Skip to playerSkip to main contentSkip to footer
Honky Kong
  • 6/5/2025
Original Broadcast Date: February 20th 2013

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You, no, you can't, you can't sleep there.
00:04I pay my eight cents a day. I know my, my rights.
00:08Hi. Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Sean McAuliffe and I'm trying to see off the vagrants living under the audience bleachers here in Studio 31, as we see in a new season of Mad as Hell.
00:18For those of you who haven't seen the show before, uh, that's great, means we can use some of the same jokes.
00:22If you have seen the show before, let me show you around and point out a few of the changes that we've made.
00:27Uh, firstly, we, we used to be on Fridays, which made, you know, great sense for a weekly digest of the week's news.
00:33Now, now we're on Wednesdays, which is a bit harder. It's, uh, it's midweek, which means that what news we have would be half digested and the other half won't have happened yet.
00:42But at least we're ahead of the curve. Yes, the news will be poorly considered, ill-researched and unverified, but, uh, what we do have is immediacy.
00:50All of the accuracy of TMZ, but without the inconvenience of having to look down at your iPad.
00:54Incidentally, uh, this, uh, this is the audience, and, uh, and this is the last time you'll be seeing them.
01:01Um, unlike every other ABC light entertainment program, we don't cut to them every four seconds to show where the noise is coming from.
01:08We're to cover and edit when a joke doesn't work.
01:10I mention this because last year some people thought because they didn't see an audience that there wasn't one, and that we put canned laughter on.
01:17Well, we don't use canned laughter. I can, uh, I can, I can...
01:21What do you do when a joke doesn't work?
01:24Well, it's never happened on any one of my shows, so we've never had to deal with it. Would you please go away?
01:29Adam Hills is much nicer than you are.
01:34Alright, well, this is the set. Uh, the only thing we've, we've added since, uh, last year is the, uh, September 14th doomsday clock.
01:41Um, as you can see, we're, uh, very close to still being six months away from the election.
01:47Otherwise, everything is as it was.
01:49So, we hope you enjoy the show, and if at some stage you feel so moved, we urge you to get up, out of your chair, go over to the window, open it, stick your head out, and yell,
01:59I'm watching as mad as hell, and I'm going to take it for about half an hour.
02:04They don't do much publicity at the ABC, so...
02:05Oh, I'm watching as mad as hell, and I'm going to take it for about half an hour.
02:14Cue titles.
02:15Cue titles.
02:53Well, folks, this is the week in which a giant asteroid passed us by
02:57and Gert Wilders landed in Australia.
03:00A lot of people would have preferred that the other way around,
03:02but what are you going to do?
03:04But the big story, the one that made me as mad as hell...
03:07Well, actually, I'll be honest with you.
03:08I'll be honest with you.
03:09First show back, and I'm looking at this story,
03:12and I'm not feeling as mad as hell.
03:14I'm more disappointed, I suppose, than anything else.
03:17I don't want to be overly maudlin about it,
03:20but I view this story more in sorrow than in anger.
03:24Now, obviously, it's too late to change the name of the show
03:26to Sean McAuliffe's Melancholic as Hamlet.
03:30I mean, I'd like to. It's a great name.
03:32But the cost of changing the opening titles alone would be prohibitive.
03:36It was expensive enough the first time round.
03:37In fact, the only reason the ABC gave us a second series
03:40was to amortise the cost of making the opening title sequence.
03:43Anyway, I'm sure that you're feeling much the same as I do.
03:46I've got my finger on the pulse of the zeitgeist,
03:49and I think the reason we're disappointed
03:52is because this story is about trust and integrity
03:55and faith in a group of people who have, frankly, let us down.
03:59That's right.
03:59I'm talking about sports people
04:02and or our federal and state politicians.
04:05I'm just hedging my bets there.
04:07I wasn't really sure what you were thinking.
04:09But they're very much the same, these two groups, aren't they?
04:12Both are heroes to many of us, icons, perhaps even gods.
04:16Both are being accused of taking something they shouldn't.
04:20Both are facing corruption investigations
04:23and both provide much of the content for an average TV news broadcast.
04:26So what can we believe in if not the pituitary cases
04:31we stupidly hold up as role models
04:32or the burnt-out sociopaths who pass for our elected leaders?
