Original Broadcast Date: August 9th 2017
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TVTranscript
00:00Good day, good day, good day, good day!
00:30Well, thank you.
00:39Now, the holidays are over and Parliament is sitting again
00:43and I'm sure that, like me, you're breathing a sigh of relief
00:45because it's so hard to find activities to keep them occupied, isn't it?
00:49Whether it's a trip to WA to sort out the GST
00:51or a tour on a light plane to see what's left of the Murray-Darling Basin,
00:55even popping along to an Indigenous music festival
00:57to not commit to constitutional reform.
01:00It's never enough and they always end up fighting with each other.
01:04Thank God the Liberal Party are back in Canberra
01:06where they can direct all their hatred and rage
01:08at someone who deserves it, the Senate.
01:11And I am genuinely happy that they sorted out this whole gay marriage thing.
01:15And when I say sorted it out,
01:17I mean handballed the whole thing back to us again.
01:19When I say handball, I don't mean to imply
01:21that anyone is treating this issue like a political football.
01:24Although it is interesting to have a bit of a match review
01:29to see how we've ended up back to where we are.
01:32Tony Abbott, after repeatedly attacking Turnbull's flank
01:34following Chris Pine's defence of gay marriage a month back,
01:37switched positions mid-game
01:39and started defending the sensible centre-forward,
01:41saying that crossing the floor on gay marriage
01:44would be a serious attack on the authority of the leadership.
01:46And this after Turnbull himself exercising his authority as leader
01:50said Liberal MPs had the right to cross the floor on gay marriage.
01:53So, nice play there from Abbott.
01:56Sold the dummy beautifully.
01:58But Turnbull, having separated his team into moderates and conservatives,
02:01was facing not only Abbott but also Dutton, Cormann and Christensen,
02:05pushing for the postal vote.
02:06Abetz and co-pushing for the plebiscite.
02:08Wilson, Zimmerman, Ench, Smith and Evans
02:10supporting a private members bill.
02:12And the Nationals' Andrew Broad threatening to quit
02:14if there was a vote on it.
02:15Then, out of the blue comes Shorten,
02:17bit quiet in the first half,
02:18supporting Wilson, Zimmerman, Ench, Smith and Evans
02:21on gay marriage.
02:22But then, surprising the crowd by actually announcing some policies.
02:26The last thing that anyone was expecting at the Labour Party conference.
02:29Nice one, Bill.
02:31But Big Pete Dutton,
02:32who suggested the postal vote on gay marriage in the first place
02:34and happened to answer the phone in his new super-ministry office on the weekend,
02:38he was moving some plants in,
02:39got a tip-off about a terrorism plot
02:41and successfully pushed what Bill announced off the front page for a couple of days.
02:45But all credit to the Libs.
02:47Malcolm and Tony and the rest of the team pulling themselves together in the final minutes
02:52and by the end of the game, no-one had scored.
02:55It was all the media's fault.
02:56And even Wilson, who gay marriage actually affects personally,
02:59wanted to talk about something else.
03:01I've said everything I have to say on this issue
03:04and I make no plans to make any other comment.
03:06At this time, I'd rather talk about something else
03:09that actually matters to the Australian population.
03:11The economy, energy prices,
03:13what's going on with Labour's tax slug.
03:15You pick it, I'm happy to talk about it.
03:17I've said what I've said on this issue.
03:19And we'll talk about the economy, energy prices
03:22and what's going on with Labour's tax slug in a moment.
03:24But I do want to talk about this postal plebiscite we look at getting
03:28because there is some concern that it might not be constitutional
03:31or that the postal system isn't reliable
03:33or the integrity of the vote can't be guaranteed.
03:36Although, if an IS bomb kit can arrive here unopened, unchecked and intact,
03:40although from Turkey, I think we should be all right.
03:43But if it is unconstitutional,
03:45I say why not use the programme
03:47the federal government already has in place
03:49to screen us for bowel cancer.
03:52Just send it to everybody
03:53and include another box to tick at the end of the questionnaire.
03:56Oh, and by the way,
03:57do you think gay people should be allowed to marry?
03:59Then pop it all in an envelope
04:01and send it off to Peter Dutton for processing.
04:03I think that should work well.
04:05Plus, all this carry-on we've had to put up with for the last two months
04:08should help provide us with our sample.
