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  • 7/25/2025

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00:00Toxie weather.
00:12Yeah.
00:14Wish I was chairman of Packer, Mac.
00:18Hmm.
00:21Oh, by the way.
00:23Father's Day card arrived for you this morning.
00:26Oh, really?
00:27Is it Father's Day?
00:29Oh, it's a pity we don't know where Dad's living.
00:32We could send him a letter bomb.
00:35Here, Father's Day card. Hang about, I'm not married.
00:40Oh, no, I wonder what that could mean, then.
00:43Well, I know what it could mean.
00:44It means...
00:45Oh, no, no, no, she told me she'd definitely...
00:49You, don't you, little bit.
00:53You nearly gave my heart a connery, then.
00:56Oh, dear.
00:56Oh, I just wanted to liven us up a bit, didn't I?
00:59I mean, for the past four days, we've been hanging around in pubs and cafes waiting for this rain to leave off.
01:05It was just a summer shower, Rodney, you said.
01:08Red sky at night and swallows flying backwards, that's a sure sign of an eat way, Rodney, you said.
01:12All right, all right, don't go on about it.
01:14Where do you think I work, the metaphorical office or somewhere?
01:18No, it'll soon be over, don't worry.
01:20Who's that on there, you, is it?
01:22I see.
01:23Anyway, what do you want to drink?
01:25I suppose I'd better just have half a lager.
01:27Yeah, well, the way business has been going this week, I think I'd better join you.
01:35Hello, how's it going, Alex?
01:36Hello, Del, want a drink?
01:38Oh, well, go on then.
01:40I'll, um, have half a lager.
01:42Half a lager?
01:43Yeah, and I'll have a large drambuie with lime.
01:46We've topped up with soda, lots of ice, sliced of lemon and a little cherry on the top.
01:50Two halves of lager, love.
01:52Done much today?
01:55Well, in this weather, you must be joking.
01:57I wouldn't send a dog out in this, would you?
01:59No.
02:00I'll send Rodney out later on, see what you can do.
02:03What are you doing?
02:04Have you still got that travel agent?
02:05Yeah.
02:06It's not doing me no favours, though.
02:08I thought I'd clean up on that World Cup, but I couldn't get no bookings.
02:11Honest, Del, I've got thousands of pounds worth of holidays, just lying about, but everybody's skinned.
02:16I tell you, this recession's going to be the end of me.
02:18Well, you want to cut down on your old prices then, don't you, Alex, my old mate?
02:21Well, I'll lose money.
02:22No, well, you'll have some coming in, wouldn't you?
02:24I mean, I'd rather lose a fripply bit than a fiver, wouldn't you?
02:27Well, that's true, yeah.
02:29I mean, listen, I don't care what the papers say, there's still plenty of money about, you know, if you know where to get it.
02:33I mean, you want to find some way of hooking the punters, you know.
02:36You, you want a bit, you know, a bit of a gimmick.
02:39Such as?
02:40Eh?
02:40Well, you put it round the manner, right, that the very next customer in your shop is going to get the biggest cut price holiday in the history of travel.
02:49No, no, listen, and I mean really cheap, Alex, right?
02:51I mean something like, er, anywhere in the world you'll knock off 80% of the price.
02:5580%?
02:56Yeah, no, 80%, now listen, listen.
02:59But only to the very next customer, right?
03:02So what they'll be doing, see, they'll be fighting each other to get into your shop.
03:05Now, once they're in there, you sell the rest of them at the normal price, don't you?
03:10Oh, exactly.
03:11This time next year, you'll be a millionaire.
03:13Do you know, that's not a bad idea, Del.
03:16Come to think of it, it's a belting idea.
03:17I tell you, that's what I'm going to do.
03:19Exactly what you told me.
03:20Thanks for the advice, mate.
03:21That's all right, don't mention it, pal.
03:22I'll see you around, all right?
03:23Right.
03:26Fancy holiday.
03:30Can't afford an holiday.
03:31Yes, we can.
03:32Alex, special offer.
03:33Anywhere in the world, 80% off.
03:37He'll go fast.
03:38Yeah, I know he will, I know.
03:39That's what I told him, but he wouldn't listen.
03:40You know what he's like.
