Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
RETRO TV
  • 6 days ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00What do you reckon?
00:05They're all right, aren't they?
00:07Don't half look alike.
00:09They're identical twins.
00:10Yeah?
00:11Which one do you fancy?
00:13I'm easy.
00:16Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror?
00:21Nah, they're sisters or something.
00:22They've been here before.
00:24Go on then.
00:27What?
00:28Say something.
00:31What?
00:33I don't know, anything.
00:36Like what?
00:38Just say the first thing that comes into your head.
00:41It's easy.
00:44All right, then if it's so easy, you say something.
00:48What?
00:50Anything.
00:51It's easy.
00:52All right, then I will.
00:55Well, go on then.
00:57I will.
00:58I will.
01:00Oi!
01:02It's Sam.
01:04Here I are.
01:07Was that it?
01:09Yeah.
01:10Oi?
01:11Yeah.
01:12You're all right, little John Travolton when you get going, isn't you?
01:16I looked, didn't I?
01:17Of course I looked.
01:18Someone just shouted oi at him.
01:21Hold up.
01:22Who are you looking over here?
01:24Hello.
01:25Think we've cracked it, Mickey, my son.
01:30What's it, Rodders?
01:31All right, Michael, my son?
01:32Who are you two after?
01:35Not the gruesome twosome, are you?
01:37All right.
01:38I mean, all right.
01:39Look, they're so ugly, they even look alike.
01:42Still, they happen to be two sisters.
01:45Oh, sisters.
01:46Yeah.
01:47Oi, girls.
01:48Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding.
01:49Ha!
01:52See, Cinderella?
01:53The lovely sisters, isn't it, Rodders?
01:56Anyway, look, I won't hang about because I don't want to spoil your chances.
02:00Hello, darling, you all right?
02:01Are you still working at Sainsbury's?
02:03See ya.
02:03Just a minute.
02:07I'll say you Tuesday, then.
02:09Say you Tuesday.
02:09Come on, darling.
02:14Come on, darling.
02:15Come on.
02:16Come on, darling.
02:23I hate me.
02:26Love you.
02:28I didn't want to do it.
02:31You OK, love?
02:32I don't...
02:33Who is it?
02:34Shall I find you a cab?
02:36Nah, there'll be a bus along in a minute, my lovely.
02:39No.
02:40No, they ain't got no buses going along here.
02:43No, they cut the route in about 1973.
02:46Get you a nice taxi, eh?
02:48No, no.
02:49I should be all right.
02:51Hey, careful.
02:53What are you doing?
02:54I was just steadying you, that's all.
02:57You touched me.
02:59Eh?
02:59I've read about your sort.
03:01Oi, I'm doing.
03:02I was just trying to stop you from falling flat on your face.
03:04I'll have the police on you.
03:06You touched me.
03:07No, I didn't.
03:08Honest.
03:09Help!
03:10What are you doing?
03:11You've got a fun shout.
03:12You touched me.
03:14No, no, it's all right, because, um, I'm a doctor.
03:21You're not a doctor.
03:23I am.
03:24I am, really.
03:26All right, say, ah.
03:27Howdy hell.
03:32Look, I tell you what, I'm just going back to the van, right, to get a thermometer, all right?
03:39Listen, it's like, listen.
03:41Listen.
03:41Help!
03:42Help!
03:42Right!
03:43Right!
03:44Help!
03:45Help!
03:45Help!
03:45There, boy, your breakfast ready.
03:54Yeah, hang on a minute.
03:55Come on, Rodney.
03:56It's on the table.
03:59Nothing like a traditional British breakfast, is there?
04:02That's right.
04:03That's right.
04:05God.
04:07Why don't you try cooking one every now and then?
04:11Blimey.
04:12Looks like a bad day at the Blue Cross.
04:14Is it all right last night?
04:17Hmm?
04:18Yeah, of course.
04:19Why?
04:19Well, when Rodney come in, he was behaving very strangely.
04:24He was all trembling and sweating.
04:27Nah, he's probably all right, don't worry.
04:29It's just the start of the mating season.
04:32No, Del, something's up.
04:34Ain't you eating that?
