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00:00Oh, come on, Cassandra.
00:05Yeah, I know you've got your studying to do,
00:07but can't we just go out for a quick drink or a pizza or something?
00:10Then you can do your studying when you get home.
00:13Well, you know.
00:17Well, it's because I like being with you.
00:20I sort of miss you when we're not together.
00:24All right, I'll tell you the truth.
00:25I'm bored stiff in this flat.
00:26What? Oh, no, that's Albert.
00:30He's got himself a new spin dryer.
00:32Well, it was new once.
00:34He bought it cheap because of the bomb damage.
00:38Yeah, so at the moment, it's jumping around the kitchen
00:40like a Dalek with St Vitus Dance.
00:44Del?
00:45No, he's asleep in a chair with his dodgy stomach.
00:49Yeah, he's still getting them pains.
00:51Well, he's going out later for a vindaloo.
00:53Well, no, to him, you see,
00:57it's a sort of alternative medicine.
01:00Well, because I don't want to go out with him for a curry.
01:03No, it's all right.
01:04I'll just stay in here.
01:07Albert's got that old bird of his coming round.
01:08You know, Elsie Partridge.
01:09Remember I told you about her?
01:11Yeah, so we'll probably just, you know,
01:13put on a few Max Bygrave's platters
01:15and sit here talking about our ailments.
01:18That's a pity down's going out, really.
01:19He'd have enjoyed that.
01:20Oh, that's very nice of him.
01:26Well, tell your parents thank you very much.
01:28I'd love to come to tea tomorrow.
01:31Seven o'clock?
01:32Yeah, all right, great.
01:34What?
01:37I can't.
01:41Because Del's in the room.
01:43Del.
01:53Del, boy.
01:57You know I love you.
02:00Cool, don't I tell you often enough?
02:03Do you love me?
02:06Oh, yeah, very funny, Cassandra.
02:08I'm laughing this end as well.
02:09All right.
02:13All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
02:15OK, bye.
02:16Bye.
02:31Here you are, son.
02:32I've got a Chinese takeaway earlier.
02:35I've got fried pork,
02:39fried rice
02:40and fried something.
02:42How can you stand it in that kitchen
02:44with all that heat and steam?
02:46I'm an old naval stoker, aren't I?
02:48That's nothing to me.
02:49I remember coming round Cape Horn once.
02:52I was on this merchantman.
02:53Well, things you and your mates used to get up to, eh?
02:55A merchantman's a ship.
03:01Oh.
03:03It was so hot and steamy in our boiler
03:05and when I'd come out,
03:06I was shriveled like a prune.
03:08So that's what calls it.
03:11I hate you when you're in that sarky mood.
03:14Here, do you think Del, boy,
03:15like all this fried food,
03:17he's been getting a bit jip in his tummy lately?
03:19Nah, he'll be all right.
03:21Maybe you're right.
03:22I'll get the knife and forks.
03:31Sorry, excuse me.
03:37You all right, bruv?
03:38Yeah.
03:39How are you feeling?
03:40Oh, terrific, Rodders.
03:42Yeah, brilliant.
03:44What's all that funny whirring sound?
03:47Albert's spin dryer.
03:48His what?
03:49Oh, Stoney, oi.
03:54What is your game?
03:55What are you doing buying all this old junk?
03:57Yeah, look at that.
03:58Look, it's knocking the paint off all the units there.
04:00I've got to get an investment deal.
04:04It cost us 50 pence to get our clothes dry at La Laundromat.
04:08I bought that off the bloke upstairs for a score.
04:11You dozy old twonk.
04:13That's the one I sold him last week for a tenner.
04:17Why didn't you come and ask me about these things first?
04:20Why didn't I bother you with you being ill?
04:22Ill?
04:22I'm not ill.
04:23There's nothing wrong with me.
04:26But you've got that tummy trouble again.
04:28I haven't got any tummy trouble.
04:30There's nothing wrong with me.
04:31I've just got normal pains.
04:32When you come in tonight,
04:33you flop straight down that chair in agony.
04:35You don't understand, Unc.
04:37That is PMA.
04:41I thought only women got that.
04:45No, Rodney, that is PMP.
04:48PMA is Positive Mental Attitude.
04:51See, it's the new buzzword.
04:53That's what all us yuppies get.
04:54See, when I came in,
04:56I laid down on this chair, right,
04:58and what I was doing,
04:58I was psyching myself up for the challenge of tomorrow.
05:01Well, what was all that sweating and holding your belly about?
05:04Oh, that was nothing.
05:05There's nothing wrong.
05:07Oh.
05:09Rodney, go to the bathroom.
05:10Get me the Andrews liver salts, will you?
05:12I'll get you a plate of Chinese, Del.
05:18God knows what those local takeaways are going to do
05:21when they know we're going to move.
05:22Move?
05:23Didn't you see that letter?
05:24It arrived this morning.
05:26It says on the envelope,
05:27it's from the Council Housing Department.
05:29Yes, I know.
05:30I've seen it.
05:31I've read it.
05:32Is it about them letting us buy this flat?
05:34No, it is not about them letting us buy this flat.
05:37It's about them evicting us from this flat.
05:39Evicting us?
05:40Just keep your voice down, will you?
05:42Gordon Bennett,
05:43I don't want Rodney to hear any of this.
05:48It's just that I
05:48haven't paid the rent on the flat here
05:51for the last three months.
05:52God, I mean,
05:53I knew things were a bit tight,
05:55but I didn't know they were that bad.
05:56Yeah, well,
05:57things haven't been going very well for me.
05:58All my investments have gone sideways.
06:01I mean,
06:02Rodney's been down the market all this week
06:03trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions,
06:06but what with all the frost and the sleet,
06:09nobody seems interested in summer dresses.
06:12I've been tucked up on some of my other investments,
06:14and at the end of the day,
06:15I just couldn't afford to pay the rent.
06:17No, but you're still drinking them
06:19pina coladas down the wine bars.
06:21You're still eating in the curry houses
06:23and the bistros.
06:24Yes, I know,
06:24but that is all on slate.
06:26Anyway,
06:26I've got to keep up my image,
06:27haven't I?
06:27Once your competitors find out
06:29or they get a little inkling
06:30that you're going down the pan,
06:31they can't wait to pull the chain on you.
06:34That little plonker,
06:35Rodney,
06:36hasn't been any help either.
06:38Yeah,
06:38I suppose you're right.
06:40Don't worry about it,
06:41Del.
06:41Don't worry about it,
06:42worry about it.
06:43Haven't had a decent night's kit
06:45for the last two weeks
06:46worrying about it.
06:47It's with me everywhere,
06:48all the time.
06:49Something could turn up
06:50right out of the blue.
06:51You'll see,
06:52he who dares wins,
06:52eh?
06:53Yeah,
06:54he who dares...
06:55Oh,
06:56you cowshunt.
06:57Oh.
06:59You've got to see a quack
07:00with that belly of yours.
07:02I don't want to see no doctor
07:03because there's nothing wrong with me.
07:05Don't you go and get no doctor,
07:07Albert.
07:07I don't like doctors.
07:09You've got to go and see
07:10that Scottish quack.
07:11What's his name?
07:12Dr. Meadows.
07:13Yeah,
07:13he's not like the normal doctor.
07:15He's sort of human.
07:17You know,
07:17you can talk to him.
07:19He's like a mate.
07:20Look,
07:20I do not want to go and speak
07:22to no doctor Meadows
07:23because there's nothing wrong
07:23with me,
07:24all right?
07:25It's your life,
07:26son.
07:26Yes,
07:26it is my life.
07:28I don't want to hear
07:28no more about it.
07:30Yeah,
07:30don't you think Delbo
07:31ought to go to the doctor's
07:32with his belly?
07:35Well,
07:35he won't go to the doctor's
07:36though,
07:37will he?
