Original Broadcast Date: April 10th 2013
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00One, two, three!
00:30Hello, thank you very much.
00:37Well, some good news and some bad news from the mad-ass yin-yang table this week,
00:42where tonight my half-full, half-empty glass contains tears of both joy and sadness.
00:47Joy at the fact that according to our September 14th doomsday clock,
00:51the federal election is on in only...
00:53T-minus five and a half months.
00:55So we're nearly halfway there, and that makes me very happy.
00:58But sadness that according to our North Korean nuclear strike doomsday stopwatch,
01:03we're all being wiped out on the next week or so.
01:09Now, I know that every year during the US-South Korean military manoeuvres,
01:12there's a lot of sabre rattling, and that was fun when it was Kim Jong-il.
01:16He was just a lovable nutcase with delusions of grandeur,
01:19and the world would just humour him in the way that you would other lovable nutcases
01:22like Hugo Chavez or Clive Palmer.
01:25But the son of Kim Jong-il is not quite as amusing as the original,
01:30much in the way that the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers was funny,
01:33but the son of the Pink Panther with Roberto Benigni
01:36was something the UN should have sanctioned more severely
01:39before things went on to become much, much worse.
01:42Now, Kim Jong-un has mobilised forces, he's held parades, he's blown up a mountain,
01:51he's led his own generals into the sea, sat in a chair looking bored,
01:56moved missile launchers so they faced the US,
01:59and issued the usual bellicose and not at all insane-sounding threats.
02:03Throw all enemies into the cauldron, break their wastes and crack their windpipes.
02:09I mean, how do you break a waste?
02:12I didn't even know that was possible.
02:15Michelle Bridges works everyone pretty hard on The Biggest Loser,
02:17but even she hasn't done that.
02:19Incidentally, I love the fact that the guy in the corner there
02:22has stopped writing at that point,
02:24and he's just staring in disbelief.
02:27He's probably thinking, you know, where am I going to get a cauldron?
02:29You know, I can't get it at the Joint Industrial Zone K-Song Complex
02:33because the Supreme Leader's closed it.
02:35Can't order one on the internet because we don't have the internet.
02:39Can't think of anything else I can use off the top of my head.
02:46Right.
02:47Meanwhile, the US has tried to calm things down
02:50by arranging a flyover of some B-2 stealth bombers
02:53and setting up a missile defence system in Guam.
02:56More tellingly, and an indication as to just how serious
02:59everything has got,
03:00Washington and Beijing are testing their defence hotline,
03:03a specific phone link-up between the two superpowers.
03:07Mind you, why they need to set up a special phone line is beyond me,
03:09given that the Chinese military hacked into the White House months ago.
03:12They could just text Obama on Michelle's mobile.
03:16Still, I do like the idea of a dedicated hotline.
03:20Fairfax's John Garneau says,
03:21it's not quite Dr. Strangelove,
03:23but just how great is the threat of all our worldwide nuclear war,
03:26vice, rear cabin boy, Bobo Gargle.
03:29Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about it, Sean.
03:32I don't think Pyongyang's that serious about mounting a nuclear attack.
03:37They claim to be about to power up their Yongbyon nuclear reactor,
03:41but this is the state of it the last time we saw it, back in 2006.
03:46Yeah.
03:49So I think they might be a little way off making weapons-grade plutonium, don't you?
03:53Yes, I see.
03:54Oh, yes, they do have some stockpiles,
03:56but they don't have the long-range missile capabilities
03:58to hit any targets in the US.
04:00Yes, but they could hit Australia, couldn't they?
04:01Yes, theoretically, yes, but geopolitically,
04:12they would have no reason to attack us.
04:15Australia has always been aware of its vulnerability in the region
04:18and thus very diplomatic
04:20when it comes to sensitive issues like border disputes.
04:23Yeah, but Julia Gillard declared support for South Korea
04:26before she left for China last week.
04:27She rang President Park Gwynh-hye on her own hotline.
04:31She left the country?
04:34Yeah, yeah, she did.
04:39China?
04:40Yes, yes.
04:46Could I borrow your phone?
