- 2 days ago
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00:00It's the toughest chicken I've ever known.
00:30He's asked me for a fight in a car park twice.
00:33All right, come on, what's upset you?
00:36Me? No, don't worry about me, Rodney.
00:38I'm not worried about you.
00:39I'm worried about the fibre I spent on this ticket.
00:42I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves, you know.
00:44What's the matter?
00:45No, it's just that I went round to Lenny Morris' little kid's christening today, you know.
00:50It was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room.
00:53You know, his mum and dad were there and his wife and his little baby.
00:57And I thought, you know, he's got all his family round him.
01:02He's got a real family.
01:05And what have I got?
01:06You've got us.
01:08Yeah, I thought of that.
01:10That is when I left.
01:11You know that rich bird what he's been seeing lately, her with the nose?
01:16Well, she's just giving the whole evo.
01:19No.
01:21Oh, well, that explains it, doesn't it?
01:22Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.
01:24What sort of gear?
01:26Well, her dad left her a chain of laundrettes in his will, right?
01:29Del's gone and lumbered himself with two tonne of hooky pursil.
01:31Oh, well, don't you say nothing, Rodney.
01:35You told me in confidence.
01:37No, no, of course not.
01:38Right, here I am.
01:38Come on.
01:39Get somebody's gut rocked down your neck.
01:42Oh, come on, Bill.
01:43Cheer up, eh?
01:44Yeah.
01:45I'll tell you what.
01:45Let's have a family sing song like any old days, eh?
01:48Yeah, all right.
01:49All right, come on and go on, Rodney.
01:50Start us off.
01:51Yeah, right.
01:51All together.
01:52We're going to hang out the washing on the same green light.
01:56Have the green and dirty washing.
01:58Oi, Enrico.
02:04Enrico.
02:05Come here, mate, will you?
02:06Si, senor.
02:07Listen, do us a favour, will you?
02:09Sing old Shep for me, will you?
02:11Oh, leave it out, Del.
02:13Not old Shep again.
02:14We're trying to enjoy ourselves.
02:15You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog.
02:21Sing old Shep.
02:23Senor, it's not possible to sing the old Shep song.
02:27That is, uh, how do you say, uh, the tragic song.
02:30It makes the tears fall from the eyes.
02:33Come on, sing old Shep.
02:37Look, leave it out, will you, Del boy?
02:38I've got a living to earn.
02:42That's a killer of a song.
02:44Once I've sung that, the evening's finished.
02:46Look, I'll sing another song for you, eh?
02:51Any other song.
02:53But no way do I sing old Shep.
03:00Sing old Shep.
03:02When I was a lad and old Shep was a bum
03:11O'er the hill and the river we roared
03:17Just a boy and his bum
03:22We were just full of fun
03:26We grew up together that way
03:33But if dogs have a heaven
03:38There's one thing I know
03:42Old Shep has a wonderful home
03:51Bravo!
03:57Bravo, Enrico.
03:58Di Stefano, my son.
04:00Di Stefano.
04:01Oh, Puscus, Puscus.
04:03That is my most favourite song
04:07About a dog, that is, you know?
04:09Yeah.
04:09I mean, that song's about dead dogs go
04:11It's a real mind-bender, isn't it?
04:14Only trouble is nobody likes it.
04:16Say, do.
04:17Say, do I like it?
04:18And that young lady over there
04:19She likes it?
04:25Excuse me, gentlemen
04:26I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on.
04:30Del, Del.
04:31While you're over there
04:32Asked your cultural encounter
04:33If she's all right for Purcell.
04:46Good evening.
04:46Oh, hello.
04:47Do you mind if I park my bot?
04:49No, please.
04:50A drink?
04:51No, thank you.
04:51Oh.
04:53Well, that was...
04:54Oh, sorry.
04:56That was a lovely song, that, ain't it?
04:58Beautiful, eh?
04:58Always gets me right here, that does, yes.
05:00Always brings back such poignant memories.
05:04Did you have an old dog?
05:06Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time.
05:10Sorry, um...
