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00:00I don't like camel hair, doll.
00:03This is not camel hair.
00:05It's genuine polyester-y.
00:08Now, that's it. Go and have a look at the mirror.
00:16Handsome, isn't it, eh?
00:17What do you mean handsome? Look, his mouth's too big for me.
00:21Of course it's not.
00:22That's the fashion, isn't it?
00:24Well, how come yours looks like it's made to measure, then?
00:27Oh, this one, yeah, it's a bit too small for me.
00:29I saved you the best one, Rodney.
00:32Del, it's horrible.
00:35Well, you can at least wear it for a while.
00:37See if you get used to it.
00:40I mean, it is a gift, Rodney.
00:42I mean, it is a gift.
00:55Oh, you're right, Del.
00:56Once you've had it on for a while, it really grows on you, doesn't it?
01:00You like it, then?
01:01Like it?
01:02I love it.
01:04I think it's really, really smart, you know.
01:06Cheers.
01:07Oh, glad you like it.
01:09That's a score you owe me.
01:11A score?
01:12You said it was a gift.
01:14Well, it is a gift at 20 Nicker.
01:16It cost you $180 up Bond Street.
01:18Yeah, but when you...
01:19All right, don't worry about the money, Rodders.
01:23I'll take it out of your wages.
01:24Well, you said you liked it.
01:28Yeah, I know, but...
01:32Yeah.
01:33Yeah, cheers, Del.
01:35All right, Rodney.
01:36That's what brothers are for.
01:37Now, listen, I want you to pop down and see that Mrs Singh,
01:40because according to the book,
01:41she had a dinner service and two Persian rugs off us last month,
01:44and she ain't paid a penny off them since.
01:46Right.
01:47Right.
01:48And while you're at it,
01:49see if you can get her interested in any of this gear.
01:51Del, Mrs Singh's a Hindu.
01:54Hindus do not go about in peekaboo bras and nifty knickers.
01:59What are you, some kind of swammy or something?
02:02I don't know what goes on underneath them saris.
02:05Go on.
02:06See you later.
02:15Excuse me.
02:16Oh.
02:16Sorry, can you tell me if Mrs Singh's in at all?
02:19Mrs Singh doesn't live here any more.
02:21She moved away about three weeks ago.
02:22I've taken her flat.
02:25Great.
02:26Did you say where she was moving to?
02:28Bangladesh.
02:30I thought we'd lost her.
02:33Can I do anything for you?
02:36Nah, nah, not really.
02:38It's just that Mrs Singh bought a few items off us
02:40and she's supposed to pay for them on the weekly.
02:43I see.
02:43What are you, a tally man?
02:44No, no, no.
02:46I'm not a tally man.
02:47It's just every so often I manage to get me hands on a few bargains, you know.
02:52Really?
02:52What are you selling today?
02:53Women's clothing.
02:55You know, skirts, blouses, under...
02:57lingerie, that sort of thing.
03:00Bring them inside.
03:01I might be interested.
03:04Yeah, all right.
03:07Are you coming in or not?
03:08Yeah, OK.
03:09OK.
03:09OK.
03:09OK.
03:39I don't hear you.
03:42No, nothing.
03:45Well?
03:47What do you think?
03:49Hmm?
03:51Terrific.
03:52You don't think this split's too revealing, do you?
03:54No, no, that's just right.
03:57Here, I can't quite reach this zip.
03:59Can you give us a hand?
04:04Er, what time do your husband get home?
04:06He doesn't.
04:07My husband's away.
04:10Oh.
04:13Oh, and do you know I've got a strong grip?
04:16It's all that free-school milk they keep giving us.
04:21So, you're on your own then?
04:23No.
04:24Oh.
04:25Here's my son, Marcus.
04:27Oh, right.
04:28What, is he asleep in the bedroom?
04:29No, he's down the snooker hall.
04:31He's 16.
04:36I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you been ill recently?
04:40Oh, I've lost a lot of weight.
04:47Oh, this?
04:48No, no, it's, you know, it's fashion.
04:50Is it really?
04:52Well, I'm so out of touch, I seem to spend every hour of the day in this flat.