03:41Hey, what about it then, Rodney, hey?
03:43Me and you, hey?
03:44What?
03:44Up into the wide blue yonder, hey?
03:46Get about the old currant bun on our backs.
03:48Oh, yeah, I'd have some of that, Del, yeah.
03:50Good boy.
03:50Right, I'll tell you what you do.
03:52You go down the road and knock out a bit of that gear,
03:54and I'll do the old bizzo with Alex, all right?
03:55Yeah, right.
04:03Oi, wait a minute.
04:04He's peeing down out there.
04:07Yeah, well, you want some spending money for your old duty-freeze,
04:10don't you?
04:11Well, yeah.
04:13I'm never going to be able to sell this stuff.
04:15Course you are, my son.
04:18Remember me motto?
04:19He who dares wins.
04:23Right, see you later.
04:24See you later, good boy.
04:25Here, Alex, about that offer.
04:29Genuine Italian son, ex.
04:31I could die, you know.
04:39More than likely.
04:42I mean, fancy sending me out in weather like that?
04:45Been raining, has it?
04:47Been raining?
04:48Why don't you stick your nose out of that door once every so often, eh?
04:52It's been raining non-stop for four days.
04:54Cool.
04:56Ta-da!
04:57Done it, Rodney.
04:57Done it.
04:59I've booked our holiday.
05:01Here you are, my boy.
05:02That's it.
05:03There it is, all in there.
05:04We're going somewhere different.
05:05We are away from the tourists.
05:07Yeah?
05:07Where?
05:08Benidorm.
05:10It'll be fantastic, Rodney.
05:12We'll have a great time, eh, won't we?
05:13Hey, all that blue sea, the sunshine.
05:16Dancing with all them foreign salts.
05:19You know, de viva lo Spagnol.
05:22Yeah, that's what I saw about.
05:23Where do we go, Del?
05:25Hey.
05:26Ah, in three weeks' time, Grandad.
05:27It's goodbye, Luton Airport.
05:29Hello, Benidorm.
05:40Yeah, well, your thing is, Grandad.
05:41I've always wanted to go to Benidorm.
05:44Where is it?
05:47It's in Spain, isn't it?
05:48Spain.
05:50I've been to Spain before.
05:52Oh.
05:53Oh, well, you wouldn't want to go again, then, would you, be?
05:55Same old thing.
05:57I ain't never been to Benidorm.
05:58It'll make a nice break.
06:00Yeah, yeah.
06:01Well, the thing is, Grandad, I'll tell you what.
06:04Well, look, why don't you go out in the kitchen, you know,
06:06and knock us up a nice Spanish omelette, eh?
06:08You know, help us get in the mood, eh?
06:09Oh, right, dear old boy.
06:11Yeah.
06:14Oh, I've only got three eggs left, and one of them's on the term.
06:18See, if I put a lot of pepper in.
06:22Great.
06:23Terrific.
06:26You gonna tell him?
06:28Oh, Rodney, how can I tell him?
06:30Look at him.
06:30He's got his heart set on it, hasn't he?
06:32Well, we can't take him with us, Dale.
06:34He'll cramp our style, will he?
06:36I mean, you could bring a bird back to the room,
06:38go to pour a sangri or a summit,
06:40and find his false teeth in the glass.
06:44Yeah, it would upset the romantic ambience somewhat, wouldn't it?
06:48Well, what are we gonna tell him, then?
06:50Er, say the food won't agree with him.
06:53No, that won't work.
06:54You know him, he's got a stomach like a rubbish skip.
06:57Er, the change of climate.
06:59Ah, now, the last all I do,
07:01we had the change of climate upset him, didn't it?
07:03And we'd only gone to Bognor.
07:06Good one, like it.
07:10No, I can't, Rodney.
07:12No, look, it's gonna break his heart.
07:14All right, Dale, well, if you can't tell him, then I will.
07:17All right.
07:17Just a minute.
07:18Oi, oi, just, now,
07:19if you're gonna tell him, now do it gently, will ya?
07:22You know, I mean, he's family.
07:24Yeah, just, just leave it to me, though.
07:27All right.
07:27Good boy, Rodney.
07:30Er, Grandad, could I have a word?
07:38Oh, Alex.