05:11Sorry, what did you say your name was?
05:12Heather.
05:13Heather.
05:13Heather.
05:14That's a beautiful name, that, isn't it?
05:15Heather.
05:16It's one of my most favourite names there, ever.
05:19My name is Del.
05:20It's short for Derek.
05:23Do you know what the word Derek means?
05:25No, I don't.
05:27No, nor do I.
05:28I'm always meaning to check it up.
05:30I'm very surprised to see a charming young lady like yourself here on her own.
05:34Well, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here.
05:38Girlfriend.
05:38But she doesn't seem to have shown up, so I was just about to leave.
05:41Well, don't blame you.
05:43Now he's sung that song, it's stone dead in here, ain't it, eh?
05:45Listen, I hope you don't think I'm being fooled or nothing,
05:48but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.
05:52Well, I'm not sure.
05:53It's getting home in early hours.
05:55Well, there's no bother, no, I can always drop you off.
05:57You know, do you live local?
05:58Brixton.
05:59Oh, Brixton.
05:59Do you really?
06:00Oh, that's funny, that is.
06:01Funny I haven't seen you before, because I do a lot of work down there, you know, in Rourke's Drift.
06:08What line are you in?
06:10I'm an importer-exporter of quality merchandise.
06:18You know, antiques, that sort of thing.
06:20And I tend to specialise in Parisian haute couture fashion, you know, and special objet d'art, modern works of art, it's all going on.
06:28Sounds fascinating.
06:29Oh, yes, it is.
06:30Oh, I tell you what, if you're interested, I've got some very cheap washing powder.
06:36Oh, that's right.
06:39Right.
06:42Yeah.
06:47Sorry about the lines.
06:49Sorry.
06:50The landlord took the bulb out.
06:53He says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy.
06:56It's a rare combination, isn't it?
06:58A rent collector and a friend of the earth.
07:00Oh, mine is dead.
07:03Oh!
07:07Well, this is it.
07:09I told you it wasn't much of a flat, didn't I?
07:12Well, then, it could be worse.
07:14Oh, yeah, how?
07:16Could have been on the top floor.
07:17Oh!
07:26Servois français.
07:28Moi non glace.
07:31What they would say in France.
07:32Oh, true.
07:33Very true.
07:37I didn't hear you come in.
07:39Sorry I'm late, love.
07:40Del took me on to a nightclub.
07:43Goodbye, sir.
07:44It's only being friendly, John.
07:46You know what I mean?
07:52Oh, Del, let me introduce you.
07:54This is Brian.
07:56Brian lives downstairs.
07:57He's my babysitter.
08:01Oh, well, I'm pleased to meet you, Brian.
08:05Nice to meet you, too.
08:06Yeah.
08:07Well, I won't stop.
08:09I've got some studying to catch up on.
08:12Brian goes away to university soon.
08:14Oh, you're a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark, aren't you?
08:19I'm a mature student.
08:20Oh, go on.
08:21He and my brother went to university.
08:22Oh, really?
08:24What was he reading?
08:25God knows.
08:25Mayfair and Penthouse knowing him.
08:29Yes, I see.
08:29Well, I really must be going.
08:31See you in the week, Heather.
08:32Bye for now.
08:33Thanks for looking after the place, Brian.
08:35Hope you didn't get on your nerves too much.
08:38No, no, no, no.
08:38I've got to get used to people like him.
08:43No, I meant the baby.
08:45Oh, sorry.
08:47No, no, no.
08:48He was as good as gold.
08:50Bye for now.
08:51Bye.
08:51Mind the step.
08:53Yeah, I didn't know you had a baby.
08:56Well, he's not a baby anymore.
08:57He's nearly three and a half.
08:59There's a picture of him on the mantelpiece.
09:01Blimey, he's a big lad for his age, isn't he?
09:05Oh, that's Bic, my husband.
09:08That's Darren.
09:09Oh, of course.
09:10He's a little cracker, isn't he, eh?
09:12Here.
09:13Where's your husband these days?
09:15I don't know.
