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00:00I love this one, Marble Arch at Dawn by Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half.
00:28Aww. What's this bit? Did you paint something out?
00:32Yeah, the Eiffel Tower.
00:34The Eiffel Tower behind a Marble Arch? Is that meant to signify something?
00:38Yeah. It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe.
00:42But no one could spell the Arc de Triomphe, so I thought,
00:45I'll stick a double-decker bus going past and say it's Marble Arch.
00:49And it worked. In fact, my art teacher said in my school report
00:52he thought it was a masterpiece.
00:54So, how does it feel to be in the company of a genius?
00:57If I ever find out, I'll drop you a line.
01:00Are you going to pour that or paint it?
01:07Rodney, I know I'm going to make myself look very stupid,
01:11but does this fake bean label mean anything?
01:15Yes, it does.
01:17It means Dale's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again.
01:21What competition?
01:22Oh, it's his latest line, innit?
01:24He's going in for any competition he can get his hands on.
01:27We've had spot the ball, spot the mistake, spot the dog, everything.
01:31Oh, look at this lot.
01:34Spaghetti hoop labels, crisp packets, Malteser rackers.
01:39I didn't think Dale was the type to go in for competitions.
01:41Oh, yeah.
01:42At the moment, he's on the verge of winning a brand-new full tiara,
01:46a free manicure for a year and a night out with Maria Whittaker.
01:50Where is Dale?
01:51Ah, both he and Albert have got dates this evening.
01:55They'll see in some bird called Pachula.
01:57He chatted her up at a boot sale.
01:59Who's Albert going out with?
02:01Oh, some old dear called Elsie Partridge.
02:03He met her at Bingo.
02:04She's a widow, I think.
02:06She's got 11 children.
02:0811 kids?
02:09Yeah.
02:10Then her husband got fed up and died.
02:18You like smoked salmon?
02:20I love it.
02:23Good, because you smoke salmon sandwiches.
02:33Do you want vinegar?
02:44Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney?
02:50Did you hear something then?
02:53Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts?
02:58I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge.
03:00I have, she'll be here in a minute.
03:02Well done, I thought you was taking her out.
03:04I thought you were taking the girl's worst name out.
03:06How are you, love?
03:07Alright?
03:08Yes, I am.
03:09I'm spoiling my evening for you, Rodney.
03:10It's all arranged.
03:11I've got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge.
03:15Sorry about this.
03:16It's okay.
03:17It's the way it goes.
03:18Oi, I know.
03:19I could drop Albert a few quid.
03:20Then maybe after dinner he'll take Elsie Partridge down to Bingo, eh?
03:21Then we could be alone.
03:23Then we could be alone.
03:25It's okay. It's the way it goes.
03:27Oi, I know. I could drop Albert a few quid.
03:31Then maybe after dinner he'll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo, eh?
03:34Then we could be alone.
03:48Oh, look at the state he's left this place in.
03:52Wait till I get my hands on that little plunker.
03:55What are you two doing?
03:59It's as though you're sitting there waiting for your case to come up.
04:01We've been sitting here discussing art, that's all.
04:05Isn't it funny that every time he discusses art with someone, their buttons come undone?
04:12Here. Right, Rodney. Here's the keys to the van. You can take Cassandra out now.
04:17We're not going out.
04:19We could go out for a while.
04:21No, that's all right, Cassandra. We're staying put.
04:23Rodney, can I have a board meeting?
04:26Look, Petulia is coming round.
04:33Well, Cassandra is already here. We're having a cultural evening.
04:36Yes, I know, but Petulia is bringing all her gear.
04:39Eric, I don't care if she is bringing her gear. We are staying put.
04:47But look, I'm giving her a yuppie salad, don't I?
04:50I went out first thing this morning and I bought her smoked salmon and everything.
04:53I don't care what she's bought.
04:54Look, how's she going, aren't you?
04:58Good boy. You know it makes sense.
05:01Where's my bottle of wine?
05:03Oh, blimey, Captain Bird's eyes here.
05:06I thought you were supposed to be going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe.
05:11I am.
05:11She'll be at the dinner in a minute.
05:13Dinner? She's not coming round to eat the dinner, is she?
05:15Oh, well, that's handsome, that, isn't it?
05:18You might as well stay here, Rodney. We'll have a party.
05:19A trip, eh?
05:24Sorry, I didn't realise.
05:27He's been showing you his etchings, has he?
05:29Yeah, I think he's good.
05:31Yeah, he's all right, both.
05:33So I like a bit more realism in my heart.
05:36That's always let you down, Rodney, you see?
05:38What are you talking about?
05:40That's realistic, isn't it?
05:42Yeah, and it's full.
05:43Look, I said I'm sorry.
05:45Yeah, but I mean, look at all the other stuff here.
05:47I mean, take a look at this one, for example.
05:52Marble Arch at Dawn.
05:53What a cock-up that turned out to be.
05:55Rodney's art teacher liked it.
05:56He said he thought it was a masterpiece.
05:58No, he didn't.
05:59He said he thought it was a mantelpiece.
06:06It's all right for you to laugh.
06:08He nicked my bottle of wine.
06:09Oh, stop, mate, about your bottle of wine, you old git.
06:12Anyway, I thought he didn't mean to laugh in shit.