04:37Father Seamus O'Reardon from the Roman Catholic Church,
04:40it's obviously not your lot,
04:41and Australian National Imams Council Secretary Sheikh Mohammedou Salim.
04:47The ABC felt that even having an actor dressed up as you
04:49might be misinterpreted as disrespectful, so we haven't bothered.
04:52But I think our point is well made.
04:54Without religion as a sort of moral sat-nav,
04:57are we simply being driven by self-interest
04:59across a sea of shifting sands?
05:01Send your answers to the
05:03Are We Driven by a Self-Interest Across a Sea of Shifting Sands competition,
05:07Kerov, the ABC in your capital city.
05:09And you could win a set of Juanita Phillips-head screwdrivers.
05:13Now available at the ABC shop for $19.99.
05:17$19.99.
05:19Also the glory days of the ABC.
05:21And to where are we headed on these shifting sands?
05:25The fiscal cliff?
05:26Here's Jennifer Stolls with finance.
05:31APPLAUSE
05:31Well, Sean, it's almost literally an election year,
05:38and the state of our economy,
05:39and therefore the US economy,
05:41will be of national importance.
05:42So far, the former superpower have avoided plummeting over that fiscal cliff,
05:47but that's due to promise spending cuts,
05:49which aren't due till March 1st.
05:51So it really all depends on how they go with their budget.
05:53It may be that the US may have backed away from the edge of the cliff
05:56in order to get a better run-up, Sean.
05:58Now, the IMF have warned that the growth of the world economy may slow,
06:03which ironically means the US will accelerate even faster
06:06as it approaches that fiscal cliff.
06:08But IMF economic councillor Olivia Blanchard says
06:12it might not be the cliff we have to worry about.
06:15Put poetically, we may have avoided the cliffs,
06:21but we still face high mountains.
06:26It does you good to have a laugh, doesn't it, Sean?
06:29Yes, yes, it does.
06:29Softens the blow.
06:30Yes, it does.
06:31The French, you know, love comedy, don't they?
06:32They're very big fans of Jerry Lewis.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:35Here, if you like, Sean, is the fiscal cliff
06:42we and Monsieur Blanchard have been talking about.
06:44And hurtling towards it is the fiscal SUV,
06:47driven by Barack Obama with Julia Gillard and Wayne Swan,
06:51the fiscal Thelma and Louise, if you like,
06:53going along for the ride.
06:55Now, just before they drive off the fiscal cliff,
06:58Obama gets his budget through on March 1st.
07:00So they still go over the cliff,
07:02but in a sort of fiscal hang glider.
07:04Everyone survives and it's a softer landing,
07:07but they're still trapped in the fiscal chasm
07:10at the bottom of the cliff.
07:11Until China comes along with its big fiscal attack helicopter
07:15and its unquenchable thirst for Australian minerals
07:18and saves Gillard and Swan's fiscal asses.
07:21But not even China can save America.
07:24And as much as Australia tries, it simply cannot help.
07:26But Obama won't be left stranded for long.
07:30Somehow, somewhere, the cavalry will arrive to save him.
07:34Sean?
07:38Thanks, Jennifer.
07:39Oh, Jennifer, before you go,
07:40there's something I wanted to ask you.
07:42Somebody trained to deal with numbers.
07:44Have a look at this.
07:46There, see?
07:47That's America's national debt clock.
07:49And I find it very concerning.
07:51Well, $16 trillion is a lot of money, Sean.
07:53Well, it's not the money so much.
07:55It's the very fact that they call it a clock.
08:00Surely it's a calculator.
08:03You know, hang on.
08:04If they think that clocks measure amounts of money,
08:06what hope is there in ever paying that debt off?
08:09I mean, I know time is money,
08:10but that's taking a bit too literally.
08:12You know, when I look at this very, very long list of things
08:28we could talk about this week,
08:30there's one item I feel I cannot avoid picking.
08:33Freedom of choice.
08:35Now, we don't live in a socialist utopia.
08:38Over in Russia, you get up in the morning,
08:40walk through the snow, queue up for hours,
08:42vote for Putin, go home,
08:44get hit by a meteor.
08:46It's easy over here.
08:48Over here, we have a choice come election time.