07:37Because he is terrified
07:38of doctors.
07:39Look,
07:39I am not terrified
07:40of doctors.
07:41The reason I'm not going
07:42to see Dr. Meadows
07:43is because there's nothing
07:43wrong with me.
07:44You're winding me up,
07:50Rodney.
07:52You've seen Cassandra
07:53tonight?
07:54No,
07:54not tonight,
07:55aren't you?
07:55No,
07:56he's seen her tomorrow
07:57night for tea.
07:58That's right.
07:58Her mum and dad
07:59said I could...
08:00You cunning geeks.
08:05You was airwig
08:06in my conversation.
08:08Of course,
08:08I love you,
08:09Cassandra.
08:10I tell you often
08:13to laugh,
08:14don't I?
08:18That is out of order,
08:21Derek.
08:23Don't stop me!
08:26It's a cordless phone,
08:27Rodney.
08:28You could have talked
08:28in one of the other rooms.
08:29Oh, yeah,
08:30like where?
08:31I can't use my bedroom
08:32because the walls
08:33are so thin
08:33to people next door
08:34can hear.
08:35And I can't use the kitchen
08:36because you've got
08:37R2-D2 breakdancing
08:39out.
08:40You could use
08:40the bathroom.
08:42The bathroom?
08:43Albert,
08:43I cannot hold
08:44a romantic conversation
08:45surrounded by damp towels,
08:47del soggy espadrilles
08:48and a bog with no lids.
08:50Anyway,
08:51it's freezing
08:51in that bathroom.
08:52You notice that
08:53as well,
08:53have you?
08:54You can't hardly
08:55fail to notice it,
08:56can you?
08:57Our bathroom window
08:58gets condensation
08:59on the outside.
09:01Why do you think
09:01that room is so cold?
09:03Oh,
09:03I don't know,
09:04do I?
09:04Now,
09:05listen,
09:05son.
09:06Listen,
09:06you may call me
09:07a soppy old sod,
09:08but I...
09:09You're a soppy old sod.
09:11Look,
09:11be serious,
09:12Rodney.
09:12Us sailors
09:13are superstitious.
09:14It's a sort of
09:15an affinity
09:16with the supernatural.
09:18And I think
09:19there's a presence
09:20in that room.
09:21A presence?
09:24Yeah.
09:25When you're in the shower,
09:27don't you feel
09:27there's someone else
09:28there with you?
09:31Yeah.
09:32But it usually is.
09:34It's either
09:35Dell having a shave
09:35or you doing
09:36your toenails.
09:37The reason that room
09:38is so cold
09:39is possessed.
09:41Oh,
09:42leave off,
09:43honk.
09:43She partries
09:44as a medium.
09:45She knows
09:45all there is
09:46to know
09:46about the supernatural.
09:48And she said
09:49she can sense
09:50her presence
09:51in that bathroom.
09:52Blimey.
09:54Oh,
09:55blimey,
09:55our bats.
09:56It's like a sauna
09:57out here.
09:58When do you come
09:59and switch
10:00this thing off?
10:01It's nearly finished,
10:02Dell.
10:02Do you want to
10:03put anything else
10:04in it?
10:04Yes,
10:05your head.
10:07Have you ever
10:08noticed how cold
10:09our bathroom is?
10:10Yeah,
10:11it does get a bit
10:12taters in there
10:12after a while,
10:13doesn't it,
10:13eh?
10:15When you're in there,
10:15right,
10:16do you ever get
10:17the feeling
10:17that you're
10:18not alone?
10:21I mean,
10:22like as if there's
10:22somebody in there
10:23with you?
10:24Yeah.
10:26What sort of
10:27strange feeling?
10:29Yeah.
10:30Like as if
10:31you're being watched.
10:32Yeah.
10:33No,
10:33why,
10:34do you?
10:36No,
10:37no.
10:37No,
10:38no.
10:39Oh,
10:39it's Albert
10:40who reckons
10:41he's possessed.
10:42Possessed?
10:43Do me a favour.
10:44Give us a couple
10:44of months,
10:45it might be
10:45repossessed,
10:46if you like.
10:48Oh,
10:48dear.
10:49Oh,
10:49dear.
11:02Elsie Partridge
11:04thinks our
11:04bathroom's haunted.
11:07Haunted?
11:08Stop it,
11:08will you,
11:09you hurt me.
11:10Elsie Partridge
11:11is a medium.
11:12Is she?
11:13Well,
11:14you'd better whip
11:14that round to her,
11:14then.
11:18That'll fit her a treat,
11:19that way,
11:19I'll tell you.
11:20I'm not talking
11:21about her dress side,
11:22she's a spiritualist,
11:23she can contact
11:25the departed.
11:26So it's probably
11:26where she pulled you.
11:28She has powers,
11:29Del,
11:29she's one of the
11:30true communicators.
11:32Back in the early
11:33sixties,
11:33she used to hold
11:34regular meetings
11:35in that hall
11:35above John Collier's.
11:37People come from
11:38miles around
11:39to listen to Elsie.
11:40They paid thousands
11:41of pounds
11:42to use her powers
11:43of communication.
11:44Yeah,
11:44I think there's
11:45more to this
11:45occult lot
11:45than meets the eye,
11:46though.
11:47Do me a favour,
11:48Rodders.
11:48No self-respecting
11:49ghost is going
11:50to haunt our
11:50bathroom,
11:51is he?
11:52Especially after
11:53he's been in there.
11:55And why is it
11:56always so cold?
11:57Well,
11:58it could be
11:58one of two reasons.
11:59One,
12:00it could be,
12:00as you two say,
12:01the phantom
12:02of the cars
12:02he has struck again.
12:04Or two,
12:05it could be
12:05something to do
12:06with the fact
12:06that the council
12:07has put our
12:08extractor fan in
12:09the wrong way round.
12:11Oh, yeah.
12:13Cool,
12:14they were supposed
12:14to come back
12:15and men now,
12:15weren't they?
12:16Yes.
12:17Honestly,
12:17ghosts and ghouls.
12:20You two slaughter me.
12:22I suppose
12:22that extractor fan
12:23could have
12:24something to do
12:24with it.
12:26Thousands of pounds?
12:28Eh?
12:29You said
12:30they paid
12:30that Elsie Partridge
12:31thousands of pounds?
12:32Yeah,
12:33she never took
12:34a penny of it,
12:34Del.
12:35She used to send
12:35it to Battersea
12:36Dog's home.
12:37I bet she wished
12:38she'd kept
12:38some of it now.
12:39She's only got
12:40a pension to live on.
12:41They still paid
12:42her all that
12:43lovely money,
12:43though,
12:43didn't they?
12:44Yeah,
12:45yeah,
12:45they'd pay
12:45a fortune
12:46to talk to
12:46their...
12:48No,
12:48no,
12:49Del,
12:49Del,
12:49she's retired.
12:50No,
12:51maybe she'd like
12:51a little part-time
12:52job,
12:52eh?
12:53No,
12:53just drop it,
12:54eh,
12:54Del?
12:55Well,
12:55no,
12:55see what this
12:56means?
12:56This means
12:56that you were
12:57right.
12:58Was I?
12:58Yes,
12:58yes,
12:58you said to me,
12:59you said,
13:00don't worry,
13:00something will
13:01come out of
13:01blue to save
13:01our bacon,
13:02and this is
13:03it.
13:03Me and
13:03Elsie Partridge,
13:05what a
13:05combination.
13:06The old-aged
13:07pensioner with a
13:07priceless gift and
13:08the successful
13:09yuppie who's
13:10brassic lint.
13:11We can make a
13:12fortune for each
13:12other,
13:13eh?
13:13I do believe
13:15that this is
13:16God sending me
13:17a sign.
13:19Oh,
13:19God!
13:20Come and sit
13:22down,
13:22Del.
