Original Broadcast Date: May 1st 2013
Category
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TVTranscript
00:30Thank you very much. Thank you.
00:51Well, a very exciting week. April became May as of today, and that means that not only are workers all over the world marching in May Day parades,
00:59which is great, because it keeps them off the streets, but according to our doomsday clock, the election is on in only...
01:05T minus five months.
01:08But Tony Abbott has a plan to speed things up simply by placing a no-confidence motion on the parliamentary notice paper when Parliament resumes in two weeks for its budget session,
01:17forcing the debate, having first, of course, secured support from the crossbench, carry the motion.
01:21The PM would then be sacked by the Governor-General, who would then ask Mr Abbott to form government,
01:25and then he asked for a House and half-Senate election on August the 3rd.
01:29So we'd save a whole month.
01:32And just by testing our Constitution in a way that hasn't been attempted since Gough Whitlam was dismissed back in 75.
01:38But it's a whole new ball of wax this week.
01:41It's not just about the libs and the labs.
01:43There are some new kids on the chopping block prepared to chance their arm to get ahead.
01:47Well, black caviar may never run again, but the same can't be said for Pauline Hanson.
01:58The former One Nation leader and Dancing with the Stars contestant announced that she would stand in the upcoming election,
02:04no doubt incensed at the luxurious accommodation for asylum seekers on Manus Island, courtesy of the Labor government,
02:10and not convinced the Coalition's pledge to stop the votes using Predator drones goes far enough.
02:15Ms Hanson says,
02:17I think we need to address the illegal boat people into Australia.
02:21And when she says, address the illegal boat people, she means like an envelope,
02:25write their address on them and then post them back to their country of origin.
02:30Second new kid on the block is euthanasia advocate Dr Philip Nitschke.
02:34He's announced he's running for the Senate as part of the new Voluntary Euthanasia Party.
02:39But surely if he wins a seat and gets Voluntary Euthanasia legalised, his entire voting base could be wiped out by the next election.
02:48It's a political party that can only survive by not actually getting in.
02:52It should be a very interesting campaign.
02:54Looking forward to that one.
02:54Finally, Clive Palmer.
02:57All right, he's rebuilding the Titanic and resurrected a dinosaur.
03:00And now he wants to do both to the United Australia Party.
03:04Unlike the Titanic and the dinosaur, neither of which it must be said ended well,
03:08the United Australia Party was quite successful, boasting three Prime Ministers in its ranks.
03:13Lyons, Menzies and Billy Hughes.
03:15Not that Clive's running for office to be Prime Minister.
03:18The reason I'm standing for Federal Parliament is I'm standing to be the next Prime Minister of Australia.
03:24Oh, I beg your pardon.
03:26He is doing it to be Prime Minister.
03:29But I'm not doing it to be Prime Minister.
03:34Still, he's a man who knows his own mind.
03:36At least to say hello to.
03:39And he knows what's what.
03:41Here's an extract from his interview with Lateline on Anzac Day.
03:44Well, I guess it's not really Anzac Day.
03:48All right, in another part of the interview, though, he explained how he'd deal with any conflict of interest
03:53that might arise because he's a mining magnate.
03:55If any matter came up before any government thing that I was involved in,
03:58there'd be a conflict of interest.
04:00I'd leave the room and wouldn't vote on it.
04:02Any government thing?
04:05Any government thing that he's involved in?
04:07That covers a lot of ground, but then so does Clive.
04:12Mind you, when I hear the expression government thing, I instantly think of Bill Heffernan.
04:16But Clive has tapped into the zeitgeist.
04:20He knows that...
04:21Now's the time for Australia to claim back itself.
04:24Presumably as a tax deduction.
04:27Anyway, one of Clive's policies is to reward regions that generate wealth with more government spending.
04:32For regions creating a certain amount of wealth,
04:34they can be sure that that will flow back into their community.
04:37Now, the most productive regions in the country are the mining communities.
04:40So presumably Clive's plan is to build roads, schools, hospitals, libraries
04:43in mineral-rich areas like the Pilbara.
04:46Mind you, because he's in mining himself, there is a conflict of interest,
04:49so he can't vote for it.
04:50So he's effectively come up with a policy that his other policy prevents him from implementing.
04:55So it should save a lot of money.
