Original Broadcast Date: July 5th 2017
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00:00Good night, good night, good night, good night
00:30Well, it was only last week that Scott Morrison said this
00:40to members of the Liberal Party.
00:41We must communicate candidly and with authenticity.
00:44Now, unfortunately, some members of the Liberal Party
00:46took this to mean that they should communicate candidly
00:48and with authenticity.
00:50With Christopher Pyne telling people
00:52that he believed gay marriage would happen very soon
00:54and Tony Abbott telling people what was wrong
00:56with how Malcolm Turnbull was running the country.
00:58Both men were shouted down by their colleagues,
01:00very unfair in my view.
01:02Now, I'm not so much worried about Christopher.
01:04I know him well.
01:04We both went to Adelaide Uni together.
01:06And, in fact, we were both on the Law Student Society
01:09Entertainment Committee, as you can see there.
01:11Anyway, I have no doubt that he'll be able to bounce back from this.
01:14It's Tony that I'm worried about.
01:15In fact, according to our Tony Abbott cuckoo clock,
01:18it's almost zero hour and before we know it,
01:22Margie will be chasing him around the backyard with a butterfly net.
01:25He already has regular time in a padded cell, you know.
01:28Oh, yes.
01:29Every fortnight he goes into Ray Hadley's studio at 2GB.
01:32It's healthy, I think.
01:34I mean, he gets to vent, assuming he can get a word in over Ray.
01:37Essentially, he's not happy with the way the Liberal Party is being run,
01:40but is offering a solution.
01:42So let's take our party back.
01:44Yeah, back about two years, preferably,
01:46to when he was Prime Minister.
01:47Lately, he's been touring various right-wing think tanks around the country,
01:51and I think it's good therapy for him.
01:53He gets to act out his conflicts in a safe space
01:55where his attention-seeking won't be judged.
01:59And incidentally, if you'd like to be part of the audience,
02:01here are the dates for Tony's not listening tour.
02:05So what have the reviews been like for Tony's campaign launch?
02:08Has it gone down with the electorate?
02:09I'm getting a lot of feedback from the public
02:13which says it's good that you are saying your piece.
02:17Now, for those of you who don't know,
02:19you get feedback when the noise coming out of the speaker
02:22gets caught in a loop,
02:23so the same thing gets repeated over and over again
02:26and routes back into the speaker as input,
02:27and then the noise gets louder and louder
02:29and more and more irritating.
02:31But the former Prime Minister went on
02:33to give further comfort to his many fans.
02:35I'm in no hurry to leave public life.
02:37And I'm sure Mr Turnbull wouldn't want him to hurry.
02:40Normal speed will be fine.
02:42Still, it would be really annoying, wouldn't it, all this?
02:45It'd be like Tom Cruise constantly going up to Keith Urban
02:47and telling him how Nicole likes her eggs in the morning.
02:54I imagine.
02:56Although I think Malcolm's getting ready to fight back
02:58because, have you noticed,
02:59he's started wearing his bomber jacket again.
03:01You can always tell.
03:04Serious?
03:05Not so serious.
03:07Serious?
03:08Not serious.
03:09I'll get that arsehole.
03:10Ah, what the hell, I'm the Liberal Party's largest donor.
03:13What are they going to do?
03:14I'm off to Hamburg.
03:16Bill Shorten, though, very much the Stephen Bradbury
03:18of politics these days,
03:20has a different view of what Australians really want.
03:23When they've got enough money in their pockets
03:25to be able to afford a mortgage,
03:27to be able to pay the bills, to educate their kids,
03:29that's when this country's humming.
03:31Mind you, it's also humming when we don't know the words.
03:34They forget about the child who was reigning at the...
03:38You know, wants to go ahead and leaps and bounds.
03:45But Bill's getting some good feedback as well.
03:47For example, have a look at this
03:48and see what he does with his eyes when he says,
03:50out of control.
03:51It means families are doing it harder
03:53at a time when electricity and gas prices
03:55are just out of control.
03:56And what do people make of that?
04:00I like him because he goes like that.
04:04But the final word on all this ugliness
04:06should come from Bill himself,
04:07who made a great joke comparing it
04:09to the Manny Pacquiao-Jeff Horn bout.
