- 15/05/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00Well, thank you, thank you, and welcome to the second annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament.
00:08Okay, uh, introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.
00:16And the challengers, Kate, and, uh, of course, Willie Tanner.
00:25Whoa, hiss, murder the bums!
00:28I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
00:32That's it. Mouthing off. You're out of here.
00:35I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules.
00:40Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Mel Mack's biggest sport.
00:45Only there it was called muck-sucking.
00:50Hey, I didn't name it.
00:53Is it played the same?
00:55Exactly. Except you need four newlywed couples and Bob Eubanks.
01:00Oh, oh, and the swing was slightly different.
01:03Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.
01:05Willie!
01:11Now you see why it was called muck-sucking.
01:14Willie, are you all right?
01:17I'm not sure. I think my shin is broken.
01:20Oh.
01:21And he said he never played this game before.
01:24Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
01:27Put him on the couch. I'll have a look at him there.
01:30Stay away from me!
01:31I just want to help.
01:33I just want to be a safe distance from you.
01:36If there is such a place.
01:41Guess it's just you and me, you little muck-sucker.
01:44I don't want to play with you, Alf.
01:46You're too dangerous.
01:49Oh, what a day!
01:51First I broke Willie's windshield.
01:54Then I broke Willie's power saw.
01:56Now I broke Willie.
01:58Sometimes I think the tanners would be better off without me.
02:03Sometimes I wish I'd never come here.
02:06I wish. I wish.
02:09Wish I could figure out this thing called gravity.
02:28Always.
02:29And I don't pay my hands on the couch.
02:30I don't charge your hands.
02:31You're too heavy.
02:32We'll be great.
02:33You're too heavy.
02:35You're too heavy.
02:37Long to be licking on the couch.
02:39Although he was a dancer that he's getting to it.
02:40But here's the room I chose.
02:45I can't do it.
02:47I can't do it.
02:48If I could figure out that I could figure out the couch.
02:50I don't care.
02:51I don't care.
02:52I don't care.
02:53You're too heavy.
02:54I can't do it.
02:55I'm just gonna try it.
02:56Oh, holy on subsidiary.
03:26You think your shin hurts, Wilco?
03:29Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
03:32Will you please pass the hearts of palm, Father?
03:35Certainly, son.
03:38Did the temperature just drop in here?
03:41And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?
03:45Mmm, a perfect complement to the steak tartare.
03:49Hey, how about a little sympathy?
03:51I just took a blow that would have knocked out Mike Tyson.
03:54Would you like some more, dear?
03:55Oh, thanks, Mom.
03:58All right, Cicely Tyson.
04:01Save room for the creme brulee, everyone.
04:04Oh, I for one certainly will.
04:07Well, excuse me for bleeding.
04:10Hey, what is this?
04:12Freeze out the reckless alien?
04:15What a lot of food.
04:17There's certainly gonna be a lot left.
04:19We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
04:22Right.
04:23We'd eat the dog in one sitting.
04:29Isn't anyone gonna get repulsed?
04:33Come on, Tanners.
04:34Talk to me.
04:36They can't see or hear you, Alf.
04:39Oh!
04:42Help!
04:43Help!
04:44There's a stranger in the house!
04:45I've been unveiled!
04:46They can't see me, either.
04:49Willie!
04:53Uh, uh, grease fire!
04:54Grease fire!
04:55Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
05:01Believe me now?
05:03No!
05:04I don't believe any of this!
05:06Who are you?
05:07My name is Bob.
05:08I'm your guardian angel.
05:10Right.
05:11And I'm the Easter alien.
05:14Well, I don't have all day.
05:17Are you ready?
05:18Ready for what?
05:20To start your new life.
05:21I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
05:26You got me a date with Sheena Easton?
05:29Do you recall these words?
05:31I wish that I had a different life.
05:34I never said that.
05:35Oh, all right, I'm paraphrasing.
05:39You must know your exact words.
05:43Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here.
05:46I wish, I wish, bonk.
05:49Bonk?
05:50Oh, yes, that's when the mallet hit you.
05:52How do you remember saying that?
05:54I say so many things.
05:57I'm a Scorpio, you know.
06:00Well, your wish has been granted.
06:02History has been revised,
06:04and your life with the tunnels never happened.
06:08But I've wished for a lot of things.
06:11How come this is the one you're giving me?
06:13It's a new law, the Capra Amendment.
06:17Anyone who asks for a new life gets one.
06:20Colorization is optional.
06:23Yeah, well, we'd better be going.
06:26Uh, yeah, okay, fine.