06:15Look, he's in love.
06:15You know, we've got to learn...
06:18We've got to learn to be a bit more understanding on it, you see?
06:22Yeah, I suppose you're all right.
06:24It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway.
06:26Well, that's it, exactly, innit, mate?
06:29Yeah, innit?
06:30Yeah, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away and all, innit?
06:35Get my hands on you.
06:36Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra.
06:38You just embarrass a boy.
06:40All right.
06:41Perhaps you're right.
06:41I'll wait till she's gone.
06:42Then I'll kick him up the jack seat.
06:44What do you want to ask me this morning?
06:46No, just a couple of bills.
06:47Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours.
06:50You won't call them dopey when I win, will you, eh?
06:53How can you win?
06:54You don't post your entry to a couple of days before the closing date.
06:58No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile.
07:01You know, you've got to think about these things, haven't you?
07:03There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes.
07:08Oh, yeah.
07:09You can't win a raffle, you know, if you don't buy a ticket.
07:12Hey, listen.
07:13I'm expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning.
07:15He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malay at the end of next month.
07:19Tell him I'm not interested.
07:21Bitch, you are.
07:21I know that, but don't let him know that.
07:23Otherwise, he'd expect a fair price, wouldn't he, eh?
07:26I'll get it.
07:31What's that?
07:32Another competition?
07:33Yeah, don't worry.
07:34I'll win this one.
07:34What have you got to do?
07:35I don't know yet.
07:37Oi.
07:37Yeah?
07:39It's Albert's old bird.
07:40Yeah.
07:41Uncle, your date is here.
07:44No.
07:44It's an old dragon.
07:45It's a good one.
07:47Here we go.
07:52You saucy git.
07:53That's Petulia.
07:55Right, there you go, love.
08:22Thanks.
08:22Thanks.
08:22Oh, I'm sorry, Cass.
08:30I've lost my appetite a bit.
08:32Why?
08:32What's wrong?
08:33Nothing.
08:34I'm just sitting here thinking about us.
08:36And it's put you off your food.
08:39Thanks, Ropney.
08:40No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
08:44Cass, we're pretty close, wouldn't you say?
08:48Sorry.
08:51I didn't mean it like that.
08:53I mean, you know, we get on really well.
08:56We have our moments.
08:57Yeah.
08:58With them moments, it's worrying me.
09:02See, I've got a bit of a dilemma.
09:05I think maybe I ought to discuss it.
09:07Fire away.
09:08Well, look, we're both responsible, mature adults, right?
09:14Yeah.
09:18Oh, well, that's it.
09:19Forget it.
09:20Ain't it fair, eh?
09:25Young fellow like Rodney stops all to have dinner with a bird and leaves a carrot to an old
09:30chap like me.
09:31They've got no respect these days.
09:33They've got no respect these days.
09:35You fought in the war, didn't you?
09:37I fought in the war, didn't I?
09:38I can't tell you, kids like Rodney could have freedom.
09:42What do they do with their freedom?
09:44Anything they bloody like.
09:45Anything they bloody like.
09:48Oi, unpack that box and put some of them shirts in the suitcase, brilliant.
09:51Oi, is that for me?
09:52No, it's addressed to Rodney.
09:53Oh, well, same thing.
09:55Let's see what he's been getting through the post.
09:59Now then, dear Rodney Trotter, thank you for your contributions, blah, blah.
10:02We are pleased to tell you that you...
10:05Well, stone me.
10:06What's wrong?
10:07Wait, do you remember that competition I sent off for?
10:09You sent off hundreds of them?
10:11No, the mega cornflakes competition.
10:13Yeah, what about it?
10:14Well, what they want you to do, you have to draw a paint a world-famous landmark, right?
10:18Well, world-famous landmarks are not my speciality.
10:21I'm more a portrait man myself.
10:23So, just for a laugh, I sent off the old marble arch at dawn in Rodney's name.
10:27And guess what?
10:29He's only won.
10:31Oh, funny, my leg.
10:32No, no, look.
10:33Straight up.
10:34I haven't put you sit there, though.
10:35They've given away ten top prizes of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean, and Rodney's
10:40got for one.
10:41I always said that was a good painting, didn't I?
10:43I mean, it's the realism.
10:44Always been Rodney's strength, there.
10:46Oh, well, peace for the boy.
10:48He's never won anything in his life.
10:50No, only a couple of them ugly bird contests when he was younger.
10:53But that's...
10:53Well, they're sending him there.
10:55Look, that's it.
10:55Mallorca.
10:56A luxury suite in a five-star hotel, a la carte menu, and a week's spending money for
11:03the winners and their guests.
11:05Their guests?
11:06Their guests, of course.
11:07It's always a holiday for two, isn't it, eh?
11:10Yes, I could do with a break.
11:11Oh, yes.
11:12That sometimes set me up a treat.
11:14That's strange.
11:16What is?
11:16Have you read page two?
11:19Well, no, not yet.
11:21Well, I think you better.
11:24Oh, no.
11:26I don't believe these wallies.
11:29You know me, son.
11:30I never interfere.
11:32But I think it's only right to tell the boy.
11:34Yes, what we have here, Uncle, is a case of a je ne sais quoi, pourquoi.
11:40What's that mean?
