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Honky Kong
  • 6/7/2025
Original Broadcast Date: November 26th 2014

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:001, 2, 3, 4
00:30Thank you very much indeed.
00:37Well, hi folks.
00:39Now, there's obviously plenty to be insanely angry about this week.
00:42The government's approval rating is way down.
00:44Julie Bishop and Barack Obama fighting over the Great Barrier Reef.
00:48Katy Perry not wanting to be photographed in her bathers.
00:51Let's face it, the ABC cuts deserve a show of their own.
00:54If only the ABC could afford to make shows anymore.
00:58But then there's the fact that the people of Victoria go to the polls this Saturday.
01:02Now, I don't want to spend too much time on the Victorian election for a couple of reasons.
01:07One, this is the Victorian Premier, Dennis Napthine.
01:17And two, Mad as Hell is broadcast nationally and like most Victorians, none of you care about the result.
01:23But it does give me an opportunity, given that this is our final show, to present the very last in our series of Bill Zingers.
01:33Now, in this one, Bill is about to introduce state opposition leader Daniel Andrews and wants to warm up the crowd for him and then get off with a laugh.
01:41And what better way to do that than with an excoriating slapdown of the government's announcement of cuts to the national broadcaster?
01:49The ABC once used to mean the Australian Broadcasting Commission.
01:52It now means Abbott's budget cuts.
01:55And the great thing about material like Bill's, as with all good satire, is it actually makes a difference.
02:11You think of how effective German cabaret was in the 1920s in avoiding World War II.
02:15And the thing I like about Bill's shtick, and I know about comedy because I used to be on Full Frontal, is that he knows how to connect with the people.
02:25Here he is, still on the ABC budget cuts, but making it relatable by working in some pop culture references.
02:31Well, you ask the question about what'll get cut.
02:34I mean, is it Peppa Pig going to get cut?
02:36Tony Jones for the chop?
02:38Bill Shorten's zingers on Sean Mickaliff's as mad as hell?
02:41I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, Sean Mickaliff, I'm as mad as hell, and we'll fight for your show.
02:59There's no better way when you're on the ABC to get the government off your back about bias than having a personal endorsement from the leader of the Labour Party.
03:06Fortunately, I think by pronouncing my name in the way he did, they probably don't know what show he was talking about.
03:13But none of that really got me as mad as hell this week.
03:15What's raised my ire so high you could land a probe on it and send a picture back is this.
03:23Yes, sadly, the pup rupture, or pup-ture, as I like to call it, ended with Jackie Lambie resigning on Monday.
03:29Now, as you know, this all came to a head last week when Clive demoted Jackie and removed her as deputy leader in the Senate.
03:35Seeing her tumble from third in the hierarchy all the way down to fourth.
03:41Jackie's Chief of Staff, Dolly Norman, joins us now, as does Heinrich McUng, Senior Advisor to Mr Palmer.
03:47Now, the first question to you, Mr McUng.
03:50In retrospect, do you think it was wise not only to demote Ms Lambie but suspend her from attending any Palmer United meetings?
03:57We had no choice, Sean. She hadn't attended the last three party meetings.
04:00Yes, but do you think preventing her from coming to the meetings she wasn't coming to was the most effective form of punishment?
04:05If she wasn't going to come to the meetings, we weren't going to let her stand by and not come to them.
04:10She wasn't coming to them just because she wasn't coming to them, not because you told her not to.
04:15No, she wasn't.
04:15Yeah, she was not coming to them.
04:19Idiot.
04:20No, she wasn't not coming to them because she wasn't coming to them.
04:22She wasn't coming to them because we said she couldn't.
04:25Well, you can't stop her coming.
04:27If she's not coming, what are you stopping?
04:31Well, we did.
04:32So you're an idiot.
04:33But whatever the Machiavellian brinkmanship that led to Ms Lambie's resignation, the realignment of her political allegiance has created a formidable stumbling block for the government and its mandate to ignore its pre-election commitments.
04:49Ms Lambie describes how.
04:50I'm going to vote with like-minded senators, the Coalition of Common Sense.