06:27Um, just give me a minute to say goodbye.
06:31All right, I give up.
06:33You made your point.
06:35Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.
06:39It's no use, Alf.
06:40They can't see you.
06:42If you don't believe me, look in the mirror.
06:49Strange.
06:50I thought I broke that mirror.
06:52Look again.
06:54It is broken.
06:56I don't see our reflections.
06:59Eek!
07:00We're vampires!
07:02We're not vampires.
07:03We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.
07:08Well, if I don't exist,
07:11these poor people must be miserable.
07:14You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.
07:19We have two wonderful kids, comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.
07:25You made them say that.
07:27No, I didn't.
07:28Yes, you did.
07:29Did not.
07:30Did too.
07:31Nuh-uh.
07:32Uh-huh.
07:33Oh, by the way, thanks again for the Maserati.
07:35Our pleasure.
07:36Is it okay if I give Julie my Porsche?
07:39Sure, honey.
07:40Thanks.
07:41It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.
07:45Okay, so they've got a little more money.
07:50I'll get it.
07:54Aren't you going to ask me to hide in the kitchen, Willie?
07:57Hi, guys.
07:58Come on in.
08:00Brian has friends.
08:02They couldn't come over when you lived here.
08:04Come on out back.
08:05We just got a new slide.
08:09They're excited about a slide?
08:11Big deal.
08:13It's a pool slide.
08:15Well, their yard isn't big enough for a pool.
08:17It is now.
08:19They bought the Ochmonics' house and tore it down.
08:22The Ochmonics moved away?
08:25Not exactly.
08:27Your after dinner tea, Monsieur, Fraulein, Senorita.
08:30Merci.
08:31Danke.
08:32Gracias.
08:34Don't tell me.
08:35They live in the servants' quarters.
08:38Exactly.
08:40Well, how did the tanners get all this money?
08:43Without you around, there were fewer expenses.
08:45And you weren't here to accidentally eat Willie's lottery ticket.
08:50Hey, I thought it was a wheat then.
08:53Well, if I don't live here, where do I live?
08:56What's my life like?
08:59Oh, it's a wonderful life.
09:02Would you like a sneak preview?
09:04No.
09:05Where are we?
09:13Cosmic Cosmetics.
09:16Oh, good.
09:17I'm almost out of Henner Rinse.
09:20This is where you work.
09:22Work?
09:24You mean in my new life I have a job?
09:26Yes.
09:27But I'm a domestic alien.
09:30See, I belong at home.
09:32Guarding the refrigerator.
09:34Monitoring TV programming for the children.
09:37Nevertheless, this is your new life, and in it you work.
09:42We're falling behind in our hourly quota.
09:45I better speed this thing up.
09:46You know how the boss feels about quotas.
09:49Well, sounds like a great place to work.
09:52Thanks a lot, Bobbo.
09:55Maybe I should let you meet the boss.
09:57You might like him.
09:58No, you don't understand.
10:00I can't work.
10:02It'll put me in a tax bracket.
10:05Ready to go?
10:06No!
10:09I really wish I could do that.
10:11Only angels can transport themselves.
10:14No, I mean snap my fingers.
10:16Oh.
10:19Well, this is the boss's office.
10:21What do you think?
10:23Could use a skylight.
10:25And a deli counter.
10:26And they say you're shallow.
10:29Look, Bobbo.
10:31I have enough anxiety in my life without taking orders from some slave driving jerk.
10:36Freddy! Freddy!
10:38Who do you think you're kidding, huh?
10:40Your report was a mockery of a travesty of a fake sham.
10:43Unless you think you could live on unemployment, you better fix it. Toot pronto!
10:53Well, what do you think?
10:54I think he's an incredibly handsome slave driving jerk.
11:07Send in Mavis Winkler.
11:09Impressed?
11:10Yeah!
11:11That suit makes my body look like a V.
11:12I have the financial statements for last quarter, Mr. Shumway.
11:24Thank you, Mavis.
11:25How are we doing?
11:27Sales are up 122% over the previous quarter.
11:31The cost of goods sold declined by 30% since we fully depreciated the Peoria plant.
11:36And the projected sums are...
11:37Ho, ho, ho!
11:39Pull over and stay in the vehicle, Mavis!
11:41What's the bottom line?
11:42You're rich.
11:43How rich?
11:45So rich.
11:48Well, I may be rich, but I'm not rich enough.
11:50Raise prices immediately.
11:52I'll get right on that, sir.
11:53Never mind. I'll handle it myself.