11:42Well, roughly translated, it means he who sticks his nose into a beehive will get
11:46more than a nostril full of honey.
11:49Do I make myself clear?
11:50I'm saying nothing, son.
11:53Cush, dear.
11:55Well, I suppose I'd better be getting off.
11:58What are you and Del up to today, then?
11:59Well, he's picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris, and I'm down the
12:03market selling kiddies dolls.
12:06I won't always be doing this.
12:08Doing what?
12:09Well, selling crap down markets.
12:12I'll get my diploma in computer science soon, then things will change.
12:15You don't have to prove anything to me, you know, Rodney.
12:18Well, you've got a good job in a bank, in tune.
12:21Your dad's a successful businessman, and me, well, I'm an apprentice fly picture.
12:26I mean, let's be fair, Cass.
12:28A girl like you, she could marry some really rich, good-looking bloke.
12:31If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man, and he asked me to marry him, do you know
12:36what I'd say?
12:37What?
12:38I'd say, ciao, Rodney, and you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows on his Porsche.
12:43But until that time, I'm happy to drag along with you.
12:46So you're not just saying that?
12:54No, honestly.
12:55Oh, and here's me fretting, eh?
13:01I've been going out with you longer than I went out with any of my other boyfriends.
13:05And do you know why?
13:06So they all packed you in?
13:08Right.
13:09And because I love you.
13:14Oh.
13:16Well, I love you too, Cass.
13:19What, a load of old cobblers?
13:22Makes you want to throw up.
13:26Why do you always come to this pub?
13:29The atmosphere, I suppose.
13:32Rodders!
13:33Yeah, I'm on my way now, Dale.
13:35Michael, I bought you your best champagne, please.
13:37Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
13:39Rodley, Rodley, have I got news for you, bruv?
13:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
13:43You, Rodley Tropper, have only won a competition.
13:48All right, what, is it a wind-up?
13:50No.
13:50No, this is God's honest.
13:52What, there it is in black and white.
13:53What can't speak, can't lie.
13:54Look at it.
13:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
13:58I don't believe this is happening to me.
14:02Bloody hell!
14:04Oh, sorry.
14:05It's okay.
14:07Where's the other page?
14:08Huh?
14:09Well, it says, please turn to page two.
14:11Oh, yes, that's all right. No, I left that in a flat.
14:13It's not a mistake?
14:14No, no, it's all pucker and above board. I just phoned them up.
14:17They're expecting to see you in Malauka.
14:19They want to take publicity photographs and everything.
14:21You're going to be on the back of millions of cornflake packets.
14:23Am I?
14:25Yeah, you and the nine other winners, yeah.
14:26Yeah.
14:28A Mediterranean holiday, eh?
14:30I've never won anything before in my life, have I?
14:32No, apart from them ugly bird comp.
14:34No, he's never won anything last time.
14:35You clever old thing.
14:38Hmm?
14:38I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition.
14:41Oh, no, it was...
14:42Del, I never went in for this competition.
14:48No, no, I did it for you.
14:50That was a painting competition, you see,
14:52so I sent off the old marble large at dawn
14:54and it's come up trumps, look at it.
14:56And what did the other page say?
14:57Oh, it's nothing. It's all about sightseeing and excursions
15:00and all that sort of thing.
15:01Here, listen, I'll get the champers, all right?
15:02Hey, come on, Michael, where is he?
15:04Come on.
15:05Oh, a holiday in Malauka, eh?
15:07Mm.
15:09Will you miss me?
15:10I'm going to miss you.
15:13But I expect I'll find something
15:14to replace the excitement of your presence.
15:16You know, knitting, something like that.
15:18Now, listen, can you get a week off work?
15:20Yeah, I'm owed some holidays.
15:21Right, what about your parents?
15:22I thought it was only a holiday for two.
15:25You know what I mean.
15:27How are they going to feel about you coming on holiday with me?
15:29Rodney, my parents like you.
15:31They trust you.
15:33Do they?
15:36I'm not sure I like that.
15:38Here we go.
15:39Yeah, there we go.
15:40I'll tell you what, Rodney, we'll be having champagne for breakfast every morning
15:43when we get to Malauka.
15:44And it'll all be for larking.
15:47There you go, Rodney.
15:48I'll tell you what, I just can't wait to get there.
15:51Um, well, the thing is...
15:53Yeah, come on, drink up, drink up.
15:54Here, come on, cheers, celebrate.
15:56Cheers.
15:57It's just that, you know, this holiday is for two, and I was thinking...
16:01No, no, no.
16:02It's not for two, bruv.
16:03It's for free.
16:04For nothing, no.
16:06No, for free.
16:06For free?
16:07For free?
16:08Yeah.
16:08Are you sure?
16:09Of course I'm sure.
16:10I read it.
16:11It was in that second page that I threw...
16:13I left in the flag.
16:15Free's a funny number, isn't it?
16:17Oh, yeah, free's very funny.
16:18It always has me in stitches as free.
16:19Free.
16:21What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, aren't they?
16:25I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you?
16:27You know, Bob Full House and Price is Right and all that game.
16:30A holiday for two.
16:32So why's this one for free?
16:33Well, I don't know.
16:34You get on a blower to the Cornflakes people and I'll see them.
16:36Maybe it's because it's Megaflakes.