08:51Now, we have no option about having to make a choice
08:53because voting is compulsory,
08:54but within the choice we have to make,
08:56we can choose a number of ways in which to make that choice.
08:59It's entirely up to us.
09:00You can look at the policies of the party,
09:02think about it,
09:03and make a choice based on what you believe,
09:05or you can look at the leaders,
09:06not think about it,
09:08and make a choice based on how you feel.
09:09Now, going through the policies
09:11and properly weighing them up
09:13makes for dull television,
09:14as Q&A proves each week.
09:17So what we thought we'd do to help you
09:19is to provide a shallow comparison
09:21of the political contenders
09:22based on the fleeting images
09:24that you might see
09:24when you're half-watching the news.
09:30Well, first up, alphabetically,
09:32is Mr Abbott,
09:33looking very presidential,
09:35very much the man to beat
09:36in this up-and-slowly-coming election.
09:39Part-time political bloggist
09:40vomitoria catchment.
09:41Do you agree?
09:42Yeah.
09:43Very presidential, Sean.
09:45Just compare these two clips.
09:48Well, I'd rather you do it,
09:49if you don't mind.
09:51Yeah.
09:52OK, so first up,
09:54we have Tony Abbott,
09:56shirt sleeves rolled up,
09:57suggesting he has a job to do.
09:58Yes, yes.
09:59Crowd behind him in raised seating,
10:00holding placards.
10:01Right.
10:02OK, next up,
10:03we have President Obama,
10:04also in shirt sleeves,
10:06crowd behind him in raised seating,
10:07also holding placards.
10:08Sure.
10:08I defy you to tell the difference
10:12between the two men, Sean.
10:13I mean, OK,
10:14obviously Tony Abbott's the white one,
10:16but apart from that,
10:18although that does beg the question,
10:20if he's going to all that trouble
10:21to impersonate Barack Obama,
10:23Yes.
10:23why hasn't he blacked up?
10:26Is he the man for the job
10:27if he's prepared to go the whole nine yards?
10:29I know,
10:30it's a bit...
10:32It's a bit...
10:33Yes, good point.
10:35It's a bit like Aussie...
10:36It's a bit like Aussie-mite,
10:39isn't it?
10:39So it's sort of the...
10:40It's sort of the same as Vegemite,
10:43but the Australian version
10:44not quite as good as the American one.
10:47Yeah, quite right, Sean.
10:49Although it's good to see
10:51some members of his audience
10:52paying homage to earlier political audiences.
10:55I think you see this young girl
10:56impersonating members
10:58of a Liberal Party audience
10:59back from the glory days of 1997.
11:02Obviously she disapproves of Mr. Abbott,
11:05Abbott's plan to axe the school kids' bonus.
11:08Yeah, yeah.
11:09Well, well, Vomitory,
11:11that's policy
11:11and we don't really want to get into that, do we?
11:13Oh, Sean,
11:14it's a bit hard to avoid
11:15what they're saying
11:16given the fact they're simply talking
11:17all the time.
11:24But Tony Abbott does have something to say
11:26and when he does,
11:27people listen.
11:28I mean, that address at the press club
11:29a few weeks ago
11:29made even the most cynical commentators
11:31sit up and say,
11:31Yeah, sure, sure,
11:39but we don't want to get bogged down
11:41in substance
11:42or like turn over to ABC2.
11:44So you...
11:44You don't have to listen
11:47to what Tony's saying
11:48to hear how impressive he is.
11:50Just look at the faces
11:51of the audience listening to him
11:52and you can see
11:53how spellbinding he is.
11:55Sure.
11:55Since the last election,
11:57I've visited 215 businesses.
12:01I've held 43 community forums
12:04and I've hosted 33 local morning trees.
12:09Wow.
12:10It's a...
12:11It's a...
12:12It's like the Beatles had reformed
12:17and decided only to play Octopus's Garden.
12:22Fantastic stuff.
12:22Thank you, Vomitoria.
12:28Caretaker Prime Minister,
12:29however,
12:29looks more prime ministerial
12:31than presidential
12:31thanks to a decision early this year
12:33amidst various arrests,
12:34corruption hearings
12:35and resignations
12:36to wear a pair of glasses
12:37as not seen here.
12:39And this was a conscious decision
12:41to make her look more like Kevin Rudd,
12:43wasn't it?
