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Honky Kong
  • 6/12/2025
Original Broadcast Date: April 18th 2018

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TV
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00:00People of Earth, attention.
00:30Thank you, Brett. Well, well, according to the latest news poll, if an election were held
00:42this week, Labor would have got in. Unfortunately, Labor didn't get their act together and arrange
00:47one. So, it's another missed opportunity. Their, what is it now? Their 30th. 30th. So, the
00:54government dodged a bullet there. But, according to the latest Ipsos Fairfax poll, though, voters
00:59don't want the Liberal Party to change their leader. The government, therefore, find themselves
01:03in something of a cleft stick. Do they defy voters by trying to win them over by changing
01:08their leader? Or do they try and win the voters over by defying them and keeping the leader
01:12who voters say they prefer as leader of a party they won't vote for? It's an interesting question,
01:18isn't it? And you can find it on our website as part of our online poll, which we encourage
01:24you to take because, well, online is where it's all at these days, isn't it? Yeah.
01:29Well, anyway, the takeaway from all this, though, going forward, is that people don't like change.
01:40And it looks like the government can continue to rely on Bill Shorten's Bill Shortenosity
01:45in order to stay in power for the foreseeable future. And anyway, as the government keeps
01:49telling us, people aren't interested in their own opinions. They're interested in jobs and
01:53growth, corporate tax cuts, education reform, energy prices and all the other things the government
01:57is having trouble with. And it's this last thing that I think tonight deserves a petit
02:03soupçon of plain speakum.
02:04OK. Now, the looming closure of the Liddell power station in 2022 could be a major embarrassment
02:15for Malcolm Turnbull, coinciding, as it would, with the government's 240th consecutive news
02:19poll loss.
02:21Parliament backbencher Barnaby Joyce accused Liddell's owners AGL of wanting to close the plant
02:25so it could jack up power prices across Australia.
02:28They put up the price of power and they make more money from fewer assets and guess who pays
02:33for that? You do.
02:34OK.
02:36Yes, Lee Sayles pays for it.
02:40I must have seen her salary. Barnaby went on, though.
02:44And your listeners.
02:45Oh, I see. OK.
02:47So it's Lee Sayles and those who listen to ABC TV.
02:51So those of you sickos who watch me with the sound turned down...
02:54Hang on, hang on a sec.
02:55Here we go.
02:56Still, as I say, it's an interesting tactic the government are using to deal with AGL.
03:11Rather than bully them, they're trying to legislate a company tax cut for them.
03:14It's very canny.
03:16Very canny.
03:16Bring them inside the tent.
03:18The tent we'll all be living in when we run out of power.
03:21Now, Barnaby, as you may know, is part of the Monash Forum, which is a kind of...
03:25It's a kind of think tank for government MPs whose thoughts have often tanked.
03:36And they're calling for the government that they're in to build new coal-fired power stations
03:41to reduce power prices.
03:42But Treasurer Scott Morrison, also from the same government, dismissed the call saying
03:47energy from new plants would be much more expensive than the energy produced by existing
03:51plants.
03:52But Mr Joyce mocked the Treasurer's logic, saying...
03:54Well, if that was the case, Lee, then we wouldn't build a bridge.
04:00We wouldn't build any tunnels.
04:03In other words, even if it makes no economic sense, spend the money on it anyway.
04:08A policy they've blatantly ripped off from the Labor Party.
04:12But even people who aren't in the government are disagreeing with the Monash Forum.
04:16Sir John Monash's descendants, for example, said using the family name in such a way dishonoured
04:21his legacy as intellectual and scientific.
04:23Though, frankly, I would have thought they'd be much more insulted by having his name associated
04:27with the dysfunctional car park they call the Monash Freeway.
04:31Anywho, then they go on to say...
04:33We are sure that today he would be a proponent of the new technologies, e.g. wind and solar
04:39generation, rather than revert to the horse and buggy era.
04:43An era not only reflected in Mr Joyce's thinking, but also in his clothing.
04:51Still, the Monash Forum aren't an unreasonable bunch.