09:17And I don't particularly care.
09:19He walked out of here one morning,
09:20said he was popping down the job centre to sign on.
09:23That was 18 months ago.
09:25Well, the way things are, he could still be queuing.
09:27Do you know, when we got engaged,
09:32Vic had a straight choice
09:33between going on holiday with his mates
09:35or buying me an engagement ring.
09:38Did he send you a postcard?
09:41Like hell he did.
09:42Vic looked after number one.
09:44I don't think he was ever meant to be married.
09:47Couldn't face the responsibility.
09:49I used to say to him, Vic,
09:51I used to say, you've got a baby now, Vic.
09:54Isn't it time you sorted yourself out and...
09:57Oh, God.
09:59I'm sorry, Del.
10:01There's nothing worse than having your ear bent
10:02by somebody else's problems.
10:05I'm just tired.
10:07Yeah, well, I'd better be off.
10:09I've got an early call in the morning.
10:12Yeah, I've got to get down to, uh...
10:14I've got to get down to Peckham by seven.
10:16Pick up a consignment of fire-damaged walks.
10:19Anyway, I'll be, uh, finished by about ten.
10:25I just wondered whether you might fancy
10:26going out for the day somewhere, you know,
10:27having a spot of lunch, something like that.
10:29Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
10:30I'll see if Brian will babysit again.
10:32No, no, no.
10:33I meant, you know, you and the boy.
10:35Are you sure?
10:36Yeah.
10:37Most men don't want to know
10:38when they find you've got a baby.
10:40Yeah, well, I'm not most men, have I?
10:50Yeah, OK, well, uh...
10:52Yeah, I'll, um...
10:53Yeah, I'll see you about 11, right?
10:55Tomorrow.
10:56Yeah, all right, then.
10:56Yeah, OK, then.
10:57Yeah.
10:58Bye, then.
10:58Bye, then.
10:59Bye, then.
10:59All right.
11:04Oh!
11:05My mistake!
11:07Oh, my God!
11:09So much, just one look
11:32And then my heart went boom
11:34Suddenly, and we were on the moon
11:39Flying high in a neon sky
11:44Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
11:48Bang, just one touch
11:51And all the church bells rang
11:53Heaven called and all the angels sang
11:58Sunrise shining from the neon sky
12:02Soon, they chased the day away
12:14High news
12:17The moon and stars came out to play
12:23Then...
12:25My whole wide world
12:29My whole wide world's concerned
12:30Things that seem to be
12:33The moon
12:35Shadows know
12:36And all the shadows
12:38Oh, he's funny
12:39Going down on a wonderland
12:44Soon, they chased the day away
12:50Soon, we chased the day away
12:57I knew the moon and stars came out to play
13:04Soon to chase the day away
13:12I knew the moon and stars came out to play
13:23and bend. That's right. Come on in, Darren.
13:29Kick the ball to your Uncle Del.
13:36Good boy. Good boy, good boy, my son.
13:40Let's see you come out of the corner.
13:50This way.
13:52Good boy.
13:54You're going to play for England one of these days.
13:56What do you reckon, Rodney?
13:58Darren could play for England now, couldn't he?
14:01He's better than that load of rubbish.
14:03Right, come on, you'll get an England child playing like this.
14:06Just have a look at him, will you?
14:07He's like a born-again Oval Tini.
14:11He's a man.
14:12Look at him for, what, six weeks and look at him.
14:15I don't know what's got into him.
14:17He spends most of his time on them climbing frames and swings and what have you.
14:21The other day, I see the caretaker telling him all for coming down the slide backwards.
14:29Down backwards?
14:30It's a bit dangerous, isn't it?
14:32I mean, all these conkers and marbles could have fallen in all these pockets.
14:36I see it, Rodney.
14:45It's a joke.
14:46Oh, nothing much.
14:47I was just talking about Wally's.
14:49Not so much of it.
14:57Here you are, Darren.
15:00And that's another thing.
15:02I wish he'd get rid of this sign.
15:04I mean, whenever I'm sitting in the passenger seat, people look at me sort of funny.