04:56But easily his best policy is the one on immigration.
05:00We think it's crazy that people that haven't got a visa can't board a plane for $800
05:05come to our airports in Melbourne,
05:07and if they're not legitimate immigrants, be sent straight back on the next plane.
05:11He's right, it's crazy.
05:12So why not move a process which can take up to five years on Christmas Island
05:16to already existing queues at the passport counter at Tullamarine?
05:20But don't underestimate this man.
05:22After all...
05:23He's been named a national living treasure.
05:25Why, I'm not sure.
05:28I mean...
05:28I mean, yes, he's made a living from digging up our national treasure.
05:33Still, I think the best joke about Clive's announcement
05:36comes from, um...
05:38Julie Bishop of Canberra.
05:41It'd be interesting to see if he launches his campaign on his new Titanic.
05:52Very good.
05:52But she's no Christopher Pyne, is she?
05:54This is a Konski, not a Gonski.
06:00He cracks me up, that guy.
06:02Still to come, who is really responsible for Labor's $12 billion budget shortfall?
06:08The wife and I just wanted to say that we, the Australian taxpayer,
06:12take full responsibility for the current $12 billion budget shortfall
06:16and are sincerely sorry for not earning anywhere near enough money
06:20to enable the government to tax us appropriately
06:23and raise the amount of revenue sufficient to approach a surplus.
06:27Uh, let ourselves down.
06:29Let Julie go, like, down.
06:30Most of all, let's wind swans down.
06:33Yeah, well, I think you're being a bit too hungry.
06:34I'm sorry, Sean, but that's the way we feel.
06:36Yeah, we have to be punished!
06:38Well, Labor's still in power for another 20 weeks.
06:41Oh, Jesus, that's a bit harsh.
06:42Sean!
06:45Well, it's a little over a fortnight now
06:47since our PM held a Gonski to state premiers and territory heads.
06:51Initially, the education reforms failed to blow anyone away,
06:54but then when all seemed lost,
06:55New South Wales Liberal Premier Barry O'Farrell
06:57sat down at the table like Christopher Walken as Nicky in The Deer Hunter.
07:01Meow, meow, meow!
07:02Well, you've got to learn to think like a mouse.
07:07Will others join him, conservative blodgician vomitori catchment?
07:10Well, someone should, Sean.
07:13This guy is coming apart at the seams.
07:16Like I say on my latest Off-Farrell meme,
07:20I can haz 20p silver.
07:24Isn't he just looking after his state's interests?
07:27Uh, ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
07:29Hello!
07:30He's a Liberal state premier.
07:32Somehow, Mem Saab Gillard has snake-charm
07:36beaded the off into buying into her little
07:38Trotskyite edu-lolcat Revo.
07:42I have no idea what you're talking about.
07:46Look at Campbell Newman,
07:47a model of suspicion and obstruction.
07:50That's how it's done, Barry.
07:52Check out this meme I sent to Michael Kroger.
07:54Right.
07:56Roll out the...
07:56Oh, sorry.
07:57What does that even mean?
08:00Pork barrelling, Sean.
08:02Gillard the Lizard is using our tax dollars
08:05to win votes in what was Labor heartland,
08:07but is now Labor fartland.
08:11Yes.
08:13Check out this meme I twit-pick to all seven of my followers.
08:16Yes, well, pretty powerful stuff.
08:22Yeah, retweeted twice.
08:23Really?
08:24Yeah, social media is how we get our message across these days, Grandpa.
08:27TV is going the way of the dodo.
08:31And I ain't talking about the internet provider.
08:33All right, so you think the deal between the federal government and New South Wales compromises the coalition?
08:38Oh, come on.
08:39This is the biggest back-scratcher-arma since Obeid and McDonald got together to play Name That Testicle.
08:44All right.
08:45But isn't Gonski ultimately above politics?
08:47Isn't it all about our children's future?
08:50Earth to Sean.
08:51Are you reading me on planet what the f***?
08:53Thanks to Barry Benedict O'Farnold,
08:57the swinging voters now have a whiff of Gillard actually being half-competent
09:01and potentially achieving something.
09:03A few more premiers sell out and the coalition can kiss goodbye
09:06to the good parking spaces outside Parliament House.
09:09I go into a lot more detail on this on my website.
