- 2 days ago
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00:00:00British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of flight 417 from Amsterdam.
00:00:16Oh, sorry. Are you all right? Oh, I'm sorry. I spilled everything out of my case. I don't think the catch is working properly. I don't know what it is. Thank you very much.
00:00:40There you go. So, anyway, I says to her, right, you know, I mean, as gently as I could, like, I said, engagement is a big step. Yeah. Terrific. Yeah, right. I said, you know, it's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly. No. No. Oh, look at that. Oi, Calvin. You spill your lager over this bar once more and I'll smack you right side the buggy here on. Sorry, dear man.
00:01:07This is not polyester-y, you know. This is pure crimper-y. As I was saying. You've seen Boise, Del? No, no, not recently. Why? Oh, he's looking for you. Says it's urgent. Oh, well, he knows where to find me, Michael, doesn't he, eh? Knows where to find me. Now, where was I? Ew, are you still going out with that little sort? Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her. That's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes. Oh, well, what's up then? Well, hello, Corey. Love, how are you all right?
00:01:37Yeah, come on. She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking, yeah, and I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit, but I don't want to hurt her.
00:01:46All you've got to say is, you've got to say, Imogen, you're giving me the hump. Now, go away and haunt someone else for a change.
00:01:53Yeah, that's pretty painless now, isn't it? I don't believe you.
00:01:57You're too soft with them, Rodney. You're too soft. That is your trouble.
00:02:01But, you know, don't you get the drinks in, because I'm going to pop over there and do a bit of business.
00:02:04Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there? What's Del drinking these days?
00:02:11Oh, God knows. Tuesday, it was a Bacardi and Russian. Last week, it was Grand Marnie and Orange. Week before that, it was Dubonnie and Coke.
00:02:20Well, give us two Marie and Luke a second.
00:02:23There you go. Look, it's 15 quid. I can't say fairer than that. It's none of your foreign rubbish. Look, it's Japanese.
00:02:48Del, I've already got a watch.
00:02:49You called out a watch? That's crap, that is. That's crap.
00:02:53You didn't say that when you sold it to me.
00:02:57No, no, Teddy, what I meant was. I mean, it's had its day, innit, eh? Look.
00:03:00Here, come on, here. 15 quid, right? That's what I paid for it. You're getting it at cost.
00:03:04Del, I don't fancy it.
00:03:08All right, now, for you, a tenner. As it's the last one.
00:03:13Tenner?
00:03:13Mm-hmm.
00:03:15Here. It's got a scratch on the face.
00:03:17Now, don't worry about that. I'll get you another one from the back of the van.
00:03:20Look, it plays 36 different national anthems. It tells you what day of the week it is, and it's a calculator and all.
00:03:27Blimey, is that the time?
00:03:28No, no, it's still set on Oriental hours, innit?
00:03:30All right.
00:03:31All right, yeah. You get your money out. I'll be back in a tick.
00:03:35Back in a tick.
00:03:36I like it.
00:03:37Thank you, don't you like it.
00:03:40Mid-ship.
00:03:41I was there, Ruby.
00:03:48Yeah?
00:03:49Yeah, well, which one were you, then?
00:03:51No, I don't mean I was in the film. I meant I was in that battle.
00:03:55What about Ruby?
00:03:57God knows, I can't even believe you've been with all this monkey music.
00:04:01Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did, Albert.
00:04:04Yeah.
00:04:04All them sharks and icebergs.
00:04:07Yeah, and a giant octopus.
00:04:10Gives me itchy fever just thinking about it.
00:04:12Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
00:04:16Nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots.
00:04:21That's why I never talk about it, Ruby.
00:04:24My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.
00:04:27Huh?
00:04:28Yeah.
00:04:29Sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day.
00:04:32Bloody glad when they put him away I was.
00:04:35What did he was the tragedy that happened to our son.
00:04:39Harry just never got over it.
00:04:42He was such a lively lad.
00:04:45He went to school with Del Boy.
00:04:47They used to sit next to each other in class.
00:04:50Del must have mentioned him.
00:04:52Slater.
00:04:52Roy Slater.
00:04:53Slater?
00:04:55I don't remember, Ruby.
00:04:56No.
00:04:57Well, maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about.
00:05:01He was only 18.
00:05:02He had all his life before him.
00:05:05Well, was it a motorcycle accident?
00:05:07No.
00:05:08He...
00:05:09He joined the police.
00:05:12He's one of their top men now.
00:05:15He's put more people behind bars than Watney's.
00:05:17He's put more people behind bars than Watney's.
00:05:31He's put more people behind bars than Watney's.
00:05:36He's got more people behind bars than Watney's.
00:05:38I know he looks like a jeff's.
00:05:39I know he looks like a jeff's, but that's where the girls are there in a leaf.
00:05:42Boisie?
00:05:43Have a quiet word for him.
00:05:44Yeah, sure.
00:05:47What's it, Abdel?
00:05:47All right, my son?
00:05:48Very well, thank you.
00:05:49Yeah, you're still up at Hatton Garden, are you?
00:05:51Yes, sir.
00:05:51I'm still in Hatton Garden.
00:05:53Could we have a word with you, please?
00:05:54Yeah, of course you can.
00:05:55Why not?
00:05:56We'll be in the back room.
00:05:57Oh.
00:05:58Yeah, all right.
00:05:58I'll just get me drink.
00:06:02Here.
00:06:02I'll do a bit of business with Boisie and Abdel.
00:06:05Hey.
00:06:06It's all seen there, huh?
00:06:07It's all just from the governor.
00:06:09There's a lot of forged money floating round.
00:06:11He didn't check his money just now.
00:06:13Oh, well, that's different, isn't it?
00:06:14But I'm going right off that go.
00:06:18See you in a minute.
00:06:33All right, Dave?
00:06:35Watch your trick.
00:06:36How you going?
00:06:37All right.
00:06:38I'm feeling lucky tonight.
00:06:40You never know, I might pull.
00:06:41So I thought I'd have a dab of blue Stratos.
00:06:43Put my best clothes on.
00:06:45Yeah?
00:06:45What's the up to you then?
00:06:47These are my best clothes.
00:06:49Oh, sorry.
00:06:50Hello, darling.
00:06:51Where you been all my life?
00:06:53Piss off.
00:06:55I always use that line with the birds.
00:06:57Yeah?
00:06:57Why?
00:06:59Well, I don't know, really.
00:07:01It's never worked.
00:07:04I see.
00:07:07So, what sort of deal is it?
00:07:08I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs a small business in Amsterdam.
00:07:14Amsterdam.
00:07:16Amsterdam in Hollande, you mean?
00:07:17I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I, Abdul?
00:07:20God.
00:07:21My brother, Said, has done business with him in the past.
00:07:24Do you know my brother lives in France now?
00:07:26No, no, I didn't know that.
00:07:26Yes, yes, he's doing very well.
00:07:28Is he?
00:07:29Yeah, he's married now, his wife's expected.
00:07:31Get on with it.
00:07:32I don't, for God's sake, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding, no?
00:07:36Yes, well, last week I flew to Amsterdam to see the gentleman in question.
00:07:41A Mr. Van Cleef.
00:07:43And after some preliminary discussions, Mr. Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise.
00:07:51Merchandise?
00:07:52What sort of merchandise?
00:07:54Diamonds.
00:07:54Diamonds?
00:07:5830 of them.
00:07:59Cut and polished blue diamonds.
00:08:01Top of the range, dull boy.
00:08:04I mean, it's going to cost an arm and a leg, isn't it?
00:08:0650 grand.
00:08:0950 grand?
00:08:09You and Abdul are weighing out 50 grand?
00:08:12In England, they have a market value of 150,000 pounds.
00:08:18Bloody hell.
00:08:21I take it you're not going to bother to inform our friends of the customs, innit?
00:08:24I'm not going to bother to buy any of this little matter.
00:08:26No.
00:08:27Well, they're rather busy, I think they'd appreciate it.
00:08:31Well, anyway, where do I come into all this?
00:08:34Here.
00:08:35You're not expecting me to buy any off you, are you?
00:08:37No, the thing is, you know, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless.
00:08:40Leave off, dull boy.
00:08:42These gems sell at around five grand a piece.
00:08:45What we are asking you to do, Derek, is...
00:08:47Is to take the money to Amsterdam for us.
00:08:54You want me to take 50,000 pounds to Amsterdam?
00:08:57Yeah.
00:08:59And...
00:08:59And what?
00:09:01And...
00:09:02Bring the diamonds back.
00:09:04Do you know, for a minute there, I thought you were serious.
00:09:09They are very serious, Del.
00:09:11Deadly serious.
00:09:12There is nothing to worry about, Derek.
00:09:15Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us...
00:09:19Nothing ever goes wrong.
00:09:23Up your kilt!
00:09:25What do you think I am?
00:09:29A tote or wally or something?
00:09:31We would look after you, Derek.
00:09:33Oh, yes, I'm sure you would.
00:09:35You'd visit me once a month, wouldn't you, eh?
00:09:37Bring me cakes with files in.
00:09:39You'd find yourself another mug.
00:09:42We'll give you ten grains.
00:09:43Ten thousand pounds?
00:09:56All right, twelve.
00:09:57I knew he'd haggle.
00:09:58You burk at all.
00:10:03All right, Del.
00:10:05Twelve grand.
00:10:10Just think of it, Del boy.
00:10:12Twelve big'un.
00:10:14I'll say you'll have a tree for the future.
00:10:17And there will be no problems.
00:10:18It will all be as easy as apple tart.
00:10:21Well, if it's as easy as apple tart,
00:10:23how come you two ain't going yourselves?
00:10:26Uh, well, we're both scared of flying, aren't we?
00:10:31Leave it out, Boise.
00:10:33Abdul's done more flying than sparrows.
00:10:35No, no, no, no.
00:10:36It would look very suspicious for me,
00:10:38a registered heaven garden merchant,
00:10:39to fly to Amsterdam too often.