04:47Certainly.
04:49Better fight fire with fire.
04:51Get me the Lucas Heights nuclear reactor.
04:54That would not be necessary, mein Fuhrer.
04:57Excuse me, Mr. McAless.
05:00Lucas Heights is essentially a research facility.
05:04They don't enrich plutonium for the weapons.
05:07They make isotopes for medical purposes.
05:11Medical purposes?
05:12My suggestion would be to provide Kim Jong-un
05:15with a food program,
05:17but only send him the barium meals.
05:20They would become radioactive, yes,
05:22and eventually explode in a small mushroom cloud,
05:26which we could hide from
05:28in some of the many mine shafts
05:30created by our excellent mining industry.
05:33Each survey would have to be made
05:35of suitable candidates
05:36to be sent down to breed
05:38in the mines,
05:40but perhaps a list of Logie winners
05:42won't suffice.
05:44Hated by Asha Cady.
05:48Still to come.
05:50KFC introduces massive deep fryer
05:53for new mega-bucket deal.
05:56Quarter CEO Alan Joyce
05:57demonstrates backup plan
05:59while Dreamliner is delayed.
06:00And Nelson Mandela,
06:03discharged from hospital.
06:08Well, Julia Gillard's message to China
06:10during her five-day visit
06:11was clear and strong.
06:13Please protect us from North Korea
06:14and continue buying our minerals.
06:16But it wasn't all about kissing up to China.
06:19The PM also took the opportunity
06:20to kiss the IMF's Christine Lagarde,
06:23trucking magnate Lindsay Fox,
06:26and the New Zealand Prime Minister.
06:28And that rarity in Ms Gillard's life,
06:30a former Australian Prime Minister
06:31who is not after her job.
06:35Of course, there were certain people
06:37at the forum that Ms Gillard didn't kiss.
06:39At least not on camera.
06:41Indeed, most of the major arse-kissing
06:42was left to Twiggy Forrest
06:44of Fortescue Metals.
06:45Now it's time to really lift our game
06:46and to say to China,
06:48we've always been your very good friends.
06:51Now that man who Twiggy is salivating over
06:54is the head of the Import-Export Bank of China,
06:56who is a little hard to read
06:57on the whole relationship.
06:59I think it could be better.
07:05Dude, he's just not that into you.
07:09But the Prime Minister unelect
07:10did not go to China
07:11and play kiss-chasey on her own.
07:14She took three of her most trusted ministers,
07:16Emerson, Carr and Shorten.
07:19The...
07:19No, no, Emerson, Carr and Shorten.
07:24So it's not so much fanfare for the common man
07:27as plain fare for the common man.
07:29But why did our Prime Minister,
07:30Julie Gillard, go to China?
07:31Well, because in China,
07:32a popularity rating of 30%
07:34still means 403 million people like you.
07:37And after her trip to Western Sydney,
07:39she wanted to go somewhere
07:40where the traffic wasn't so bad.
07:43But at least her trip to the Orient
07:45enabled our PM to get her feng shui right,
07:47creating harmony in her surroundings
07:49by keeping certain items
07:50from her previous cabinet
07:51in a corner 5,000 miles away.
07:54Kevin Rudd was even further away in America,
07:56telling students at Harvard University
07:58what was going on in North Korea was like...
08:01A rerun of a bad 1930s movie.
08:05Now, presumably, he's referring to
08:06Ladies in Lavender, which was...
08:09Just dreadful.
08:11Although, perhaps Mr Rudd
08:13was referring to one of two films
08:14made in the 1930s,
08:16which have special significance for him.
08:18She'd done him wrong,
08:19which he's obsessed with.
08:21He constantly goes on about it.
08:23And also, The Lady Vanishes,
08:25which Simon Crean
08:27tried to arrange for him to see recently,
08:29but it didn't work out.
08:30Anyway, if you think you know
08:32what Kevin Rudd is on about
08:34and how going on a speaking tour of the US
08:36serves those in his electorate of Griffith,
08:38write to us,
08:39here are the ABC in your capital city.