07:39Hello, it's Dale Boyer.
07:41Look, about that holiday I bought with you this morning.
07:43Yeah, listen,
07:44do you reckon the hotel could put another bed in our room?
07:46Only Grandad's coming.
07:49Oh, nice one, Alex.
07:51Right.
07:52Yeah, I'll pop that kite round to you in the morning, then.
07:55All right, see you round, pal.
08:11Well?
08:11Oh, look, couldn't the hotel put another bed in our room?
08:17Oh, no, Dale, I couldn't have told him.
08:19It had broken his heart.
08:20You're just like the man at the top, you are, aren't you?
08:22You're utterly ruthless.
08:24I can be when I want to be.
08:25Oh, yeah.
08:26I can't.
08:26I've just this minute told Grandad I don't like Spanish omelettes.
08:29Oh, yeah.
08:30I mean, that's really being ruthless, that, isn't it, eh?
08:32I also told him that you love them, so you've got two.
08:44Careful, Bill, there's a bowl down there.
08:46In the summertime when the weather is hot
08:58You can stretch right up and touch the sky
09:01When the weather's fine
09:02You've got women, you've got women on your mind
09:05We're always happy
09:08The last we live in is our philosophy
09:10Sing along with us
09:14Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee
09:15Da-da-da-da-da
09:17Yeah, we're happy-happy
09:18Da-da-da
09:20De-da-da-dee-dee-da
09:21Da-da-da
09:22Da-da-da
09:25Da-da-da
09:26Da-da-da
09:27Da-da-da
09:28Whish-whish-whish
09:29All right, yeah.
09:31Oh, yeah.
09:33When the wind is here
09:40Yeah, it's party time
09:41Bring your father wagon back
09:43Cause it'll soon be summertime
09:44And we'll sing again
09:46We go driving
09:47Or maybe we'll settle down
09:49We're just ready
09:51Just as nice
09:52Bring your friends
09:53And we'll all go into town
09:54Now then, what do you want
10:03Oh, God
10:06That's the date
10:10Oh, no, that's cool
10:12Hey, Annabelle
10:13Hey, girls
10:14It's all right
10:16It's all right
10:16It's a slave
10:16Now, come on
10:17Here
10:19Pass
10:21High one
10:22Wee
10:26Watch it
10:27There you go, Doe
10:30Oh, cheers
10:31This is the life, eh, Rodders?
10:36When we become millionaires
10:38We'll move out
10:38Get a villa
10:40Get Grandad
10:41One of those little
10:42Old folks' homes
10:43That they have out here
10:43What old folks' homes
10:46Do they have out here?
10:47You know
10:47We saw them
10:48In the holiday brochure
10:49What do they call them?
10:51Yeah, pensions
10:52Grandad
10:57I got you lager
10:58Grandad
11:00Grandad
11:01What?
11:12Yoo-hoo
11:13Grandad
11:14Roddy has a lager for you
11:16You want to act your age a bit more
11:20That could have blinded me
11:22Come here
11:25I don't want nothing to drink
11:28Going back to the hotel
11:30And have a fiesta
11:31Do you reckon he's all right?
11:38He's been acting all edgy and nervous
11:40Ever since we got here
11:41Maybe it's that squiddy it
11:43Grabbing the hotel
11:45Ain't up so much, is it, eh?
11:46Oh, you can say that again
11:48You've got that soup last night
11:50Called it oxtail
11:52It was more like foxtail, wasn't it, eh?
11:57You don't reckon he's sickening for anything, do you?
11:59No
12:00It's probably just the heat
12:01He's not as young as he used to be, is he?
12:04Here, Roddy
12:05Put someone out all on my back, will you?
12:07Yeah
12:08I'm sorry, I thought it was oil
12:16I'm told you, is that it?
12:25It's probably marked now, is it?
12:26I've said I'm sorry
12:29Look, I'll go up to the room and get you a fresh shirt, all right?
12:32Yeah, why don't you do that small thing, Rodney, all right?
12:40Oh, pardon, mademoiselle
12:42I'm really sorry
12:44It's nothing
12:44Good night
12:45Good evening
12:54Bonsoir.
12:58Bonjour, monsieur.
13:00Vous restez à l'hôtel?
13:02De France, euh, de fumée.
