Original Broadcast Date: April 17th 2013
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TVTranscript
00:30Thank you very much.
00:36If there's anything Australians love more than the media showing our leaders striding
00:41the international stage, it's the media showing overseas media showing our leaders striding
00:45the international stage.
00:47TV reports of Chinese newspaper coverage and footage of footage from Chinese news bulletins
00:52reflect back to us what we already know deep down in our hearts, that we're not sure that
00:57we're as good as the rest of the world unless other countries tell us we are.
01:01But if there's something I don't love, it's other countries stealing our thunder.
01:07Okay, so we go to China to sort out North Korea, and no sooner are we back home sorting out
01:13an even greater threat, Western Sydney, when the US sends its Secretary of State to China
01:19to do exactly the same thing we did.
01:21And it's not as if this sort of thing hasn't happened before.
01:23Whitlam goes over in 71.
01:26The next year, Nixon does the same thing.
01:28We make Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
01:30A year later, they make two Wong Fu, thanks for everything Julie Newman.
01:34We have someone who controls most of our media.
01:37They get someone to control most of their media.
01:39But the thing that really gets my goat about John Kerry is that he's not content with just
01:45imitating Julia Gillard.
01:46He has to emulate another much-loved Australian as well.
01:53Are you with me?
01:55If you are, send your entries to the Does John Kerry Appear to Be Ripping Me Off competition
01:59care of the ABC in your capital city, and you could be in the running to win a set of
02:04late-lined his and hers personal lubricants, courtesy of the ABC shop.
02:09And the thing is that Julia Gillard's trip to China was great for her popularity.
02:13The polls aren't so good this week, now that the luster of her globetrotting has worn off.
02:16But according to last week's news poll, her absence from the country made her more popular
02:21by 2%.
02:22But what's even more interesting is that Julia Gillard not being in Australia also made
02:26Tony Abbott 3% less popular.
02:29Mad-ass stats queen Clancy Lanyard.
02:31What's the 4-1-1 on this shizzle?
02:33Well, Sean, absence makes the heart grow fonder, in this case, by 2%, as you've already mentioned.
02:39But I think the PM's non-presence has had an unintended side effect for the coalition,
02:44in that with the PM not being here to draw fire, the public have had nowhere else to look
02:48but at Tony Abbott.
02:49And that over-familiarity has bred contempt to the tune of 3%.
02:53Can the Labor government turn this into an election strategy?
02:57Well, I think if her backbenchers could convince Julia Gillard to move overseas permanently,
03:01then I think they would have a very good chance come September 14.
03:06If being in China got her 2%, then being as far away as, say, Alaska could get her as much as 12%.
03:14All right. She's in something of a clef stick, though, isn't she?
03:17In that if she tries to come back after the election and govern, people would start to prefer Tony Abbott again.
03:21Well, look, I think the long-term solution for the labs is for Gillard to rule in exile,
03:26like the Dalai Lama or Julian Assange.
03:29All right. Thanks very much, Clancy.
03:30But what about the unemployment figures just out?
03:33Could these impact on Labor's chances?
03:35According to the San Francisco Chronicle, our unemployment rate is 5.4%,
03:39the highest it's been in over three years.
03:41Blip or trend? Let's find out.
03:43With mad-ass economics intern Jennifer Stolls.
03:46It's a blip, Sean, and that's economics.
03:58Hang on, hang on, hang on. Isn't she going to go into more detail?
04:01Aren't you going to go into more detail than that?
04:03Well, it's just a 0.2% rise in the previous month.
04:06There's not much more I can say.
04:10Right, OK. Well, the Coalition think it's a trend, don't they, vomitoria catchment?
04:16I didn't think we were doing her this week.
04:21No, no, we're doing it now.
04:23Sorry.
04:24Yeah, hurry, hurry.
04:30Yeah, Ros has just got a change in the vomitoria.
04:35She's my favourite character, her and the Kraken.
04:38Oh, yeah.
04:39Yeah, I like the Kraken, too.
04:41You see that dance he did to Tony Basil's song?
04:44It's really funny.
04:46Why did he do it?
04:48The dance?
04:52Rehearsal or something, isn't it?