08:41And you could win
08:42a lifetime supply of Annabelle crab sticks,
08:45courtesy of the ABC2 show.
08:48Speaking of films,
08:49last week, Julia Gillard announced
08:50her government had committed $20 million
08:52to get Disney to remake their classic
08:5420,000 Leagues Under the Sea in Australia.
08:57It's ridiculous, though.
08:58You can hire it down at the local video store
08:59for $3.
09:01Recently appointed backbencher,
09:03Ed Husic, shares my view,
09:04but for different reasons.
09:05He said,
09:06I don't need 20,000 Leagues of Sea.
09:09I need an MRI at Mount Druid Hospital.
09:12Is he right, Professor Ian Orbspider?
09:14Er, no, Sean.
09:16On the contrary,
09:17he is completely wrong.
09:18Mr Husic's error
09:19is a failure to grasp
09:20basic old-scale imperial measurement,
09:22or avoir du poids,
09:24as the French somewhat pretentiously put it.
09:27In claiming that he doesn't need
09:2920,000 Leagues of Sea,
09:32Mr Husic is equating the word League
09:34with a specific volume of liquid,
09:36in this case,
09:37sea water.
09:37He should have more correctly
09:39announced himself
09:40to have not wanted
09:4220,000 litres of sea,
09:44or 20,000 gallons of sea,
09:46or 20,000 millilitres
09:48or fluid ounces
09:49of sea.
09:51All depending on his preference
09:52for imperial or metric measurement,
09:54and, of course,
09:55exactly how much sea water
09:57he doesn't actually want.
09:58All right, OK.
09:58But this is a good deal
10:00for the local film industry, isn't it?
10:01Hundreds of top-quality Aussie actors
10:03get to be extras,
10:04and our excellent film crews
10:05get to be underpaid
10:06and ordered around by Americans.
10:08And ultimately,
10:09a slightly more interesting film
10:10is produced than one
10:11by a magnetic resonance imaging machine.
10:14$20 million into 20,000 Leagues
10:16works out to $1,000 a league,
10:18and that's a bargain
10:19in anyone's book.
10:20All right, particularly one
10:20by Jules Verne.
10:22And if Ed Husic can't see that,
10:24he needs his head read.
10:25Ironically, by an MRI machine,
10:27which he doesn't have.
10:29All right, thank you very much,
10:30Professor Ian.
10:31Well, we may have to wait
10:32until September 14th
10:34for the election,
10:34but only until May 14th
10:36for the budget.
10:37The Federal Government
10:38has a lot riding on this budget,
10:39and everyone's looking forward
10:40to the budget,
10:41particularly Assistant Treasurer
10:42David Bradbury.
10:43Here he is talking about the budget.
10:45There's a lot of speculation
10:46about what may or may not be
10:48in the budget.
10:50Unfortunately,
10:50people are going to have to wait
10:51until the budget.
10:53We're working through a process,
10:54as all governments do,
10:55in the lead-up to budgets.
10:57When we get to the budget,
10:59all details of any of the policies
11:01that are to be released
11:02as part of the budget
11:03will be made public to all.
11:04Yes, I think the key word here
11:06is budget.
11:10I don't know why he bothered
11:11using any other words at all.
11:12They just get in the way,
11:13don't they?
11:13Budget, budget, budgets,
11:15budget, budget.
11:16It's what they call
11:17being on message.
11:19Another word that's getting
11:20a lot of play this week
11:21is speculation.
11:25Everybody who thought
11:26they were anybody
11:27was speculating on the budget,
11:29particularly what was happening
11:31with superannuation.
11:32Tony Abbott was speculating
11:33this at a morning tea.
11:35Every time a government
11:36raids people's funds,
11:38there are shades of Cyprus about it.
11:40In response,
11:41the Prime Minister
11:42had her own speculation
11:43about Tony Abbott's brain.
11:44This is a crazy statement
11:47that no person of reason
11:49could make.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:51Then, Tony Abbott
11:53speculated back
11:54quite spectacularly.