15:09Oh, I wouldn't let that bother you, Rodney.
15:12Why?
15:13No.
15:13They most probably just think you're a poof.
15:15You must have spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors.
15:40My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror.
15:45Up until I was four, I thought you was twins.
15:55You all are trying to wind me up, Rodney.
15:56It ain't going to work.
15:57No way, bruv.
15:58Because tonight is a very, very happy night and a very, very special one for me.
16:03What is it?
16:03Cubs night?
16:06No, it ain't Cubs night.
16:08Well, come on, Rodney.
16:09How do I look?
16:09Hey?
16:10You look like a second-hand car trader.
16:13Oh, thanks a lot, Rod.
16:14Here, that reminds me.
16:15You know, we were talking about earlier on about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas.
16:19I mean, you don't mind, do you?
16:20Because you like Heather, don't you, eh?
16:22Don't you, Rod?
16:23Eh?
16:23Yeah, yeah, she's all right.
16:26What about you, Grandad?
16:27You like Darren, don't you, eh?
16:28He's not a noisy little brat, is he?
16:30Oh, no, he's a good little kid.
16:32Here.
16:34Here, Rod.
16:36How do you feel about, er, Heather becoming your sister-in-law?
16:40Who?
16:40What?
16:41No, no, no, no, not now, not immediately.
16:43I mean, you know, sometime in the future.
16:44I mean, you know, I haven't even mentioned it to her yet.
16:46I mean, I don't want to jump me guns.
16:48Eh?
16:49Well, I'm not fast.
16:51Do I want to come and live here with that noisy little brat, will she?
16:56No, no.
16:57We've applied for a council house.
16:59Well, where's me, er, Billy Goat?
17:04Oh, here it is, yeah, right.
17:05That's it.
17:06Well, I'm off out, then.
17:07I'm taking Heather out for an evening that she will never forget.
17:11You know, it's going to be soft lights, music, champagne,
17:15and, of course, the very, very finest of foods.
17:18I only hope she likes curry.
17:29Well, I suppose it was always on the cards.
17:40I think they'll be happy together, don't you?
17:42Oh, yeah, she's a good girl.
17:44She'll look after him.
17:46Yeah, and he thinks the world of that kid, doesn't he?
17:48Aye.
17:50And they fit so neatly into his style of living.
17:53You know, fast foods, ready to wear suits.
17:56Now he's got an instant family, eh?
18:00I'm...
18:01I'm pleased for him.
18:03You seem to be forgetting something, Rodney.
18:06If Del Boy moves into his council gaff with his off-the-peg-next-to-kin,
18:11who the hell's going to pay the rent, gas and electric in this place, eh?
18:15We'll have chicken teak, half the bone,
18:24a mutton madras,
18:26a pair of onion barges,
18:28four poppadoms,
18:30some naan bread,
18:31and a couple of portions of rice.
18:33All right?
18:34Yes, which rice would you like?
18:37Have you got any Uncle Ben's?
18:38No, sir, we have pillow rice,
18:45basmati rice,
18:45or plain white rice.
18:46Oh, we'll have the pillow rice.
18:48Make sure you take the feathers out first.
18:51Oh, and Tony,
18:52I want a bottle of your finest champagne.
18:55All right, son?
18:55Yes, sir.
18:59You're pushing the boat out a bit, aren't you?
19:01No, I'm always like this,
19:02when I've got something to celebrate.
19:03Oh, yeah?
19:04What are we celebrating?
19:05You sold all them Chinese walks?
19:06No, no, I got a bit lumbered with them, actually.
19:10I'm giving them away free with packets of persil.
19:14What's the champagne in aid of?
19:17Well,
19:17Christmas.
19:26What is it?
19:27Well, open it, see.
19:28Oh, it's lovely.
19:36Well?
19:39Oh, it's lovely.
19:42Got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.
19:46Gets a discount at Atten Garden.
19:48Del,
19:50is this an engagement ring?
19:54No, it's a set of socket spanners.