04:58Well, you don't know many people around this area, then?
05:00No, I only moved here a month ago.
05:02I come from East London, you see.
05:04Must get pretty gutty being in on your own of an evening.
05:08Especially for someone who's used to going out and enjoying herself all the time.
05:13Are there any nice places around here?
05:16Nah.
05:18Oh, there's a dinner and dance place over Straight and Way.
05:21That's supposed to be really good.
05:23I was thinking of giving it a try Saturday night.
05:25Oh, I hope you and your girlfriend enjoy yourselves.
05:28Oh, I haven't got a girlfriend.
05:30Well, what I mean to say is I haven't got a regular one.
05:33Oh, hundreds of casuals, I'll bet.
05:35Yeah, all over the place, yeah.
05:39Thing is, they're all busy Saturday night.
05:41So, you know, I was wondering whether you'd, you know, if you're not too busy, perhaps you'd like...
05:48I expect you are, but if you're not, would you like to come with me?
05:54Thank you very much.
05:55It's just that...
05:56Oh, no, no, it's okay.
05:57You made other arrangements, I understand.
05:59No, I haven't made other arrangements.
06:01You're washing your hair?
06:02No.
06:02You're mending your bike?
06:03No, I did that last Tuesday.
06:06So what is it then?
06:08Well, how old are you?
06:11Well, I'm not a kid, if that's what you mean.
06:13I'm 23 and a half.
06:14That's what I mean.
06:15You're 23 and a half and I'm older than you.
06:20So?
06:21Well, doesn't it bother you?
06:22No.
06:23Does it bother you?
06:24Well, no.
06:25So where's the problem?
06:27There is one.
06:28Thank you very much for the invitation.
06:29I'd love to go out with you.
06:31See you Saturday night.
06:32Right, about 8.30.
06:34I'll pick you up in a minicab.
06:38Just one thing, you'd better tell me your name.
06:40It's going to get a bit embarrassing if I keep having to call you a thingy all night.
06:44Sorry, yeah.
06:45Rodney.
06:46Irene.
06:47No, Rodney.
06:47Oh, sorry.
06:53Pleased to meet you, Irene.
06:54Oh, yeah.
06:56Well, I'd better get my suit down to clean this in.
07:01Rodney.
07:02You sure you don't mind?
07:04People might stare.
07:06Let them stare?
07:07That sort of thing don't bother me, Irene.
07:10I went out with a Chinese girl once.
07:11Of course I missed you today.
07:21Yeah, I missed you yesterday and the day before that.
07:25And the day before that, yeah.
07:27Come on, you know I'm thinking about you all the time.
07:30Oh, yeah.
07:34Really?
07:39Oi.
07:41Yeah?
07:41I mean, yeah?
07:43Can I dip my bread in your egg?
07:47Help yourself.
07:48Thanks very much.
07:52Eh?
07:53No, no, it's my brother.
07:56Oh, yeah.
07:56Yeah, OK.
07:57I'll see you soon.
07:59Of course I do.
08:00I can't.
08:05There's people here.
08:10Yeah, all right.
08:11OK.
08:12See you.
08:12Bye.
08:14Who was that, Rodney?
08:16Oh?
08:17Oh, er, Mickey Pierce.
08:26Mickey Pierce?
08:27Del, I want your advice.
08:31I've got a bit of a problem.
08:32I don't want to know.
08:33I don't want to know.
08:35I'd rather die in ignorance.
08:36There's never been anything like that in our family.
08:43Here hang about, Mickey Pierce is on holiday in France, isn't he?
08:46Oh, yeah.
08:47Well, it wasn't him, actually.
08:49It was a girl.
08:50Don't you ever do that to me again, Rodney.
08:56I should be up all night with heartburn.
08:59So you've got a bird, have you?
09:00Oh, well, that explains it.
09:02Explains what?
09:04That explains why you've been lolliping about so much for the last week or so.
09:07You're going to pull your socks up, my son.
09:09It's beginning to affect business.
09:10How can it affect business?
09:11I'll tell you, shall I?
09:12Look.