00:10:41Oh, I don't know about this.
00:10:44Look, Del,
00:10:46we chose you specially.
00:10:49We needed someone we knew.
00:10:51Someone we could trust.
00:10:53Someone who was skinned.
00:10:54What happens if I get caught?
00:11:01Well,
00:11:02Abdul and me have done our money, haven't we?
00:11:04Done your money?
00:11:05Your money?
00:11:07I stand to get banged up for five years.
00:11:09All right, Del.
00:11:18Fifteen grand?
00:11:29Not much use to you when you're locked up in the scrubs, though, is it, eh?
00:11:31We are paying you to take the risk, Derek.
00:11:35It's a big gamble, Del.
00:11:38But he who dares wins, doesn't he?
00:11:43Course, if it's too big for you, Del.
00:11:46If you think you're a bit out of your depth,
00:11:49just say something.
00:11:56Fifteen.
00:11:57You see, my problem is I don't want to hurt her.
00:12:03Because Imogen's a lovely kid, you know.
00:12:05I mean, she's gentle, she's sensitive.
00:12:08And on top of all that, she cares.
00:12:11I reckon she'd do a turn if you played your cards right.
00:12:15What's the point in discussing it with you, eh, Trig?
00:12:17We're talking on two different levels.
00:12:20Yeah.
00:12:21Two and a half weeks we won't drift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
00:12:32Quite a nice tan, though.
00:12:39Well, Malbert, we're going home.
00:12:42Wait, Rodney, come on.
00:12:44Home.
00:12:46Sorry.
00:12:46Well, I suppose I ought to be getting home, really.
00:12:49Get the energy in her room.
00:12:51Tell her it's all over between us.
00:12:56Sorry, can I just get posted?
00:12:57Sorry.
00:13:00Sorry.
00:13:01Sorry, I was just trying to...
00:13:05Love Imogen.
00:13:05Look, I know what you're doing.
00:13:16I just don't understand why.
00:13:18Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said...
00:13:22Oh, boy, she said...
00:13:23Don't start all that again, Del.
00:13:24Look, what do you think the odds are?
00:13:25Are you getting cold?
00:13:27Oh, shut up, Rodney.
00:13:28You've been going on about it all night.
00:13:30Del, you are smuggling diamonds.
00:13:32Do you think you could yell just a little bit louder
00:13:35because there's a geezer down here
00:13:36at the other end of the market
00:13:37who didn't quite catch it all?
00:13:40Del, do you realise what you're getting into?
00:13:43Yes, I do know what I'm getting into.
00:13:45Fifteen grand is what I'm getting into.
00:13:48Look, Rodney, this is not drugs or guns, is it?
00:13:51I mean, that sort of stuff kills people.
00:13:54It's only little diamonds.
00:13:56I'm trying to bring down the cost of getting engaged.
00:13:58I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased.
00:14:00Yeah, well, me and Imogen's finished.
00:14:04Oh, you finally told her then, did you?
00:14:08Yeah, sort of.
00:14:09She cried.
00:14:11No, look, Del, smuggling diamonds is still illegal.
00:14:14It's only illegal because Boise and Abdul
00:14:17ain't paying any import tax.
00:14:19All right, all right, supposing they pay import tax then, eh?
00:14:22What do you think the government is going to do with that?
00:14:24They're only going to go out and buy another Strident missile,
00:14:26aren't they, eh?
00:14:27Oh, so you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace?
00:14:31Every little bit helps, Rodney.
00:14:33Well, why don't you bring back a load of diamonds, Del?
00:14:35You might end up with a Nobel Prize.
00:14:38I hadn't thought of that.
00:14:40Now, come on, look, Rodney.
00:14:41We'll waltz through the customs at Gatwick.
00:14:43They won't take any notice of us.
00:14:45Del, what do you know about diamonds, eh?
00:14:48I mean, to you, diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks,
00:14:51and quite honest with you, I've seen better cat's eyes.
00:14:54I don't have to know anything.
00:14:56Abdul's in charge of that side.
00:14:58We're just the couriers.
00:15:03Hang on a minute.
00:15:04What do you mean, we?
00:15:08Don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother out of a deal like this, do you?
00:15:11What sort of bloke do you think I am?
00:15:13Well, your little kid brother don't want to cut in.
00:15:15A little while ago, you said you wanted a beer courier.
00:15:18Yeah, for Club 1830.
00:15:20Look, I'm going to need you on this one, Rodney.
00:15:22Because when that aeroplane lands, you're going to be my diversion.
00:15:25Do you know how long I'd go away for?
00:15:27I've already got a record for petition of cannabis, aren't I?
00:15:31Exactly.
00:15:32And that is what's going to be my diversion.
00:15:34See, because not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade,
00:15:37but it's also the drugs capital of Europe, right?
00:15:40So when we go through passport control,
00:15:42and they see Rodney Trotter nipping off the wall,
00:15:43and they're going to say,
00:15:44Oh, that little rascal,
00:15:47he's after the old exotic stuff again.
00:15:49When we come back through customs,
00:15:51who they're going to nab?
00:15:52Me, the sophisticated jet setter in a camel-air coat,
00:15:54or you, the boomtown rat?
00:15:57We're going to pull me, aren't we?
00:15:58Exactly.
00:15:59So while you're inside being strip-search,
00:16:01you know, and all that game,
00:16:03me and the diamonds are going to have it way down to Kermit.
00:16:06Oh, terrific.
00:16:07So while you're off down the road jollying it up,
00:16:10it's touch-your-toes time for Rodney.
00:16:12You won't come to any harm, Rodney.
00:16:14I'd be a minor discomfort.
00:16:16They'll let you go in a couple of hours.
00:16:18And then you come home to five lovely grand.
00:16:21Which is your share.
00:16:27Five grand?
00:16:28Five grand.
00:16:30Buy an awful lot of lollipops for five grand, Rodney.
00:16:33Get yourself a nice second-hand capri.
00:16:36Whip round to Imogen's.
00:16:37Get your old card stamped.
00:16:39Know what I mean?
00:16:39I don't know.
00:16:45I've never actually been to Amsterdam.
00:16:49I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an holiday, eh?
00:16:52Well, yeah.
00:16:53I mean, we'll be there at least an hour.
00:16:57Look, come on.
00:16:58While you're thinking about it,
00:16:59let's try and knock some of this gear out.
00:17:01Make some of that stuff that we read about call profit.
00:17:04Because if all this falls through, bruv,
00:17:05we're skin, right?
00:17:07Denzel, my son!
00:17:11No!
00:17:12So what?
00:17:13No, I don't want to buy anything.
00:17:15No, I don't want to sell anything.
00:17:16And no, I don't want you to make me a millionaire.
00:17:19Isn't it marvellous, eh?
00:17:21Isn't it marvellous?
00:17:22You just stop to say hello to an old mate
00:17:24and all you get is a load of old verbal.
00:17:26I don't want anything, Denzel, on it.
00:17:29What are you carrying?
00:17:30Nothing.
00:17:31It's empty.
00:17:33Ah, well, I can fill that up for you.
00:17:35You can earn yourself a few, Bob.
00:17:36Look, just leave me alone, will you?
00:17:38You're all right?
00:17:39Corrine and I have just got back together again.
00:17:41And I've had to promise here
00:17:42that I'd stop seeing you,
00:17:43stop getting drunk,
00:17:44stop gambling and get a steady job.
00:17:46Is it my fault you married a wrong-un?
00:17:49There's no reason to give me a volley.
00:17:52We'll just hang about there for a minute.
00:17:53I'll be back.
00:17:55He's everywhere I go, you know.
00:17:57He's on the phone to me.
00:17:59He's at me front door.
00:18:01He's in the betting shop.
00:18:03He's in the pub.
00:18:03And now he's in a bloody traffic jam.
00:18:06You know what, Rodney?
00:18:07I get this feeling that he's haunting me.
00:18:10You know what I mean?
00:18:11Yeah.
00:18:12Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
00:18:14I mean, all you've ever done
00:18:27is ruin his wedding reception,
00:18:29almost break up his marriage,
00:18:31flood his kitchen
00:18:31and steal his £2,000 redundancy money
00:18:34and he goes and gets all silly about it.
00:18:36These are Japanese
00:18:48and these are hairy knees, right?
00:18:52So now, what's the difference?
00:18:53I'll tell you what the difference is.
00:18:54These will not give you the time
00:18:56in all the major capital cities of the world.
00:18:57Neither are they a calculator,
00:18:59nor do they play 36 different national anthem.
00:19:01But this, well,
00:19:03this is a quality timepiece
00:19:05of precision craftsmanship
00:19:07that will cost you £67 upwards.
00:19:09Now, I'm not going to ask you for £67.
00:19:11Oh, no.
00:19:11I'm not going to ask you for £47.
00:19:13I'm not asking £37.
00:19:15Steady on, Dale.
00:19:16Think of the profit margin.
00:19:17No, no, don't interrupt me now, Rodney,
00:19:18because look why I'm in my stride.
00:19:20I'm not asking you for £27.
00:19:22This is £15 for this quality watch,
00:19:25ladies and gentlemen.
00:19:25That's all.
00:19:26This beautiful timepiece.
00:19:27Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
00:19:28for a mere £20.
00:19:29No, no, you said £15.
00:19:30I beg your pardon, man?
00:19:31You said £15.
00:19:32£15.
00:19:32No, I don't.
00:19:35Hold on.
00:19:36Hold on, Rodney.
00:19:37No, hold on.
00:19:38I do believe that I said £15.
00:19:40I'm sorry.
00:19:40I must be going mad.
00:19:41I'm sure I said I'm going mad.
00:19:43All right, don't.
00:19:44Just to show you that I'm a man of my word.
00:19:45Go on, you can have this watch for £15.
00:19:47Go on, steal it from me.
00:19:48Go on, just not.
00:19:49I'm losing money on the deal.
00:19:50Right, Rodney, come on.
