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00:00La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
00:07That's the way Rodney. Don't bother helping me get the tea ready.
00:11Just carry on poncing about with that computer.
00:14I'm not poncing about with anything.
00:17In case it slipped that senile shrapnel cluttered brain of yours,
00:21I happen to be studying for a computer diploma course.
00:25Oh, I ain't forgotten, son. I remember you enrolling on a three-month course two years ago.
00:31It happens to be an extremely difficult exam.
00:34Well, you should know. You've failed it often enough.
00:37I have not failed.
00:40Well, in the popular sense of the word.
00:43It's just all the other students have an advantage over me.
00:46Yeah, they all pass.
00:49I mean, they are sent to the evening college by their companies.
00:53All day long, they are working with computers.
00:56Knocking out data and programs, ain't they?
00:58Whereas all day long, I am working with a suitcase.
01:01Knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats.
01:06But even if you get your diploma, what difference will that make to Trotters Independent Traders?
01:11I'm not doing it for Trotters Independent Traders. I'm doing it for me.
01:15This diploma could be my passport to freedom.
01:18A decent job. A future.
01:21I mean, I can't go on for the rest of my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I?
01:25Do you know what he wants me to do?
01:27He wants me to stand in a market flogging raincoats with dry clean only on the label.
01:31Puts the punters right off.
01:35The way Dale was telling the other day, the future's never looked more promising.
01:39Oh, well, but that's all talk, innit?
01:42Haven't you seen the change in him?
01:43He's gone all high-powered and trendy, hasn't he?
01:46I mean, he saw that film Wall Street about six bloody times, didn't he?
01:51And there's a character in that, right, called Gordon Gekko.
01:54Now, he's a real tough, high-flying whiz kid, right?
01:56And Dale wants to be just like him.
01:59He doesn't seem to realise that Gordon Gekko had brains.
02:04Dale thinks all you need is a filofax and a pair of red braces and you're a chairman of the boards.
02:10Still, I will say one thing for him.
02:11He has been very encouraging with this evening college course.
02:14Yeah? How?
02:16Well, he's...
02:18Well, he gives me a lift there every week.
02:26That's the way, Rodney.
02:28Don't bother about stocking up the van for the morning.
02:30You just sit there poncing about with that computer.
02:32Derek, it is my college evening and I am trying to finish my homework.
02:37Oh, yeah.
02:38Oh, yeah.
02:39Ah, no, that's good.
02:40That's very good, that, Rodney.
02:42Yeah, you'll probably get a star for that.
02:44I don't know why you bother, honestly.
02:46You've always been the same, even when you was at school.
02:48Nothing but books, learning, education.
02:51That's why you're no good at snooker.
02:54Pants you a bit of grub, Dale?
02:55No, no, thanks, Albert.
02:57Food is for wimps.
02:58I've got my correspondence to catch up with.
03:01Tough at the top, eh, Dale?
03:02Yeah, don't worry.
03:03We're going to get to the top one day.
03:05Don't worry.
03:05This time next year, we will be millionaires.
03:10See, we're moving already.
03:17This is from the council.
03:18They've received my application to buy this flat and they've given it consideration.
03:22This flat?
03:23Why?
03:24Well, we've been living in it since 1962.
03:27You were born in it.
03:28He was banned from it.
03:31I mean, we're all living in it.
03:32You know, the whole family.
03:34There's mum and grandad and, you know, everyone.
03:39This place holds many warm memories for me.
03:43But why do you want to buy it?
03:44So we can sell it.
03:45Sell it?
03:49What for?
03:50Bloody good profit with a bit of luck.
03:52Exactly.
03:53Exactly.
03:53You see, Rodney, Peckham here is becoming a very trendy area.
03:57I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros.
03:59You know, property prices are booming.
04:01So if we can flog this place to some, you know, chinless wonder for some vastly inordinate sum,
04:07well, that means that we can get a nice little drum out there in a suburb.
04:10Dale, council properties were built so the poorer classes would have somewhere to leave.
04:15If they start selling them to have Hooray Henry's, where are they going to go?
04:20Isha, Orpington, somewhere like that.
04:23But they can't afford to buy houses.
04:26They can when they sold their flats.
04:28Yeah, of course they can.
04:29It's money for an old rope.
04:30Lovely jubbly.
04:31It is immoral.
04:32Oh, shut up, you tarts.
04:36All right.
04:37Think of it from our business point of view, eh?
04:40I mean, this flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it?
04:42I mean, it's 15 minutes from the West End.
04:44He's 15 minutes from the motorway.
04:46And 15 minutes from the Grand.
04:51You're right, Rodney.
04:53You're right.
04:53Never thought of that.
04:54That's a very good selling point.
04:56I'm going to make a note of that.
04:57That could whack on a few grand, Albert.