11:56Mary Elizabeth, can you please come right in?
12:08Take a memo.
12:12How did I become this captain of industry?
12:16Well, when you arrived on Earth, you crashed into the cosmetic section of Bloomingdale's.
12:22Blue radiator fluid from your spacecraft leaked into a couple of empty cosmetics bottles.
12:27Well, Jackie Onassis bought one.
12:29The other was allegedly purchased by Bess Myerson.
12:33Well, Jackie wore the perfume to Leona Helmsley's New Year's Eve party.
12:37Well, Leona flipped for the fragrance,
12:39and she asked Donald Trump to take a sniff.
12:42All right, all right, I got the picture.
12:44Gee, give a man eternity and he talks your ear off.
12:48Anyway, to make a long story short,
12:50your radiator fluid is now America's most popular perfume,
12:54Shumway No. 5.
12:56Oh.
12:58Did I do anything with my axle grease?
13:00Shumway lip gloss.
13:02How about my carburetor sludge?
13:05Preparation Shumway.
13:07And all I had to do was wish for all this?
13:11No starting in the mail room, no marrying the boss's ugly daughter, none of that?
13:15That's right.
13:17And I don't have to hide from the alien task force anymore?
13:20The president called them off when you put the federal deficit on your gold card.
13:23Okay, Bob, you win. This life looks great. Sign me up.
13:33I'll just get this paperwork out of the way and it's a done deal.
13:37Try not to panic, Bob, but I think we're on fire.
13:41What?
13:43Oh, don't worry. Those are just clouds.
13:45Well, I guess I've looked at these from both sides now.
13:53Is it my imagination, or did a 747 just go by under us?
13:59A clear violation of our air space.
14:03I'll make a note.
14:06Look! It's Michael Landon!
14:10Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
14:15Oh, I kill Mick!
14:18Incidentally, your hobby is racing Lear Jets.
14:22Last book read, Zen and the Art of Acquisitions.
14:26Favorite quote, Greed Works.
14:29You know, this new life is gonna be great.
14:32I'm gonna be rich, drive a big car.
14:35Make a note. Call Sheena Easton.
14:38No, no, first I'll call the Tanners and invite them over for pizza.
14:42Then we'll call Sheena Easton.
14:45I'm afraid that isn't possible.
14:47Well, fine. Then call Kelly Girl.
14:50Tell them to send over Kelly McGillis and Kelly LeBrock.
14:54I mean, you won't be able to invite the Tanners over.
14:58After the transition, you won't remember them.
15:01Oh, sure I will.
15:03Just because I'm gonna be rich doesn't mean I'll forget the little people.
15:07I'm afraid you will, Alf.
15:09You'll forget the Tanners and everything about your former life.
15:12Oh, everyone's a little nervous at first.
15:15I'm sure you're going to be very happy in your new life.
15:18Well, I can't imagine being happy in a life without the Tanners.
15:22Oh, come off it, Alf.
15:24Think of your secretary.
15:26Think of your profit margins.
15:28Think of your other secretary.
15:30And you saw how well the Tanners were doing without you.
15:32Well, I guess you're right.
15:36But can I at least go back and see them one last time?
15:40I've got to join a frequent flyer club.
15:54The Ingram Gambit.
15:55I'm not sure I'm going to be able to counter that.
16:00Do what I do.
16:02Wait for her to look away, then eat the horse.
16:08Mother, father.
16:11How was the bassoon lesson, Lynn?
16:13Teacher said my embouchure is getting better.
16:16Well, until it does, don't breathe on me.
16:19Wonderful, dear.
16:20Wonderful, dear.
16:22Without me around, all the straight lines are going to waste.
16:28Well, I'm off.
16:30Going out back to the driving range, are you, Brian?
16:33Yes, I've got to work on my slice.
16:36Tell me again, father.
16:38Why do I enjoy golf so?
16:40Because it gives you an opportunity to cultivate business contacts, my boy.
16:44Oh, yes.
16:46Thank you, father.
16:47Golf.
16:51Business contacts.
16:53Brian's supposed to be a kid, not a Republican.
16:57Nobody's having any fun around here.
16:59I haven't heard anybody laugh in the last five minutes.
17:04Oh, Catherine, did I tell you the joke about the elephant's footprints in...
17:10...the cheesecake?
17:13No, I don't believe you did.
17:14Well, how do you know...
17:20...when an elephant...
17:23...has been in your refrigerator?
17:26How?
17:31You'll find his footprints...
17:34...in the cheesecake.
17:36...in the cheesecake.