11:55I think that the
11:56extreme language
11:57of the Prime Minister
11:58is unworthy
11:59of that great office.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:02But where does this
12:04speculation come from
12:05in the first place?
12:05Our Prime Minister
12:06had a theory.
12:07We're now in one of those
12:08pre-budget cycles
12:09where speculation
12:11feeds on rumour,
12:12feeds on speculation,
12:13feeds on rumour.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:15She's right.
12:16Speculation feeds on rumour,
12:17feeds on speculation,
12:18which in turn feeds on rumour.
12:19What's a nice comparison
12:20everybody can relate to?
12:22It's like if the human
12:23centipede was a ringworm.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26We thought we'd
12:28spare you the graphics.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:30On the other hand,
12:30Julie Bishop says
12:31that Labour itself
12:32is fuelling the speculation.
12:34What Labour is doing
12:35is causing
12:36enormous uncertainty
12:37and taking away
12:39confidence from business,
12:40from investment,
12:41by allowing, indeed,
12:43encouraging
12:44this speculation.
12:46Is she right,
12:47vomitoria catchment?
12:48Ah, well,
12:50Julie is always
12:50extremely right.
12:53Um, you know,
12:54Labour was
12:56encouraging speculation
12:58by not telling us
12:59exactly what the
13:00superannuation tax
13:01changes were going to be.
13:02And, um,
13:02we've all got Tony
13:03to thank for getting
13:04the ball rolling
13:05on that one.
13:05Yes, I think we have
13:06footage of Tony
13:07getting the ball rolling.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09APPLAUSE
13:09So, what's wrong
13:14with waiting
13:15till budget night?
13:16Hello?
13:16Check your calendar,
13:18Sean.
13:18This is the 22nd century.
13:20Why should we all
13:21have to adhere
13:21to Labour's
13:22lazy,
13:24slow-leak
13:24info timetable?
13:26Yeah, yeah,
13:26but you don't open
13:27your Christmas presents
13:27on Christmas Eve,
13:28do you,
13:28to spoil the surprise?
13:30Well, I would
13:30if Christmas Eve
13:31was 34 days away.
13:32And let me tell you
13:33something for nothing,
13:34Wayne Swan
13:34ain't no Santa Claus
13:36and there's going to be
13:37no new bike
13:38come May 14.
13:39It's just going to be
13:39the old bike
13:40with a few pieces missing.
13:42And,
13:42it's like I say
13:43on my blog.
13:44I want to know
13:45what pieces
13:46and I want to know
13:46now, Daddy.
13:48Well, lecturer
13:49in media studies
13:49at Ribena Scott
13:50Kindergarten
13:51Lily Dwarf Planet,
13:52what's wrong
13:52with a bit of
13:53delayed gratification?
13:55Well, it seems to me,
13:56Sean, that all Labour
13:57has done,
13:57admittedly in its usual
13:59ham-fisted,
13:59half-cocked-arse
14:00about way,
14:01is prematurely float
14:03what some might say
14:04is a quite reasonable
14:05idea to tax the super
14:06of the top 1%
14:07of wage earners
14:08in this country,
14:09while at the same time
14:10giving super tax breaks
14:11to those who earn
14:12$45,000 or less.
14:14All this speculation
14:15is driven by
14:16the impatience
14:17of a media
14:18who are so desperate
14:19to find a fresh stick
14:20with which to beat
14:21the government.
14:22Oh, yeah.
14:22You listening to this?
14:23If you think,
14:25if you think for a moment
14:27about any of the
14:28Coalition's policies...
14:29Alright, um...
14:31Immigration?
14:32What?
14:33Immigration?
14:34Oh, God.
14:35Immigration?
14:36OK.
14:37OK, immigration.
14:38Tony Abbott
14:39says he wants
14:39to stop the boats,
14:41but precious few details
14:42have been revealed
14:43on exactly how
14:44he's going to do that,
14:45right?
14:45Yet, where's all
14:46the speculation
14:46on that policy?
14:48If indeed dangling
14:49what is effectively
14:49a rubber skeleton
14:50in front of us
14:51and hoping we'll get
14:51scared and vote for them
14:52could be described
14:53as a policy,
14:55where's the scrutiny
14:56and speculation
14:57on the Coalition's
14:58timetable?