04:36Hey, ah, no, Grandadsy, I'm on diet.
04:40Whoops.
04:41Rodney, your breakfast ready?
04:50Ah, all right, Rodders?
04:52What do you mean, all right?
04:54No, I ain't no, I'm just all right, Rodders.
04:57Yeah.
04:57Well, fine, why shouldn't I be all right?
04:59No reason.
05:00I just said, like, all right, Rodders.
05:02Like I say, you know, all right every morning, don't I?
05:04Yeah, sorry.
05:07It's all right.
05:09What did you do when you left the pub last night?
05:11What makes you think I did something?
05:12Gordon!
05:13Bennett!
05:15No, I mean, I just asked you, like, if you went on anywhere, if you met anyone or anything.
05:19No.
05:19No, I didn't.
05:20I'd come straight home.
05:21Didn't meet anyone, didn't talk to anyone.
05:24Very uneventful journey.
05:25That's all right, as long as you enjoyed yourself.
05:27Come on, get that down.
05:28Come on, we've got to get away early.
05:30Got to pick up the van from the nag's head.
05:31Why?
05:32Hey, well, when we fell out of the pub last night,
05:34the whole area was teeming with the old bill.
05:38I mean, they were all there.
05:39There was the flying squad, like, Alsatians.
05:42The SGB.
05:44Anyway, I thought to myself, I thought,
05:45well, there's no way I'm driving home through that lot,
05:47not with me, like, being soppy as a sack.
05:49So, you know, I've got a cab.
05:52Did they have a clear description of him?
05:53Who?
05:54The man they were after.
05:56He said it was after a man.
05:58Well, I'll just assume they were looking for someone.
06:01See what I mean?
06:03Yeah.
06:06All right, Rodney.
06:07Don't sit down.
06:08Something's bothering you, isn't there?
06:10No.
06:11Has somebody threatened you?
06:13If they have you tell me their name,
06:14and I'll go and sort them out before we go to the market.
06:18It's nothing like that.
06:20You might as well tell us sooner as later, Rodney.
06:22It'll save a lot of time.
06:24Oh, it's probably nothing.
06:29My journey home last night
06:32weren't as uneventful as I made out.
06:34There was this woman.
06:38Look, she weren't feeling very well, see?
06:40I don't know what was wrong with her,
06:42but she stunk her booze.
06:44So I stopped, right,
06:46to ask if she wanted any assistance,
06:48and she started acting all sort of odd.
06:52Odd?
06:52Yeah, um...
06:55Screaming.
06:58Shouting things.
07:00What kind of things?
07:02Oh, things like, um...
07:04Rape.
07:06You know, that sort of thing.
07:10So, uh, to try and reassure her
07:13and calm her down,
07:14I told her I was a doctor.
07:16You told her you were a...
07:18You didn't give her a prescription or nothing, did you?
07:21No, no, nothing like that.
07:23Why was she accusing you of these things?
07:27Well, um...
07:28I think, cos at one point, right,
07:30she stumbled forward,
07:31so I put me hands out to stop, you know.
07:34I didn't touch her.
07:36Well, no, obviously I did touch her,
07:39but I didn't...
07:40You know, honest.
07:41All right, all right, Whitney.
07:45OK, take it nice and easy, all right?
07:48Just...
07:49This is going to take a bit of working out.
07:52What did this woman look like?
07:55Uh, well, she was, uh, blonde,
07:57uh, 45,
07:59and her hair had black roots
08:00and, uh, purple fingernails,
08:03and she was really heavily made up.
08:06Did she call you my lovely?
08:09Yeah.
08:10Do you know her?
08:11No, no, no, no, you didn't catch her...
08:13You didn't catch her name or nothing, did you?
08:16No.
08:17Oh, she was wearing an identity necklace,
08:20and it said something like...
08:22Blossom.
08:23Honestly, I did not touch her, I swear to God.
08:34You expect me to believe that?
08:39Yes!
08:40All right, let's go through the facts, shall we?
08:43After a night's drinking,
08:45on your way home, you meet a sick woman.
08:49And instead of phoning for an ambulance,
08:51like any right-minded citizen,
08:52you touch her!