13:22Oh!
13:23What can I get
13:24you?
13:24Yeah,
13:24pina colada
13:25with lots of
13:25ice.
13:29Here,
13:30Boise,
13:30can we have
13:31a word?
13:32Yes,
13:33what is it?
13:35Do you
13:36remember that
13:37old Cortina
13:37you said me
13:38and Jevin
13:39would never
13:39sell?
13:40What
13:40Cortina's
13:41that then?
13:42That
13:42two-tone
13:42one,
13:43blue and
13:43rust.
13:45Well,
13:46me and
13:46Mickey sold
13:47it the
13:47other day.
13:48Well,
13:48that Cortina
13:49was a
13:49death trap.
13:50You should
13:50be ashamed
13:50of yourselves.
13:51You sold
13:52it to us.
13:53Did I?
13:55Oh,
13:55yes,
13:56yes,
13:56yes,
13:56so I
13:57did,
13:57that's
13:57right,
13:57yes.
13:58Well,
13:58not a
13:58bad little
13:58runabout,
13:59was it,
13:59I suppose?
14:02So,
14:02you and
14:04Jevin
14:04partners now
14:05or something,
14:06aren't you?
14:06Yeah,
14:06we're doing
14:07a bit of
14:07trading.
14:08We specialise
14:09in anything.
14:10Well,
14:10why don't you
14:11pop round my
14:11showrooms during
14:12the week?
14:12I've got a
14:13few old
14:13bangers out
14:14the back
14:14you might
14:14have a
14:15go at.
14:15Yeah,
14:16thanks,
14:16boys.
14:17All right.
14:17Here,
14:18would your
14:18Marlene be
14:19interested in
14:20a crimpling
14:20dress with
14:21great big
14:21flowers all
14:22over it?
14:23Well,
14:23of course
14:24she wouldn't.
14:24Oh,
14:25that's a shame
14:26because Rodney
14:26has got loads
14:27of them.
14:32Yeah,
14:33if there's
14:33anything else
14:34you want,
14:34Mrs.
14:34Parsley,
14:34just give
14:35us a
14:35shout,
14:35right?
14:37She's
14:37here.
14:38Well,
14:38who's
14:38here?
14:39Well,
14:39that
14:39spiritualist
14:40woman.
14:40Here,
14:40to tell
14:41you the
14:41truth,
14:41Trig,
14:41I'm having
14:42second thoughts
14:42about letting
14:43Del use that
14:44room upstairs
14:44for this
14:44seance.
14:45You don't
14:45honestly believe
14:46in all that
14:47mumbo-jumbo,
14:48do you,
14:48Michael?
14:49Well,
14:49I don't
14:49actually believe
14:50it,
14:51I just don't
14:51like taking
14:52the chance.
14:53Michael,
14:54if Elsie
14:54Partridge
14:55really could
14:56raise the
14:56dead,
14:56half the
14:57moneylenders
14:57in Peckham
14:58would be
14:58employing her.
15:00No,
15:00no,
15:00it's all
15:01a load
15:01of old
15:01tosh,
15:02only a
15:02simpleton
15:03would believe
15:03in it.
15:04Well,
15:05I believe
15:05in it.
15:09Say no
15:10more.
15:11He still
15:11leaves a
15:12glass of
15:12milk and
15:13biscuits out
15:13on Christmas
15:14Eve.
15:15My mum
15:16went to a
15:16seance once.
15:18She got a
15:18message from
15:18the other
15:19side.
15:20Said she'd
15:20meet a
15:21tall,
15:21bored
15:22stranger who
15:23would alter
15:23her fortunes.
15:25A week
15:25later she
15:25got mugged
15:26by a
15:26skinhead.
15:28There you
15:29go,
15:29Boise.
15:29You can't
15:30argue with
15:30that,
15:30can you?
15:31I mean,
15:31there's got
15:31to be
15:32something in
15:32all this
15:32supernatural
15:33stuff.
15:34My old
15:34gran was
15:35a bit
15:35of a
15:35medium.
15:36A few
15:37years after
15:37my
15:37grandfather
15:38died,
15:39she made
15:39contact
15:40with him.
15:41Oh,
15:41yes?
15:41What did
15:41he say?
15:42Nothing.
15:46Nothing?
15:47Well,
15:48he was
15:48dead,
15:48weren't he?
15:49Yeah,
15:49but she
15:50just made
15:50contact across
15:51the veil.
15:52Yeah,
15:52but for the
15:52last 15
15:53years of
15:54his life,
15:54they didn't
15:54talk to
15:55each other.
15:55he kept
15:57the veil going?
15:58Yeah,
15:59well,
15:59he was a
16:00stubborn
16:00man.
16:01Well,
16:02they must
16:02have been
16:02interesting
16:03seances.
16:05A mad
16:05medium and
16:06a spook
16:07with the
16:07hump.
16:10Hold up,
16:11here come
16:11the ghost
16:12busters.
16:14There's a
16:14life of him.
16:15Pina colada
16:15for me,
16:16the usual
16:16for everyone
16:17else.
16:17Del,
16:18a word.
16:19It's all right,
16:19Michael,
16:19yes,
16:20come in,
16:20come in.
16:20Are you paying
16:22for these drinks
16:23or what?
16:24All right,
16:24don't worry
16:24about it,
16:25Michael,
16:25don't worry,
16:25it'll be all right.
16:26No,
16:26no,
16:26no,
16:26this slate
16:27of yours,
16:27Del,
16:28is getting
16:28out of hand.
16:29That
16:29Mrs.
16:29Partridge
16:29has just
16:30arrived,
16:30right?
16:31And she's
16:31had food
16:31and drink
16:32all on
16:32your slate.
16:32It's all
16:33right,
16:33look,
16:33don't go
16:34on about
16:34it,
16:34mate,
16:34will ya?
16:35Over
16:35the last
16:36few months,
16:36you've
16:37had more
16:37cocktails than
16:38James Bond
16:38and a fried
16:40lunch every
16:41day and
16:41all on
16:42the slate.
16:42Oh,
16:43I might,
16:43let's tell
16:43you what,
16:44give me a
16:44couple of
16:44weeks,
16:45I'll sort
16:45it all
16:45out with
16:45you.
16:46You've
16:46had about
16:46ten packs
16:47of cigars
16:47all on
16:48the slate
16:48and even
16:49the rent
16:49for the
16:49room upstairs
16:50is on
16:50the slate.
16:51Michael,
16:52unless your
16:52attitude
16:52changes,
16:53I should
16:53be forced
16:53to take
16:54my
16:54business
16:54elsewhere.
16:56Good.
16:56No,
16:57wait a
16:57minute,
16:57Michael,
16:57no,
16:58no,
16:58sit down.
16:59Sit down.
17:01I've
17:02been sailing
17:02the good
17:03ship
17:03Trotter
17:03through
17:04a little
17:04patch
17:04of
17:04fiscal
17:05turbulence,
17:06right?
17:08But as
17:08soon as
17:08I get
17:08old
17:09Elsie
17:09Partridge
17:09firing on
17:10all
17:10four
17:10cylinders,
17:11I'll
17:11be
17:11laughing.
17:12I mean,
17:12within a
17:13month,
17:13she'll
17:13be
17:13bringing
17:14them
17:14back
17:14to
17:14order,
17:14won't
17:15she?
17:15Look,
17:16I've
17:16worked out
17:17a little
17:17price
17:17list
17:17and all.
17:18What do
17:18you reckon
17:18on this
17:19then?
17:19Neighbours
17:20and family
17:20friends,
17:21three quid,
17:22relatives
17:22are
17:22fiver,
17:23spouses
17:23and pets
17:24are ten
17:24of reach
17:24and a
17:24score for
17:25Elvis
17:25Presley.
17:25This time
17:28next year
17:28I'll be
17:29a millionaire.