12:43Contributor to 3AW's comments page
12:45Caspar Jonquill.
12:46Kevin is still very popular
12:48with the electorate, Sean.
12:49It is in Julia's interest
12:50to resemble him
12:50in any way that she can.
12:51Plus, you can't argue with the stats.
12:53The last 15 prime ministers
12:55of this country
12:55have all worn glasses
12:57while in office
12:57with the exception of
12:58Paul Keating,
12:59Bob Hawke,
13:00Whitlam,
13:01Fraser,
13:01William McMahon,
13:02John Gorton,
13:03McEwen,
13:04Holt,
13:04Chifley,
13:05Francis Ford,
13:05John Curtin,
13:06Arthur Fadden
13:07and, of course,
13:07Menzies.
13:08Twice.
13:09These are all exceptions
13:10that prove the rule.
13:13John Curtin wore glasses,
13:15didn't he?
13:16Oh.
13:17Oh, well,
13:18there goes that theory.
13:20Thank you,
13:20Vomitoria.
13:21Well,
13:22there you have it,
13:23a balanced view
13:24of the two humanoids
13:25most likely to lead
13:26Australia into 2014
13:28and onwards
13:28until the next election
13:29is called perhaps
13:30early in 2015.
13:32That is,
13:32presuming there's no
13:33leadership challenges
13:34in the next few months.
13:40But leaving aside
13:41for one moment
13:42your obsession
13:42with gossip
13:43and irrelevancy,
13:44this year's election
13:45will, as Tony Abbott
13:46has rightly said,
13:47be the most important
13:48in a generation.
13:49So it seems only fitting
13:50that we cross now
13:51to Ross Dropsheet
13:52at beteverysecond.com
13:53to find out
13:54how the country
13:55is gambling on it.
13:56So, Ross,
13:57what are the vulnerable
13:58risking their financial
13:59security on this week?
14:00Yeah, thanks, Sean.
14:01Well, the most popular
14:02micro-betting market
14:03this week
14:03has been naming
14:04the MP most likely
14:05to lose the election
14:06for their party.
14:07And for Labor,
14:08all the money
14:08is on Craig Emerson.
14:10Punters are betting
14:10he's likely to have
14:11another psychotic episode
14:12and give us some
14:13insane song and dance number.
14:15Kevin Rudd's
14:16excellent value
14:16at $3.90
14:17and he could shorten
14:18over the next few months.
14:19No, not Bill Shorten,
14:21I'm talking about Rudd
14:22shortening.
14:23Yeah, so Rudd's price
14:24could certainly shorten
14:25if an opportunity
14:26presents itself
14:27to undermine those colleagues
14:28who shafted him.
14:29What if I wanted
14:30to have a splurge
14:31on Joel Fitzgibbon?
14:32Well, yes, Fitzgibbon,
14:33might be worth
14:33an each-way bet.
14:34A loose cannon
14:35in the party
14:35who knows how
14:36to hold a grudge.
14:37And to lose it
14:38for the Coalition,
14:39well, we've actually
14:40stopped taking bets
14:41on Corey Bernardi now.
14:43His comments
14:44about same-sex marriage
14:45paving the way
14:45for bestiality
14:46and his connection
14:47to the pro-tobacco,
14:48pro-guns lobby
14:48make him the unbackable
14:49favourite
14:50with the punters.
14:50pretty much the black
14:52caviar of this market,
14:53isn't he?
14:54The punters love him,
14:55Sean, time after time.
14:57He just keeps coming up
14:58with his loopy gear.
15:00All right, other chances?
15:01Well, there's a bit of money
15:02for Sophie Mirabella,
15:03Sean, at $4.25.
15:04OK, now what would
15:05she need to do
15:05to lose the election
15:06for the Coalition?
15:07Simply appearing
15:08in public should do it.
15:09Sure.
15:11And, of course,
15:11always good value
15:12for money,
15:13Barnaby Joyce.
15:14Is that the Chattanooga
15:16choo-choo?
15:17Yes, the overheated
15:18leader in the Senate.
15:20Can't tell his millions
15:20from his billions
15:21and he always looks like
15:22he's about to punch someone.
15:23All right, OK.
15:24And from Bob Caddor's
15:25Australia party,
15:26who's most likely
15:26to lose the election
15:27for them?