04:11We haven't had one for a while.
04:13Would you like to hear a Bill zinger?
04:15Yes!
04:16All right, hold on to your sides, everybody.
04:20Cue tape.
04:21Well, in Brisbane tomorrow,
04:23Manny Pacquiao's taking on Jeff Horn.
04:25So for a couple of hours,
04:26that'll be the biggest fight in the nation.
04:28But once that's over,
04:30it'll be back to Abbott v Turnbull.
04:32And that fight never seems to end.
04:40And still to come later in the show,
04:42Maurice Payne has tested positive to a banned substance
04:44and been suspended from horse racing for a month.
04:47And Michelle Payne has rubbished
04:48Tony Abbott's call for nuclear-powered submarines.
04:51But first, I want to talk about
04:53why Tony is doing whatever it is he's doing.
04:55And a warning,
04:56this calls for a bit of plain speaking.
05:01Because it all started perfectly innocently, didn't it?
05:04As we know,
05:04a secretly recorded tape of Christopher Pyne
05:07talking to fellow moderates
05:08about how gay marriage was going to be here
05:09sooner than we thought
05:10was leaked to Andrew Bolt,
05:12who gave it to Ray Hadley,
05:13who played it to Tony on his show.
05:15I guess as part of a prank segment.
05:17But as we also know,
05:19Scott Morrison,
05:20when he spoke to the party's federal council...
05:22Released his inner maniac.
05:25And said this
05:28about what the Libs needed to do
05:30to win back the confidence of voters.
05:31We must answer with actions
05:33to the question that they're asking us.
05:36Do you get it?
05:37Are you on my side?
05:39Batman 4,
05:40Christopher Pyne,
05:41Ricard Tavener,
05:42given that the majority of Australians
05:43support legalising same-sex marriage,
05:46why not just legalise it?
05:48Sean, we went to the last election
05:49promising a plebiscite.
05:50Yes, but even back then,
05:52the majority of Australians
05:52said they'd vote yes in a plebiscite.
05:55So why not just legalise it
05:56and save $525 million?
05:58Well, it was an election promise, Sean.
06:00Well, what about the NBN?
06:01Malcolm promised this.
06:03Our commitment is to deliver
06:04very fast broadband
06:06to all Australians
06:07sooner,
06:10cheaper
06:10and more affordably.
06:12Yeah, see,
06:12it turned out to be
06:13not fast,
06:14not soon
06:14and neither cheaper
06:15nor more affordable.
06:16So that's four broken promises
06:18right there.
06:18What's one more?
06:20Sean, marriage
06:20is a very sacred institution.
06:22Well, most people,
06:23and I'm sorry to interrupt again,
06:24but most people are not religious,
06:25though,
06:25according to the most recent census,
06:27are they?
06:27Well, those that are
06:28are mainly Christian
06:29and the traditional view
06:31of marriage in the Bible
06:32is between...
06:32Well, we're not talking
06:33about religious marriage,
06:34though, are we?
06:35You know,
06:35where you can pick and choose
06:36who you allow into the club.
06:37We're talking about state marriage,
06:38which really didn't become a thing
06:39until the Roman Empire.
06:40I just mean,
06:41I think it's important
06:42that we take into account
06:44what is traditional in marriage.
06:45Well, in Roman law,
06:46the age of consent was 12,
06:47but that's changed over time,
06:48hasn't it?
06:49And without a plebiscite.
06:51Yeah, yeah.
06:51Yeah, well,
06:51this affects all Australians.
06:53Well, it only affects
06:53the gay ones.
06:55Well, we had a plebiscite
06:56on the Republic
06:57and that didn't just affect
06:58Republicans.
06:59Yeah, I know,
06:59but if we have gay marriage,
07:00not everyone has to enter
07:01into a gay marriage,
07:02do they?
07:05Aboriginals being counted
07:06as part of the population
07:07in 1967.
07:08Everyone voted on that
07:09and even the non-Aboriginals.
07:11Look, look,
07:11the Republic
07:11and the fact that
07:12Aboriginals were regarded
07:13as native fauna
07:14were constitutional issues.
