Original Broadcast Date: June 1st 2016
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TVTranscript
00:001, 2, 3, 4
00:30Well, in years to come people will ask
00:40Where were you when Bill Shorten debated Malcolm Turnbull at the National Press Club?
00:43And the answer will invariably be
00:45Watching Zoe make a smoky vanilla bean ice cream on MasterChef
00:49Now the honour of Speaking First had been settled in the lead-up to the debate
00:54Earlier today we had the toss of the coin
00:56And she's Taylor
00:57Arthur Sinodinos and Katie Gallagher represented their respective leaders
01:01And Arthur Sinodinos later denied any knowledge of where the coin came from
01:06Or where it ended up
01:07But to me the debate got a little personal
01:10So the reality is Labour has a plan for spending
01:13It has a plan for higher taxes
01:15It does not have anything to say about growth
01:19Now that's a bit cruel in my view
01:22They haven't said anything about growth because Bill can't say it
01:25Keeps coming out as growth
01:29Sounds something like a dog barking
01:33Malcolm on the other hand pronounced growth perfectly
01:36But I suppose when you're saying it at least 400 times a day you're bound to get good at it
01:40Although I'm not sure it's the right message
01:42Is growth such a good thing?
01:44I mean usually you try and have them removed
01:46Surely there are other words the PM can pronounce correctly
01:50To get us excited
01:51Confidence
01:52Australia
01:53It's future
01:54Money
01:55Sex
01:56Carpets
01:56I think he's onto something there
01:57But he better get onto it pretty damn quick
02:00Because according to our mad as hell jumbotron countdown display
02:03There's only a little over a month to go for this campaign
02:08And thanks also
02:10Can I thank our intern Barbara there for that update on the election day
02:14Anyway over a month is actually quite a long time
02:17And we have to pace ourselves
02:18It's not like America
02:19They've been campaigning since the end of January
02:21And the election's not until November
02:22Their leaders are used to long campaigns
02:24And I wonder if our leaders can learn anything from them
02:27I don't know what I said
02:29I don't remember
02:31Probably not
02:40Not that I'm suggesting our leaders need help
02:42Connecting with the people
02:44The latest polls have the parties about 50-50
02:46So they must be doing something half right
02:48But they both half do it in very different ways
02:51For example
02:52Malcolm rides on trains
02:54Bill's got his own bus
02:55Bill wears a red high-vis vest
02:57Malcolm wears a yellow one
02:59Bill likes lettuce
03:00Malcolm prefers oranges
03:02Malcolm likes unveiling statues
03:04Plaques and himself
03:05Bill prefers running away from journalists
03:09Throwing himself at women
03:10And hiding in his service elevator
03:12But maybe they need to go further
03:14To differentiate themselves from each other
03:16If they want to win majority
03:17So I wonder
03:18Maybe the new president of the Philippines
03:21Rodrigo Duterte
03:22Who won in a landslide
03:24Could teach our candidates
03:25That you need more than just three-word elections
03:27Slogans like putting people first
03:29And jobs and growth
03:30If they want to win our hearts
03:32Here's that 13-word one from Rodrigo
03:34That I think won the election for him
03:36You who are into drugs
03:38You sons of bitches
03:39I will really kill you
03:41I mean, maybe not for the major parties
03:44But I certainly think it's a good fit for David Lionhill
03:46Then again, maybe our leaders
03:49Maybe our leaders should follow Pauline Hanson's lead
03:54Dispense with slogans and debates
03:55And even policy
03:56And just wave at passing traffic from the roadside
03:59It's an interesting campaign tactic
04:02Also being used by this man
04:03Who is running against Christopher Pyne
04:05For the seat of Sturt
04:07Good luck to him
04:08The reality is, though
04:09That the major parties have so much in common
04:11In fact, they often help each other out
04:13By announcing each other's policies
04:15For example, here's the Treasurer, Scott Morrison
04:17Taking us through Labor's black hole policy
04:19Though granted, given it wasn't his policy
04:21He's a bit hazy on some of the finer points
04:23Admitting that his figures on Labor's planned inability
04:26To cost things properly
04:27Might be out by $35 billion
04:29Still, he was prepared to stick by Labor's black hole
04:33Even if it meant he was going to be sucked into it
04:35So there may be a black hole in your black hole, then?
04:38No, not at all
04:39But is he right about this aspect of his wrongness?