04:12But let's look at, as Tim Wilson suggests,
04:15something else that actually matters to the Australian population
04:18and that has nothing to do with gay marriage.
04:20Inequality.
04:22Because ultimately, and just one more thing,
04:24it's not a question of what we think about gay marriage, is it?
04:27It's a question of what we think about being asked
04:29what we think about gay marriage.
04:31Of a recent news poll in which most people said
04:33they actually wanted a plebiscite,
04:35Bill Shorten reckoned if it was a poll
04:37which asked Australians whether they'd just like to see
04:39the marriage equality debate resolved,
04:40there'd be big support for that.
04:42Because, quite frankly, the issue's been talked to death
04:44and many Australians are now sick and tired of it.
04:47So it's good to resolve the issue of gay marriage,
04:49not because we believe it in an inclusive society
04:51or because we want to preserve the tradition of marriage,
04:54but just so we're not bored to death by it anymore.
04:57And I have to say,
04:59it's refreshing to see a politician sensitive
05:01to how issues like this affect people.
05:03But Bill's also very concerned about inequality.
05:07We've been hearing that word a lot these days,
05:09as this recent speech from Bill proves.
05:12Inequality.
05:13Inequality.
05:14Inequality.
05:14Inequality.
05:15Inequality.
05:19Those were edited highlights, obviously.
05:21Personally, I think Bill works best
05:23when his material isn't edited
05:24and he's given time to build to a big boffo finish,
05:27as at this book launch with Gary Sweet.
05:30It's also great to be here with Gary.
05:32I've always wanted to do a gig which was short and sweet.
05:35Yeah.
05:45OK, maybe I was wrong.
05:46But if you know your history,
05:49banging on about inequality can lead to great things,
05:51be it the French Revolution,
05:53where Donnie and Marie Antoinette got to eat cake,
05:55or when John Lennon and Harpo Marx invaded Russia.
05:59But these days, inequality has...
06:01It's become the political byword in Western world politics,
06:05and it's made rock stars out of white-haired men.
06:09Although, speaking on behalf of white-haired men,
06:12I should point out that we're the ones
06:14that caused the inequality in the first place.
06:16But now the faceless men of Labor, Bill,
06:19want to join the white-haired men in fighting it.
06:22But interestingly, haired men like Scott Morrison
06:24say there's nothing to fight.
06:26But this idea that people and inequality and incomes
06:31has been going in the wrong direction,
06:33that's not brought out by the facts.
06:34Note that he didn't say inequality isn't increasing,
06:37just that it isn't going in the wrong direction.
06:39Scott may be suggesting that increasing inequality
06:42is the right direction for it to go in.
06:44Of course, it's very easy to reduce these sorts of debates
06:47about class to the gap between the haves and the have-lesses.
06:50But what about the have-not-enoughs and the never-hads?
06:53Professional equivocator, Runcible Spoon.
06:55Absolutely short.
06:59This should be a national conversation we need to have
07:02about inequality versus in-equantity.
07:06Do we build a bridge over the fight and avoid it completely?
07:10Or do we bring the have-lesses down or up, no judgement,
07:14to the level of the have-nots?
07:16Or do we have the have-not-enoughs dropped down
07:19or ascend to the level of the never-hads?
07:22And what about the never-wants or the so-rich-it-doesn't?
07:25Matters.
07:27Bills advocat and lemonading an increase in wages,
07:31the abolition of negative gearing,
07:33of family trusts,
07:34corporations actually paying tax.
07:37Scott saying,
07:38in-equantity, hashtag, is life in the free enterprise jungle.
07:44Wealth only exists relative to non-wealth
07:47and meeting in the middle of a level playing field
07:49where everyone gets a kick can only exist
07:52if there's no contest and everyone has their own ball.
07:55Well, thank you very much indeed, Runcible.
07:59And please accept, on behalf of our major sponsor tonight,
08:02the Liberal Party assortment.
08:04Chocolates with a sensible centre.
08:07Just one, just one.
08:08Just one.
08:08APPLAUSE
08:09Well, it's good to see Bill in the news again.
08:17It's a reminder that as the Liberal Party tears itself several new ones,
08:20the Labour Party is sticking with its old one.
08:23But with a renewed seriousness of purpose.
