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00:00What's the matter with you, Boycey? You don't seem your old self tonight. You ain't cheated once.
00:07No, sorry, Trigon. Just a bit down, that's all.
00:11I mean, you don't know what it's like to have a wife who can't have children.
00:16I've tried to console her. I've said, Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it.
00:24It doesn't seem to help.
00:26I'd like to be someone's dad.
00:28We're down for another going over at the bloody hospital next week.
00:32I mean, embarrassing ain't the word.
00:34I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle.
00:38I mean, she's the one with a problem. Why have I got to go?
00:41I never knew who my dad was.
00:43I heard your mum weren't that sure.
00:47You're out of order, mate. She knew who my dad was.
00:51Roughly.
00:52Now, come off the trigger, I see your birth certificate at school.
00:56What did your mum put down under father's name?
01:00Long time ago, wasn't it?
01:03What did she put down under father's name?
01:07Some soldiers.
01:12Well, maybe that's where I get my military bearing from.
01:15Oh, yeah? Well, go on. Do a counter-attack, then.
01:18No.
01:20Where's the old boy tonight, then?
01:22Going to the zoo.
01:23He's gone to...
01:24Don't ask.
01:24All right, then. Come off now, Mickey.
01:26Yeah, I'll see you later, Amanda.
01:28Here, dog.
01:29You took yourself to the chimney, yeah?
01:31Oh, cheers, Mick.
01:32I'll give you a bell in the week.
01:35She seems like a nice girl, Mickey.
01:37Yeah, well...
01:37You know how it is, Mike.
01:38Every so often, a person fancies a bit of a...
01:41And she picked you.
01:44That's a joke, isn't it?
01:45I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago.
01:48All right, Mick?
01:49All right, Rodney.
01:50What are you having?
01:51Oh, a half a loaf of a bit of time.
01:53Here, Mike, make that a big pint.
01:55Oi, oi.
01:55What have you been up to, then?
01:57I'm working for Boisey, innit?
01:58Delivering and picking up.
02:00Isn't the video game in a big way?
02:02Pirates, noughties, all that.
02:04And it's cash in hand, no question.
02:06Sweet as a nut.
02:07Well, you've been out on a knocker.
02:09Oh, I've just come back from your evening class, haven't I?
02:12Oi, you know, I told you we'd applied for an arts council grant.
02:15We got it.
02:16Ever?
02:17Yeah, straight up.
02:18Mr. Stephens, right, he's the head of our art group.
02:20He got confirmation this morning.
02:22We have got £10,000 to make a local community bill.
02:26And we got all the equipment, everything.
02:28And guess who's in charge of the project?
02:30You're putting me on?
02:31No, straight up, it's me.
02:33What I've got to do, you see, I've got to come up with the idea
02:35and then delegate the various responsibilities to all the other students.
02:39Yeah, well, put me in, won't you?
02:40I'm a member of your art class, innit?
02:42I've come off it, Mickey.
02:43I only came one night.
02:44That's only because I told you we had a nude model.
02:47Yeah, well, I thought it would be a bird anyway.
02:52You've got to write it, Rodney.
02:54Yeah?
02:55Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word.
02:58I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back.
03:00What was it called?
03:01Oh, the indictment.
03:02That's it, the indictment.
03:03Yeah, that would have made a terrific book, you know?
03:05Yeah.
03:06Why didn't you send it to a publisher?
03:08Well, I'll be perfectly honest with you, Mickey.
03:10I could not think of a single publisher who could understand what I was saying.
03:14Yeah.
03:14It was a bit strange, weren't it?
03:16All right, Rodgers?
03:16Hey?
03:17Yeah.
03:17Hello, Del.
03:18What's your having?
03:19What am I having?
03:19Bleeding hard time with this little moaner here.
03:21I shouldn't be up in bales of hay or hay at my time of life.
03:24Bales of hay?
03:26You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's mate's mate, right?
03:30He's a gamekeeper down at one of them private zoots.
03:32And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first wife's stepfather, right?
03:36He works for an animal food company.
03:37So put the two together, what you've got.
03:39Nice little learner.
03:40I don't want to worry you, but I think you've got something nesting in there, old son.
03:45Up your shirt.
03:46Oi, Rodney.
03:47Hang on.
03:48I'll see you in a minute.
03:49While you've been poncing around at your soppy art class, I've had to unload two tons of hay.