15:28Well, everyone in that party
15:29is equally likely
15:29to lose it, Sean.
15:30And the overheated
15:32national leader
15:33in the Senate
15:34that you tip,
15:35what was his name again?
15:36Barnaby Joyce.
15:37Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
15:45All right, Ross,
15:45thank you.
15:47Thanks, Sean.
15:47And remember,
15:48always gamble responsibly.
15:52Sorry, what was that last bit?
15:59Nothing.
16:00Well, corruption,
16:04exploitation,
16:05racketeering,
16:05drug running,
16:06fraud,
16:06money laundering.
16:07Yes, we're still
16:07on the subject of sports.
16:09So let's cross
16:09to Maggie Bathysphere
16:11and her team
16:11who are in Sochi,
16:13Russia,
16:14at the Fisht Stadium
16:15on the Black Sea
16:15in anticipation
16:16of the Winter Olympics,
16:17which are only 12 months away.
16:20Yeah, Sean,
16:20our laptops are all plugged in.
16:22We're waiting
16:23on an internet modem
16:24that's been posted
16:25to us from Sydney
16:26and very much
16:27looking forward
16:28to accessing
16:29everything about
16:30the 22nd Winter
16:31Olympiad
16:32on Wikipedia.
16:33Okay.
16:34Maggie,
16:35were the pre-investigative
16:36findings of the
16:37Australian Crime Commission
16:38investigation into sport
16:39a shock to you
16:40or did you know about it
16:41all along
16:41and just not mention it?
16:43Stunned and amazed,
16:45Sean,
16:45and certainly never
16:46came across
16:47anything like it
16:48in my time
16:49as a sportswoman.
16:50So no history
16:51of anything like this
16:52in District La Crosse then?
16:53Oh, look,
16:53sure,
16:54there'd be some
16:55Red Bull
16:55and no-dose abuse
16:56after a big nod
16:57out on the
16:58creme de menthe,
16:58but this is a farce,
17:01Sean,
17:01a farce.
17:02It's farcical.
17:03Okay, all right.
17:05Now,
17:05almost every major sport
17:06seems to be implicated.
17:07Are there any exceptions?
17:08Well,
17:09in terms of
17:09Australian athletes
17:10using illicit
17:11performance-enhancing
17:12substances,
17:13we can rule
17:14tennis out,
17:14can't we?
17:15If our tennis players
17:16are using
17:16performance-enhancing
17:17substances,
17:18they need to
17:18triple the dose.
17:20You might be right
17:21there, Maggie,
17:21because I remember
17:22hearing one commentator
17:23say that Australian
17:24players aren't competitive
17:25because they don't
17:26have the shots.
17:27What about
17:27match-fixing?
17:29You're not an
17:30Australian tennis,
17:30Sean.
17:31You have to be able
17:31to win a game
17:32to throw it.
17:33And an overseas player
17:34would never risk it here
17:35because if it meant
17:36one of our players
17:36got past the second
17:37round of a major
17:38tournament,
17:39the alarm bells
17:39would be going off.
17:41I do wish
17:42they could find
17:43some substance
17:43that stops women
17:44tennis players
17:44grunting all the time.
17:46I have to turn
17:46the sound down.
17:47It's annoying,
17:48isn't it?
17:48All that grunting
17:49and groaning.
17:49What do you think?
17:51Yeah, I'm alright
17:52with it.
17:57Another concern
17:58for professional
17:58sporting clubs
17:59now is the threat
18:00of sponsors
18:01and coterie groups
18:02distancing themselves
18:02from the sport.
18:03Later in the program,
18:04I talk to John
18:05the Anaconda Harnett
18:06from Organised Crime
18:07Australia.
18:08Look,
18:09Organised Crime
18:10have enjoyed
18:11our involvement
18:12with elite sport
18:13over the many years,
18:14but obviously
18:16we'll have to
18:16reconsider that now
18:17in light of
18:18these allegations
18:20and any potential
18:21tainting of our
18:22reputation.
18:24And let's hope
18:25they can clean up
18:26Australian sport
18:27quickly because
18:28if we can't trust
18:28our sportsmen
18:29and women,
18:29what are radio stations
18:30going to do for
18:31presenters?