13:06Avec, euh, vous... du bonnet?
13:09Oui, oui, merci.
13:11Oh. Oui, garçon.
13:13Tosse du bonnet, pavabour.
13:15Thank you, Jean.
13:17Quelle partie de la France êtes-vous?
13:21Ah oui, oui, je t'aime, je t'adore.
13:25Ah, sur les pommes d'Avignon.
13:28Pas de bon, monsieur.
13:30Yeah.
13:31OK.
13:36Hey, Jackie.
13:37Hi.
13:38Join me for a drink.
13:40Oh, I'd love to.
13:41But I think I got stuck with that little French fella over there.
13:46I don't worry about him.
13:49Pull up a pew.
13:51He won't bother you with me around.
13:53Yeah.
13:54Oh, Brexit.
13:55Yeah.
13:56You fancy getting down there tonight?
13:57Sounds good.
13:58That's a little good place.
14:00Ahem.
14:01Je suis frontiers.
14:09Thank you, waiter.
14:10I hope he doesn't kick sand in my face.
14:15Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
14:34Neil!
14:35Neil!
14:36Shush! What's up with you?
14:37I was just about to pull a French toy.
14:39No, you've got to come with me now. Come on!
14:41What's the matter?
14:42It's Granddad!
14:43Granddad?
14:44He's ill, isn't he?
14:45I told you there was something that matter with him, but you wouldn't listen to me, would you?
14:48He's not ill.
14:49Well, what's up with him, then?
14:49He's been arrested.
14:52Arrested?
14:53Well, come on!
14:55All right.
14:56All right.
15:26Settled in all right?
15:32Quo vadis, senor.
15:36You know, quo vadis.
15:41Took you time getting here, didn't you?
15:44Now, don't you start getting stroppy with me, you ungrateful old git.
15:47I've been running around this town.
15:48I've been running about here like a tit in a trance looking for you.
15:52We went to the police station.
15:53They knew you'd been arrested, but they couldn't remember what they'd done with you.
15:57And for the last four hours, I've been phoning around, trying to get hold of a consul.
16:01Oh, charming.
16:02So while I'm banged up in here, Rodney's out trying to hire a car.
16:06You're not that sort of consul, you daft old git.
16:11I'm in the British consulant.
16:13Well, why didn't you bring him here, then?
16:14Well, why did you get yourself arrested?
16:16Keep your voices down.
16:18You'll get him trapped out of here.
16:19Just keep calm, will you, everybody, please?
16:27It's nice and calm and easy.
16:31Right?
16:32What happened?
16:34Nothing.
16:35I was just crossing the road to the hotel when this police car screeched up to me, nearly running me over.
16:41Next thing I knew, I was banged up in here.
16:44They ain't even charged me with nothing.
16:46No, no, look, you must have done something, Grandad.
16:49You went back to the hotel for a little kit, right?
16:51Half hour later, you're doing porridge.
16:53Now, think hard, Grandad.
16:54Have you done anything remotely out of order?
16:57I mean, did you get drunk and disorderly?
16:59Did you ever punch up with a Kuwaiti supporters club?
17:02Did you goose the maid?
17:03No.
17:05Well, there was a little incident, Del.
17:09It didn't happen today, though.
17:11Now we're getting somewhere.
17:12All right, come on, tell me, when did it happen?
17:151937.
17:17You know, for a moment, dear, I thought you said 1936.
17:22That's funny, that, but so did I.
17:25In 1936, I was deported from Spain and all her territories and dominions.
17:34Would you, uh, would you consider it nosy of me if I were to ask you the reason why?
17:41Do you really want to know?
17:43Well, no, we're just curious, that's all.
17:45Yeah, you know, well, we just wondered.
17:47Well, I were up to no good, weren't I?
17:51Well, I didn't think you got Ruddywell deported for doing missionary work, did I?
17:55So what happened in 1936?
17:58The Spanish Civil War happened, that's what happened.
18:01The Spanish Civil?
18:02Well, this gets worse, Rodney.
18:04Oh, look, it's a long, long story.
18:08Well, according to Manuel, the guard, you may have a long, long time to tell it in, so let's
18:12hear it.
18:13Well, in 1936, the family was living in Peabody Buildings, Peckham Rye.