04:59So how's school?
05:02It's all right.
05:03Mum says I have to choose what subjects I'm going to drop for HSC next year.
05:07I said I might as well drop all of them, given the $2 billion they're going to cut on uni funding.
05:14Oh, here she comes.
05:245.4% unemployment rate, vomitoria catchment.
05:28Trend or blip?
05:29Well, Lolita here can spin it any way she likes.
05:34Merry-go-round, lazy Susan, centrifugue, dreidel.
05:39But the fact of the matter is that unemployment in this country is about to go all Spanish on our arses and Labor knows it.
05:46In this current economic climate, or should that be econ-comic climate?
05:55No, it's economic, I think.
05:56They know they've created a climate where it's very difficult to employ Australians.
06:06Well, not only is it difficult to employ Australians, Joe Hockey goes further and says,
06:09It's harder and not easier to employ Australians.
06:15Harder and not easier.
06:17That's very bloody emphatic.
06:19Yes, I'll say.
06:19But minus statistical changes in the trend, if Clancy were still here, she'd be able to back me up on this.
06:27No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:29You need to assimilate months or even years of data in order to interpret something as a trend.
06:35And let's not forget that even at 5.6% unemployment, Aussies still enjoy one of the lowest unemployment rates in the world.
06:42Not for long we won't, sweetheart.
06:45And you don't have me Nostra bloody dharmas to predict the way this trend is going, and that is down the gurgler for Madam Gillard.
06:51Check out this gif I did on my website.
07:00That's classic formatorium.
07:02If it is a trend, how long do you think it might continue?
07:06Well, at least until September 14.
07:09OK.
07:09And beyond September 14?
07:12Beyond September 14, it's a legacy of Labor's mismanagement that the coalition government are doing their best to contain.
07:18But if that lasts for longer than six to eight months, then you can start calling it a blip, Sean.
07:23Right.
07:24She's crazy.
07:27She's loving it.
07:28Yes.
07:32And later on in the program, I speak with a Labor spokesperson about Simon Crean's claim that class warfare policies are dividing the government.
07:41Yeah, well, that's just Simon being Simon.
07:43Well, Martin Ferguson thinks so too.
07:44What about the others?
07:45What about Greg Combe?
07:47Greg Combe?
07:48Yeah.
07:48What does Greg Combe think about the whole class warfare thing?
07:50Ooh la la.
07:51How very continental.
07:53I think you'll find it's pronounced Combet.
07:56I'm pretty sure it's Combe.
07:58All right then, Frenchie.
08:00Monsieur Combe has exhibited no disquiet about the superannuation changes or the cut to the single parent's benefit.
08:07Nor has class war been mentioned by anybody else in our cabinet.
08:12I've never heard anybody pronounce it Combe.
08:14Are you going to ask me about whether we can deliver a surplus budget?
08:21And to see that interview in full, go to our website on the internet.
08:25And speaking of the internet, the Coalition launched its National Broadband Network proposal this week.
08:30And yes, compared to the government's NBN, it's a far inferior service.
08:34But the good news is that you will get that inferior service sooner.
08:37And it's cheaper.
08:40So sooner, cheaper, and politicians always speak in threes, don't they?
08:45Help me out, somebody.
08:46Sooner, cheaper and more affordably.
08:52Cheaper and more affordably.
08:54Hopefully they can get it to cost less as well.
08:56So less expensive but not as good.
08:59It's Bjorn again to Labor's ABBA.
09:02It's a tribute broadband network.
09:04Now, the major difference between the two networks is that Labor runs fibre to your home,
09:09allowing broadband speeds of about 100 megabits a second,
09:13whereas the Coalition runs fibre to a node at the end of your street
09:16and then reduces the whole thing down to 25 megabits,
09:19where it hooks up to the copper wire that runs to your house.
09:22So it's sort of the reverse of Labor's asylum seeker policy,
09:25where you spend days travelling by boat from Indonesia to Australia,
09:28and then you're flown immediately to Nauru.
09:30But this is Malcolm Turnbull's baby.
09:33And Tony Abbott, to his credit, has been very generous to the man whose job he took.