18:31Still to come,
18:34South Korean
18:35and US soldiers
18:36join forces
18:36to become taller.
18:39European beef scandal
18:40prompts Findus
18:41to be more accurate
18:42in its labelling.
18:43And North Korea's
18:45military weapons program
18:46attempts to placate
18:47its worried
18:48Asian neighbours.
18:51Incidentally,
18:52I should apologise
18:53for doing an overseas
18:54news story
18:54without warning you.
18:55I know how much
18:56you don't like them.
18:57But the fact of the matter
18:58is that there are
18:59news events
18:59that do take place
19:00in countries
19:00around the world
19:01that aren't Australia.
19:02And I would not be
19:03taking my job
19:04as a pretend newsreader
19:05seriously
19:05if I didn't read them
19:07off the autocue to you.
19:08That's why we'd like
19:09to introduce a new segment,
19:11News Stories
19:12from Countries
19:13That Aren't Australian.
19:21First up,
19:22I'm joined by
19:23Royal Watcher
19:23Gay March.
19:24Gay,
19:25some...
19:26I see it.
19:27Some interesting
19:28observations in
19:29people who wear
19:30crowns on their
19:31bondsers.
19:31Oh, yes,
19:32Sean.
19:33It's a bit
19:34of sad news,
19:36really.
19:37Queen Beatrix
19:38of the Netherlands
19:39has announced
19:39that she is
19:40set to abdicate.
19:42Oh,
19:43the 75-year-old
19:44monarch announced
19:45that her son,
19:4645-year-old
19:48Crown Prince
19:48Willem Alexander,
19:49will take over
19:50at the end
19:51of April.
19:5364-year-old
19:54Prince Charles
19:55has sent a DVD
19:56copy of the announcement
19:57to his 86-year-old
19:59mother,
19:59Queen Elizabeth.
20:01Well,
20:01that's very thoughtful
20:02of you,
20:02isn't it,
20:03Gay?
20:03Yeah,
20:04Sean,
20:04it is.
20:07And is that it,
20:08Gay,
20:08or do you have it
20:09dropped?
20:09Oh,
20:10no,
20:10Sean,
20:11I've saved the best
20:11for second.
20:14Wonderbar.
20:14It's a royal news
20:17from merry old England,
20:19me old hometown,
20:20birthplace of eel
20:22on a stick,
20:23black rock critters,
20:24creosote frappes,
20:26and mad cow disease.
20:28Get on with it.
20:29There was scientific
20:31confirmation a few weeks
20:32back that the bones
20:34found beneath the car park
20:35in Leicester are definitely
20:37those of King Richard III,
20:40the company that owns
20:41the car park,
20:42says that having exceeded
20:43his free first two hours
20:45there by 528 years,
20:48King Richard now owes
20:49him 148 billion pounds.
20:53An invoice has been sent
20:54to Buckingham Palace,
20:56but they won't like
20:57paying that short.
20:59He was a plantagenet.
21:01Yes,
21:01of course,
21:02nobody will understand that.
21:04Thanks very much,
21:04Gunnar.
21:10Ahead in the programme,
21:11is a Kevin Rudd
21:11leadership challenge really on.
21:14Well,
21:14it's been three years
21:15since Mr Rudd was Prime Minister.
21:17Do you think he's capable
21:17of slipping back
21:18into the role?
21:19Oh, absolutely.
21:19It's like riding a bike.
21:21Well,
21:21easier if you're on drugs.
21:22Yes, Mark.
21:27Well,
21:27first Queen Beatrix,
21:28then Nicola Roxen,
21:29Chris Evans,
21:30soon Robert McClelland,
21:31and now Pope Benedict XVI.
21:33So while Australia prepares
21:34to elect its secular leader,
21:36the Holy Catholic Church
21:37gets ready to elect
21:38its spiritual leader.
21:40Ginny Boehm
21:40is in our Vatican City studios.
21:42Ginny,
21:42speaking as a lapsed Catholic
21:44who has forgotten,
21:45just how is a pontiff chosen?
21:47Well,
21:47Sean,
21:47there's a pageant.
21:50Brian,
21:51didn't know that.
21:52There are several categories,
21:53full vestments,
21:55national dress,
21:56evening wear,
21:57glass confessional,
21:58and bathing costumes.