04:54They are open to changing their name.
04:56I'd call it, let's make sure that mums and dads can afford their power group.
05:01This is much catchier.
05:03In the meantime, Tony Abbott is putting his foot where his mouth is, taking his annual
05:07polypedal through Victoria's coal-rich Latrobe Valley.
05:10As if to say, hey, look at me, I'm generating my own power, why can't Australia?
05:15Coal is made by putting long dead matter under enormous pressure over many years.
05:19A bit like me, really.
05:20I am living proof that bitterness and revenge are inexhaustible sources of fuel for all of us.
05:30Coming up a little later, though, sport.
05:32The first sport, and with what are we talking about, here's Caspar Jonquard with sport.
05:36Go Arianne Titmuss!
05:42Caspar, like many Aussies, I bet you're enjoying the Commonwealth Games at the moment instead
05:46of watching us.
05:47Never mind that.
05:48I agree with Pauline.
05:49What an insult to the spirit of colonisation that opening ceremony was.
05:53If I wanted to watch an Aboriginal person rapping for 20 minutes, I would have bought a giant
05:56dot painting from the Booran Jew Art Gallery and told them it was a birthday present.
05:59Well, Senator Hanson was highly criticised for her...
06:03I've never seen Charles and Camilla look so bored, although obviously I wasn't with
06:06them on their honeymoon, so it's hard to be certain.
06:08I ran Clarence House and volunteered to be pageboy at their wedding.
06:11They said, oh, it's got nothing to do with you.
06:13You must be disappointed that Sally Pearson had to pull out.
06:17I'm gutted, Sean.
06:18I was saying to the young couple I'm staying with unbeknownst to them in their attic.
06:21I said, Sally's Achilles tendon is her Achilles heel.
06:23They said, get out or we'll call the police again.
06:25Well, thank you, Casper, and Casper, we'll be back with highlights of the games, assuming
06:30there are any.
06:33But, um, thank you, Casper.
06:39But I do want to get back to the negative news polls, if I may, because even though Malcolm's
06:4330th has been dealt with by ignoring it, what about the ones to follow leading up to the
06:47next election?
06:48The inevitable party room spill now hangs over Malcolm Turnbull like a sword of Damocles
06:52in a flaming paper bag full of dog turds with his name.
06:56But seriously, who would want to replace him?
06:59Apart from Tony, obviously.
07:02We all know Tony is very keen to get back in the saddle of the dead horse.
07:05He's been flogging since Malcolm put him out of our misery back in 2015.
07:09What I mean is, who in their right mind would want the job?
07:13It's thankless enough with the backbiting from within and the sniping from the opposition
07:16and the media asking you a lot of impertinent questions whenever you sit down for an interview
07:20and AGL not doing what you tell them and the Senate not doing what you want them.
07:24You don't have to be a dead man, not to let it get to you.
07:29Yes.
07:30Yes.
07:30Apparently, according to the ever-reliable Daily Mail Australia, there are whispers of
07:35a Peter Costello comeback with senior Liberals urging him to challenge.
07:40Mind you, they're just whispers.
07:44But what juicy, gossipy, scandalous whisper.
07:48Can't read the autocue.
07:49And who, I wonder, are these senior Liberals urging him to challenge?
07:55Hmm.
07:56And that makes sense, doesn't it?
07:57The Duke of Gloucester there uses his honeyed words to talk Peter into murdering the King.
08:02Meanwhile, Tony's working to build support to run for leader again when the Coalition lose
08:06power at the next election.
08:07Which, if Tony's advising Peter, they most certainly will.
08:11Still very canny of Tony to keep his powder dry and not let anyone know his ambitions too
08:16early.
08:16A, former chief advisor to Tony Abbott, Cheryl Bumf.
08:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:22I quite agree, Sean.
08:28A lesser man or one given to bitterness, despair or even madness would have undermined Malcolm
08:36at every turn.
08:38In newspapers, speeches, interviews, book launches, polypedals, postal surveys, microaggressions,
08:46Sanskrit, semaphore, and even while he was on Ray Hadley.