07:16The definition of
07:16who can marry,
07:17who isn't
07:18was changed in 2004
07:19to exclude gay marriage
07:21one afternoon,
07:21the day after
07:22the Howard government
07:22announced it.
07:23Why not just change it back
07:24and it'd take half an hour?
07:26Germany just did it.
07:28Germany!
07:29Conservative government,
07:30conscience vote's not hard.
07:31Is there any way
07:34we could start
07:34this interview again?
07:36I don't think
07:37we have time.
07:37I don't think
07:37we have time.
08:01Batman 4,
08:12Christopher Pyne,
08:13Ricard Tavenner.
08:14Given that the majority
08:15of Australians support
08:16legalising same-sex marriage,
08:18why not just legalise it?
08:20You're right, Sean,
08:20we should.
08:21Thank you very much,
08:22Ricard.
08:23Still to come.
08:26Tony Abbott
08:27examines Prime Minister
08:28to determine
08:29softest entry point
08:30for Blade
08:30and Malcolm Turnbull
08:32prepares for Holiday Pig Shoot.
08:36In his brand new series,
08:39Todd Sampson
08:39is testing the limits
08:41of science,
08:42the human body
08:42and our appetite
08:44for shows featuring him.
08:46Whether in one of his t-shirts
08:47or another one of his t-shirts,
08:49Todd Sampson
08:50is trusting his life
08:51to the forces
08:52that control our universe,
08:54aside from Rupert Murdoch.
08:56Todd Sampson's
08:57I Died During the Filming of This
08:59starts October 21.
09:02This horse
09:03will run around
09:04insanely
09:04until he drops dead
09:05and the dog eats him,
09:07at which point
09:08the man who has been
09:09taunting the horse
09:10and starving the dog
09:11for the last week
09:12will feel
09:13his work is done.
09:14Sean McCall
09:15of Psychotic Holiday Adventures
09:17in the Hunter Valley region.
09:19Coming soon.
09:21Well, like Blanche DuBois,
09:22Fairfax is fanning herself
09:24in her front parlour,
09:25getting ready to receive
09:25some gentleman callers.
09:27Having already rid herself
09:29of some unsightly staff,
09:30she looks $30 million
09:31in cost savings.
09:33But will she be attractive enough
09:35to her private equity suitors?
09:36Omni-editor
09:37of the Sydney Morning Herald,
09:39The Age,
09:39The Oz Financial Review,
09:40Brisbane Times,
09:41Canberra Times,
09:42Newcastle Herald,
09:43Sun Herald,
09:43Border Mail and Benigo advertiser,
09:45Cardamon Pipe.
09:46Dim the lights
09:47and the old girl
09:48will look almost alive,
09:49Sean.
09:50All this buzz
09:51is just a shot
09:52in the chest
09:52with adrenaline.
09:53We need to get
09:54those rivers of gold
09:55flowing again,
09:56Cardamon,
09:56you dinosaur.
09:57What happened
09:57on House Rules last night?
09:59On our Smackdown
10:00if someone goes viral,
10:01worried you're eating
10:02too much selenium?
10:03Try our new sponsored link.
10:05Click, click,
10:06clickety,
10:06click, click.
10:07Gah, gah,
10:10gah, gah.
10:12Chris Lorax,
10:15Chief Stoker
10:15for News.com.au.
10:17You solve the problem
10:18of news gathering
10:18by simply not doing
10:19a lot of it.
10:20It's called
10:21citizen journalism,
10:22Sean.
10:22Yeah,
10:23is it really journalism
10:24though if you just
10:24take some random story
10:25and pass it off as news?
10:26Look at this graphic
10:27we got off Media Watch.
10:28Apex thugs
10:29knocked out
10:30in viral video.
10:32You get your stuff
10:33from Paul Barry,
10:34Sean,
10:34we get ours from
10:35someone who isn't
10:35Paul Barry.
10:36Same thing.
10:37Yeah,
10:37well,
10:37I'm not a real TV
10:38journalist,
10:39am I?
10:39He is.