17:30Just think
17:30what this
17:31is going
17:31to do
17:31to you,
17:31Michael.
17:32She'll
17:33be
17:33drawing
17:33him
17:33in
17:33from
17:34the
17:34four
17:34corners
17:34of
17:35the
17:35kingdom,
17:35right?
17:36So not
17:36only will
17:37you be
17:37getting
17:37the rent
17:37from the
17:38room
17:38upstairs,
17:38but once
17:39the show
17:39is finished,
17:40all the
17:40pilgrims
17:40will be
17:41pouring
17:41down
17:41here
17:41for
17:41a good
17:42old
17:42jolly
17:42up,
17:42won't
17:42they?
17:43I mean,
17:43your
17:44takings
17:44will
17:44treble
17:45overnight,
17:45Michael.
17:46Eh?
17:47Come on,
17:47you know
17:47it makes
17:48sense,
17:55no,
17:56but listen,
17:56son,
17:56I'm still
17:57a bit
17:57worried,
17:57though.
17:58Oh,
17:58leaving
17:58out,
17:59Michael.
17:59No,
17:59no,
17:59we're
18:00dealing
18:00with
18:00the
18:01powers
18:01of
18:01darkness
18:02here.
18:02I mean,
18:03are we
18:03going to
18:03end up
18:03with
18:03tables
18:04and
18:04chairs
18:04flying
18:05all
18:05round
18:05the
18:05bar?
18:06Well,
18:06no more
18:06than
18:06a
18:07normal
18:07Friday
18:07night.
18:10Well,
18:10I agree
18:10with Mike.
18:11Oh,
18:11come on,
18:12Robbie,
18:12don't you?
18:12No,
18:13no,
18:13because we're
18:14messing
18:14about
18:14with
18:14the
18:14supernatural
18:15here.
18:16There's
18:16no telling
18:16what evil
18:17forces we
18:17might evoke.
18:18Yeah,
18:18you could
18:19have Satan
18:19himself come
18:20crashing
18:20through the
18:21wall.
18:21It's a pity
18:21Rodney put on
18:22his best suit
18:22then,
18:23isn't it?
18:24Now,
18:24listen,
18:24fellas,
18:25this pub
18:25was built
18:26on the
18:26site of
18:27a public
18:27grave
18:27where the
18:28victims of
18:28the Great
18:29Plague
18:29were buried.
18:30Oh,
18:30well,
18:30that's all
18:31we need,
18:31isn't it?
18:32Then popping
18:33up to
18:33celebrate
18:33Agincourt.
18:35It'll be
18:35covered in
18:36boils and
18:36scabs and
18:37things.
18:37Be like a
18:38singing
18:38detective
18:39look-alike
18:39contest,
18:40wouldn't it?
18:46Sounds like
18:48her sign
18:48to get
18:48started.
18:49Well,
18:50it might
18:50not mean
18:50that.
18:52Well,
18:52either that
18:53she's got
18:53cramp in
18:54her wooden
18:54leg.
18:55Come on,
18:56Rodders,
18:56come on,
18:56lads,
18:56let's get
18:57up there.
18:58Come on.
19:01Right,
19:02now then,
19:03Elsie,
19:03don't forget,
19:04this is only
19:04a dummy run,
19:05so don't
19:05go knocking
19:05your pipe
19:06out.
19:07The real
19:07seance
19:08when the
19:08punters
19:09come in
19:09with the
19:09serious
19:10do-re-mi
19:10is not
19:11till
19:11next
19:11Tuesday
19:11night.
19:12Derek,
19:13God gave
19:14me the
19:14gift to
19:15communicate
19:15with the
19:16next
19:16world.
19:17No,
19:17I've never
19:18profited by
19:19it.
19:19I only
19:20want to
19:20share it
19:21with people.
19:21And God
19:22gave me
19:22the gift
19:23to make
19:23bunts,
19:23and I
19:24only want
19:24to share
19:24it with
19:25you.
19:25So you're
19:25not going
19:26to say
19:26no to
19:26a bit
19:26of cash
19:27in the
19:27penny,
19:27are you?
19:28I suppose
19:29not.
19:30No,
19:30of course
19:30you're
19:30not.
19:31Lovely
19:31jubbly,
19:32so everyone's
19:32a winner.
19:33Right,
19:33ready when
19:34you are,
19:34Elsie?
19:35Eyes down
19:36for a
19:36full house,
19:37and we're
19:37off and
19:38running.
19:40Now,
19:41before we
19:41start,
19:42I would
19:42like to
19:42know,
19:43have any
19:44of you
19:44been to
19:44a sales
19:45before?
19:46I've
19:46been to
19:47quite a
19:47few.
19:48I think
19:48he starred
19:49in most
19:49of them.
19:51Will you
19:52show some
19:52respect?
19:53Right,
19:54Rodney's
19:54only a bit
19:54of a laugh,
19:55isn't it?
19:56No,
19:56Derek,
19:57it is not
19:57a bit
19:57of a laugh.
19:58It's a
19:58very serious
19:59matter.
20:01All right.
20:03Now,
20:03anything you
20:03say,
20:04sweetheart?
20:05Now,
20:05before we
20:06start,
20:07have any
20:08of you
20:08any questions?
20:09Uh,
20:10yeah,
20:10they don't,
20:11you know,
20:11they don't
20:12actually
20:12appear in
20:13the room,
20:13do they?
20:13You know,
20:14the spirits?
20:15Oh,
20:16don't worry,
20:16Mike,
20:16just do
20:17what you
20:17normally do,
20:18water them
20:18down.
20:22There's
20:23no
20:23materialisation.
20:25No,
20:25they appear
20:26to me,
20:27only because
20:28of my
20:28gift of
20:29paranormal
20:29perception.
20:32She's got
20:32all the
20:32patter,
20:33hasn't she,
20:33Rodney,
20:33eh?
20:34I can feel
20:34a whip round
20:35coming on.
20:37Will you
20:37shut up
20:38for five
20:39minutes?
20:40So,
20:40we don't
20:41actually
20:41sort of
20:42hear them
20:42chatting or
20:43what have
20:43you?
20:44No,
20:45they speak
20:45through me.
20:47I am the
20:47receiver,
20:48the antennae,
20:49the,
20:49the aerial.
20:52Now,
20:52those spirits
20:53who wish to
20:54communicate
20:54will congregate
20:56behind you.
20:58so can I
21:08actually
21:08foresee the
21:09future?
21:10No,
21:11this is not
21:12astrology or
21:13fortune-telling.
21:14Though the
21:15spirits may
21:15give advice
21:16or warning,
21:17which if acted
21:18upon could
21:19alter your
21:19future lives.
21:21He's hoping
21:22you might get
21:22a tip for the
21:23derby.
21:23Go along,
21:26cut it out,
21:27Delboy,
21:28and let's
21:28show a bit
21:28of respect.
21:30Now,
21:30I think it's
21:31time we
21:32began.
21:33May I
21:34ask you,
21:35once contact
21:36has been
21:37made,
21:38refrain from
21:39interrupting.
21:41Now,
21:43hands on
21:44the table.
21:47Fingers
21:48touching.
21:48Concentrate.
22:16What's
22:17she doing?
22:18She's
22:19going.
22:29I can
22:30see that.
22:31Why is
22:31she doing
22:32it?
22:32She's
22:33gone into
22:33a trance.
22:34Thank
22:35God for
22:35that.
22:36She had
22:36one of my
22:37pies earlier.
22:42The
22:42spirits
22:43are with
22:44us.
22:48a man
22:51has
22:51stepped
22:51forward,
22:52a tall
22:52elderly
22:53man
22:53wearing
22:53a black
22:54coat and
22:54a black
22:55hat.
22:56He
22:56wishes to
22:57speak to
22:57someone
22:58called
22:58Audrey.