04:59Yeah, don't worry.
05:01We'll make a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum.
05:04You have got no right to sell this flat over my head.
05:07Oi, do you mind?
05:08Listen, I've been living here for 27 years.
05:10That gives me the right to decide its future.
05:12And I was born here.
05:13That gives me more right than anybody.
05:15You might have been born here, but Del's the one who pays the rent of yours.
05:19Yeah, that's right.
05:21And you take just how much I've paid in rent over the years.
05:24I must have bought this place at least four or five times over.
05:26And yet, not one breeze block belongs to me.
05:31To us.
05:32And all that is going to change.
05:34You're just a snob.
05:35That's who you are.
05:36I am not a snob, Rodney.
05:37I am a realist.
05:39I mean, I've grafted for years, I have, to try to get us a nice little place out there
05:43in the open air.
05:44And look at us.
05:44We're still here in this council-built Lego set.
05:48I mean, I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know.
05:51Breathing in all the fumes from the motorway.
05:53You must have more lead inside you than a butcher's pencil.
05:57And I used to think, God, what is it doing to his little brain?
06:00Too late now, son.
06:02There, you see, that's right.
06:04I'm a fully got...
06:05What do you mean it's too late now?
06:07I mean, you're a full grown man.
06:09Yeah, that's what I was going to say.
06:12Anyway, you've only been paying the rent here since Mum died.
06:15Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
06:17I've been paying the rent here ever since I was old enough to hop the wag.
06:20I was the only one in the family who ever earned any money.
06:23I mean, you just take it.
06:25I mean, there was Mum, bless her, you know.
06:26I mean, she tried, but her elf let her down.
06:30And there was Dad.
06:30He would have loved a job, except he suffered from this sticky mattress.
06:35And there was dear old Grandad, bless him.
06:38He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear.
06:41All the things that we've ever got out of life has come from my intelligence and my foresight.
06:49Well, I'm glad somebody's hung up.
06:55I don't know what you're moaning about.
06:56Life's been a walkover for you.
06:58You've never had to graft for it when you was a kid.
07:00Because I saw to it that you didn't have to.
07:03When I was 11 years old, Rodney, Dad got me two, count them, two paper rounds.
07:07That was me, come rain, sleet or shine.
07:10There was Del Boy every morning, 35 daily sketches, 40 heralds and a spick and span for the weirdo in Marley Road.
07:18And when I delivered them, I went to another shop and started my second round.
07:23Dad always said he'd get me a bike.
07:26Oi, I used to work when I was a kid as well.
07:29When?
07:30When I was 11.
07:32When they were introducing North Sea Gas to the area.
07:34And you got hold of that consignment of do-it-yourself gas conversion kits.
07:40You remember that Sunday you sent me down to Mountbatten Estate with a barrel load of them?
07:45All day long I was down here knocking on doors.
07:47I missed me Sunday dinner and everything.
07:49And not one of the gits down there had the decency to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all electric.
07:59No, I seem to remember you coming back and telling me about that, yeah.
08:03They just kept laughing at me.
08:04I thought it was that stupid flower-powered shirt he used to make me wear.
08:10It was a very beautiful shirt, that, Rodney.
08:12That was horrible.
08:13It was pink with little red poppies all over it.
08:17It was very fashionable, once.
08:19But, Derek, at the time I happened to be covered in chicken pox.
08:24From a distance I looked like I was stripped to the waist.
08:26To this day I will never know what possessed you to send me to that estate.
08:33I mean, you had mates living there.
08:34You must have known it was all electric.
08:37All right, I don't know.
08:39I mean, it was a long time ago I've forgotten about.
08:40All right, so you grafted as well.
08:43He fought and died for his country.
08:45Many times.
08:48Which gives us the right to make a bit of profit out of this flat.
08:51Del, I want to stay in this flat.
08:53Yeah, you can buy it off Del, then.
08:59What's the trouble with you, Rodney?
09:01You don't move with the times.
09:03The world is changing out there.
09:04It's a financial jungle.
09:06It's a question of he who dares wins.
09:08He who hesitates, don't.
09:12Called the survival of the fittest.
09:14No, Unc.
09:15It's called pull the ladder up, Jack, and sod the rest.
09:18There are times when you have to look after yourself, Rodney.
09:21I remember once when I was in the South Pacific.
09:24Oi, don't you dare give me another nautical nightmare.
09:28I've already been through the Adriatic with him once this afternoon.
09:32It's like the adventures of a Dover soul.
09:40All right, Rodney, look, we won't move far away.
09:44There are lots of nice places around this area.
09:47We'll buy a house that befits people like us.
09:50What do you mean, people like us?
09:52Well, yuppies.
09:55I am not a yuppie.
09:58No, no, no, but given time and a little help from me,
10:01and...