04:42Can a black hole not have a black hole?
04:44Professor of pedantics at Box Hill Tape
04:45Ian Orb Spider
04:46It's a vex question, Sean
04:48A black hole is essentially a piece of time
04:51In this case, Labor's six years in power
04:53From which light cannot escape
04:55Thus rendering it unobservable
04:56So it's no wonder that Labor can't see it coming
04:59And ScoMo can't quite make out the figures
05:01A more alarming analogy that the libs should use
05:05To scare the voters
05:05Is the event horizon
05:07Because crossing the event horizon
05:09Labor gaining power
05:11Has an enormous effect on the fate of the object crossing it
05:14Scott Morrison
05:15Although the object has no locally detectable features
05:19So it could be George Christensen
05:21Little girl, bring me that black hole
05:24Professor Ian
05:25If the economic black hole of $67 billion
05:29Or $32 billion can't be observed
05:31Then how do we know it really exists?
05:33Ah, Sean
05:33Although the black hole cannot be seen by the naked treasurer
05:36It is detectable, as NASA observes
05:42With space telescopes using special tools
05:45The question is
05:47Does the government have any special tools
05:49To help it find black holes?
05:51Well, I think we have footage of a special tool
05:53Helping the government find the black hole
05:54We've got news for Dr Harvey Smith, Mr Speaker
05:57If she thinks that's a monster
05:58Should you take a look at Labor's black hole, Mr Speaker?
06:02Well, thank you indeed, Professor Ian
06:04Thank you, Professor Sean
06:05Sean McAuliffe, you son of a bitch
06:10No, no, no, just in a minute
06:11In a minute, in a minute
06:12But even though on the surface of it
06:16It appears that the treasurer
06:17Is unable to add up a simple column of imaginary figures
06:20The parties are so supportive of each other
06:22It was Labor's Tony Burke
06:24Who rushed in to defend ScoMo
06:25They're not stupid people
06:27They know exactly what they're doing
06:30Yes, it's rare
06:31You see that sort of cross-chamber support
06:33And he certainly did seem pretty cross about it, didn't he?
06:36Then at the risk of bursting a blood vessel in his temple
06:38Tony went further
06:39And announced some Liberal Party policy of his own
06:41Liberal Party policies will be announced by the Liberal Party
06:45Amazing
06:48A Labor frontbencher announcing the Liberal's policy
06:53That the Liberal Party policies will be announced by the Liberal Party
06:56Some sort of record, too
06:59An election promise that is actually broken
07:01During its own announcement
07:02But the most extraordinary demonstration
07:06Of this interspecial breeding between political animals
07:09Was this extraordinary declaration
07:11Of what can only be described as love
07:13From our Finance Minister, Matthias Korman
07:16Bill Shorten is very caring
07:18And very much in touch
07:20And Bill Shorten, every single day
07:21Is promoting our national economic plan for jobs and growth
07:24See, that's great
07:25You see, you know, I think personally
07:27That marks the end of negative campaigning in this election
07:30But the best part of all of this was
07:32For us, Bill Shorten's reaction
07:34I guess Senator Korman's officially terminated
07:37Mr. Terminal's scare campaign
07:39And he's back
07:43Yes, four weeks it's taken
07:56But it certainly was worth the wait
07:57It had everything, didn't it?
07:59The newly minted observation
08:01That Matthias Korman sounds a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger
08:03A pop-cultural reference to a film that's 30 years old
08:07The way it didn't quite fit into what he was saying
08:09And that very, very Shorten-esque way
08:12He leans in and emphasises the punchline
08:14So we don't miss it
08:15I guess comedy is like riding a bike, isn't it?
08:18You can look like an idiot
08:19If you don't know how to do it properly
08:20Spokesberg for the Finance Minister
08:23Darius Horsham
08:24Do you think Matthias Korman would have enjoyed Bill's joke?
08:27I didn't get it
08:28I don't think Matthias sounds anything like Arnold Schwarzenegger
08:32You're terminated, oh, you're terminated
08:34Look at me, I'm terminated
08:36Ha, ha, big joke
08:37It's that sort of casual racism
08:39That's creating so many problems
08:41In our immigration policy in this country
08:43But Matthias does seem to have a sense of humour about himself, doesn't he?
