28You'd better get out of here.
19:30Because in...
19:31in just about ten seconds, you'll be...
19:34Ooh!
19:35He'll be flatter than a flapjack.
19:40Ooh!
19:45Yes.
19:48Ten.
19:49Nine.
19:50Eight.
19:51Seven.
19:53Six.
19:55Five.
19:57Four.
19:58Three.
19:59Two.
20:00One.
20:01Two.
20:02Three.
20:06Forget it.
20:07It's not working.
20:10What are you gonna do with us?
20:13Go on, get out of here.
20:16You mean you're gonna let us go?
20:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:18Go on.
20:19Well, that's awfully nice of you.
20:21What nice?
20:22I just don't want to go back out on the road with another rolling geek brigade.
20:27I just want a nice, quiet retirement with my lunatic wife.
20:32I really appreciate this.
20:34Yeah, likewise.
20:36Nick!
20:37What's going on out there?
20:40Hi!
20:40Hey, how'd he get in here?
20:42What's he doing with my parrot?
20:46Stay back, honey.
20:47That thing's got unimaginable powers.
20:49If we don't let him go, he's gonna squash me like a two-headed elephant on a peanut.
20:54Since when does a parrot have powers?
20:59Ow!
20:59Not that.
21:04Let's go!
21:07Hey!
21:08Glue an antenna on this.
21:22Alf?
21:26Alf?
21:28Yeah?
21:29I'm sorry it didn't work out.
21:33Me too.
21:36Well, I'm glad you're safe.
21:39Safe and alone.
21:42Species-wise.
21:45You know, we all feel alone at certain times in our lives.
21:50Feeling alone and being alone are two different things.
21:57I'm sorry.
21:58Alf, I wish there was something I could say.
22:02I actually believed it, Willie.
22:05I really convinced myself there might be others of my kind here.
22:10Well, who knows, pal?
22:11Someday there might be.
22:12Willie, Willie, Willie, follow that car.
22:30Willie, Willie, follow that car.
22:32Hurry!
22:33What car?
22:33The one that just passed us.
22:35Catch up to it.
22:37Alf, there has been a car on this road for miles.
22:40I just saw one, and Blinky was in it.
22:45You must have been daydreaming, pal.
22:47I was?
22:49I mean, think about it.
22:52What are the odds that a creature from outer space would be in a car on this road at this time of...
22:58I mean, what are the odds that two creatures from outer space would be in two cars on this road at...
23:06I think maybe you better drive for a while.
23:12laugh
23:22...
23:23Good love!
23:26Hang on!
23:27One, two, three!
23:29Three, three!
23:30Nice, two, three!
23:31Seven, Two, three!
23:32One, two, three!
23:33One, two, three!
23:34Two, three!
23:35One, two, three!
23:36Three!
23:36Whoa!
23:37Shoo!
23:38"'Vincertity'
23:39Jho!
23:39One, two!
23:41Ha ha ha ha!
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