08:25And I'm not just saying that because it's in some groupthink email
08:28I got from ABC Management this week.
08:30I mean, it was in there, obviously,
08:32but I wanted to say it anyway.
08:34Here is a man who means business.
08:37Here he is showing Lee Sayles
08:38that he hasn't come on her show
08:39for the usual hail, comrade, come the revolution,
08:42soft interview, dusty Irish puff piece
08:44that we've come to expect from ABC News journalism.
08:48The opposition leader, Bill Shorten, joins me now from Melbourne.
08:50Good to have you on again.
08:51Good evening, Lee.
08:52If you become the Prime Minister at the next election,
08:54ultimately your first thank you note
08:56will have to be to the Liberal Party, won't it,
08:57to say thanks for giving you such a cakewalk to the Lodge?
09:00It'll be to the people of Australia if they vote for us.
09:05Yeah.
09:06I mean, he's so masterful now, isn't he?
09:08No smile, no small talk, no witty badinage,
09:12no wit at all, really.
09:13And why should he?
09:14After all, it's 7.30 he's on.
09:17He doesn't have to debase himself like Albo does
09:19on that thing that Karl Stefanovic hosts
09:20when he has to pretend that he likes Christopher Pyne
09:23or nod along dumbly with every inane bit of rubbish
09:26that tumbles out of Cochi's constantly open mouth
09:28or whatever that other show is.
09:30Still, some, like Tony Abbott,
09:32have found Bill a little cocky lately.
09:35Mathias Cormann, too, has commented on Bill's cockiness,
09:37finding his aspirations for residents in the Lodge unseemly.
09:41He's certainly...
09:42He's already measuring the curtains and the carpets
09:45and anything in between.
09:48Spokespoke for Mathias Cormann, Darius Horsham,
09:50what between the curtains and the carpet would be worth measuring?
09:52Plenty of things, Sean.
09:54The rain skating, the power outlets,
09:56that thing that you plug the cable TV into,
09:58the mouse holes, maybe the windowsills,
10:01if the curtains are particularly short.
10:03Those draft excluders snakes with the beads in them.
10:06Yeah.
10:06Draft excluders would be behind the door, though, surely.
10:09Well, not between the curtains and the carpet.
10:10Well, sometimes the cat might play with them over there, Sean.
10:14Anyway, Mathias's point is that Bill is getting very cock-sure of himself,
10:18Lodge-wise, and if there's one thing us Aussies don't like,
10:22it's when you get too cock-sure about something,
10:24or worse, have cock-certainty about it.
10:27We like our politicians to be a little bit self-deprecator-y
10:31and they're not so big that they are overflowing their boots.
10:34That's why the voters love it when Mathias makes jokes in his interviews,
10:38that makes him appear human.
10:41And the problem that the Labour Party has to die
10:44is that Bill Shorten is an economic girly man.
10:51He got that from a television show.
10:54They keep playing.
10:55Well, I treasure it.
10:57Our treasurer, Scott Morrison, says that Bill Shorten's interested
11:00in the politics of envy instead of the economics of opportunity,
11:03which, you know, sounds pretty good on a T-shirt,
11:05but what does it actually mean?
11:07Scott means it's like when you go into a biker bar
11:09and you see a man wearing a leather jacket and pants that you like
11:13and you say, your clothes, give them to me now.
11:17It's what Scott calls the flat-earth argument
11:20that you're doing worse because somebody else is doing better.
11:23All right, so if I have something that you don't,
11:25me giving it to you takes away from what I have,
11:27and that's not fair.
11:29Whereas, if you give me the opportunity
11:31to have what it is that you have that I don't,
11:33then I'm not taking anything from you
11:35and I can have the chance to experience
11:37what it is that you have that I've been missing out on,
11:39be it a job or wealth or investment opportunities.
11:42Marrying someone you're in love with?
11:45Sure, and the Australian population aren't interested in that.
11:47They are interested in the economy and the energy prices
11:51and Bill Shorten's tax slug eating your money.
11:54Thank you, Darius.
11:54Fantastic.
11:55Well, Darius is right.
11:56Let's talk about the economy and being able to pay our bills.
11:59In fact, if there's one thing Australians love about their politicians,
12:03it's when they give us advice about how to manage our household budgets.