08:47Indeed, I came here
08:48From a particular corner of the world
08:51I wasn't born here
08:52And of course I still speak with a funny accent
08:54As some people might say
08:56Matthias doesn't know what the hell he's talking about
09:00There's nothing funny about his accent at all
09:03It's perfectly normal
09:04All right, well, let's forget about the Terminator references
09:08What about Matthias' comments in support of Bill Shorten?
09:11Some people are suggesting he made a mistake
09:12And actually he meant to be talking about Malcolm Turnbull
09:15Sean, Matthias, unlike the Scott Morrison
09:17Does not make mistakes
09:19We all know he is programmed to eliminate Bill Shorten
09:22Before the Judgment Day 2016
09:24The only thing I can think of that has happened
09:26Is that someone in the future
09:28Or in an alternate timeline
09:29Has reprogrammed him to protect Bill Shorten in the sequel
09:34Otherwise, I agree with you
09:36It doesn't make any sense
09:38And if left unchecked later on in the franchise
09:40It could create some sort of temporal paradox
09:43All right, Darius, if I could ask you
09:45Please, a quick question on Medicare
09:47Look at my forehead
09:48Huh?
09:50Has somebody typed the word asshole?
09:52No, it's like Matthias says about Bill Shorten
09:55Bill Shorten is an economic girly man
09:58A Medicare rebate freeze is coming
10:03Watch the numbers in the marginal seats like Batman
10:05For they are the harbingers off your doom
10:07Well, thank you very much, Darius
10:09Fantastic
10:10It's interesting though, isn't it?
10:13With Labor candidates and MPs breaking ranks on immigration policy
10:16A black hole in Labor's costings
10:18And the member for Batman, David Feeney, running out of feet to shoot
10:21All the Coalition need do to win this election
10:23Is sit back and not do anything stupid
10:25Might I remind you that when we closed down
10:28The live animal export industry
10:32It was around about the same time that we started seeing a lot of people arriving in boats in Australia
10:37So what's the connection there?
10:40With the people arriving in boats just coming to take the live animals back themselves?
10:45Like some sort of Uber for cattle?
10:48Whatever's going on, it certainly looks like Mr Joyce is much happier with live animals leaving the country than coming in
10:53And to be fair to David Feeney, the shadow minister for justice and presumably irony
11:00Did have a much better week this week than last
11:03He well and truly put behind him the embarrassment of failing to declare a $2.3 million house
11:08With a redemptive interview on Sky News
11:11We'll later keep the school kids bonus
11:13The baby bonus
11:17The school kids bonus
11:18Well, you'd have to refer to our relevant shadow
11:21I've been a little distracted over the last few days
11:25Distracted with not only not knowing about a $2.3 million house
11:30But whether it was negatively geared
11:32Of course, you're not going to know something if your mind is busily occupied with something else you're completely unaware of
11:37There's only so much information you can fail to take in
11:40As he went on to prove, when he left the studio after the interview
11:44And accidentally left behind confidential talking points notes
11:47Telling him how to respond to questions about the fact that Labor's campaign material
11:51Was being produced in Bangladesh
11:52Now, I didn't know anything about this until now
11:57Nor, I think it's safe to assume, did David Feeney
12:00And like most of you, I don't know much about Bangladesh
12:03Because it's a country that I don't live in
12:05But I do know the country's national flag serves as a metaphor
12:09For David Feeney's political future in the seat of Batman
12:11A small circle of red surrounded by a sea of green
12:15Mind you, David Feeney is not the only member of the ALP to feel the heat this week
12:21Former New South Wales Labor boss, Jamie Clements
12:24Will face court next month accused of misusing the electoral roll
12:27After confidential information he supposedly handed to a disgraced former union boss
12:31Was used by an associate to threaten a man with a 9mm bullet
12:35Sergeant Max Payne, I imagine you take a dim view of this behaviour
12:39Yes, Sean, especially in a very low light
12:42No one deserves to be threatened by a bullet of any size
12:47Be it a 9mm bullet all the way through to a neutral bullet
12:49Alright, is leaving a bullet a typical intimidatory tactic
12:54Of associates of disgraced union officials
12:56Who are friends of state Labor bosses
12:58Facing court for misusing an electoral roll?
13:01Well, I think that's a bit of a generalisation, Sean
13:03Similar messages can be sent through the act of sabotage, for example
13:08I recall once hearing of a new apartment development
13:11In which a different wallpaper to the one the developer had specified
13:16Had been deliberately applied to every floor
13:19From the foyer all the way up to the penthouse
13:21It was wrong on so many levels
13:24Still to come, later in the show
13:33Our PM poses the question that all of Australia has been asking
13:37How old is your rat?