19:57Of course it's an engagement ring.
20:00No, I'll change it if you like.
20:02See, remember what you said,
20:03that you liked solitaire diamonds?
20:06So I thought,
20:07oh, you know,
20:07I'd get her a cluster of solitaires.
20:09No, no, it's a beautiful ring, Del.
20:17What's up, then?
20:21It's Vic.
20:23Oh, is your nose blocked up?
20:29No.
20:29No, it's Vic, my husband.
20:34Oh.
20:35Well, what about him?
20:37He wrote to me last week.
20:40Oh, yeah, last week.
20:41You didn't mention it.
20:42I know.
20:42I'm trying to find the right moment
20:44to bring the subject up.
20:47Well, he's living in Southampton.
20:48Got himself a nice flat, apparently.
20:51Yeah.
20:52He wants me and Darren
20:54to move down there with him.
20:56You know,
20:56try again.
20:58See if we can make it work this time.
21:01Oh.
21:02Yeah, well,
21:04I mean,
21:06you're not going to believe
21:07all that old pony, are you?
21:11Are you?
21:13Thing is, Del,
21:15he's still my husband.
21:17He's Darren's father.
21:20I owe it to him.
21:22Oh, come on.
21:22Don't give me all that, Heather.
21:24I mean, he don't care
21:25a monkey's about you and Darren.
21:26I mean,
21:28what did big, brave Vic do
21:29when the going got heavy, eh?
21:30He pulled on his hiking boots
21:31and had it away on his toes.
21:33You don't know what he's like, Darren.
21:34I do know what he's like
21:35because he's exactly like my old man.
21:37That's what he did to me
21:3718 years ago.
21:38It wasn't all his fault.
21:41He was unemployed.
21:43All he wanted
21:43was a regular job.
21:46No idea what sort of pressure
21:47that can do to a family.
21:50Well, he's got himself a job now
21:51in a department store.
21:53Yeah, doing what?
21:54He's a father Christmas.
21:59Oh, well, that's a steady little number,
22:01that, isn't it, eh?
22:02Free uniform, luncheon vouchers,
22:0448 weeks holiday a year.
22:06I still love him.
22:14How about me?
22:17I love you, Del.
22:19But not in that way.
22:21I feel for you the way
22:23someone would feel for a...
22:24Goldfish or a gerbil.
22:26No.
22:29Like a brother.
22:31I feel for you
22:32the way you feel for Rodney.
22:34I thought you liked me.
22:37However, I thought that you and I
22:38had an understanding.
22:41Honestly, Del,
22:41I never knew you felt that strongly.
22:44I mean, you never said anything.
22:46I'm not a poet, ever.
22:51You know, I can't do all that
22:53lovey-dovey stuff.
22:56I feel things,
22:58but when I try to say them,
23:00they always come out
23:02Wally-ish.
23:06I thought it was obvious
23:07the way that I felt for you.
23:09What else could I have done?
23:11I don't know.
23:15A sign or something?
23:17I'd tie a yellow ribbon
23:19round an old oak tree or something.
23:23I leave next Tuesday.
23:26Will you come round
23:27and say goodbye to Darren?
23:34No.
23:36He really talked to you.
23:39You like kids, don't you?
23:42Yeah.
23:44I used to go to school
23:45with a lot of them.
23:48It's a beautiful ring, Del.
23:55Normally I'd let you keep it,
23:57but I've only got it
23:58on a week's approval.
24:01I don't really feel hungry anymore, Del.
24:03I think I'll go.
24:07It's all right.
24:09I'll get a taxi.
24:11I'll go.
24:12I'll go.
24:13I'll go.
24:14I'll go.
24:44All is calm, all is quiet, round yon bird in mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild.
25:06Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
25:21We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
25:33Good tidings we bring to you and your king, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
25:54When I was a king, I was a king, I was a king, I was a king, I was a king, I was a king, I was a king.
26:03On hills and beadows we stray, the father and his dog, we were both fool of a king.
26:13He threw up and he threw up and he threw up.
26:17You
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