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00:00.
00:02.
00:04Bloody hell.
00:10Del!
00:12Why don't you just get a megaphone and finish me off quickly?
00:16Now you know what I felt last night.
00:19I was fast to kip I was when you come in my room and made that horrible noise in my ear.
00:23Yes, sorry.
00:24That could have killed me.
00:27Do you reckon?
00:29Where did you get that trumpet from, anyway?
00:32What trumpet?
00:35I felt my heart go all funny.
00:37In my unconscious state, I thought it was the abandoned ship alarm.
00:40Oh, yeah?
00:41Thought they was playing your tune, did you?
00:43Look, I'm sorry, all right?
00:45Yeah, that's all very well, isn't it?
00:47You could at least say you're sorry.
00:49I'm sorry.
00:51So what was it all about last night, then?
00:53Well, it's just me and Del, we'd had a right blinding week, hadn't we?
00:57I mean, we were selling it before we bought it, so I had a little celebration, right?
01:01Anyway, we went down to Nags Head and, of course, Friday night is disco night, innit?
01:05And I met this bird, Helen.
01:07Oh, she really is something else.
01:09Yeah?
01:10I mean, she's tall, she's slender, a bit older than me, but, you know, I've been brought up to respect me elders.
01:15Was it her trumpet?
01:17Oh, no, no, I don't remember having a bloody trumpet, anyway.
01:22Listen, right, you've got to see this bird, she really is the works.
01:26You know, everyone in the pub was looking at me.
01:28That was as jealous as hell.
01:29Yeah.
01:30Do you know who she looks like?
01:31She looks like that Linda Evans out of dinners thing.
01:34Which one's that, Joan Collins?
01:36How can bloody Linda Evans be Joan Collins?
01:42It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays Crystal Carrington.
01:45Oh, her.
01:46That's a bit tasty, innit, son?
01:48Well, yeah.
01:49She's got the right hearts for yours truly.
01:51I have struck gold, son.
01:53Oh, good luck to you, boy.
01:55Down!
01:56Right, all right, you mouthy old geek.
01:59What do you think, iron mutton or something?
02:01God, blimey.
02:03Here.
02:04Oi, Rodney.
02:05Oh, you were a bit steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, Ray?
02:08Yeah.
02:09Well, I had time to celebrate, didn't I?
02:11Yeah.
02:12What?
02:13You finally got a shot of it, then, did you?
02:17What?
02:18Well, you know, that old dog that was hanging round you last night.
02:23What do you mean, old dog?
02:25Well, she was.
02:26She was a bit scraggy, wasn't she?
02:27I mean, cool, blimey.
02:28She must have been six foot six, hey?
02:30Well...
02:32Yeah, yeah, she was tallish.
02:34Tallish?
02:36Blimey.
02:37Not many birds call you shorty, do they, eh?
02:41He told me she looked like Crystal Carrington.
02:43Crystal Carrington?
02:44Yeah.
02:45Crystal Bleeding Palace, more like, than where I am.
02:48Derek, you do not even know the girl.
02:50Yes, I do.
02:51Of course I do.
02:52Her name was Helen, right?
02:56No.
02:58Oh, yes, it is.
03:00Cos, I know, cos they call her Helen of Croydon.
03:02The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
03:04That's good.
03:08Are you doing a bit of breakfast, Del?
03:10Hmm?
03:11Don't know, leave me out, I've got to go out on business to do.
03:13No, it's alright.
03:14I'll tell you what, I could do with a bit of egg and bacon now.
03:16Yeah?
03:17We'll give Helen a crow in the bell.
03:18Ha!
03:19Ha!
03:24Oi, oi, oi!
03:25Don't waste it!
03:26What's the matter with you?
03:27Stop.
03:28Give us a hit.
03:29That's the way he's treating me, isn't it?
03:31Can't he's giving me all that just cos I woke him up?
03:33So, er, I had a trumpet with me when I come in last night then.
03:40Oh, yeah, that's right.
03:42Belongs to Biffo the Bear.
03:43His group were playing at the Ness last night.
