Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
RETRO TV
  • 2 days ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Now, this machine is going to change our lives.
00:08Good.
00:09Yes, it's top of the range, this high tech.
00:11Yeah, you can see that by all them lights.
00:13Yeah, yeah.
00:15I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
00:17Nor do I.
00:18What is it?
00:21I mean, what is it?
00:22It's a videotape recorder, isn't it?
00:24It's got a little computer in it and everything.
00:25When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programs for you.
00:29Amazing.
00:30Nothing but the best.
00:34How does it know you're on holiday?
00:38You send it to a postcard, don't you?
00:40I know you program its little computer, don't you, you daft old...
00:44Oh, come on, what's the matter with you?
00:46No luck, eh?
00:46No, it's all right, I'll get the hang of it.
00:48It's just, you know, when it comes to technological things, normally I'm a natural.
00:51I've just got to get used to all its, you know, its functions and its modes.
00:55I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it.
00:58Yes, yes, yes, that's right, yes.
01:02Rodney, come on, shake your legs, it's gone six o'clock.
01:06Yeah, it's all right, keep the noise down, will you?
01:09God blimey, look at the state of that.
01:11I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
01:14You brought in back last night, son, out with that little bird of yours.
01:18What's her name, Cassandra?
01:19That's right.
01:20Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
01:24Yeah, that takes me back.
01:27I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave.
01:29I saw some of the best here, Rodney.
01:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:33You ever heard of John, Barbara, Ollie?
01:35Yeah, of course I have.
01:37Sir John was one of the greats.
01:38Yeah, Barbara and Ollie were pretty good, aren't they?
01:40I saw them all, Rodney.
01:43Adrian Bolt, Sir Malcolm Sargent.
01:46Wonderful times.
01:48Who'd you see?
01:49Eric Clapton.
01:51Eric Clapton?
01:52He's a new one on me.
01:54Yeah.
01:54Yeah, the old boy's got a new video recorder.
01:57Oh, yeah.
01:59Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day.
02:02Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world
02:05that don't have any rubbish dumps?
02:07They just send it all to him.
02:08Oi, oi, oi, that's enough of that.
02:11This is none of your Taiwan junk.
02:12This was made in Formosa.
02:18But Formosa is...
02:19Albert, please, don't confuse the issue.
02:22It is what?
02:24He's one of the world's leading manufacturers of audiovisual equipment.
02:28And video recorders.
02:32And video recorders.
02:34Do you want some breakfast, Del?
02:36No thanks, Albert.
02:37Breakfast is for wimps.
02:38Rodney?
02:39Yeah, I'm starving.
02:44Well, you know where I was last night whilst you was up at the Albert Hall,
02:47you know, head-banging and all that.
02:49I was having a drink with the managing director
02:51of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
02:54Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry?
02:57Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name.
02:58Yeah, no, that bloke has come on a bundle in the last few years.
03:01That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
03:05He's got a Queen's Award for Industry plaque and all.
03:08Yeah, I know.
03:09I was there when you sold it to him.
03:11Oh, yeah, yeah.
03:12Well, exactly.
03:13I mean, well, you and I, I mean, we both know it's a schneid one, don't we?
03:15But the frontiers don't.
03:16They're impressed by the image.
03:18And that's what modern business is all about today, Rodney.
03:20It's about image.
03:21You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right?
03:25Now, take me, for instance.
03:26I am a perfect example.
03:30But you look exactly what you are.
03:33Well, thank you very much.
03:35It's only because I've got the right image.
03:37No, I mean, it is.
03:37I mean, it's the little things, you know.
03:38It's like me aluminium briefcase there,
03:40me Mercedes keyring, me filofax.
03:43When people see these things, they know exactly what I am.
03:46It is a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?
03:49Better than a mason's handshake, bruv.
03:52You take my jewellery, see.
03:53Now, a half-sovereign ring can say an awful lot about a bloke.
03:57Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
04:00See, now we're talking the same language, aren't we, eh?
04:02See?
04:03That's what it...
04:04Ah, Albert, just a minute.
04:05You stay there.
04:06Just stand there.
04:06Now, Rodney, as you see him standing there,
04:10what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
04:12Why, have I got bloody cornflakes again?
04:17It's because I can't get any food in that fridge.
04:19It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week.
04:22It's all right, all right.
04:23I'm going to get rid of them today, aren't I?
04:24No, I'm talking about image-wise.
04:25All right, listen, come here a minute.
04:26Look.
04:27You see, when I see him standing there,
04:28what this says to me, this says,
04:30here is a man who's worked hard all his life for an honest crust.
04:33Here is a man of strong principles.
04:36Here is a man you can trust.
04:39You see what I'm saying?
04:41You see how easy it is to fool people?
04:44All you've got to do is have the right image.
04:46Are you saying I've got to get an image?
04:48No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one.
04:49You see, you take a look at me, you see, I wear a trendy trench coat, Gordon gecko braces.
04:55You wear a lumberjack's coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
04:59My image says I'm going right to the top flat out.
05:02Your image says I'm going back to bed because I'm shagged out.
05:05You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
05:07You must be dynamic, you see.
05:09Yes, all right.
05:12I was a bit dynamic last night over Ron's castle,
05:15over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
05:18I was where the big business opportunities occur.
05:21And I was in a position to snap them up.
05:23And what exactly did you snap up?
05:25That video recorder.
05:27Financial Times Index must have gone through the roof.
05:32No, I didn't just buy one of them, did I?
05:34I bought 50 of them.
05:36The rest of them are in the garage.