08:53But Tony is far smarter than you'd think.
08:57Although, granted, that does assume you think he has the EEG reading of a turnip.
09:01Mm.
09:07But is Tony the right person to be the Coalition's opposition leader?
09:11Current chief advisor to Tony Abbott, Wayne Coghill.
09:13Sean, Tony is the best opposition leader Australia's ever had.
09:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:20But isn't the risk that we could be looking at a second Abbott prime ministership?
09:26Hmm, hmm.
09:26Tony as PM would be an unfortunate side effect of this strategy, yes.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31So the plan is the same as last year.
09:34We replace Tony, after 18 months of lost news polls, with someone more appealing, like
09:41Josh Frydenberg, or, at a stretch, Peter Dutton.
09:44Mm.
09:45Yes, Peter Dutton.
09:46At a stretch.
09:47At a stretch, yes.
09:48It's a snapping point, I would have thought.
09:50Oh, I would have.
09:51Peter Dutton may well be a content...
09:53May well be a con...
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55Peter Dutton may well be a contender, according to the whispers, this time from online journal
10:03Pedestrian TV, who last week implied by sly innuendo that fucking Jesus Peter Dutton
10:08was reportedly circling a bid to North Turnbull.
10:13Although, according to the hidden message in the HTTPS address in their article, Peter Dutton
10:18is Crang from the Ninja Turtle's Show Me The Line.
10:22Um, so maybe not.
10:25Anyway.
10:27Anyway, later on in the show, I speak to a guy who reckons he's definitely heard something
10:31about Peter Dutton's leadership ambitions from a very reliable source.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:36Yeah, it's complete bullshit, Sean.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40Although, to be fair, Peter himself has addressed the question of his prime ministerial ambitions,
10:46revealing that he wants to be prime minister one day.
10:49And, uh, I reckon that'd be long enough.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:55APPLAUSE
10:55But there are some members of the Liberal Party who have principles and don't want to
11:01change their leader just so their party will be more popular than Labour.
11:04Instead, they want to change the ideology of their party so it's more like Labour.
11:08I, uh, I take you back to 1992.
11:10Uh, when I...
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I was, uh, host of the ABC's Teenage Dance Time.
11:16And, uh, Labour PM Paul Keating was saying this to John Hewson about why he wasn't calling
11:21an early election.
11:22The answer is, mate, mate, because I want to do you slowly.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:27And now here's former acting Liberal PM Matthias Cormann telling the Senate why Malcolm Turnbull
11:35wouldn't be stepping down as actual PM because of the negative news polls.
11:38You know what we're going to be doing?
11:40We're going to do you slowly.
11:42We're going to do you slowly.
11:44We're going to continue to...
11:45We're going to continue to implement our plan for jobs in...
11:48Order, Senator Cormann.
11:49Now, uh, now, now, now, Labour Senator Penny Wong did her best to point out the obvious to
11:54Senator Cormann.
11:54You're no Paul Keating, mate.
11:57You're no Paul Keating.
11:58Order.
11:59And, uh, and that's true.
12:01It's true.
12:02Uh, it wasn't a great impression.
12:04Uh, Penny...
12:04Penny's was actually much better.
12:05She said, mate, and had the head tilt.
12:07Um, when it comes to impressions, Matthias should just stick to the one he does best.
12:11Bill Shorten, uh, is an economic girly man.
12:15Yet still, Senator Cormann went on praising the former Labour leader.
12:19Thank you very much, Mr President, because you know what Paul Keating used to do?
12:23Paul Keating used to stand for lower business taxes.
12:25Paul Keating used to argue, used to argue that Australian businesses needed to be able
12:30to compete with businesses around the world.
12:32Paul Keating used to be in favour of opening up the Australian economy to global competition.
12:37And I know that Senator Carr sits there in his chair squirming as I talk about the glorious
12:42period of Labour government's past where they actually believed in free trade and open markets.
12:48Eventually, Erica Betts had to shoot him with one of those sedative darts they use on those
12:52out-of-control circus lines.