13:43This federal election, voting rules for the Senate have changed
13:46You'll have new ways to decide your preferences
13:49Number six boxes on your white Senate ballot paper
13:51Your white Senate ballot paper
13:53You can either number at least six boxes above the line
13:57Number at least six boxes above the line
14:02On the white Senate ballot paper
14:04Or you can number at least 12 boxes below
14:07Boxes
14:08Number at least 12 boxes
14:11Below the line for at least 12 boxes
14:15You can number at least 12 boxes
14:18Not with random numbers
14:21You can number at least 12 boxes on the white Senate ballot paper
14:26For individual candidates of your choice
14:29To find out more, visit aec.gov.that'stherongbot
14:33Another thing you're going to notice on the voting forms this election
14:40Are party logos
14:41This is part of the government's plan
14:43To make sure voters know precisely
14:45Which Senate nutcases they're voting for
14:47But I guess it's also going to help those voters
14:49Who might not have the time or the ability
14:51To read the name of the party of their preferred candidate
14:54Right marketing expert Marty Goldsmoove
14:56Brand recognition is important, Sean
14:59Now I've got some actual party logos for you to check out
15:02And I think you'd be like
15:03What at just how effective these designs are
15:06Alright, well I'm game, I'm game
15:07Now don't think about it
15:08When you FaceTime the logos
15:09Just give me the first party that pops into your head
15:11Okay, I'm ready
15:12Uh, Jim's mowing party
15:15No, that's negatory on that
15:17That's Ricky Muir's
15:18That's the Australian motoring enthusiast party
15:21Oh, sorry, sorry, no, right
15:22Yeah, okay, no, I was overthinking it
15:23Alright, try me again
15:24This one should be a bit easier
15:25Alright
15:26Uh, the urinating
15:29Pool Q-checking dog walking party
15:32No, no, that's shooters, fishers and farms
15:35Alright, so cheating though
15:36Have you read it though, isn't it?
15:36Well, it works a few levels this way
15:38You see how the shooter is aiming at shooters?
15:41Well, that did certainly attract my vote
15:43Try not to think too much about it
15:45Alright, okay, fire away
15:46Uh, alright, no, I've got it now
15:48No, yeah, the country liberals
15:50Uh, although why is there an interpretive dancer there?
15:52Uh, and why is he pointing to the O?
15:55Uh, maybe just to remind you not to leave it out when you're pronouncing it
15:59Makes sense
16:00You're smashing it
16:02Alright, thank you very much
16:03Alright
16:04Um, Shane Warne
16:06Yeah, fair enough
16:09Alright
16:09And, uh, finally
16:10Um, oh, uh, the, um
16:13The computer mouse spoon
16:16Shoe travelling at a great distance party
16:21The bullet trains for Australia party
16:24Alright, well, shouldn't I have a per hour there?
16:27Well
16:27Well, it spoils it if you have to spell everything out
16:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right
16:32Thanks, Marty
16:33That's very interesting
16:33Well, time now for us all to do a little bit of living within our means
16:38I want money
16:41Hmm
16:43Well, if you Google the words
16:45Trickle Down Economics Australia
16:46And scroll through the results
16:48You'd be convinced that absolutely everybody is talking about it right now
16:51But what is it and when?
16:54To stop everyone going on about it incessantly
16:56Is something of an expert on this economic policy
16:58Sydney Exhibition Centre janitor
16:59And minimum wage recipient
17:01Gareth McTroubadour
17:02Yeah, Sean, it's very simple
17:04Trickle Down Economics is like when someone pours champagne into a tower of glasses
17:09And a bloke like me gets paid 17 bucks an hour to mop up the spillage
17:12Now, over time the revellers become more and more confident
17:16They try and build the tower bigger and bigger
17:18But the weight of the champagne
17:20The precariousness of the enterprise
17:21Causes the whole thing to collapse
17:23And it takes two or three of us to mop it all up
17:25That's jobs from growth right there
17:27Thank you, Gareth
17:30You're welcome
17:31Well, what about the big end of town?
17:33It's all very well banging on about not wanting to be a nanny state
17:36But what about when some of the children in this unattended creche behave like turds?