12:06On buying a home, for example,
12:08our Prime Minister at the moment, Malcolm Turnbull, reckons this.
12:11It's not rocket science.
12:13If you're buying your own home,
12:14not to buy it with an interest-only mortgage.
12:18Oh, of course.
12:20And here we were all thinking
12:22that sometimes people didn't have a choice.
12:24Unlike rocket science,
12:26you can just pay down your mortgage
12:28with the money that you have left over after taxes,
12:30food, education, health, power, insurance, clothing, phone,
12:33internet, car, petrol, haircuts and streaming services
12:36that don't work properly
12:37because of the similarly not rocket science
12:39or even entry-level telecommunications NBN.
12:42However, unlike the NBN,
12:44this sort of financial thinking isn't Malcolm's idea.
12:47It's just...
12:47Common sense financial advice your grandmother would have given you.
12:51Unfortunately, he said this just as a report was being released
12:53that said Australian women retire
12:55with half as much superannuation as men.
12:58Now, I'm not saying your grandmother
12:59doesn't know anything about finance,
13:01but mine can barely find her teeth
13:03when we go round to visit her.
13:05No, I'm joking. I'm joking.
13:08We never go round to visit her.
13:10The fact is that superannuation, the system,
13:13was designed to benefit working fathers.
13:15So what I am saying is that
13:16if you are a young working man,
13:18your justifiably angry grandmother
13:20might give you bad advice out of spite.
13:23Assuming, of course, she's legally allowed
13:25to give you that advice in the first place
13:27because unless she has an Australian Financial Services licence,
13:30she could be looking at a $22,000 fine
13:33or two years in prison.
13:36And even if she owns her own home
13:38instead of being in one, like I assume mine is,
13:40then being elderly, it's arguable
13:43that she has more of an interest
13:44in short-term capital gains on that asset
13:46rather than the long-term stability of the housing market
13:48and may, therefore, be likely to give you
13:51the advice that contributes
13:52to the inflationary pressures on house prices.
13:54Exactly the kind of thinking
13:55that got us into this housing crisis in the first place.
13:58You want to be ashamed of yourself.
14:01Naughty nonna, naughty!
14:04No, it's all right, it's all right.
14:05She can barely speak English.
14:08Nonna, Nonna, Nonna, if you're watching, I'm joking.
14:11I am joking.
14:12Although I don't know how you could be watching
14:14because we made you sell your television
14:16to pay for your medicine, didn't we?
14:17Naughty, Nonna, naughty, Nonna.
14:21Ooh, naughty, Nonna.
14:24Yes, no, listen.
14:27Nonna, you go.
14:29Go and get nurse to take you to bed.
14:34It's all right, she's dead.
14:36Someone else who may have been naughty
14:40is the Commonwealth Bank,
14:42who, while they've posted a record profit
14:44of almost $10 billion,
14:46may also be facing a trillion-dollar fine
14:48for money laundering.
14:50A trillion-dollar fine would put rather a crimp
14:52in the dividends and bonuses for this year,
14:53wouldn't it, Commonwealth Bank?
14:54Tell her, Liesl prone.
14:57Just a moment, please.
14:58A trillion-dollar fine would put rather a crimp
15:20on the dividends and bonuses for this year,
15:22wouldn't it?
15:22What number are you?
15:26Number three.
15:27Yeah, if you wouldn't mind just waiting
15:29until your number's called.
15:46Well, a trillion-dollar fine
15:49would put rather a crimp in the dividends
15:51and bonuses for this year, wouldn't it?
15:53Well, Sean, what you have to understand
15:55is that the Comm Bank is one of the big four.
15:57It's too big to fail.
15:59So this trillion-dollar fine
16:01may as well be a $10 trillion fine.
16:03The government will bail us out, pay the fine,
16:05the money goes back into government coffers
16:07for next time.
16:08And our shareholders get their dividends,
16:10our executives get their bonuses,
16:11and our customers, some of whom may not be
16:14drug cartels and terrorists,
16:15pay their usual fees and charges.
16:18But arguably, the dividends you're paying shareholders
16:20are proceeds of crime.
16:22Why isn't that money being forfeited
16:23and the fines paid from the bank's legitimate profits,
16:25assuming there are any?
16:27My point is, why should the taxpayer foot the bill?
16:30Well, Sean, it's not taxpayer money
16:32when the government transfers the money into our account.