16:38You know, they do everything bigger.
16:39There you are, see?
16:40She's cracked it.
16:42I'll tell you what this means, Rodney.
16:43What?
16:44It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh?
16:48Yeah, I thought of that.
16:49Thank you, love to.
16:51Yeah.
16:51Well, is that, eh?
16:52Just, what, three weeks to the off?
16:54Just enough time for us to get some new clothes.
16:56You get your bikini line sorted out.
17:00And then we're off, eh?
17:02Lovely jubbly.
17:04Yeah, great.
17:06Three people?
17:08Yes, three, Rodney.
17:09Just three, three.
17:10Just don't keep going on about it, all right?
17:13Excuse me.
17:14Oh, right.
17:14Look, see you later, okay?
17:17Take care.
17:17I'm just going to the ladies.
17:28Sorry, I thought you was going.
17:35You wally.
17:37Shut up.
17:41Look, I'm glad she's gone.
17:43I want us to have a little chat with you.
17:45You know, I've got a bit of a problem.
17:46Worse, it's more of a worry.
17:50What, is it about the holiday?
17:51Well, yeah, sort of.
17:53Holidays heightened my concern, you know.
17:55Made the problem a little more urgent sort of thing.
17:57Yeah.
17:58What is it then, Ruddard?
18:00What?
18:00It's...
18:00What, Ford Escorts?
18:25Oh, I see, bruv.
18:27Hmm.
18:27You don't have to worry.
18:30They're not really that size in real life.
18:36I know that.
18:38God, but I know they're not that...
18:41I don't know.
18:44What I mean is, me and Cassie are getting closer all the time, yeah, my mom.
18:49Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet.
18:51Hmm?
18:52I thought you was on the firm with it.
18:54No, no, no, it's nothing like that.
18:56But, yeah, well, you know, let's face it, with the best of intentions, these things can get beyond our control.
19:01Yeah.
19:03It's way beyond mine, bruv.
19:06So I feel that in this day and age, and what's happening in the world, it is every responsible adult's duty to, well...
19:15Go equipped?
19:16Well, yeah, if you like.
19:18Yeah, well, no.
19:19That's very wise and mature of you, Rudders.
19:21Satis, no, it really is.
19:22So what's the problem?
19:23Well, I keep going to buy them.
19:29Yeah, go on.
19:30Well, there's a sort of stigma attached to them.
19:37No, that's just a piece of silver foil you took out of the way.
19:40I don't know why I ever involved you in this.
19:51I mean, well, in this day of AIDS and all the warnings in the telly and in the press and all that, people are still embarrassed to go and buy them.
19:59You know what I mean?
20:00Me, I seem to think it's only seedy little blokes doing it.
20:03Yeah.
20:04Well, you get them for me.
20:11Get on your bike.
20:12You get them yourself.
20:14Oh, my, come on.
20:15Because I keep going to get them, right?
20:17And every time I go into the shop, it's either a lady serving me or me bottle goes.
20:22I mean, look at this.
20:23This morning, I bought four combs, a tub of it, and a film for a Kogak and Scamante.
20:29Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days, don't you?
20:31You can get them in a butcher's, a bike shop.
20:35In Patel's Multimark, they got them by the phone card counter.
20:39And you had a thieving man that had a machine in here that you could get them in once.
20:42You know, except they got jammed with a drack mark.
20:45Does, uh, Cassandra know about this?
20:47Have you discussed it with her?
20:48Well, of course I have.
20:50Do you think I...
20:51Of course she's coming.
20:51Sure.
20:55All right.
20:56Want some more champagne?
20:57No, I've got to get back to work in a minute.
20:58I'll stick with the fruit juice.
20:59Oh, all right.
21:00All right.
21:00I'll get you some.
21:01I'll get you one.
21:01Cass, what I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship...
21:10What about it?
21:11Well, when one is in a situation like ours, one...
21:17Or in our case, two.
21:18Or in our case, two, should be careful.
21:23Careful of what?
21:25That we don't become free.
21:27Oh, I see what you mean.
21:31Yeah, I do hope you don't think I'm being presuming or anything.
21:35I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together and, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and, well, sharing the same hotel suite,
21:44our relationship could, well, who knows, ascend to a more physical plane.
21:51Yes, I suppose so.
21:53Yes, I suppose so.
21:56Yeah?
22:00Well, who knows what might happen.
22:04You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you?
22:06What, no.
22:07Of course I haven't.
22:08No, what do you think I am?
22:10Good.
22:12Oi, Rudders, you're in luck.
22:13Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gen.
22:18I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:19I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:20I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:21I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:22I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:23I'll get you some change, Rudney.
22:42Right, well, where are they then?
22:44For the courier said, mate, at the desk.
22:46Oh, there it is.
22:47Oh.
22:48Right.
22:49For the sangria, Jose, we have a ride.
22:52Hang on, hang on.
22:54Listen, just before you go and check in,
22:57this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
23:03Well, he did win, didn't he?
23:04Oh, yes, yes, yes.
23:05Oh, yeah.
23:06Well, it's all puckering above board and all that.
23:08I mean, you know, you've got all the tickets and everything, yeah.
23:11So what's the problem?
23:12That's strange, you know.
23:14What?
23:15Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register.
23:18Look, they're all mums and dads.
