- 2 days ago
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00:00Listen, now, listen, here, why shed a tear for the recession when you got me about, eh?
00:05Now, just look what I bought you today, girls, like that.
00:07Authentic French nylon tights, all right?
00:10As worn by Sasha Distel's mum.
00:12No, seriously, I'm being sheared.
00:14Now, they're 20 denier and they're sheer nylon.
00:16Not only are they rum-proof, but they're fun-proof as well.
00:19Now, listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair, I'd get killed in the stampede, wouldn't I?
00:23Yes, I would, I know, I could see your face.
00:24But I tell you what, I'm not going to ask you for a pound a pair.
00:27I'm not going to ask you for 80 pence a pair.
00:29What did you say?
00:29You give me 60 pence a pair, will you, love?
00:31Put your money away.
00:32Put your money- I don't want 60- I don't want 60 pence a pair.
00:36I want 50 pence a pair and I'm starving myself.
00:39Now, come on, ladies, here.
00:41I thought you- I thought you were bargain hunters, you ladies.
00:45You can't even get these in the factory for 50 pence a pair.
00:53Oi, Rodney, am I keeping you awake?
00:55No, don't you, my mate, though. You carry on.
00:57Listen, I know the government keeps asking us to save energy, but this is taking a piss.
01:03Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, worrying about all the trouble and what have you.
01:09Trouble or trouble?
01:10Well, last night I went round that Bird Linder's house for the evening, right?
01:14And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected.
01:18Catch you at it, didn't they?
01:20Well, no, no, no, they didn't actually catch us.
01:23It was all a bit of a panic, though.
01:25So where does all the trouble come from, then?
01:27Well, as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice I had my jeans on back to front.
01:32What did he say?
01:39He swore at me.
01:41Oh, I bet he did.
01:43I bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going, did he?
01:50Oh, hello, Trigg.
01:52Here, how's your grin?
01:54Well, didn't you hear, Del? The old girl passed on.
01:56Oh, what a shame.
01:58I am sorry, Trigg.
01:59Well, you're full, Del.
02:02Funeral's on Friday. You'll come, won't you?
02:04Oh, Friday? It's a bit difficult. I'm a bit tied up, actually, Trigg.
02:08Anyway, you don't want a big crowd there, do you?
02:11There won't be a big crowd, Del, and I'm the only one who's going.
02:17Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll come.
02:20I'll tell you what, I'll bring granddad and all, because he used to know your grand, didn't he?
02:24Rodney will come as well.
02:25Hey.
02:26Cheers, Del. Appreciate it.
02:28It's all right.
02:30I'll tell you what, I'll order a car, shall I?
02:34That's a good idea, Trigg.
02:35I'll see you at grand's house. About ten o'clock.
02:38All right, cheers.
02:40Oi, you.
02:41What's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral?
02:43He's a mate, isn't he?
02:45You wouldn't want him to go on his own, would you?
02:47Well...
02:47No, of course you wouldn't.
02:49Anyway, going to a funeral would be good practice for me and granddad.
02:53So what?
02:54When that Linda's dad catches up with you.
02:57Now, that is not funny, Derek.
02:59Yeah, I think it is hilarious.
03:01All right, come on then, girls.
03:03Here we are.
03:03Genuine French tights, as worn by Charles Asnevour's sister.
03:06Wedgwood.
03:16Wedgwood's pottery.
03:19Oh, is it?
03:28Oh, yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
03:30That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week.
03:32Oh, well, here.
03:34Look at this over here.
03:35Look.
03:36Look at that.
03:42It's a copy.
03:44Oh, these are nice.
03:45Look at that.
03:45These are nice.
03:47Matching pair and all.
03:48Talk about a vulture.
03:50Now, listen, granddad.
03:52Look.
03:53Trigg's grand left him these and her will, right?
03:55And all this other stuff.
03:56And he wants to sell it, right?
03:57Do you know Trigg?
03:58He's not the brightest thing in Christendom, is he, eh?
04:01I mean, I know a lot of people are born, ain't me short of a shilling.
04:03But in Trigg's case, God added VAT.
04:05Look, if he tries to take this lot uptown, he's going to get right taken on, ain't he, eh?
04:11So I reckon it's much better that he gets, well, you know, stitched up by a friend rather than a stranger.
04:18I'll put your coats in a bedroom.
04:20Fancy a drink?
04:22Dave?
04:24Uh, well, I'll just have a small, large one, Trigg.
04:28Don't you think this is a wrong time and place to be shanting it up?
04:31No, no, of course not, eh?