17:41Yes, ASIC's child mining rate has been increased
17:43So it can look after the special needs kids like the banks
17:47But what's to stop them ultimately passing on the cost of that $120 billion levy to customers?
17:53Australian Banking Association spokes teller, Vana Carpathian
17:56Sean, as we've said, we have zero intention of doing anything like that
18:00And when you say zero, do you in fact mean 2%?
18:03No, Sean, it's business as usual for us at the banks
18:06Yes, well that's hardly reassuring
18:07Customers who go into any branch tomorrow
18:09Or preferably log on at home
18:11Or if they must talk to someone
18:12Ring our automated voice service
18:13Will find themselves receiving the same quality banking
18:16With the only additional item being
18:18Enhanced consumer protection
18:20All right, well let's say that I'm elderly and infirm
18:22No argument here
18:23And I want to come in and
18:25Oh, I'm on a break
18:28Liesel will be with you in one moment
18:30This one is trouble
18:38Can I help you?
18:57Yes, I was just saying to the lady before
19:00That let's say I'm elderly and infirm
19:02No argument there
19:03And I want to come in to the bank
19:06Rather than yell prompts into a phone
19:08Or poke at a keyboard with my arthritic fingers
19:10Well, you'll still be offered the same friendly service as usual
19:14And if you've got a sweet tooth
19:15We'll still have the same delightful mints on the front counter
19:18To give the impression that we care about the community
19:21All right, so they're for charity, are they?
19:24Charity, yeah
19:25Well, all right
19:27Maybe just one packet
19:29$15, thanks, Sean
19:30Seems a bit expensive
19:32Already pay swiped
19:33Thanks, Sean
19:34I haven't even taken the credit card out of the wallet
19:37Very sensitive, our machines
19:39Back at the bank
19:41And still able to read your card
19:43And your mind
19:45Thank you very much, Liesel
19:47And coming up a bit later
19:49Sport
19:50Last weekend, Sydney's Northern Suburbs Football Association
19:53Staged its Silent on the Sidelines initiative
19:55Which encourages parents to refrain from shouting instructions
19:58And abusing players and officials
20:00At children's sporting events
20:01I talked to a parent and their child about what it was like
20:04So it made it more enjoyable for you?
20:07Yeah, and everyone feels safe
20:09And it's just a great idea
20:10Okay, and Jai, what did you think of it?
20:13Uh, go on
20:14Tell him
20:15Well, tell him
20:18Tell him
20:18Tell him
20:19It was sort of pretty good
20:21No, no, no, not like that
20:23Use the words that I told you
20:24Hey, hey, hey
20:25I think it's a bit unnecessary, isn't it?
20:26You, mind your
20:27And coming up after Sean McAuliffe's mad as hell
20:34Take a magical tour of Mexican laundromats
20:36With an English comedian you might remember from 30 years ago
20:40While over on ABC2
20:41Father Brown threatens Telstra
20:43That if they continue to support gay marriage
20:45There are plenty of other telecommunications companies
20:48The Catholic Church can use
20:49When giving their evidence to royal commissions
20:51By relay
20:51Instead of flying back to appear in person
20:53Welcome back
20:57Well, what's left of the staff at Fairfax
20:59May be going on strike again
21:00In light of last week's forced redundancies
21:02According to my preferred news source
21:04The World Socialist website
21:0630 editorial staff at the Sydney Morning Herald are going
21:09And this only a month after announcing that the Canberra Times
21:12Would be redesigned into a more compact format
21:15Presumably the smaller size to accommodate the smaller staff
21:18Fairfax Bureau bottom drawer cardamom pie
21:20It's simple for economics, Sean
21:22You just ask any of our former business writers
21:24Now doing spec work for Mamma Mia
21:26But how can quality not be sacrificed
21:29When you're getting rid of 120 people nationwide?
21:31Quality and quantity are two different words, Sean
21:34Although, granted, largely interchangeable
21:36Now the sub-editors are gone
21:37There's no point swimming up the revenue stream to lay eggs
21:40We need to cross-fertilise with news aggregators
21:43Like Huffington Post and PopSugar
21:44They offer low-cost, high-yield platforms for us to dive off
21:48And we'd be fools not to rush into bed with them
21:50Alright, graphics sub-editor from the Daily Telegraph, Chris Lorax
21:53How have News Corp managed to keep their heads above water?
21:56Well, have you seen our front pages lately, Sean?