23:21They've all brought their kids with them.
23:23What's strange about that?
23:24Look, except for me, right?
23:27All the winners are parents.
23:29No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rudney.
23:32It's the kids.
23:33What do you mean?
23:36Well, Rodney's painting won first prize in an under-15-year-old category.
23:45Say again.
23:46So they think Rodney's 15.
23:51Is that right?
23:52No.
23:54They think you're 14.
23:5714?
23:58I think I'm 14.
23:59Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
24:04Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the hell of us.
24:08Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith.
24:11I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories, but it was you, not me.
24:14You were the one that wrote on it, Rodney Trotter, age 14 and a half.
24:17So the organisers must have put you in the kids category.
24:21So it was your fault that you wrote on it.
24:23How was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it for a Cornflakes competition?
24:29Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd win?
24:32What?
24:33Anyway, it doesn't matter.
24:34Now, come on, come on.
24:35You're going to waltz through here.
24:36Waltz through?
24:37How the hell am I going to pass for both?
24:41Will you stop doing that for some?
24:44Act your age.
24:48This is your fault.
24:49I'm going to break your bloody neck.
24:51Just look over there.
24:53Look, some of those lads, look, they're over six foot tall.
24:5715 and 16-year-olds, they look much older these days than they used to.
25:01And you've got the added advantage of your boyish good looks.
25:04That's why there was free tickets, isn't it?
25:06One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the sport.
25:09You can't expect 13 and 14-year-olds to go abroad on their own, can you?
25:14And what exactly is your role in all this?
25:17Well, when the Cornflakes people phoned up,
25:21they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents.
25:23So I said, and I don't know why I did it,
25:28I must have been flustered at the time.
25:31I said that I was your dad.
25:34My dad?
25:36Did you hear that, Cassandra?
25:38Yeah.
25:38And who the hell am I supposed to be as much?
25:43Well, please tell me this is a bad dream.
25:46You don't pretend, Cassandra.
25:47You're only pretending, aren't you?
25:49I mean, you haven't got to check behind his ears
25:50or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have you?
25:52I think we should go and tell them the truth.
25:54Just a minute, Dopey, just a minute.
25:56We're here now, aren't we?
25:58If we all keep stomp, we can have a lovely free holiday.
26:01But if they find out we're lying, they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
26:05And if they find out, we're telling the truth,
26:07they'll chuck us out of the hotel.
26:08Now, return flights, not for another week,
26:10so what are we going to do?
26:11They'll probably stick us in one of those Spanish halfway homes.
26:13Well, at some point, they're going to realise I'm not full team.
26:18But we'll be back in the hotel by then, won't we?
26:20There'd been nobody there to ask questions.
26:23Come on, we're on holiday, eh?
26:25Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it's an experience.
26:28Good girl.
26:29Good girl, that's right.
26:30You know it makes sense, don't you?
26:33That's it.
26:33Now, come on, then.
26:34Come on.
26:35Let's get over there and check in.
26:36Come on.
26:37Don't forget you.
26:37You act a bit mumsy, all right?
26:40What do you mean, mumsy?
26:41I don't know.
26:42You know, just a bit mumsy.
26:43We're leaving in about five minutes, OK?
26:49It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel,
26:50so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch, all right?
26:53It's the Trotter family.
26:54Oh, Mr Trotter, good.
26:55We've been waiting for you.
26:56Oh, hello there.
26:57Alan Perkins, pleased to meet you both.
26:59Right, here are your rosettes.
27:00Oh, what about Mrs Trotter?
27:02Mr Trotter.
27:04OK?
27:04And this one's for young Rod.
27:10He's a big lad, isn't he?
27:11Yeah, she's like mother, was a very tall woman.
27:14For three.
27:16Really?
27:16Oh, yeah.
27:17That's true, Rodney.
27:18Oh, well, here's your badge, Rodney.
27:20You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang.
27:26What?
27:27The Groovy Gang?
27:28It's just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it.
27:32Every time one of the organisers says,
27:33are you having fun,
27:35all you kids shout,
27:36Groovy!
27:40Well, don't worry.
27:41Don't worry.
27:42You'll soon get the hang of it.
27:44Groovy.
27:45It's fine.
27:46Well, we'll be off in a moment.
27:48Yeah.
27:49I don't believe this is happening to me.
27:53It's all right, Bobby.
27:54It's all right.
27:55We'll be on the coach in a minute.
27:56We'll be at the hotel in half an hour.
27:57And then you're free to do what you want.
28:00Nice and easy, bruv.
28:01Nice and easy, eh?
28:02OK.
28:03All the members of the Groovy Gang over here.
28:07Oh, my gosh.
28:08We're all going to the hotel on the fun bus.
28:12Not with all the old fogies.
28:14Oh, fogies.
28:15It's so exciting.
28:17You're enjoying this, aren't you?
28:19No, no, no.
28:20I'm just playing along.
28:20I'm just playing along with this.
28:22Mums and dads, if you'd like to follow me,
28:24the coach is just outside.
28:25We've laid on a little welcoming reception back at the hotel.
28:28I'm sure that none of you would object to a glass or three of sangria.
28:32Oh, that's lovely, Alan.
28:35Come on, then, Rodney.
28:36Go on.
28:36Off you go.
28:37Oh, there you go.