04:33Oi, Trigg, what do you reckon, eh?
04:34Would your grand like to think of us, you know, standing around moping and mourning?
04:37Yeah, she'd have loved it.
04:39She was a miserable old cow.
04:42She never used to be like that, son.
04:44When she was younger, she was a real live wire.
04:47Life and soul of the party was Alice.
04:50Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl.
04:52They reckon that's what helped finish my granddad off.
04:55You knew my granddad Arthur, didn't you, Mr Trotter?
04:58Yeah, I knew Arthur all right.
05:00He was a smashy man.
05:01He took care of me when my mum went.
05:03Where was your dad?
05:04He died a couple of years before I was born.
05:11I can almost see my granddad now.
05:14Sitting by the fire.
05:16One leg on the fender.
05:18Other one in the corner.
05:19That's all right.
05:23He had a false leg, didn't he?
05:24He came off.
05:25He was a road sweeper as well.
05:29Yeah, taught you to trade, didn't he, Trigg, eh?
05:31Takes you back, doesn't it?
05:32Come on, Trigg, it's no point dwelling in the past.
05:36You've got to look towards the future, ain't you?
05:37Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday, ain't you?
05:39Yeah, I'm looking forward to that, Del.
05:41I've been under a bit of pressure lately,
05:43what with grand in hospital and me case being adjourned.
05:45It'll be nice to get away from it all.
05:48I'm going to live it up a bit.
05:50Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies.
05:55Oh, sounds great, Trigg.
05:56Where are you going?
05:57Ireland.
05:57And the grand left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces,
06:03so I ain't short of a few, Bob.
06:06Car's here.
06:07Well, just take one last look round the old place.
06:12When you think of all that's gone on in this house,
06:16me grand and granddad live in here together.
06:20What makes you go cold, doesn't it?
06:22No, no, come on, Trigg.
06:24Should be the opposite, shouldn't it?
06:25I mean, you must remember all the warmth and the love that they had between them.
06:28No, there weren't much of that, Del boy.
06:30They didn't talk to each other for 15 years.
06:3315 years?
06:34Well, me granddad found out that while he was away in the army,
06:37she used to have another man in the house.
06:45Did you ever hear that rumour?
06:47Me?
06:47No, son.
06:49Did he ever say who it was?
06:52Never.
06:53Wish I knew, though.
06:54I'll go and fetch our coats.
06:57They're in the bedrooms.
06:58Up the stairs.
06:58I know where it is.
07:04That confirms it, Rodders.
07:06Yeah?
07:07Yeah.
07:09Confirms what?
07:10Well, look.
07:11See that little mark there?
07:14What?
07:14There.
07:15Oh, I can get that off.
07:15No, not there, huh?
07:21Not on there.
07:22On there, look.
07:23That little mark there, look.
07:24Yeah?
07:25That confirms that these urns are meissen.
07:27No?
07:29No.
07:30Yeah.
07:31No, guaranteed, brother.
07:35Meissen, eh?
07:36Yeah.
07:38What's meissen then, Del?
07:40It was German China, innit?
07:43Mid-19th century, according to the book.
07:46Now, there was a China sale at Christie's the other week, and a couple of pieces, similar
07:49to these, not in such good condition, went for 250.
07:53These must be worth 300 of anybody's money.
07:56Well, it was a newspaper in my bedroom with an article about it.
07:58All right, I'll go and fetch it.
08:01And, oi, you, you just keep your mitts off that, right?
08:03Got me eye on you.
08:07300 knicker.
08:09Don't look very valuable.
08:11Yeah, well, the best ones never do, do they?
08:13Oh, it looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair.
08:16Oi, you break that, and he'll stuff your head down a bog.
08:21Good almighty.
08:23Grandad, what's up with you?
08:25Just look for yourself.
08:27Look at what?
08:28What's in there?
08:33It's not a spider, is it?
08:36No.
08:42What is it?
08:44It's Arthur.
08:47Arthur?
08:48Trigger's grandad, Arthur.
08:50Them's his ashes.
08:54Put the lid on, Rodney.
08:56Here.
08:56Bloody hell.
09:03Del!
09:04Could you come in here, please?
09:06Just sum it up with one of the urns.
09:08That soppy old git's broken it.
09:10I'll stick his head down the car seat.
09:16Well, what's up?
09:18It's Arthur's ashes.
09:20Arthur's ashes?
09:21That's the black bloke that won Wimbledon, isn't it?
09:27No.
09:28It's Trigger's grandad, Arthur.
09:32His ashes is in that urn.