16:34According to our records, it then becomes our money.
16:37We then transfer that money,
16:38less our usual fees and charges,
16:40to Austrac after any judgment against us.
16:43Then that gets transferred,
16:44less our usual fees and charges,
16:46and maybe a few others, depending on how we feel,
16:48into the government's general revenue accounts
16:50when the fines get paid.
16:51Yes, but I...
16:52And that money is then held in a scrow
16:54until NAB, ANZ or Westpac gets sprung.
16:57Or maybe us again.
16:58It's all perfectly legal, ongoing,
17:00and most importantly, ties up monies
17:01that might otherwise be available
17:03to fund a royal commission into the banking system.
17:07Thank you, Liesl.
17:08And coming up a little later in the show,
17:10our special report on the fear
17:12that many Australian parents have
17:13that their children will never move out of home.
17:15Well, I don't know how much longer
17:18we can put up with this, to be honest.
17:20I'm 70 and Cliff's 72,
17:22but what choice have we got?
17:23We're not happy with this arrangement,
17:25and I know Mum and Dad
17:26would love to see us get our own place
17:28at some point.
17:30Mm.
17:31Well, Senator Michaelia Cash,
17:33the Minister for...
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35LAUGHTER
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37The Minister for Facial Muscle Employment
17:43was back in Perth last week meeting the locals.
17:46Lovely to meet you, Yoy.
17:47How are you, Yoy?
17:49And as Yoy might be aware,
17:51she was spruiking the achievements
17:53of the government's PATH internship programme.
17:55Here she is again.
17:57MUSIC PLAYS
17:58And here she is, more helpfully,
18:03talking about how the internships are going.
18:05We've had over 1,500 commence internships.
18:09£1,500, not bad after only four months,
18:12though not quite on track
18:14to meet the promised £30,000 a year.
18:17Though, as Michaelia made clear
18:19when this was pointed out to her,
18:20well, it was always up to £30,000.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:23Communications Director for Senator Cash,
18:26Mary Brett, punished.
18:26What's gone wrong?
18:27Why are so few flocking
18:29to earn less than the minimum wage?
18:31Well, Sean, let's not forget
18:33that so far it's only been four months
18:36and then there are another eight months to go
18:38before the end of the year.
18:40On current trends,
18:41we are looking at up to 4,500 internships,
18:44which is three times higher
18:46than the 1,500 we have so far.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:49It's still not 30,000, though, is it?
18:51Well, I'm not a mathematician, Sean,
18:53but quite frankly,
18:54I don't know how anyone could, in fact,
18:58assert that 4,500 does not come
19:01within the scope of the phrase
19:04up to 30,000.
19:05And, quite frankly,
19:06I don't think even the ABC
19:09could twist the natural order
19:11of the universe
19:12so that 4,500 was, in fact,
19:15equal to or more than 30,000.
19:19But up to 5,000 internships
19:21would have been more accurate,
19:22though, wouldn't it?
19:23Well, what's important here, Sean,
19:24is that we have not exceeded
19:26the upper limit for internships
19:28that we have set.
19:30Yes, but on your logic,
19:31you may well have said
19:31this scheme could create
19:32up to 100 billion jobs.
19:34Well, Sean, what's important here,
19:36and I cannot state this
19:39clearly enough,
19:41is that we are taking
19:43young people off welfare
19:45and we are putting them
19:47into jobs.
19:48And quite frankly,
19:49the best form of welfare
19:51is a job.
19:53So they're still on a form of welfare?
19:55Well, now you're putting words
19:57in my mouth.
19:58Well, there's so much room.
20:02Choccy?
20:03Oh, yamoy!
20:04All right, now, dear.
20:06The ones on the right
20:07aren't very nice.
20:08Still to come later in the week.
20:11I'm not going to the
20:12never-never ever before,
20:14and they'll be sorry
20:15they ever apologised.
20:16My culture forbids me
20:18from shaking hands
20:19with my left hand
20:20alone in a room
20:21with someone
20:21who's not my blood relative.
20:23We're not alone.
20:25This room space
20:25is full of dead bodies.
20:27You have wisdom, Gator,
20:29and we all have much
20:30to learn from the white man.
20:32Even you,
20:33but not today.