03:55Oh, poncing around?
03:56Is that what you call it?
03:57Well, for your information, this evening, I was commissioned to make a film.
04:05Leave it out.
04:05Dave, I wouldn't leave you to make a jelly.
04:09I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch.
04:14It's true.
04:14I love it, boys.
04:15It's true, I'm telling you.
04:17I've got all the equipment and everything.
04:19I'm writing it and Mickey Pierce is directing.
04:22You what?
04:23Mickey Pierce directing?
04:24He couldn't direct a seagull to the coasting.
04:26He has got experience in films.
04:29What, their Saturday morning job and a photographic counter at Boots?
04:31So leave it out, Rodney.
04:33Anyway, you couldn't write a film script.
04:35I mean, what was that book that you wrote?
04:36What was it called?
04:37The Indictment.
04:39I mean, that never got published, did it, eh?
04:40No, because you chucked it down a bloody shoe.
04:43Yes, that's right, because I didn't want to see you disappointed.
04:45I mean, it was a bloody stupid story.
04:47It was.
04:47No murders in it or nothing.
04:49I know.
04:50It was an indictment of a failing system, wasn't it?
04:53Well, right, it was a first effort, so it probably didn't have the same social impact as, say,
04:57Cathy come home.
04:59It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie come home.
05:02Yeah, it's still a new mate with, Rodney.
05:04Anyone in it, we know.
05:05Yeah, I'll tell you what.
05:06All them birds are in it for a start, look.
05:09That's a strewd move on your part, Rodney.
05:12You're the writer, Mickey's the director, so he gets the casting couch and you get the
05:17of our own.
05:39Where are you up there?
05:41Here you are, Oscar.
05:42Here you are, quick.
05:43Come on in, come on in.
05:44Got a present for you.
05:45Here you are.
05:46What is it?
05:47Go on in.
05:48Close your eyes.
05:49Oh, come on, Dill.
05:49What is it?
05:50Oh, come on, close your eyes.
05:52That Tom Stoppard don't have to put up with all this.
05:56Right, go on in.
05:57Open them.
05:59There you are.
06:00Well?
06:02Um, well, yeah, it's a typewriter, isn't it?
06:06You see that, Albert?
06:07He recognised it straight away.
06:09That's the author in him.
06:11Yeah, well, come on, Rodney.
06:12Come on, let's keep going, boy.
06:14You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now, won't you?
06:16Yeah, my son.
06:17Go on.
06:18Here.
06:19It's old, isn't it?
06:20The main stuff to last in them days.
06:23That is quality, Rodney.
06:25Look at that crisp.
06:26By royal appointment.
06:27Oh, yeah.
06:30Victoria Regina.
06:32Well, go on.
06:34What?
06:34Yeah, you know, try.
06:41Very faint, Dill, isn't it?
06:42Yeah, I know that.
06:42You've got to hit it harder than that, Rodney.
06:44Go on, have another go.
06:48You're still faint.
06:49Yeah, well, you've got to give it a good whack, haven't you?
06:51Come here, look, I'll tell you, look.
06:54There you are.
06:54There you are.
06:55Look there, that's better, isn't it?
06:56Look.
06:56Yeah, that's great.
06:57Thanks a lot.
06:58Right, that's all right.
06:59Away you go, then.
07:00Away I go what?
07:01Well, you know, you know, you start the whole typing.
07:03Yeah, be creative.
07:05Be creative.
07:06I can't just be creative at the drop of an act, can I?
07:09There are certain things a writer needs before he can actually start writing.
07:13Like a story.
07:14You haven't even got a story?
07:17Not exactly.
07:18I've only been trying for a couple of days, haven't I?
07:21Listen, I've got an idea for a story, and it's a bloody good one and all.
07:24Do you want to hear it?
07:25No, not really, Dill.
07:26That's charming, isn't it?
07:27You buy him a brand new typewriter and come up with a story for him, and what thanks you get.
07:32I'll tell you what thanks I get, Albert.
07:35No sodding thanks.
07:36That's a thanks I get.
07:37All right, tell me your story, then.
07:40No, no, don't bother yourself, Rodney, please.
07:41I was only trying to help you, mate.
07:43Now, come on, honestly, Dill, seriously, I'd like to hear your story.
07:47Well, I'll need a bit of help, don't I?
07:52Right.
07:54Okay.