03:45Do you remember?
03:46What did he lend it to me for?
03:47He didn't, did he?
03:49Do you remember?
03:51You were so out of your mind at one point last night,
03:54you went up on the stage, right,
03:55took his trumpet off him,
03:56blew down the wrong end,
03:57gave him the V sign
03:58and walked out with it.
04:00How do you hell?
04:01He's a big bloke and all, isn't he?
04:03And half in a bad mood and all.
04:05Why?
04:06Well, I won't believe this.
04:08Some dozy git nicked his trumpet.
04:12I'll get it back to him today, eh?
04:14I'll buy him a drink or something.
04:15Yeah, well, anyway, you've got the morning off cos, er,
04:17you know, I'm busy.
04:18Where are you going?
04:21Going to church.
04:23Why?
04:26Why not?
04:31Oh, sit down.
04:32See you later.
04:39Delgum?
04:42He's gone to church.
04:44Church?
04:45Del boy?
04:48It's funny, you know.
04:49Of course, he came into the pub last night,
04:51had a couple of pina collards
04:53and started talking to me about religion.
04:55He asked me if I believed God saw everything.
04:58And if so, did he take notes?
05:02I've seen blokes catch religion before.
05:04It's always very saddened like.
05:07He's gone.
05:08What's gone?
05:09His Cliff Richard cassette.
05:11I suppose probably nothing, son.
05:14Maybe he feels the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
05:17Del?
05:18Yeah, maybe you're right.
05:19I don't know.
05:20Of course I am.
05:21I mean, I couldn't honestly see Del boy becoming one of your burning bush and Joshua at the back of Jericho mob.
05:32Could you?
05:33No.
05:35No.
05:36What the hell?
05:37With all the...
05:38No.
05:39No.
05:40No, of course not.
05:42Oi, talking to Joshua, where's that trumpet?
05:44You're jumping down at Dasha.
05:45You did what?
05:47I ain't mind his biff arms.
05:48You mangled my ebs.
05:49Well, it'd teach you not a bloke in my ear hole, would it?
05:52Oh, hey, don't make it to dates.
05:54Oh, hey, don't make it to dates.
05:55Oh, hey, don't make it to dates.
05:57Oh.
05:58Oh.
05:59Ugh.
06:01Ugh.
06:03Look.
06:05What did he say?
06:07Well, Danny only chucked it out this morning.
06:09Ugh.
06:17Ugh.
06:19I don't want to chuck something like that down a shelf.
06:25Thanks.
06:34I don't believe...
06:36I don't believe it!
06:40I cannot give it back to Biffo!
06:45He's bound to notice.
06:47What?
06:49I hate you, Albert!
07:17I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:19Oh.
07:20Right you are.
07:23I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:24Oh.
07:25Right you are.
07:27I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:28Oh.
07:29Right you are.
07:31I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:33I'll be with you in just a moment.
07:35Oh.
07:36Right you are.
08:09Beaming cordons will be the bane of my life.
08:24Yes, God, but it is me.
08:26I thought it was much. So how are you these days?
08:29Oh, no, struggling. How's yourself?
08:32The cordons. Still giving me jip.
08:35Listen, I've got a lovely line of orthopaedic sandals coming along.
08:38Thanks, Terry.
08:41So to what do I owe this honor?
08:46I have come to confess my sins.
08:49Oh, Terry, please.
08:51I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
08:54My main sin, really.
08:57Thanks be to God for that.
09:00Wait a minute. I didn't know you were a Catholic.
09:04Are you a Catholic?
09:06I don't know, do I?
09:08I don't know there. I was only a kid.
09:11But me mum was a Catholic.
09:13Have you ever been to this church before?
09:16Of course I have.
09:17When me mum and dad got married.
09:19You were just a little baby then.
09:23Yeah.
09:24I mean, have you ever been to this church since then?
09:26Oh, um...
09:29No.
09:30Tell my boy you disappoint me.
09:32I watch the Ten Commandments on the telly.
09:37Look, Father, I don't want to go up there on Judgment Day and find out that I'm on the hit list.