04:56Dolly Norman, who are in the Coalition of Common Sense and how do they differ from other coalitions like the Willing, the Concerned and the Liberal National Parties?
05:06Sean, the Coalition of Common Sense likes to be known by its acronym, COCS.
05:13Jackie and independents like Nick Xenophon and John Madigan and Ricky Muir are COCS, Sean.
05:19And it's their job to block legislation that hurts Australia.
05:24COCS block it, if you will.
05:27Now, Ricky Muir's Motor Enthusiast Party was a sort of de facto pup member, but Ricky shifted his affections along with Jackie, hasn't he?
05:34What was his thinking there, assuming there was any?
05:38Sean, I'm only qualified to guess at what Jackie might be thinking, so you'd have to ask him on one of Ricky's staff about that, if he's got any left.
05:49He goes through them like sump grease through a ten-year-old goose.
05:54That's a very interesting point, Ricky Muir's brand-new advisor, Noel Gallagher.
06:03Hi, Sean.
06:05Yes, hi.
06:05Has it proved more difficult for Ricky to form a consistent view with Palmer United, for example, on legislation, because of the high turner of staff and advisors in his office?
06:14Um, I don't understand your questions.
06:17Well, he's gone through several advisors, hasn't he? Does that mean that he's getting widely differing advice?
06:24That's a good question, Sean.
06:26Thank you very much. And do you have an answer?
06:29Yes? When is this on the telly?
06:37Yes.
06:39Food for thought there, but what does the man at the centre of his own sidelining think of all this?
06:45Clive Palmer, seen here indicating the number of senators he still has with the party,
06:49is proving difficult to interview these days, having walked out or hung up on interviews with Sarah Ferguson,
06:55John Fane, Waleed Ali, and last week, Emma Alberici.
06:59After a lot of, let's face it, questions.
07:02Quite reasonably, Clive didn't feel like answering.
07:05Well, after much negotiation with his people and an assurance that we won't raise anything to do with his Chinese business dealings,
07:11his attempt to suppress details of his private jet, his poetry, Jackie Lambie, the Victorian election,
07:17dinosaurs, the Titanic, his failed football league, his previous hair colour, his conspiracy theories,
07:24his vintage cars, his sleeping arrangements, and the future of the Palmer United Party, Clive Palmer joins us now.
07:31Clive, how are you?
07:32Well, I'm sorry. Good night. We'll see you. Good night.
07:36I don't want to talk to you anymore.
07:37Well, Clive, I just asked how you were. That's hardly a problem.
07:40See you, Lana.
07:40Oh, for God's sakes.
07:43Hope the Chinese sue your arse off.
07:48Now, a number of commentators, all right, mainly me,
07:51have described Palmer United as the most inarticulate party in Australian political history.
07:56Well, good news.
07:57That's not an accusation we can make about them any longer,
07:59after the announcement last week of Pauline Hanson's return to politics.
08:04The former Dancing with the Stars contestant...
08:08I presume she was one of the dancers?
08:14...said this in an exclusive interview with Sunrise's Koshi and Amiteji.
08:18I said I would come back as national chairman of the party,
08:22but I would like the name changed back to Pauline Hanson's One Nation.
08:26Now, don't get me wrong about this.
08:27This has nothing to do with an ego.
08:29I have no ego.
08:30But I think that people relate to me,
08:33because a lot of the issues and policies are what, how I feel,
08:36and it's come from me.
08:37So I think the party is me.
08:39All right.
08:42And good on her.
08:43I have no ego.
08:44The party is me.
08:46No false modesty, or indeed genuine modesty there.
08:49And I find that refreshing.
08:51But don't worry, it's not going to be like last time.
08:53As she's said...
08:55This time I assure the people and the public,
08:58two very distinct groups, obviously,
09:00that no-one is going to tell me what to say.
09:04Please, Pauline, I beg of you,
09:07let them tell you what to say.
09:09But if she doesn't, well, you know,
09:19I look forward to a televised debate
09:21in the run-up to the next election
09:22between Pauline Hanson and Jackie Lambie.
09:24I'd be very interested to see what the popularity worm does.
09:31Probably hang itself with its own body.