09:14It's a tiny head called Irene McKay, right?
09:16She's had 17 quids worth of clothes off you,
09:18and you're letting her pay you back at 25 pence a week, right?
09:22That means you've got to go around there every week for a year.
09:27Yeah, I know.
09:33I get it.
09:34Rodney's got a mystery.
09:37Irene's not a mystery.
09:39We've just been seeing a lot of each other,
09:41and, well, we've become quite close.
09:45Promise me you won't laugh?
09:47No, of course I won't.
09:49I think I'm in love.
09:53Oh, do us a favour, Rodney.
09:56Only a month ago,
09:58he was in love with that skinny bird from the dry cleaners.
10:01Now, along comes another little girl,
10:03and you're away again.
10:05Marguerite from the dry cleaners
10:07was just an infatuation.
10:08This is the real thing.
10:10And Irene is not a little girl.
10:11She happens to be a woman.
10:13A woman, eh?
10:15He's fallen in love with somebody who's got the vote this time.
10:19How old is she, 20?
10:21No, she's about 30.
10:25What do you mean?
10:26About 30.
10:27How old is she exactly?
10:2814.
10:3040?
10:3240?
10:33You're not being serious, are you?
10:38What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
10:40Nothing.
10:41Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50.
10:45Right, she's even too old for me.
10:48Well, I'd have to think twice.
10:50Shut up, Grandgate.
10:54No, he's right, Rodney.
10:55He's right.
10:56I mean, when she was drinking frothy coffee with some Ted up the Lyceum,
10:59you were struggling to keep your grape water down.
11:02Oh, no, bruv.
11:03This is one problem you're going to have to solve on your own.
11:06That's not the problem.
11:08Well, something else is there?
11:09Yeah, her husband.
11:12She's not married at all.
11:13Is she?
11:14Oh, no, he don't live with her.
11:16He's away.
11:17Where?
11:18Parkhurst.
11:18I don't believe you.
11:22I don't believe you.
11:25You're not going...
11:26You're not going queso with the wife of a convict, are you?
11:29Don't half jump the conclusions, don't you?
11:31I mean, just because he's in Parkhurst
11:33don't automatically mean he's a convict.
11:35I mean, he could be a warder or even a governor.
11:38And is he?
11:41Is he what?
11:42With a warder or the governor?
11:44Well, no, he's a convict, but you weren't sure.
11:48What's he in there for, Rodney?
11:51Oh, you know, this and that.
11:52Yeah, come on, like what?
11:54Well, like wounding with intent, GBH and attempted murder.
12:00He's got a little bit of a temper, has he?
12:03But this is why Irene's had such an unhappy life with him.
12:06He used to beat her up, Del.
12:08She's moved over this way from the East End to get away from him.
12:11Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
12:12What do you mean, get away from him?
12:13He's on the Isle of Bloody White, Rodney.
12:15Yeah, I know that, but he's been released soon.
12:18That's the problem.
12:20Look, when he comes out,
12:21do you think I should go and see him
12:23and tell him about me and Irene man to man?
12:32Well, let me put it this way.
12:34You know, one day, if you're really fed up
12:36with having knees in the middle of your legs.
12:40You know, you go and see him.
12:42On the other hand, if you've grown quite attached to him,
12:45emigrate to Vietnam.
12:47You stupid little plonker, Rodney.
12:50What do you think this is, Jackanory?
12:52This bloke's a killer.
12:54Well, he only got done for attempted murder.
12:56Oh, didn't he?
12:58Well, maybe that was just a bit of practice, eh?
13:01His first big success is going to come with Rodney.
13:04Yeah, just like the rest of modern society, ain't you?
13:07Frightened.
13:08Come on, me?
13:10Frightened of them nutters out there in the shadows?
13:12Yes.
13:13Oh, yeah, they frighten me, Rodney.
13:16Yeah, well, I've got a life to live, right?
13:18And I'm not going to have some mindless little thug
13:19like her old man, Tommy McKay,
13:21telling me what I can do and what I can't do.
13:24It's one battle I'm going to have to win, innit?
13:26All right.
13:27All right, go on.