09:12All right, let's have a look.
09:14Ah, yes.
09:14Not that one.
09:15What?
09:15Not that one.
09:17Not that.
09:19Age 31?
09:21Thank you, vomitoria.
09:23But if the coalition has a policy,
09:26weak spot it's industrial relations.
09:28The hugely unpopular work choices helped eject John Howard from office back in 07
09:33and its ghost has haunted the Liberal Party ever since.
09:36And not in a good fun way like Casper.
09:38More like one that when it appears Noel wants to see it,
09:41like Nicolas Cage's ghostwriter.
09:44And the sequel.
09:45Now, you may recall that back in 2010,
09:47Tony Abbott tried to exorcise the ghost of work choices.
09:51The opposition leader signed a death warrant.
09:53You can frame that.
09:54Work choices.
09:55Dead, buried, cremated.
09:56But it seems that work choices is one ghost that won't stay dead,
10:01at least according to Bill Shorten.
10:03Now, the...
10:04Come on.
10:07Bill Shorten looks nothing like an Oompa Loompa.
10:11Anyway, for Bill Shorten,
10:14the spectre of work choices is alive and well
10:16and living in the coalitions-to-be-announced industrial policy.
10:20But one thing we won't do is allow some employer groups
10:23to force us back to the work choices era,
10:25which I think some of them miss.
10:27OK.
10:27Now, Shadow Industrial Relations Minister Erica Betts
10:30remains confident that...
10:32Erica Betts looks nothing like Colonel Klink.
10:43Erica Betts remains confident in Tony Abbott's ability
10:45to sell the Coalition's new policy
10:47and that unions will embrace it.
10:49No matter what I announce,
10:51no matter what Tony Abbott announces,
10:53the union movement will be against it.
10:55Dismissed.
10:58Is the ghost of work choices real
11:00or is Bill Shorten just running a scare campaign?
11:02Labor, IR, spokesman, syncopated rhythms.
11:05Well, I think if that was so, Sean,
11:07voters would see right through it.
11:09Right, cos it's a ghost.
11:11The scare campaign.
11:12Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.
11:13No, this is a very real and well-founded concern.
11:16Can I tell you a story?
11:17Absolutely.
11:18Last week, we all have this meeting with Bill Shorten
11:21and, you know, we have a long chat
11:22about what the Coalition policy is likely to be.
11:24Anyway, the meeting finishes
11:26and it's well after midnight,
11:28so Bill offered to give me a lift home.
11:31On the way, Bill decides to take a shortcut.
11:33He says he knows the way, but we get lost.
11:35Then the car runs out of petrol.
11:38We were in the middle of nowhere.
11:39Neither of us got mobile coverage
11:41because we're both with Vodafone,
11:43so we're stranded.
11:45Bill grabs a jerry can from the boot
11:46and goes to get help,
11:48tells me to wait in the car.
11:50Three hours later,
11:52no sign of Bill.
11:53I turn on the radio
11:55and there's this newsflash
11:56about an escaped lunatic in the area.
11:58I totally freak, right?
12:00Yeah.
12:00So I lock all the doors.
12:02Anyway, I fall asleep
12:03and I wake up,
12:04I don't know how much time later,
12:06by this tremendous banging on the roof.
12:08Bang!
12:09Bang!
12:10Bang!
12:11I'm terrified.
12:12I don't know what to do.
12:13The banging gets louder and louder.
12:16Eventually, I can't stand it,
12:17so I throw open the car door
12:19and I run screaming into the night,
12:21but something made me stop
12:23and turn around.
12:25And to this day,
12:26I'll never forget what I saw.
12:29There,
12:30crouching on top of the car,
12:32was Tony Abbott.
12:35Naked,
12:36grinning insanely,
12:37banging a copy of the Liberal Party's work choices
12:39on the car roof
12:40over and over again.
12:42Now, I think we have footage
12:44of Tony Abbott grinning insanely.
12:52Anyway,
12:52I completely shat myself,
12:54Bill came back
12:54and Abbott rode off on a bicycle.
12:56Alright.
12:58Good story.
12:59And just to be clear,
12:59you're not running a skier campaign.
13:01Oh, absolutely not.
13:02Thank you very much.