05:37Guess how much I paid?
05:38Only 50 quid each.
05:40But that's two and a half grand.
05:41Where do you get two and a half grand from?
05:43I didn't know I got them on the knock.
05:44You know, buy now, pay later.
05:45When I sell them, Ronnie will get his money.
05:4750 quid each?
05:49Well, they've got to be hooky.
05:50They are not hooky.
05:53Now, the reason why they're so cheap is because
05:55they come from a consignment where the manufacturers
05:58put in the wrong operating instructions.
06:01Oh, great.
06:04So how are you going to operate a video recorder
06:06there would be instructions for a sandwich toaster?
06:09I'm not.
06:10You are.
06:12Well, you're the one who's taken a diploma course
06:14in computer science.
06:15Again.
06:16Yes, that's right.
06:17So programming a silly little thing like that
06:19ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
06:21Yes, all right.
06:24I'll do it for you.
06:25Good boy.
06:26Good boy.
06:26You know it makes sense.
06:28Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV
06:30called City News.
06:31It's all about mega-powered business,
06:33Wall Street, big bangs and all that.
06:35You on it?
06:36Yeah.
06:39You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
06:42Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
06:45I want you to look really snappy for the punters,
06:46you know, with it.
06:47We've got a high-profile image.
06:49Oh, probably.
06:50The only thing we've got as high as it's flat.
06:52Oh, very funny, very funny.
06:54Hey, listen.
06:55I'm going to make a very important private phone call.
06:57I want you two to take them tomatoes down there
06:59and put them in the van, all right?
07:00Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, all right?
07:13There you go, Denzel.
07:14There's your stew.
07:16That's a pound.
07:16Cheers, I'll get you on the way back.
07:18All right.
07:20Buff, bourguignon.
07:24That's £2.50, sir.
07:28That's super.
07:30Bon appétit.
07:33So, how's life treating you then, Denzel?
07:36The same as Paxo treats a turkey.
07:39As bad as that, eh?
07:40Well, whatever happened to good news, eh?
07:42Is it being privatised or what?
07:43Yeah, I heard you started your own knowledge company, Transworld Express.
07:47Any time, any load, anywhere.
07:49That's right.
07:50But I've only got a transit.
07:52A transit?
07:54So why all the big worldwide slogans?
07:56Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service, parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
08:01Then I bumped into Del.
08:03Oh.
08:03Don't tell me.
08:06Image, yeah?
08:07Yes.
08:08He said there is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers.
08:12You have got to be big, brave and brazen, he said.
08:14Why do you listen to him?
08:16Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him, but Del insists.
08:20Does he still drink in here, by the way?
08:22Yeah, occasionally.
08:24But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham, he's been hanging around the wine bars and bistros.
08:28Of course, one by one, they're barring him.
08:31They're bound to, aren't they?
08:33See them over there?
08:34They only come in here to avoid him.
08:36I saw Rodney this morning.
08:38He was wearing a suit.
08:39Someone must have died.
08:42There ain't much good news around, is there, Denzel?
08:45Denzel, my old mate!
08:48I was just off, Del.
08:49No, not until I bought you a drink, you're not here.
08:51Yeah, pina colada for me, please, Michael.
08:53Same again for Denzel.
08:54Ian, I've told you before, you ought to clean your pipes out.
08:56It's terrible.
08:58Listen, Michael, listen to me.
09:00I've just come back from folks, then I've got 25, 6-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes,
09:06straight off the ferry, still got the dew on them, £2.50 a box.
09:09What do you say? Do your salads up a treat.
09:11What, £2.50 a box?
09:12Yep.
09:13Go on, then, Del, I'll have one.
09:14Good, I'll put three boxes aside for you.
09:16Rodney's on his way down with them.
09:17Come on in, Denzel, come on, come and sit down over there.
09:20Tell me what you've been up to, all right?
09:22Ah, Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again.
09:27Oh, God.
09:28Let's see him.
09:30Hello.
09:31Hello.
09:32Hello.
09:35They're my sort of people.
09:37What, you mean the bistro kits?
09:39Oh, yeah.
09:39I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian,
09:42and we were debating the Trust House 40 Cunard merger.
09:45Yeah.
09:46Oh, yeah.
09:47That's the sort of thing I like these days, you know, Denzel,
09:49the cut and thrust to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument.
09:54I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
09:57Still, it's all over.
09:58We're still friends, aren't we?
10:00Harry A. Water under the bridge, eh?
10:02Yeah.
10:03Oh, here he comes.
10:04Thank you, Michael.
10:06Cheers.
10:06Ahem.
10:15Just look at me.
10:16I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
10:21Well, you've ruined it, haven't you?
10:23This is your fault.
10:25It's all so I could present an image.
10:27Well, I am presenting an image.
10:29I'm presenting the image of someone who's covered in tomato stains.
10:32That'll come off.
10:34Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will you?
10:37How about a slice of bread?
10:41I need him, don't I?
10:43I bloody need him.
10:45That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
10:47Yeah, I know it was.
10:48God knows I'm going to get it clean for tonight.
10:50I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra
10:53and that'll ruin my evening.
10:54And she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice
10:57and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault.
10:59Oh, shut up and sit down, you big old brass.
11:01Here, Denzel, tell Rodney about your lap.
11:04That should cheer him up.
11:05Yeah, what's that?
11:05No luck, me old mate.
11:06Oh, no, Del, lots of luck.
11:08I'm all bad.
11:09Last Friday was mine and Kareem's anniversary.
11:12Oh, my God.