18:20Oh, it was a terribly hard times.
18:22We had no money, no food, no future.
18:26There was millions of unemployed on the dole.
18:29Excuse me, just a minute.
18:30Just, just, sorry, just a minute.
18:32I mean, excuse me, I may be being a wally or something, but you, can you possibly explain
18:39to me what a dole queue in Peckham has got to do with the Spanish Civil War?
18:43I'm building up to it, Del.
18:46Having a conversation with him is like a slow death, isn't it?
18:50One day, me and my mate, Nobby Clark, we decided we had just about enough of it, so we
18:57run off to join the Foreign Legion.
19:00The Foreign Legion?
19:01You don't mean the British Legion?
19:05The French Foreign Legion.
19:08Camels and forts, you know.
19:10So, we hitchhiked to Southampton.
19:13Ah, then that's where their headquarters was?
19:15No, that's where we tried to get on board the boat.
19:19Well, eventually we stowed away on a tramp steamer.
19:24We hid under the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
19:27But, oh, the voyage was terrible.
19:31There were storms and gales.
19:36Us trotters have never made good sailors.
19:39Now, Nobby was, he was all right on the water.
19:42I think it come from the time when he was a caretaker at a seaman's mission in Grimsby.
19:47Oi, oi, oi, oi. I don't want to worry you, you know, but our plane leaves in three days.
19:52What happened in Spain?
19:54Well, I'm just coming to it.
19:57Oh, now, where was I?
19:59You and the fisherman's friend were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
20:02Oh, yeah.
20:04Well, when the ship finally docked, guess where we was?
20:09Spain.
20:10No.
20:13Tangiers.
20:14Grandad, is it worth me making any plans for my future?
20:18Well, then what's all this got to do with a foreign legion?
20:21Well, the Tangiers was one of their main bases, wasn't it?
20:25You see, any normal person who wanted to join the French Foreign Legion would have gone to France, wouldn't they?
20:29Not him, no.
20:30Well, we jumped ship and made our way to their barracks.
20:34Oh, when we got there, we couldn't believe our eyes.
20:38They was the biggest band of cutthroats and villains and murderers you could ever hope to see.
20:44They was the scum of the earth.
20:46So you didn't join?
20:48We tried, but they wouldn't have us.
20:51Well, now me and Nobby was in dead lumber.
20:55We had no money, we had nowhere to sleep, and we was a thousand miles from home.
21:00But then we had a bit of luck.
21:02Well, it were more a quirk of fate, really.
21:05We bumped into an Arab, and he offered us a job.
21:10He said he'd pay us to take his motor launch over to the Spanish coast and deliver a cargo.
21:18What sort of cargo?
21:20Guns.
21:24Guns?
21:24You mean you were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?
21:28Well, that's the best time to do it, Robin.
21:35You dirty little mercenary.
21:38Oh, we didn't do it purely for financial gain.
21:42Oh, no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.
21:47Which side were you selling to?
21:49Well, whichever side had the most money.
21:53Bloody hell.
21:54No, no, it's all right, Roddy.
21:56No, I mean, you know, a conscience is nice, but business is business, right?
21:59Well, it was after the seventh trip when it happened.
22:05There was government troops laying in wait for us.
22:09They arrested us, and they took us to this little prison outside a town called Tarifa.
22:15They took Nobby away and tortured him.
22:19You could hear his screams echoing through the night.
22:23Woke you up at one point, didn't it?
22:25The last thing on my mind was sleep, Rodney.
22:30But no matter what they'd done to him, Nobby wouldn't say a word.
22:35I bet he didn't even have his Caledon Bowser to suck, did he?
22:40Then it were my turn.
22:43Look, they tortured you.
22:46No, but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew.
22:50Well, a couple of days later, these government leaders arrived with our deportation orders.
23:02And, well, well, that's about it.
23:05Are you sure that's about it?
23:08I mean, you haven't forgot any little minor details, have you?
23:11Like, I mean, you didn't pop over to Hong Kong and become an opium peddler.
23:15Or you didn't get a Saturday morning job as a white slave trader, did you?
23:18No, I just went back to Peckhamdale and put me name down on the housing list.
23:26And, then, why the hell didn't you tell us all this before we left home?