07:55Now, this is a Jaws-type story.
07:57Jaws?
07:58Jaws has been done.
07:59Yeah, no, no, no, it hasn't been done, but this is different.
08:01It's called There's a Rhino Loose in the City.
08:10There's a Rhino...
08:11Loose in the...
08:13As in rhinoceros.
08:16That's right.
08:17There's a rhino loose in the city.
08:19What's it about, Dill?
08:24Well, it's about...
08:25You see, this rhinoceros, right, escapes from the zoo and it heads straight for London.
08:29Right, and after two or three days, they find all these, like, dead bodies lying about and no one knows who's done it, right?
08:35So they get a hold of this private detective, you know, sort of like a Charlton Heston-type geezer, to try and solve the crime.
08:41Now, the zookeeper happens to be, you know, a very attractive woman.
08:45So, before you know where you are, old Charlton has given the salt, what for?
08:49So, that's your romantic interest.
08:53Rhinoceros.
08:55But I don't know it's missing.
08:57How can you not know?
09:00Dill, if you've got a rhinoceros, right, and one day it ain't there, you tend to know it's missing.
09:04Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney.
09:08I mean, she ain't got one rhinoceros, she's probably, like, got, you know, two or three rhinoceros, this is.
09:12But how's an escape?
09:14Oh, it squeezes through the bars, my problem.
09:16Don't you stop getting saucy with me, Rodney.
09:18I'm only trying to help you, huh?
09:20I don't believe nobody knows it's escaped.
09:23What about the eight million people living in London?
09:25Don't none of them spot it?
09:27Yeah.
09:27Yeah, but the ones who spot it, they're the ones who gets trampled to death.
09:31What about all the others?
09:32The people in offices, the people in cabs, the people sitting on tops of buses.
09:37It's a rhino, Dill.
09:40He only comes out at night.
09:44What is it, a vampire rhino?
09:47No, it's not a vampire rhino, that's stupid, that, isn't it, eh?
09:51Where's he lived during the day?
09:54In a lock-up garage in a back street.
09:57Well, he's leasing it, isn't he?
09:58It's not leasing it, it's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes.
10:04But the detective does find it, um, only it's at night.
10:08And the rhino's gone out.
10:09That's right.
10:11See, so the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery.
10:14You see what it is, Rodney?
10:15Not only is it a love story, it's a new dunnit.
10:18New dunnit?
10:18What do you mean, who dunnit?
10:20We know who dunnit.
10:21The rhino dunnit.
10:24See, I know the we, we, the audience, right?
10:26We know that, but they don't know the actors, do they?
10:28Well, this is something...
10:29A rhinoceros has escaped from the zoo.
10:32There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints.
10:36There's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap.
10:40And Jack Nesting suspects them out loud.
10:42Well, I do admit they're one or two teething snags.
10:52But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit, hasn't it, eh?
10:55I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of Humpty Dumpty.
10:59I mean, look, this is a disaster movie.
11:02Disaster? It's a calamity movie.
11:04Why is he killing people?
11:06Well, what do you want it to be, a social worker?
11:09Well, he's a man-eater, isn't he?
11:11No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous.
11:15They're vegetarian.
11:18All right, all right, so we elbow the lock-up garage
11:20and we make him hide in the back of a health food shop.
11:25And he wouldn't head for the city, neither.
11:27But he's got to head for the city so he can kill lots of people.
11:30Yeah, that's right.
11:31No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
11:37All right, so what are you suggesting?
11:39We called a film, there's a rhino loo somewhere out in the sticks where no sod lives.
11:46You don't call the likes of Charlton Esten in because something's eating the carrots.
11:50No.
11:50I think it's a good idea.
11:51Thank you very much, Albert.
11:52Yes, well, I'll pass.
11:54All right.
11:55All right, then.
11:56Just wanted to put an idea in your head, that was all.
11:59Wish there'd been a bleeding bullet now.
12:01Well, I've only got a small budget, haven't I?
12:04I know, that's the beauty of it, Rodney.
12:06I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap.
12:11Yeah, all right, Chas.
12:12Yeah, I'll knock out that stuff for you tomorrow night, yeah.
12:15Eh?
12:16Um, not sure whether we'll be wanting a rhino now.
12:19We won't.
12:20All right.
12:21Listen, I'll give you a bell tomorrow night, Chas.
12:22All right.
12:22Turn on me.