11:13Oh, Del, that's not the bad luck.
11:15Oh, sorry.
11:16Well, see, a while back I got this contract
11:19with this plastics factory over Deckford.
11:22They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot.
11:25Oh, yeah.
11:27Yeah.
11:27Well, go on, carry on.
11:29Yeah, yeah.
11:29Yeah, well, Friday afternoon, I got this urgent call from the factory
11:34to go to a shop in High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls.
11:37They were being returned, faulty stock.
11:39But it's my anniversary, isn't it?
11:41And I've promised to take Kareem out for the evening.
11:43By the time I have got through all the rush hour traffic,
11:46it's half past six and I've still got the dolls on board.
11:49So what do I do?
11:50Take them back to the factory like I'm supposed to
11:52and let Kareem down?
11:53Or leave them on the truck until Monday and hope no-one tweaks.
11:57Oh, well, it's obvious, isn't it?
12:00You let Kareem down.
12:04No.
12:05How can a return of faulty dolls be urgent?
12:08I don't lift them on me truck till Monday.
12:10That's exactly what I did.
12:12And what happens?
12:13The factory went up in flames.
12:15Exploded by all accounts.
12:17Normally I can carry on working for them
12:19because they've got other depots.
12:20But tomorrow morning I have got to hand in this unsigned docket
12:24which proves I collected the dolls
12:25but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
12:28When the governors find out,
12:30they are either going to think that I have become unreliable
12:32or, where still, that I am on the thief.
12:35That's a problem, eh, Denzel?
12:37Yeah.
12:39It's no problem.
12:41Are you two going to be plonkers for the rest of your lives?
12:44This is no problem at all.
12:47This is a gift from the gods.
12:50Give us this here, now.
12:55What are you doing, Del?
12:56I'm getting you out of stock and into the money.
12:59Right?
13:00Right, now listen.
13:02I've signed that docket, right?
13:03I put on Friday's date.
13:05Now, they never bother to check these things.
13:08Now, as far as anyone's concerned,
13:10all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the factory.
13:14Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist.
13:17This means that the owners will get more insurance money.
13:22You get an empty truck, plus a hundred nickel bunts.
13:25Me and the tomato kid here,
13:27we get...
13:28We get fifty dollars to flog down the market,
13:30and the great British public have another bargain of a lifetime.
13:34Everyone's a winner.
13:35Petit de Jeunet.
13:37All right?
13:37I'll now go and empty your van onto ours, Denzel.
13:42Thank you very much.
13:44See you later.
13:45Ciao, Chloe.
13:46Adrian.
13:46TTFM.
13:47Michael.
13:47How much do you pay for them?
13:56Two quid each.
13:58So if we can knock them out of, what, say, ten or a go,
14:00that's, what, 400 quid profit, eh?
14:02Lovely jubbly.
14:04You've just bought fifty dolls that have got something wrong with them.
14:07There's nothing wrong with those dolls, Rodney.
14:09You know what these quality-controlled geezers are like?
14:11You know, you see one little scratch on them,
14:13and they stamp and reject, like...
14:14What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas?
14:18There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there?
14:20You laid them back, like, in your arms like that,
14:22they'd close their little eyes,
14:23and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
14:25Yeah, we had to try and keep them closed, didn't we?
14:27Cos when you opened them, they was boss-eyed.
14:31Yeah, well...
14:33They had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I'd like it.
14:37Well, that's why they were such a bargain.
14:39Anyway, the kids didn't notice, did they?
14:41All except that little one who had nightmares.
14:44And I always said there was something wrong with her to start with.
14:47Anyway, these are probably top of the range.
14:48These are, like, Barbie or Cindy dolls or something like that.
14:52Dale, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Cindy.
14:54These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
15:01You can't have dolls with names like that.
15:05You can if you go to the right shops.
15:19Oh, jeez.
15:20How...
15:21What have we got ourselves into here?
15:27Well, this is your fault, ain't it?
15:29You never stop to ask questions, do you?
15:31Just go crashing in and to help with the consequences.
15:33That is because I've got a high profile.
15:35Yeah, high profile and low foreheads.
15:39They're big for little dolls, aren't they?
15:41Look, hunk, they ain't ordinary dolls.
15:46You get them advertised in...
15:48...magazines.
15:50Where's that radio type, really?
15:53Albert, have a day off, will ya?
15:56I mean, seedy magazines for kinky, sleazy little men.
16:02You're pulling my leg.
16:03Oh, am I?
16:05You have a look at this thing.
16:12He's right and all, Del.
16:13I know he's right.
16:16Oh, blimey.
16:17Look at all this lot in here.
16:19We've got more colours in here than Jelly Babies, look.
16:21Cool, I tell you, Del, we're going to have to get rid of them a bit lively.
16:29Yes, I know.
16:30You're right and all.
16:31Look at the prices they sell for.
16:34£60 each.
16:35On the other hand, let's not be too...
16:37Now, let's not be too hasty, eh, will you?
16:39Hey, come on, Del.
16:40No, you were the one that was having a go at me just now for, you know, making quick decisions,
16:44weren't you?
16:44Here.
16:45Here, Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine now.
16:48Just go on, hang on.
16:49Don't give them to me!
16:50Del, we can't sell these.
16:54Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
16:55These things, they sell for £60 each, don't they?
16:58And these ones are self-inflating deluxe models for the more discerning weirdo.
17:06Maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
17:09Rodney, if we can sell these for just, what, say, £30 each, that means that we make, what,
17:14£1,400 profit?