09:34One Nation state branches, though,
09:36have been ambivalent about this news.
09:38WA President Lynne Vickery said that
09:40because Ms Hanson holds no position in the party,
09:43she could neither be voted in as chairman
09:44nor announce she's at the helm of anything,
09:46adding that Ms Hanson's
09:47got the cart before the horse.
09:50If she believes she is,
09:51she's either psychotic
09:53or else owns a time machine.
09:56Now, I think that's very unfair.
09:57I don't think anyone's suggesting
09:58that she owns a time machine.
10:00But all that's still ahead of us.
10:05At the moment, we have bigger fish to fry
10:07and budget deficits to fill.
10:08And, of course, one of the unintended consequences
10:10of Jackie Lambie not voting along party lines
10:13and blocking legislation with other crossbench senators
10:15is that government legislation is being blocked
10:18by crossbench senators.
10:19For example, the Future of Financial Advice Act
10:22is now dead,
10:23and that means financial advisers
10:24have to go back to the nightmarish days under Labor
10:27when they had to take all steps
10:28to act in the best interests of their clients.
10:31What will that do to businesses like yours,
10:33financial adviser Davy Plum?
10:35Bugger them, Sean.
10:36I'm more concerned about what it'll do
10:37to businesses that are actually mine.
10:39This kill shot to the government's rollback
10:41of Labor red tape
10:42means that not only have you got to wade
10:43through the mire of actually giving out
10:45sound financial advice to customers,
10:47but that all the protocols we've had in place
10:49since July to avoid full disclosure of fees
10:51and not having to check with our victims
10:53to see if they want to stay on our direct debit scheme,
10:55we've got to chuck out the window.
10:57Well, you're talking about the fact
10:58that now you're going to have to contact
10:59hundreds of thousands of people
11:00to ask whether they want to remain clients.
11:02Yeah.
11:03My hands are full as it is
11:04pushing pre-packaged,
11:05high-yield commission investment bundlings
11:07that the banks email me.
11:08But while you're selling these things to your prey,
11:12surely you can ask them...
11:13I haven't got time to talk to these bastards
11:15as well as sell them, Sean.
11:16The government let us all to believe
11:18that this wineback was a done deal.
11:20A nice big post-election thank you
11:21to the banks tied up with a big red bow.
11:24And now we unwrap the president
11:25and we find it's still tied up with f***ing red tape.
11:28And how has all this gone down
11:30with the Indian giver responsible
11:31for this so-called gift,
11:33Finance Minister Matthias Cormann,
11:35given that the whole thing has,
11:36to quote the always overly technical fin review,
11:39come back to bite him in the bum.
11:42Not bite him on the bum,
11:43but in it does seem a bit excessive.
11:47Nonetheless, Mr Cormann wasn't about
11:49to stand for any of this lying down.
11:51Clearly, you know, we always need to ensure
11:53that we do have a robust regulatory system in place.
11:56And we do.
11:57In Australia, we do have one of the most robust
11:59regulatory systems in place in the world.
12:01But what I would say, though,
12:03is, for example,
12:04some of the changes that will shorten
12:06in government just went too far.
12:08Spokesborg for the Finance Minister Darius Horsham,
12:16doesn't what happened in the Senate
12:18suggest it's you who've tried to go too far?
12:20Don't bullshit on my leg
12:22and tell me it's a brown kitten, Sean.
12:24I have no time for crybaby economic girly men
12:28like the Bill Shorten and the Nick Xenophon
12:30and the Jackie Lambie.
12:32I say to them,
12:33chill out, dickwads.
12:34If you don't want to live in a world
12:37where the age of entitlement is over,
12:39then get your ass to Mars.
12:42What about the cuts to the ABC, though?
12:44These are not cuts, Sean.
12:45Like Matthias said,
12:46they are the efficiency dividends.
12:48Well, in what way are they dividends?
12:50In a way other than
12:52the dictionary definition of the world.
12:54Yes, but I...
12:55You know how before the election,
12:57Mr Abbott promised that he would cut no funding
12:59to the ABC and the SBS?
13:01Yes.
13:01He lied.
13:02An economic freeze is coming.