21:57No
21:58By reducing the text content to almost nil
22:00We match our customers' desire to read with our staff's ability to write
22:03Plus, by using Photoshop rather than photographs
22:07We don't have to pay someone to go out and take pictures of things that are actually happening
22:11Alright, so in what way is Bill Shorten like Willy Wonka?
22:15Oh, in the way that his head sort of fitted onto the Photoshop body
22:19We'd like to get into a sleeping bag with Channel 9
22:22That JV with Stan was a godsend for our newspaper delivery sign-up
22:26It's a fire cry, Sean, from when I was a paperboy
22:28Out the crack of sparrows on my bike
22:30Collecting money after school
22:32A glass of milk sometimes
22:33Or an open brunch coat if she didn't have enough change
22:36No worries, Mrs O'Hennessy
22:38You can fix me up next week
22:40Punctuation is irrelevant
22:42Haven't you ever read James Joyce Cardamom, you ignoramosaurus?
22:45Can't you just see the multi-platform swollen rivers of gold
22:48As we nail our colours to the quantity nine jump and repeats
22:51And now you're back in the wedding and Renault's got rumble
22:54Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and our RSS scene
22:58Book now a kick attack
22:59See, Billy Shorten and the Promise Factory might have actually worked better
23:10Or have you just picked Willy because Bill is a diminutive of William
23:14Look, I don't know
23:15You've got to make these fucking newspapers every day
23:17You can't expect us to put any thought into something that disposable
23:20This is the future of print media, Sean
23:23Smaller than a tabloid
23:24Able to fit directly onto the iPhone 7 screen
23:27And written entirely by Twitter box in Malaysia
23:29You've misspelled fapping
23:31But not all media is dying
23:49And it's them we now salute with a pat on the back
23:52That hurt
23:53By the media Sasquatch
23:56Now, full disclosure here
24:01I enjoy Andrew Bolt's Channel 31 show
24:04I think it's great that he's giving up his time to help people
24:08Who clearly know nothing about television production
24:10Practice audio and lighting and rolling in clips
24:13It's as slipshod and unwatchable as any primary school production of The Elephant Man
24:17But I enjoy it
24:18But a couple of weeks back, in an extraordinarily self-revealing moment
24:23He gave us this candid insight into his incredible work ethic
24:26I work more than 70 hours a week, seven days a week
24:29Not only does the man work 70 hours a week
24:32He does this every single day
24:34And it's refreshing to hear that he has the same disregard for the laws of time
24:40As he does about the niceties of political correctness
24:42But I was concerned by his next revelation
24:45I get paid, say, $200
24:48Say, for preparing tonight's editorial
24:51This one
24:52Now, we fellow travellers in the sitting behind a desk and talking industry
24:56Have to look out for one another
24:58And the fact that Andy is apparently getting paid cash in hand in you's twenties
25:01Does make me worry that he's being exploited
25:05Of course, an uncharitable person might point out that
25:08If your editorial is just you showing us the money you earned for writing the editorial
25:13Then perhaps the money wasn't deserved in the first place
25:15And then perhaps if Andrew was paid properly
25:17Then he'd be able to afford a better quality metaphor
25:19But then have a look at this
25:22Then comes the taxman and says he wants half of my money
25:26Here's the share that goes on
25:28Welfare handouts, disability payments, the dole
25:3120, 40
25:32My money again
25:33And then there's the students with their hands out
25:36The public servants
25:37The whole catastrophe
25:39Now, did anyone else notice that Andrew's tax and income wind up back in the same pile?
25:49Interesting
25:50Yes, worthy of your applause
25:52It's brilliant stuff
25:53Andrew is acknowledging that by making a living
25:55Complaining about the government spending
25:57He too is dependent on welfare
25:58I smell a logie
26:01I've rung maintenance about it
26:04But they still haven't done anything
26:05Unfertilised chicken ovums
26:09The perfect meal for humans in need of protein
26:12And so-called good cholesterol
26:14But to assuage our guilt at consuming something so disgusting
26:17We prefer to have the box labelled free range
26:20But what does this mean?
26:21And who says
26:22And so what anyway?
26:23Fart McCaskill has more
26:25According to the federal government
26:30These ancient descendants of the dinosaur must have
26:33A meaningful and regular access to the outdoors
26:36This causes a problem for the agoraphobic hens collective
26:40My babies like staying inside most of the time because of their mental problems
26:43I mean you can bring a horse to water
26:45But he's going to find it very hard to drink without a beak
26:48Figuratively speaking
26:50Literally two
26:51These poor animals are institutionalised
26:53By who?