10:04Is he supposed to do that?
10:07What are you stopping for?
10:21Copper load of this, bruv.
10:22I mean, this is what you call living.
10:23You know, I bet this guy, I bet it's got a guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi.
10:37What have we got?
10:38A put-you-up, a damp patch and a jacuzzi.
10:41What do you reckon this sort of place goes for, then?
10:44What, I don't know?
10:45Three quarters of a million, maybe more?
10:47We'll be in one of these one day, bruv.
10:50Oh, yeah.
10:51What you got lined up, a decorating job?
10:55No, listen to me.
10:57We just need an half-decent break and we'll be millionaires.
11:01Del, I wouldn't live in this road if you paid me.
11:04It's puntsy, it's immoral.
11:07Moral?
11:07What are you going on about, you dipstick?
11:09Look, you've got something like 18 acres of land here with about 12 families living on it.
11:14Yeah, all these sort of people, they need a bit of space around them, don't they?
11:17I mean, down here, you've got stockbrokers, private doctors, Porsches.
11:24I mean, these are the creme de la month of our community.
11:27You can house thousands of people on this land.
11:30What, more tower blocks?
11:32Of course, if it was left up to you, the only growth industry would be lift repairing.
11:36Every time you go to these evening classes, you come back talking like Ken Livingstone and Arthur Scargill.
11:43Watch it, you'll end up with a funny haircut.
11:46Are you going to drive me to the adult education centre?
11:50Or are we going to stand here all night admiring the privet?
11:54Are you sure the door's closed, Rodney?
11:56Look, Rodney, I want to be successful, but not for the money.
12:09I want the power and the influence that success brings.
12:12And what will you do with all this power and influence?
12:15Spend it.
12:16Go on.
12:41Hurry up, Rodney.
12:42You'll be calling the register in a minute.
12:44Hey, hey, hey.
12:46Mind a road.
12:47Remember what the Green Cross Cove man said?
12:52You were getting on my bloody nerves.
12:56Rodney.
12:57Rodney.
12:58Just remember, if the big boys gang up on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher.
13:02What are you...
13:04Don't lose your dinner money.
13:16Now, there is a bit of me.
13:35I got the trouble to come along.
13:53Well, I can't believe in my song.
13:55I'm going to lose my throat.
13:56It's good to unwind, Nick.
14:18After a hard day in the city, it's good to unwind.
14:27I imagine it must be very tiring.
14:30Tiring?
14:30Tired, yeah.
14:31I'm cream-crackered and that's no lie.
14:34Well, I've been up since six o'clock this morning trying to talk to a bloke in New York.
14:37Why didn't you use a telephone?
14:38No, I've got a telephone and all that, eh?
14:43No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day, you know, wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market.
14:47It ain't all champagne and skittles.
14:49Oh, no.
14:50Buying, selling, you know, making billion-pound decisions.
14:55It's a git of a drive home and all.
14:57What exactly do you buy and sell in the commodities market?
15:01Oh, you know, this and that, whatever's going, you know.
15:03Iron or sugar beet.
15:05I made a killing today on olive oil.
15:07Oh, God knows what Popeye will say when he gets home.
15:12Where do I get you anything?
15:14Yes, sir, please, sir, John.
15:16Bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau.
15:18Yes, sir.
15:20I've got my...
15:21A 79.
15:26Oh, Popeye, you got it, have you?
15:28It was a good one, wasn't it?
15:32Sit, sir.
15:32Sit, sir.
15:37Oh, bloody hell.
15:50And I'm supposed to do all this?
15:54Hello.
15:55Oh.
15:58Hi.
15:59Sorry to interrupt you.
16:00Oh, well, that's all right.
16:02It's just some computer data I've got to put into a program.
16:05It's very complicated.
16:06Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it's no problem.
16:09My name's Rodney.
16:14Cassandra.
16:15Oh, Cassandra.
16:17That's a lovely name.
16:19I just wanted to say...
16:20I'm glad we bumped into each other, because I was trying to find a way of saying hello to you,
16:23and I think it's really, you know, sort of liberated of you to make the first move.
16:27Move?
16:29No, you don't understand.
16:30You've taken my coat.
16:31I'm so sorry.
16:37It's okay.
16:38They're very similar.
16:39It's an easy mistake to make.
16:40This one's yours.
16:42Well, how do you know it's mine?
16:43It's got your name written in it.
16:53Look, I didn't write this.
16:55It's most probably my brother, you know, his idea of a joke.
16:58Well, whatever.
16:59We've sorted it out now.
17:01Yeah.
17:04Well, nice meeting you.
17:06Oh, yeah, and Joe.
17:26Cassandra?
17:26I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink.
17:31Oh, I'm sorry.
17:31I'm going out with a friend tonight.
17:33Oh, well, never mind.