12:54But the question remains, is the Liberal National Party of the 21st century the Labour Party of the 1980s?
13:00Or perhaps, perhaps even earlier?
13:02Because as we know, AGL aren't selling the Liddell power plant despite the PM pressuring it.
13:07And I think we have footage of Malcolm Turnbull at the offices of AGL doing some pressuring.
13:12Um, there he is.
13:13There's Malcolm explaining to AGL CEO Andy Vesey that the voters need affordable power.
13:19And here he is attacking a photocopier with an axe.
13:24Fortunately, the...
13:25Yes, fortunately, the LNP's George Christensen has a Plan B.
13:35He's called on the government, he's part of, to forcibly acquire the power station.
13:40Now, you see, the idea of a government seizing private property for the state, again, is
13:43Labor policy from way back.
13:45Just after the October Revolution in 1917, in fact.
13:49Ah, the glory days, yeah.
13:52All them cornfields and ballet in the evening.
13:57Anywho, George's plan is for the government to run the power plant or, if necessary, sell it
14:02to an interested Chinese company.
14:04Although, although George concedes he doesn't like the idea of the Chinese owning stuff.
14:09Particularly a state-owned enterprise.
14:12And I, I don't know why.
14:13The Chinese are great at running state-owned enterprises.
14:16Particularly their own.
14:17And judging from the Spratly Islands, even the ones they don't.
14:20Anyway, a little later on, we'll talk to CompSec financial advisor Davey Plumb about making
14:24George's utopian dream come true.
14:26Sean, it's important to remember that the Liddell power plant is a real fixer-upper.
14:32So, if they are going to buy it and renovate, it's going to cost a shitload.
14:35So, maybe rent it out instead of selling it.
14:37Take advantage of that negative gearing Labor seems they're keen to get freaking rid of.
14:43Yes, Tosh Greenstay there.
14:44It is Davey Plumb character equating the sale of the Liddell power station with the unscrupulous
14:49practices of the banks when it comes to high mortgages.
14:51Thank you very much, Tosh.
14:53But it's not just the Libs who are stealing from Labor, sick of having their political
14:59territory stolen by Labor.
15:00The Greens last week very craftily...
15:05..very craftily announced two completely insane policies that, if Labor stole them, would
15:09mean their almost certain political death.
15:12One involved paying all Australians a universal basic income, whether we're unemployed or not,
15:17and the other was to run the Reserve Bank as a people's bank, providing low-interest loans.
15:21Government spokesperson, Joe Miller-Burt, does the idea of a government-run people's bank
15:26have legs?
15:27Well, I hope so, Sean.
15:28Then it can run off back to wherever the fuck it came from.
15:33Yeah, you don't like it?
15:34Governments have no business being in the marketplace.
15:37They need to get out of the way and let business get on with it.
15:39Yes, well, then why do some in the government want to build and run coal-fired power plants?
15:43Oh, nice try, Captain Satire, but you can save your little traps for your less cleverly
15:48drawn characters.
15:49In fact, allow me to eat the cheese and push back the spring at the same time.
15:53When the market can't provide a service, then the government's role is to provide that
15:57service.
15:58Mmm-mmm.
15:59Yum-yum.
16:00Click.
16:00But the market can't provide enough baby formula, given how much is being sold to China.
16:08Should the government start manufacturing that?
16:11Well, if you ask Dickie Di Natale, he'd probably say the Reserve Bank should be making it and
16:15giving half a dozen tins to everyone in the country, whether they've got babies or not.
16:19Yes, but...
16:20Oh, yes, but something, something, something that my writers write for me and that you
16:25read off the autocue over my shoulder.
16:27There are plenty of examples where the government fills a gap in the market.
16:31For example, the market won't provide a left-wing socialist anarchist national broadcaster
16:36populated by smug, macrobiotic, biodynamic, organic-certified fair trade kale munchers, will
16:42they?
16:42Now, Muggins here has to do it.
16:45Thanks for the cheese, Jonathan Swift.
16:48Well, Jo Melliber, thank you for your time.