12:23Hey, Tony, come on.
12:28Where's that grub?
12:29We've been waiting here half an hour.
12:31There's something I want to catch on the telly.
12:33The epilogue.
12:35Yeah, so's Christmas.
12:37Where are they?
12:37Look, I told you that we want two chicken and rice and one Spanish omelette.
12:41Two chicken and rice, one Spanish omelette.
12:44Omelette.
12:44We can't even speak the lingo, can we?
12:46What's the matter with it?
12:48Well, how do you get on me story, then?
12:49Well, I've got a kernel of an idea.
12:51You know, I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat.
12:54It's what writers call the gestation period.
12:57And what do you call it?
12:58Yeah, stop it.
12:59Stop whiting him up, you.
13:00And where's your director, then, Rodney?
13:03Yeah, he's equating himself with the video camera and all the equipment.
13:06Yeah, he's down the town hall filming a wedding.
13:10What do you mean he's down the town hall filming a wedding?
13:13Well, well, no.
13:13You see, what happened was, I went down the town hall and then round the churches,
13:16you know, taking notes of the bands,
13:18and then contacted the brides and asked them if they would like their happiest day recorded on film
13:23for 50 quid a fro.
13:25I don't believe you're doing this to me.
13:27Well, look, Rodney, that Mickey Pierce, he's got to practice with that camera, hasn't he?
13:31You know, he's got to work out how to focus it and all that.
13:34You know, it's, why not earn while you learn?
13:36That's what I say.
13:37Anyway, Boyce, he nicks all them tapes from Boyce, doesn't he, eh?
13:40But, Dale, this is an opportunity for me,
13:42and all you're doing is making money out of it.
13:44Look, it'll be all right,
13:46because he's only got five or six weddings to do.
13:49Two or three christenings and he's finished.
13:51That camera is council property.
13:54Yeah, so's the town hall.
13:55Yeah, see, there you go.
13:57You're just abusing the trash showing me, aren't you?
13:59Well, you shut up, you tart.
14:01Look, here, here is your share.
14:03I do not want it.
14:05Oh, well, please yourself.
14:07Goes back in the bit.
14:08All right, just this one second.
14:09Well, don't do me no favours, Rodney, will you, eh?
14:12You've not got to know.
14:13Who are you?
14:14I'll shut you up for a good while, aren't it, Boyce?
14:15I keep telling you, Marlene, them doctors don't know everything.
14:18They're just a bunch of chancers, that's all.
14:20Oh, good afternoon.
14:21I phoned an order through earlier, Mr Boyce.
14:24Oh, yes, I go see.
14:26All them bloody tests I've had.
14:28And what about all the bloody tests?
14:29Oh, good afternoon, Derek.
14:31I didn't realise you and your family were dining out.
14:34Oh, yes, I like to treat them once in a while.
14:36Keeps the morale up, doesn't it?
14:37Hello, darling.
14:38How are you?
14:39Hey, is my little godson in there yet?
14:41No, he ain't.
14:42And he ain't likely to be with him around.
14:45Oh, Marlene.
14:46Oh, he bloody nothing.
14:47All these years, you've said it was my fault we couldn't have kids.
14:50They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me.
14:53It's him.
14:55Ain't it bleeding fair, eh?
14:57Hey, what's the matter, them boys?
14:59See, you ain't enough there, are you?
15:01See what you've started now, Marlene?
15:03I mean, even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss this outside the confines of the laboratory
15:07and you're holding a public debate in a Chinese takeaway.
15:11He's got what doctors call a low count.
15:14Don't want to buy a calculator, do you, boys?
15:18What's it mean?
15:19Nothing.
15:20It means he's been firing more blanks than a territorial.
15:24Are you happy now, Marlene?
15:30Mr. Price, go on, boss.
15:32Yes, sir.
15:35Yes, thank you very much.
15:38It's our anniversary next Friday.
15:40Oh, yeah?
15:4120 years.
15:42God, that's something to celebrate, isn't it?
15:44Anyway, we've hired the pub and you're all invited.
15:47Oh, lovely.
15:48We'll be there, sweetheart.
15:49Yes, well, come along then, Marlene.
15:51Yeah, all right.
15:53Oh, Bodney, is that right you're making a film?
15:56Yeah.
15:57You know, I used to act a bit when I was younger.
16:00Actually, someone once said that I had a promising career in films.