13:28You go and do that, then, Popeye.
13:30What are you going to do?
13:30Carry a couple of tins of spinach around with you?
13:34Listen up.
13:35You wanted my advice, right?
13:36Well, here it is.
13:37Steer clear of Irene McKay.
13:40Otherwise, sleep with one eye open.
13:42All right?
13:43Yeah, well, I'll think about it, Del.
13:45I'll see you both later.
13:46I'm going round Irene's.
13:47Yeah, go on, then.
13:48Go on.
13:48You go round there.
13:49Off you go on your bike.
13:51I wouldn't bother to put that on,
13:52because when we come to pay our last respects to you,
13:54you'll be wearing a concrete overgo.
13:58You'll be helping to support a flyover on the M26.
14:03What are you going to do, Del boy?
14:06Oh, nothing.
14:10I mean, you know what he's like with birds, don't you?
14:12Falls in and out of love more times than Starsky and Hatch.
14:16Anyway, they always give him the elbow after a fortnight.
14:19But in case she don't.
14:22Got to put his name down for Booper.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24Good morning, my little potpourri.
14:49Good morning.
14:50Give us Tia Maria and pineapple juice
14:52and give us half a lager for lover boy, will you?
14:56He's on scotch and that's his fourth.
14:58Is it?
14:58Yes.
14:58All right, give him one more and that's his lot.
15:00Right.
15:00Right.
15:03All right, Rodgers?
15:04Here, done well today.
15:05I knocked out all of them Georgian digital clocks.
15:09Yeah?
15:09Yeah.
15:10You're trippy.
15:14Leave that there, right.
15:15Don't sit on it.
15:18What's the matter with you?
15:20Nothing.
15:21Now, come on, don't give us that.
15:22What's the matter now?
15:23It's Irene.
15:26Oh, don't tell me.
15:27They've turned down her free bus pass.
15:31She's finished with me.
15:34Oh.
15:35Oh, well.
15:36All's well that ends well, I suppose.
15:38What do you mean, all's well that ends well?
15:40It hasn't ended well for me, has it?
15:42Oh, now, come on, Rodney.
15:44Come on, you've had a good time, haven't you?
15:46You know, a few drinks, a bit of the old Humpty Dumpty.
15:48And that's finished, isn't it, eh?
15:51You're a pig, aren't you?
15:53That is the pinnacle of your aesthetic appreciation, isn't it?
15:56A few drinks and a bit of Humpty Dumpty.
16:00Yeah.
16:01No, I was just trying to put it in perspective, that's all.
16:03I mean, you didn't honestly think that anything was going to come of it, did you?
16:06I loved her, Dil.
16:11Now, come on, Rodney.
16:14Believe me, bruv, it's...
16:16You know, it's all for the best in the end.
16:20I mean, I know exactly what would have happened.
16:23You know, one day you would have gone down that Rolo disco and met some blinding 18-year-old sort who would have knocked your eyes out.
16:30And she would have fell head over heels for you, wouldn't she?
16:35Well...
16:35Yeah.
16:36And then you'd have to go and break the news to Irene.
16:39How do you think a 40-year-old woman would feel knowing that she's lost in love to a younger woman?
16:46She wouldn't be just losing any man.
16:52She'd be losing you.
16:57I never thought of it like that.
16:59No.
16:59That scar would never heal.
17:04No.
17:06Oh, poor chick.
17:09Exactly.
17:10It's que sera, sera, as the French say.
17:15Anyway, our old man was released yesterday, so it saved you from all that, didn't it?
17:19Yeah, you're right.
17:21Look, I'm sorry if I've been a bit of a pain lately.
17:24No, of course you ain't, no.
17:25Oh, do leave off.
17:26Look at me.
17:26I've been acting like a right wally.
17:28Oi.
17:28No, I don't want you talking like that, Rodney.
17:31Emotions that you've been experiencing are the things that separate you from, well, from those morons.
17:41No, it's all right.
17:43It just shows that you're a human being in the fullest sense of the word.
17:47It proves you've got a heart, Rodney.
17:50And them feelings deserve respect, dignity.