00:19:51Get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase,
00:19:53because there'll be a mad rush in a minute.
00:19:56They're all going all that well, are they?
00:19:58They're going down like several lois in a kick foot.
00:20:01Yeah.
00:20:01If I could just sell one,
00:20:03I know that the others would follow.
00:20:05Here.
00:20:06Just a minute.
00:20:06I've had an idea.
00:20:07Watch it.
00:20:09Wait, there you are.
00:20:10Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
00:20:11Listen, listen.
00:20:11Excuse me just a moment.
00:20:12Look, give us your time
00:20:13because I just had a business discussion
00:20:15with my partner here on my right
00:20:16who informs me
00:20:17that we desperately need the space in the suitcase, right?
00:20:21So what I'm going to have to do,
00:20:22I'm going to have to give these watches away.
00:20:23I've just got to give them away.
00:20:24So here you go.
00:20:25I'm giving away ten pounds each.
00:20:27There you go.
00:20:27Go on, ten quid.
00:20:28Fifteen quid to the black float.
00:20:29Can't say fairer than that.
00:20:30Why can't the house for ten pounds then?
00:20:32For ten pounds, of course you can.
00:20:33Rodney, take the man's money.
00:20:35There you go.
00:20:35Come on, Rodney.
00:20:36There, we sold that one.
00:20:37There we go.
00:20:38We're off and running.
00:20:39There you go.
00:20:39Come on, darling.
00:20:40Pass your bread upon the water.
00:20:42That's what I say.
00:20:43And it will come back ten pounds.
00:20:44Yeah, all right.
00:20:46Listen, give us your money.
00:20:47Take the money.
00:20:47All right, listen, hang about.
00:20:53We'll be back in five minutes, all right?
00:21:01Don't look back.
00:21:07Delboy.
00:21:09Slater.
00:21:10Well, what a coincidence.
00:21:11So I was just saying to Hoskins, I wonder how my old mate Delboy is.
00:21:15Weren't I, Hoskins?
00:21:16Aye.
00:21:17Oh, yes, sir.
00:21:19And how are you, Rodney?
00:21:21Uh, very well, thank you, Detective Inspector.
00:21:24Chief Inspector.
00:21:26Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted.
00:21:28Yeah.
00:21:29About six months back.
00:21:31I took Hoskins with me.
00:21:32He's my driver.
00:21:33Oh, driver.
00:21:34Everyone always said you'd be going places, Terry.
00:21:37Going places?
00:21:38Oh, yeah.
00:21:39Here, I saw your mum down the next head last night, Slater.
00:21:44Yeah?
00:21:44Yeah, she asked after me.
00:21:46No.
00:21:48Do you fancy a cup of tea, Del?
00:21:50Ah, actually, Roy, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind.
00:21:52I don't think you heard the question, Del.
00:21:54I said, do you fancy a cup of tea?
00:21:56Well, no, you're coming to mention it.
00:21:58I'm a bit parched.
00:21:59I'm a bit parched.
00:22:01I'm talking back, man.
00:22:02I've lost music.
00:22:03Drive safe this time, and...
00:22:05There you go.
00:22:11Detective Inspector.
00:22:16Chief.
00:22:17What?
00:22:19I'm a chief now.
00:22:21Good morning.
00:22:22I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives.
00:22:24Watch what you say, Rodney.
00:22:29That Slater's a bastard.
00:22:32Hey?
00:22:33I said...
00:22:35Watch what you say.
00:22:36Slater's a bastard.
00:22:38Yeah.
00:22:39I remember from the last time.
00:22:41He's on the warpath now.
00:22:43He's retiring soon, and wants to go out in a blaze of glory.
00:22:46Retiring?
00:22:47It's a bit early, isn't it?
00:22:48He's had no choice.
00:22:50He's come from the top.
00:22:51They're forcing him out.
00:22:52See, a little while ago, Slater persuaded this young black fellow to sign a full confession
00:22:58to being a peeping Tom.
00:23:01When the case gets the call, it turns out he's a registered blind person.
00:23:06Bad publicity for the police, isn't it?
00:23:07What about a poor black blind?
00:23:09Oh, he's not too upset.
00:23:11They reckon he might get a record contract out of it.
00:23:14Shh.
00:23:15There you are, Hoskins.
00:23:17Bacon sandwich for you.
00:23:19Are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat?
00:23:21Yeah, yeah, yeah, quite sure.
00:23:22We're not all that hungry, actually, Roy.
00:23:24Anyway, what are you doing back in the parish?
00:23:26I thought you'd been transferred to the river police.
00:23:28No, not transferred, no.
00:23:29That was just a special assignment.
00:23:31I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers.
00:23:37Any luck?
00:23:38Oh, I caught them, Del, yeah.
00:23:40Even nabbed the ringleader.
00:23:42Geyser called Hendricks.
00:23:43They got away, though.
00:23:45Lack of evidence.
00:23:47It's a choker, isn't it?
00:23:49Oh, I'll have them, Del.
00:23:50Well, they're still doing it, then?
00:23:53How many times have you almost had them, Hoskins?
00:23:55Twice.
00:23:56Twice, that's right.
00:23:57But each time they've somehow managed to get a shot of the diamonds.
00:24:00If you haven't got them, you've got no evidence.
00:24:03No.
00:24:04Between you and me, Del,
00:24:05I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again.
00:24:08Come on.
00:24:09A couple of local businessmen, shall we say,
00:24:12have put the money up.
00:24:14Now, we know who they are, don't we, Hoskins?
00:24:16Bosch in it.
00:24:17Hoskins!
00:24:17I'm sorry, sir.
00:24:21But I don't know who the courier is.
00:24:24Now, unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him, I'm knackered.
00:24:29This is where you come in, Del.
00:24:32Me?
00:24:34I think I'm the courier, do you?
00:24:38Leave off, Del.
00:24:39This is big.
00:24:41No.
00:24:41The way I see it is this.
00:24:44You hear all the gossip in the pubs and the clubs.
00:24:47There's no skin off your nose if you ring me with a name.
00:24:51After all, these businessmen ain't putting no money your way, are they?
00:24:55No.
00:24:56You don't even have to say who's calling.
00:24:58Make it anonymously.
00:24:59I will make life very comfortable for you.
00:25:05No more aggro from wooden tops in the market.
00:25:09Well, that's very fair, are you, Roy?
00:25:12Yeah.
00:25:13Oh, yeah.
00:25:14Very fair.
00:25:15This is my last case, Del.
00:25:16I'm retiring from the Met.
00:25:19Oh.
00:25:21The commissioner begged me to stay.
00:25:24But I've had enough.
00:25:27I want my courier to end on a high note.
00:25:30Yeah, well, of course, we wish you a lot of luck on this later, yeah.
00:25:34I'll get him in the end, Del.
00:25:36I never give up.
00:25:37You see, once I get my teeth into someone, I don't let go.
00:25:42No.
00:25:43Do you know what they call me at the Met?
00:25:44No.
00:25:46Bulldog.
00:25:49Actually, I've heard one or two people call you Bulldog.
00:25:53Or worse out of fact, anyway.
00:25:55So that's the sort of guy I am.
00:25:57I never give up.
00:25:59So if you hear anything, Del, you know me number.
00:26:04Well, it's been nice.
00:26:07That old school day, you and me sat at the same desk.
00:26:11Only this time you didn't put frog spawn in me milk.
00:26:14No, I did only do that.
00:26:15You rascal.
00:26:19Do you want me to pay for my breakfast, Sid, or what?
00:26:24No.
00:26:25Have it on the house, Mr Slater.
00:26:27Very nice of you, Sidney.
00:26:28Very nice indeed.
00:26:30You better pay for your breakfast, Hoskins.
00:26:32Thank you, Sidney.
00:26:36So, uh, you don't know if this curry is a man or a woman?
00:26:40A woman?
00:26:42I hadn't thought of that.
00:26:44It's very good thinking, Rodney.
00:26:47You ever thought of joining the police?
00:26:48No.
00:26:49No, I'm ambitious.
00:26:54Ha-ha.
00:26:55Very good.
00:26:58No.
00:26:58All I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week.
00:27:03I'll be waiting.
00:27:13There you go, young Terry.
00:27:15Thanks, Sid.
00:27:16Well, that's that, then, isn't it?
00:27:24How do you mean?
00:27:25Well, you can't go ahead with it now, can you?
00:27:27Slater's got all the airports covered.
00:27:29Well, he can't watch all the airports 24 hours a day, can he, eh?
00:27:31I'll have to find another way of sneaking in.
00:27:35Wait a minute.
00:27:38Oh, man.
00:27:42You owe me 32 pence, Del.
00:27:44Eh?
00:27:45No, no, Mr Slater paid for hours.
00:27:48Oh.
00:27:55Oh, yes.
00:27:56It has a full service record.
00:27:59Tax till the end of the month.
00:28:00He'll have no trouble passing his M.O.T.
00:28:05Boyce, someone on the phone wants you.
00:28:07Who is it?
00:28:08Dunno.
00:28:09Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment, please, Colin?
00:28:14He, um, said it's something to do about diamonds.
00:28:17I'll be right there.
00:28:19Oh.
00:28:20Yes, it's the new Austin Diamond.
00:28:24Coming out next year.
00:28:25Still in the experimental stage.
00:28:28Do excuse me, Mr Biggestaff.
00:28:30Yeah, what's up?
00:28:35It's Del Boyle.
00:28:36Listen, I've just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know?
00:28:39Bullshit of the yard.
00:28:41Slater?
00:28:42What's he want?
00:28:43He knows.
00:28:44How?
00:28:44I don't know, do I?
00:28:46He's got more grasses and thysons.
00:28:49How much does he know?
00:28:49Well, he knows...
00:28:50He knows that you and Abdel have put that money up.
00:28:57I don't believe it!
00:28:58Well, we can't pull out now, Del.
00:29:03Abdel's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef.
00:29:05All right, listen, don't panic.