17:35Um, can I walk you to your car?
17:38Oh, thank you.
17:39Pleasure.
17:42Here we are.
17:46I thought it was...
17:47Thank you for getting me here safely.
17:52I think nothing of it.
17:54It's a nice car.
17:56It's my father's.
17:58Do you live round there?
17:59Blackheath.
18:00How about you?
18:01Ah, Peckham.
18:02Where are you parked?
18:05Oh, no, I lent my car to my brother.
18:07Well, I wish I hadn't now, after what he wrote in my coat, the little...
18:11arsehole.
18:12I'll get a bus down the Terminus.
18:14I'm going past the Terminus, if you'd like a lift.
18:16Oh, thank you.
18:17Rodney.
18:25Rodney.
18:26I think someone's calling you.
18:28Really?
18:30Over here.
18:31Hung about for you.
18:32Give your lift on.
18:35Oh, yeah, that's...
18:36someone I know.
18:40Well.
18:42Thanks for the offer, anyway.
18:44Okay.
18:45Bye.
18:46Yeah.
18:48Bye.
18:52Who's the tart?
18:58What's your game?
18:59Listen, all I say, who's the tart?
19:05What's the matter with you?
19:08He figured it out.
19:10What's the matter?
19:11Has he given you lines or something?
19:13Why did you write my name inside that ring?
19:15Well, because Mum said to me on her deathbed,
19:17why did you write it, you gits?
19:19Right, all right.
19:21She said to me,
19:22make sure you'll always write Rodney's name in his clothes,
19:24that way no one will nick him.
19:26And I was just giving him a promise.
19:27I was so embarrassed.
19:29Yeah, but no one nicked your coat, did they?
19:33Oh, come on.
19:34Come on, honey, who's only a joke, you touchy-thod?
19:37Come on, come on, have a drink.
19:38Come on.
19:38Over here, look.
19:39I've got some wine and some of that funny water.
19:42Right.
19:43I never thought I'd like a spitzer, you know,
19:45but I've got right into it now.
19:48Hey, how you try that?
19:50Good stuff.
19:50Cheers, Rod.
19:52What are you still doing, Leo?
19:53Ah, well, when I dropped you,
19:55I followed these two yuppie sorts.
19:58You know, told them a few jokes,
19:59flashed me file of facts,
20:00knocked them bandy.
20:02And where are they?
20:03They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago
20:05and ain't come back yet.
20:05Still, never mind, never mind.
20:08There's plenty more in the sea,
20:10plenty more where they came from, ain't there?
20:12Hey, so we're...
20:13Oh, that's an idea.
20:15Why don't we pull ourselves a couple of sorts
20:17and go on to a club, like, you know what I mean?
20:19No, not me, too, I'm not.
20:21Oh, come on, you're not going home already, are you?
20:23No, not with Albert there.
20:25Last thing I need right now is another battle of the Baltic.
20:28Look, stick them in a van for me, would you?
20:30I'll see you later.
20:31Yeah, yeah, all right, bruv.
20:32Yeah, I will, yeah.
20:32Excuse me, are you eating?
20:38No, I'm nibbling it.
20:41Oh, no, no, no, no.
20:43Our bistro's just open,
20:44I was wondering if you'd like a table for dinner.
20:46Oh, dinner, no thanks, no thanks, John.
20:47No, dinner is for wimps, you know what I mean?
20:54And tonight's lucky winner is...
20:57The chick sitting at the corner table.
20:59Now, you've got no chance with her, Jeremy.
21:01I've seen five blokes ask her for a dance
21:04and she gave them all a blend.
21:05No, five ordinary mortals, she hasn't met me yet.
21:08Just listen to her.
21:09Well, you carry on, Jevon.
21:11Me and Mickey will prepare the altar.
21:13I'll wait to you as I leave.
21:15Don't forget, will you?
21:17Jevon, he does the business, though, doesn't he, Rodney, eh?
21:20Still, I taught him everything he knows.
21:23I'm turning up, Mickey.
21:24Last time you went out with a bird,
21:26you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert.
21:28What's the matter with you, anyway?
21:32You've got a foil or a pimple or something?
21:34Yeah, sort of.
21:36It's called Del Boy.
21:37Oh, yeah, yeah.
21:38He's getting a bit noncy, isn't he, lately?
21:40I see him walking down the Ys Street the other day
21:42with his filer packs all up in front of him.
21:45You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march.
21:48Yeah, well, he only uses it for business, don't he?
21:50And what about that green coat of his, eh?
21:53Oh, looks a right poultice, doesn't it?
21:55Well, personally, I think he looks very smart.
21:57Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
21:58He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy.
22:01I'll tell him next time I see him.
22:03I'm sure he'll find a way of showing his gratitude.
22:06You don't have to tell him, do you?