16:05Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it.
16:08Let's go, Marlene.
16:09It's all right, Marlene.
16:10Bye-bye, boys, Steve.
16:17Here, what about that, then?
16:19Oh, boy, she's being a jaffer.
16:21A jaffer?
16:22Yeah, you know, seedless.
16:27I could use Boyce's problem as a thing for my film, couldn't I?
16:32No, because that hospital they attend, right,
16:34that's one of the leading centres for genetic research,
16:37artificial insemination and all that.
16:39That's quite interesting.
16:40Oh, yeah, on the edge of your seat stuff there, isn't it, eh?
16:43Hey, you thought any more about the rhino story?
16:45Bill, I'm not doing a film about a blood-sucking rhino
16:48and a divvy detective.
16:50No, that hospital interests me, though.
16:52I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it,
16:54freezing things and all that.
16:55They're messing around with nature.
16:57No, they're not messing around with nature, are they?
16:59They're assisting nature.
17:01See, because they only freeze the ova, or eggs, right,
17:04until they are ready to be fertilised, right?
17:07And then they get the egg,
17:09and, well, they sort of...
17:11They mix it...
17:12Well, there's this geese of...
17:13Oi, I've all learned on it, yeah?
17:14Oh, yeah, yeah.
17:17Do you know why I reckon in a few years' time,
17:18young married couple wanting to start a family,
17:20they won't go to the doctor's,
17:21nip down the road to B-jams.
17:37Everything all right, Rodney?
17:39No.
17:40The T and the A are missing.
17:42Oh, well, so, no problem, is it?
17:43Well, it is if I want to write words like act.
17:46Yeah, well, we'll find a way round it.
17:48I've got faith in you, I really have.
17:50Anyway, how are you going on?
17:51Can I have a read or something?
17:52No, you can't.
17:53It ain't finished yet.
17:54Oh, all right.
17:54Hey, what's this?
17:55Just a minute.
17:55Look, what's this red mark up here on the top?
17:57Is that something technical, is it?
17:59No, one of my fingers started bleeding.
18:02Oh, never mind, never mind.
18:03You'll be all right.
18:03Hey, I'll tell you what, your movie, and I've caused a stir round here,
18:06yeah, you'll be surprised how many actors and actresses live locally.
18:10I don't mean you're not like professionals,
18:11but just a lot of new, fresh, untapped talent.
18:15There, look, I've made a list for you.
18:16There you are.
18:21I'm not suggesting I use all these people in my film.
18:24Just extras, Rodney, just extras.
18:26Never mind the quantity, think about the quality.
18:28I'm thinking about the money, Dale.
18:30Well, I did say a tenner a day.
18:32I can't afford to pay them a tenner a day.
18:34No, they pay us a tenner a day.
18:36You're just exploiting people again, isn't you?
18:39No, I am not, Rodney.
18:40Look, look, I've given them your word now.
18:42Well, you had no right to.
18:44Oh, look, all right, here is your share.
18:46All right, there you go, look.
18:50And they're just extras.
18:52Just extras, that's all.
18:54Oh, by the way, there's a list here of local businesses
18:58you might like to mention, all right?
18:59Good boy.
19:02The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlour.
19:06Yeah, we just mentioned something like the relaxing atmosphere,
19:09nice and friendly service, you know what I mean?
19:11Oh, is The Undertaker's down there?
19:14No.
19:15Oh, well, bear it in mind, will you?
19:16Bill, why are you doing this to me?
19:19I had high hopes when I started this project.
19:22Mr. Stephen said if it was good enough,
19:23he'd show up at a national film theater.
19:25Oh, look, what's the matter with you?
19:27You're earning, ain't you?
19:29Look, you...
19:29Blimey, listen, I've got a chute.
19:31I've got another client to meet.
19:32Might mean another booking.
19:33Yeah, talking about that.
19:35Um, what is a natural birth?
19:38Never mind, I'll find out myself.
19:40Don't worry about that.
19:41Hey, oi, Albert, do you want a lift?
19:44Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute, son.
19:45Come on, come on, shift yourself.
19:47I ain't got all night, you know.
19:48Ta-da, I'll see you later.
19:51Smile, you're on candid camera.
19:53Listen, I might have another booking for you later on.
19:55I'll give you a bell.
19:56All right.
19:57All right, Rodney?
19:58No, it is not all right.
19:59This is getting out of hand.