14:59If they even have one
15:00for letting us in
15:00on their details.
15:01Well, there's no
15:02speculation on the
15:03Coalition policies
15:04because, as Julie Bishop
15:05says, speculation
15:07makes people feel
15:08very uncertain
15:09and makes them
15:10lose confidence.
15:10Yeah, and they're
15:11not even in government
15:12anyway, are they?
15:13Well, not yet,
15:14but everything is
15:15pointing to a landslide,
15:16although that's just
15:17a rumour and it would
15:18be wrong of me
15:19to speculate.
15:27Speculate.
15:29What?
15:33But I don't want
15:34to be unfair
15:35to Tony Abbott.
15:36The Coalition are very
15:38keen to let you know
15:39that they have real
15:40solutions and that
15:41they do have a plan.
15:43We have actual
15:43photographic evidence
15:44of this.
15:45This screen grab here
15:46was captured by a
15:48keen-eyed viewer
15:49watching the news.
15:50Congratulations to
15:51Marjorie Irving of
15:52Adelaide.
15:53A colotto ham is on
15:54its way to you in the
15:55post.
15:55Colotto, a great taste
15:57of ham.
15:58But is what Mr Abbott
15:59is clutching really a
16:00plan for the future of
16:01this country or is it
16:02a pamphlet?
16:03In my quest to bring
16:05the truth to television
16:06journalism, I have
16:07personally gone back
16:07through the past few
16:08weeks of the opposition
16:09referring to their plan
16:10in order to set the
16:12record straight.
16:13A strong mini-campaign
16:15to promote our
16:17pamphlet,
16:18pamphlets for the people
16:21of Australia and that's
16:22exactly what our pamphlet
16:24does and these are
16:27further developed in this
16:29pamphlet and again our
16:32pamphlet for all these
16:34are in this pamphlet.
16:36The bottom line in our
16:37pamphlet reels, pamphlets,
16:39our promise is that we
16:40will under our pamphlet.
16:42I don't think people are
16:43really that interested in
16:44the polls.
16:45I think what they want is
16:46a pamphlet.
16:47I don't want to be
16:50pedantic though about this.
16:52Brochure would have been
16:53okay as well.
16:55But right now it's time
16:56for a very special mad-ass
16:58hypothetical.
17:04So,
17:04back in the 13th century
17:07the Vikings did it by
17:08putting old people on
17:09ice flows and pushing
17:10them out to sea.
17:12But what was acceptable
17:13and practical back then
17:14is unacceptable and
17:15impractical due to our
17:17laws and global warming.
17:19Spokesperson for the
17:20Greens Di Natale, Barry
17:22Groans, says the states
17:23and territories should
17:24legalise euthanasia.
17:26I do.
17:27Whereas Abraham Plunkett
17:28from the National Council
17:29of Ageing says the
17:30federal government should
17:31do it.
17:32And do it now.
17:33Also joining us tonight
17:34to try and bring both
17:35sides closer together is
17:37Abraham's mother and
17:38friends of the ABC
17:39under-secretary, Cloris
17:40Webler.
17:42Didi Doffnut from the
17:43Belgian Tourism Commission.
17:44From America, internet
17:46sensation Chris Crocker.
17:51Disgraced NRL footballer
17:52Peter the Frog Astley.
17:55Radical cleric Cardinal
17:56George Pell.
17:58Live via phone line from
18:00Salt Lake City, the
18:01Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
18:02And of course, Waleed Ali.
18:06Abraham, your 93-year-old
18:08mother has incurable
18:10leprosy and wants to end
18:11it all.
18:11Would you still be keen for
18:13the federal government to
18:14legislate in favour?
18:15Yes, absolutely.
18:17I'm 76 and fit as a fiddle.
18:19Yes, I know, Mum.
18:20It's hypothetical.
18:22Oh.
18:22I would do everything
18:24possible to help her to
18:26her reward.
18:28Everything.
18:29Even though in 80% of
18:30countries you'd be
18:30considered a murderer?