13:04Well, a couple of points
13:05to come out of the Prime Minister's
13:06first People's Forum
13:08held last week in Deakin.
13:09She was very keen to stress
13:10that despite the economic forecast,
13:12one thing she wouldn't be doing
13:13to expenditure was...
13:15Cutting and cutting and cutting.
13:17And that wouldn't help
13:18our economy stay strong
13:19if they started...
13:20Cutting and cutting
13:21and cutting and cutting.
13:22So I think we can safely assume
13:24that one thing Ms Gillard
13:25won't be doing with spending is...
13:28Cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting,
13:29cutting, cutting, cutting.
13:30Now, the other interesting thing
13:32from the Forum
13:33is that I believe
13:34it was the first time
13:35the Herald Sun
13:36has ever been behind Julia Gillard.
13:40Now, Sydney's West
13:41remains a key battleground
13:42in the up-and-coming
13:43doomsday election
13:44while Sydney's East
13:45remains the Pacific Ocean.
13:49Labor's former
13:50Immigration Minister
13:51Chris Bowen
13:51has a 7% margin
13:52in the Western Sydney
13:54seat of McMahon.
13:55But when his focus groups
13:56began describing Labor
13:57this way...
13:57They're really shit.
14:02Mr Bowen decided
14:03it might be prudent
14:04to reduce the number
14:05of references to Labor
14:06in his campaign posters
14:07to approximately zero
14:09and to tweak Labor's colours
14:12blue and red
14:12to a subtly different
14:14orange and white.
14:15Now, it's one thing
14:16to exclude an unpopular
14:17Prime Minister
14:18from a state election campaign
14:19talking to you,
14:21Western Australia.
14:22But excluding your entire party
14:24is fairly radical.
14:25But I think this is exactly
14:26what Federal Labor
14:27needs to do.
14:28Completely exclude
14:28any reference
14:29to the Prime Minister
14:30or to itself
14:31in its own campaign.
14:32Something like this.
14:34A better deal
14:35for workers
14:36and their families
14:37has always been
14:38the priority
14:39of the worker-based party.
14:41And under the current
14:42worker-based party government,
14:44interest rates
14:45and inflation
14:46are both down.
14:48The Prime Minister,
14:49currently in office,
14:50leads a politically
14:51aligned government
14:52which has,
14:53like previous governments
14:54of the same persuasion,
14:56taken the hard decisions
14:57needed to protect jobs.
14:59And a future
15:01same Prime Minister
15:02we have now-led government
15:03makes the same commitment.
15:05She or he
15:06will continue
15:07to do everything
15:08in her or his
15:09power to protect
15:11Australian jobs.
15:13It's the party
15:14that we're talking about's way.
15:16So on September 14,
15:18vote for the mainstream party
15:19that isn't in the Coalition.
15:21Written, spoken,
15:22authorised,
15:23S. McAuliffe,
15:23mainstream party
15:24that isn't in the Coalition,
15:25can.
15:27November 11, 1975.
15:29The day a simple
15:30Governor-General
15:31sacked a quite intelligent
15:32Prime Minister.
15:33Well, may we say
15:35God save the Queen.
15:38The ABC's unnatural obsession
15:40with the dismissal
15:41continues unabated
15:43with a marginally new
15:44documentary series
15:45on ABC1.
15:47Gough came home
15:47that afternoon.
15:49He was not like himself
15:50at all.
15:51His face was like a mask.
15:55In fact,
15:55it was so like a mask,
15:57I tried to pull it off
15:58and we wrestled
16:00about the floor
16:00for 20 minutes.
16:02Turns out it wasn't him
16:03at all.
16:04It was Bill Hayden
16:05come to visit.
16:06I should have known
16:07it was Bill
16:07from his whimpering
16:08as he was much
16:09shorter than Gough.
16:11The curious thing was
16:13I actually got
16:15most of his face off.
16:16And finally,
16:17Gough did come in
16:18after parking the car.
16:20He saw me there
16:20on the kitchen floor
16:21talking to a skeleton.
16:22Oh, he laughed
16:25and laughed.
16:27Completely forgot
16:28about being dismissed.
16:29Didn't get around
16:30to telling about it
16:31until a year later.
16:33The women behind
16:34the men behind
16:35the dismissal.
16:36Soon on ABC1.