23:30Well, I was going to tell you, but I thought it might spoil the holiday.
23:35Spoil the holiday?
23:36Well, what do you think this has done?
23:38We'd have been better off with that caravan in Buenos Aires now, wouldn't we?
23:41Well, it all happened a long time ago.
23:44I thought the Spanish authorities would have forgot about it by now.
23:48Forgotten about it?
23:50Forgot about it?
23:51You're most probably on their ten most wanted terrorist list.
23:55You're probably somewhere between Carlos the Jackal and the Black November.
24:00September.
24:01What?
24:02It's September.
24:04The Black September.
24:05You said November.
24:07Gordon Bennett, Rodney!
24:08We haven't got time to sit about here discussing signs of the bleeding Zodiac.
24:13We've got to think of a way of getting the Red Shadow out of here.
24:16I swear they'll just deport him again.
24:18Just deport him?
24:19You're joking, of course.
24:21They've just held the World Cup here, haven't they?
24:23They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first.
24:28By the time we get him back, he'll be eating paella and calling us gringos.
24:31Gringos.
24:34There's probably a way.
24:36There's always a way.
24:40Hello.
24:40Visiting time's over.
24:43Here, listen.
24:43Oi, you two.
24:45You keep stum.
24:46Let me do all the talking, all right?
24:47Ah!
24:49Hello.
24:49Juan.
24:50Just the Juan I wanted to see.
24:55Yeah.
24:55Well, um, no, I just wanted to say, like, you know, that my grandfather here was telling
24:59us about the charming reception that he's received in your, uh, charming bijou, Nick.
25:06What is it this you say to me, huh?
25:09You taking the peas?
25:10Huh?
25:13I'm not taking the peas.
25:14Au contraire.
25:15Au contraire, Juan.
25:17No, I was, um, the thing that I wanted to say to you was I've been trying to...
25:20Oi, Dale!
25:21Bloody old you.
25:21Shh!
25:22I told you.
25:23Shh!
25:23Pardon me, Monsieur.
25:26Um, El Wally, yeah?
25:29No, no.
25:30I've been reckoning my brains to find a way that I could possibly repay you, you know,
25:35for all the good work that you've done, and I've thought that perhaps you might give
25:40this to the charity of your choice.
25:44Aren't we?
25:45The charity of my choice?
25:47Yeah.
25:51Gratis, Signore.
25:52Granada.
25:53Gratis.
25:56Well, listen, uh, Juan, now, now we're such close friends, I was just, uh, wondering if
26:02you, you know, that you could pull a few strings to get my old grandfather out of this car, Zee.
26:05Si, Signore.
26:07Si.
26:08You can go.
26:14Go?
26:15Just like that?
26:16Si.
26:17You are free to go.
26:19Um, excuse me, Juan, shouldn't you, like, clear it with the Governor first, do you know what
26:24I mean?
26:24I've known it, Signore.
26:27I have his realest peppers here.
26:34You mean that you were going to let him go anyway?
26:36Si, Signore.
26:39Si, Signore.
26:42Yeah, nice one.
26:43Nice one, Juan.
26:44Yes, yes.
26:45A couple more years and you could be in charge of your own ball stall, couldn't you?
26:48How come you're letting me go so soon?
26:52Ah, you've done nothing.
26:54It's a little offence, eh?
26:56How you say, uh, traffic violation, eh?
26:59He cast a road, cause of the car to crash.
27:03Well, we make no charge.
27:04He's bad for Anglo-Spanish relations, eh?
27:07Yeah.
27:07Well, don't think you're getting Gibraltar back just cause of this.
27:10Yeah.
27:15Well, it appears that you walked across the road, Grandfather.
27:19You were done for jaywalking, you stupid old Bert.
27:23Well, I didn't know, dear old boy.
27:25When they screeched through an oar, I thought they'd captured me.
27:29Gracias once again, Signore.
27:32The charity of my choice will be very pleasing.
27:36I bet she will, Juan.
27:37I bet she will.
27:40Well, I suppose we'd better stop off at the drugstore
27:43and get something for Granddad's cuts and bruises.
27:46I ain't got no cuts and bruises.
27:50It's early yet.
27:52LAUGHTER
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