28:38You're going with the Groovy Gang.
28:40Oh, you're going with the so-king Groovy Gang.
28:42Come on, Rodney.
28:43Don't let us down now.
28:44Come on.
28:45They're looking over here.
28:46Yeah, yeah.
28:47I'm still waiting for a Rodney Trotter.
28:51It's over here, sweetheart.
28:53No, don't, Rodney.
28:54No, don't be.
28:57Hurry up, Rodney.
28:58I'm not going.
29:00Uh, is he not a good mixer?
29:02Oh, good mixer.
29:03Him.
29:03He's like a Cambridge chef when he gets going.
29:06Come on, Rodney.
29:07Don't be shy.
29:08You'll soon make friends.
29:10We're all going for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries.
29:14Oh, that's his favourite.
29:16Don't get any ketchup down your shirt.
29:19That's two for Santa.
29:22We'll see you back at the hotel then, Rodney.
29:25It's all right?
29:26Right now, come on then.
29:27Come on, darling.
29:28Don't push your luck, Derek.
29:30Thank you, Adam.
29:42Do you like frost?
29:45No.
29:47All together.
29:48Are you having fun?
29:49Go away!
29:50Yay!
29:51That's better.
29:52Let's go.
29:52Here we go.
29:54Here we go.
29:55Here we go.
29:56Here we go.
29:58Here we go.
29:59Here we go.
30:00Here we go.
30:02Here we go.
30:03Here we go.
30:04Here we go.
30:06all right it's really nice here I've just been down reception I bought some Spanish
30:29state lottery tickets I filled them in for you and everything I bought some for you look there's
30:34some for Rodney there look and there's some for me all right I'll put yours down here there you go
30:38you never know never know our luck because we're on a winning roll don't we tell that to poor Rodney
30:43oh look don't keep going on about it you're going to spoil the holiday you are we should have a look
30:48around what's here ah that's very nice that must be Rodney's room it's got a picture of Prince on
30:54the wall if that's Rodney's room where am I supposed to sleep well I thought that you and Rodney no maybe
31:03not I'll sleep in there you and Rodney can have the honeymoon bed all right all right anything you
31:09say sweetheart anything you say I just thought it might be a bit strange when the old maid come in
31:13you know see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king's eyes it would look even stranger if she
31:18found Rodney sleeping with his stepmother I never thought of that I better go and cancel breakfast
31:25in bed listen you want me to take that picture of Prince down off the wall there just leave it
31:30Derek you've done enough for Rodney and I as it is look I thought the cornflakes people would leave
31:36us alone to enjoy our holiday I didn't know they were going to conscript Rodney into the groovy gang
31:41I mean why do they want to do that mr. Perkins explained it to us it's so the youngsters won't
31:46get bored and the parents can have a rest I won't see a more week will I yes of course you will
31:51he's bound to get a spot to leave oh look there he is there they all go now hey Rodney don't go mad
32:00they just went down over that hill there that was quick yeah yeah they were on skateboards
32:08Rodney was the leader he was right out in front leader of the pack oh my god
32:15hello may I come in yes come in oh hello mrs. Trotter
32:20good afternoon Carmen is uh Rodney here no he's not here at the moment oh he's still out enjoying
32:29himself yes well it's just to let him know about the junior disco on Wednesday night but I'll come
32:36back later and see you then bye for now see it bye bye yeah did you hear that yeah it's all right
32:43what he likes a little dance it's a junior disco well I always say he's ill oh what more lies no
32:49that'll be the truth when we tell him he's bound to be at top and dick listen uh I'm gonna have a
32:55wash let me go downstairs see if we can get something to eat all right what about Rodney oh that's all
33:00right well pick him up down there somewhere yeah just look for the nearest sandpit
33:05yeah very funny yeah
33:10what have you been doing
33:24I've been skateboarding oh I see I still he's having a wash
33:35yes I'm back could you come out please I'd like a word with you
33:49no could you come out now
33:53well it's quite urgent Dale
33:59sorry about the bad language Cassandra what bad language get it in there you dipstick I'm gonna kill you
34:09I'll tell you what's up with me thanks to you I am now a 26 year old man who just come second in a skateboard darbo
34:20second you were in the league when I saw you
34:24I fell off
34:29I told you not to go mad
34:32I also have a 13 year old bros fan called Trudy who's got the hots for me
34:38and tomorrow I start the first of free cycling proficiency lessons and I'm gonna kill you
34:44get it
34:48I'm not coming out until you simmer down a bit I'll tell you that
34:52well I'll wait
34:54I don't care if it takes a bloody week I'm gonna get you Derek Trotter
34:58I'm gonna get you
35:00have you seen the view
35:07no
35:11would you like a drink
35:24strychnine please
35:27ice and lemon
35:29that's where I'll come off
35:37poxy lizard
35:40shall I clean it up for you
35:41no
35:42well it could turn septic
35:44good
35:46is that Trudy waving at you
35:53yeah
35:56you calm down yet
36:10get
36:11fey nights
36:16right
36:17fey nights
36:18no
36:21Rodney
36:22no
36:23do you think if I knew this was gonna happen that I'd allow us to come over here
36:27no
36:28of course you would
36:29you don't give a toss about anybody else as long as you're having a good time
36:33oh that hurts Rodney
36:36no that hurts
36:37it's like a