18:32Well, then the option
18:33would be to go somewhere
18:34where it was legal,
18:35like Belgium.
18:36Oh, I've never been to
18:37Belgium.
18:39Belgium, birthplace of
18:41Audrey Hepburn and the
18:42saxophone and home to
18:43plastic Bertrand and
18:44legalise euthanasia.
18:46Didi Doffnut, would you
18:48welcome Abraham and his
18:49mother to your country?
18:50With open arms, Sean.
18:52All right.
18:52What about if euthanasia
18:53wasn't legal in your
18:54country?
18:55Well, the government had
18:56a mandate.
18:57They campaigned on it.
18:59Hypothetically, though,
19:00let's say you were the
19:00Prime Minister of Belgium.
19:01Well, hang on.
19:02We wouldn't be going to
19:03Belgium if there wasn't
19:04any euthanasia.
19:05We might be on a hiking
19:06holiday through the
19:07Ardennes.
19:08You're 93 and have
19:10leprosy.
19:12Only hypothetically.
19:13Well, all right.
19:14Well, what would you do,
19:15Barry Groans, if you,
19:16like Didi, were the
19:17hypothetical Prime
19:17Minister of Belgium and
19:18hadn't legalised
19:20euthanasia as
19:20promised?
19:21I would resign.
19:22I would have no
19:23option.
19:23All right.
19:24Peter the Frog Astley,
19:25let's say that you were
19:26Cardinal Pell and that he
19:29was the ex-Belgian Prime
19:31Minister, Didi Dofnut.
19:32How would you react to
19:33having been unable to
19:35deliver on your mandate?
19:37Hypothetically.
19:37Yes.
19:39Oh.
19:41You wouldn't think you
19:42were hypocritical being both
19:44pro-euthanasia and pro-life?
19:46As George Pell.
19:48Well, as both George Pell and
19:50the ex-Belgian Prime Minister
19:51and Didi Dofnut and I
19:52guess yourself.
19:53His position would be
19:54untenable.
19:55He would have to resign from
19:56at least one of those
19:56positions.
19:57Can I not be George Pell?
20:01His reputation would be
20:02irredeemably damaged,
20:03surely, wouldn't it?
20:04Internet sensation Chris
20:05Crocker.
20:06Leave him alone.
20:09Leave him alone.
20:10It's only a humour.
20:14Yes.
20:14Cloris Webler, let's say
20:16on a hiking holiday with
20:19your son, you happen across
20:20the disgraced hypothetical
20:22ex-Belgian Prime Minister
20:23Didi Dofnut in the form of
20:25George Pell and Peter the
20:26Frog Astley.
20:27What would you say to them?
20:29Am I 93 and dying of
20:30leprosy?
20:31Yes, you are.
20:32Well, help me.
20:33Can I say I don't think
20:35it's a good idea to be
20:36hiking through the Ardennes
20:37in my condition?
20:38It's a hypothetical.
20:40Although she does raise
20:41a good point, Abraham.
20:42Is hiking through the
20:43Ardennes a wise thing to
20:44let your mother do in the
20:45circumstances, Walid Ali?
20:48No, no, not at all.
20:49She could kill herself.
20:56But that wouldn't be
20:58against the law in Belgium,
20:59would it, Peter the Frog
21:00Astley?
21:01Are you talking to me as
21:02Cardinal George Pell or
21:04the Belgian Prime Minister
21:06or Didi Dofnut?
21:08I don't know.
21:09Well, whichever way you
21:11looked at it, it'd be
21:11death by misadventure,
21:12wouldn't it?
21:13Which is perfectly fine
21:14legally.
21:15I'll book the tickets.
21:19Well, today only by accident
21:22in a hypothetical Belgium.
21:23Tomorrow, perhaps deliberately
21:24in our own country.
21:25Thank you to our guests,
21:27each of whom will be
21:27receiving a delicious
21:28culotto ham.
21:31Culotto, the great taste of
21:32ham, and an apology to the
21:34Mauburn Tabernacle Choir.