17:41I see.
17:44This is pathetic.
17:46The twins aren't better off without me.
17:49They're bored.
17:51Worse than that, they're boring.
17:54They don't seem unhappy.
17:55Well, that's because they don't know any better.
17:57I'm not around to liven things up.
18:01You know, Catherine...
18:03...as wonderful as our lives are...
18:06...I sometimes get the feeling that something's missing.
18:11Now that you mention it, I've been feeling the same way.
18:14You made them say that.
18:16No, I didn't.
18:17Yes, you did.
18:18Did not.
18:19Did too.
18:20Uh-uh.
18:21Uh-huh.
18:22Why did you do that, dear?
18:32Every once in a while, I just feel the need to hear something breaking.
18:36I told you they miss me.
18:39Don't be ridiculous. They don't even know you.
18:41Okay, then they need me.
18:43Look at Willie.
18:44The poor guy has to break everything himself.
18:46Will there be anything else?
18:58Would you be so kind as to belch for us?
19:04Ugh.
19:07Thank you, Raquel.
19:09No problem.
19:13That's disgusting!
19:14You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.
19:18I changed my mind.
19:20I'm not leaving.
19:21And you can't make me.
19:23I stand corrected.
19:28Sign here.
19:30I'm not signing.
19:32Well, have it your way.
19:34It's a mere formality anyway.
19:36Look, the tanners aren't better off just because they have more money.
19:40And I don't want to be rich.
19:41If it means I'll never get to see them.
19:44It's the people in your life that count.
19:47Not the material things.
19:49What is this? Family ties?
19:54Well, at the very least, someone's got to teach that Willie how to tell a joke.
19:59It's too late, Alf. What's done is done.
20:02Well, forget it. I'm not going.
20:03I know my rights.
20:05Get me a lawyer.
20:07This is heaven.
20:09There are no lawyers here.
20:11Prepare to enter your new life.
20:13No, no, wait, wait.
20:15This whole thing is a mistake.
20:17The deal is off.
20:19The deal is off.
20:21The deal is off.
20:23The deal is off.
20:26The deal is off.
20:27The deal is off.
20:29I think he's waking up.
20:31Alf? Alf?
20:34Can you hear me?
20:36N-E-M?
20:38N-E-M?
20:40Is that you?
20:42Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
20:46It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you all right?
20:48Well, I think so.
20:51Ah!
20:52Ow.
20:54We worried about you.
20:56Oh.
20:58Brian.
21:00Kate. Kate.
21:01Lynn.
21:03Willie.
21:05Willie, I'm back.
21:06Bob sent me back.
21:08Who's Bob?
21:10My guardian angel.
21:12See, I wished I never crashed into your garage.
21:15So Bob took me away from you.
21:16And...
21:18Willie smoked a pipe.
21:21Alf, you were just dreaming.
21:24We found you in the backyard.
21:26You're unconscious.
21:28You're sucking muck.
21:32Yeah.
21:33You must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
21:36I'm sorry I yelled at you, Alf.
21:39We were really worried.
21:41We thought you might have...
21:43Well, you know...
21:44Kicked the bucket?
21:46Bit the big one.
21:48Bought the box condo.
21:50Checked into the maggot motel.
21:52Enough.
21:53Taken a dirt nap.
21:56I'm done.
21:59Alf, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.
22:03Believe me, you don't wanna know.
22:05By the way, do we have a pool?
22:09No.
22:11It doesn't matter.
22:13I'm home now.
22:15The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?
22:18Are you sure you're all right?
22:22Hey!
22:24What could be wrong?
22:26I'm here with my tanners.
22:28Everything's back to normal.
22:30Just the way I like it.
22:32A gift for you, Willie.
22:34From the bottom of my heart.
22:37Don't thank me.
22:41Popcorn.
22:42I need popcorn.
22:43I need popcorn.
22:53Are you almost ready, dear?
22:55I'll be right out!
22:57Hello?
22:58Bloomingdale's perfume department?
23:00Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here.
23:04This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation.
23:10Hold on a second.
23:17What do you know about this?
23:20I notice it doesn't absorb very well.
23:23It smells like radiator fluid.
23:29Hello?
23:30Could you transfer me to your automotive department?
23:33Here for a moment.
23:34I'll leave the economy.
23:35There he is.
23:39Hello?
23:53Go away with me.
23:55Oh I will over.
23:58I will leave the natural handle on the porch.
24:00We are so good.
24:01I'm so good.
24:03I'm so good.
24:05I'm so good.
24:07I'm so good.
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