10:40Paul says
10:40you got your
10:41as it turned out
10:42completely inaccurate
10:42story from
10:43the Party for Freedom
10:45website.
10:46Look at this
10:47funny picture
10:48we did for
10:48Andrew Bolt's
10:49column,
10:50eh?
10:50Never mind that.
10:50This is the future
10:51of Fairfax,
10:53Sean.
10:54Isn't that just
10:55the real estate
10:56supplement?
10:57It's what
10:58TPG,
10:58HNF and whoever
10:59else we're
11:00lap dancing for
11:01want.
11:01The domain
11:02becomes the
11:02masthead
11:03and the
11:03newspaper itself
11:04becomes a
11:05four-page
11:06supplement
11:06inside on
11:07Saturdays
11:07written by
11:09Twitterbots.
11:10People haven't
11:16got time to
11:16even glance
11:17at headlines
11:17anymore,
11:18Sean.
11:18Media consumption
11:19is made up
11:20of thousands
11:20of micro-impressions
11:21of keywords
11:22from links
11:23you're scrolling
11:23past on
11:24your way to
11:25a freeze frame
11:25from Sam
11:26Newman saying
11:26something about
11:27Kendall Jenner.
11:28Stories can
11:28get muddied
11:29by accuracy.
11:30Yeah,
11:30but why not
11:30just be a news
11:31aggregator and
11:32post a link
11:32directly to the
11:33Party for Freedom
11:33website?
11:34Integrity,
11:35Sean.
11:36Print may be
11:36as dead as
11:37Rupert looks,
11:37but there are
11:38some things we
11:39don't do.
11:39Way down the
11:40bottom of our
11:40article about
11:41Apex thugs,
11:42we clearly said
11:43that the video
11:44attracted a large
11:45number of racist
11:45comments too
11:46offensive to be
11:47published here.
11:48Well, that must
11:48have been frustrating
11:49for you.
11:49Yeah.
11:51Enough of the
11:52brickbats though.
11:53Time now for
11:53some bouquets flung
11:54just as violently
11:55by our media
11:56susquatch.
12:01Now, I'm not a big
12:03fan of hyperbole
12:06in television
12:06journalism.
12:07It's the worst
12:08thing a professional
12:09newsman can do
12:10in my opinion
12:10and should be
12:11punishable by death
12:12by a thousand
12:13atomic bombs.
12:14But things are so
12:15bad lately that you
12:16can forgive David
12:17Lipsom for describing
12:18Tony Abbott as being
12:19like a Dalek
12:20yelling exterminate.
12:23Now, that's a
12:24fair analogy.
12:27Both the Daleks
12:28and Tony Abbott
12:28feel no pity
12:29or remorse,
12:30each one to
12:31enslave mankind
12:31and conquer the
12:32universe and of
12:33course both are
12:34sworn enemies of
12:35the Doctor.
12:37So, well done David.
12:39Now, putting
12:40together a
12:40commercial network
12:41news bulletin
12:42every night must be
12:42a nightmare.
12:43I know watching it
12:44is.
12:45If you're not
12:45scouring YouTube
12:46for vision of a
12:47car accident somewhere
12:48on the planet,
12:49you're having to
12:49find yet another
12:50zoo where a
12:50gorilla has had
12:51a birthday or
12:52making lineball
12:53judgment calls like
12:54do you run a story
12:55on the fight
12:56against ISIS in
12:57Mosul or a more
12:58reflective interview
12:59piece with Jerry
13:00Harvey like this.
13:01We used to sell
13:02these for $2,500
13:0325 years ago.
13:05It's $994.
13:08Now, I know
13:09how it looks but
13:10I think you're being
13:11unfair in taking him
13:12out of context.
13:12Let's give the story
13:13its proper context.
13:15There's never been
13:15a better time to buy.
13:17At the moment,
13:17the deals are just
13:18so good.
13:19At Harvey Norman,
13:20there's 20% off
13:21TVs and stellar
13:23savings on white
13:24goods.
13:25Although, to be
13:26perfectly fair, it
13:27was more than just
13:28a study of Jerry
13:29Harvey.
13:30At Meyer, there's
13:31big savings on
13:32beauty, Calvin Klein's
13:33Reveal fragrance and
13:35Revlon Wonder
13:36Cream halved.