09:34Don't take the top off.
09:41Don't take the top off.
09:44What's the matter with you, don't take the top off?
09:46What you got in there, a genie or something?
09:47Well, how do you know it's him?
09:55Eh?
09:56It's hardly a passport photo, is it?
09:59It's him all right, Del.
10:00I know it's him.
10:02It's all right.
10:02All right, then.
10:03So it's him.
10:04Look, nothing to worry about, is it?
10:06Nothing to worry about.
10:07You don't know the full story, do you?
10:10You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife, well, they was true.
10:16But nothing happened between us, Del.
10:18You've got to believe that.
10:19Nothing happened.
10:20Well, we was just two lonely people.
10:24Arthur was away in the army and your gran had just departed.
10:28Oh, no, Shannon died, just departed.
10:33Oh, yeah, gotcha.
10:34Well, we was just a bit of company for each other, that's all.
10:38But Arthur wouldn't believe that.
10:40Well, he wasn't as soppy as they made out, then, was he?
10:43He put a curse on me, Del.
10:45He pointed his bony finger at me and he said,
10:48Trotter, someday, somehow, I'm going to come back and haunt you.
10:54And he had gypsy blood in him, Del.
10:56You know what they say about a gypsy's curse?
10:58Oh, come on, you don't believe all that pony, do you?
11:03Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago, weren't it?
11:05You moved since then, he's never going to find you now.
11:09Oi, then again, being a gypsy, you might move around a bit, hey?
11:12He's all.
11:13Never going to find me.
11:14Look over there.
11:16He's in the same bloody room as me.
11:24Don't be silly, Grandad.
11:27Ghosts and all that.
11:28It's a load of rubbish, isn't it?
11:30Yeah, I mean, it's Gracie Kidd stuff, isn't it?
11:34Yeah.
11:34That's right, yeah.
11:37No, no, I'm going to go to my room and get the paper, all right?
11:40Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:40Who left this wooden leg out here?
11:51I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you and me used to be friends.
11:57Once.
11:58So, I mean, there ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
12:12I mean, the thing is, Arthur, you and me used to be friends.
12:21Once.
12:22So, I mean, there ain't no point in holding a grudge, is there?
12:26There ain't no point in holding a grudge, isn't it?
12:27Yeah.
12:28I know what happened annoyed you.
12:30Yeah.
12:31It would have annoyed me.
12:32But, well, it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygorns be bygorns, eh?
12:39Well, you never frighten me with all that old tosh about a curse and what?
12:47I mean, I ain't the superstitious type.
12:52In fact, I don't know why I'm talking to you now.
12:55Well, I know you can't hear me, Arthur.
12:58That is what you think, Trotter.
13:09You're coming through louder than a CB, rubber duck.
13:24Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter?
13:29Well, yeah.
13:31I'm really very sorry for what's happened, Arthur.
13:34Ah, but how do I know that you mean it?
13:39Oh, I do, Arthur.
13:41I do really.
13:42I'll do anything to prove it to you, Arthur.
13:45Anything you say.
13:46All right, then.
13:48Tell me where your money's hidden.
13:51I ain't got no money.
13:55Oh, don't give me that, you lying old kid.
13:58I know you're all right for a few, Bob.
14:01I don't want to know where it is hidden.
14:04You see me suitcase under me bed.
14:07No, I ain't.
14:08I looked.
14:09You been under my bed?
14:14I've been everywhere, Trotter.
14:18I am always with you on those cold winter nights
14:23when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out.
14:27Have you never felt a presence?
14:30I am the chill wind that waits you in the dead of night.
14:35I am the movement in the curtains.
14:41I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
14:46I am also the creaking of the floorboards.
14:50I am always with you, Trotter.
14:58Always with you.
15:00Even when you're alone, I am keeping you company.
15:04What are you doing?
15:05What are you doing?
15:07What are you doing?
15:08What was all that about?
15:10What was it?
15:11What was it?
15:12What was it?
15:13What was it?
15:14Oh, Sophie here, was holding a seance with his little mate, Arthur.
15:29Have you underestimate the powers of the unknown, dear boy.
15:33unknown, dear boy. What I say is get them ashes out of this house. Why don't you try and get in
15:38touch with Trigger? Get him to take them away. Well, what do you think I've been trying to do
15:42all evening? I've left messages for him everywhere. He'll be going off on a three-week holiday soon.
15:46Looks like we'll have to dispose of him ourselves then. Yeah, looks like it.
15:51Proves that's the least we can do is to give him a dignified send-off.