22:07It's only a joke, innit?
22:11I don't believe it!
22:13Looks like Jevon has fallen on stony ground.
22:17She's a lesbian.
22:35She probably likes a direct approach
22:38instead of all that old fanny you've given.
22:40Watch the master and learn.
22:44The thing is, I never know whether to believe him.
22:47He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type.
22:50You don't know him like I do.
22:51Do you want to dodge?
22:52No.
22:53Right.
22:57She's definitely a lesbian.
23:01Oh, don't be stupid, Nicky.
23:03You're all busy down a town hall.
23:07She danced with me.
23:08That's what we like about you, Rodney.
23:13We're always guaranteed a laugh.
23:16Look, I'm a first-hand and lateral chatting,
23:19and this is God's foster, son.
23:20So what chance has a whale like you got?
23:24I bet you she'll dance with me.
23:25Oh, you bet, do you?
23:27Right, tell us if she don't.
23:29I'll have some of that.
23:31That's a score.
23:32Cover the bet, Rodney.
23:34All right, I will.
23:39Before you ask her to dance,
23:40why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver?
23:44Right, one score.
23:46You don't come to a disco
23:47expecting to make a profit, do you?
23:49That's very true, Michael.
23:52I'll see you too later.
23:55He said he had a holiday home near Marbella.
23:58Turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheffield.
24:00Why didn't you say so?
24:01Yes.
24:02He said distance was relative.
24:05Well, I suppose he's got a point.
24:06I mean, compared to somewhere like Melbourne,
24:08the Isle of Sheffield is near Marbella.
24:11Hi.
24:12Hello.
24:13Again.
24:45Hey, Trig. Trig, huh?
24:48Trig, over here.
24:49What's in there, boy?
24:50Oh, yeah.
24:52What's you doing here?
24:53Well, I'm always here. I'm a regular here now.
24:55Here, John, get my mate a pint and a lager, will you?
24:58I'm afraid we don't serve beers, sir.
25:01Oh, yeah, no, that's right. Yeah, I remember now, yeah.
25:04Yeah, there was no call for it, so they knocked it on the head.
25:07Do you fancy a spit, sir?
25:08Yeah, I'll give it a try.
25:10Anyway, what are you doing down here, Trig?
25:12I thought you'd be in the old next head.
25:13Yeah, I was, but Mike's just barred me.
25:16Barred you? What for?
25:17He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies.
25:21What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
25:23I don't even like pork pies.
25:26Oh, he's getting right out of order, that bloke. He really is.
25:29I'm thinking of suing him for def...
25:31definite...
25:33Slander?
25:35Yeah.
25:38I wouldn't worry about it, Trig. I wouldn't worry.
25:39He's done you a favour, actually.
25:41No, he really has. I mean, you look round here.
25:43This place is full of yuppie sorts.
25:47Yeah, we can't go wrong here.
25:48All we've got to do is learn their language.
25:50Why, they're foreign, then?
25:53No, no, no, no.
25:54It's just that they're yuppies.
25:55They don't speak proper English like what we do.
25:58I mean, I've been here holding them.
25:59It's all ya, super and fab and all that game.
26:02Yeah.
26:02And they love to talk about money.
26:04It's their favourite subject.
26:06I mean, you chat about money and you can't fail to impress them.
26:09Yeah.
26:09Yeah, God's honest.
26:13I saw one of them old £5 notes the other day.
26:16Come here, come here, Trig, Trig.
26:23No, no, no, no, mate.
26:25I don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
26:28I mean, you've just got to talk about your wealth.
26:30Yeah, but I ain't got none of that.
26:32Neither have half of these.
26:33They're all living in sin with their flexible friends.
26:35I just mean you've got to chat about it.
26:38You've just got to talk.
26:41Look, I'll show you how it's done.
26:42Look, watch me.
26:43Watch this.
26:49Ha!
26:50It's all good when you're in a high-profile business, isn't it, girls?
26:54Really?
26:54Yeah.
26:55Of course, I'm in stocks and shares meself.
26:57Yeah, I bought a few thousand shares in a little department store this afternoon.
27:00Now I've got to phone my lawyer and my accountant.
27:03Gives you the ump, doesn't it?
27:04Excuse me, sorry.
27:06How do you spell arids?
27:09Capital A.
27:10Capital A.
27:14Oh, I see.
27:15I see, all right.
27:16Beam me up, snotty.
27:21It's all you need, isn't it, eh?
27:22Yeah.
27:23Yeah, have this.
27:24I don't want it.
27:24Thanks.
27:25Thanks.
27:34See you later, Mickey.
27:39Rodney?
27:40Rodney!
27:41Hang on.
27:42What's happening, then, eh?
27:43What's she all about?
27:44Her name is Cassandra.