08:54What do you think, you've got healing hands?
08:58I don't believe you're saying this to me.
09:01No, no, no, this is not me, Rodney.
09:02This is what the council for the prosecution
09:04will say during his cross-examination.
09:07You don't think it'll go to court?
09:09Oh, it's a pound to a penny, Rodney.
09:11I mean, the police don't let matters like this drop lightly.
09:15Well, Old Bailey would be my bet.
09:18The case of the Peckham Ponsor.
09:22Who called me the Peckham Ponsor?
09:24The police did, last night.
09:26You see, at the time, well, I didn't think nothing of it.
09:29Why don't you give yourself up, Rodney?
09:32What? I ain't giving myself up.
09:35Have you ever seen some of them detectives
09:37give someone a third degree on the telly?
09:39Well, one of them pretends
09:40he really wants to beat you up bad, right?
09:42And the other one pretends to be Mr. Nice.
09:44So it's, you know...
09:45Yeah, perhaps you're right.
09:47After all, you've got form, ain't you?
09:49I mean, you still ain't finished
09:50that two years suspended yet.
09:54Oh, I'd forgotten about that.
09:58It's the others what worry me.
10:00What others?
10:01Well, last night, there were mobs of vigilantes
10:04roaming the streets
10:05and they were chatting things like
10:07lynch him, lynch him.
10:12At the time, I didn't think nothing much of it.
10:16Well, maybe it'd be better if I did give myself up then.
10:19Cos all I've got is circumstantial evidence.
10:22Circumstantial?
10:23A sick woman is attacked at night
10:25by a known criminal posing as a doctor?
10:27Do you know what they'd call me
10:31if I went in the nick?
10:34I'd be a beast.
10:37Beast?
10:39Well, that's what the other prisoners
10:40call people like me.
10:43Everywhere I went,
10:44the walls would be whispering,
10:46Beast.
10:48Beast.
10:49There'd be posses of them
10:51waiting for me in the shower room.
10:53There'd be razors in me soap.
10:55There'd be broken glass in me porridge.
10:58Oh, you'll soon learn to adapt, right?
11:03No, it's not fair, Del.
11:05I swear to God, I didn't touch her.
11:07I was only trying to help.
11:08All right, Wendy.
11:09All right, now, come on.
11:10Take it easy, eh?
11:11Relax, all right?
11:13Now, listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
11:14I'm going to go out and put my ear to the ground,
11:15see what I can find out.
11:16In the meantime, I want you to go and get some kip.
11:19And above all,
11:21stop worrying.
11:24Yeah.
11:24I am innocent, Del.
11:27Honest.
11:29I believe you.
11:32So do I, Wendy.
11:34Do you reckon he'd done it, Del?
11:48Leave it again, then.
12:05All he's done is just bumped into Blossom, that's all.
12:08I don't understand you.
12:09Well, she's well known for this sort of thing.
12:12She's as nutty as a fruitcake.
12:15She spends most of her time in the happy home.
12:18They only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice.
12:20Don't you think she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing?
12:25Yes.
12:26It's her hobby.
12:28She's well known to the police.
12:30But why didn't you tell young Rodney?
12:33What, spoil all the fun?
12:35No way.
12:36I'm going to wind him right up with this one.
12:39By this time tomorrow evening,
12:40I'll have him believing that all the flats are under siege.
12:44You want to be a bit careful, Del boy.
12:46A joke's a joke, but you never know when to stop.
12:49What about that April Fool's Day?
12:51You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won half a million.
12:56Yeah, that was a belter of it.
12:59Oh, wonderful.
13:01But you could at least have stopped me going up west with me pension money.
13:06Oh, it wasn't funny, Del.
13:09I mean, there was I in a solo nightclub drinking champagne
13:12with a bird called Camilla,
13:14and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools.
13:21Stop it!
13:22You should have seen his little face.
13:34There was a picture.
13:35I wish that had a camera.
13:36How could he swallow that, eh?
13:38Well, you know Rodney, don't you?
13:39He said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee.
13:42I said, you don't worry about that.
13:43You want to form an escape committee.
13:44I said,
13:44I thought everyone round here knew what old Blossom was like.