20:34Today we must fight
20:35without thoughts
20:36for ourselves
20:36or the future.
20:38Tomorrow we can think of now,
20:39but in this moment,
20:41let us end
20:42the wrongs of the past
20:43together.
20:47No-one ever tells you
20:48what you don't want to hear
20:49until it's too late.
20:51I saw a horse
20:52walk on its hind legs once.
20:54Turned out it was
20:55just a dream.
20:57If I had that sort of funding,
20:58I could make something
20:59that ran every night
21:00for a full year.
21:02I don't know what it could be,
21:03but I'd think of something.
21:06Probably with cooking in it.
21:08And some piano music
21:10for when it got sad.
21:12If only I was immortal
21:13like my ancestors,
21:14I could eat Tia's brain
21:15and make her live again.
21:16You can be immortal, Jake.
21:18You just have to wait
21:19around long enough.
21:19I haven't got time
21:20to wait that long.
21:21The refugees are complaining
21:22to advocacy centres
21:23about their possible deportation.
21:25They have to get to the containment
21:26zone of the magic island
21:26of Trestle.
21:35He's making that up
21:36as he goes along.
21:37Put on your lead helmet.
21:39It may protect you
21:39from the sun's deadly
21:40neutrino rays.
21:41Sea monkeys are a bit
21:43like humanity, Billy.
21:44Get enough of them
21:45in an aquarium
21:46and they'll be happy enough
21:47swimming around for a while,
21:48but too many,
21:50they end up making
21:50the water acidic
21:51and die.
21:54Susie,
21:55did you find out
21:55that thing
21:56that you said before?
21:57I did.
21:58Not only is it on fire,
22:00it laid eggs.
22:01Ron and Julia
22:08are moving large sums
22:09of money around
22:10to establish,
22:11in the near future,
22:12a major local
22:13terrorism cell.
22:15Bill hopes his drug cartel
22:16will be a major
22:17international syndicate
22:18in a few years.
22:19And Frank's successful
22:20gun-running business
22:21means he could retire
22:22well ahead of time.
22:24Can your bank
22:24help your business
22:25move some cash around
22:26on the quiet?
22:27Combank can.
22:28But enough about us,
22:33what about some
22:34news from countries
22:36that aren't Australia?
22:38To North Korea
22:38and new video footage
22:40is raising some doubts
22:41about the success
22:41of North Korea's
22:42latest missile launches,
22:44with Washington sources
22:45saying...
22:46The video from
22:47Japanese broadcaster NHK
22:49shows the warhead
22:50breaking up
22:51before landing
22:52off Hokkaido.
22:53But whether or not
22:54the warhead broke up
22:55before it landed,
22:56Kim Jong-un certainly did
22:57after it landed.
22:58In fact,
22:58as can be seen here,
23:00he was beside himself.
23:06Meanwhile,
23:07next door and...
23:08China's Communist Party
23:10has asked its
23:11approximately 90 million
23:13members to quit
23:14their religion
23:14to be firm
23:16Marxist atheists.
23:18Which kind of
23:18takes the heat
23:19off the ABC
23:19who do pretty much
23:20the same thing
23:21every week.
23:23In...
23:24Oh.
23:24In royal news,
23:26Denmark's Prince
23:26Henrik has announced
23:28he does not wish
23:28to be buried
23:29next to his wife
23:30Queen Margrethe
23:31because he is
23:32apparently unhappy
23:33that he was never
23:34acknowledged as king.
23:36And also,
23:37I imagine,
23:37because he isn't
23:38dead yet.
23:40And in royal news,
23:41a little closer to home
23:42this week,
23:43we mark...
23:44..the retirement
23:47from public life
23:48of Prince Philip,
23:49the Duke of Edinburgh.
23:49In his final
23:50public engagement,
23:51the Prince typically
23:52joked with soldiers
23:53who had trekked
23:543,000 kilometres
23:56to raise money
23:56for charity,
23:57quipping to them,
23:58you all should be
23:59locked up.
24:03The soldiers are
24:04expected to be
24:05released within weeks.
24:07Sad news,
24:08royal watch again,
24:09Marx,
24:09the Prince retired.
24:10Oh, yes,
24:11Sean,
24:12the end of an era.