16:49Please come and please accept, with our compliments, the amazing new Dual Broom.
16:55Introducing the amazing new Dual Broom.
16:58The Dual Broom effortlessly sweeps floors and rugs without changing the broom head as
17:03its patented bristles automatically adjust from one surface to another.
17:08With the Dual Broom, my house is 20% cleaner.
17:11Friends keep saying to me, how come you look so great?
17:14Your skin's glowing, you look younger.
17:16I tell them it's the Dual Broom.
17:17Since using the Dual Broom, I've lost 22 pounds, and I can even fit into my wedding dress again.
17:24He is back, doing what he does best.
17:29So, Vicky, you're a public servant.
17:32You're boring and uninteresting.
17:33Kasper Jonkle is asking all the right questions.
17:37I'm a tax accountant, Kasper.
17:38That doesn't sound very exciting.
17:40What an idiot you are of having that as a career.
17:42To all the wrong people.
17:44Your special subject is your cherished childhood collection of matchbox cars.
17:48What a waste of time your life has been.
17:50And getting the answers no one cares about.
17:53Okay, it's time for the final round.
17:55Whoever wins this round gets to take home this cup.
17:57Go to hell with it.
17:58You can both leave now.
18:00Get out.
18:00Get out.
18:01I can hear the horse's hooves in my head again, and the red mist is coming in.
18:05Welcome back.
18:18Of course, now we're into the final round where anything is up for grabs and usually does.
18:22So, here's Francis with just a hint of what we can expect.
18:25That's exactly right, Sean.
18:27Digby and Anne survived our being staked over an anthill challenge.
18:31But, Anne, you didn't like what Digby said about you in our boys' night in.
18:35You drugged me with that hallucinogen they used in Jacob's Ladder.
18:38He did say I was a 300-foot-high lizard, but I've decided to forgive him and make him
18:45some of my grandma's very own prairie oyster croquenbush.
18:49Mmm, yummy.
18:52Sean.
18:52Mmm.
18:53Thank you very much, Francis.
18:55Well, South Australia is tackling a suburban fruit fly outbreak by releasing sterile fruit
19:01flies to mate with females.
19:02Two million of the irresistible and sterile fruit flies have been eardropped over parts
19:07of Adelaide, many of them landing on Peg Strunter.
19:10Peg, you've been moved by the plight of these intolerable pests, haven't you?
19:18Oh, Sean, it breaks my heart to see these young, infertile fruit fly couples, none of whom
19:23can afford expensive IVF treatment.
19:26And I just think sterilising the males is a very sneaky way of dealing with the problem.
19:30It's like ball tampering, isn't it?
19:32Yeah, I suppose they would be involved, yes.
19:36Even more egregiously, Sean, they've been given supplements to make them sing better,
19:41smell better and seem fitter to their female companions.
19:44Yes.
19:44I think Aerosmith uses the same stuff.
19:47So what actually happens in this process?
19:49Well, the sterile males breed with the females until the females become outnumbered and they'll
19:53die out.
19:54And I understand the government's looking at whether this strategy can be applied to
19:57other areas?
19:58Yes, to the unions, the greens and the ABC.
20:02I'll tell you, Sean, I am disgusted by the whole practice and that's why I'm offering
20:06my services to any fertile male fruit flies out there as a surrogate mother to carry their
20:12larvae.
20:12And you're attracting a lot of interest with this?
20:15Oh, yes, Sean, there's a real buzz around me.
20:17And coming up a little later on in the program, Pauline Hanson's new gardening segment.
20:26I know this sounds funny, but believe it or not, this was once my pride and joy.
20:31This was my veggie garden.
20:32I used to come out here every morning.
20:34All I see now is, apart from some of the herbs I used to grow, there's rosemary, here
20:38we've got lemongrass, weeds, more weeds.
20:43And more of Pauline's derelict garden later on.
20:46And if you'd like to see more of the shorts Pauline was wearing, I don't think you're
20:50alone.
20:55Also, a little later on, a Russian Post new drone delivery service and how on its maiden
21:00flight, the drone proved it was capable of transporting parcels up to 40 metres away.