09:37The man who had hoped, one day, to be known as Prime Minister.
09:41I'm confident that in the years to come, Malcolm is going to be Mr Broadband.
09:50It's got a great ring to it, hasn't it? Mr Broadband.
09:53It's right up there with Mr Antenna.
09:55Not that Tony Abbott doesn't know a thing or two about technology himself,
10:01as he ably demonstrated before a spellbound audience.
10:05That's a computer-generated representation of Sonny Bill, isn't it?
10:10Well spotted.
10:14Well spotted indeed.
10:14A lot of people would have thought the real Sonny Bill had magically appeared in front of them.
10:19Perhaps been down from a spaceship hovering over Fox Studios.
10:22And incidentally, very good of the owners of Fox Studios
10:25to let the Coalition launch their broadband policy there
10:27and give them access to the sort of technology
10:29that won't be possible in their homes as a result.
10:31Grand architect of Labor's faster, later and more costly broadband rollout, Stephen Conroy,
10:38thought that both Mr Broadband and Mr Abbott
10:40were proposing something incomparable.
10:43I can't find a dumber piece of public policy.
10:48How quickly they forget.
10:50And later in the program, I talked to hipster Jeremiah Stint
10:53about the Coalition's broadband proposal.
10:56Well, I understand that, but at the slowest speed of 25 megabits per second,
11:00can you, um...
11:02Oh, come on!
11:03What?
11:04The pause, get on with it!
11:06Oh, um...
11:07Oh, come on, what are you, rebuffering?
11:10Uh, I don't know.
11:11Oh, f***ing hell, this is taking forever!
11:17But this week's not all about speed in the cyber world.
11:20It's about speed in the real world, too.
11:22Since the arrival of the First Fleet,
11:23we have dreamed of a high-velocity rail system
11:26linking the great cities of our East Coast and Brisbane.
11:29This week, Anthony Albanese talked up the possibility,
11:33and the other political parties weighed in, too.
11:35But it was the Greens who hit the nail on the head
11:37when they said they want high-speed rail fast-tracked.
11:42But how?
11:43As with the national broadband rollout,
11:45the Libs and the Labs have competing ideas.
11:47Labor says a 300km per hour link
11:50from Melbourne to Canberra to Sydney to Brisbane
11:51will cost $114 billion.
11:53The Coalition say they can do it for $22 billion,
11:57but the tracks will run only to a small box
11:59in a paddock 30km south of each of the cities
12:02called a node,
12:03from which all the passengers will be required
12:05to transfer to a shuttle
12:07and then travel the rest of the way
12:08at speeds up to 5km per hour.
12:12And coming up a little later on,
12:19I speak with Ian Orbspider
12:20about Labor's dream of a high-speed train
12:22able to travel faster than the speed of light,
12:25thereby allowing it to travel backwards in time
12:27to when Labor and its Prime Minister were popular.
12:32Still, this week's not all about high-speed trains either.
12:35Sometimes it can be about very slow boats.
12:37One arrived in Geraldton last Wednesday,
12:39carrying 66 Sri Lankans who said
12:41they wanted to get to New Zealand.
12:43Presumably, they'd all been promised contracts
12:45with the New Zealand cricket board.
12:47Authorities apparently hadn't intercepted the boat
12:49as they thought it was part of the Deutsche Bank
12:51corporate entertainment package.
12:55Incidentally, it's nice to see bipartisan support
12:57for dealing with boat arrivals
12:58by excising the Australian mainland
13:00from the migration zone.
13:02This means that arriving in Australia itself
13:04is not legally arriving in Australia.
13:07You don't get access to our laws,
13:09you just get access to Nauru or Manus Island.
13:11And that's good news for people
13:12who don't like the idea of handing out protection visas.
13:15It is complicated,
13:17so let me explain it to you
13:18through the prism of pop culture.
13:26It's a bit like the life of Pi.
13:29Pi represents the boat arrivals,
13:32enduring a long trip at sea
13:33with much sacrifice and danger
13:35before arriving in Mexico, Australia,
13:38and telling his story to authorities.
13:41No, no, hang on, no, no, that doesn't work.