00:29:07Don't panic.
00:29:08He doesn't know who the courier is.
00:29:10That's what he was pumping me about.
00:29:12So I'm the last bloke that he suspects?
00:29:13Yeah, well, it's all right for you.
00:29:15I've still got 50 grand in my house.
00:29:17If Slater comes sniffing around, how am I going to explain that away?
00:29:20No, we've got to meet tonight.
00:29:22I'll give you the money and Abdel can make the final arrangements.
00:29:26All right, what should we meet in your place?
00:29:28You must be joking!
00:29:29My house might be under surveillance.
00:29:32We can't meet at Abdel's either for the same reason.
00:29:34All right, how about that?
00:29:35You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with 50 grand on me, do you?
00:29:39I think we've got a point.
00:29:41Have an exit.
00:29:42Leave off!
00:29:43He knows that's our local.
00:29:45Anyway, we can't meet in any public place.
00:29:46He sees the three of us together.
00:29:48He's got a full story.
00:29:50We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded.
00:29:54Somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own.
00:29:57And nobody will be able to see us.
00:30:00And that's just a place.
00:30:02Yeah?
00:30:03Where?
00:30:06The fact of things are bleeding, Laurie.
00:30:10I mean, what a place to hold a meeting.
00:30:12Personally, I think it's a good idea.
00:30:14As Derek said, this is the last place Slater would think of looking.
00:30:17Yeah.
00:30:18But I'm going to get grease stains on my coat.
00:30:21I am going to look a right mess.
00:30:25I mean, what has Denzel had in here?
00:30:27Smells like rotten fish.
00:30:29Oh, stop your whining, Boise.
00:30:32You're like an old woman at times.
00:30:43All right, they're here.
00:30:45It'll be about five minutes.
00:30:51Spot any danger.
00:30:52Give us a signal, right?
00:30:54All right.
00:30:59All right.
00:31:01What's the signal, then?
00:31:06Who are you?
00:31:07Shall I be the ooter?
00:31:08No, you wally.
00:31:10That'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention, won't it, eh?
00:31:13Well, shall I flash the lights?
00:31:16How are we going to see flashing lights?
00:31:18We're in the back of a ruddy trailer.
00:31:20All right, then.
00:31:20So, what's the signal?
00:31:25Could you make a sound like an owl?
00:31:27An owl sound?
00:31:28Yes, you know, like it.
00:31:32All right.
00:31:33Yeah.
00:31:34All right.
00:31:34Oh.
00:31:35I can do bunny shadows, though.
00:31:37I've got enough of your bloody sarcasm, Rodney.
00:31:39Just think of a signal.
00:31:41Back in a minute.
00:31:45You don't think Slater suspects anything else, do you?
00:31:47No, if he'd suspected that, he'd have been around with a search bottle by now.
00:31:51Yeah.
00:31:53Hello, hello, hello.
00:31:55What are you doing in here, then?
00:32:00Get in here, for God's sake, will you?
00:32:02All right, see you.
00:32:05He caught an off-humming here, didn't he?
00:32:09All right, Abdul, got everything sorted out?
00:32:11Yes, the arrangements have all been made.
00:32:13I mean, of all the places on earth, why in God's name do we have to meet in the back of a sticky lorry?
00:32:19God, dear.
00:32:21Look around you.
00:32:23Can you think of a better place?
00:32:24See?
00:32:25Look, no prying eyes, no plainclothes coppers.
00:32:28Nobody knows we're in here.
00:32:29What do you mean, Denzel don't know?
00:32:31Of course he don't leave it out, he go divvy.
00:32:34No, apart from Rodney, out there in a van, we're the only three people in the world who know we're in here.
00:32:39All right.
00:32:40All right, leave it to me.
00:32:43Get your coat and a uniformed officer, Hoskins.
00:32:45Where we all to, sir?
00:32:46At Transport Cafe in Soweto Road.
00:32:49One of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry.
00:32:52Right-o, sir.
00:32:55Parker, get a call round to the front.
00:32:58I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time for the exchange.
00:33:03Now, you must be very clear about these matters, Derek, so listen carefully.
00:33:07The exchange will take place this coming Friday at 12 noon.
00:33:1112 noon, right.
00:33:12That's right.
00:33:13Now, here is the address in Amsterdam.
00:33:14Memorise it and then destroy it.
00:33:17Doesn't self-destruct, then.
00:33:18Be serious, Del, please.
00:33:21Friday at 12, right?
00:33:22Oh, I got it.
00:33:23Now, my cousin, Hussain, will meet you in Van Cleef's office.
00:33:26Oh, cousin?
00:33:27Stone knee, Abdul.
00:33:29Your family get everywhere, don't they?
00:33:30Got a brother in France, cousin in Holland.
00:33:33Sure you ain't got no one out and out of Mongolia?
00:33:36A very distant uncle, but we never talk about him.
00:33:38My cousin is also a diamond merchant.
00:33:42He will be there to check the merchandise.
00:33:44Check it, all right.
00:33:45Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, don't we, Del Boy?
00:33:49Watch it, Boisey.
00:33:50My mum gave me them.
00:33:52Oh.
00:33:53Shh.
00:33:57That's all right.
00:33:58That's all right.
00:33:58Come on, where's the money?
00:33:59Where's the money?
00:33:59There's 50 grand there, Del Boy.
00:34:05Please be careful with it.
00:34:07Trust me, Boisey.
00:34:08Of course we trust you.
00:34:10What's the combination of this?
00:34:12When you get to Van Cleef's office, you phone me and then I'll give you the combination.
00:34:17Oh, that's terrific.
00:34:19That's a great deal of trust, that is, isn't it, eh?
00:34:21One thing we forgot to mention, the most important thing of all.
00:34:25If anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong.
00:34:28But if it should, you never heard of us.
00:34:30Three of that had nothing to do with it.
00:34:32You never heard the name Van Cleef.
00:34:34It's just a precaution, Del Boy.
00:34:37Terrific.
00:34:37That means I'm up on offer, doesn't it, eh?
00:34:39That's what we're paying you 15 grand for.
00:34:42All right, all right.
00:34:43Don't worry, there won't be no comebacks.
00:34:46What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets, then?
00:34:48Tickets?
00:34:49You only need one, Derek.
00:34:50No, I'm taking my kid brother with me.
00:34:52Taking Rob?
00:34:53What is this, a bloody outing?
00:34:55No.
00:34:56What is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the customs?
00:35:00Look, it's going to be hard enough.
00:35:02What we've slayed during the 7th Cavalry, ferreted about amongst all the duty frees.
00:35:06Don't make it any harder.
00:35:09Very well.
00:35:11We will pay the expenses.
00:35:12It's all right.
00:35:13Don't lump them up too much, though.
00:35:14All right.
00:35:16Right, I'm off.
00:35:18Oh, yeah.
00:35:19I wonder what the smell was all night.
00:35:21Right.
00:35:22We'll see you next Friday when you return.
00:35:24Good luck, Derek.
00:35:25Yeah, best of luck, though, boy.
00:35:28Give us a minute to get clear.
00:35:30No.
00:35:41Thank you!
00:35:42Let's go.
00:36:12Down there. Hoskins, check over the back there.
00:36:30What was that, sir?
00:36:31I don't know. Sounds like a crow.
00:36:33A crow.
00:36:42Oh, my God. Oh, God.
00:36:50He'll throw the bloody key away.
00:36:54Come on, get on with it. We'll never get home tonight. Any luck?
00:36:58Not yet, sir.
00:37:00Not yet, sir.
00:37:01Hoskins, Parker.
00:37:02This looks promising.
00:37:03This looks promising.
00:37:04This looks promising, sir.
00:37:05This looks promising, sir.
00:37:06This looks promising, sir.
00:37:07This looks promising, sir.
00:37:08This looks promising, sir.
00:37:09This looks promising, sir.
00:37:10This looks promising, sir.
00:37:11This looks promising, sir.
00:37:12This looks promising, sir.
00:37:13This looks promising, sir.
00:37:15This looks promising, sir.
00:37:16Take over, Hoskins.
00:37:17This looks promising, sir.
00:37:18Take over, Hoskins.
00:37:20Alright, Parker.
00:37:21Hi, Parker.
00:37:30This looks promising, sir.
00:37:33Take over, Hoskins.
00:37:37Alright, Parker.
00:37:42Me?
00:37:43It's all right, Parker.
00:37:48Me?
00:38:03What is that?
00:38:04I don't know, but whatever it is, it's been dead a fortnight.
00:38:07Right. We'll have a quick shuff to go with her back, then we'll call it a night.
00:38:13Some of these lorry drivers invite crime, don't they?
00:38:20Some of them.
00:38:48Toi go on lawn.
00:38:58Toi go on lawn.
00:39:08Toi go on lawn lawn.
00:39:15Toi go on lawn.
00:39:16Get you, you clunker!
00:39:27Oh, come on, please!
00:39:31Please, I'll clean you, I'll clean you!
00:39:34Oh, boy, we've got one alone!
00:39:46Denzel! Denzel, this is your friend speaking!
00:39:55Please!
00:39:57I'll do you and I'll get hold of you!
00:40:03Bloody hoax, phone calls, my last case, I have to put up with jokers.
00:40:07Check your desk, Hoskins, we might have had some new reports.
00:40:11No, nothing yet, sir.
00:40:13I want a watch put on Boise and Abdul.
00:40:15I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do.
00:40:18They've got to make their moves soon.
00:40:21Who's the courier, Hoskins?
00:40:23I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from.
00:40:27But I don't know who's bringing it in.
00:40:29Bound to be local, sir.
00:40:31Oh, yeah, wouldn't go far outside the parish.
00:40:33You've got to have someone they can trust. But who?
00:40:36It's a mystery, sir.
00:40:39No one's behaving in an unusual manner.
00:40:41Well, no more unusual than normal.
00:40:45Everybody's just carrying on the same.
00:40:47Except the trotters.