17:56Don't feel ashamed of them.
17:58You feel proud of them.
18:00Yeah.
18:03Let's see.
18:04Cheers, Dan.
18:05It's all right.
18:07I'll get our drinks, eh?
18:08Yeah.
18:09Right.
18:11What's up with him?
18:12I asked them old tarts giving him the sack.
18:17You know what he's like, don't you?
18:20Here you are.
18:20If you're looking for answers, you won't find any in the bottom of the glass.
18:23No, I just fancied a drink.
18:25It's all right.
18:25It's all right.
18:26Just, you know, you just lay off the bottle, all right?
18:28Cheers, Dan, anyway.
18:30Cheers.
18:30Good luck.
18:34Hello, Rodney.
18:35Oh, hello, Marcus.
18:36This is Irene's son.
18:38This is my brother.
18:39All right, Del?
18:40Yeah.
18:40Hello, son.
18:40Smart-looking kid, isn't he, eh?
18:49I reckon he can pick up BBC Two on that hair.
18:54BBC Two on his hair.
18:56Oh, God, what's the matter with you now?
19:03No, nothing.
19:04But how did you know Irene's husband was released yesterday?
19:09Eh?
19:09Well, you.
19:11You must have said.
19:12Did I?
19:12Yeah.
19:13But I didn't know.
19:15You must have said.
19:16I mean, how else would I have known?
19:18I suppose I must have.
19:20Yeah.
19:21Anyway, come on, come on.
19:22Let's get going.
19:23Drink up, eh?
19:23See if we can do a bit of sight, now.
19:27Yeah, all right.
19:29How did Marcus know your name?
19:33You introduced us, didn't you, eh?
19:35No, I just said you was my brother.
19:37I didn't say your name.
19:38Oh, well, he must have heard it before somewhere, mustn't he?
19:41He's never met you before.
19:44Well, he must have seen my D.
19:45Look, I'm wearing a big D, aren't I, eh?
19:46It's obvious my name's Del, isn't it?
19:50That could stand for David, Daniel, Douglas.
19:53He's wearing one of your coats.
19:56Oh, no, that.
19:57We're all wearing them, aren't we, eh?
19:58Look, it's for fashion, isn't it, eh?
20:00Come on, come on, let's go.
20:02Oi, Marcus.
20:04How did you know his name?
20:05I met him on Thursday when he took Mum out for a drink.
20:08You took Irene out?
20:19Now, look, Rodney, that's not what you think.
20:22I just wanted to talk to her about you.
20:25Me?
20:26What did you tell her about me?
20:27I didn't tell her anything about you.
20:29I was...
20:29I just...
20:30I just told her a few home truths, that's all.
20:33I just...
20:35I just said, you know, if she thought anything of you...
20:38She ought to leave you alone.
20:43Thanks, Del.
20:45Where would I be without you, eh?
20:47Happy, maybe.
20:48Come here, Rodney.
20:49Now, Rodney, just a minute.
20:51Look, I did it for you.
20:52I mean, what do you want to do, end up dead?
20:54No, but it's nice to have a choice, isn't it?
20:56One of these days, Del.
20:58Just one of these days!
20:59Rodney, come...
21:00Rodney, I did it for you!
21:20That's the thanks I get.
21:21Oh, yes!
21:28It was made for you, Ahmed, my son.
21:31It's too big, man.
21:32No, no.
21:33No, it isn't.
21:34No, that...
21:35Oh, that's...
21:38Yours isn't too big.
21:42Ah, but this is small on me.
21:44Anyway, I reserved the best one for you, Ahmed, my son.
21:47Oh, come on, a 25-nicker.
21:49You can't go wrong, can you, eh?
21:50All right, man, I'll take it.
21:52That's it.
21:52You know it makes sense.
21:54Now, do you want to pay now, or do you want it on the old...
21:56I'll pay you two pound a week, Del.
21:58All right, I'll see you next week.
22:00All right.
22:00You won't catch cold in there.
22:09Oi!
22:11Oi!
22:11Get out!
22:12What's your game?
22:13Take it easy, man!
22:15You might hurt yourself.