15:55Well, anyway, we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o'clock in the morning.
16:00Right, so we'll do it tomorrow. You got any ideas how we're going to do it?
16:04Well, I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest.
16:09Bowls.
16:13Well, you got any better suggestions then? No, Bowls. He was a lifelong member of the
16:18Peckham Bowling Club. I think he'd love to be scattered over that green.
16:25Yeah. Well, all right, that's what we'll do then.
16:27Well, they could refuse permission.
16:30Yeah, only if we ask.
16:32Come on, Del. You can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without
16:37being noticed. They'll be playing on it.
16:39That is why we're going to do it at night when they're not playing on it, all right?
16:43Oh. All right, well, I'm going back to bed.
16:45Yeah, so am I. Good night, Greg, then.
16:48Del boy, do you think I've made me peace with Arthur now?
16:52I mean, that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green, weren't it? I think he'd
16:57have liked that. And you heard me apologise to him, didn't you? I mean, I don't think
17:02I ain't done nothing else that could incur his roof, have I?
17:06No. No, of course not. Mind you, there is one tiny little thing that might have upset
17:13him.
17:13What's that, Del?
17:15Well, Arthur is over there.
17:19Sweet dreams.
17:20Oh.
17:41What are we going to do now?
17:42How should I know? This was his favourite bowling club, right? It's where he spent many
17:49happy hours, right? So I'll just turn the urn upside down and we'll have it weighing our
17:54toes.
17:55Hey, no, you can't just tip it upside down. It'll leave a mound. They'll think they've
17:59got moles.
18:02Scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something.
18:08Do you mean hymns?
18:08We three kings of orient art.
18:14We three... That is a Christmas cake.
18:17Then why don't you go whole hog, you know, and sing Jingle Bells while I dance about and
18:22we sprinkle him around.
18:23Shh!
18:24Do what you want it, but hurry up.
18:27All right, I'll just say a prayer. Get down on your knees.
18:31Dear God, high up in the sky...
18:41I can't see a thing, my dear. There's nothing there. Oh, dear. Can't see a thing, my dear. There's nothing there.
18:46I can't see a thing, my dear.
19:11There is nothing there at all.
19:12I think you're imagining it.
19:13Bill, I assure you, I saw something.
19:16You've spent too much time there.
19:22Heave to, Rodney. Heave to. This'll do nicely.
19:26Well, I told you before, and I'm going to tell you again.
19:30You cannot perform a burial at sea at St. Catherine's Dock.
19:34Performing a burial at sea, am I?
19:37Performing one of them Indian ceremonies, like what they do in the Ganges.
19:40I saw it on Rick as well.
19:42Don't worry, it'll be a doddle.
19:43But his river's polluted.
19:44Well, that ain't going to upset Arthur, is it, eh?
19:47It's not going to do the river much good, either.
19:49Oh, look, just shut up, will you?
19:51Sit quiet for a minute.
19:53This thing's all religious.
19:56What are you doing?
20:06God mighty.
20:12I repeat, what are you doing?
20:17I think all for that.
20:18That's something sensible, Bill.
20:21I mean, don't go telling them we're boat people or nothing.
20:24Yeah, come on.
20:26We're Buddhists.
20:30We're scattering some remains.
20:33It's part of our religion.
20:35Have you written permission from the river authorities?
20:38Have we written permission from the river authorities?
20:42Well, of course we bloody ain't.
20:45Of course we blood...
20:46No, I'm afraid not, officer.
20:50You can't do it, then.
20:54Oh.
20:55Oh, I see.
20:56Right.
20:57Well, thank you very much for all your help.
21:01Let it get out of sight and then I'll pour it overboard.
21:03We'll escort you back to the shore.
21:09Oh, right.
21:11Thank you very much.
21:12Yeah.
21:14Big marks.
21:16There's never a copper around when you need one.
21:19Sod's are always there when you don't need them.
21:22Full of head boat, probably.
21:33Magic, ain't they?
21:43The old Irish tumble dryer.
21:49Oi.
21:51You weren't, were you?
21:53Of course I weren't.
21:55What do you think I am, a philistine or something?
22:00Could be a sign, you know.
22:02What?
22:02Our failure to get rid of the contents of that urn.
22:06It could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing.
22:10What are you going on about?
22:11Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here, aren't we?
22:15I mean, you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke.
22:19Oh, give over, you tart.
22:22What do you think?
22:22The bogeymen are going to come round and get us in our flat.
22:25If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any haunting.
22:28Them lifts are broken down again.