00:40:48Went around the estate, their van's missing.
00:40:51Toward the area, no sign of it.
00:40:53Maybe it's been nicked, sir.
00:40:54Nicked?
00:40:56If someone's nicked that three-wheel van of theirs,
00:40:58we've got a dangerous maniac on our hands.
00:41:02Take your point, sir.
00:41:03Something's just struck me, Hoskins.
00:41:07Maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy.
00:41:11All these years he may have been fooling us with his nine-carat gold and his wide-awake suits.
00:41:16I mean, Del Boy's well acquainted with the ways of this world.
00:41:19He knows all the wrinkles. He invented a lot of them himself.
00:41:23And his soppy brother's got GCEs.
00:41:25What are you trying to say, sir?
00:41:28What I'm saying is, Hoskins,
00:41:31maybe them two's more intelligent than we've given them credit for.
00:41:35Yeah.
00:41:37It's all beginning to fit.
00:41:39The Dutch firm are the suppliers.
00:41:40Boisey and Abdul are the money men.
00:41:44And the trotters...
00:41:46are the brains.
00:41:49Dend the sound!
00:41:57You could be right, sir.
00:41:59I was only joking, Hoskins.
00:42:01For God's sake, you've got no sense of humour.
00:42:05Sorry, sir.
00:42:10I'm gonna be.
00:42:11I'm not going to even sleep.
00:42:12I'll be.
00:42:14I'm not going to sleep.
00:42:15I'm not going to sleep.
00:42:16I'm not going to sleep.
00:42:17What a lie!
00:42:23Dend your...
00:42:25Dend-Dend-Dend-Dend-Dend-Dend.
00:42:32What a lie!
00:42:33Lots of music as always, and this one is as a special request for all the truckers listening in this morning.
00:43:03It's a pound.
00:43:30What?
00:43:31I said that's a pound.
00:43:33I've got 75 pence.
00:43:40Well, that's not a pound, is it?
00:43:42Oh, no, but this has only got three wheels.
00:43:45That's only got two, but it's still a pound.
00:43:54Now, honey, be careful where you dump that thing, will you?
00:43:58Funny, isn't it?
00:43:59I'm laughing, look!
00:44:00How's your tea, Dan?
00:44:17No, you want that breakfast?
00:44:19Yeah, of course I do.
00:44:20Just a bit drowsy, that's all.
00:44:21You've been overworking, love.
00:44:24I've seen it before with you lorry drivers, trying to work 25 hours a day.
00:44:28I know the money's good, lovey, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary.
00:44:32I'm always like this after a night drive.
00:44:34You're looking tired, lovey.
00:44:37You're dark round the eyes.
00:44:39I'm dark around everywhere, though.
00:44:41Listen, don't you worry about me.
00:44:42I'm a big, strong lad, you know.
00:44:44I'll prove it to you.
00:44:45I'm not talking about physical illness.
00:44:49There's no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain.
00:44:54I've seen it happen to them, lovey.
00:44:56In what?
00:44:57Young, fit men.
00:44:59Went to pieces.
00:45:01Started hearing things and seeing things.
00:45:04You slow down, lovey, or you'll go the same way.
00:45:07You slow down, lovey.
00:45:37Tell?
00:45:51That you, Rodney?
00:45:54Yes, me.
00:45:56I knew you'd come and save me.
00:45:59You're a saint, Rodgers.
00:46:02You're a 42, Jared a saint.
00:46:05Come on, let's get you out of here.
00:46:07Here, what do you think?
00:46:09Oh, it's been a nightmare, Rodney.
00:46:13A bloody nightmare.
00:46:15Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that.
00:46:18Luke, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea?
00:46:20No, I'm sure we ain't got time for all day.
00:46:22We've got to get the aeroplane tickets and a lot, haven't we, eh?
00:46:25Come on, let's go.
00:46:26Come on, Rodney, come on.
00:46:31What the bloody hell am I?
00:46:33How?
00:46:36How?
00:46:37What, Harlan?
00:46:42What's his name?
00:46:44Yorkshire, yeah.
00:46:47What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull?
00:46:50Well, this is where Denzel brought you, innit?
00:46:52His mate's probably got a load to pick up.
00:46:54Bloody half-head Denzel.
00:46:56Oh, get him, you just see if I don't.
00:46:58Oi, don't you think you ought to have a rest, eh?
00:47:00Get your strength back.
00:47:01No, I don't, Rodney.
00:47:02Just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible.
00:47:05Otherwise, I'll be saying, eh,
00:47:06I'll be up and breed him whippets before I'm very much older.
00:47:09Come on.
00:47:09Switch that off, Rodney.
00:47:28I'll take a look.
00:47:32What?
00:47:34Boats.
00:47:35Oh, yeah.
00:47:36Big boats, little boats.
00:47:37Yeah, there's a red one, white one, look.
00:47:44But don't you see, Rodney?
00:47:47See what?
00:47:48Slater's got all the airports covered.
00:47:50Why's he got all the airports covered?
00:47:52Because that's how he thinks that we're getting back into the country.
00:47:55Yeah.
00:47:55But that's how we are getting back into the country.
00:47:59Not anymore, we ain't.
00:48:00We're going by boat.
00:48:02Oh, yes.
00:48:03Like it.
00:48:04Derek.
00:48:05Yeah, we get a ferry.
00:48:07Not the ferry, you plonk, huh?
00:48:13The customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports.
00:48:18No, we're going to sail across in our own little boat.
00:48:23Sorry?
00:48:24We're going to sail out of here, to Holland and back again,
00:48:28and no one will be any the wiser.
00:48:29We, we are going to, us, in the sea.
00:48:37Hmm.
00:48:38Look, it's not far, look.
00:48:40It's only across the water there, look, isn't it, eh?
00:48:43I mean, I remember seeing it on the map.
00:48:44It's only, only that far.
00:48:47Derek, we'll die.
00:48:49No, it'll be a piece of cake.
00:48:51We'll be in and out of there like a sour plum.
00:48:54We don't know the first thing about sailing a boat.
00:48:57Oh, Rodney, Rodney, use your filbert.
00:49:04I'm going to get one with an engine.
00:49:16Yes.
00:49:23Yes.
00:49:23Ah, hi there, shipmate.
00:49:47Morning.
00:49:47Any idea where I could hire a boat round here?
00:49:51You want to hire a boat?
00:49:53Yeah.
00:49:53What kind of a boat?
00:49:54Oh, um, a schooner.
00:49:56Schooner?
00:49:57Yeah, with an engine.
00:49:59Schooner with an engine?
00:50:00Yeah.
00:50:02Follow me, shipmate.
00:50:03I might have just a thing for you.
00:50:05Oh.
00:50:06Tally ho.
00:50:07Well, Rodney, what do you reckon?
00:50:13What?
00:50:14Oh, this boat's got woodworm.
00:50:17Oh, that's not woodworm.
00:50:19Let's just, um, let's just, um, what is that?
00:50:24That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years.
00:50:26Just where the rope has worn it away through the years.
00:50:28It's sort of wear and tear, isn't it?
00:50:30And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?
00:50:33This is a sturdy vessel, sir, built of very mature timber.
00:50:38In upper words, it's old.
00:50:39Well, the old ones are the best ones, Rodney.
00:50:41No, we're talking about boats now, Dale, not your birds.
00:50:44Oi, don't push your luck, you saucy git.
00:50:47I'll leave you two alone to discuss it.
00:50:49I'll be over here.
00:50:51Yeah.
00:50:51Uh, okay, yes.
00:50:53Ahoy there, shipmate.
00:50:55Um, we'll be ashore in a minute.
00:50:58Yeah, uh, we'll go ashore, what, about seven bells, eh, Dale?
00:51:01Well, uh, will you pipe him ashore, or shall I?
00:51:05I'm beginning to lose my tempo, Rodney.
00:51:07You'll cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
00:51:13You're not really letting your boat out to them southern Nancys, are you?
00:51:16Oh, yes.
00:51:18You'll never see it again.
00:51:20That vessel is worth ten thousand pounds.
00:51:23At least that's what it's in on the insurance papers.
00:51:28Oh, come on, Rodney.
00:51:30Hey, we can do it.
00:51:32You know, he who dares wins.
00:51:34Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything.
00:51:38Dale, I'll tell you now, there's no way us two can sell this thing to Holland and back.
00:51:43What?
00:51:43But us two?
00:51:45You think that we're going to sell it?
00:51:48Is that what you thought?
00:51:49That us pair of wallies are going to take this thing out on the ISCs?
00:51:52Oh, yeah.
00:51:56Of course we're not.
00:51:59Now I'm going to get us a skipper.
00:52:01An experienced man to do the sailing.
00:52:05So there's going to be someone in charge.
00:52:07Of course there is.
00:52:09You didn't think I was going to risk our lives, did you?
00:52:15Oh, come here, you dipstick.
00:52:20Dear God.
00:52:22Leave it out, Rodney.
00:52:24That is England's greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada.
00:52:30Ahoy there!
00:52:31Yeah, yeah.
00:52:32Ship ahoy!
00:52:32Dale, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sank.
00:52:38I know.
00:52:39Luck's got to change sometime, hasn't it, Rodney?
00:52:41Ha, ha!
00:52:42All right, Uncle Elbert?
00:52:43All ship shape and Bristol fashion.
00:52:45He's got all the dialogue, hasn't he?
00:52:46Good, good.
00:52:47Come on, then.
00:52:48Right, now, listen.
00:52:49Did you bring the past box?
00:52:50In the old duffel bag.
00:52:52Good, good.
00:52:52Did you bring some clothes?
00:52:54I feel some of me old jumpers in.
00:52:55Lovely.
00:52:56Did you bring our clothes?
00:52:57Did you want me to bring you some, then?
00:52:59Oh, what do you think I phoned up about?
00:53:01I thought you meant my clothes.
00:53:04We haven't had a wash or a change of clothes for two days now.