17:16Just think of that.
17:17Think of that, what, he, £1,400 lovely smackerooni split right down the middle between you and me.
17:22That means by this time tomorrow you could have £600 of your own on your hip.
17:27And I know who'll buy him off us and all.
17:29Who?
17:29Dirty Barry.
17:31Who's Dirty Barry?
17:32Well, he runs a little, um, personal shop down the Woolworth Road.
17:36And he'll take the lot off us.
17:38And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
17:41Why, does she want one?
17:43You know what I mean.
17:45She won't want to see me again, will she?
17:47Well, how's she going to find out?
17:49I wouldn't stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking around the streets in broad daylight with him.
17:53Well, we won't, will we?
17:54We'll go down there tonight with him.
17:56He's open till about eight o'clock.
17:57Just get him out of here as quick as you can.
18:00I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that would bring nothing but bad luck.
18:05Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in.
18:07Well, I tell you, Del, I don't want nothing to do with him.
18:12No, no, wait a minute, Rodney.
18:12No, wait a minute.
18:13Look, we're traders, aren't we?
18:14All we're doing is trading.
18:15This is just a one-off deal, that's all.
18:17I mean, people make a living out of these sort of things.
18:20It's big business and all, isn't it?
18:22I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't you?
18:23All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up.
18:30They pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege and all.
18:34Blimey, they want to walk around this estate one night.
18:36They get it done free and on a national health.
18:40Yeah, but them sort of people are sick.
18:42I know, but they're still human beings.
18:45I mean, if some weirdo wants to get it going with half a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen,
18:49well, that's his business.
18:52As far as I'm concerned, he'll have a meaningful relationship with a barrage balloon.
18:56It's in the privacy of his own anger.
19:00Exactly.
19:01Now listen, I'm going to give Dirty Barry a bell.
19:03I'll tell him that we're going to be over there later on tonight.
19:04Now, Rodney, tell me the truth.
19:08You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could you?
19:13To be honest with you, Unc, no, I couldn't.
19:16Barry, tell boy!
19:19But I know a man who can.
19:20That's £5.54.
19:29It's almost ready.
19:30I'll fetch for you.
19:34Good evening.
19:35Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls,
19:41which were missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend.
19:44A police spokesman today said that due to a technical error,
19:47the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane.
19:53The cops went to the ground on Saturday night,
19:57and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane.
20:01The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket.
20:07Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal,
20:10particularly when exposed to heat,
20:12and have appealed for their immediate return.
20:14Your food is ready.
20:20Usually they take their food and one of those things.
20:23This guy's got it all wrong.
20:31I don't believe it.
20:33I don't believe it.
20:36That's the last time I trust you with anything, wasn't it?
20:39Look, I've already told you there's something wrong with that machine.
20:42I asked him to set this to record a programme.
20:44On ITV called City News.
20:47What have I got?
20:48Open University on BBC Two.
20:50So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever-changing pulse of the stock market,
20:54I'm watching Christopher Dopey-Wren on how he built St Paul's Cathedral.
20:59That's interesting.
21:00Yeah, you would.
21:01You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission.
21:04It's sneaky in here, isn't it?
21:06Is it all right if I turn the thermostat up?
21:07Yeah.
21:08You sure it's not too technical for you?
21:10Yeah.
21:11And...
21:12Oh, you dipstick, Roddy.
21:16Now look at your darn...
21:17Me?
21:18I thought Roddy knew about videos.
21:20Yeah.
21:21Emmanuel in Bangkok, and that's about it.
21:23I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted.
21:28Now, it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it?
21:31That machine is...
21:33Up the wall.
21:36Oh, you're trying to blind me for science now, aren't you?
21:38Personally, I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth.
21:41How did you figure that out?
21:43It was a film on earlier, all about computers.
21:45You're joking.
21:47I wish I'd recorded it.
21:49Hang around, Rodney.
21:50You most probably have.
21:52It was called War Games.
21:54It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers.
21:57And one day, he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system.
22:03He almost got us into World War III.
22:05No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there?
22:07World War III?
22:08This blonker can't even get us into Channel Freeload.
22:11Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
22:16No, I haven't actually read them.
22:19Well, why don't you do that small thing, Derek?
22:22I think you'll find it very interesting.
22:24Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian,
22:28and not one single word in English.
22:31And that's why your machine don't work.
22:33It was made strictly for sale in Europe.
22:36But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?
22:38Yes, I know that.
22:39But we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe.
22:43And that's why your machine is on the blink.
22:45Its components are burning out.
22:47It is what's technically known as knackered.
22:50It's only Willie Nelson's tucked you up.
22:53Oh, I can't believe it.
22:55Well, that's all I need, isn't it?
22:59You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
23:01Too late, unger. I've sold them all the start of noon.
23:03You've sold them?
23:04Hmm. 70, uh, 60 quid each.
23:07You'll have to give the money back.
23:08Why?
23:09Because they don't work.
23:11Well, what do you expect for 60 quid?
23:13I've been fucked up. I'm just passing it on, that's all.
23:16It's business.
23:17Oh, don't worry about it. Everything's going to be cushy.
23:20You are something else, you are.
23:22You're too picky, Rodney. That's your problem.
23:38How's that funny sound?
23:42I don't know.
23:44What are you looking at me for?
23:46Well, those funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
23:51Why didn't you do it?
24:04Is that funny noise?
24:06Oh, sure, sure.
24:06Right?
24:07What's happening? What's happening, Roman?
24:32How the hell should I know?