22:29Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned, Del, you can scrub round it, all right?
22:35Give you a instead of a church jumble sale or something.
22:38I've washed me hands of them.
22:40Rodders, listen, now, don't be a plonker.
22:43They're worth 300 quid.
22:45And you don't go giving our national treasures the jumble sales, do you?
22:49Eh?
22:50I mean, just think what we could do with 300 quid, eh?
22:53We could get a nice new suit each.
22:55Are you a nice pair of dungarees?
23:05That thing's just sucked up our urn.
23:08Oi!
23:08Oi!
23:12Oi!
23:12Oi!
23:14Oi!
23:14You've sucked up our urn!
23:18Our urn?
23:20Oh, my God, what was your little kin?
23:24Excuse me?
23:24Is he winding me up or what?
23:25No, he just don't understand.
23:27Look, it's not urn as in urny.
23:29It's urn as in, you know, Grecian.
23:32Ah.
23:33Well, I thought there was something blocking me tubes.
23:36Block these tubes permanently.
23:37Come on, then.
23:43Is it there?
23:45Yeah.
23:45Ernie?
23:45Oh, there's it.
23:47I never see you.
23:48Oh.
23:49That's it.
23:50Thanks.
23:50There you go.
23:50Right.
23:51And be more careful where you leave, you blimmin' Grecian urns in future.
23:56I'll have a union in on this, I will.
24:00Oh, my God, it's empty.
24:01It's empty.
24:02It's empty.
24:06Half has been sucked up into that thing.
24:10It wasn't our fault, though, was it, Rogers?
24:12Eh?
24:13No.
24:14No.
24:15It was a complete accident, Del.
24:17Totally beyond our control.
24:19There's no need for us to reproach ourselves.
24:22Is there?
24:22No, no.
24:23No, there isn't.
24:25Must have been an act of God.
24:28I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it?
24:31Well, Arthur used to be a road sweeper.
24:33To him, this must be like a Viking's burial.
24:49Maybe he would have wanted it like this.
24:53Maybe.
24:55I doubt it, but maybe.
25:01No, hang on.
25:08He's just coming in now.
25:10Del boy, it's for you.
25:11Who is it?
25:12Trigger.
25:14Trigger?
25:15What's he want?
25:16He said you've been leaving messages for him to phone you.
25:19Yeah, I know.
25:20I had.
25:20That's when I wanted him to have his granddad's ashes back.
25:23But we've got rid of them now.
25:25Here.
25:25Supposing he wants them, you know, wants them back after he comes back off holiday.
25:29He wants me to keep them.
25:30What am I going to say?
25:31Er, well, you just say, oh, you think of something.
25:38Oh, yes.
25:39Thank you very much, Rodney.
25:40Oh, and thank you for a great help.
25:43Git.
25:47Oh, Trig.
25:48How's it going, my son?
25:49Yeah?
25:51What's the weather like?
25:52Oh, foggy, is it?
25:54Well, it's a bit misty here.
25:55Yeah.
25:56Where are you?
25:57You're fog-bound at Gatwick Airport.
26:01Still here.
26:02He could get in a cab and come back for it, couldn't he?
26:05Um, yeah.
26:06Well, Trig, the thing is, look, we've got a bit of a problem.
26:09Yeah, and it's a bit delicate, so...
26:13Well, you know, I'd brace yourself if I were you.
26:16Yeah.
26:17Well, you remember them urns that I had off you, huh?
26:20Yeah, well, you see, I was just sort of cleaning them up, like,
26:22uh, to get them ready to go to the, uh, Boy Scouts bring-em-buy-sale.
26:27And, uh, well, I...
26:29I found your grandad's ashes in one of them.
26:34Yeah, and I wondered what you wanted me to do with them.
26:37Yeah, well, this is the problem, innit?
26:39I mean, what do you do with them?
26:41Um, look, why don't you leave it up to me, Trig?
26:45Eh?
26:46Of course it would be a respectable and dignified ceremony.
26:52Yeah, yeah, good boy.
26:55Well, you know it makes sense.
26:58Yeah.
27:00Eh?
27:01Well, they must be your grandad's...
27:03No, I didn't know that.
27:10No.
27:12No, nobody told me.
27:15Right, you have a nice time, Trig,
27:17and I'll see you when you get back, all right?
27:18Something you forgot to tell me,
27:34weren't there, grandad?
27:35What's that, dear old boy?
27:40Trigger's nan was married twice.
27:42Oh, no.
27:43Oh, no.
27:44Ah!
27:48Ah!
Recommended
27:43
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