13:05Watch the numbers, Batman,
13:07for today the Harbinger's off your doom.
13:09Batman?
13:09Fifty million dollars a year
13:11and then nothing but repeats
13:12of midsummer murders
13:13and eggheads
13:14and maybe a fresh season or two
13:16of the tractor monkeys.
13:17And then nothing but the blissful hiss
13:19of unused bandwidth
13:21that we can sell off to Foxtel
13:23for more shopping channels.
13:25Darius Horsham, many thanks.
13:28No, thank you.
13:29And still to come.
13:33Julie Bishop does her impression
13:35of a valley girl.
13:36It is so decided.
13:39And Mars mission candidate
13:41makes convincing case
13:42for why he should be chosen
13:44to leave Earth forever.
13:45And the stars look very different today.
13:49He was Australia's favourite
13:57pencil-faced alien.
13:59The voice of Blackboard
14:00has taken a heroin overdose
14:01and we go live in four minutes.
14:03He captured our imagination
14:04and held it captive
14:06in the basement of our hearts
14:07for 20 years.
14:08Get me some black coffee, Margaret.
14:10But sometimes dreams
14:11have a way of you waking up from them.
14:13Well, he's dead, Margaret.
14:14Mr Squiggle can't stand there
14:15drawing upside-down pictures
14:16on Miss Pat's face.
14:18Not for 15 minutes, anyway.
14:20Oh, I don't mind.
14:21But you need conflict, Norman.
14:23Without Blackboard,
14:24Squiggle's nothing.
14:25How about a steam shovel?
14:28I'm listening.
14:29Named Bill.
14:31You know what?
14:33It's just crazy enough to work.
14:35Yes!
14:38Get him out of here!
14:39And featuring Stephen Curry
14:41as a young Olivia Newton-John.
14:43Olivia,
14:43are you learning how to play the guitar
14:45or watch the TV?
14:46I'm learning guitar, Mum.
14:47Idiot.
14:49Squiggle and Odyssey.
14:51Coming soon to No One's ABC.
14:56Welcome back.
14:57Time now for the media
14:58to eat itself
14:59and then spit itself back up
15:00as light entertainment.
15:01And joining us
15:07from the media lounge room
15:08tonight
15:08to talk about
15:08the big stories
15:09of the week
15:10are comedian Bertie Frank.
15:11G'day, Sean.
15:12Nice to see you.
15:13Yeah.
15:15Veteran stand-up comic
15:16Jean Steep.
15:17Don't let the Ecuador
15:19hit you in the arse
15:20on the way out, Julian.
15:23One third
15:24of hilarious breakfast
15:25radio duo
15:25Cook and the Bambino
15:26Stavius Milanta.
15:28Shut up, guys.
15:29It's time for the news.
15:30And journalist
15:31who thinks he's funny
15:32thrown Carraway.
15:34Hi, everybody.
15:35Plus sprawled
15:36in the media lounge room
15:37beanbag as usual
15:38humorous Don Catweasel.
15:40I got nothing.
15:42Well, first up,
15:43the riots in Ferguson,
15:45Bertie Frank.
15:46Yeah, Sean,
15:46I reckon the sooner
15:47the grand jury
15:47re-indicates
15:48Officer Darren Wilson,
15:49the better.
15:50But no matter
15:50what containment
15:51there is
15:52of any civil rights tension,
15:53they're still left
15:53with the problem
15:54of inadequate gun control.
15:57Well, very good, Bertie.
15:58Three points for you,
15:58mainly for the impression
15:59anything to add there,
16:02Jean Steep?
16:04Oh, um...
16:05No time for consideration
16:06or thought, Jean.
16:07Sorry, as we move
16:07on to our second round
16:08and I'll throw this
16:09open to the panel.
16:10Knee-jerk responses
16:11to the subject
16:12of colonising Mars
16:13for the purpose
16:13of making a reality TV show.
16:15Remembering, of course,
16:16that Mars is an
16:17uninhabited planet.
16:19Stavius Milanta.
16:21Um, if no-one's watching it,
16:22presumably Channel 10
16:23is the broadcaster.
16:24Well, I can't...