13:42He makes up the story
13:44and they prefer to believe it
13:45because the truth is too horrible.
13:47That's all right.
13:47I've got another one.
13:48Here we are.
13:49It's a bit like the Hunger Games.
13:51Katniss and Peter are the boat arrivals
13:53and they endure many challenges and travails
13:56and then right at the very end,
13:58the game maker, Seneca Crane,
13:59who is Immigration Minister Brendan O'Connor,
14:01suddenly changes the rules
14:04and then...
14:05No, no, hang on, that doesn't work either
14:06because the Hunger Games has a happy ending.
14:08That's all right.
14:09Got it.
14:10It's like Scary Movie 5.
14:14Probably not worth all the effort.
14:15Still to come,
14:19why the New South Wales government
14:20dug up Taylor Square's
14:21rainbow-coloured pedestrian crossing?
14:24Well, basically, it's a road safety issue, Sean.
14:27A vibrant spectrum of colours like that
14:30will distract drivers
14:31and may cause an accident.
14:32Yeah, but the pedestrian crossing is on the road.
14:34Surely anything that draws the driver's attention
14:36to the road is a helpful thing.
14:39This was painted for the Mardi Gras, Sean,
14:42and at that time,
14:43people are walking along the road
14:45instead of across it
14:46and we felt that that was sending
14:47a confused message.
14:49Yeah, all right.
14:49Well, what about after the Mardi Gras, though?
14:51We felt that some homophobic pedestrians
14:54may not want to use the crossing
14:56and thereby try to cross
14:58at another, more dangerous part of the road.
15:01Still, it's a pity, though, isn't it?
15:03Well, I guess it's like they say in the song, Sean,
15:06some were over the rainbow.
15:13Back with more in just a moment.
15:19Yes.
15:20Introducing the all-new Holden Redundancy
15:32with electronic promise braking
15:35and future spoiler.
15:38Employment stability control
15:40not optional on this model.
15:42It's the future of motoring in Australia.
15:45New Holden Redundancy.
15:47Available now for 500 workers.
15:50Drive away.
15:51No more to work there.
15:54This Friday on an all-new
15:56Miss Fisher murder mystery.
15:59What is it, Constable?
16:01Political discourse in this country is...
16:03dead.
16:04And who do you think is responsible?
16:06The lazy reportage of tweets by the print media.
16:09Oh, Constable.
16:10The ailing print media
16:11wouldn't have the strength
16:12to do something like this.
16:13Discursive shift of ideology
16:16brought on by the neoliberalism
16:17of the Australian government.
16:19This is a calculated
16:20and cold-blooded execution
16:21by somebody
16:22or something
16:24who does this sort of thing
16:26for a living.
16:27Andrew Bolt.
16:28No.
16:29Whoever did this
16:30knew exactly what they were doing.
16:32Assemble Piers Ackerman
16:33in the drawing room.
16:36Miss Fisher murder mysteries
16:38Friday night, 8.30.
16:41How was that, Dave?
16:42Adequate.
16:43Okay, then.
16:45Bye.
17:00See ya.
17:00Have a good weekend.
17:01Bye.
17:02Thanks.
17:39Well, a lighter story now,
17:51and Margaret Thatcher's funeral is happening as we speak.
17:54Power time.
17:55As you know, she passed away last week
17:57at London's famous Ritz Hotel,
18:00and so well-regarded was she there
18:02that they allowed her a late checkout.
18:05They certainly treated her a lot better
18:06than the Brighton Hotel did back in 1984.
18:09She will be...
18:11Too soon?
18:15She will be remembered as a Prime Minister
18:16who encourage ordinary people to own their own piece of Britain.
18:20Providing, of course, she weren't Argentinian.
18:23And then there was her unemployment policy.
18:25Here is Mrs Thatcher,
18:26indicating how many millions of Britons were out of work
18:28in her first term of office.
18:30And indeed, it's the legacy of her economic policies
18:33that continue to polarise people today.
18:34So polarised, in fact, that no-one can agree
18:37on how to pronounce the word most commonly used to describe her.
18:40Divisive.
18:41Divisive.
18:42Divisive.
18:42Divisive.