22:01Each of the lucky cardinals
22:03from the conclave
22:04who make it through
22:05to the final round
22:06are then asked
22:07a random question
22:08about what they would do
22:09if they were Pope.
22:11They are then judged
22:13by a Vatican panel.
22:14They all come out,
22:15do a routine,
22:16send some smoke
22:17up the chimney
22:17and the winner
22:18is mightered
22:19Holy Father.
22:21Well,
22:21sounds like great fun.
22:23And who's the lucky
22:23host country this time?
22:25Italy.
22:26Again?
22:26Anyway,
22:30the likely frontrunners
22:31had a bit of a photo op
22:33in the Vatican here today,
22:34so let's check out the bods
22:36and have a look
22:37at their odds.
22:40From the land
22:41of cuckoo clocks
22:42and Swiss cheese
22:43comes Gilberto Agustoni,
22:4672, sexy,
22:47and former titular
22:48archbishop in 1996.
22:51Currently prefect
22:52of the Apostolic Signatura,
22:54he's a favourite
22:55at 16 to 1.
22:56He's Spanish,
23:01Dominican,
23:02and believes
23:02in the inseparable
23:03oneness
23:04of the Holy Trinity.
23:05At 230 to 1,
23:07he's a long shot,
23:08but he's got my vote.
23:09Cuban bombshell,
23:11Lucas,
23:11or a toggle
23:12a la mino.
23:13Arriba,
23:13arriba.
23:17Hoping to ride in
23:18on the U.S. fashion
23:19for electing
23:20those to high office
23:21with an albedo rate
23:22of note
23:22is this possible
23:23Holy Father-to-be.
23:25At 27 to 1,
23:27you don't get
23:27much cheerier
23:28than the cardinal
23:29from Nigeria,
23:31Francis Sarin.
23:32Hubba hubba.
23:37And last,
23:38but by no means least,
23:39at 19 to 1,
23:41it's the former
23:42vicar general of Roma
23:43himself,
23:44Ugo Poletti.
23:45turned bold
23:47and 83 years young,
23:49he can hear
23:50my confession
23:51any time.
23:52Oh, baby.
23:55There you have it.
23:56Back to you, Sean.
23:58Thank you very much,
23:59Ginny.
24:00We're all going to hell.
24:03Well, from the Holy See
24:04to the sea of politics
24:05and back home,
24:06a new political party
24:07has been launched,
24:08Rise Up Australia,
24:09which is utterly opposed
24:10to multiculturalism.
24:12Ars Millian Beard
24:13has been following
24:14the development
24:14of this controversial
24:16new party.
24:17I spoke to Ars
24:18earlier today.
24:20Ars, the founder
24:21and leader of
24:21Rise Up Australia
24:22is Pastor Daniel Nalia,
24:24a man who claims
24:25to have raised
24:25three people from the dead.
24:27So when he starts
24:28a party called
24:28Rise Up Australia,
24:29is he talking to the living
24:30or is he trying to gather
24:32an army of zombies?
24:33And if it is
24:34an army of zombies,
24:35could that split
24:35the One Nation vote?
24:37Because I think it could,
24:38particularly with
24:39policy statements
24:40like this.
24:41Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
24:42Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
24:46And he could also
24:47split the climate
24:48sceptics vote,
24:49could he not,
24:49having been endorsed
24:50by Lord Monckton.
24:52Is Pastor Danny
24:54going to Canberra?
25:00But is that just
25:01for some medical appointment?
25:06What I found
25:07most intriguing,
25:08though,
25:09was this.
25:10RUA, RUA, RUA, RUA,
25:17that's R-U-A,
25:18they're chanting
25:18their acronym.
25:19This would be like
25:20ALP supporters
25:21getting up and chanting
25:22ALP, ALP.
25:23Or coalition members
25:24getting up and chanting
25:25LIMP, LIMP.
25:27So I guess it shows
25:28they're not without
25:29some chance.
25:32Thank you, Ars.
25:33Sure.
25:37Ars, million beard there.
25:38Thanks, Ars.
25:41Now we did approach
25:42the mainstream parties
25:44for a response
25:44to Rise Up Australia's launch
25:46and a Liberal Party
25:47spokesman said
25:47the number of
25:48resurrections from the dead
25:49would always be higher
25:50under a coalition government.