16:26I can't accept that,
16:27I'm afraid,
16:27as I may well
16:28need a job with them
16:29next year
16:29and don't want
16:30to get them offside.
16:31Yes, Throne Carraway,
16:32you have a joke?
16:33Yeah, not a joke so much,
16:34Sean.
16:35It's a feeble observation
16:36about something
16:36that happened to me
16:37when I went to the supermarket
16:38with my wife.
16:38All right, we'll save it
16:39for the column, Throne.
16:41I guess, Don Catweasel,
16:42you have something funny
16:43to end on,
16:43which we can use
16:44directly to cut to a graphic
16:45and some music
16:46so it feels like
16:46we've accomplished something.
16:48No, I've still got nothing.
16:56Oh, sorry.
16:58Well, despite the warmest
17:00protestations of the other 19
17:02clearly deluded members
17:03of the G20,
17:04Australia's commitment
17:05to reducing its emissions
17:06was on display again last week
17:08when we decided
17:09not to switch
17:09to electronic voting
17:10at elections.
17:11A parliamentary committee
17:12found that...
17:13Essentially, it's a bit
17:14too risky security-wise
17:16that this electronic voting system,
17:18if it was brought in,
17:18could be hacked or compromised.
17:20Yeah, whereas the current system,
17:22I don't think you'd be able
17:23to find your way in
17:24with one of those
17:25Tom Cruise Mission Impossible
17:27cable drops.
17:28And now to make us feel
17:30better about ourselves,
17:31let's see how people
17:31aren't coping with things overseas.
17:34News from countries
17:35that aren't Australia,
17:36proudly brought to you by
17:37Free Trade Deal,
17:38Chinese Milk and Dairy,
17:40matured and or off
17:41by the time the agreement
17:42comes into effect.
17:44Mmm, that's Piao-i-Liang.
17:48Well, to the merry old
17:49Church of England first,
17:50where legislation allowing
17:51women to become bishops
17:52has this week
17:53been formally adopted.
17:54An actual newsreader
17:55has more.
17:56The first woman bishop
17:57is expected to be installed
17:58in the new year.
17:59And if you're wondering
18:00how a bishop is installed,
18:02here's a helpful demonstration.
18:03As you can see,
18:05a couple of mountings there.
18:08And is there that a sign
18:10is offering free installation
18:12for the first six months?
18:14Well, exciting news
18:16for people who enjoy things
18:17that are extremely boring.
18:18The Oxford English Dictionary
18:20has this week named
18:21its word of the year
18:22for 2014
18:22and it's vape,
18:24meaning to inhale or exhale
18:26the vapour produced
18:27by an e-cigarette.
18:28Used in a sentence,
18:29it might sound something like,
18:31hey, did you hear that
18:32the 2014 word of the year
18:33is vape?
18:34Or, I can't believe
18:36the word vape
18:37is actually in the
18:38Oxford English Dictionary.
18:39Anyway, well done
18:40to the winner
18:41and commiserations
18:42to all the words
18:43that missed out this year.
18:44Obedee,
18:45Krakenation,
18:47Pflug,
18:48Boltwod,
18:49Lambigate,
18:50Spoffle,
18:50Munt,
18:51Impraxis,
18:52Acclimatizzi
18:53and Debt Cult,
18:55a reference
18:56to the Australian Labour Party.
18:58Interestingly enough,
18:59the Oxford Dictionary's
19:00word of the year
19:01coincides with the publication
19:02of the very first edition
19:03of the OED
19:04in 1884.
19:06The word of that year?
19:07Motherf***er.
19:10First uttered, of course,
19:11by Queen Victoria
19:12at the royal exhibition
19:13when she fell down
19:14some stairs
19:15and landed on her keys.
19:17Times have certainly changed,
19:19haven't they?
19:19You mean you hardly hear
19:20or see this word anymore,
19:21particularly on television.
19:27Still in the mother country
19:29and England now
19:30has its first
19:31sewage-powered bus
19:32taking passengers
19:34between Bristol and Bath
19:35on a single tank
19:36of human waste,
19:38roughly what about
19:38five people
19:39would produce in a year.