13:51She accused my cousin once.
13:53Who's that?
13:53Young Sydney?
13:54No, Marilyn.
13:56There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a tomboy.
13:59Oh, yeah.
13:59It was a crew cut braces and a pipe last time I saw her.
14:03Are you still up at Greenham Common?
14:05Yeah.
14:05Are you playing Trigger?
14:06No.
14:08Of course, this Blossom person is completely loopy, you know.
14:12Oh, yes.
14:13I don't think they should be allowed out.
14:14Oh, yeah.
14:15Why, yeah?
14:15Well, it might be a danger to the public.
14:18Still selling them second-hand cars, Boise.
14:21Oh, yeah.
14:22I knocked out a couple to...
14:24Of course, I have heard.
14:30She receives electrode treatment, you know.
14:33Oh, yes.
14:34Every few months or so,
14:35they take her away and plug her head into the national grid.
14:39The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford.
14:43Yeah, but they reckon she's as sane as anyone when they've finished.
14:46Yeah, till she gets her electric bill.
14:48Oh, excuse me, chaps.
14:54Won't be a moment.
14:55Oh, Karen, can we have three large scotches?
14:57Boise is paying.
14:58Cheers, Boise.
14:59All right.
15:01Oh, hello, Grandad.
15:03Do what?
15:04What about Rodney?
15:07What do you mean he's gone on the run?
15:08Oh, leave it off, Grandad.
15:14It was just a joke.
15:17Yeah, all right, all right.
15:18Now, don't panic.
15:21He'll be home when he's hungry and he wants something to eat.
15:27Oh, is he?
15:29All right.
15:31All right, Grandad, don't worry.
15:32I'll tell you what I'll do.
15:33I'll go and have a look round for him and I'll be home in about an hour.
15:36Yeah, all right.
15:37Bye.
15:40What's up, Till?
15:43It's that dipstick, Rodney.
15:45He's only gone on the run, hasn't he?
15:48He's found a secret hiding place.
15:50Where?
15:52Well, I had a wine-hide.
15:53It wasn't really secret, would it, eh?
15:56Oh, mate, there must be a clue.
16:00Yeah, well, he left a note saying it's no good trying to find him
16:02because he'd be in the last place anyone would think of looking for him.
16:04Have you tried under his bed?
16:07He'll be home as soon as he gets hungry.
16:09No, he won't.
16:10Grandad reckons he's taken all the tin food from the cupboard.
16:13So what are you going to do then, don't you?
16:15Don't know.
16:16I think I just don't know.
16:18I ain't got nothing in the freezer, then.
16:19I ain't got nothing in the freezer, then.
16:26Any luck to help?
16:35No.
16:36No sign of him, Grandad.
16:39Where did you look?
16:41Oh, I've been everywhere.
16:43I've been traipsing around Charing Cross, Oro, Leicester Square.
16:48Oh, you want to see what it's like up there in the early hours, Grandad?
16:50It's like the end of the world.
16:53And it's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos.
16:57Do you know what?
16:58If a nightingale sang now in Barclay Square, someone would eat it.
17:03Bad night, eh, Del?
17:05Yeah, very bad.
17:07Do you know I've been offered everything from 50 quid for me passport to a plate of magic mushrooms.
17:13You cooking something?
17:15No.
17:16What's that horrible smell, then?
17:17Sweet and sickly.
17:19Oh, perhaps it's this aftershave I've got on.
17:23God, Bennett!
17:25Where'd you get that from?
17:26Out of your room.
17:29Well, that can't be it, then, can it?
17:31Oh, I know the smell you're talking about.
17:33It was here last night.
17:35Everyone in the flats was moaning about it.
17:40Yeah, why don't you get some sleep, Del boy?
17:43Yeah, it'll be all right, Grandad.
17:44Have a cup of tea.
17:45I'll have another punt round for him.
17:47Where can he be?
17:48Well, I had a note from him here somewhere.
17:52He said he's in the last place you'll ever think of looking.
17:55Oh, no, I remember.
17:56You have looked under his bed, haven't you?
17:58First place I checked.