21:36I'm sorry we didn't get to
21:37hear from you tonight.
21:38That's fine, Sean.
21:39See you next time.
21:41Oil refinery closes, costing
21:51jobs and impacting a small
21:53blue-collar community.
21:54So sang Bruce Springsteen on
21:56his recent tour.
21:57And his words have proved
21:58eerily prophetic.
21:59Shell have announced it will
22:00sell its Geelong refinery and
22:02move oil production offshore.
22:04Isn't that right?
22:05Company spokesman, Capslock Pimento.
22:06If I could just point out
22:08though, Sean, Shell is not an
22:09oil company, we're an energy
22:11company.
22:12Energy is good.
22:13Oil creates a lot of bad
22:15energy.
22:15That's why we're selling the
22:16facility.
22:17I see.
22:17Mind you, I've never understood
22:18how something can get more
22:19refined by sending it to
22:21Geelong.
22:23Is this about the
22:24environment or are you moving
22:25because it's cheaper?
22:26Our company cares about
22:28healing the earth, Sean.
22:30We care about this fragile
22:31planet.
22:32We care desperately.
22:33Okay.
22:34Well, what about the
22:34workers?
22:34We feel terrible that these
22:36people still want to turn up
22:38each day and continue to
22:40produce such a life-threatening
22:41pollutant.
22:42It sickens us.
22:44But how do you reason with
22:45eco-terrorists like that who
22:47are addicted to career over
22:49carbon?
22:50I mean, if we could, we'd
22:52retool the Geelong plant to
22:53refine the raw early morning
22:56rays of the sun or distill
22:59gusts of wind into an earth-
23:01embracing spoonful of
23:02energy, no more or no less
23:05than what we need, balance
23:07and harmony.
23:08But it's just not to be,
23:10Sean.
23:10We have to sell.
23:11And if you don't find a
23:12buyer?
23:13We'll torch it for the
23:14insurance.
23:16Should burn like buggery too.
23:17All right, Caps Lock,
23:18thank you very much.
23:19Make Coot Island look like
23:20when you cook a bit of fruit
23:21toast on the crumpet setting.
23:23Well, like much of our industry,
23:30let's go offshore now for some
23:32news from countries that aren't
23:33Australian.
23:38Australia has advised
23:39Indonesia it has five Hercules
23:41aircraft for sale at the so-called
23:432 plus 2 dialogue, which brings
23:45together defence and foreign
23:46ministers from both countries.
23:48Defence Minister Stephen Smith
23:49advised his Indonesian counterpart
23:51that they had 6 hours and 40 minutes
23:53left to bid on eBay for the
23:54aircraft.
23:55The Indonesians are cautious,
23:56however, as the Australian
23:58government only has a 30%
23:59positive feedback rating.
24:01Treasurer Wayne Swan did not
24:03attend the 2 plus 2 talks as he
24:04found the title confusing.
24:10To the middle of Germany now,
24:11where a group of protesters have
24:13successfully lobbied to have the
24:14last remaining bit of the Berlin
24:16Wall spared from destruction by a
24:18developer.
24:19They say it should remain standing
24:20as a memorial to the tearing down
24:22of the wall back in 1989.
24:27Anyway, the developers have decided
24:29to re-erect part of the wall and the
24:31clincher apparently was when David
24:32Hasselhoff turned up on the other
24:34side and started singing.
24:40Monkeys is the craziest people.
24:41Back to North Korea now and the rogue
24:45state's spiralling rhetoric seems to be
24:46working with the US suspending a
24:48missile test in California.
24:50Ooh, the NRA won't like that.
24:53They take the Second Amendment very
24:55seriously over there.
24:56But not everybody is running scared.
24:58Embassies warned to leave by Pyongyang
25:00are refusing to kowtow to Kim Jong-un.
25:02Here's former US Ambassador
25:03Christopher Hill talking tough.
25:05I must say I've never heard of this
25:07kind of thing before to, you know,
25:09tell embassies to go run for your
25:11lives and then the embassies say,
25:13no, we're fine, just staying right
25:15here.