13:37At David Jones,
13:38shoppers will save
13:39$36 on luxury
13:41Sheridan bath sheets
13:43and Sunbeam slow
13:44cookers down from
13:45$59.95 to just
13:47$39.
13:49Now, Eunice Lutt,
13:51the Dean of
13:51Journalism at the
13:52University of
13:53Coober Pedy.
13:54Eunice, your reaction
13:57to that news item?
13:58Well, Sean, as a
13:59former news journalist
14:00myself, I must say I
14:02was very surprised that
14:03they ran with that,
14:04you know, Sheridan
14:05bath towels discounted
14:06and overlooked several
14:07much bigger stories,
14:09such as the Oxo pot
14:11rectangular acrylic
14:11container, 1.4 litre,
14:13was $30, now just
14:15$22.76.
14:16The Zoku slushie
14:18maker, down from
14:19$41 to $30.96.
14:21And the Antipodes
14:23Hosanna H20 intensive
14:25skin clumping serum,
14:26not $49.95, now
14:28just $37.80.
14:29Mm, staggeringly poor
14:31judgement, isn't it?
14:32Well, we may never see
14:33crazily discounted
14:35prices like this again
14:35in our lifetime, Sean.
14:37And when we talk about
14:38which story do I run
14:40with, I think everyone
14:42fighting in Mosul would
14:43stop and their jaws
14:44would drop if they saw
14:46such heavily discounted
14:48savings.
14:48Well, thanks, Eunice.
14:50And by the way, just on
14:51Harvey Norman, we know
14:52who the Harvey is,
14:53Gerry Harvey, but do we
14:54know who the Norman
14:56is?
14:56Yeah, actually we do,
14:57Sean.
14:58Yeah.
14:58And as you can see,
15:00great discounts all year
15:01round on shower
15:02accessories, I believe.
15:04Well, thank you, Eunice,
15:05and well done, Channel
15:06Nine.
15:07And finally, see what
15:09you think of this from
15:10the usually reliable
15:11aged newspaper.
15:13Great white shark jumps
15:14into fisherman's boat
15:15off Evan's head.
15:17Now, I ask you,
15:19what on earth was a
15:21shark doing on the...
15:22Excuse me, just a moment.
15:26Hello?
15:28Oh, I see.
15:30I feel such a fool.
15:32OK.
15:33Bye-bye.
15:33Now, we were talking
15:39earlier about the infighting
15:42going on in the Liberal
15:42Party, and I think it would
15:44be very, very unfair to
15:45leave you with the
15:45impression that it was just
15:46Tony causing all the
15:47trouble.
15:48According to Senator
15:49Derren Hinch, there are
15:50senior people in the
15:51Abbott camp leaking
15:52directly to Bill
15:53Shorten, and that they
15:54want to bring down
15:55Malcolm Turnbull, even
15:56if it means losing the
15:57next election.
15:58So I guess when the
15:59news poll survey shows
16:00that 31% of Australians
16:01choose Bill Shorten as
16:02preferred Prime
16:03Minister, most of that
16:0431% is made up of
16:06members of the
16:06government.
16:08And the fact is, Mr
16:09Turnbull's colleagues
16:10are undermining his
16:11authority in a manner
16:11that Bill Shorten could
16:12only dream of.
16:13That made Bill completely
16:14redundant, because if he
16:15pipes up, tears strips
16:16off Malcolm Turnbull,
16:18half the government
16:18tell him to shut up and
16:19let them have a go.
16:21The only way Bill's
16:22going to get a crack at
16:23the PM is if he
16:24crosses the floor.
16:25John Howard once
16:26described the Liberal
16:27Party as a broad church,
16:29but today it seems to
16:30be fragmenting into a
16:31number of much smaller
16:32churches.
16:33Scientology, Amish, Buddhism,
16:37Wicca, and of course,
16:39those who believe in the
16:40mighty Thor.
16:42And it's not even just the
16:44Libs causing trouble for
16:45the Libs.
16:45Former Queensland LNP
16:46Premier Campbell...
16:48NUMBEN!