16:45Hi.
16:46Welcome back.
16:46Well, the self-proclaimed
16:48Australian mastermind
16:49behind international
16:50hacktivist group
16:50LulzSec,
16:52who cruelly raised
16:53the hopes of many
16:53by falsely reporting
16:55that Tupac was still alive
16:56and that Rupert Murdoch
16:58was in fact dead,
16:59has been arrested.
17:00The Australian
17:01Federal Police
17:02video unit
17:02swooped on the
17:0325-year-old
17:04IT technician
17:05after a team
17:06of investigators
17:06managed to crack
17:07the codename
17:08of his organisation
17:09by checking out
17:10urbandictionary.com.
17:12The main motivation
17:13from LulzSec
17:14is their proclaimed
17:15thing of laughing out
17:17loud at security.
17:18LulzSec.
17:19The brains
17:22behind LulzSec
17:22goes by the cyber
17:24handle
17:24OzShock
17:25and faces 12 years
17:26in prison,
17:27presumably for posting
17:28this version of
17:28Summer Nights
17:29on YouTube.
17:30Wella, wella, wella,
17:32huh?
17:32Tell me more,
17:33tell me more,
17:34she should get very far.
17:36Meanwhile,
17:37it was a case of
17:37tell me less,
17:38tell me less
17:39when hackers
17:39broke into the
17:40Associated Press
17:41Twitter account
17:42and tweeted that
17:43the White House
17:44had exploded twice
17:45and that President
17:46Obama was injured.
17:47Now, two things
17:49happened immediately
17:49as a result.
17:51Balloons and streamers
17:51went up at the
17:52National Rifle
17:53Association head office
17:54and $130 billion
17:56was instantly
17:57wiped off the
17:58stock market.
17:59That's where our
18:00superannuation's
18:01invested, isn't it?
18:013AW comments page
18:02contributor Caspar
18:03John Quill.
18:04Great, isn't it?
18:05I work day in and day out
18:06as a night watchman
18:07in a 24-hour
18:08UV light display showroom
18:10so my financial future
18:11and security can be
18:12jeopardised by some
18:13socially retarded
18:1414-year-old who can't
18:15pick up a phone when he
18:16wants to communicate
18:16with somebody.
18:17I won't have computers
18:18in my house or anyone
18:19else's for that matter.
18:21I said to the young
18:21couple down the road
18:22if you want to record
18:23yourselves having a
18:24shower on your iPad
18:24that's your business
18:25but don't come running
18:26to me when someone
18:27makes off with all your
18:28files on a USB and
18:29uploads them onto a
18:30porn site using my IP
18:31address.
18:32And the lady down the
18:33road keeps kicking her
18:34football into my yard.
18:35I sent an email to
18:36Clark Cable but it
18:36keeps bouncing back.
18:38I cc'd a copy to
18:38Don Talbot, Hayley Lewis,
18:40Deepak Chopra, Josh
18:41Thomas and the Pons
18:41Institute but their
18:42lawyers say, oh, it's
18:43got nothing to do with us.
18:44Same thing with those
18:45smartphones.
18:46I dropped mine in the
18:47toilet the other day.
18:48Doesn't sound too
18:49bloody smart to me, does
18:50it?
18:51Thanks very much, Casper.
18:53Even more disturbingly,
18:54this panicked offloading
18:55of stocks wasn't human
18:56error.
18:57It was caused by
18:58computers programmed to
18:59scan the net for key
19:00words like bomb,
19:01White House, Kim
19:02Kardashian and then
19:03react accordingly.
19:04Did you know the market
19:05was being run by
19:06computers?
19:06H. Pechner who lost
19:07everything last week,
19:08Cloris Webber.
19:09No, I didn't, Sean.
19:11But it's fair enough, I
19:12say.
19:12It was humans who
19:13brought this planet to
19:14the brink of financial
19:15collapse a few years
19:16back through greed and
19:17dishonesty.
19:18Yes.
19:18It's nice to see my
19:19life savings being wiped
19:20out by an honest
19:21accounting software
19:22error for a change.
19:24Restores your faith in
19:25man to no robots
19:27are fallible, Sean.
19:28Well, God bless your
19:29heart, Cloris.
19:30How would you like a
19:31nice Colotto ham?