00:53:08Well, how am I supposed to know that?
00:53:09We don't do it a lot of working out, don't we?
00:53:11Look at it.
00:53:12You'd have explained it.
00:53:12Oi, you two.
00:53:15All right, calm down, calm down.
00:53:18Don't worry.
00:53:18We'll sort something out.
00:53:21All right.
00:53:22Come on, Skipper.
00:53:23Let's show you your vessel.
00:53:24Yeah, I'd like to look her over, Dale.
00:53:26Make sure she meets with my approval.
00:53:28Bleeding shame if she don't, because we sail in half an hour.
00:53:36All right, Albert, slow down.
00:53:38You're going too fast.
00:53:40You're going too fast.
00:53:41Slow down.
00:53:43Don't...
00:53:43Right.
00:53:44Right a bit.
00:53:45Eh?
00:53:46To your right.
00:53:48You mean starboard.
00:53:50I mean right.
00:53:51Don't start all that Captain Birdseye, bloody cobblers.
00:53:54I said right.
00:53:56Come on, right.
00:53:59Now, you've gone too far now.
00:54:00You're too far.
00:54:01Come on.
00:54:02Come over to your left.
00:54:05Left.
00:54:06I said...
00:54:07I said left.
00:54:08That's port side.
00:54:10I'll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute.
00:54:13Well, I say left.
00:54:14I mean left.
00:54:14Mind this little boat down there, eh?
00:54:21What's...
00:54:22What's this...
00:54:22What's this little boat down there?
00:54:28Sorry, mate.
00:54:30What did you say, pal?
00:54:32And to you, son.
00:54:35Cheeky git.
00:54:37All right.
00:54:38Come to your right again now.
00:54:40I'll bet you're doing very well.
00:54:41Not now.
00:54:42What are you doing up there?
00:54:44I've got some bite to stand.
00:54:45So what?
00:54:46Look.
00:54:47Come right again.
00:54:49It's over work, that's all.
00:54:51Too many hours in that lorry cab.
00:54:53All you need is a little relaxation and some fresh air.
00:54:57That's all.
00:55:12Gordon Bennett!
00:55:14I'm sick.
00:55:18I'm sick.
00:55:19I'm sick.
00:55:23I feel sick, though.
00:55:25What?
00:55:26I'll leave it out, you tart.
00:55:28We've only just started.
00:55:30It's only just a little ripple.
00:55:32Wait till we get out there on the big waves.
00:55:34We'll be going up and down and up and down.
00:55:40It's just like the Big Dipper.
00:55:41Woo!
00:55:42Woo!
00:55:42Hee!
00:55:43Oh, God.
00:55:45Huh?
00:55:46That's it, Roddy.
00:55:47Go on, cough it up.
00:55:48Could be an ace.
00:55:49He-he-he-he-he.
00:55:52Ooh!
00:55:53It's an old jingle running down the spine, this, doesn't it?
00:55:56Ha-ha!
00:55:57Well, it's in the blood, of course.
00:55:58Ah, this island race, this septic isle.
00:56:05Yeah.
00:56:05Ha-ha, it's rich.
00:56:06We've got salt water flowing through our veins.
00:56:09Oh, we've shut up about blood and veins.
00:56:12And when you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters and
00:56:18they go and discover a new world and stitch the day goes up, it makes you feel very, very
00:56:29proud.
00:56:36Robin Hood, Robin Hood, with his band-a-mane, Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the
00:56:47glen, feared by the good...
00:56:51Don't you've got any idea where we are?
00:56:56Well, not really, Dale.
00:56:58I've never got the hang of these charts.
00:57:00Well, then how in God's nine did you expect to get us across to Holland?
00:57:04Well, Dale said it weren't all that far.
00:57:06Well, it ain't all that far if you're going in the right, bleeding direction.
00:57:10Should have been in Holland five hours ago.
00:57:14Look at it.
00:57:14Middle of the poxy, bleeding night and not a wimp mill anywhere.
00:57:18Thought you said that you could sail a boat.
00:57:20Well, it went, didn't it?
00:57:21I know it went.
00:57:22Yeah, it went all right.
00:57:23But where?
00:57:24Hey?
00:57:25Look, Albert, where is our position?
00:57:29Well, we're, er...
00:57:32We're here, aren't we?
00:57:34Sort of.
00:57:35Oh, right.
00:57:38So, according to all your calculations, we're just off the Strait of Gibraltar, but we're also
00:57:44very close to Copenhagen.
00:57:46Well, it narrows it down a little bit, doesn't it?
00:57:49Yeah.
00:57:49In the right ocean, at least.
00:57:51Right.
00:57:52When I was in the Navy, I was a boiler maintenance man.
00:57:56So you've never actually studied navigation at all?
00:57:59Boiler maintenance men didn't have to.
00:58:01See, the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going.
00:58:05Look, we can't be far away, can we?
00:58:07I mean, seem to go pretty straight, didn't we?
00:58:10Pretty...
00:58:11He's something else, isn't he?
00:58:12And what about all the currents they've got around here, oh?
00:58:15We could have drifted anywhere by now.
00:58:17Yes.
00:58:18He's right and all, hey.
00:58:20We're in the middle of the North Sea, aren't we?
00:58:21We've got more currents than I've crossed the bum.
00:58:25Let's not panic, eh?
00:58:26We'll wait till the morning.
00:58:27Bound to see Zoe.
00:58:28Oh, yeah.
00:58:30We'll keep our eyes peeled for tulips.
00:58:32Listen out for the sound of clocks.
00:58:40Stars?
00:58:40What's the stars?
00:58:45The stars?
00:58:47You don't need to read your horoscope, Rodney, to realise you're in dead lumber.
00:58:51Them stars.
00:58:54You can steer a ship by the stars.
00:58:59That's right and all.
00:59:01I remember seeing it once in the OD line.
00:59:03That's a bloody good idea, Rodney.
00:59:05Yeah.
00:59:10There's millions of them, aren't there?
00:59:23It's brilliant.
00:59:24I love it.
00:59:25I just bloody love it.
00:59:31Isn't there anything up there that rings a bell?
00:59:35I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.
00:59:39They've all got names, haven't they?
00:59:40Like the bear.
00:59:42Things like that.
00:59:44Oh, well, can't you just find the bear?
00:59:46Well, what does it look like?
00:59:48Well, it looks like a bloody rabbit, doesn't it?
00:59:50I mean, what do you think a bear looks like?
00:59:52Well, where would I find it?
00:59:54It's standing up there on top of the glacier mint.
00:59:57You're giving me the hump you are, Albert.
00:59:58You're giving me the right hump.
01:00:01Look!
01:00:02Hmm?
01:00:02What?
01:00:03Out there.
01:00:05It's Concord.
01:00:08So?
01:00:10What you saying?
01:00:11Concord.
01:00:18I'm going to kill him.
01:00:18I'm going to kill him, a suppy old bitch.
01:00:20ARGH!
01:00:20I'm going to kill you.
01:00:21How are you?
01:00:21Don't leave him alone.
01:00:23ARGH!
01:00:24I'm going to kill him.
01:00:25There we go, Rodders.
01:00:43There's your tea.
01:00:44Sorry I spilled here.
01:00:46Any luck?
01:00:47No, not a thing.
01:00:49Where's I, Pete?
01:00:50He's down below in the cabin, poncing about with the radio.
01:00:53It's all crackles and isses and dog a bank or something I can't be doing with it.
01:00:57Well, at least he's doing something positive to get us out of this mess.
01:01:00Positive?
01:01:01He's trying to get the Kid Jensen show.
01:01:06Anyway, where are them binoculars?
01:01:13Ahoy.
01:01:15Full ahead both, Mr. Christian.
01:01:18Why?
01:01:20We're going to Holland, Rodders.
01:01:21We're going to Holland.
01:01:23Hey!
01:01:34Oi!
01:01:35Jump!
01:01:38Holland!
01:01:39What?
01:01:40Which way to Holland?
01:01:43Holland?
01:01:45It's over there!
01:01:48Cheers, pal!
01:01:49Albert!
01:01:51It's to the right!
01:01:54Holland is that way!
01:01:57Thank you!
01:02:01Well, Rodney, see?
01:02:03Don't know the way.
01:02:04You've just got to ask someone, haven't you?
01:02:06Fine.
01:02:07What is the plan?
01:02:15What do you keep asking me for?
01:02:16You've got a watch of your own, haven't you?
01:02:17Yes, but it hasn't worked properly since Del sold it to me.
01:02:20It is 5 to 11.
01:02:23That's 5 to 12 their time.
01:02:25The exchange doesn't take place till midday.
01:02:27So just calm down, will you?
01:02:30Calm down, he says.
01:02:31I'm becoming rather concerned about this whole affair.
01:02:34What is worrying you now?
01:02:36You know perfectly well what's worrying me.
01:02:38What happens if Van Cleef discovers the £50,000 is all counterfeit money?
01:02:42And how's he going to do that?
01:02:43He's a Dutchman.
01:02:44He wouldn't know a dodgy English tenor from a real one.
01:02:47Not immediately, perhaps, but in time he may.
01:02:49We have discussed this time and time again.
01:02:53The first thing Van Cleef is going to do is launder that money.
01:02:57He's then going to exchange it at safe houses for Dutch notes.
01:03:01It will then be exchanged time and time again,
01:03:03passed through many hands,
01:03:04until some smart arse discovers it's worthless.
01:03:07But by then it'll be too late,
01:03:08because they won't know who gave it to them.
01:03:10They'll mean that there's their effects.
01:03:14I shouldn't think so.
01:03:16In any case, he's hardly going to voice his doubts
01:03:18with Van Cleef and his heavies in close attendance, is he?
01:03:23There's a minute to go.
01:03:24I wonder if he's there yet.
01:03:26Where are we then?
01:03:28It's obvious, isn't it, eh?
01:03:30We're in Bulgaria.
01:03:32I know that.
01:03:33I know where we are.