20:01Look.
20:02What is it, a petition?
20:04No, that's our cast list.
20:06And here's a list of all the shops and businesses
20:07we've got to advertise.
20:10He forgot The Undertaker's.
20:12You mean you knew about it?
20:13Well, it's good business, Rodney.
20:16Right, I'm all fat now, Rodney.
20:18Yeah.
20:18I'll get it.
20:19Yeah, good.
20:20Look, it's got to stop, Mickey.
20:21We're just promoting shops and businesses, haven't we?
20:24We've got more extras than Ben Hur here.
20:26Watch it, babe.
20:29It's a man, that.
20:32It's a what?
20:34Man, look, I'm taking her out for a drink tonight,
20:36so I asked her round here
20:37so that you could make her a nice cup of coffee.
20:39All right, Rodney?
20:40Oh.
20:42Yeah, yeah, OK.
20:43Do you take sugar?
20:54Two, please.
20:54All right.
20:59Mickey, could I have a moment of your time, please?
21:01What's up?
21:02Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform?
21:05She's just come off duty.
21:07Oh, yeah.
21:07You must think I've just come off a banana boat.
21:09What are you playing at?
21:10Look, I've been delivering these films for Boise and I,
21:13so I know where I can sell them.
21:15We've got all the equipment.
21:16Why waste it?
21:17We can cut the middle man out.
21:19I'd like to cut your liver out.
21:20You are not making any films in this flat.
21:24Do you understand?
21:25Both of you.
21:26All right, Rodney.
21:27I need to get out of your prime about it.
21:28All right.
21:29You, sit down.
21:30I'll make you a cup of coffee,
21:31then you can both hit the road.
21:32What is happening?
21:37What the bloody hell is happening?
21:40I've got a cast of thousands.
21:41I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean.
21:44And now I think he wants to make Emmanuel in Peckham.
21:47Oh, this is a bloody nightmare.
21:51Now, Rodney.
21:51Rodney, calm down.
21:54Calm down.
21:55Deep breaths.
21:57Nice and easy, does it.
21:59Take one.
22:00Like nurse, take one.
22:04Baby, let it slip to the ground.
22:08Mickey, you better not be doing...
22:10Oh, no, Mickey.
22:12No, I've got to pull him back.
22:14Oh, bloody hell.
22:18Hold him up.
22:20That's it.
22:22Move him about a bit.
22:24Oh, come on.
22:25Hurry up, Mickey.
22:26Love, he don't like smiling for too long.
22:28OK, everybody.
22:31That's a wrap.
22:32I love you.
22:32Oh, what's I ready for that one?
22:34Oh, dear, sir.
22:35Happy anniversary, dear.
22:36I can always find the anniversary.
22:38Hey, Vic, I'm ready to get a move on.
22:39We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes.
22:41Yes, I'll be with you in just a moment, Mickey.
22:43Yeah, all right.
22:44I'll wait for you down to church, sir.
22:46All right, Rodney.
22:47Shut up.
22:48Oh, please yourself.
22:49Here we go, Rodney.
22:50My son, there is your shirt.
22:52All right?
22:53I don't like this, Del.
22:54You know I don't like this.
22:56I know, I know.
22:56I know.
22:57Here, Del.
22:58We're slipping out of the back room.
22:59Oh, right.
22:59Good, mate.
23:00Yeah.
23:00Hello, Rodney.
23:01All right, mate?
23:02Of all the bars and all the world, you had to walk into mine.
23:05You're in my film as well, man.
23:07Oh, yeah?
23:07Yeah, it's just a little cameo roll, son.
23:09We'll see you in a minute.
23:10Come on, Del.
23:10Come on, come on.
23:11Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:12Come on.
23:13Come on.
23:13Come on in, Albert.
23:14Yeah.
23:14Oh, go on in.
23:15Hurry up, you lot.
23:15It all seems to be going rather well.
23:17Oh, yeah, it's really nice, isn't it, Vicar?
23:20I married the happy couple all those years ago.
23:23Of course, I had hoped by now that the good Lord would have blessed their union with an
23:27offspring or two.
23:29But if it's not to be...
23:31Well, I'd heard that because of the precarious state of the world, Boise and Marlene had decided
23:35against starting a family.
23:38Oh, really?
23:39I heard that Boise was a Jaffa.
23:41Tell me, is it true that you are making a film, Rodney?