19:32Oh!
19:34Colotto, the great taste
19:35of ham brought to you
19:36tonight by our very
19:37own mad as hell
19:38killer robot.
19:40Exterminate!
19:42Exterminate!
19:46The fuck!
19:49Ten second rule!
19:50Ten second rule,
19:50certainly.
19:51Oh.
19:52Oh, good.
19:54Where's my bloody
19:54ham?
19:55I pay my eight cents a
19:56day.
19:57It's like I tell
19:57Sabra Lane as I'm
19:58screaming down her
19:59chimney.
20:00It's all very well
20:00for you to not be
20:01home when I break in
20:02and go through your
20:02fridge, but if you're
20:03not even going to
20:03have small goods in
20:04there for me to
20:05steal...
20:05still to come.
20:09Police call off
20:10chase due to dangers
20:11of high-speed
20:12freestyle pursuit.
20:16Well, Argentina,
20:18Belgium, Canada,
20:19Denmark, Iceland,
20:21the Netherlands,
20:22Norway, Portugal,
20:23Spain, South Africa,
20:24Sweden, Uruguay,
20:25New Zealand and now
20:26France have all said
20:27I do to same-sex
20:29marriage.
20:29And let me tell you,
20:30there was dancing in
20:31the streets of Paris
20:32the night that
20:32legislation went
20:33through.
20:33Ah, Paris, the city
20:38of love.
20:40Still, they do do
20:40riots very well in
20:42Paris.
20:42I wasn't there on the
20:43barricades in 68,
20:44but I do know my
20:45history.
20:45University students
20:46stormed the Bastille
20:48and cut off the head
20:49of Donnie and Marie
20:49Antoinette.
20:51But the bigger
20:52question is, why
20:53can't Australia get
20:55behind its
20:55homosexuals?
20:56Surely, in this day
21:02and age, we are
21:03enlightened enough to
21:04say that if two
21:05poofs want to get
21:06married, well, why
21:07the f*** not?
21:09A question we put a
21:10little more elegantly
21:11in tonight's
21:12hypothetical.
21:17Check it.
21:18More Australians than
21:21not support same-sex
21:22marriage, 64%.
21:24But what about
21:25those who don't?
21:26What about their
21:27rights to prevent
21:28other people doing
21:29something which is
21:29none of their
21:30business?
21:31Joining us tonight to
21:32discuss the terms of
21:33what may well be a
21:34referendum come
21:35September is
21:36transvestite Jocelyn
21:37Spoons from Keep
21:38Marriage Straight.
21:39I believe that
21:40marriage should be
21:41between a man and a
21:42woman.
21:42Vice Rear Admiral
21:46Bobo Gargle, however,
21:47believes gays in the
21:48military should not be
21:49allowed to marry in
21:50case one of them
21:51falls in love with
21:52and is proposed to
21:53by the enemy.
21:54Could severely
21:54compromise us on the
21:55battlefield.
21:57To help bring both
21:58sides closer together,
21:59we are joined by
22:00Bobo Gargle's gay
22:01lover, Christian
22:01Democrat Terry
22:02Dredge.
22:03Respect.
22:04Radical cleric
22:05Cardinal George
22:06Pell and his kitten
22:06Leopold.
22:09From London, the
22:10founder member of the
22:11Respect for Marriage
22:12Think Tank, Klaus
22:13von Bülow.
22:14Hello.
22:16Live via haunted
22:17fax machine from a
22:18gravesite in the
22:19Pierre Lachey
22:20Cemetery, the ghost
22:21of Gertrude Stein.
22:23Disgraced footballer
22:25Peter the Frog
22:25Astley.
22:27And of course, as
22:28always, Lady Gaga.
22:31Peter the Frog
22:32Astley, you're in a
22:33long-standing
22:34relationship with
22:35Jocelyn Spoons.
22:36Would you want
22:37Cardinal Pell to
22:38marry you?
22:39Well, if we could get
22:40away with it, with
22:41Jocelyn Feining
22:42out, yeah, sure.
22:44But you can't marry
22:45your partner or
22:45Cardinal Pell in
22:46Australia, can you?
22:47Bobo Gargle.
22:49No, we'd have to go
22:50to a country where it
22:51was legal.