24:14I remember
24:15as a lass
24:16growing up
24:17in Catford,
24:18me old dad
24:19taking me
24:20to see the Prince
24:21Philip open
24:22the Battersea
24:22Park dog's home.
24:25He'd accidentally
24:25taken the key
24:26when he'd been
24:27at a tea party
24:28there the week
24:28before and he
24:29was returning it.
24:31And it was
24:32magical.
24:34The Queen
24:35waited in the car
24:37as he made
24:38his way
24:38through the well-wishers,
24:39always stopping
24:40to insult someone
24:42about their
24:43ethnicity
24:44or their
24:45weight
24:46or their
24:46occupation
24:47or how
24:49they looked.
24:50He even
24:52stopped and
24:52gave me a scowl
24:54as I handed
24:54over a drawer
24:55in our
24:55ten months
24:56doing of
24:57Her Majesty.
24:58He said it
24:59were ghastly
25:00and he threw
25:01it in the gutter.
25:03Oh,
25:03he will be
25:04missed.
25:06So what do you think
25:06he'll do
25:07with his time
25:07now?
25:08Oh,
25:08same as he did
25:09before,
25:10Sean.
25:11Fuck all!
25:13Thanks,
25:13Guy.
25:14By the by,
25:15one of the
25:15several referendums
25:16Bill Shorten
25:16is proposing
25:17that we have
25:17in lieu of
25:18governments
25:19making an
25:19actual decision
25:20concerns us
25:21becoming a
25:21republic.
25:22And importantly,
25:23Bill has settled
25:23on the phrasing
25:24of the question.
25:25We will put
25:26a simple,
25:29a straightforward
25:30yes or no
25:31question to
25:32the Australian
25:33people.
25:35One question
25:36do you
25:39support
25:39an Australian
25:41republic
25:42with an
25:42Australian
25:43head of
25:44state?
25:45Well,
25:45how can you?
25:45There isn't
25:46one.
25:47If the
25:48question was
25:49would I,
25:49maybe yes,
25:50but do I?
25:50The only
25:51possible answer
25:51is no.
25:52So there's
25:53150 million
25:54down the
25:54toilet.
25:56And I
25:56don't think
25:56it's any
25:57coincidence
25:57that this
25:58news broke
25:59on the
25:59same day.
26:00Buckingham
26:00Palace has
26:01ended speculation
26:02that the
26:02Queen might
26:03attend the
26:03Gold Coast
26:04Commonwealth
26:04Games
26:05announcing
26:05Prince Charles
26:06will officially
26:07open the
26:08event next
26:08year.
26:09Now,
26:09I know
26:10she wasn't
26:10expected to
26:10win a
26:11medal,
26:11but if she
26:11can't be
26:12bothered
26:12turning up
26:13to open
26:13her own
26:14Commonwealth
26:14Games
26:14because we've
26:15dared talk
26:16about a
26:16republic,
26:16we might
26:17as well
26:17have one.
26:18Oh,
26:18I'll send
26:19my boy.
26:19Like he's
26:19picking the
26:20sausages up
26:20for dinner.
26:22The thing
26:23is,
26:23though,
26:23when you've
26:24been riding
26:24a tricycle
26:25for over
26:25200 years,
26:26it's hard
26:27to suddenly
26:27be expected
26:28to get
26:28around on
26:29a unicycle.
26:29So maybe
26:30there should
26:31be a
26:31transitional
26:32weaning off
26:35we get rid
26:36of the
26:36Queen,
26:37sure,
26:37but we
26:37pledge our
26:38allegiance
26:38to a
26:39lesser
26:39member
26:39of the
26:39royal
26:40family
26:40for a
26:40while,
26:41like
26:41Prince
26:41Edward,
26:42then move
26:42on to
26:43Camilla,
26:44then once
26:44we're off
26:44the royalty,
26:45we can move
26:45on to the
26:46nobility,
26:46and eventually
26:47all the way
26:47down to
26:48someone like
26:48the Duke
26:48of Kent,
26:49who joins
26:50us now from
26:51the Kensington
26:51Palace AV room.
26:53What do you
26:54think about that
26:54idea, sir?
26:55Sir?
26:56Good Lord,
26:56I'm not sure
26:57I'm quite ready
26:58for our two
26:58countries to be
26:59that informal.
27:00Even Pat Cash
27:01didn't call me
27:01that when I
27:01gave him his
27:02tea tray
27:02back in
27:0387.