21:05And even opening them on delivery.
21:10Is it possible we're worrying a bit too much about their nuclear capability?
21:13Speaking of the Russians...
21:17Now, one thing I thought might have helped Malcolm Turnbull in the lead up to his 30th was this
21:23whole expulsion of Russian spies thing.
21:26All the important world leaders are doing it these days.
21:28Except, of course, for the Austrian Chancellor, who can't do it until he turns 16.
21:32And Jacinda Ardern, because New Zealand's not important enough to have spies.
21:36But we did, and that really should have improved the PM's standing with voters.
21:41Not since, I think it's the Petrov affair, has Australia been embroiled in Russian espionage?
21:46But this time, instead of being double agents and us liking them and letting them defect and
21:50stay here, they're single agents, we don't like them and we've been sending them home.
21:54So, there they are.
21:55They're so long, Ruskies.
21:57Ha ha ha ha ha.
21:58Ah, yeah.
21:59Yeah, it's not quite as dramatic as the other picture, is it?
22:03They look like they're off for a week in Bali.
22:06Anyway, the Petrov affair was good news for the Menzies government, anticipating a tough
22:10election.
22:10It made them look like they knew what they were doing.
22:12And so too now.
22:13The Turnbull government needed something, a type of rodeo clown to run out and distract
22:18the voters from the fact that they're unlikely to get their budget through the senator game.
22:22And we did all the right things.
22:23The Russian ambassador was summoned to Julie Bishop's office for a show trial and there
22:29he is being ushered into a hellish interrogation room and forced to sit at a tasteless hoop pine
22:34plywood table just at a reaching distance of a bowl of chocolate eggs, which the foreign
22:39minister cruelly kept from him until he confessed, until he confessed that his country had poisoned
22:45the Skripals and Alexander Litvinenko and former Ukrainian president Viktor Yushchenko and Rasputin
22:53and the Facebook reputation of Hillary Clinton.
22:56But the Russian ambassador Grigory Logvinov wouldn't hear of it.
23:00When asked about his country's diplomats being spies, Grigory Logvinov said...
23:05You don't watch too much Hollywood movies.
23:07You don't watch too much Hollywood movies, meaning in his crafty Russian way that we do watch
23:13too much of them, perhaps even all the way through to the end.
23:16But is Grigory Logvinov right?
23:18Are we overreacting agile propeller for the downed Russian embassy, Dr Yuri Androvayev Zhivago?
23:24Yes, I think so, Sean.
23:26And how did you react when you heard the news?
23:28Like this.
23:31Wow.
23:32Exactly.
23:33Wow.
23:34But, uh, but listen, Sean, history is littered with the corpses of political also-runs.
23:41Poisoning is a traditional way of dispatching troublesome enemies, all the way from Hamlet's
23:47uncle to Peter Beatty and Campbell Newman.
23:50Well, Peter Beatty and Campbell Newman aren't dead.
23:52They host a show together on Sky News.
23:54Can't get much deader than that.
23:57Yes, that's true.
23:58But all this business of you Australia sending home two spies is embarrassing for you.
24:03The U.K. sent home 23 spies.
24:07Various NATO and non-NATO countries sent home 56.
24:11The U.S. 60.
24:13Even Ukraine sent home 13.
24:15And a large part of that country is already home due to annexation of Crimea.
24:19You send measly two peoples home.
24:22You send home more for cheating at cricket.
24:24That's a quite right.
24:27Speaking of which, right now it's time for sport.
24:30Now, I was pleased to see that all of Australian cricket's Los Trios Diablos have now accepted
24:43the punishment meted out by Cricket Australia.
24:45And we can now get on with rubbing vitamin E cream into our scarred national psyche.
24:50Because regardless of whether you love cricket or not, it's part of us, isn't it?
24:53We've all heard of the cricketing greats, from W.G. Grace, the great Imran Khan, Chris Tavarey,
25:00and of course, Don Bradman's Invincibles.
25:04As well as its heroes, cricket has had its share of infamous moments too.