01:03:35What I meant was...
01:03:37Well, where are we?
01:03:38This is the North Sea Canal, Rodney.
01:03:41Takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam.
01:03:43Yeah.
01:03:44Just don't act suspicious, Rodney.
01:03:46Just let's pretend we're Dutchmen, right?
01:03:51I act!
01:03:57It's one very part of time.
01:03:58Why ain't he wrong?
01:04:00Maybe they've sunk.
01:04:01Oh, no, they'd have got their Uncle Albert with them.
01:04:05Yeah, maybe they have sunk.
01:04:06PHONE RINGS
01:04:08Hello.
01:04:10Oh, hello, Mr. Biggerstaff.
01:04:14You bought a car off us when?
01:04:17Well, I don't care if you are broken down on the A1.
01:04:20What do you expect me to do about it?
01:04:22Well, my advice to you, pal, is shove it.
01:04:26No, this is not Mr. Boyce speaking.
01:04:27This is his public relations officer.
01:04:29No, this is not Mr. Boyce speaking.
01:04:59We stay down here, all right?
01:05:03Why?
01:05:04Because we don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get up there, do we?
01:05:07Might turn very nasty.
01:05:08Oi, listen, dear.
01:05:09If there's going to be any trouble, I want to be up there with you.
01:05:11I want you to stay down here, Rodney.
01:05:13First sign of any trouble from up there, now you leg it.
01:05:15No.
01:05:16Now, watch, Rodney.
01:05:17You, keep your eye on him.
01:05:18Make sure he stays down here.
01:05:20All right, dear.
01:05:21It's for the best, son.
01:05:22Good afternoon.
01:05:49Derek Trotter from London.
01:06:00Good afternoon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:06:02My name is Derek Trotter.
01:06:06Sorry I'm a bit late.
01:06:07I had a bit of bother, as you can probably see.
01:06:08Not a worry, Mr. Trotter.
01:06:12You're here now.
01:06:14This is Mr. Hussein.
01:06:16I'm Dill's cousin.
01:06:17And these two gentlemen are my assistants.
01:06:20He's a big lad, isn't he?
01:06:22I suppose it's all that cheese he eats, is it?
01:06:27You have the money, Mr. Trotter?
01:06:33Yes, I have the money, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:06:36You have the diamonds?
01:06:36Yes.
01:06:39I have the diamonds.
01:06:50If you'll examine them, I'll make the phone call.
01:06:53Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:07:07It's him.
01:07:08Your man has arrived.
01:07:11Of course.
01:07:14He wants to talk to you.
01:07:15Hello, Pussy.
01:07:35Everything all right, Dill?
01:07:37Yeah.
01:07:38Couldn't be better.
01:07:39He's my cousin there.
01:07:40Is Agdor's cousin there?
01:07:43Yeah.
01:07:44He's checking the merchandise now.
01:07:45These are blue-white stones.
01:07:48Purity absolutely clean.
01:07:50Cut by experts.
01:07:51They are of the finest quality.
01:07:54He says they're parka.
01:07:56The stones are good.
01:07:57Okay, Dill.
01:08:01I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase.
01:08:08It's 714...
01:08:11714...
01:08:13939.
01:08:18939.
01:08:20939.
01:08:21939.
01:08:50939.
01:09:03Good.
01:09:06I believe these are yours, Mr. Trotter.
01:09:10Thank you very much.
01:09:12Boise, we've got a deal.
01:09:14Good.
01:09:16No problems.
01:09:17No.
01:09:18Everything went as sweet as a nut.
01:09:20I'll see you soon.
01:09:22Yeah.
01:09:23Don't forget now, will you?
01:09:24I'll give you a bell.
01:09:28Will you be needing me any longer?
01:09:30No, no.
01:09:30On your way, pal.
01:09:33The exchange is completed.
01:09:39It's nice to do business with you as well.
01:09:43Well, must fly.
01:09:46See you soon, Mr. Van Cleef.
01:09:48Good day, Mr. Trotter.
01:09:50And good luck.
01:09:54Hey, ex.
01:10:05The courier has just left.
01:10:08She'll be with you soon.
01:10:11Trotter.
01:10:12Derek Trotter.
01:10:14All right, Del.
01:10:27Terrific.
01:10:29Well, gentlemen.
01:10:30Del.
01:10:30I come here.
01:10:33Let's go.
01:10:37Leg it!
01:10:38Me, coach!
01:10:48Let's go!
01:10:52Oh!
01:10:52Oh!
01:10:53Ow!
01:10:53Come on!
01:10:54Let's go!
01:10:54Oh, come on!
01:10:56Hell!
01:10:56Kill this!
01:10:56��!
01:10:57Come on, come on.
01:11:21Come on, come on.
01:11:23Come on, you two go on.
01:11:26Come on, come on.
01:11:28I'll be all right.
01:11:29Yeah, all right, come down.
01:11:31We can't leave him.
01:11:32Oh, I know.
01:11:33He's got nothing incriminating on him.
01:11:35I know, come on.
01:11:36You can't leave the poor old sod to face the music, can you?
01:11:39Come down.
01:11:40All right, all right, look, look.
01:11:42Hands up.
01:11:43No rough stuff, eh?
01:11:45You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
01:11:57What did you shout run for?
01:12:00Eh?
01:12:01It wasn't me.
01:12:02It was him.
01:12:03Oh, I didn't.
01:12:04It was nothing to do with me.
01:12:06Yes, you did.
01:12:07I hate you.
01:12:08Come out of the building, didn't I?
01:12:10I hate you.
01:12:11I hate you.
01:12:12I hate you.
01:12:13You called, sir?
01:12:28We got our mind, Hoskins.
01:12:30Del?
01:12:31But how did you find out, sir?
01:12:32I've got a funny feeling in my water.
01:12:33Remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling?
01:12:34Oh, you mean the antibiotics?
01:12:35No, I don't mean that.
01:12:36I'm talking about the time I nicked that little packy gang for bringing in cocaine mixed
01:12:37with curry powder.
01:12:38Oh, yeah.
01:12:39That was a good hunch of yours, sir.
01:12:40Have a look at this.
01:12:41I've got Davies and Skinner covering Luton Airport.
01:12:42There's a ten-man team at Heathrow.
01:12:43There's a ten-man team at Heathrow.
01:12:44Oh, yeah.
01:12:45That was a good hunch of yours, sir.
01:12:46Have a look at this.
01:12:47I've got Davies and Skinner covering Luton Airport.
01:12:49There's a ten-man team at Heathrow.
01:12:50Oh, yeah.
01:12:51You and me are at Gatwick.
01:12:52Right, Hoskins.
01:12:53I'm going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance.
01:13:08Remember patience, Hoskins.
01:13:10Be prepared for a long, long wait.
01:13:14Also, suspect everyone.
01:13:17But what's the most important thing we have to do, Hoskins?
01:13:22Uh, I don't know, sir.
01:13:29Oh, yeah.
01:13:30We're sobreros.
01:13:32What do I look like?
01:13:35Well...
01:13:36Uh, carry on, sir.
01:13:38I look like an ordinary holiday maker, don't I?
01:13:41Oh, I see.
01:13:42Blending to the surroundings.
01:13:44The first rule of surveillance is don't look conspicuous.
01:13:51I'll have to get you something, Hoskins.
01:13:53You look a right tit.
01:13:58How can we be lost again?
01:14:01I thought you'd know the way by now.
01:14:04So did I.
01:14:05It all looks the same to me.
01:14:08I feel sick.
01:14:10Oh, shut up, Rodney.
01:14:12Look, why can't we just go back the way we came?
01:14:16That's what I've been trying to do.
01:14:19Del, there's a ship.
01:14:21Oh, well, that's a turn up for the book, isn't it, eh?
01:14:25This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship.
01:14:28Oh, it's the New Orleans.
01:14:31It's the New Orleans!
01:14:33We saw that back in Port just before we left England.
01:14:36Del, that is the Zebrugger to Hull ferry!
01:14:38Right, so it's the Zebrugger to Hull...
01:14:39The Ze...
01:14:40Ah!
01:14:41Good boy, Rodney!
01:14:42Well spotted!
01:14:43Helbert!
01:14:44Yeah?
01:14:45Follow that boat!
01:14:46Four o'clock, they're still not back.
01:15:01It's not four o'clock, it's half past twelve.
01:15:05Bloody watch.
01:15:10They're still a day late, though.
01:15:12Something has gone wrong.
01:15:13Del phoned me this morning at half past seven.
01:15:16He's back in England.
01:15:17They even got through customs without a hitch.
01:15:20They probably got held up on the way...
01:15:22Let Popeye out the back, will you, Rodney?
01:15:43Where the hell are you, but...
01:15:47All right, all right, all right.
01:15:50They had a little bit of trouble.
01:15:52You know, got lost in the middle of the North Sea.
01:15:56Then Rodney spotted the Zebrugger to Hull ferry,
01:15:59so we followed it.
01:16:00And that's how you got to Hull?
01:16:02No, that is how we got to Zebrugger.
01:16:04It was going the wrong bloody way.
01:16:06So we had to wait for it to turn round,
01:16:08and then we followed it back.
01:16:09Okay, well, you're here now, anyway.
01:16:17Okay, you got the diamonds?
01:16:19You got the money?
01:16:28Here's your money.
01:16:29I'll put it on the table.
01:16:31Don't doubt it.
01:16:32On the table, on the table.
01:16:33On the table.
01:16:50Buenos dias.
01:16:51Bloody hell.
01:16:52Slater!
01:16:53Oh, no, no, no!
01:16:54Come on, Rodney!
01:16:55Wait, this way!
01:16:56At the back!
01:16:57Here!
01:16:58Let's get to the...
01:16:59They're pretty, aren't they?
01:17:12Um...
01:17:13Inspector Slater.
01:17:15Inspector Slater.
01:17:16Chief!
01:17:17Inspector!
01:17:19My apologies.
01:17:20Chief Inspector.