22:52Terry Dredge, you
22:53are gay, and it's
22:54overseas.
22:55Sean, I think that
22:55should be Uruguay.
23:00Right.
23:01Terry Dredge,
23:02Uruguay, and it's
23:03overseas.
23:05I know that, Sean.
23:06I studied geography.
23:08Sean, I think the
23:08trouble with the
23:09same-sex marriage
23:10debate is that it
23:10can only be taken
23:11advantage of by gay
23:12people, and that's
23:13discriminatory.
23:15Yes, what about
23:16heterosexual marriages,
23:17Klaus von Buehler?
23:18You were portrayed in
23:19the movie Reversal of
23:20Fortune by Jeremy
23:21Irons.
23:21Was that a fair
23:22representation?
23:23My civil liberties
23:24have been
23:25egregiously violated.
23:27It was a very
23:28strange performance.
23:29You have no idea.
23:32What if you'd been
23:32played by Lady Gaga,
23:34Peter the Frog Astley?
23:36I don't know.
23:38You know, Sean, I'm
23:39godmother to Elton John's
23:40kids, and I don't know
23:42if you know this, but
23:43Elton John is gay.
23:44Is he?
23:44This is what he wears
23:45down the shops to go
23:46buy some milk.
23:50Can you imagine what
23:51he'd wear if he
23:52actually got married?
23:54Thank you, Lady Gaga.
23:56They say home is where
23:58the heart is, but here
23:59in Australia, if you're
23:59gay and you want to get
24:00married, you have to
24:01marry a gay person of
24:02the opposite sex, and
24:03where's the fun in that?
24:05Thank you to each of
24:06our guests, who will
24:07each tonight receive a
24:08beautiful colotto ham.
24:10And Gertrude Stein's
24:12ghost, I'm so sorry we
24:13didn't get to you.
24:24Needs toner.
24:30Well, it's been a week
24:34since New Zealand
24:35legalised same-sex
24:36marriage, and Liberal
24:37Senator Cory Bernardi, who
24:38predicted that the next
24:39step would be having
24:40three or four people
24:41enter into a permanent
24:42union, and possibly
24:43consensual sex between
24:45humans and animals, must
24:47be surprised that so far
24:48there have been no
24:49reports of any New
24:50Zealanders now demanding
24:51the right to marry their
24:52Facebook friends, or a
24:53pigeon, or a nest of
24:55wasps, or a combination
24:56of Facebook friends,
24:57pigeons and wasps, like
24:59some sort of Noah's Ark
25:00love boat.
25:01But I don't want to rush
25:03to judgement.
25:03I'm sure if there are any
25:04developments along these
25:05lines, we'll be informed
25:06via Senator Bernardi's
25:07website.
25:08Common sense lives here.
25:11Presumably Cory had to
25:12move out because they
25:13weren't compatible.
25:14And if I could just
25:15direct you to the email
25:16subscription area here,
25:18common sense, get more
25:19in one email than in a
25:20month from the ABC.
25:23That's a little harsh on
25:24ABC content, isn't it?
25:29All right, what's next?
25:40Well, Maggie Bathysphere
25:42has just finished watching
25:43a delayed feed of
25:43Celebrity Splash, which
25:44means the ABC satellite is
25:46now free to cross to her at
25:47Fish Stadium.
25:48Maggie.
25:49Yeah, sorry about that,
25:50Sean, but I'm a big fan of
25:52Celebrity Diving.
25:53All right, right.
25:54Now, Maggie, 15 horses from
25:55the Godolphin stables have
25:56tested positive to a banned
25:58substance, four of them
25:59the same steroid found in
26:01the urine of Canadian
26:02sprinter Ben Johnson in
26:031988.
26:04Thoughts?
26:05It's a farce, Sean, a
26:06bloody farce.
26:07That trainer was in
26:08charge of some of the
26:09best racehorses in the
26:10world, and he's making
26:10them drink Ben Johnson's
26:12old urine.
26:14Farcical.
26:14Now, the trainer got an
26:16eight-year suspension, but
26:17the horse has only got
26:17six months.
26:18Surely the horses should be
26:20taking an equal share of
26:21the responsibility.
26:22Otherwise, it's starting to
26:23look like Aussie rules
26:24football.
26:24I quite agree, Sean.