18:43Divisive.
18:44But I think all Britons were as one
18:46in looking forward to the funeral.
18:47In fact, Royal Watcher Gay March,
18:49not since the last royal wedding,
18:51has this much money been spent
18:52on a Queen-attended church function.
18:54Oh, well, there might be another one very soon, Sean.
18:57A little birdie tells me
18:59that Prince Harry might be set to announce his engagement.
19:02Oh, how lovely, how lovely.
19:04Yeah.
19:04Her name's Christina.
19:06As in the Toyota.
19:07Oh.
19:09Oh, what a feeling, Sean.
19:12Well, let's hope she's not recalled.
19:14Oh, no, there's nothing wrong with her airbags.
19:20Oh, but Prince Harry's father will be very proud.
19:25Yes, as will Prince Charles, I'm sure.
19:27Thank you, Gary.
19:28Joining us from London is Derek O'Moog
19:31from Smith's tribute band, The Smythes.
19:33Derek, you think £10 million of public monies
19:37is too much to spend on a funeral, yeah?
19:39Mrs Thatcher would be spinning in her grave
19:42if she knew how much it cost to put her there.
19:45I think Sir Mark Thatcher should bury her himself.
19:49Perhaps in Equatorial Guinea.
19:52Oh, sorry, Derek, we'll have to leave it there.
19:54I've just had word that there was a last-minute change
19:56to the route of the funeral procession,
19:57so let's cross live to over my left shoulder
20:00to ABC international traffic correspondent Yana Ninebottles.
20:03Yana.
20:04Thanks, Sean.
20:05Will the altered route saw the cortege
20:07leave the Chapel of St Mary, Undercroft, in Westminster,
20:10travelling up Whitehall and through Trafalgar Square,
20:13avoiding the Northern Miners' Alliance
20:15and gay and lesbian lobby groups,
20:17before continuing on to St Clement Dane's Chapel,
20:20but in through the back door
20:21so as to dodge Billy Bragg and Ken Loach out the front.
20:24From there, it was down a number of back alleys
20:27off Fleet Street
20:28to bypass numerous disenfranchised mobs,
20:31placard-wielding members of the long-term unemployed,
20:33as well as the League of Anarchists,
20:35then up towards Ludgate Hill,
20:37where a decoy hearse will occupy the sons and daughters
20:40of the poll tax riot,
20:41while the real hearse arrives safely
20:44at St Paul's Cathedral.
20:46Thanks, Yana.
20:47Of course, a great feather in our cap
20:49back here in Australia
20:50is that our own John Howard has been invited to attend.
20:53A great honour, isn't it, Peter the Frog Astley?
20:56Whoa.
20:56I thought it was,
20:58and then I saw that Jeremy Clarkson was going as well.
21:01Is Elton John doing a number
21:04like he did for Princess Diana?
21:06I don't know.
21:07Well, he took Goodbye, Norma Jean
21:09and rather famously changed it to Goodbye, England's Rose.
21:11Are there any songs from Elton's back catalogue,
21:14in your opinion,
21:14which would suggest themselves as appropriate for this occasion?
21:20Daniel.
21:23And what would you change the lyrics to?
21:24I wouldn't.
21:26Tony Eel is in charge of the magazine rack
21:30at the John Howard Library in Canberra.
21:32Tony, Mr Howard is on record as saying this.
21:36She was the best British Prime Minister
21:38since Winston Churchill.
21:40He must be chuffed to be going.
21:43Oh, yes, he's very excited.
21:45In fact, as a mark of respect,
21:46he's changed his middle name by deed poll
21:48from Winston to Maggie just for tomorrow.
21:50Fantastic.
21:50Will he be wearing his glasses?
21:52I'm worried that if he does,
21:53they'll mistake him for Helmut Kohl.
21:54Well, he asked me to check out the protocol
21:57because he's invited not only to the service
21:59but is Australia's representative at the funeral
22:01and he wants to do the right thing.
22:03He wanted to know whether he would be allowed
22:04to walk along behind the cortege.
22:06Oh, yeah.
22:07I said, providing you keep a respectful distance.
22:09He said, how about 30 centimetres?