25:53Well, not coming up
25:54because we've almost
25:55run out of time.
25:56railway system for mice
25:59considered a waste
26:00of money.
26:02Millions of Hindus
26:03celebrate the end
26:04of the picture festival
26:05by catching dysentery.
26:07And Kim.com
26:08resembles potato
26:09my child prepared
26:10for art class.
26:11Well, a final thought.
26:17Like a great many of you,
26:18I get most of my news
26:19from so-called
26:20satirical news programs
26:21like this one.
26:23Very often,
26:23the only time I come across
26:24a story of interest
26:25is when I'm reading
26:26the autocue
26:26while our show's
26:27being recorded.
26:28But the other day,
26:29I happened to see
26:30Stan Grant
26:31on Sky News.
26:32And as I was fumbling
26:33to change the station,
26:34I accidentally
26:34caught this
26:36on the ABC.
26:37Julie Bishop
26:38talking about
26:38Kevin Rudd.
26:40Over a glass of wine
26:41or two,
26:41we've shared some
26:42thoughts.
26:47Now, is it just me
26:48or is there,
26:49was there a slight
26:50at the end there,
26:53sort of,
26:53a sort of
26:54Kenneth Williams thing,
26:55a sort of,
26:55mm, yeah,
26:57yes, I know,
26:59yes,
26:59oh, yeah, no,
27:01stop it.
27:02Not quite a pout,
27:03but a sort of moo,
27:04you know,
27:04I'm not saying anything,
27:06but she is,
27:07I think,
27:08letting him know
27:09that if he's interested,
27:13you know,
27:14should there ever be
27:15an opportunity?
27:18He's got one chance
27:20and it'll be between
27:21now and the 14th of September.
27:25Oh, come on,
27:26she's talking about
27:27the election.
27:29Mind you,
27:30I do think
27:30she's totally
27:31in love with him.
27:34See?
27:35Can't fake
27:36that sort of passion.
27:37And apparently
27:38she's said
27:38that if the Coalition
27:39gets in,
27:39she's open
27:40to offering him
27:40an ambassadorship.
27:43We all know
27:44what that means,
27:45don't we?
27:46Yes.
27:47It means an ambassadorship.
27:48Come on.
27:50People are sick.
27:52Mind you,
27:53what's wrong,
27:54what's wrong with it
27:55if they are in love?
27:55Perhaps it'll mean
27:56a new unity in government.
27:57Two warring factions,
27:59forget their differences,
28:00come together
28:01because of the purity
28:02of the bond
28:02between two of their kind.
28:04It's like Shakespeare's
28:05Romeo and Juliet.
28:07No, hang on,
28:08no, no, hang on,
28:08I need a pop cultural reference
28:10because most of you
28:10out there are illiterate.
28:15It's like Baz Luhrmann's
28:16Romeo and Juliet.
28:18Hang on, hang on,
28:19that was 1996.
28:20That was,
28:20most of you
28:21haven't even been born then.
28:22And, you know,
28:23let's face it,
28:23Romeo and Juliet,
28:24it does not end well.
28:25It's like Avatar.
28:29A bitter,
28:30paralysed man
28:31becomes a hero
28:31by pretending to be
28:32something he isn't
28:33and betraying his own kind
28:34thanks to the affections
28:35of a large,
28:36weird woman
28:37with an interesting hairstyle.
28:40Goodbye.
28:42Barnaby Joyce
28:44Is that the chance
28:45you can shoot you?
28:46I got my hair
28:48And my underwear
28:51Jive, baby.
28:55I got my hair
28:56I got my hair
28:57I got my hair
28:58I got my hair
28:59I got my hair
29:00I got my hair
29:01I got my hair
29:02I got my hair
29:03I got my hair
29:04I got my hair
29:05I got my hair
29:06I got my hair
29:07I got my hair
29:08I got my hair
29:09I got my hair
29:10I got my hair
29:11I got my hair
29:12I got my hair
29:13I got my hair
29:14I got my hair
29:15I got my hair
29:16I got my hair
29:17I got my hair
29:18I got my hair
29:19I got my hair
29:20I got my hair
29:21I got my hair
29:22I got my hair
29:23I got my hair
29:24I got my hair