24:34You're the one with the GCEs.
24:35Come alive, that's what's happened.
24:36Come alive. What do you think this is, Pinocchio?
24:39I've seen this happen before.
24:40He is a guy who was in Jamaica, and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
24:44This witch doctor ran his hands over a dead cat, and he'd come back alive.
24:48Yeah?
24:49I wish he lived around here.
24:50He'd have a go at my video.
24:54Just, just, just, just take it easy, all right?
24:57All right, calm down.
24:58That's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look.
25:08I don't understand it.
25:10I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate her.
25:13I, so did I.
25:14I thought you were supposed to do it, see?
25:26They must have a little canister of gas inside them, and they each set them off.
25:30What'd you go and stick them next to the hot air duct for?
25:33Oh, I didn't know that it would do that.
25:34Anyway, you're the one that switched the firmest at up.
25:37Well, I didn't know that it was going to do that either.
25:39It's all right.
25:39Look, all right, all right, you two, now just pack it in for God's sake, will ya?
25:45I mean, you know, what will our guests think?
25:52Look, they're ugly-looking mares, aren't they?
25:55That's when you were worse.
25:57Rodney, you're going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
26:00Listen, we can't stand here arguing.
26:02We've got to do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up.
26:06All right, don't panic, don't panic.
26:08We'll just deflate them.
26:09How?
26:10Well, they must have a little valve in them somewhere, aren't they?
26:13Yeah, that's right.
26:14Yeah.
26:15Well, go on, where you going then, Rodney?
26:18You can feel it.
26:19Could be anywhere.
26:21And I ain't looking for it either.
26:22Could be illegal.
26:24What are you talking about illegal?
26:26They can't phone for the police, can they, eh?
26:29All right, all right.
26:31Do it yourself, the old boy.
26:32There it is.
26:53Look, there, look, right at the back there.
26:56Now, just to remind me of the stick.
26:58Go on, Rodney, have a go at that one.
27:00Here, I'll use one of these cocktail sticks.
27:01Here, look.
27:02Does Cassandra let you do that?
27:12Nothing's happening.
27:17Yeah, same here.
27:18Maybe they're dodgy valves.
27:20We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the Navy.
27:23Oh, yeah?
27:23How can you tell?
27:24Well, once they're up, they won't come down.
27:27Well, you remember what Denzel said?
27:29They were faulty, weren't they?
27:30He was taking them back to the factory.
27:32It must be the valves that are faulty.
27:36Well, now we're going to let them down.
27:37Well, that's your line line.
27:38Can't you stick pins in them?
27:40You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you?
27:42No, of course we can't.
27:44We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
27:46Oh, look, what's 60 notes, eh?
27:49Come on, it's just bursting.
27:51Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that.
27:53Give me that here.
27:54God, dear.
27:55Your mother would turn somersaults in her grave
27:57if she could see you doing that.
27:59She did not bring us up to throw good money away
28:01just because we've got a little problem.
28:04We'll find a way in which we can get them down to dirty barriers.
28:07And how are you going to explain the fact that they are fully inflated?
28:10I'll just say they're samples.
28:11I'll say we blew them up so we could see them
28:13in all their natural beauty.
28:17Yeah, we'll chuck them in the back of the van.
28:18They'll be out of sight then.
28:20How are you going to come out of this flat,
28:22down the stairs, through the main doors,
28:24right across the forecourt to where the van's parked
28:26without anyone seeing you?
28:28You always have to spoil everything, don't you?
28:31He's got a point, though, hasn't he?
28:32I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate.
28:34Someone's bound to see you.
28:36Yeah, all right, all right.
28:37Well, I'll think of a way.
28:38Listen, the first thing we've got to do
28:40is to get these into another room.
28:41I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up,
28:43talk to us about buying this flat.
28:44I mean, Gould knows what he'll say
28:46if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here.
28:49Albert, put these in Rodney's room.
28:50What? No way.
28:51I've already got a wardrobe full of mum's old clothes
28:54in my room.
28:54Them two are just about to take the biscuit.
28:56What are you going to say?
28:57In case I bring Cassandra back,
29:00put them in your room.
29:01Oh.
29:02In case I bring a bird back,
29:03put them in Albert's room.
29:04In case I bring a...
29:06All right, put them in my room.
29:10I've got to go and meet Cassandra.
29:11I'll see you later.
29:12Oi, Rodney.
29:14Just make sure you don't do anything
29:15that might cause embarrassment to our family.
29:20Bill, I don't think I could do anything
29:22that would cause embarrassment to our family.
29:25Good boy.
29:26Good boy.
29:28Mum would be proud of you.
29:30Mum, Mum.
29:32That's it, Rodney.
29:33Hey, I think I've just worked out a way
29:36of how we can get these down to Dirty Barriers.
29:40Oh, no.
29:49These tomatoes are a bit manky, aren't they, Mike?
29:53Still, they make your beard taste better.
29:56I'll have you know,
29:57they were fresh Jersey tomatoes.
29:59Yeah, when?
30:01Why do you come in this pub trick?
30:03For the company.
30:05Trigger doesn't have many friends
30:07or opportunities for social outlet.
30:10Every weekend, he goes down to the park
30:12and throws bread to the ducks.
30:14To him, it's a dinner party.
30:17So during the week,
30:18he has a straight choice
30:19between sitting in a cemetery
30:20or sitting in this pub.
30:23Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
30:25What is the matter with everyone today?
30:28Trigger's done nothing but moan.
30:30You've got a face like a constipated rat.