19:40So the trip
19:41does take a bit of time.
19:44Bristol to Bath
19:45is a fitting route.
19:47Bristol, of course,
19:47is well known
19:48as the birthplace
19:49of the famous
19:50Bristol stool chart.
19:51And it makes sense
19:55for Bath
19:56to be at the end
19:56of the line
19:57because I imagine
19:57by that point
19:58you'd certainly
19:58need to take one.
20:04Still overseas
20:04but not much longer,
20:06some of our yoghurt.
20:07A South Australian
20:08dairy company
20:08is the latest
20:09to have dropped
20:09its halal certification
20:10due to online
20:12social media campaign
20:13lobbying.
20:14This from a non-comedy
20:15segment on a recent
20:16edition of 7.30.
20:18Anti-halal activists
20:19say they're fighting
20:20back against
20:20creeping Sharia law
20:22claiming the label
20:23is a tax on non-Muslims
20:25and the money
20:25for certification
20:26goes towards terrorism.
20:28Francie Shunt
20:29from Not In My Supermarket
20:30thank you very much.
20:32You object to consumers
20:33having to pay
20:34for the halal certification.
20:35What about foods
20:36with the National Heart
20:37Foundation tick of approval?
20:38Do you object
20:39to having to pay
20:40for them too?
20:40Yes, I very well do.
20:41I don't want the NHF
20:43ticking my reduced
20:44fat low phosphate salami.
20:45I didn't ask for it
20:46and it denies me
20:47my right as an Australian
20:48to have a cardiac arrest
20:49if I want.
20:50And where's that money going?
20:52Halal-Qaeda?
20:53The Greens?
20:53We just don't know.
20:55And gluten-free?
20:57Presumably we pay
20:57for that certification.
20:58Yeah, and I don't
20:59want to pay for it.
21:00My family and friends
21:01happen to enjoy
21:02excessively glutinous
21:03foodstuffs.
21:04We like feeling
21:05bloated and slow
21:06and we don't want
21:07to be funding
21:07some anti-gluten
21:08death cult.
21:10Well, former dairy farmer
21:12and South West Tasmania
21:13of the Year
21:13Swig Clunkwidget
21:15what does halal mean?
21:17Well, Sean,
21:17I think I'll let
21:18Lee Sales answer that one.
21:20All right.
21:20A halal product
21:21is one that doesn't
21:22contain any traces
21:23of pork, blood
21:24or alcohol.
21:25Now, you're not
21:26in yoghurt anymore
21:27because of the online
21:28pressure of people
21:29like Francie here.
21:30Comfortable
21:30slackstivism,
21:31we call it, Sean.
21:32Ignore her.
21:33How has your business
21:34adapted?
21:35Well, Sean,
21:36we didn't want
21:36to get involved
21:37in anything that
21:38would run into
21:39this halal problem.
21:40So now we produce
21:42100,000 bottles
21:43a year
21:44of clunkwidget
21:45pig's blood
21:46and bacon liqueur.
21:49I beg your pardon?
21:50Breaking news,
21:51just to hand,
21:52Tasmania's own
21:53Lance Bonson
21:54has taken home
21:55the prestigious
21:562014 National
21:58Guitar Award.
22:00Police have since
22:01returned the award
22:02to the winner,
22:02Tim Rogers,
22:03and charged
22:04Mr Bonson
22:04with several offences.
22:06But right now,
22:07another very
22:08important announcement.
22:10Coming soon,
22:11a new panel show
22:12the whole family
22:13will enjoy.
22:15Name somebody
22:16who exists.
22:17Yes, Rose.
22:18Tom Cruise.
22:20And you'll not
22:21only have to
22:22hold your sides,
22:23you'll have to
22:24use your head too.
22:25For 30 points,
22:26say the first thing
22:27that occurs to you.
22:28Ligament.
22:30And play along
22:31at home and see
22:32if you can tell
22:33whether host
22:34Francis Greenslade
22:35is telling a lie
22:36or not.
22:37Truth or lie?
22:38We're making
22:3926 episodes
22:40of this thing.
22:42Lie?
22:42No, it's true.
22:44Really?