25:16And here's current Golden Slipper
25:17Ambassador Taman Sirsock, equally
25:19unfazed.
25:20For women, you know, why not?
25:21Like, go the bigger, the better, the
25:22hat.
25:23So let's this year try and be the
25:25biggest hat possible.
25:30Sport now with Maggie Bathysphere,
25:31joined as usual by Philby Burgess and
25:33McLean in the Fish Stadium commentary
25:35box room.
25:36And Mags, big news with FIFA announcing
25:38new goal line technology for the
25:39next World Cup.
25:40You got that right, Sean.
25:41It's a very effective system.
25:4414 cameras are positioned around the
25:46stadium, monitoring the exact
25:48position of the ball.
25:50If the ball crosses the goal line,
25:52it triggers a signal that goes to a
25:54watch worn by an underworld bookmaker
25:56in the stand.
25:58He then covers his arse by laying off
26:00bets with bookmakers in other time
26:01zones around the world.
26:03Depending on the bets he's holding,
26:04he then sends a signal to the ref telling
26:06him whether it's a goal or not.
26:07The ref then sends a signal to his
26:10FIFA mole, who in turn contacts
26:12officials from the two competing clubs
26:14and plays them off against each other
26:16until the highest bidder wins.
26:18The FIFA mole then simultaneously
26:20relays this decision to the ref and
26:22makes a deposit to the ref's savings
26:24account.
26:25And ten short minutes later, we have a
26:27definitive decision and the beautiful
26:29game continues.
26:31Hawkeye, never stood a chance there.
26:33Thanks, Max, sir.
26:34Not coming up because I've taken some
26:36Stematil.
26:37Tony Abbott tells worried Australians
26:40that Labour government will even raid
26:41daylight savings.
26:43Visit by Queen proves recent bout of
26:46diarrhoea well and truly behind her.
26:49And additional episode to be added to
26:51Tony Robinson's worst jobs in history
26:53series, Finance Minister in Cyprus.
26:56Finally, Health Minister Tanya
27:00Plibersek has announced a plan this
27:02week to cut surgery waiting lists by
27:04paying kidney donors six weeks' worth
27:06of wages in compensation for time off
27:08work.
27:09Talkback radio listener Caspar
27:10Jonquil, you think this scheme is open
27:12to exploitation, don't you?
27:14Do you bloody wait?
27:15These bloody welfare cheats will be
27:16rorting the system for everything they
27:17can get.
27:18There's a young couple lived down the
27:19road from me and I've told them what you
27:21get up to in your bedroom is no concern
27:23of mine, but they don't listen.
27:24I reckon they can't hear me through the
27:25glass.
27:26Alright.
27:26People can only donate one kidney
27:30while they're alive though, can't they?
27:31$3,600 each time.
27:33You do the math.
27:34I don't see why I pay my taxes so some
27:36unwed mother can lie on her back in some
27:38luxury hospital for six weeks just
27:40because she's had some elective surgery.
27:42Eight years I've been waiting for an
27:43arthroscopy on my knee but my doctor
27:45says I don't need one.
27:46And the neighbour's tree is dripping sap
27:48all over my duco.
27:49What do we do then about waiting lists?
27:51That's not my problem.
27:53I don't spend an hour of a Saturday every
27:54four years down the polling booth to have
27:56to work that out for myself.
27:57You ask the bloody Labor government why
27:59they're forking over my money to these
28:00layabouts.
28:01And the taps in my laundry keep dripping.
28:03I've rung the Civil Aviation Authority but
28:05they say, oh, it's got nothing to do with us.
28:07But people need kidneys to clean their blood,
28:09don't they?
28:09If people want purer blood they shouldn't be
28:11interbreeding.
28:12I rang Paul Murray last week to tell him
28:14but the line was engaged.
28:15I said, you can not answer the phone all
28:17you want, Paul, but I put my trousers on
28:19the same way as everybody else does.
28:20Two legs at a time as I'm running down the driveway
28:22of that young capital I was telling you about.
28:27Good night.
28:32Giants, baby.
28:32Copyright 2013.
28:39Copyright 2013.