25:09Whether it's the stink caused by Trevor Chappell's underarm, or Dennis Lilley's aluminium leg,
25:13or whatever the freak this is.
25:20And so he redeems himself for... Oh, no, he doesn't.
25:24But how does former Prime Minister and cricket tragic John Howard feel about the cricket imbroglio?
25:30Joining me live on the phone from his home in Bennelong is Mr Howard.
25:34Thank you, Mr Howard.
25:35We've never actually had you on the show before.
25:37It's usually just me doing a bad impression.
25:39Oh, I know!
25:40It's a pleasure to be here, Sean.
25:44I enjoy watching Matters Hill on a Wednesday.
25:48You know, it's not too keen on it.
25:50She goes off to the Rubber's Room to watch the wrestling.
25:55Oh, so you've got a TV in the Rubber's Room?
25:57No, we haven't.
26:02Now, I know you're a big Donald Bradman fan.
26:06Oh, I still am, Sean.
26:07Oh, and I had the great pleasure of meeting the Don just before he died.
26:13In fact, I may well have been the reason he passed away.
26:17I had gone over to his house to get him to sign approximately a thousand pieces of memorabilia
26:23when Lady Bradman told him, oh, he's downstairs, he's barely jumped out of the window.
26:31And how do you think he would have reacted to this whole ball-tampering fiasco, brouhaha?
26:36Oh, I know he did on as well as I did, which was pretty well considering we barely met.
26:42I think he'd have been spinning in his grave like a turbine.
26:50He'd have been burrowing his way out of the grave to rise again from the earth
26:54and wreak vengeance on all those who had sully the good neighbour of Australia, Australia's greatest sport.
27:01He would have haunted them, do you think?
27:03Oh, he would not rest until they had paid for their sins in blood.
27:08Would, uh...
27:10Mr Howard, would he have done this as a skeleton or as a ghost, do you think?
27:13Oh, it's hard to be certain about these sorts of things, Sean.
27:16His body was previously interred in Centennial Park Cemetery in Adelaide,
27:21so I, uh...
27:23I think not having a corporeal presence would enable him to travel into state with greater ease.
27:29What do you mean, was interred?
27:33Well, uh...
27:34I'm a big fan of the Don that I am.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37I, uh...
27:39I arranged to have his body dug up and transported to a crypt I'd built in my basement
27:45where I, uh...
27:46I sometimes, uh...
27:48You know, when Jeanette said book club or spin class or what have you,
27:51I would visit him in the dead of night and...
27:54..and dance about with his bones and...
27:57LAUGHTER
27:58..sometimes...
28:00..sometimes strapping his skull on top of mine
28:05and...
28:05..driving...
28:10..driving through the neighbourhood singing out Don Bradman at the top of my lungs
28:13while, uh...
28:15..while egging various public monuments.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18Uh...
28:20And it'd be fair to say, then, that, uh...
28:22..you think that Don would be disappointed in what's happened.
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26Well, I'm not inconsolably, of course, Sean.
28:28Now, you've got to keep a sense of proportion about these things.
28:32After all, it's only a game.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35Well, thank...
28:36Thank you very much, Mr John Howard, ladies and gentlemen.
28:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:39Oh, thank you.
28:41Oh, I've got to go now.
28:42Oh, oh, oh...
28:43I've got to go.
28:45I'm dripping all over the carpet.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:48What, you've just been in the shower?
28:51No!
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53Well, I'm not coming up because Sando's on in a minute.
28:58Astonishing footage reveals dinosaur extinction
29:01caused by fire from electrical fault.
29:04Shared laughter over mutual inevitability
29:07of never getting top job.
29:09And the busker who refuses to do what he demands of others.
29:13Scatter, statter, statter for your eyes.
29:21And finally,
29:23Australian researchers have invented a clock so accurate
29:26it only loses a second once every 40 million years.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32Near enough is good enough, I suppose.
29:40LAUGHTER
29:41John, baby.
29:44LAUGHTER
29:45LAUGHTER
29:47LAUGHTER
29:48APPLAUSE