17:59Well, he's hardly like to be in that bloody drawer, isn't he?
18:04What would he do for the no?
18:06Now, don't you get funny with me, Del.
18:08This is your fault, you and your silly jokes.
18:10I know.
18:11I was going to tell him this morning.
18:13Well, you could have told him yesterday.
18:14Instead of that, you sat there playing your Johnny Cash live at San Quentin LP.
18:18Oh, don't go on to me.
18:22Don't go on.
18:22I feel bad enough as it is.
18:24But what is that smell?
18:27I've smelled it before somewhere.
18:29I know, so did I.
18:30When?
18:31I told you last night.
18:33No, no, no, I know.
18:33Before that.
18:36It seems to be coming from the ventilating system.
18:44Grandad, go and get them chicken legs out the fridge.
18:47I think I know where Rodney's hiding.
19:02Rodney?
19:05Rodney, it's Phil, boy.
19:08Rodney, I know you're in here.
19:13Rodney, don't be a plonker all your life.
19:17Listen, I can explain everything.
19:22There's nothing to be frightened of.
19:25I've got some scotch here.
19:27Something to eat.
19:33Yeah.
19:34Or if you prefer, I could get you a saucer of milk.
19:46Come on, at least we can talk about it, can't we?
19:49Hey, that way.
19:51That is you and it, Rummy.
19:54Nice, that cat again.
19:55You had me going there for a minute.
20:14Know you know what I mean?
20:16How did you know I was here?
20:17I know a lot of things with me.
20:22Like I know you've been smoking your funny fags again.
20:26No, I ain't, dear honest.
20:27I ain't, Chuck.
20:31Well, couple.
20:33That's it.
20:33Well, that was the giveaway, you see.
20:35The smell from your exotic tobacco
20:37has been wafting down the air ducts.
20:39It's not a man, woman, or child.
20:44It isn't I as a kite.
20:47You're kidding.
20:49No, I'm not.
20:50If you stand outside this tower block,
20:52all you can hear is giggling.
20:56Grandad's calling everybody man.
21:01He's thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks.
21:06Is Grandad OK?
21:08Yeah, he's all right.
21:10She's worried about you, though.
21:13What are you doing up here?
21:15Nothing much.
21:17Not a lot to do in a tank room, though.
21:19I mean, you can look at a view,
21:21but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so.
21:23I wasn't asking about your activities.
21:26I was speaking meteorically.
21:37What are you playing at?
21:38Playing at?
21:41Well, Del, this is a little game called not going to prison.
21:45The rules are ever so easy, you know.
21:47All you've got to do is find yourself a place to hide
21:49and stay there till you die.
21:50Don't reckon it'll catch on, Rodney.
21:54I could be right there, Del.
21:56But I'll tell you something.
21:59If necessary, I will shoot my way out of this room.
22:02Oh, so while you've been up here,
22:03you've been making a gun, have you?
22:04Well, I'll throw tins at them, then.
22:10Yeah, well, you could get an empty can, couldn't you?
22:12You know, and you could, like, splash them to death.
22:14I ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here.
22:21What's that?
22:21You've been too frightened?
22:23No, I forgot the tin on it.
22:24Well, why didn't you pop down for it?
22:32Del, desperate men on the run
22:33don't pop home to borrow a tin on it.
22:38Anyway, going without food ain't so bad.
22:40People like us get used to it.
22:42Oh, come on.
22:43Don't give me all that James Cagney stuff.
22:46Look at me, ma!
22:47I'm on the top of the world, ma!
22:49Look, I'm in the tank room, ma!
22:50Why don't you shut up?
22:55You hungry?
22:57Yeah.
22:59Oh, yeah.
23:01Get that down in there.
23:03Cheers, Bill.
23:05Great.
23:09Oi, have the police been round to question you and Grandad yet?
23:13Uh, no.
23:15Good, good.
23:16That means I ain't on my trail yet.
23:18Gives me a bit of time.
23:19Oh, yeah.
23:21Rodney, I've got to explain something.
23:24Like, well, this is sort of like confession time.
23:28You know that woman you met, Blossom?
23:30Yeah.
23:33Well, she's mad, Rodney.