27:46She lives in Blackheath.
27:47And she is giving me a lift home.
27:50She's got a car?
27:51No, she's giving me a crossbar.
27:53I thought she's got a car.
27:56We're dropping her friend off first.
27:57She lives next door to Cassandra.
27:59If you're going to Blackheath, you can give me a lift home, then, eh?
28:01No.
28:02Oh, go on.
28:03I'm going to a club over, Blackheath.
28:04Just drop us off somewhere, and I'll walk the rest of the way.
28:07No, because, um, well, she's only got a two-seater.
28:11Yeah, if she's got a two-seater, how come she's taking you and her mate?
28:15No, look, Mickey...
28:16Jevon, we're off.
28:22You better not nauseous up for me, Mickey.
28:25Don't worry, I'll be on my double-best behaviour.
28:27The perfect gentleman.
28:28You better be.
28:29Promise.
28:30What's her friend's name?
28:31Emma.
28:32She'll do it too.
28:33Don't get me hungry.
28:44You see, nowadays, these mock-euro birds,
28:46they go for the more mature men who've made it in life.
28:50Yeah?
28:50Is that why we're having no luck?
28:52No, no, no.
28:53I haven't started yet.
28:55Just building myself up to it.
28:57Yeah, well, you better hurry up.
28:58It'll be closing time soon.
29:00All right, all right.
29:01All right.
29:01I think we're on a winner here, Trey.
29:14All right.
29:15Play it nice and cool, son.
29:17Nice and cool, you know what I mean?
29:18Trick up, trick, trick up.
29:42We're leaving.
29:43Aren't you going to try for them birds?
29:48No, no, you're cramping my style, mate.
29:50You're cramping my style.
29:57Me and Rodney live near each other.
29:59Do you know the new area estate, Peckham?
30:01No, can't say I've ever heard of it, no.
30:02Well, it's a rather lively place,
30:04especially when a militant's older Mardi Gras, eh, Rodney?
30:07You two live in Black Eve?
30:10Yes.
30:11Hey, have you heard of a drink around there called the Down By The Riverside Club?
30:14No, can't say I've ever heard of that either.
30:17Where is it?
30:18Oh, well, it's, uh, Down By The Riverside, innit?
30:22I've heard of it.
30:24It's got a terrible reputation, full of unsavoury characters.
30:27Well, I'm a member.
30:28Beg your pardon?
30:30That's all right, darling.
30:31I didn't even hear it.
30:34I didn't even hear it.
30:36Oh, please, God.
30:38All right, fair enough.
30:39You get a few unsavoury characters, get in there,
30:42but we enjoy ourselves.
30:44So do lynch mobs.
30:45Oh, me too.
30:46Just for that, I'm not going to let you give me a kiss goodnight.
30:49Oh, God.
30:54Here we are.
30:59Night, Rodney.
31:03Night, Emma.
31:09Hey, Rodney.
31:10Clock the houses.
31:11Yeah.
31:12Nice, eh?
31:14Nice?
31:14You've got to be talking 300k.
31:17Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra
31:19when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, innit?
31:24Anyway, I'd better walk it from here, eh?
31:26I'll see you, Rodney.
31:28Night, Cassandra.
31:29Goodnight, Emma.
31:31Love you.
31:35Goodnight.
31:39Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
31:41Don't be silly.
31:41We all have friends who are over the top, shall we say?
31:44Yeah.
31:45He's probably still upset about losing his money.
31:48How do you do that?
31:49Well, you remember when I asked you to dance?
31:51I did it for a bit.
31:54Well, no, I didn't mean it like that.
31:56He said I wouldn't have the guts to ask you, but, well, I did.
32:01I get the feeling that hidden in that statement somewhere there's a compliment.
32:05Yeah.
32:06Big compliment.
32:07All right, then.
32:09I suppose we'd better be getting you back to, what was it called?
32:12The near-area estate.
32:14I don't live in a near-area estate.
32:16I thought Mickey said.
32:17Mickey lives on a near-area estate.
32:19I live near it.
32:20Well, past it.
32:21Well, quite a long way past it.
32:22What a lovely road you live in.
32:37Yes, it's quite nice.
32:40Oh, here we are.
32:44You lucky thing.
32:45What a great house.
32:46Oh, I don't notice it really, you know.
32:49Just a place to lay my head.
32:52Oh, good.
32:54My brother got the car home safely.
32:57Well, thanks for the live, Cassandra.
33:00Pleasure.
33:01Oh, well, I'll give you my number.
33:05You can give me a ring.
33:07You know, if you like.
33:10Thanks.
33:12Well, good night.
33:14Night.
33:15Good night, Rodney.
33:27Yes, of course.
33:28Please try the way.
33:50Oh, my God.
34:07Hi.
34:10Hi.