22:59Aubrey.
23:00No,
23:01no,
23:01Aubrey.
23:03Aubrey?
23:04Aubrey?
23:13I am
23:14here.
23:14You
23:21never
23:22name.
23:23You
23:24never said
23:24your name
23:24was
23:24Aubrey.
23:26Nor would
23:27you if
23:27your name
23:27was
23:28Aubrey.
23:31This
23:31man seems
23:32agitated.
23:33He's
23:33brandishing a
23:34piece of
23:34paper.
23:35Have
23:36you any
23:36idea who
23:37it could
23:37be?
23:38No.
23:40This
23:40piece of
23:41paper,
23:42it's not
23:42a log
23:42book for
23:43a
23:43Cortina,
23:43is it?
23:44No,
23:45it's a
23:45photograph,
23:46a black
23:46and white
23:47photograph.
23:48It
23:49shows this
23:49man,
23:50but years
23:50younger.
23:52There's
23:52an odd
23:53looking
23:53boy
23:54standing
23:54beside
23:55him,
23:55five or
23:56six years
23:56old.
23:57Evil
23:58face.
24:00Was
24:01he?
24:02He
24:02knew
24:02that?
24:04Yeah,
24:05that's
24:05right.
24:06He
24:06was the
24:07only one
24:07who
24:07ever
24:08called
24:08me
24:08Aubrey.
24:10There
24:10is a
24:11sadness
24:11about
24:12the
24:12photograph,
24:13as
24:13though
24:13something
24:14was
24:14missing.
24:15Oh,
24:15yes,
24:15of course,
24:16your
24:16mother,
24:17she
24:17isn't
24:17with
24:17you.
24:18No.
24:19Had
24:20she
24:20passed
24:20over to
24:21the
24:21other
24:21side?
24:22No,
24:22she
24:23was
24:23taking
24:23a
24:23photo.
24:29This
24:29man
24:30is
24:30worried.
24:32He
24:32says
24:32you
24:33must
24:33be
24:33a
24:34good
24:34father,
24:34you
24:34must
24:35look
24:35after
24:36your
24:36child.
24:38Is
24:38he
24:38having
24:38a
24:39pop
24:39at
24:39me
24:39or
24:39something?
24:41Elsie,
24:42Boise and
24:43his wife
24:43Marlene
24:44can't have
24:45kids.
24:46I've
24:46been
24:46trying
24:46for
24:47years,
24:47you know,
24:47but
24:47Nitto.
24:48Yeah,
24:49I've had
24:49tests,
24:50things frozen,
24:51everything.
24:52Most people have
24:53just about
24:53given up
24:54with him.
24:55He's
24:55low on
24:56something.
24:57Do
24:58you
24:58mind
24:59not
24:59discussing
25:00my
25:00personal
25:01life
25:01in
25:01front
25:01of
25:02strangers?
25:03you
25:05could
25:06tell
25:06my
25:06old
25:07man
25:07to
25:07keep
25:07his
25:08nose
25:08out
25:08of
25:08my
25:08business.
25:09He
25:09was
25:09always
25:09having
25:09a
25:10go
25:10at
25:10me
25:10for
25:10not
25:10giving
25:11him
25:11a
25:11grandchild.
25:12Calm down,
25:15Aubrey.
25:17Wrap up for a start.
25:20I'm going to get a drink.
25:23It's all a load of old rubbish anyway.
25:25I never believed a word of it.
25:27Excuse me.
25:31Are the spirits still with us else?
25:33Yes, yes, yes, yes.
25:34They're still here.
25:36Close the circle.
25:40Someone else has stepped out.
25:43It's a woman.
25:45Toss and a long blonde hair.
25:50Fingers covered in rings of ruby and gold.
25:54Bracelets adorn the wrists.
25:58You know who that is, don't you?
26:01Sounds like Jimmy Savile.
26:03Jimmy Savile.
26:08That is our mother.
26:10That's our boy.
26:11That's our boy.
26:11That's our boy.
26:13Jimmy Savile.
26:15She's a chick.
26:17She says she is proud of her children.
26:21She says you have both worked hard to succeed, but never mind.
26:30She wants you to know that she is with you always.
26:34Wherever you are or whatever you are or whatever you are doing, she is looking over you.
26:40She says you mustn't mourn her any longer.
26:43She is happy.
26:44She is happy.
26:45She is at peace.
26:47Mrs. Paltridge.
26:48Don't interrupt, Rodney.
26:50I just wanted to clear something up.
26:51When she says she's looking over us all the time, right?
26:57Well, she doesn't mean all the time, does she?
26:58Oh, I think the spirit world would have its own ideas of discretion.
27:05Yeah.
27:08What do you mean?
27:11Yeah.
27:11She is concerned for you, Derek.
27:18Me?
27:19What about me?
27:20She is concerned for your health.
27:24I'm all right, Mum.
27:26There's nothing wrong.
27:27I've ever felt better.
27:28She says you are not well.
27:31She feels your pain.
27:34Oh, no.
27:34That's just a bit of jit, that's all.
27:37That's probably an onion bargy lodge somewhere.
27:41She wants you to go and see a doctor.
27:45No, there's nothing the matter with me.
27:48She insists.
27:50No.
27:51I don't want to go and see a doctor.
27:54You know I don't like doctors.
27:56Oh, they're becoming distant.
27:59They're drifting away.
28:01I can't you get them back else.
28:03Is there anybody there?
28:07If there's anybody there, talk to us.
28:11Say something.
28:15Lager's off.
28:19You made me chump.
28:25What do you think you made us do?
28:27I've got customers waiting down there.
28:29All right, all right.
28:31I'm coming.
28:31Go on.
28:32Go on.
28:33I'll get your coat out.
28:37So what are you going to do, Bill?
28:39Hey, what about?
28:41What about a message from Mum?
28:43I'll do you a favour, Ronnie.
28:44You didn't believe all that, did you?
28:46Well, you seem pretty convinced.
28:48At one point, I thought you was going to suck your thumb and fry a paddy.
28:51I was going to do it for Elsie, weren't I?
28:55I mean, she's a genuine old lady who most probably believes that she's getting these messages.
28:59But at the end of the day, it's a load of old rubbish.
29:02Yeah, I think Del Boy's right, Dave.
29:04I mean, she got a message saying that Boycey's got to look after his kid.
29:07Yeah, that's right.
29:09And everyone knows that Nelson's column has got more chance of knocking out a nipper than Boycey.
29:14Oi.
29:15What?
29:15So you ain't going to the doctor's?
29:16No, I'm not going to the doctor's.
29:18Because there is nothing wrong with me.
29:20Derek!
29:21I'll see you in a bar, Albert.
29:23Come on down, Rodney.
29:25It'll only take you ten minutes.
29:30Thanks for doing that, Els.
29:32That's the first time I've ever lied to anyone at a sitting.
29:36And I only gave Derek that message because you asked me to.
29:40I'm grateful.
29:41He wouldn't take any notice of me and Rodney.
29:43The only one he'd ever listened to was his mum.
29:47Oh.
29:53Right then, come on, Rodney.
29:55Here, there.
29:55It's where are them posters.
29:56Rodney, stick these up in the window.
29:59The sooner the devotees get to know about them, the better.
30:02Del!
30:02Oh, Marlene.
30:04Hello, darling.
30:05What are you doing here, eh?
30:06Well, Boycey's just told me what that Elsie Partridge said.
30:10Oh, now, don't you start.
30:11I've been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.
30:14There's nothing the matter with me.
30:15I'm not talking about your illness.
30:17I mean what she said to Boyce.
30:19Oh, listen, darling.
30:21You don't want to take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says
30:23because it's all a con, you see.
30:26No, you don't understand.
30:30I'm having a baby.
30:35Your what?
30:36I've just had it confirmed up the hospital.
30:39So, what do you think about that, then, eh?