23:38What if it did not move you?
23:40She's mad.
23:41You know, she's well known to the old bill.
23:44They don't take no notice of her.
23:45No, you're lying to me.
23:50No, no, I'm not.
23:50No, I'm not.
23:51Look, cross me heart.
23:53I swear to die.
23:54So, you remember old man Corby?
23:55Well, a couple of weeks ago, she accused him of assaulting her.
23:58Well, I mean, he was so surprised, he nearly fell off his wheelchair.
24:00All right, then.
24:04All right, then.
24:05You explain this to me.
24:06What were all them police doing outside the pub that night?
24:09Well, that was the mods and the skinheads.
24:11They were at it in the kebab house.
24:13Terrible scenes, all I could hear.
24:15I mean, there was, you know, chairs going through the windows.
24:17There was chilli sauce up the walls.
24:19And someone who knocked over a frying pan and the staff restroom went up in flames.
24:23No, I don't believe you, Del.
24:27You're just trying to get me to come quietly.
24:29No, I'm not.
24:31Look, go on there.
24:31Go on.
24:32Look out.
24:32Look out there.
24:33Look.
24:33Go on.
24:34Now.
24:35You see the kebab house?
24:38No.
24:39Exactly.
24:39I ain't there no more.
24:42What further proof do you need?
24:45No, Del, I don't understand this.
24:47You mean, there's been no photofit pictures?
24:50No house-to-house searches?
24:51No public outcry?
24:52No.
24:53None at all.
24:57Here, look.
24:58Do you want some water with your scotch?
25:00No.
25:02No, why not?
25:02Then why did you tell me I'd go away for ten years as a special category prisoner?
25:11But they'd nicknamed me the Peckham Pouncer.
25:14But there were gangs of men roaming the streets looking to hang me from the nearest lamppost.
25:20For a laugh.
25:21A laugh?
25:29Just a bit of a wind-up, that's all.
25:33Del, I haven't slept.
25:35I'm starving hungry and I've been freezing my boots off in this tent room because of your bloody wind-up!
25:42You take things too seriously, that's what I'm talking about.
25:46I'm going to kill you.
25:49No, no, no, don't be silly.
25:51No, really, I mean it, I'm going to kill you right now!
25:53Now, just a minute, now, just a minute!
25:54All right, now, I realise that I took the joke too far, and I should have told you earlier.
26:01Um, I'm sorry, Rodney.
26:04I really am.
26:06I'm still going to kill you.
26:11Look, I've been all over London looking for you.
26:15I've been in more doss houses than a tramp's best!
26:17I thought you were going so late that night, eh?
26:22I saw you drive off.
26:24You saw me?
26:25Why didn't you say something?
26:27Del, I'm a desperate man on the run, I can hardly lean out and go, ooh, Del!
26:36I suppose you can't.
26:39Listen, Rodney, I feel really sorry for all the aggro that I've caused, Jan.
26:46I'd like to try and make it up to you.
26:48Let's say what, I'll take you out and I'll buy a big slap up me, eh?
26:53Yeah?
26:54Yeah.
26:55Yeah, a bit of wine and all the works.
26:58Look at these clothes.
27:02It's what?
27:03Come on, I'll buy a new suit.
27:06Yeah?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Yeah, but then I'd look silly, you know, a brand new suit and these dirty old plimps holes.
27:14Don't you bloody cum it, Rodney!
27:17Come on, come here.
27:22Come on, I'll buy a new pair of rhythm and blues as well.
27:25Hey, has it?
27:26Yeah, all right.
27:27That's a good boy.
27:28Good boy.
27:29You know it makes sense, don't you know?
27:31All in the past, eh?
27:32Yeah, come on.
27:33All in the past.
27:34Cheers.
27:35Look at the state of me.
27:38Yeah, don't worry.
27:39You'll have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat.
27:41Oh, I don't fancy standing under that water, dill.
27:43Not after what I've been doing, innit?
27:44.
27:45.
27:46.
27:49.
27:54.
27:56.
27:58.
27:59.
28:00.
28:01.
28:02.
28:03.
28:04.
28:05.
28:07.
28:09.
28:11.
28:12.