22:17Oi.
22:17There's someone here who's been dying to meet you.
22:20Oh, yeah?
22:20Yeah, who's that, then?
22:22Me.
22:23McKay's the name.
22:25Tommy McKay.
22:27Ring a bell, does it?
22:30Yeah, I think I've heard of it before.
22:33You bet your life you've heard it before, sunshine.
22:37You've been seen out with my wife, trotter.
22:40Guilty or not guilty?
22:41Oh, yeah, I was only just having a friendly drink.
22:44But I'm not a friendly geezer.
22:46And that kind of thing makes me very angry.
22:50I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son.
22:55Listen, listen.
22:56No, let's not be hasty, eh?
22:58Rodney?
23:00Did you say Rodney?
23:02Yeah, that's right.
23:03Rodney Trotter, that's you, innit?
23:05Yeah, yeah, I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah.
23:16Good.
23:17Okay, Leroy, give him some here.
23:19Oh, look what you made me do.
23:38That was a brand new coat, that was.
23:40Oh, look what you made me do.
24:10Oh, look what you made me do.
24:40Brothers, guess what I've done for you, brothers.
24:49Well, if it's another example of your so-called brotherly love, you just forget it, right?
24:54As far as I'm concerned, Dill, you're no longer my...
24:56What the bloody hell's happened to you?
25:00That's all right, that's all right.
25:02No, I just, you know, I just walked into a door.
25:05You did all that?
25:08Yeah, well, it was a revolving door.
25:13Listen, listen to this.
25:15I had a bit of luck tonight.
25:18I bumped into Tommy McKay.
25:20That was lucky, wasn't it, eh?
25:23Did he do that, Dill?
25:24No, no, no, no, he didn't do it.
25:25No, no, no.
25:26No, no, it's just, you know, I had one too many, like, you know, and I fell down the stairs at Monkey Harris's house.
25:31He lives in a bungalow.
25:33Yeah, well, he's moved now, hasn't he, eh?
25:35He's moved.
25:35Just shut up and listen, will you?
25:37Well, I had a chat with Tommy McKay tonight, you see, and, um, I managed to do what all the psychiatrists and social workers have failed to do.
25:46I've rehabilitated him.
25:49He's seen the error of his ways.
25:51You know, I'll give you no more problems.
25:53I've left the path clear for you and Irene.
25:57No, you're not Irene.
25:57Yeah.
25:58Oh, that's all over, Dill.
26:05What?
26:07Well, we both had a long chat about it and we decided it was never going to work.
26:13Yes, it will.
26:14It will work.
26:16I've got a box of black magic in the back of the van.
26:19I've only had one out of it.
26:21Go on, just go on.
26:22Whip it round to her now.
26:23Go on.
26:23No, it's no good, Dill.
26:25I mean, it was just circumstances that threw us together, weren't it?
26:28She was lonely in a strange part of town and, well, I was just looking for a mother figure, I suppose.
26:35Anyway, you was right, Dill.
26:37No, no, no, no, I wasn't.
26:39I wasn't.
26:40I don't mean about me and Irene.
26:42What do you mean then?
26:43Well, this afternoon, I went down the roller disco and I met this bird, Zoe.
26:49Zoe?
26:49She's 18, she is.
26:52With a body that makes Bo Derek look a suit for plastic surgery.
26:58Now, Irene was just infatuation, but this is love.
27:02Oi, here she is now.
27:03All right, babe?
27:07This is Zoe.
27:08This is my brother.
27:09He fell down some stairs.
27:11Nice to meet you.
27:12Yeah.
27:15We going then?
27:17Yeah, yeah, right.
27:18I'll see you later on, Dill.
27:19All right.
27:19Oi, you can finish that if you want it.
27:21Yeah.
27:22See you, Rodders.
27:23See you, Zoe.
27:25Oi, Dill.
27:25I don't know if that head looked at if I were sure.
27:29It's the truest bloody words you spoke for ages, wasn't it?
27:40What happened to you?
27:42Me?
27:42No, no, nothing happened to me.
27:45Rodney got a bloody good eye, didn't know.