30:33At least when Del Boy comes in,
30:34he cracks a joke and has a laugh.
30:37It is due to the activities
30:38of the aforementioned Del Boy
30:40that I have a face like a constipated rat.
30:43Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
30:46How is he?
30:47A lot richer than before
30:49he popped in to see me this afternoon.
30:50He sold me some video recorders.
30:53£70 each.
30:54I snapped them up.
30:55£70 each?
30:56What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
30:58If they did,
30:59they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf.
31:02How do you mean?
31:03I have just discovered
31:05that these machines
31:06only work on the continental current.
31:08To make them work on the British system
31:10would take a transformer
31:11the size of a suitcase
31:13and an electrician of such genius
31:15I'd have to go headhunting
31:16at Cape Canaveral.
31:19£70 each.
31:21Eh?
31:22Those video recorders.
31:24£70 each.
31:25Yeah.
31:26I'll have one.
31:32No, no, Trigg.
31:33See, they only work on the continent.
31:35All right, I'll drop one round.
31:36Yeah.
31:37Cheers, boysie.
31:38Mike!
31:39Mike!
31:39Hang on, hang on.
31:40I've only got one pair of hands.
31:42Have you seen Del Boy?
31:43Oh, no.
31:44He ain't been in tonight.
31:45Oh, bloody hell.
31:46I've got to do something really quick.
31:47Is your phone working?
31:48Is the phone working?
31:52Look, we had a spot of bother the other week.
31:53They tore the wires out.
31:54What's all the panic?
31:55I sold Del some dolls.
31:57Inflatable dolls.
31:59Inflatable dolls?
32:01Yeah, well, he didn't know
32:02they were inflatable.
32:03I never knew they were inflatable.
32:04I picked them up from a place
32:05called Playthings.
32:07I thought it was a toy shop.
32:09Well, apparently the police
32:10are looking for them.
32:11They're dangerous.
32:12They've been fitted
32:13with the wrong gas cylinders
32:14to follow something called propane.
32:17Propane?
32:18Yeah, that's explosive, isn't it?
32:19Very.
32:20Del's got 50 little time bombs
32:21on his hands.
32:22If them things get hot,
32:24they are going to have to
32:24redo the A to Z.
32:27I'll pop round his flat.
32:28I'll see you later.
32:29That's bad news, isn't it?
32:36Terrible.
32:38Well, that's tragic.
32:39Hurry up, then.
32:57It's all clear.
32:58Oh, what a very pleasant evening.
33:08I'll kill you.
33:11Now, get the van, Albert.
33:14It'll be all right
33:15as long as we don't draw
33:15attention to ourselves.
33:22Look.
33:23Hurry up, Albert.
33:35It's locked.
33:36God damn it.
33:39Have you got the keys, Rodney?
33:40Yeah.
33:41Here you are.
33:42Hurry up.
33:44Drive the van back over here, Unc.
33:45But I'm not insured.
33:47Well, don't have a crash, Amy.
33:48What if the police patrol sees us?
33:55It's all right.
33:55These dolls ain't hooky.
33:57I'm thinking more of
33:58a public indecency charge.
34:00How are you going to explain
34:01this in court?
34:03I should tell the truth, Rodney.
34:06I should say,
34:06yes, Your Honour.
34:07The other evening,
34:08my brother and I
34:08decided to go out for a drink
34:10with two life-size
34:11inflatable dolls
34:12which were wearing
34:13my late mother's clothing.
34:15I can't put you in prison
34:16for that, Rodney,
34:17can I?
34:18No, they'll chuck us
34:19in Broadmoor.
34:20In Norman Bates,
34:21we, most probably.
34:23Hold up.
34:24Hold up.
34:25Good evening, Darren.
34:26Good evening, Clayton.
34:27Good evening, Rodney.
34:29Good evening, Mr Cooper.
34:31Good evening, ladies.
34:32What?
34:33Good evening, Ian.
34:33Right, that's me finish
34:49with them, aren't they?
34:50Just a bit, just a bit.
34:51Hey, aren't you coming down
34:52dirty barriers with us?
34:53No, I ain't.
34:54I've got a date with Cassandra.
34:56Look, I had a date
34:56with that Simone saw
34:57from the Cut Price Butchers.
34:59And she had a bag of liver
35:00for us.
35:02Knocked her on the head.
35:04Business comes first.
35:05Why, I'm not knocking
35:06Cassandra on the head.
35:07Look, you bought them.
35:09He blew them up.
35:10So it's YP, Derek.
35:11YP?
35:12Your problem.
35:15You dipstick.
35:18Come on, Albert.
35:19Get in the van.
35:20Why have I got to come in with you?
35:22I need you to help me
35:23carry them into dirty barriers.
35:29Don't keep worrying.
35:30We're in the van now.
35:31No one can see them.
35:33I hope you're right.
35:34Trust me.
35:36Have I ever put you wrong before?
35:37You are a liar, Rodney.
36:04Oh, Cassandra, that hurts me.
36:06I have never told
36:08an untruth in my life.
36:09I happen to come
36:10from an extremely honest family.
36:12You told me
36:13you lived in a great big house.
36:15Well, I do live
36:15in a great big house.
36:17Nelson Mandela house.
36:18You've got about
36:1970 flats in it.
36:20You can't get
36:20much bigger than that.
36:21I drove you home
36:22to where you claimed to live
36:24and it most certainly
36:24was not a council estate.
36:26It was a mansion.
36:27I mean, there was
36:28a brand new Mercedes
36:29in the front
36:29and most probably
36:30an Olympic-sized swimming pool
36:32at the back.