26:54By me
26:55I mean someone's got to do it
26:56I feel sorry for them
26:58Born in captivity
26:58Under constant light
27:00So that they always think it's day
27:01So they lay twice as many eggs
27:02I mean yeah I could put a door on their cage and mean somehow I'll get them out and about
27:06But what would be the point?
27:06They've got no legs
27:07Why don't they have any legs?
27:10I had them removed
27:12For space
27:13The new regulations mean that for eggs to be free range
27:16There must be only one hen per square metre
27:18Which means there's a limit of 10,000 hens for every hectare
27:22For Camillo Zenobia of not very lucrative farms
27:25This isn't enough
27:26I own this apartment block
27:29And Claude here lives in it by himself
27:31He's free to come and go as he pleases
27:33I have a car available to take him to the pictures
27:35Or the market
27:36Or to visit friends
27:37Or to go tadpolling
27:39Or to the pub
27:41Or the races
27:41Or a concert
27:42Or paintballing
27:44Or to the optometrist
27:45Or maybe to the aquarium
27:47Or dancing
27:48Or a hike or something
27:49Or to go skateboarding
27:51Or to give blood
27:52Or to go for a bit of a gargle
27:54Or to have lunch
27:55Or maybe check out the rooftop garden
27:58On that abandoned peanut factory
28:00Or perhaps he has an appearance in court
28:03Or an appointment with his accountant
28:04Or church
28:06Or to buy clothes
28:07Or go to the fair
28:08Any number of things
28:09I don't want to go into too much detail
28:11Obviously
28:11I mean that's his business
28:13My business
28:14Is getting eggs out of him
28:16Which is hard enough
28:17With as much space as he's got now
28:19I'd hate to think what it'd be like for him
28:21If he lived with other chickens
28:2210 years I've had him
28:24Not a single egg
28:25Still
28:26We're easing into it
28:27Aren't we boy
28:28Might the problem be that his are males?
28:33Possibly
28:33I don't want to force traditional gender roles on him
28:37I mean he's never even had sex
28:39As far as I'm aware
28:39Have you clawed my darling boy?
28:42For Tobina Crestfallen
28:45Of Sunnyside all natural produce
28:47The changes have meant
28:48That she's going to have to close down
28:50And move into another line of business
28:52I just can't compete
28:54With the big manufacturers
28:55I mean Coles will buy all their products
28:57Cheaper from the 10,000 per hectare farms
28:59And the little guys like me
29:00Who started the free range market
29:02In the first place
29:03Will get squeezed out
29:04What are you going to do?
29:06Well I'm going to open a detention centre in Nauru
29:08The children are all free range now
29:10There's only one other competitor
29:11And there's a lot less regulation
29:12Well not coming up
29:16Because Lawrence Mooney's on in a minute
29:17So we'll use them online as clickbait
29:19You won't believe what these ex-tassy loggers
29:22Do for work now
29:2418 times this bust didn't give a fuck
29:27Number 5 will make you smack your mama
29:29And get a flatter tummy
29:31Using this one weird trick
29:33Well finally as you know
29:37I'm a big fan of Malcolm Turnbull
29:39Smooth operator
29:41Smooth operator
29:46But you have to feel sorry for him
29:50Don't you these days
29:50There he is
29:51A highly successful merchant banker
29:53And barrister
29:53Reduced to trying to shore up his popularity
29:55By blowing the whistle
29:57On a Puffing Billy steam train
29:58And delivering god awful puns
30:01Steaming ahead
30:02For more growth
30:03And more jobs
30:04Where's the man
30:06Who could do this
30:07To Michaelia Cash
30:08I assume she's laughing there
30:12Not having some sort of seizure
30:13Steaming ahead
30:16I mean even Bill Shorten
30:17At his most abysmal
30:18Wouldn't touch that sort of material
30:19I think his scare campaign
30:21Is running out of puff
30:22It makes you long
30:31For the days of John Howard
30:32Doesn't it
30:32There's a guy
30:33Who knows what's funny
30:34Don't make him like me
30:35Good night
30:39Jive baby
30:42How old is your rock
30:46How old is your rock
30:46How old is your rock