22:45For boys!
22:48Blabber.
22:49Coming soon
22:49to our ABC.
22:52Well, if there's
22:53one thing we've
22:54tried to be on
22:54Mad as Hell
22:55this last series,
22:56it's all things
22:57to all men.
22:57A friend,
22:58a lover,
22:59husband,
23:00wife,
23:00an educator,
23:01a bringer
23:02of good tidings,
23:03a bogeyman,
23:04but above all,
23:04a clarion call
23:05to arms
23:06and a world
23:06gone mad
23:07and a national
23:08psyche gone madder.
23:10Magus Crunk
23:10has more.
23:12I hate our freedom,
23:14our tolerance,
23:15our democracy.
23:17This freedom,
23:18tolerance and democracy
23:19that our Prime Minister
23:20speaks of
23:20is no better
23:21exemplified
23:22than in the day-to-day
23:23life of this man,
23:24Caspar Junker.
23:25Every morning,
23:26he walks 20 kilometres
23:27from his modest,
23:29semi-detached home
23:30in the leafless
23:30Melbourne suburb
23:31of Zygote
23:32to here,
23:33where he acts
23:34as moderator
23:34for the online
23:35message board
23:36of Andrew Bolt's
23:37column,
23:38or would
23:39if he was actually
23:40employed by the
23:41Herald Sun.
23:41I'm a volunteer!
23:43After going to a park
23:44and yelling at a tree
23:45for half an hour,
23:45let me be friendly
23:46to people!
23:47It's home to listen
23:48to Neil Mitchell
23:48on 3AW,
23:50write letters of
23:50complaint to the
23:51newspaper,
23:52listen to Alan Jones'
23:53podcast,
23:54Why aren't you
23:54talking to me?
23:55argue with his dog,
23:56Rude!
23:57You snake!
23:58yell at the TV
23:58when Lee Sales is on,
24:00and then in the evenings,
24:01after tidying up
24:02his cupboards,
24:03listen to the young
24:04couple next door.
24:05I can hear that!
24:06Yeah, so when we
24:07first met him,
24:08we thought he was
24:09a total psycho.
24:10Like, he used to
24:10come round like
24:1112 times a day
24:12for no reason at all.
24:13This one time,
24:14my boyfriend found
24:15him hiding in the shower.
24:17Ronnie Habib
24:18is an IT consultant
24:19at Sydney University.
24:21Kasper thinks
24:21he looks like a terrorist
24:22and regularly calls
24:24Carpet Call
24:24to report him.
24:25They say it's got
24:26nothing to do with them.
24:27It's like the Prime Minister
24:28says,
24:29be aware but reassured
24:30and go on about
24:31our usual lives.
24:32Well, my usual life
24:33is to watch people.
24:34Young women who listen
24:35to Lord on their iPod
24:36when they're in their bath,
24:37and young men
24:37who spend a bit too much
24:38time complaining to the police
24:39that I'm on their roof
24:40lowering an optic fibre
24:41or something that looks
24:42very much like one
24:43down their chimney.
24:43It doesn't matter.
24:44Casper cares about
24:46the community so much
24:47that he's even formed
24:48an unofficial paramilitary arm
24:50of Neighbourhood Watch
24:51after they refused
24:52to let him join.
24:53It was impossible
24:54to have a meeting with.
24:55Always going on
24:56and on and on
24:57and on and on
24:58and on and on
24:59about things
24:59that annoyed him.
25:01Wouldn't he get a word in,
25:02would he?
25:02I was very glad
25:03to see the back of him.
25:05He's got an attractive
25:06tattoo of a dragon on it.
25:08Casper patrols
25:08the streets of his neighbourhood
25:09always on the lookout
25:11for trouble.
25:12The local traders
25:13know him well.
25:13Oh yes, yes.
25:15He comes in here
25:16all the time.
25:18Doesn't he, Cloris?
25:19Always donating underwear
25:20and offering
25:21to burn unwanted books.
25:23Yes, yes.
25:23He sometimes yells a bit
25:25but I don't mind
25:26because I can't hear
25:27a blind thing
25:28with my bad ear.
25:29Can I, Cloris?