30:46Oh, God!
30:49What was up with him, then?
30:51Sympathy pains.
30:52A lot of men go through phantom pregnancies.
30:55I thought that only happened to the father.
30:57Oh, God!
31:04Come in.
31:07Oh, sorry.
31:07Is Dr Meadows about a Scottish doctor?
31:10No.
31:11Dr Meadows left general practice two years ago.
31:13He's working at the local hospital.
31:15I've taken over from him.
31:16I'm Dr Shaheed.
31:19You're a woman.
31:20Well, well.
31:24So I am.
31:25Nobody ever tells me anything these days.
31:28You're Mr Trotter.
31:30Oh, no.
31:31Well, come in.
31:33Take a seat.
31:40What's the problem?
31:41Me?
31:41No, nothing at all.
31:44You're not ill?
31:45Nah, nah.
31:46I never felt better in me life.
31:48Mr Trotter,
31:49I have a waiting room full of sick people.
31:51Now, what is it you want?
31:52A certificate?
31:52No, no, I don't want a certificate.
31:54I mean, I'm self-unemployed.
31:56No.
31:57It's just that
31:58it's hardly worth bothering you about, really.
32:02Why don't you let me be the judge of that?
32:04Now, what's the problem?
32:06All right.
32:06Well, I've been getting a bit of Cynthia.
32:09Cynthia?
32:11Pain.
32:14Where do you get this pain?
32:16Well, all over, really.
32:18I mean, this morning I got it in the lift.
32:19There's one...
32:20No, no.
32:22Where on your body?
32:23Oh, right.
32:24Get it in the old New Delhi, don't I?
32:27New Delhi?
32:28Yeah, the belly.
32:29You're not from round these parts, are you?
32:32No.
32:33I'm from New Delhi.
32:36Really?
32:38Not much point calling you in an emergency, then, is it?
32:40I mean, I was born in New Delhi, and now I live in Peckham.
32:47Yeah, yeah, I know.
32:47It's just a joke, you see.
32:49Oh, yes.
32:51Very good.
32:53What sort of pain is it?
32:55Well, it hurts.
32:56Yes, but is it a sharp pain or a dull pain?
33:02Well, it's a bit of both, really.
33:05Would you strip to the waist, please, Mr Trotter?
33:08Uh, no, no, it's all right, Doc.
33:10No, you don't need for that.
33:11I mean, just give me a couple of pills, that's all.
33:12I'd like to examine you.
33:14Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch.
33:16Thank you, sir.
33:46I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once.
33:54Do you have bouts of dizziness?
33:55No, no, it was your joke, Doctor.
33:57It was your joke, wasn't it?
34:00I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking.
34:03I'm finding this rather confusing.
34:07Do you ever suffer from constipation?
34:09No, regulars clockwork.
34:10You have plenty of roughage in your diet?
34:12Nothing but roughage.
34:13Muesli, brown bread, all day.
34:14I'm a very organic person.
34:16That's very good.
34:17Even in this day and age, you'd be surprised the number of people that didn't exist on fried foods and takeaways.
34:22Not me, Doc.
34:23I'm like a walking grow bag.
34:27When they bury me, there'll be rhubarb everywhere within six months.
34:30Mr. Trotter, when I said strip to the waist, I meant the top half.
34:42You can look at your shirt back on now, Mr. Trotter.
34:51I hope my stethoscope wasn't too cold for you.
34:54No, no, not at all.
34:55Round here, you know, we call them deaf-o-scopes.
34:58Really?
34:58Why?
34:59Well, because if you can't hear anything, either we're dead or you're deaf.
35:02Are you a heavy drinker, Mr. Trotter?
35:06Me?
35:06No, no, I'm teetotal.
35:08Well, you know, I have the odd mineral water, goat-skinned milk and all that.
35:12You'll have a very high pulse rate.
35:14Oh, thank you, Doctor.
35:17No, I'm concerned about it.
35:19I mean, it's almost as if you're frightened of something.
35:21Frightened?
35:21Me?
35:22No, I don't know the meaning of the word.
35:25No, I know what it was.
35:26It was, uh, I jogged down here for the surgery from the gym this evening.
35:30That's what it was.
35:30Ah, that would explain it.
35:32I wish all my patients were as health-conscious as you, Mr. Trotter.
35:36May we, may we.
35:39So, what do you reckon the pains are then, Doc?
35:41Well, to tell you the truth,
35:44I'm not sure.
35:45I'd like you to go down to the local hospital and have a few tests done.
35:48Oh, yeah.
35:49Okay, well, I'll make an appointment tomorrow morning then, shall I?
35:53No, I'd like you to go now.
35:56Now?
35:57You mean this minute?
35:58Yes.
36:00You may have a grumbling appendix.
36:03Now, I emphasise the word may.
36:06If that should prove to be the case,
36:07we have to remove it as quickly as possible.
36:10What do you mean?
36:11What do you mean? Cut it out?
36:13Yes.
36:14I mean, cut it out.
36:16But it might not be an appendix.
36:18Maybe.
36:19So, if it's not an appendix, what could it be?
36:21Well, let's not speculate, hmm?
36:23Well, let's hope it's an appendix then, shall we?
36:25Um, don't have to go by ambulance, do I?
36:28No, but I don't want you jogging there.
36:31No.
36:31You can call a minicab.
36:33No, it's all right.
36:33I'll give me brother a bell.
36:34He can come down and take me down there.
36:36Mm-hmm.
36:37I'll call the hospital and tell them you're on your way.
36:39Yeah, okay.
36:40I'll, er, use the phone in reception.
36:45Yeah, all right then, doc.
36:46Rodney.
36:53Rodney.
36:54Hello, Rodders.
36:55It's me, Del Boy.
36:57Yeah, that's, yes, I'm here at the doctor's.
37:00Yes, listen, um, look, there's nothing to worry about, but I want you to come down here
37:05and, er, give me a lift down to the hospital.
37:08Yeah, I've got to go there right away.
37:10Now, listen, listen, I said there's nothing to worry about, so I don't want you driving
37:13here 100 miles an hour and having an accident, nothing like that.
37:17What?
37:19No, of course I can't get a cab.
37:21I don't care if Neighbours has just started.
37:25Look, I'm at the Quacks and I want you to take me to the hospital.
37:29I need you here, Rodney.
37:31I want...
37:31I want to...
37:34I don't want to go on my own.
37:39You all right?
37:40I'll see you in a minute.
37:44There you go, Trig.
37:45Cheers, Mike.
37:46What can I get you then, Rodney?
37:47Oh, er, lemonade with ice, non-alcoholic lager top and a small rum, please.
37:51Right.
37:52Here, er, any news from the hospital, Rodney?
37:54No, not really.
37:56He ain't got a grumbling appendix.
37:58I don't seem to know what it is.
37:59Still, they're keeping him in, you know, they're running tests, keeping him under observation
38:02and that.
38:03Yeah, must be horrible, that.
38:05What?
38:05We're laying in bed all day with someone standing there looking at you.
38:11No, Trig, they don't just keep...
38:15Yeah, it must be horrible.
38:17Yeah, years ago, I had a mate like that.
38:20Doctors couldn't find out what was wrong with him.
38:22And he died, did he?
38:23Yeah.
38:27Oh, I'm not saying that Del's got that.
38:29No.
38:30Yeah, well, let's hope not, eh?
38:31Oi, listen, Mike, we're going to visit him this evening, right?
38:33And he asked whether you could do him a bacon sandwich with lots of brown sauce, because
38:36he can't stand that hospital food.
38:38But he'd be all cold and greasy by this evening.
38:41Yeah, so he likes it.
38:42Oh, well, he also said, would you send up a bottle of Coke and put some Bacardi in it
38:46so the old matron won't suss?
38:48Yeah, all right.
38:49Leave it to me, Rodney.