16:52..is also slagging off at the
16:54PM.
16:55Mr...
16:55NUMBEN!
16:57..called on Mr Turnbull to
16:58resign and said that regional
16:59Australians, including North
17:00Queenslanders, didn't get
17:02Mr Turnbull.
17:03Although if they're not
17:04getting him up there, it's
17:05because reception's so bad.
17:07And Mr Broadbent really only
17:08got himself to blame for that.
17:09The thing is, this is not
17:11automatically good news for
17:12Labor.
17:13Mr...
17:14NUMBEN!
17:15..went on to say that
17:16Pauline Hanson would be the
17:17beneficiary of all this ill will
17:19to Mr Turnbull, particularly in
17:20northern Queensland, because up
17:22north, she's a rock star.
17:23Now, it sounds unlikely, but,
17:26you know, Chad Morgan still
17:27packs him in up there
17:28apparently, so...
17:29..why not?
17:33And, of course, it's not just
17:35the Libs who are having
17:35troubles this week.
17:36Spare a thought for the
17:37Greens, who are coping with
17:39the occasional spray from
17:40their own rogue member.
17:41Senator Lee Rhiannon's been
17:43accused of undermining the
17:44federal Greens-Gonski
17:45negotiations with the
17:46government, negotiations
17:47without which the government
17:48was able to do exactly what
17:49it did anyway.
17:50And so the Greens have
17:51decided that Rhiannon,
17:53like the famous Fleetwood Mac
17:54song that bears her name,
17:56should not be listened to
17:56any more because everyone's
17:58sick and tired of hearing.
18:01Incidentally, Rhiannon is
18:02part of the Greens'
18:03watermelon faction, so-called...
18:05Because they're green on
18:06the outside and red on
18:08the inside.
18:09Now, these sorts of factions
18:11exist in other parties, too.
18:12Labour centrists are often
18:14called capsicums, red on the
18:16outside and nothing much on
18:18the inside.
18:21Barnaby Joyce, too, has been
18:22described as red on the
18:23outside, but that's more to
18:24do with him not wearing a hat.
18:27Sports coming up a little
18:28while later in the show,
18:29but first, sport.
18:35And we cross now to Maggie
18:37and her team, who have very
18:38kindly opened up their
18:39studios, a temporary hostel
18:40for Australia's elite
18:41cricketers.
18:42Good on you, Maggie.
18:43Yeah, look, our boys are
18:44doing it tough at the moment,
18:45Sean, so the least we can do
18:47is offer them some thin
18:48gruel and a place to crash
18:49until they sort out their
18:50pay deal.
18:51Good stuff.
18:52Now, Australia's first lady
18:53of Melbourne Cup winning
18:54Michelle Payne out for a month
18:55for suppressing her appetite.
18:57Yeah, that's right, Sean.
18:58I mean, double standards,
18:59I reckon.
18:59Eddie Maguire can lose 15
19:01kilos in three weeks and is
19:02applauded.
19:03Michelle doesn't put anything
19:04on, loses four weeks and
19:05gets negative press.
19:07Lance Armstrong all over
19:08again, isn't it?
19:09I don't know about that,
19:10Sean.
19:10Well, you know, the drugs and
19:11both sit down while racing.
19:13Yeah, but unlike Lance, the
19:15drugs in Michelle don't make the
19:16thing she's riding go any
19:17faster.
19:18Plus, she has one less
19:19testicle.
19:21But they put weights on
19:22horses if the jockey is like,
19:24don't they, Maggie?
19:24Yeah.
19:25Yeah, well, what difference
19:26does it make whether she
19:27suppresses her appetite or not?
19:29And if, as you say, her
19:30taking a drug doesn't have
19:31any direct effect on the
19:31speed of the animal she's
19:32holding on to, what's the
19:33problem?
19:34In fact, why have anyone on
19:35the horse at all?
19:36Why not just have a cannon go
19:37off behind the horses and
19:38have them stampede?
19:40It'd be more exciting,
19:41wouldn't it?
19:41Having the horses running
19:42insanely around the track.
19:44Yeah, but how would you
19:45stop them, Sean, without a
19:46jockey to pull on the reins?