34:14He's Cassandra, go.
34:20Oh, my God.
34:50Cosmic.
34:58Cos-bloody-mic.
35:14Dale.
35:16Dale, boy.
35:21Dale.
35:24What do you want to do that for, you soppy old duffer?
35:28Bloody hell, I don't realise my own strength.
35:31It's got nothing to do with your strength.
35:34I was having a few drinks earlier this evening in a very trendy wine bar
35:38with some of my yuppie friends and I happened to fall arse over head.
35:42You're going to do yourself a lot of damage, if you ain't careful.
35:47I've already done myself a lot of damage.
35:50I mean, you're not eating.
35:52Eating's for wimps.
35:53And you're drinking so much, you're falling down in boozes.
35:56I wasn't drinking.
35:57In fact, I was on some very trendy, funny-tasting wine with...
36:02Oh, forget it.
36:03I'm getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen.
36:06Do you want me to chuck anything else down the chute?
36:08Not unless you're feeling in a kamikaze mood.
36:11Why don't you let me do you some grub, eh?
36:16Yeah, all right, Uncle.
36:17I'm feeling a bit hungry.
36:19Do me a health-conscious fry-up, will you?
36:31I don't care what they say, you can't whack the who.
36:41All right?
36:52What?
36:53I said, all right?
36:56Terrific.
37:00What's it like, Al?
37:04There's a few spots of rain in the air.
37:07Yeah?
37:08Might help us shift some of those raincoats, mightn't it?
37:11Blimey, that one's shrunk, hasn't it?
37:16Come on, let's have it here.
37:19Did you have a good night?
37:21Not too bad.
37:22Oh, good.
37:23I stayed on at the wine bar.
37:26See, it's very nice.
37:27My sort of place, that, you know.
37:29And then I went on for a drink down by the riverside.
37:32Yeah.
37:33Actually, I, uh...
37:35Reminds me, I met that Mickey Pierce.
37:36He came in, you know, right at the last knockings.
37:38And he told me that you'd met this posh tart, and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
37:45That's right.
37:47Or she got a convertible.
37:48No.
37:52I asked her to drop me off halfway.
37:53I fancied a walk.
37:55What, in this weather?
37:57Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain.
38:00Yes, I know, but they're usually recaptured very quickly.
38:03Del?
38:07Yeah?
38:08This bottle's empty.
38:09That's all right, it's no problem.
38:10Chuck it in the rubbish.
38:15It's all right, Rod, you can't hide the truth from me.
38:17I know what happened tonight.
38:19I can read you like a book.
38:21You know nothing, Del, so keep it out.
38:23I know nothing.
38:25I know...
38:25Right.
38:26All right then, my son, come on.
38:27Listen, I've got 20 notes here.
38:29Look, there they are.
38:30That says that I can guess what happened tonight.
38:33Go on then, you cover that.
38:34All right.
38:35Go on then.
38:36Noel, tell me.
38:39All right.
38:41That Mickey Pearce said that this Cassandra sort lived in a right nice drum.
38:47Yeah, so?
38:48So, this is what I think happened.
38:52You saw her house, and the snob in you came racing to the surface, and you thought,
39:00Oh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela?
39:04Help!
39:07So, on your way home, you made her drive up some right posh road, somewhere like King's Avenue,
39:16and then you stopped at some right nice little mansion, and you pretended that's where you lived.
39:24You didn't have to talk a load of rubbish.
39:25Is that the truth?
39:27Yes.
39:27Thank you very much indeed.
39:30That's it, Rodney, you see.
39:32You like an open book, my son.
39:34And it's thicker than my filofax.
39:38Double your money.
39:39Try to get rich.
39:40See?
39:40I'll file your bloody facts.
39:50Still raining?
39:52No, I took a shortcut through a car wash.
39:55All right, boy, don't have a go at me.
39:57I only asked.
39:59I'll chuck this stuff down a chute.
40:03Hang on.
40:04Dry yourself off.
40:06And don't be ashamed of where you live, Rodney.
40:08Look, I want better than this, but I'm not ashamed of it.
40:11Oh, but, Dill, you should have seen her road.
40:14There weren't one window boarded up.
40:16All the lampposts worked.
40:18I mean, what would she have thought if she'd have come back here, eh?
40:21No, I'd just keep driving straight past the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra,
40:25and I'll have just before the next barricade.
40:29I know how you feel, Rodney.
40:30I've been through the same emotions myself.
40:33You?
40:34Yes, me.
40:35Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago, I met this bird, and, er...
40:40Yeah, she...
40:42She was from Texas.
40:44What, the do-it-yourself place?
40:51No.
40:52No, Texas in America.
40:54Yeah, the...
40:54Old man was an old baron or something.
40:57She had one of these long, double-barreled funny names,
40:59like Ellie May or something like that.