38:49Cheers, that's all I've got.
38:51That'll do.
38:51Cheer up a little bit, Rodney.
39:04I mean, Del's in the best place, isn't he?
39:06Oh, yeah, he's in the best place.
39:08I just wish I knew what was wrong with him.
39:10Maybe on second force, I don't want enough.
39:14We thought I was stationed out in New Guinea.
39:16Oh, God.
39:17A crewmate of mine went down with a mysterious tummy bug, just like Del's.
39:27Finest medical brains in Jayapura couldn't make out what it was.
39:31Huh?
39:32Your dad's still thinking about buying that new Jake?
39:35Yeah, he's looking at one tomorrow.
39:36Yeah?
39:36Yeah.
39:37Until this American surgeon arrived on the scene.
39:41He twigged it straight away.
39:43And what was it?
39:44Green parrot disease.
39:47Well, that's certainly worth knowing, Albert.
39:51Thank you very much.
39:52Are you going to tell the doctor in charge of Del's case?
39:54You know, he might not have thought of it.
39:56Nah, that would have been one of the first things he'd have thought.
39:58How the hell's Del going to get green parrot disease in Kepham?
40:02Well, I admit it's a long shot.
40:04Just grabbing at straws, I suppose.
40:07Yeah.
40:07Yeah, well, we're all doing that, Albert.
40:10I'm sorry.
40:11I'm going to put a drop of black currant in this.
40:15Can I visit Del with you this evening?
40:17Yeah.
40:19It's worth a journey just to see his pyjamas.
40:21He's never been ill before.
40:25Well, you know, he's been ill, but he's never been in hospital.
40:28He's terrified of him.
40:30He got stabbed once outside a dance hall.
40:33There was blood all over his shirt, four-inch gash in his shoulder, but he never went to hospital.
40:38He didn't have it treated?
40:39Right.
40:40Did it himself.
40:41TCP in a flannel.
40:42Did you know the person who did it?
40:46Yeah.
40:46And I bet he didn't report it to the police.
40:48Nah.
40:49Well, he couldn't really.
40:50He was engaged to her at the time.
40:57I prayed last night.
41:00I prayed Del wouldn't die.
41:02Rodney, that's not going to happen.
41:05No, no.
41:06As soon as I'd done it, I thought, well, it's stupid.
41:10Del ain't going to die.
41:13He's not the type.
41:21So anyway, they took some more samples aside from me.
41:24Samples of me blood, samples of me...
41:26Samples of everything.
41:30Nah, they want me to fast for 24 hours.
41:32Well, why is that?
41:33Are they running more tests tomorrow?
41:35Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll be 12 pounds, 3 gallons lighter than when I came in.
41:38I know that.
41:39What do you do?
41:42You're not supposed to be eating that.
41:45I know, Rodney, but this fasting makes you hungry.
41:47It can affect the results of your tests.
41:50Give over, girl.
41:51It's only a bacon sandwich and a bit of brown sauce.
41:54Exactly.
41:55I read it in one of the local papers somewhere.
41:57It's one of the few hospitals in the country that doesn't have a bacon sandwich detector.
42:02I don't believe you, Derek.
42:05When a doctor says you're supposed to fast for 24 hours, then you should fast for 24 hours.
42:10What did you bring the sandwich in for, then?
42:12Because I didn't know you were supposed to be fasting.
42:15And you're not supposed to be drinking that, either.
42:16That's got Bacardi in it.
42:18Shh, shh, shh.
42:18Keep your noise down, will ya?
42:20Listen, with the sort of measures Mike gives, there's less spirits in that than there was
42:26at our séance.
42:28Yeah, look at that.
42:28Wasn't last night the pucker séance night?
42:32Yeah.
42:34Oh, did it go well?
42:36Um, not quite as well as we'd expected.
42:40It was a total cock-up from where I was standing.
42:42Well, come on, tell me.
42:45Well, you know those posters you put up in the pub windows with the séance and the ghostly
42:50face?
42:50Yeah, yeah.
42:51Well, a lot of people got the wrong impression.
42:53They thought the séance was a group.
42:56It was packed with punk rockers.
42:59Special brew everywhere.
43:00People shouting, ass-aid, all that.
43:05They're expecting to see an Iron Maiden-type band.
43:09Then Elsie Partridge walked out in her hat.
43:12They weren't less pleased, Del.
43:15Fortunately, she remained in a trance throughout the riot.
43:19She was still in it this morning when I went round her flat.
43:24It's amazing, isn't it, eh?
43:25It's amazing.
43:26I only organised that séance out of the goodness of my heart to help people over their loss.
43:30Now that they faint me, eh, they chuck it back in me face.
43:33Still, you tried.
43:38Visiting time's over.
43:39Can't say I'm disappointed.
43:41I hate these places.
43:44Death and sickness everywhere.
43:46They're not all that they're cracked up to be, young.
43:48Take care.
43:50Bye-bye, sweetheart.
43:51Thanks for coming.
43:52Bye-bye.
43:52You look after him now, will you?
43:54Yeah, I see he's all right.
43:55I hope you feel better soon, Del.
43:57Lord, there's nothing wrong with me.
43:58I don't know what I'm doing in here.
44:01I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
44:02Yeah, well, hang on a minute, Rodney.
44:03Hang on, will you?
44:05I'll see you outside.
44:06All right.
44:12What's that?
44:12I'm scared, Rodney.
44:17Oh, come on, Del.
44:19You're in hospitals.
44:21I know, that's why I'm scared.
44:23I mean, can you think of a better place to be?
44:26Yes.
44:27In a pub down the market anywhere, but here.
44:28I think I know what's wrong with me.
44:39What?
44:43I think I've got...
44:45You know.
44:49You mean...
44:50No.
44:54Not...
44:55Yes.
44:58Don't be stupid.
45:02How much do you think that?
45:04Because the doctors found out that I was a bachelor
45:06and they started asking questions about my social activities.
45:10Bloody hell.
45:12Yeah, it's all right.
45:12I didn't tell them nothing.
45:13I made out I was like an amateur monk, you know.
45:17And well, I've been laying here, you know,
45:20thinking about my past.
45:22Well, what's the point in depressing yourself?
45:25I don't know.
45:25I start to think about some of the birds
45:28that I'm knocked about with.
45:29And, God, blimey, Rodney.
45:31Some of them have been round the track
45:32more times than a lurcher.
45:36Bill, you're just being irrational.
45:38Am I?
45:40Then what about that unisex hairdresser's end
45:43down the high street?
45:44Well, what about it?
45:45Well, I went in there last month for a trim, didn't I?
45:48And I thought I was going to get one of the dolly birds
45:49with the miniskirts, you know, and all that.
45:51Who did I get?
45:52They give me some mush called Jason.
45:55So?
45:57So?
45:57Saying he's a bandit.
46:03I don't believe.
46:05Bill, you cannot go around making accusations
46:07against innocent people.
46:10Anyway, you can't catch it off a comb.
46:13I'll be saying he's nicked the back of me neck or something
46:14with a razor or something.
46:16So?
46:16As long as he doesn't kiss it better, you're laughing.
46:19And then there's Uncle Albert, isn't there?
46:21I mean, blimey, he's been round the world
46:22more times than Phileas Fogg.
46:24He's not picked up.
46:26And then there's you and that computer.
46:28My computer?
46:29Yes, I was reading about it.
46:30All them computer viruses.
46:34Bill.
46:35Look, calm down, right?
46:38I understand your fears and concerns, right?
46:41But you're just letting your imagination run away with you.
46:45If you had that, or anything as serious as that,
46:49they would have known by now.
46:51These doctors are experts, you know.
46:54They've got a spare bed downstairs if you're interested.
47:22Go on, I'll see you tomorrow.
47:26Yeah, all right.
47:29Ah!
47:29Ah!