36:33And the people
36:34who owned the house
36:34came to the window
36:35and you had the go
36:36to wave at them.
36:37Yes, I remember.
36:39And I swore to myself
36:41that night
36:41that never again
36:42would I go out
36:43without my contact lenses.
36:45Oh, shut up.
36:49Enjoy your meal.
36:51No, well, you know,
36:55I saw your house
36:57and it looked so nice
36:58I decided
36:58I'd better sports a bit.
37:00You must have known
37:00I'd find out.
37:01No.
37:03Well, I didn't think
37:04I'd ever see you again.
37:05Why?
37:07I don't know.
37:08I just didn't.
37:10I wanted to see you again
37:11but did you want
37:14to see me again?
37:15Yes, I did.
37:16Why?
37:17Because I thought
37:17you lived in a great big house
37:18and had a Mercedes.
37:21Why did you want
37:22to see me again?
37:23Well, I wanted to see
37:25what you looked like
37:26once I had my contact lenses in.
37:28And?
37:32Well, it's come
37:33as a big disappointment,
37:34Cassandra, I'm sorry.
37:35I don't apologise.
37:36It happens all the time.
37:37I meet a guy,
37:38we get on well,
37:39he regains his sight,
37:40end of story.
37:42It's a tough world.
37:43I'd like to meet
37:46your brother.
37:51Why?
37:52Just the things
37:52you've told me about him.
37:54Seems like an interesting
37:54kind of person.
37:55Yes,
37:56they all can sometimes
37:57be interesting.
38:00Most of the time
38:01he's just baffling.
38:03Come on,
38:03come on.
38:04Why don't you take
38:11that thing off?
38:12You look like
38:12Little Red Riding Hood.
38:14I'm the only one
38:15round here recognising me.
38:16Who the hell's
38:17going to recognise you,
38:18eh?
38:19You might not believe it,
38:20but during the war
38:21I was quite a celebrity
38:22round these parts.
38:24It was because
38:24of all the medals
38:25I won,
38:25my bravery under fire.
38:27The only acts
38:27of bravery
38:28you ever performed
38:29were underwater.
38:30Right.
38:31Say someone
38:32saw us holding
38:33these things,
38:34they might ring
38:35the press
38:35and they'd have
38:36a field day
38:37walking with me
38:37being an old war hero.
38:40They'd call me
38:40one of those
38:40silly Fleet Street
38:42nicknames.
38:43They'd call me
38:44the old man
38:44of the PVC
38:45or something like that.
38:47Will you
38:47stop moaning?
38:51Who's there?
38:53Barry,
38:53it's me,
38:54Del Boy.
38:55Hold on.
38:55He's security
39:00conscious,
39:01isn't he?
39:03No,
39:03he's just
39:03moving some
39:04of his stock.
39:08Come in.
39:18Who's the monk?
39:21Yes,
39:22that's it.
39:22That's my Uncle
39:23Albert,
39:23he's all right,
39:24he's all right.
39:24So what's occurring,
39:26you buying
39:26or selling?
39:28Selling.
39:28Yeah,
39:29what?
39:31What?
39:31These,
39:32these things,
39:32of course.
39:33What do you think
39:34I'm doing,
39:34giving them
39:34a guided tour?
39:35Yeah,
39:35they're not the dolls
39:36the police
39:37are looking for,
39:38are they?
39:38Police?
39:39No,
39:39no,
39:39no,
39:40no,
39:40no,
39:40no.
39:40No,
39:41these come
39:41from up north.
39:42There's a shop
39:42I know
39:43that went out
39:43of business
39:44and I thought
39:44I'll get these
39:45for my mate
39:45Barry.
39:47Went out
39:48of business,
39:48did he?
39:49Yeah,
39:49it's happening
39:49everywhere,
39:50Del.
39:50The bottom's
39:51fallen out
39:51of this game.
39:54This man,
39:54you know,
39:54a bargain
39:55when you see
39:55one.
39:56Now,
39:56these are
39:56the finest
39:57quality,
39:57top of the range.
39:58They normally
39:58retail around
39:59the, what,
39:59the 70 quid mark.
40:01I'm selling
40:01them for 30
40:02quid each.
40:03Yeah,
40:03you're right,
40:04Del,
40:04they are cheap.
40:05Someone's
40:05going to get
40:06a bargain.
40:06No,
40:06no,
40:07not someone
40:07Barry,
40:08not someone
40:08you.
40:09No,
40:09it can do
40:10that.
40:11See,
40:11I had a visit
40:11from the council
40:12yesterday.
40:13They revoked
40:13me license,
40:14closed me down.
40:15Well,
40:15where am I
40:16going to get
40:16rid of them
40:16then?
40:16Well,
40:17nowhere,
40:17local.
40:18I mean,
40:18they're closing
40:18us all down.
40:19We're selling
40:20our stock,
40:20not buying.
40:22What about
40:22Soho?
40:23You won't have
40:23any joy there,
40:24mate.
40:24Their stock
40:25rooms are full.
40:26We sold them
40:27all our gear
40:27this morning.
40:29Now,
40:30I tell you,
40:31Maggie Thatcher's
40:32ruined this
40:32business.
40:33At last,
40:34someone's got
40:34something good
40:35to say about her.
40:38He's an old
40:39sailor.
40:40He's still got
40:41a bit of depth
40:41charge lodged
40:42in his brain.
40:43Come on,
40:44brother Albert.
40:47Just my luck,
40:54anyhow.