19:48Well, exhaustion.
19:51Another cannon on the
19:52other end.
19:52I'm not saying the race would
19:54necessarily be the same
19:55length or time every time
19:56you ran it, but whichever
19:58horse runs the furthest
19:59wins.
20:00And there's no whip, so it'd
20:01be less cruel.
20:02Yeah, I don't know, Sean.
20:03I mean, the punters like
20:04their horse racing
20:04traditional.
20:05Well, you could whip them
20:06before the race, I suppose,
20:07back at the stables, if
20:08that's what you wanted.
20:09Yeah, look, I've got to go,
20:10Sean.
20:10Josh Hazelwood's booked in
20:11for a shower and de-lousing.
20:12All right, well, I'll leave
20:14you to her, Mags.
20:14Bye-bye.
20:15And ahead in the program,
20:17I talk to Labor Climate
20:18Policy Advisor, Paul Ver.
20:20So, why do you think that
20:22hasn't been excluded by
20:23Dr. Finkel?
20:24Actually, it's Dr.
20:25Thinkle, Sean.
20:27Well, I'm pretty sure it's
20:28Finkel.
20:28Well, I heard Bill Shorten
20:30call him Finkel, so I'm
20:31pretty sure that Bill
20:32thinks it's Thinkle.
20:35But how would you know?
20:36If Bill thinks it's
20:37Thinkle, then he'd call him
20:38Finkel, and if he thinks
20:40it's Finkel, he's not going to
20:40call him Thinkle, is he?
20:41He'd call him Finkel.
20:42He's going to call him
20:43Finkel, whether it's
20:45Thinkle or Finkel.
20:46Hear the best stories
21:13Hear the best stories, news and entertainment with ABC Podcasts.
21:19Saturday on Father Brown, there's blessed relief for any viewers
21:23when the end credits roll and some entertainment is finally provided
21:27by the occasional amusing name like Caitlin Drabble.
21:31Father Brown, Saturday, 7.30.
21:35Why is he wearing a dinner suit?
21:36Because Malcolm's an undertaker, Sean.
21:38You see, he's burying the Liberal Party, which has died.
21:41If he was an undertaker, wouldn't he be wearing a morning suit or a frock coat?
21:44And why is he leaning on a shovel? He's not the gravedigger, is he?
21:47And why is he wearing a 19th century Georgian turf hat?
21:51Just a bit of fun, Sean, see?
21:53There's Tony Abbott's budgie smugglers sticking out of the edge of the coffin there.
21:56So Tony's naked inside the coffin, is he?
22:00And how come they're hooked on the outside?
22:01Was he taking them off as he was getting it?
22:03Wasn't he dead in the... You need to think this thing through.
22:06It'll begin.
22:11Plastic, unlike government negotiations on the climate, doesn't break down.
22:16And that's why they're predicting that by 2050,
22:19the ocean will contain more of it by weight than fish.
22:22And you know who I blame for this?
22:24Man.
22:25I know, like the rest of us, when I finish the soft drink,
22:28I just throw the bottle into the ocean.
22:30But if we all threw that bottle in while it was still full,
22:32the sugar content would cause the fish to gain weight
22:35and we wouldn't be in this mess.
22:36Of course, the lid would have to be off because plastic isn't permeable
22:39and doesn't break down.
22:40But you know, a bit of thought and what idiots call pre-planning,
22:43we might be able to save this crazy old world of ours.
22:47Interestingly enough, scientists in Belgium have found recently
22:49that people who eat seafood ingest up to 11,000 tiny bits of plastic every year.
22:54I mean, that's great, obviously,
22:56but is transferring the plastic to our bodies really a long-term solution?
23:00And if so, then to really address the plastic aquatic life balance,
23:05we'll have to stop eating plastic that's packaged in so much excess fish.
23:09So, the next time you go to the fish and chip shop,
23:12don't get the blue grenadier or the grilled piece of flake.
23:15Cut out the middleman, save a fish and just eat a plastic fork.
23:20But right now, it's time for this.
23:24Energy.
23:25It's expensive and not available when it is.
23:28And just like most people who don't value vision,
23:31Australia is looking to the sun.