36:38it's like a knife going right through my heart that
36:41I may be many things but I'm not selfish
36:43cheers darling
36:44thank you
36:46anyway
36:47they probably fixed up all the entertainments the daylight to make you feel at home
36:51you know most probably rest of the week is your own
36:53oh my
36:54I was given the full itinerary
36:57tomorrow
36:59after my cycling lesson we're all off to the splash and slide
37:02then Wednesday in the morning we're going go-karting
37:06then in the afternoon we have a ping-pong championship
37:11then on Thursday me and the rest of the groovy gang are out all day painting Parma Cathedral
37:16what in Matt or Vinyl
37:19you're enjoying every bloody minute of this
37:23no I'm not
37:24I'm not
37:25I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere
37:27honestly if you keep up this mood you're gonna ruin this holiday for us
37:30listen to me
37:31the arguing is not going to help
37:34that's you in it
37:36I bet you told him about the junior disco didn't ya
37:38junior disco
37:40I didn't say a word
37:42I ain't going to a junior disco
37:43it's all right Roddy it's all right you don't have to
37:45me and your step-mum have sorted it all out
37:47we're gonna say you got the gutsache
37:49oh no that's how I'm ill
37:51why not
37:52I got a great fat nurse to look after us
37:54oh Phil
37:55you like a bit of uniform though don't you
37:57yeah but you wanna see her
37:59she'd have to go on a diet to get into the roly polies
38:02god what a choice eh
38:08and either have all day with Trudy in the ear all going on about Matt and Luke
38:12or I have to have me belly rubbed by sister George
38:15tricky one bruv
38:17you are enjoying this isn't you
38:19no I am not
38:21you're deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney aren't you
38:24all right I won't say another word
38:26right that's it
38:27I'm just gonna go out and have a walk round the town all right
38:30I didn't know you like uniforms
38:38no no it's just them mucking about
38:42oh yeah
38:44oh yes
38:45is Rodney back yet?
38:46oh yeah come in come in just a minute
38:48I'll give him a shout
38:50Rodney Rodney the RK lor is here
38:52we just thought we'd take the opportunity to check your passports
39:09yeah what do you want to check our passports for?
39:11it's simply Spanish regulations
39:14immigration laws I'm sure you understand
39:15yes of course
39:16do you know where our passports are dear?
39:18oh yes I'll just get them
39:20mm-hmm
39:21I might take a birth on my passport
39:26don't worry I've doctored it
39:28you've done what?
39:30it was only written in biro
39:32so I altered the last two numbers to make it look as though you were born in 1974
39:36right
39:37here they are
39:38thank you
39:43thank you
39:44thank you
39:48thank you
39:49thank you
40:00well erm everything seems to be in order
40:02sorry to have bothered you
40:03yes well
40:04yes well
40:05oh Rodney
40:06don't forget about the Junior Disco on Wednesday night
40:08we start at 7.30
40:09it's great fun
40:11we have break dancing
40:12and we have spot prizes
40:13smash him
40:15cheerio
40:16thank you very much
40:17thank you now
40:18bye bye
40:23god stone me
40:28listen I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for a while alright?
40:31I'll tell you what I'll do
40:32I'll order some room service for us okay?
40:33what no no no
40:34you don't have to do that
40:35I mean we're alright now aren't we?
40:38see
40:39why don't you
40:40you know
40:41go out for a little while
40:42hmm?
40:43well you know
40:44you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air
40:50oh no
40:52yeah yeah no you're right no actually
40:54I do feel a bit claustrophobic
40:56claustrophobic
40:57yeah
40:58well I'll um
40:59I'll leave you two alone then shall I
41:01yeah
41:02oh Rodney
41:07yeah?
41:08they're in my flight bag
41:13you're in my flight bag
41:14you said he fell down with me
41:26ahahahahahahahah
41:28no listen come on
41:29listen you two better go and see you later
41:31alright?
41:32alright
41:33yeah yeah yeah yeah
41:34off you go
41:42alright?
41:43no
41:44I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together
41:46I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together
41:50Rodders?
41:51what?
41:54that's charming that is isn't it mate?
41:57he's gonna lose brownie points for that one
42:00still
42:01seems to be enjoying himself didn't he?
42:02Rodney's not enjoying himself
42:04last night he cried
42:06why do you think he's carrying on with this pretence?
42:09he certainly ain't doing it for me
42:10cause if me and Rodders had been here on our own
42:12we'd been out in that street
42:13ten minutes after landing
42:15yeah
42:16he's only doing this for you sweetheart
42:18really?
42:19would I lie to you?
42:21he only wants to see you having a good time
42:23he wants to see you enjoying the sunshine
42:25he's only trying to make you happy
42:27so the least you can do is to put on a smile
42:29and show that your sacrifices have not been in vain
42:32I didn't realise
42:33no
42:34well here you are
42:35I didn't want to tell you but you know you forced me out
42:39oh here he is
42:42alright
42:43I'll be back in a minute
42:47having fun?
42:49groovy
42:51you didn't get me a drink then?
42:52what?
42:53well not to worry I'll get mine on
42:54don't get stroppy about it
42:55don't get stroppy
42:56have a large Bacardi and coat please
42:58and an orange cordial with ice and stroppy
43:00go on
43:02I'm going to tell the truth
43:03hmm?