09:42I mean, God sees everything, doesn't he?
09:46Look, Derek.
09:48This is not the God'll fix it show.
09:51Forgiveness is only for those who feel shame and remorse.
09:55Do you feel shame and remorse?
09:58Oh, look, Father, does it matter what religion I am?
10:01Well, I don't know that you're not a Catholic, do I?
10:05Oh, that's a spirit.
10:08You know it makes sense.
10:10All right.
10:12Fire away, Adele.
10:14But the truth, mind you, I don't want you lying in my confessional.
10:17Would I lie to you?
10:22Well...
10:24About a week ago, I bought some gear from a couple of gentlemen.
10:29I bought it in good faith. Honest, I did.
10:32Well...
10:33It appears that last night I found out was more to it than meets the eye.
10:36I mean, I didn't know. Honest, I didn't.
10:38I mean, I was led like a...
10:41Like an artificial lamb to the slaughter.
10:44And if I had known the full SP, I would never have taken it on. Honest, I wouldn't.
10:47But, I mean, you know, you don't ask, do you?
10:50Well, you don't do.
10:51I didn't think I needed to ask, Father.
10:53I trusted these two gentlemen.
10:55I believe that they were both honest and upstanding citizens of our community.
11:00Who are these men?
11:01Sunglasses, Ron, and Paddy the Greek.
11:04Well, you can't get them more honest and upstanding than them two.
11:08I'll give you a choice of penance.
11:12You can either say five Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers.
11:18I'll make a little donation to the Hospice Fund.
11:21Will the score be all right?
11:28Is that it?
11:30All squared?
11:31Your sins have been absolved, Del.
11:33No, no, Father.
11:34I want you to be forgiven.
11:38You've been forgiven.
11:42Oh.
11:44Oh.
11:45Cush thee.
11:49What's the fun for them, Father?
11:50Are they building a new extension of the old hospice or what?
11:53I wish they were, Del.
11:55No.
11:57Unfortunately, they're demolishing it.
11:58Eh?
11:59But why?
12:01That's been there for years and years.
12:03Oh, that's the problem.
12:05Over the years, it's become dilapidated.
12:08They've estimated it'll cost a quarter of a million to repair it.
12:11That's what the fun's for.
12:13I'm grieved to say we've little or no chance of reaching our target.
12:17Oh, well, wait a minute.
12:18Maybe we can organise a charity dance match for you.
12:20Don't the old nags head.
12:21How much more money do you need?
12:23185,000.
12:25Maybe we'll throw in a raffle, no?
12:29It's very, very kind of you, Del.
12:32And I do appreciate it.
12:34But I really think this is one battle that we've lost.
12:37They can't knock it down.
12:39And what's going to happen to all the old and sick people living there?
12:42Well, they'll move them out first.
12:45I know. I know that.
12:49But I mean, to where?
12:51Oh, who knows?
12:53They'll probably be dispersed to the four quarters of the metropolis.
12:57Far away from their friends and relatives.
13:00I mean, they're all local people in St. Mary's.
13:03I know. I know they...
13:05They looked after my old mum, you know, when she was ill.
13:07So they did.
13:08Treated her well and all.
13:09And my old granddad.
13:11Bless him.
13:13Mind you, he used to moan a lot at them.
13:17They can't knock it down.
13:20Can they?
13:22Well, it's out of our hands.
13:24Look, I'll be honest with you, Del.
13:27For the past six or seven months since I first heard of the plans for the hospice,
13:31my faith has been severely tested.
13:35All my efforts and prayers have failed.
13:38You know, I...
13:40I feel as if I've let the people down.
13:43Oh, no, come on, come on.
13:44Don't talk like that, Father.
13:46Hey, come on.
13:47Something will turn up.
13:49Remember the old saying?
13:50Huh?
13:51He who dares, wins.
13:53Well...
13:54Well, I'll bear it in mind.
14:00Say a prayer for me, Del.
14:02Yeah, I will.
14:05Sweet Jesus.
14:20Derek!
14:22I'm putting it in, I'm putting it in!