22:12He's a fan, though.
22:13I mean, he's very keen, isn't he?
22:14He also wanted to know whether he would be allowed
22:16to throw himself into the grave at the funeral,
22:18pries the lid off the coffin and climb inside
22:21and, in fact, be buried along with the Baroness.
22:24Didn't he do that at Robert Menzies' funeral?
22:26And Donald Bradman.
22:28I told him I didn't think it was advisable on this occasion
22:31because Baroness Thatcher is being cremated.
22:34Sure.
22:34We've taken precautions, though.
22:36I've warned Jeanette,
22:37and if he makes a break for the furnace and tries to get in,
22:39she's been told to shoot him with one of those sedative darts
22:41that they use on circus lines.
22:44Excellent.
22:45Well, George Negus' famous interview with Maggie Thatcher
22:49has been getting a lot of airplay this week,
22:51less so my interview with her conducted a mere two-and-a-half minutes later
22:55for McAuliffe Tonight on the same network.
22:57I remember I passed George on the way out of the hotel room.
23:00I said, how did it go?
23:01He lied and said it went really well.
23:04Embarrassingly, I asked exactly the same questions that George did,
23:06although, frankly, I think I got out of it a lot better.
23:09Why do people stop us in the street
23:16and say that Margaret Thatcher isn't just inflexible,
23:19she's not just single-minded.
23:22On occasion, she is plain pig-headed.
23:26Will you tell me who has stopped you in the street and said that?
23:29Well, yeah, lots of people.
23:31Lots of people have said that.
23:33Will you tell me who and where and when?
23:35Um, yeah, absolutely.
23:37Um, okay, well, there's, uh, there, what's, oh, what's his name?
23:41Um, Roger, Roger Crinn, he said that to me at a restaurant.
23:48Um, Murray, Murray Roof said that.
23:54George Lamp, uh, Sigismund's tripod.
23:59Todd, um, Barry and Marion, um, Lenz.
24:05They were, uh, they were very open about that.
24:08And, uh, that was, I can't remember the name of the street, uh,
24:10they were in, but it was, uh, quite recently.
24:13Uh, George Negus said it to me, just on the way out after that interview.
24:17Uh, that guy, uh, mentioned it to me earlier.
24:20Um, uh, uh, Liberace Carmen is a very good butcher of mine.
24:29He mentioned, uh, that.
24:31Said you were pig-headed.
24:33Um, uh, Larry Shue, um, Tony Camera, uh, Leroy Armitage, uh, Hare.
24:48All of these people have said this to me.
24:51Not coming up, cos QI's back on at 8.30.
24:56Julia Gillard's bold new campaign strategy.
25:00And her partner, Tim Matheson, escapes unharmed for a motorcycle mishap.
25:04Well, finally, if you're one of those who believe we need to invest more money in education,
25:11you'll be delighted with the federal government's latest announcement
25:13on the increase to school education funding.
25:16If, on the other hand, you think, no way, man, we need to take money out of education,
25:20then you'll also be delighted with the announcement.
25:23That's the brilliance of the government's proposal.
25:25Putting billions into schools and taking billions out of universities.
25:29Christopher Pyne described it a different way.
25:32This is robbing Peter to pay Paul.
25:34Now, now, with respect, Christopher, I-I disagree.
25:37If they're taking money out of education to put it into education,
25:40they're robbing Peter to pay Peter, aren't they?
25:42It's a victimless crime. Paul isn't involved at all.
25:45But exactly how will the states and the Commonwealth fund this $14.5 billion proposal?
25:51We will be able to put in $2 to their $1.
25:55Well, there's $3 already.
25:58We're on our way.
25:59But at the end of the day, I think you'll find that it's Christopher Pyne who has the last laugh.
26:05This is a Konski, not a Gonski.
26:07I was wrong. Goodbye.
26:17Jive, baby.
26:24Copyright 2013.
26:28Mr. Sheffield.
26:31Oh, Miss Fine.
26:31Was born today.
26:32You know what other things are we doing?
26:33You know what other things are doing?
26:33I'm
26:38like,
26:53you know what other things are listening to me.
26:55I'm in that book.