43:04I don't care if they do chuck us out on the street mate
43:05I just don't care
43:06that's alright
43:07go on
43:08go on
43:09you just think of number one eh?
43:10what about that poor mare?
43:11she's having the time of her life on this holiday
43:15are we both talking about Cassandra?
43:17yes we are
43:18she just told me
43:19but last night she told me she hated it
43:21said she'd rather be self catering in Beirut
43:24no she's only doing that for you
43:27because she thinks you've got the hump
43:29because you've had to go in for these ping pong championships
43:31and hamburger eating contests
43:33she's only backing you up
43:35but secretly really she's really enjoying herself
43:38well you go on you go and ask her
43:41I didn't know that
43:42no well I didn't want to tell you
43:43but you know you're forced out of me
43:45oh dear that's alright
43:47okay there you go
43:49now come on
43:50you come and ask her
43:51come on
43:56hey
43:57so
43:58you enjoying yourself?
43:59yeah
44:00I'm having a great time
44:01you?
44:03yeah
44:04cosmic
44:06because we were staying here for a fortnight
44:09you enjoying yourself though?
44:11no
44:12you know not bad I suppose
44:13I really
44:14I really
44:15oh
44:16yeah be with you in a minute sweethearts
44:18I promise to take them two girls to a nightclub
44:21alright
44:22I may be back late
44:24ha ha ha
44:26ha ha ha
44:28Rodney
44:29Rodney
44:30Rodney is the finals of the breakdancing championship
44:33good
44:35what's he watching?
44:36watching
44:37a minute
44:38John
44:39uh
44:40Juan
44:41can I have a pina collard with ice and alka seltzer?
44:51ha ha ha
44:53yeah
44:54where have you been?
44:55sorry dear I've been out all night
44:57you know you said we was on the winning roll
44:59yeah
45:00it wasn't a roll my son it was a bloody avalanche
45:01I'm not with you Rodney
45:02sorry
45:03it's okay
45:04we've won
45:05what are you going on about Rodney?
45:06what the breakdancing contest?
45:08no you know there's Spanish state lottery tickets you bought
45:10yes
45:11well
45:12we won
45:13you're winding me out
45:14no look
45:15come and go and she's paid by the swat the flies with right
45:16and Cassie did Spanish at school
45:17she noticed the result
45:18look
45:19where
45:20ah
45:21where bloody hell
45:22it's a million pesetas Derek
45:23a million
45:24a million
45:25a million
45:26you know what this means don't you Rodney
45:28we're millionaires
45:29what have I said over the years
45:31you've always said it
45:32yes this time next year
45:33we'll be millionaires
45:34no
45:35no
45:36no
45:37no
45:38no
45:51no
45:52hold on
45:53hold on
45:54hold on
45:55ah we're in Spain
45:56am I?
45:57yeah well we're foreigners
45:58so?
45:59foreigners can't pick up Spanish kitties. Then why did the mouse send you the tickets if he knew
46:02you couldn't win? Bill, because he wanted to make more commission, didn't he? Oh, now come on, Dale.
46:07Not even you. Oh, my God, they've got a roll. Yeah. I just know they've got a roll. Yeah. Ah, there you are.
46:13I've been looking for you everywhere. I've just had the marvellous news. Congratulations.
46:17Thanks very much. Thanks a minute. Look, just do us a favour. Just double-check that for us, will you?
46:21Yes, certainly. Um, yep, no doubt this is the winning ticket. If you like, I'll ring the regional
46:26office of the lottery organisers and stake your claim. Yeah, we were just a bit worried we were
46:30worried like because we were foreigners, you see. How do you mean? Well, is there a rule that says
46:33non-nationals aren't allowed to win the lottery? I don't believe so. We sell tickets here in reception
46:37to guests from all over Europe. Well, can you check the rolls for us? Yeah, look, they're on the back
46:40there somewhere. They're all written in Spanish or something. Um, it says here non-citizens of Spain
46:47must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation with their winning ticket
46:51when making a claim. You've just won a million pesetas.
46:56Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What's the matter, Alan? I don't quite know how to break
47:08the news. What? I'm afraid you can't claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter.
47:13No, hold on. We got the winning ticket. Yeah. Check these numbers a hundred times.
47:16Yes, you just double-checked it yourself, haven't you? Yes, the number's correct. It's the winning
47:20ticket, all right. The problem is it's got Rodney's name on it. You see, under Spanish law,
47:25nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble.
47:29Oh, no. But he isn't. He's over 18. Here. I've seen his passport. It states quite clearly
47:36he was born in 1974. No. No. I can prove it. Because I've got my student card on me. It's
47:44got my date of birth on it. Yes, and it's got an official stamp on it. Yeah. Look, listen,
47:49right. Rodney Trotter, born 2nd of November 1974.
47:54$274.
48:01It's only money, bruv. Well, look at the time. Do you remember, I've just got to go up.
48:07No, come here. No. No. No. Come here. Come here. Come here.
48:13No. No.
48:14Look at the time. Do you remember, I've just got to start.
48:17No. Come here. No. No. No. The ticket. No.
48:18No. Oh, no. No. No. familial Vous. No. Come here. No. No. Come here. No. Amen.