27:04Ken Rosewell
27:05once called me
27:05mate and I
27:06forgave it
27:06because he did
27:07such wonderful
27:08ground strokes,
27:09but anyone else
27:09and I would
27:09have had him
27:10flogged by a
27:11cat with
27:11nine tails.
27:12Pretty hard
27:13to come by
27:13those.
27:14I'm dreadfully
27:14sorry,
27:15how does one
27:15address the
27:15Duke of Kent?
27:17Lay me down
27:18flat on a
27:18benchtop and
27:19then print
27:20clearly with a
27:20felt-tipped pen
27:21across the
27:21front of my
27:22chest.
27:23Not forgetting,
27:24of course,
27:24to affix a
27:25stamp up over
27:25the left eye.
27:26I should arrive
27:27within six to
27:28eight working days,
27:29depending on
27:29the strikes.
27:31minimal do you
27:32feel Her Majesty
27:32would be to
27:33Australia having
27:33an Australian
27:34head of state?
27:35I can't speak
27:36for Her Majesty
27:37obviously,
27:37that's up to her.
27:38I mean I could
27:39try and do her
27:39voice I suppose,
27:40but I feel that's
27:41not really my
27:42place and I'll
27:42leave that very
27:43much up to her.
27:44She's much
27:44better at it.
27:45Many's the
27:46dinner or
27:47reception or
27:47grand ball we've
27:48had where I
27:49hear her voice,
27:49I uncannily like
27:51it in every
27:51respect.
27:52I turn around
27:52and there she
27:53is, talking to
27:54me.
27:54Amazing likeness
27:55too.
27:57I could listen
27:57to it for hours
27:58and often do.
27:59She does go on
28:00sometimes,
28:01usually about
28:02nothing.
28:02And what do you
28:03do?
28:03She asks me
28:04every time she
28:04sees me.
28:05I'm your
28:06husband's cousin,
28:07I invariably say,
28:08or something like
28:09that.
28:09I'm probably her
28:10cousin too,
28:10come to think of
28:11it.
28:12But the impression
28:13is excellent.
28:14I often say to my
28:15husband, Prince
28:16Michael, when we
28:17get home and are
28:17pulling off each
28:18other's boots,
28:19God, the Queen
28:20made an excellent
28:21impression this
28:22evening.
28:22Wait, no, you
28:23mean your wife,
28:24Princess Michael.
28:25You mean she's a
28:26woman?
28:27That explains a lot.
28:29All that squealing
28:30and carry-on on the
28:31wedding night.
28:32Well, thank you
28:33very much.
28:35We seem to be
28:35losing the satellite.
28:37I can still hear you,
28:38Sean.
28:39Sean?
28:42Gone.
28:42Well, not coming
28:44up because Utopia
28:45is on next.
28:47Police SWAT team
28:48tragically arrives
28:49too late to save
28:50Roof.
28:51Koala shops for
28:52cheap condoms.
28:54And marriage equality
28:55debate now out of
28:56control.
29:00Well, that's about
29:01it from me, folks.
29:02I know you're sick
29:03of it, but just one
29:04final word, if I may,
29:05on gay marriage.
29:06Several, in fact,
29:07from Family First
29:08Senator Lucy Gachui,
29:09who put it so
29:10eloquently when she
29:11said, if we must
29:12masturbate over
29:13gay marriage, let us
29:14do so with dignity
29:15and respect.
29:17But let's also not
29:18remove or disturb the
29:19ancient stones our
29:20founding fathers laid.
29:22And she's right.
29:23Mind you, the man-woman
29:24thing was only put into
29:25the Marriage Act in
29:262004, so really, the
29:27only ancient stones
29:28involved were the
29:29balls on John Howard for
29:30changing the law in the
29:31first place.
29:32Nonetheless, we should
29:33also think twice about
29:34disturbing or removing
29:36them.
29:37Goodbye.
29:40Giant baby.
29:42Mine on council
29:57Great.
29:58It is over.
29:59It is over.
29:59Againstение fiñe, –
30:00Thankfully, with your
30:01pen and siendo
30:02it was only, but the
30:03feelings found out of an
30:04emed
30:05that
30:06happened in the
30:08ook about the
30:08khdaf сид