47:30Ah!
47:32Bill, hold on.
47:33I'll get a nurse.
47:35Nurse!
47:36Hold on, Bill.
47:37Don't you die.
47:38Don't you bloody die!
47:40I'm not going to die, you plonker.
47:41I've just sat on my bacon sandwich.
47:43Aren't you eating that?
47:53No, I'm not in the mood, sweetheart.
47:54It's fresh fish.
47:56No, it's fresh.
47:57Just winked at me.
47:59I'll have to tell Matron.
48:00No, it's all right.
48:01It didn't really wink at me.
48:02No, I mean, if a patient doesn't eat his food, I'll have to report it.
48:06Oh, go on then.
48:06You go and grasp me up.
48:08I'm not frightened of the old cow.
48:10Hey, nurse.
48:13Any news on my application for a bed bath?
48:15Sorry.
48:22You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter.
48:24We can either save you or the baby.
48:29Robbie Meadows.
48:30You old git.
48:32Please, Bill, not in front of the staff.
48:34Ah, yeah, sorry.
48:36Dr Meadows, you old git.
48:39What brings you here?
48:40I've got good news and bad news, Bill.
48:42The good news is they put me in charge of your case.
48:44Ah.
48:45What's the bad news?
48:47I specialise in amputation.
48:51It's a good one.
48:54Here, do you still get down the old 1-11 club?
48:56No, not any more, Dale.
48:58I pack gambling in.
48:59It's a mugs game.
49:01You still go down there?
49:02Oh, yeah.
49:05Anyway, how come you're in charge?
49:08It was an accident, really.
49:09I just happened to be talking to some colleagues
49:11when the name Derek Trotter cropped up.
49:12So I asked if I could read your GP's report
49:15and have a look at your tests.
49:16I was amazed.
49:18I found myself reading about this non-smoking,
49:20teetotal, celibate, vegetarian health freak.
49:24I thought, can this be the same Derek Trotter
49:26that I know and begrudgingly admire?
49:28That uptight, wheeling-dealing, pina colada lout,
49:32the Castella King,
49:34the curry connoisseur,
49:36the same man who's lived his life on nervous tension,
49:39fried bread and doubtful women.
49:41And was it?
49:44Yeah.
49:46Why did you lie to your GP, Dale?
49:48Well, she's a doctor, isn't she?
49:52I don't understand.
49:54Well, you never told the doctors the truth,
49:55otherwise they'd put you in hospital.
49:57But you've been put in hospital.
49:59Yeah, I know, but I didn't mean that to happen, did I?
50:01I thought you'd just give me a bottle of jollup.
50:02Dale, if you'd have told the truth in the first place,
50:04my colleagues could have diagnosed your problem
50:06in a quarter of the time.
50:08As it was, they thought they were dealing with a perfect man,
50:11but all the time it was you.
50:12It confused them,
50:13threw them onto the wrong tracks.
50:16Well, told her I did have a cigar at Christmas time.
50:21What about the other 10,000 throughout the rest of the year?
50:25Ah, that reminds me.
50:26We found your cigar holder in the body scanner.
50:29Oh, oh yeah, cheers.
50:31Must have fallen out me robe.
50:34We now know what's wrong with you, Dale.
50:38All right.
50:43Let's hear the worst.
50:45I can take it.
50:46I'm not frightened.
50:48Don't pull any punches.
50:49I want it straight from the shoulder.
50:51Yeah, I think it's best in the long run.
50:54Well, basically, Derek,
50:56there's nothing wrong with you.
50:58Oh, oh, oh, thank God.
51:06Thank God.
51:07Thank Allah.
51:07Thank Buddha.
51:09Thank you, God.
51:12Relieved, eh?
51:14Well, you know.
51:15What about these pains?
51:18What are these pains, then, Doc?
51:20You have an irritable bowel.
51:22I'm not surprised with you lot pulling me about.
51:25No, no, that's what your condition is called.
51:27You have an irritable bowel syndrome.
51:30It's nothing serious.
51:31I'll put you on a course of drugs.
51:33Your condition has been caused by your lifestyle.
51:36The late nights, the booze, the nicotine, the fried fast foods.
51:41Do you ever think about all that saturated fat floating around your arteries?
51:45Well, I try not to.
51:46Puts me off me grab.
51:49One of the major contributory factors of this syndrome is stress.
51:53A lot of yuppies suffer from it.
51:54Del, I took the liberty of phoning the director of housing about your rent arrears.
52:03Ah, how did you find out?
52:04I phoned your flat.
52:06I'm sorry, mate.
52:06I had to find out what the hell was going on.
52:09I spoke to your uncle.
52:11The council have agreed to give you some breathing space.
52:13A bit of time to get yourself together.
52:17Right.
52:18Cheers, Robbie.
52:19You've been given a warning, Del.
52:21Nature's way of telling you to eat muesli for breakfast.
52:24Cut right down on the drink and the cigars.
52:27Eat wholesome, real food.
52:29And above all else, learn to relax.
52:32Doctor's orders.
52:34Right, will do.
52:36Here.
52:36Pop this into the pharmacy on your way home.
52:40What, you mean I can go?
52:41Yeah, and don't come back.
52:44I want you convalescing for the next three weeks.
52:47I don't want you working or getting excited.
52:49Sit in a chair, eat boring foods and live a boring life.
52:52That'll be easy.
52:53I'll sit in the flat and talk to my Uncle Albert.
52:57See you around, Del.
52:58Yes.
53:00Thanks very much, Robbie.
53:01Er, I knew there was nothing wrong with me.
53:19Silly old sod.
53:20Breakfast.
53:28Ah, good.
53:30What is it?
53:32It's muesli.
53:34Blimey, it looks like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft.
53:37I can't eat this for the rest of my life.
53:52I'd rather croak it than eat this, rubbish.
53:54Well, don't get excited.
53:55You'll bring your pains back on.
53:57All the quack said was you've got to get a sensible diet.
54:00Yes.
54:00Usually it's just part of it.
54:02All right, all right, hon, all right.
54:04I'll do you a cup of tea, son.
54:06Yeah, all right.
54:09Here.
54:11How many cigars did that doctor say that I could have a day?
54:14She said three.
54:15How many have I had?
54:17Four.
54:25All right?
54:27Yeah, terrific, Rodders.
54:29Oh, what's up with you now?
54:31Look, there's nothing the matter with me.
54:33All that happened was I picked up some sort of syndrome
54:35and you two are treating me like an invalid.
54:37Oi, we are not treating you like an invalid.
54:40We are trying to do our best by you.
54:42Yeah, it's all right.
54:43I'm sorry, Rodders.
54:44It's all right.
54:46Albert, I've got a con plan.
54:51So, you feeling relaxed?
54:54Yes, I'm relaxed all over, thank you.
54:56Good.
54:57Because I've got some really great news.
55:00Oh, yeah.
55:01What is it?
55:02I'm getting married.
55:07Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:08Oh, yeah.
55:09Oh, yeah.
55:09Oh, yeah.
55:09Oh, yeah.
55:09Oh, yeah.
55:10Oh, yeah.
55:10Oh, yeah.
55:10Oh, yeah.
55:11Oh, yeah.
55:11Oh, yeah.
55:11Oh, yeah.
55:12Oh, yeah.
55:12Oh, yeah.
55:12Oh, yeah.
55:12Oh, yeah.
55:12Oh, yeah.
55:13Oh, yeah.
55:13Oh, yeah.
55:13Oh, yeah.
55:14Oh, yeah.
55:14Oh, yeah.
55:15Oh, yeah.
55:15Oh, yeah.
55:16Oh, yeah.
55:17Oh, yeah.
55:18Oh, yeah.
55:19Oh, yeah.
55:20Oh, yeah.
55:21Oh, yeah.
55:22Oh, yeah.
55:23Oh, yeah.