01:17:22Couldn't we discuss this in a civilised and gentlemanly manner?
01:17:25What's to discuss?
01:17:26I've got you banged to rights.
01:17:33You smell like a mackerel trawler.
01:17:35So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea?
01:17:38Oh, so you came in by sea, did you?
01:17:41I just spent 18 hours waiting at Gatwick Airport for you.
01:17:44Who is this little person?
01:17:45Don't tell me.
01:17:46You're a trotter, aren't you?
01:17:47I'm the boy's uncle.
01:17:48Yeah, you can see the family resemblance.
01:17:50It's those shifty little rodent eyes and the furtive movement of the feet.
01:17:54Dead giveaway.
01:17:55This is a very sad day for me.
01:17:58My very last case, enough to nick two of me old school friends.
01:18:02Still, never mind, eh?
01:18:0830.
01:18:10Spot on.
01:18:14Roy!
01:18:17Give us a break, will ya?
01:18:20It wasn't us that smuggled those diamonds in.
01:18:24It was Del Boy.
01:18:27Yes, he's right, Chief Inspector.
01:18:29It was nothing to do with us.
01:18:30It was them three.
01:18:33No, no, no, it was just me, Slater.
01:18:36No, I was the brains behind it.
01:18:42Oh, all right then.
01:18:45It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this.
01:18:50What am I to do?
01:18:57Away you go, Parker.
01:18:58Let's go.
01:19:01All right.
01:19:03I've reached a decision.
01:19:05There are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation.
01:19:08One, I take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece.
01:19:14Or two, I walk out of here and pretend it never happened.
01:19:17Yeah, that sounds a good scheme, Roy.
01:19:20Let's pretend it never happened.
01:19:22Yes, I will go along with that.
01:19:26What do you think, Del Boy?
01:19:29I think something smells very fishy around here.
01:19:31And it ain't just these clothes.
01:19:34How come you knew there was 30 diamonds in that bag?
01:19:37Yeah.
01:19:38And how come you knew who was involved right from the start?
01:19:41Just a minute.
01:19:42When we were in the cafe the other day, that bloke you were telling us about that you couldn't nick for smugging diamonds because of lack of evidence.
01:19:49What was his name?
01:19:50You mean Hendrick?
01:19:51Yeah.
01:19:52His surname wouldn't have been Van Cleef by any chance, would it?
01:19:57You found me out, you rascal.
01:20:00What?
01:20:02You and Van Cleef?
01:20:03That's right.
01:20:04He offered me a little business deal.
01:20:07He sets up a bunch of wallies who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country and I pick them up this side of the water.
01:20:13Not only do we get paid at both ends, you take all the risks.
01:20:17Brilliant, innit?
01:20:19It's the third time we've pulled it off.
01:20:22And there is nothing you can do about it.
01:20:25Unless, of course, you fancy spelling the scrubs.
01:20:29Well, gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business, don't you?
01:20:35Aren't you going to wish me good luck for the future?
01:20:38No?
01:20:40Oh, well. Win some, lose some.
01:20:42Why don't we bump into each other one of these days, Slater?
01:20:48I don't think so, dull boy. I'm going a long way away from here.
01:20:53Cheer up, lads. Still got your freedom.
01:20:56You burkhaddle!
01:21:02How was I to know Van Cleef was a crook? Bloody foreigner.
01:21:12Where are you going, dull?
01:21:14Am I going?
01:21:16I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start.
01:21:20Going home.
01:21:21Look, don't get the hump with us. We ain't done nothing.
01:21:25You ain't done nothing?
01:21:27You sent me half way round the world.
01:21:30I've been to Amsterdam. I've been to Hallenbeck.
01:21:33For what?
01:21:35Slater's taken the diamonds, he's taken the money.
01:21:38On top of all that, my two mates have grassed me up.
01:21:41Well, it wasn't actually grassy, yeah?
01:21:42No, no, no, no. It was...
01:21:44It was more of a diversity tactic.
01:21:46Yeah, to divert the blame from yourselves.
01:21:49Go on, Rodney.
01:21:51Albert.
01:21:53Let's go home.
01:21:56Go on, Rodney.
01:21:59Albert.
01:22:01Let's go home.
01:22:16I can't understand, sir.
01:22:19Not a single clue to the diamonds whereabouts.
01:22:21Not a thing. They were all as clean as whistles.
01:22:24This was the third time we followed the diamonds.
01:22:27And this is the third time we've drawn a blank.
01:22:30That's the way it goes in this game.
01:22:32Maybe I'm past it, Hoskins.
01:22:34My hunches don't seem to pay off anymore.
01:22:37Just as well I'm taking early retirement.
01:22:40Do you know what I think?
01:22:42No.
01:22:43To be honest, I'm not really interested.
01:22:44You're not paid to think, Hoskins.
01:22:46You're paid to do your job and drive me home.
01:22:48Yes, sir.
01:22:51Where you going, Hoskins? Isn't the way to my house?
01:22:54No, I know it isn't, sir.
01:22:56What's all this?
01:23:00They've known about you for a long time.
01:23:04And they just couldn't catch you in possession.
01:23:07Till now, sir.
01:23:09You've set me up.
01:23:11You've set yourself up, sir.
01:23:12Look, Hoskins.
01:23:14Terence.
01:23:16Use your loaf.
01:23:18Help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man.
01:23:21Money from them other diamonds is in a bank account.
01:23:24I'll let you have half.
01:23:26What do you think?
01:23:28You seem to forget, sir.
01:23:30I don't think.
01:23:32I only do my job.
01:23:33It's my job.
01:24:03I think we should phone the police.
01:24:05Phone the police?
01:24:06Oh, yeah.
01:24:08And what are we going to tell them?
01:24:10A bent copper disguised as the Cisco kids stole our smuggled diamonds?
01:24:14Yeah, you have a point.
01:24:16Well, anyway, at least the only money we lost was counterfeit.
01:24:19Apart from the fifteen grand slate are half-inched.
01:24:25You mean that was real?
01:24:28I drew it out of the bank Friday.
01:24:31I didn't intend to pay Del Boyd funny money.
01:24:35I ain't into plastic surgery.
01:24:38I am gutted.
01:24:42Gutted.
01:24:49Del?
01:24:50All right, all right. Hold on. Hold on a minute.
01:24:55Oi, listen, you two.
01:24:58This hasn't turned out as bad as you think.
01:25:01It hasn't turned out as bad as we think.
01:25:04It's turned out bloody well, Rodney.
01:25:07Albert Porter drinks.
01:25:09What do you want, Rodney?
01:25:11Well, an explanation would be nice.
01:25:16Listen to me.
01:25:17You know that fifty grand that we took over to Amsterdam?
01:25:21Was counterfeit.
01:25:23It was counterfeit?
01:25:25And you knew?
01:25:27Well, not till they opened the case in Van Cleef's office, I didn't.
01:25:30There's one thing I do know about, Rodney, and that is kosher reddies.
01:25:34Oh, cheers.
01:25:36You didn't tell no one?
01:25:38Oh, yes. I said, excuse me, Mr. Van Cleef, all that money, it's Mickey Mouse money.
01:25:42Of course I didn't.
01:25:44I just stood there and prayed. Of course me old April was going like a moped.
01:25:46Fortunately, he gave the money to these two gorillas to check.
01:25:49And, well, they were about as bright as an eclipse.
01:25:52He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he.
01:25:55So, Boisey and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?
01:25:59Uh-huh.
01:26:00Right. We're gonna get even with them for that, ain't we?
01:26:03We already have, Rodney.
01:26:04Aye?
01:26:05Go on, Albert. Show him.
01:26:07Hold your hand out.
01:26:18They're real, aren't they?
01:26:20They're top of the range, my son.
01:26:22Blue-white, purity, absolutely clean.
01:26:24They are, as they say in France, chasse de forme.
01:26:30Oh, no, hold on.
01:26:32Slater picked up 30 diamonds.
01:26:34No, he didn't.
01:26:35He took 28 diamonds and two cat's eyes.
01:26:38Oh, Derek.
01:26:42Oh, who's a pretty boy, then?
01:26:45Worth about five grand each.
01:26:49Well, by the time we put them through the fence,
01:26:51we'll get, what, six grand for the pair.
01:26:54Six thousand pounds split three ways means
01:26:58that you two get one thousand pounds each in your skies.
01:27:00Yeah!
01:27:03Eh?
01:27:05Well, actually, we got slightly more than that, Derek.
01:27:08Hmm? What do you mean?
01:27:09You know that 15 grand that went missing?
01:27:11It didn't go missing.
01:27:12That bark Slater picked it up, didn't he?
01:27:15Oh, Slater didn't pick it up.
01:27:17Hmm?
01:27:18I did.
01:27:24You crafted little sod, Rodney.
01:27:27Well, you know, it was just there, lying on the table.
01:27:29And in all that confusion, when we tried to escape,
01:27:32I could just hear it saying,
01:27:34Daddy.
01:27:35Daddy.
01:27:37So I picked it up.
01:27:40You know what we're going to do with this money, Rodney?
01:27:43Yes.
01:27:44We'll invest it.
01:27:45We'll make it work for us.
01:27:47This time next year, I will be millionaires.
01:27:50Or shall we go to Benidorm?
01:27:52Now, I'll show you what we're going to do with it.
01:27:59For a minute, I thought he threw that 15 grand out the window.
01:28:15Don't be silly, hunk.
01:28:18I may need to do a silly thing like that.
01:28:27It was boys' money, weren't it?
01:28:29It was fake.
01:28:30Dad.
01:28:31It's a counterfeit.
01:28:32But...
01:28:34It looked genuine enough to me,
01:28:35because, you know,
01:28:36it had all the little watermarks in it
01:28:38and the little silver strips and everything.
01:28:41Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
01:28:43What do you think I am, eh?
01:28:44Some sort of wally.
01:28:47TUNK TUNK TUNK TUNK TUNK TUNK
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