23:48Oh, yeah.
23:49We got an Arts Council grant.
23:50Yeah.
23:51Well, I was talking with Derek.
23:53Yeah, I'll give you a bell when we start shooting.
23:56Thank you, my boy.
23:57All right, then, yes.
23:58Have you got a drink?
23:59Yeah, well.
23:59All right, then.
24:00The vicar's in on it now.
24:02What do you want a drink?
24:03Oh, get some beer.
24:03Yeah, come on, everyone.
24:05What's your day?
24:06All right, Trey?
24:07Get dirty, right?
24:08Oh, this is getting bloody stumpy.
24:10All right, gentlemen, would you like to settle down?
24:13Yes, go on and settle down.
24:14Get down here.
24:15Come on, here we go.
24:16I'm in the front.
24:17I'll carry the salsa in a rush.
24:18Right now, the Boise Video and Leisure Arts Company is proud to present the British premiere
24:24of Night Nerds.
24:26Yes, go on.
24:29From the novel by Enid Blyton.
24:32I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.
24:34Oh, here we go.
24:36Oh, that's a bit unexpected, isn't it?
24:40Hey, look at that one.
24:40I've got no sympathy for her, look.
24:42Oh, no, no, no, Dale, that's got to be special effects.
24:45No, no, it's real.
24:46Oh, no, shut up.
24:49It's starting properly now, hang about.
24:51Where do they get these grotty flanks to fill me?
24:56Here.
24:57I've seen that bird before somewhere, eh?
25:00Not one.
25:02No, go on.
25:03Go on, girl.
25:04Let's have a look.
25:05Oh, I've just got a hold here.
25:06I'm tired.
25:06I've just come back from nursing home.
25:09Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
25:11What happened?
25:13Oh, no.
25:14What?
25:15Oh, no, no, no.
25:16Oh, no, no, no.
25:17One of those will do me a week.
25:20How low?
25:21She's got her ear mumps off now, look.
25:24Hello.
25:24Oh, no, no.
25:25Oh, no, no.
25:26Oh, no, no, no.
25:26Oh, no, no.
25:27Oh, no, no, no, no.
25:29Oh, no, no, no.
25:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:31Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:31Rodney!
25:36It was nothing to do with me, Dale.
25:38It was a Mickey Pierce production.
25:39Mickey Pierce?
25:40You wait until I get hold of him.
25:41I'm going to stuff that camera half a mile up his nostril.
25:45Well, then, didn't you have any idea what you were getting yourself into?
25:47Well, I thought Boyce wouldn't be too pleased, you know.
25:49Somebody muscling in on his business and that.
25:51God, you Boyce.
25:54Boyce's not the one that's worrying me.
25:55It's his partners that are giving me grief.
25:57Do you know he's backing in behind this?
25:59Only the Driscoll brothers, that's all.
26:00Have you heard of him?
26:02No.
26:03No?
26:04Well, let's hope they haven't heard of you.
26:06Now, I'm going to see if I can save your knees and make sure they stay in the same place.
26:10I'm going to stuff this lot down a car, see.
26:11You stay there.
26:12Oh, look, Dale, I promise.
26:13Something like this will ever happen again, I promise.
26:18Hello, Rodney.
26:19All right, for a cup of coffee?
26:20Oh, yes.
26:22Do come in, Mickey.
26:23I thought you were friends with me.
26:25Oh, yeah.
26:26Oh, hello.
26:26Pierce, I want to ride you.
26:28Oh, you come here.
26:29You wait.
26:32Oh, I'm easy.
26:33You come here.
26:33I'll get you.
26:39Hello?
26:41Oh, Mr Stevens, hi.
26:43Yeah?
26:44Yeah, and have you had a chance to read it?
26:47Great.
26:48Well, what do you think?
26:49Oh, and please be truthfully blunt with me, okay?
26:52Hey.
26:55Yeah.
26:57Uh-huh.
27:00Yeah, well, that's truthfully blunt, isn't it, Mr Stevens?
27:03Yeah.
27:04Yes, there are a lot of characters in it, yes, but all vital to the theme, I thought.
27:08Yeah, well, I actually wanted to write a film that not only dealt with the contemporary issues,
27:15but also challenged some of the more widely held beliefs of modern youth.
27:20No, there's no problem, because my brother knows where he can get us a rhino.
27:24No, yeah.
27:25Yeah.