25:30No, you can't.
25:32Watch your language.
25:34The sweeping powers
25:35granted under
25:35the new Foreign Fighters Act
25:37regrettably do not extend
25:38to unauthorised members
25:40of neighbourhood watch
25:40splinter groups
25:41but this hasn't stopped Casper
25:43employing the latest methods
25:44in his own personal war
25:46on terror.
25:47Disguised as Nicky Savva
25:49and with a GoPro
25:50secreted in his pants
25:51he visits the young couple
25:52next door
25:53hopeful of catching them
25:54doing something illegal
25:55or at least
25:56morally questionable.
25:57What do you want Casper?
25:59Oh,
26:00I just wanted to borrow
26:01a cup of sugar.
26:02Yeah,
26:02that's like the 12th time today.
26:04I'm making a croquenbush.
26:05Hey,
26:06John Paul,
26:07this is our turf.
26:15No one speaks louder than me.
26:18Neighbourhood,
26:19watch this.
26:22This is my turf,
26:23mother...
26:24Take cover of Adney.
26:26Cover me of Adney.
26:28Die.
26:33In these uncertain times
26:35with terrorism
26:36on our doorstep
26:37and most of us
26:37in the kitchen
26:38getting sugar
26:39for our neighbours,
26:40it's reassuring to know
26:41there are men
26:42like Casper Jonquil
26:43watching over us.
26:44But who watches
26:45the watchers?
26:47That, I suppose,
26:48in the end
26:48is up to us.
26:50This is Magus Crunk.
26:52Peace out.
26:56All not coming up
26:57because we've run out
26:58of series.
27:00Midget sub
27:00lives down to its name.
27:02Global warming
27:03ruins Christmas
27:04and Australia's
27:06free trade deal
27:07with China.
27:08Barnaby Joyce
27:09breaks it down
27:09into simple layman's terms.
27:11And if you just,
27:12you know,
27:13rub the magic god
27:14of the skyrocket,
27:15you can do
27:16all sorts of wonderful things.
27:19Well,
27:19that's just about it
27:20for another year, folks.
27:21And I know
27:22we turn up every week
27:23with our little jokes
27:24and try and make you laugh
27:25and everything.
27:25But what we're really
27:26trying to do is,
27:28and I hope this doesn't
27:28make me sound like a wanker,
27:29is teach you something
27:32about the human condition
27:33or what Magritte
27:34would call
27:35la condition humaine.
27:37The important thing,
27:38I think,
27:39is to remember
27:39that humanity
27:40is threatened
27:41not by the acts
27:41of a few
27:42but by the inaction
27:43of the many.
27:44And that if we want
27:45to live in a more tolerant
27:47and peaceful
27:47and democratic society,
27:48then we're going to have
27:49to take control of it
27:50by force
27:50from these morons
27:51and run it ourselves.
27:53The key here,
27:55I think,
27:55is to live life
27:56like there's no tomorrow.
27:58Mainly because,
27:59according to the IPCC,
28:00it's very likely
28:01there won't be.
28:02In conclusion,
28:03may I just add
28:04one more
28:05very small observation.
28:07Hit it.
28:15I know how to cheat
28:16a tax motto.
28:18I got a great idea
28:19for a song.
28:21I know the truth
28:22about Marilyn Monroe.
28:23I can prove
28:25Einstein's theory wrong.
28:28But that's not
28:30what motivates me.
28:33I'm interested in
28:34apathy.
28:36Apathy.
28:37Apathy.
28:39Apathy.
28:41Apathy.
28:43Apathy.
28:45Apathy.
28:47That's not what
28:49motivates me.
28:50Apathy.
28:51Enough of this
28:51petty stuff for me.
28:53Apathy.
28:54Apathy.
28:54Not interested in
28:55pedantry.
28:56Apathy.
28:57I'm interested in
28:58apathy.
29:01Apathy.
29:03Apathy.
29:04Apathy.
29:06Apathy.
29:07Apathy.
29:09Apathy.
29:10Hey!
29:11Here we are at the last verse
29:31I've lost interest
29:34Giant baby
29:41Here we are at the last verse