14:24Come down here, quickly!
14:26What's happening?
14:27Come and see this.
14:28Hurry!
14:32What is it?
14:33Look!
14:34Huh?
14:35What?
14:36What?
15:07A sign that we can make a fortune.
15:15What?
15:16Can't you see what we've got ourselves?
15:18An authentic deluxe miracle.
15:21They go for a bond these days.
15:22How can you talk about money at a time like this?
15:25What do you want to talk about?
15:27Your holidays?
15:28You see the opportunity you're being presented with here?
15:31People will pay hard cash just to see this sort of thing.
15:34Look, I have no intention of turning my church into some fairground peep show.
15:41And how could I charge my own flock to see their miracle?
15:46No, no, no. I'm not talking about your flock.
15:47I'm talking about the newspapers, magazines, the television.
15:50The media people will pay through their noses just to get this sort of thing on their front pages.
15:54I don't know if it's right, Derek.
15:55Listen, those old people down at St Mary's Hospice, they'd think it right, wouldn't they?
15:59Listen to me.
15:59With the money that you could earn out of this, you could have that place repaired, redecorated,
16:03and get Samantha Fox to reopen it for you.
16:07I don't think we could.
16:08Yeah, of course.
16:10I mean, she don't come cheap, but I'll see what I can do.
16:12No.
16:12I mean, save the hospital.
16:18Of course, of course we can.
16:19It'd be a doddle, where's your phone?
16:20I...
16:21Sorry, no, it's all right.
16:21No, I'll find it.
16:22I'll find it.
16:22You, you, you...
16:23I don't think I could exploit...
16:28Now, you couldn't, Father, but I'm shit-hot at it.
16:38Look at it.
16:40Just look at it, will we?
16:41Get that thing away from me.
16:44Well, what am I supposed to tell Biffo?
16:46I'll let Uri Geller have a go on it.
16:48Tell me what you want, Sam.
16:50My problem.
16:51And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute, knowing I was at the bottom.
16:54I had to have a shower and everything.
16:56I didn't chuck the rubbish down the chute.
16:57Must have been one of the neighbours.
16:59I found your kipper.
17:01Could have been anyone's kipper.
17:02Oh, yeah?
17:03How many kippers wear brute?
17:08Is that what that horrible taste was?
17:10Yeah.
17:10You sprinkled it with outer shave.
17:13Yes, I did.
17:13To get even with you.
17:15I wish I'd told you where your trumpet was now.
17:17So do I, actually.
17:19Oh, thanks.
17:20Yeah.
17:21Hello?
17:21Del, you want to see what Rumpelstiltskin's done to his trumpet?
17:30He's only gone and ch...
17:31Oh, sorry.
17:33What do you mean, phone Reuters?
17:41You've seen a what?
17:44What happened?
17:44Did Boise buy a round?
17:45All right, all right, keep your hair on.
17:52Yeah.
17:56Bloody hell.
17:57Uh, yeah, hold on.
18:00Oi, give me that.
18:01Quick, come on.
18:03Yeah, right, okay.
18:05Yeah.
18:05Reuters.
18:07Tess.
18:09Peckham Echo.
18:10Oh, right, yeah, BBC, ITV, right.
18:17What about Channel 4?
18:19Oh, no, right, okay.
18:22Yeah, yeah, I've got it all.
18:23It's all here, mate.
18:25Yeah, okay.
18:26Yeah, take care.
18:27I'll see you later on.
18:28Yeah, see ya.
18:28Bye.
18:29Bye.
18:29He's flipped.
18:32He's got completely bloody loopy.
18:35What?
18:35What's happened?
18:37He's seen a miracle.
18:38A miracle?
18:39Well, that's what the man said.
18:42Hang on a minute.
18:44Last night he was talking about God.
18:46This morning he went to church.
18:48This afternoon he's seen a miracle.
18:51Can I only mean one thing?
18:53He's caught religion.
18:55No, he's pulling a stroke, isn't he?
18:57Oh, come on, think about it.
18:59There's cardinals and archbishops.