23:33Solar farms like these and others that aren't
23:36are total catnip to climate changes like Fabian Bastien.
23:40But will her left wing, like Icarus,
23:42find itself melting the closer she gets to realising her dream?
23:46Yeah, I've seen those big solar farms
23:48with thousands of panels pushed up against each other
23:51and I don't think it's healthy.
23:52I've only got one panel.
23:54It doesn't have to fight for the sun's rays.
23:55I can move it around freely
23:57and I think the quality of energy is much better.
24:00Her next-door neighbour disagrees.
24:02I disagree.
24:03That disabled hippie has no regard for her fellow man.
24:06The sun is a non-renewable.
24:08Once it snuffs out in five billion years, that's it.
24:10Wind is the future.
24:11That's why I'm knocking down my house
24:13and building a windmill to live in.
24:14Casper's windmill, unlike Casper himself, makes sense.
24:19Wind power is less intermittent than Fabiana's energy source
24:22and is more interesting to look at in footage like this.
24:25Plus, any extra energy I create,
24:27I can give out of the goodness of my heart.
24:29Bless a small fee to my neighbour via the grid.
24:32Everybody wins.
24:33Unfortunately, the construction of the windmill
24:36will cast a giant shadow over his neighbour's solar panel,
24:40rendering it useless.
24:41It's ridiculous.
24:42I mean, why doesn't he build it underground
24:44like that lady across the road
24:46with her carbon-capturing sequestration facility?
24:48What's wrong with my beautiful windmill?
24:50Fabiana makes a good risotto.
24:52There are other alternatives
24:54to the usual alternative energy options and or choices.
24:58This is outrageous!
24:59Former drug mule Dolores Cream
25:01smuggles Australian gas in from Japan.
25:04Even after a 200% mark-up, it's still cheapy.
25:08Tabby Lowen, CEO of Lowen Energy,
25:12has submitted a proposal to the federal government
25:14that the Snowy Hydro Scheme be retooled
25:17so that all the water is forced at high pressure
25:21into the layers of sedimentary rock under our water tables
25:24to release coal seam gas by fracking.
25:27The beauty of the proposal, of course,
25:29is that any extra energy created can be sold back into the grid
25:31and used to run the desalination plant we'll need.
25:34Of course, we won't have any drinking water.
25:35Or artesian water.
25:36Or artesian water, yes.
25:38Which means that the now non-arable farmland above it
25:41will be available for fresh investment opportunities
25:43such as wind and solar farms,
25:46to battery storage, to affordable housing
25:48and, of course, open-cut mining.
25:51Compared with the air over power stations like Hazelwood,
25:54one thing is clear,
25:55and that is whatever unenforceable targets
25:58were agreed to at the Paris Climate Change Conference,
26:01coal and other non-renewables are here to stay
26:03for fossil fuels are a God-given bounty
26:06and it would be almost sacrilegious
26:09not to exploit them in the way the good Lord intended.
26:12For does not the fossil fuel come from the very dinosaur skeleton
26:16that the Almighty put on this earth to test the non-believer?
26:19Aye, and verily it came to pass,
26:23as will the gas and wind of all men,
26:26that unto the valley of darkness we will all be plunged
26:28when the lights don't work
26:29and there will be a great wailing of teeth
26:31when we can't recharge our phones to check our Facebook feeds.
26:35And not coming up, cos Ronnie Cheng's on in a minute.
26:44President uses tiny desks to make hands look bigger
26:47and Queen forces Royal Guard to play live version of Guess Who?
26:54And before we go, and just in case you think
26:56we've been bashing the libs too much in this episode,
26:59a bit of a plug for their new website-stroke-newsletter thing.
27:02It's a sort of Liberal Party version of GetUp.
27:05And as you can see, it's called The Fair Go,
27:08and pretty much everything you need to know
27:09is in the way the word fair appears in the logo.
27:12It's white and leans to the right.
27:16Also, to push the metaphor just that little bit further,
27:19the word fits exactly into the missing space
27:22on the Liberal Party logo.
27:24Goodbye.
27:26Jack, baby.
27:34Jack, baby.