41:01Where would you meet an old baron's daughter?
41:04Well, I was working when I was in the Tower of London.
41:06I was doing the old happy snaps, you know.
41:09Second-hand brownie, no film, pound a go, lovely jubbly.
41:12Anyway, she was there, you see,
41:14and she asked me to take a picture of her and the beefeater
41:17and one of these, um...
41:19one of these crow things, right?
41:20So, anyway, I started to chat her up, like, you know,
41:23and I offered a show around London.
41:25So, anyway, after a little while,
41:29we fell deeply in love with each other.
41:34God, what was her name now?
41:37Anyway, it doesn't matter.
41:38Anyway, you know what she said to me one day?
41:41Where's my picture?
41:46No, she didn't say that, no.
41:47In fact, she paid me a very great compliment.
41:51She said when she met me,
41:52it reminded her of the day that President Kennedy died.
41:55And that's the nicest compliment you've ever had.
42:00Yeah, but don't you see what she meant?
42:02No.
42:03Well, I like to think that she meant that
42:05everyone remembers where they were
42:08the day they met Dale Trotter.
42:13She might not have meant that.
42:15What else could she have meant?
42:16Well, I don't know.
42:18Perhaps she meant you look...
42:19Yeah, you look like Lee Harvey Oswald.
42:21I don't look like Lee Harvey Bleedon Oswald.
42:26God, who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
42:29He's the bloke that shot Kennedy.
42:32You look a bit like him, Dale.
42:33No, I don't.
42:35No, of course you don't.
42:36You look nothing like him.
42:37I'll get you a grub.
42:38Yeah.
42:39So, anyway, what's you and Peggy Sue
42:42got to do with me and Cassandra?
42:44Well, she wanted to see where I lived.
42:46And I had the same struggle with my conscience
42:48as you've had.
42:50I was frightened if I brought her back here,
42:51she might think less of me.
42:53So you didn't?
42:54No, I did.
42:56When?
42:57Well, it was one Sunday years ago now.
43:01Well, where was I?
43:03You was down at Mountbatten Estate
43:04selling them gas conversion kits.
43:08You bastards!
43:12You sent me all the way down here
43:14knowing I had chicken pox
43:15just so as you and Annie bloody Oakley
43:17could have a flat to yourselves.
43:19That wasn't like that, was it?
43:20It wasn't like that.
43:21I was trying to present you with a challenge.
43:23What, selling gas conversion kits
43:24on an all-electric estate?
43:26That is a challenge and art.
43:29No, it's all right.
43:30Listen, I'll tell you the truth.
43:32All right, so I wanted to get rid of you
43:33for a couple of hours.
43:34I mean, I was, well, you know,
43:36I was serious about her
43:37and wanted to make a good impression.
43:39And I just thought, well,
43:40bringing her back to this tower block's bad enough,
43:42but I mean, if she saw you in that dopey shirt
43:45and all them Randolph Scots all over your face,
43:48I mean, that'd be good night Vienna, wouldn't it?
43:52So she come back here?
43:55Yeah.
43:56Gave her a pot of tea
43:58and a lion's Victoria sponge.
44:03It was very nice.
44:06Did she, you know,
44:07think anything less of you?
44:10I don't know.
44:11I never saw her again.
44:13I mean, she went home.
44:14You know, her holiday had finished.
44:16Did she write to you?
44:16God, blimey, look at it.
44:21He's bucking him down out there.
44:22Look, isn't it, eh?
44:23Here you are, dear boy.
44:25Oi, some little bird phoned with you
44:28about 15 minutes ago.
44:29I think she'd been on drugs.
44:32She said, you left your coat in the back of her car
44:34and she's taken it back to your house in the Kings Avenue.
44:39People there had never heard of you.
44:41You cunning gig!
44:44No, no, no!
44:45Oh, no, no!
44:45Give me that money back!
44:46No, no, no!
44:47Stop it!
44:47Now, stop it!
44:50Now, now, calm down.
44:51You've learned a very valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
44:55Don't gamble!
44:56Because you never know when the cards are stacked.
44:59I said, of course they never heard of him.
45:01He don't live in the Kings Avenue.
45:03He lives on an iwery estate.
45:06You told her where I lived?
45:10Well, bango's another dream.
45:12No, ain't necessarily so, bruv.
45:14It ain't necessarily so.
45:17So she phoned up,
45:19left her phone number
45:20and said that she'd be there till midnight
45:21so you could phone her back.
45:23You're kidding.
45:24She said she wants to hear from you tonight
45:26because she's going out to Morro
45:28to buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert.
45:31I bet it's wet, wet, wet.
45:38Yeah, I'll bet.
45:39Ah, cheers, Dale.
45:40Oi, what's your number?
45:42In my file effect.
45:46James!