19:01They've been in the business all their lives.
19:02They never got a sniff of a miracle.
19:04Then along comes Dale.
19:05He's in the game five minutes and already he's a prophet.
19:10Yeah, prophet being the operative word.
19:13How's he going to make money out of the church?
19:28Nothing's happened, Dale.
19:29Eh?
19:30They've been waiting three days and nothing's happened.
19:32No.
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Here, father.
19:35Look at these contracts.
19:36I worked them out in such a way that if they want to sell any of the photographs or films
19:39of the miracle anywhere else in the world, they've got to pay you again.
19:42Look, see?
19:43You made them sign contracts.
19:44Of course I have.
19:45It's business, innit?
19:46No poppy, no pictures.
19:47That's my motto.
19:48But what happens if the miracle doesn't occur again?
19:51Give them their money back, I suppose.
19:53Don't worry.
19:53Don't worry.
19:55I always get this feeling, you know, when a miracle's due.
19:58I've got a feeling it could be pretty soon, too.
20:01Well, I hope you're right.
20:02Trust me.
20:03Trust me.
20:03No luck.
20:07Well, you know, sort of.
20:08Here, take the butchers at that, will you?
20:14They're paying you all that money.
20:15Yeah, that's right.
20:17Well, it's not every day they get a chance to see a miracle, is it, eh?
20:20That's just the British media.
20:22You wait till the rest of the world's press get here.
20:24Look at all those noughts, Rodney.
20:25Yeah.
20:26You can see his game now, can't you?
20:28What are you talking about?
20:29You're going to cream some off, aren't you?
20:31You listen to me, Albert.
20:32I am not the sort of bloke who cheats on the sick and the elderly.
20:36You put your peepers down there,
20:37you'll see that all cheques are made payable to St Mary's Hospice Fund.
20:41Yeah, I'm sorry, sir.
20:42That's all right.
20:43I simply want to keep that place open, that's all,
20:45and you better pray that I succeed.
20:47Why?
20:47Because one more crack out at you, and you're going to be their next client.
20:51David!
20:52Well, take a look at this, will you?
20:54I'm there.
20:54Come on.
20:55OK, I'm there.
20:56Nice.
20:57Got it?
20:58Yeah.
20:58OK.
20:59I'm there.
21:09Got that one, Rodney.
21:20G'day, Australian Broadcasting.
21:22And g'day to you, sign that bell.
21:24Well, what is it?
21:25It tells you how much you've got to pay
21:27to take pictures of the finest little miracle this side of heaven.
21:31It's truth.
21:35Right, listen.
21:36What we're going to do while we're waiting, you know, save us getting bored.
21:40We're going to have another little collection.
21:42All right?
21:42Yeah, there we go.
21:43Come on, that's it.
21:44Thank you very much.
21:45Come on, everybody.
21:46Now, let's dig, deep, deep.
21:47Come on, it's for the poor and the needy.
21:49That's right.
21:50No coins, please, because it scratches the pewter.
21:54And you.
21:55Thank you, Jean.
21:55Merci beaucoup.
21:56Very nice.
21:58Oh, hello.
21:58Now, you're off and running.
21:59There's a camera over here.
22:02Oi, just a minute, just a minute, John.
22:03Have you signed that contract, please?
22:07Oi, mind the camera there, will you?
22:10Thank you very much.
22:12Here we are, Rodney.
22:13It's done, my son.
22:17This is the happiest day in my life.
22:20Yeah, I know what you mean, Father.
22:21Well, it's rien n' au pas plus, as I frankly say.
22:25Oh, where's that brolly?
22:30Sign that, will you?
22:31Oh, yeah, sure.
22:32Who's it for, then, the wife or the kids?
22:35It's a receipt for all the collections.
22:37Eh?
22:38Oh, right.
22:40Oi, Prince.
22:42I'm here to go with Bruce.
22:43Mr. Protter?
22:44Yes.
22:44Sandra Cox, NBC, New York.
22:46Eh?
22:47Father O'Keefe told me that you actually prophesied the miracle.