26:27It's a farce.
26:28Maggie, different code.
26:29Ten-week ban.
26:31Liverpool striker Luis
26:32Suarez for biting Chelsea's
26:34Branislav Ivanovic.
26:35Yeah, well, it's not the
26:36first offence, Sean.
26:37Suarez has been caught
26:38chomping on one of his
26:39opponents before.
26:40Just as well you're not
26:41allowed to use your hands
26:42in soccer, or he'd be
26:42coming at these guys with
26:43a knife and fork.
26:45Could some of these
26:46performance-enhancing
26:47substances be to blame
26:49here, Mags?
26:49Oh, there's been no
26:50suggestion of Suarez using
26:51them, Sean, no.
26:52Yeah, sure, Sean, but if
26:53Ivanovic had, Suarez might
26:55be hoping to ingest some
26:56of them by eating Ivanovic.
26:58Well, of course, he
26:59wouldn't be the first
27:00Uruguayan football player
27:01to eat another football
27:02player, Sean.
27:03Remember that film,
27:03Alive?
27:04Yeah.
27:05Well, that was after a
27:06plane crash in the Andes,
27:07not after a penalty at
27:08Anfield.
27:10Yeah, mind you, if I had
27:11to eat a sports star, I'd
27:13probably steer away from
27:14footballers and tuck into
27:15some of those free-range
27:17Aussie netballers.
27:18Now, Maggie, what about
27:25Waterhouse Gate?
27:27Yeah, right, Sean.
27:28So, Singo says Tommy
27:29Waterhouse told friends of
27:31Singos' horse that Tommy's
27:32mum, Gay, was training,
27:33couldn't win because there
27:34was something wrong with
27:35it, despite the fact it
27:36was given the all-clear by
27:37two vets.
27:38All right, now, when was
27:39this, Mags?
27:39On Anzac Day.
27:40Were they Vietnam vets?
27:43Can't tell, Sean.
27:44I'm blind to race.
27:46Quiet, wife.
27:47Thanks very much, Mags.
27:48And don't forget about
27:49Celebrity Splash next week,
27:51Sean.
27:51You're going to be
27:51watching, aren't you?
27:52Only if they drain the
27:53water out of the pool.
27:56Not coming up because
28:00Stephen Fry is just
28:01around the corner.
28:02I know because my
28:03grinder app just went
28:03off.
28:06Where's Silvio?
28:08Where's Silvio?
28:10Where's Silvio?
28:12There he is.
28:15Well, a final word, if I
28:19may, about Clive Palmer.
28:20In fact, some final words.
28:22And not so much about
28:22Clive Palmer as from
28:24Clive Palmer.
28:25Clive has a very
28:26interesting relationship
28:27with the English language.
28:28Obviously, they are not
28:29on speaking terms.
28:32Shouldn't be too
28:32detached to property.
28:34Yes, we shouldn't be
28:35too detached to property.
28:36Now, Clive has used the
28:37word detached to mean
28:38attached.
28:39And it takes a very brave
28:41man to use a word in
28:42completely the opposite way
28:43to its dictionary
28:44definition.
28:44I admire that.
28:45But I admire even more a
28:47man who uses a word that
28:48doesn't even exist.
28:50That's what happens for
28:51corporate directors.
28:53A corpony director.
28:54Now, presumably, that is
28:56the director of a corpony.
28:57This is where Clive, in my
28:59view, becomes a poet.
29:00Merging corporation and
29:02company, as corporation
29:03and companies often do in
29:04real life, to create a
29:05completely new word.
29:06But if I've doffed my hat to
29:08Clive already, I have to
29:09remove my trousers and
29:10underpants for this description
29:12of what politicians say and
29:14how journalists report it.
29:16The storings get boring and
29:17boring every day?
29:19Said Alice.
29:23The storings get boring and
29:25boring every day.
29:26Storings are stories, I guess,
29:28that are already boring.
29:29And these, according to Clive,
29:30are getting even more boring.
29:32He's right.
29:33Goodbye.
29:34Oh, Mickey, you're so fun,
29:37you're so fun, you blow my
29:38mind, hey, Mickey.
29:40Hey, Mickey.
29:50Delicious.
29:51Thank you, Sean.
29:52Thank you, Sean.