40:55If I could've
40:56bought them
40:56dolls a couple
40:57of days ago,
40:57I could've
40:58out of them.
40:59Instead of
41:00that,
41:00Dirty Barry
41:01and his mates
41:01have flooded
41:02the market.
41:03And whilst
41:03they got rid
41:04of their stock,
41:05I'm lumbered
41:06here with
41:06polythene
41:07Pam and
41:07vinyl Vera.
41:09Get off.
41:10I've got
41:11a headache.
41:12It's a much
41:13punishment,
41:13it is.
41:14Will you
41:14stop going
41:15on about
41:15God and
41:15voodoo and
41:16all that?
41:17shaking bones
41:19and waving
41:20shrunken heads
41:21about next?
41:25I know what
41:26we'll do.
41:28We'll hang
41:28on to them
41:29till the market
41:29picks up.
41:31I mean,
41:31it's only like
41:32the stock exchange,
41:33isn't it?
41:33You know,
41:34up and down,
41:34supply and demand,
41:35constantly fluctuating.
41:38We'll hang
41:38on to them
41:39and wait
41:39for the Big
41:40Bang.
41:40nice,
41:47madam.
41:48Oh.
41:52Can I give you
41:53a lift home?
41:53Oh,
41:54no,
41:54thank you.
41:55My mum warned me
41:56about girls like you.
41:57The lift time's
41:58all very well,
41:58but you'll expect
41:59a lot more
42:00than a good night
42:00kiss,
42:01won't you?
42:02And I am
42:02not that sort
42:03of boy.
42:04And I thought
42:05you were absurd.
42:06Look,
42:06I promise I won't
42:07try and unbutton
42:07your shirts
42:08or take
42:08your string vest
42:09off.
42:10Nah,
42:11it's all right.
42:11If you give me
42:12a lift home,
42:12you've got to go
42:13all the way
42:13around a one-way
42:14system,
42:15haven't you?
42:15I'll take a shortcut
42:16through the market.
42:17If you're sure.
42:18You be careful,
42:19though.
42:19Oh,
42:19look,
42:19the baddies
42:20don't frighten me.
42:21I'm streetwise,
42:22aren't I?
42:23Good.
42:25And watch out
42:26for unexploded
42:27inflatable dolls.
42:30Didn't you see
42:31it on the news
42:32tonight?
42:32No,
42:33I'll tell you
42:33it's on the plane.
42:33What?
42:34What'd they say?
42:34You know
42:35there's like
42:35creepy blow-up dolls
42:36you can buy?
42:37Yeah.
42:37What?
42:38Yes.
42:39There's a factory
42:40in Deptford
42:40that makes them
42:41and apparently
42:42a whole batch
42:42has gone missing
42:43that was accidentally
42:44filled with an
42:44explosive gas.
42:46No,
42:47no,
42:47no,
42:47no,
42:47no,
42:47no,
42:48no,
42:48shouldn't laugh.
42:49No,
42:50we shouldn't.
42:50They could prove
42:51potentially dangerous.
42:53Cassandra,
42:53I've got a car,
42:54I don't feel very well.
42:56What's wrong with you?
42:57Anything that matters,
42:58sir?
42:59No,
42:59it's all right,
43:00I just feel a bit
43:00sick.
43:03Look,
43:03I'll phone you,
43:03OK?
43:04Yes.
43:07That's the third
43:07complaint tonight.
43:10Where do we get
43:11those tomatoes from?
43:15Better not be having
43:16me on,
43:16Rodney.
43:17I'm not,
43:17but Lonnie's...
43:19Right in the mouth
43:20if you're pulling my leg.
43:21explosive gas.
43:37I've never heard
43:37of anything so doff.
43:39Shut up
43:39and keep spraying.
43:41right,
43:57right.
44:00Over there,
44:01over there,
44:02over there in the corner.
44:04Careful.
44:06All right?
44:08Follow him over here.
44:08Go on.
44:20Just dropping him off.
44:26I thought you said
44:27you heard a sussing sound.
44:29I did?
44:30I was making a funny noise,
44:31like something was going to happen.
44:32The only thing
44:37that's happened so far
44:38is poor old Mum's
44:39clothing's got all dirty.
44:41I should have to take it
44:42all down to dry cleaners
44:43now.
44:44Hell,
44:45them dolls are dangerous.
44:46They've been on the news
44:47everywhere.
44:48How do you know
44:49it was them dolls
44:50that they was talking about?
44:51I know,
44:52right?
44:52I just know.
44:53Well,
44:57the only thing
44:57that I know
44:58is I've got
44:5960 quid
45:00laying out
45:00over there.
45:01We're hanging about here
45:02like a couple of spare ones
45:03at a wedding.
45:07Oh,
45:07come on.
45:08I've had enough of this.
45:08Come on.
45:09Come on.
45:09See?
45:34Told them not to have
45:35the mat and vindaloo.
45:39Blumby,
45:47that could have
45:47happened anywhere,
45:48Rodders.
45:48Oh,
45:48no,
45:49we only just got rid
45:49of them in time.
45:50We was well lucky.
45:54No,
45:56it's not luck,
45:57Rodney.
45:58It's Mum.
46:00Mum?
46:01Yeah.
46:03She's up there
46:04somewhere
46:04watching over us.
46:08Oh,
46:09yeah.
46:09There's
46:13the old Icon going,
46:14is there?
46:21Oh,
46:22fucking
46:22oh.
46:29Okay.
46:30Here we go.
46:32Here we go.
46:35Here we go.