22:51Um, yes, that's true.
22:52That is me, yeah.
22:53Uh-huh.
22:53I wonder if you might have a short interview for our viewers over in the States?
22:58Yes, of course.
23:01Mic up.
23:02It's a mic up, then.
23:03Okay.
23:07Everyone gone?
23:09Oh, yes.
23:11Yes, they have all they need.
23:12And so do we.
23:14All thanks to your nephew.
23:15Yeah, he brought you nothing but luck, didn't he?
23:18Unfortunately, he also brings the weather with him.
23:20Every time he prophesies a miracle that's been pouring with rain.
23:27Oh, no.
23:28And what form do these divine messages take?
23:44Well, um, what happens is I get this strange sort of feeling rising from the centre of my body.
23:52At first, I thought it was a dodgy mutton teacup.
23:55Then I realised that I wasn't about a prophet.
23:58You know, many are called, but I'm afraid few are chosen.
24:01I do not want any reward for the work that I have done for the elderly and sick in the community.
24:10No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes, no, none of that.
24:14I would like to think, however, if there is any money left over after repairing the hospice,
24:19that, um, they might build a new wing and perhaps name it after me.
24:23This would give me, thank you.
24:24Come with me.
24:25What? Hey.
24:26Hey.
24:29Sorry, viewers.
24:31The Lord's work calls.
24:32Rodney Tuckis on the road.
24:37Right.
24:39Bit dirty up here.
24:40Oh, don't shut up.
24:41Don't shut up.
24:42I mean...
24:43Look at my roof.
24:48Bloody hell.
24:54Sorry.
24:56And look.
24:59The water.
25:02Seeping through the floor.
25:04Across the joists.
25:06Onto the lamp.
25:08And right onto the statue.
25:10This isn't a miracle.
25:12It's a flaming leak.
25:15Oh, that's a turn up, isn't it, eh?
25:18Look.
25:20Somebody's stolen the lead.
25:21God.
25:22Mum, you can't trust anyone these days, can you, eh?
25:25I can't.
25:26Mum, wait, you're in luck.
25:28Ain't he?
25:28Because we've got a load of lead, you know, I've got...
25:31I don't believe you.
25:37So this is what you bought, our sunglasses, Ron, and Paddy the Greek.
25:42Isn't it?
25:42Yeah.
25:43I didn't know it at the time.
25:45Otherwise, I wouldn't have touched it.
25:47That's what I can't tell you.
25:49Ah, but you didn't tell me.
25:50Well, no.
25:51I don't know.
25:52Not a grass, am I?
25:54You knew all along it was no miracle.
25:57You weren't receiving divine messages.
25:59You were listening to the weather forecast.
26:01Yeah, well, we've saved some Marys, though, didn't we?
26:08Derek.
26:10Look me in the eyes.
26:11Are you telling me that just for the sake of a small, decrepit old building, you created
26:22this whole tissue of lies and deceit?
26:25You deliberately and willingly set out to defraud all those newspapers and television companies
26:31out of thousands and thousands of pounds?
26:33Is that what you're telling me?
26:35Thank God bless you, my son.
26:46I was going to do some lecture tours, all nice prayer meetings at Wembley, you know,
26:58that sort of thing.
27:00This time next year, we was going to be millionaires.
27:03This time next year, you'd have been a prison inmate unless you watched your step.
27:07If I was you, Del, I would keep a very low profile.
27:10Thank you very much.
27:11Thank you, Corporate.
27:12Good luck.
27:13Good luck.
27:13Good luck, lads.
27:15Thank you so much.
27:18Perfect.
27:26Where's my trumpet?
27:30Biffo, how are you?
27:32Where's my trumpet?
27:34Your trumpet, yeah.
27:36There's been a bit of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate.
27:40You see that old man over there?
27:43Oi, where's my trumpet?
27:45Ain't you going to do something?
27:47Yeah, of course I am.
27:49Oi, do you want to film some authentic inner city violence?
27:52Come on, bring your cameras.
27:54Bring your mollets.
27:55What do you need to do?
27:56Come on.