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Honky Kong
  • 6/11/2025
Original Broadcast Date: June 21st 2017

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📺
TV
Transcript
00:01Good evening.
00:02Just a couple of things before we begin.
00:04First, I should explain why I'm dressed like this.
00:06It's not part of the ABC's usual pro-Islamist agenda.
00:09This is for a sketch that we might open the show with,
00:12depending on how it goes.
00:13Good morning!
00:14No, no, Stephen, not yet, not yet, not yet.
00:18Usually we cut them because they're a bit old-fashioned
00:21and this one looks particularly broad.
00:23But the main reason I wanted this time with you
00:26was to thank you very much for watching us
00:28instead of State of Origin.
00:29Or if you're watching this later on iView,
00:31having already watched State of Origin,
00:33to say how disappointed I am in you.
00:35Also, I wanted to introduce you to someone.
00:37This is our studio audience.
00:39Studio audience, this is the home audience.
00:41I thought it was important you see they exist
00:43because a lot of people, not used to hearing
00:45actual laughter in this time slot on a Wednesday,
00:49assume that any audience response we get during the show
00:51is pre-recorded.
00:52And you're not pre-recorded, are you?
00:54No!
00:55See?
00:56So what do you reckon, shall we get on with the show
01:00or shall we see the sketch?
01:02Get on with the show!
01:04Alright, just go and change.
01:06Keep them struggling!
01:084....
01:13Ha ha!
01:20Ha ha!
01:43I think too often in this country, we're too quick to poo-poo ourselves,
01:47to focus on the negative.
01:48And that, in my view, makes us look lame and stupid.
01:51That's why, when we actually achieve something,
01:53I think we should celebrate it for the rare hen's tooth that it is.
01:57And that's why I'm delighted to report that this week
01:59we entered the big league nations of the world
02:01with our government debt now in excess of half a trillion dollars.
02:05Yes!
02:07Mind you, mind you, it is business as usual otherwise.
02:10No-one seems to know their place anymore.
02:12And that makes me as mad as...
02:14..something.
02:15We've got politicians thinking they know better than the judges,
02:20backbenchers who think they know better than the Prime Minister,
02:23Prime Ministers who think they're comedians.
02:24I mean, it's all very well for Malcolm to say
02:27he was making fun of himself,
02:29but really, if anyone should be making fun of the Prime Minister,
02:31it should be me.
02:33And that goes for our ex-Prime Ministers as well.
02:35In fact, I'm very worried about Tony.
02:38I mean, I know he no longer hopes to get back into the Lodge,
02:40and he's aiming lower these days.
02:42Yes, it's Tony Abbott hoping to get him to the garage.
02:48But he is alienating a lot of his supporters
02:50by the way he's behaving.
02:51In fact, according to our Tony Abbott cuckoo clock,
02:54it's only a matter of time before he goes completely insane.
02:57Actually, we should probably have got a stopwatch.
03:01I mean, it was all right when Kevin Rudd unravelled
03:03because he didn't have far to go,
03:04but with Tony, you actually get the impression
03:07that he could literally kill somebody.
03:09I mean, I don't want to see him with no friends at all
03:12in the Liberal Party, all sad and lonely
03:14and venting on a blog that no-one reads.
03:16After all, that's Corey Bernardi's job.
03:20People need to know their place.
03:22For example, the prospect of these contempt of court proceedings
03:25against Greg Hunt, Alan Tudge and Michael Sukkar
03:27raises all sorts of questions around the definition of contempt.
03:31Senator David Leinhelm offered this legal interpretation.
03:34Contempt for the court is when you do a brown eye.
03:40Well, I think there's little doubt
03:41that that would be frowned upon by the court.
03:45But speaking as a former solicitor,
03:47I do think the definition of contempt
03:48is a bit wider than bending over and spreading your buttocks.
03:52Depending, of course, on the width of the buttocks involved.
03:55Still, on the contempt scale, there's no doubt
03:57that doing a brown eye would be up the high end.
04:01Anyways, before the courts, and I don't want to say too much
04:03because it's not my place.
04:05It's not my place.
04:06What is my place to talk about
04:08is what went on in our place of government last week.
04:12Yes, the parliamentary midwinter ball
04:14was held in Canberra on Thursday,
04:16an occasion where political differences are put to one side
04:19and you'd see, for example,
04:20the Prime Minister rubbing shoulders with his direct opponent,
04:23the man who wants his job.
04:25This year, though, Tony Abbott was a no-show,
04:27leaving Bill Shorten to stand in for him
04:29in the traditional awkward group photograph.
04:32Barnaby Joyce was certainly expecting Mr Abbott to attend,
04:35as you can see from this clip of him
04:36waiting for Tony in the foyer.
04:40While Liberal MPs Sarah Henderson and Julia Banks
04:43took along a wax effigy of colleague Ian Goodenough.
04:47It's also a great fundraising night for charity,
04:49with afternoon tea and a tour of the lodge
04:51raising $17,100 for Network 10,
04:55a very worthy chorus.
04:57While a bottle of wine and a chat
04:58with Bill Shorten and Tanya Plibersek
05:00went for $11,700.
05:03Wow.
05:04An $11,700 bottle of wine.
05:09The trouble, though,
05:10was when a secretly recorded tape of our PM
05:13impersonating Donald Trump
05:14was leaked to Channel 9.
05:15The leak to the media in itself
05:17being a very accurate impression
05:19of the Trump administration.
05:20The performance, though,
05:22was generally well received.
05:23Here's a glowing review from Christopher Pyne.
05:25I love Sabrina.
05:26I always have.
05:27I think it's a charming film.
05:29I beg your pardon.
05:30That was the wrong clip.
05:33Here's Christopher.
05:34The truth is,
05:34the reason Bill Shorten's speech
05:36wasn't leaked
05:37was because it was such a stinker.
05:39On the other hand,
05:40Malcolm Turnbull's was very funny.
05:42The whole point of the midwinterball speeches
05:44is to be funny.
05:45And I think it's great
05:47that the Australian public
05:48have got to see a side
05:49of Malcolm Turnbull
05:51that I see on a regular basis,
05:53which is that he's really
05:54a very fun and funny guy.
06:00And more importantly,
06:01the Coalition now have an effective weapon
06:03they can use in campaigning.
06:05So rather than more jobs,
06:06more fun.
06:07Instead of strong economy,
06:09funnier jokes.
06:10Instead of stable government,
06:12we want no stinking zingers.
06:13Frankly, I think that's being
06:15a little bit unfair on Bill.
06:17I wasn't at the ball,
06:17so I didn't hear his act.
06:18But if it was anything like
06:20his recent budget smackdown,
06:22the only thing it could have stunk of
06:23was the sweet smell of success.
06:25We all know that Mr Turnbull
06:26has tried to steal
06:28the policy clothes of Labor.
06:30The problem is,
06:30they're not a good fit for him.
06:32Yeah, it's funny
06:37because it's true.
06:38Yeah, look how well
06:39Bill's actual clothes
06:40fit on himself.
06:45But who leaked the footage
06:46to the media?
06:47It's a time-honoured tradition
06:48at the ball
06:49that our politicians
06:50and press can get together
06:51and gather in secret
06:52and do whatever they want
06:53with impunity.
06:54And why not?
06:54Shouldn't Michaelia Cash
06:56be given a chance
06:56to let her hair down occasionally?
06:59Who would begrudge
07:00Senator Lionel
07:00on the chance
07:01to speak his mind for once
07:02instead of constantly
07:04being bound
07:04by political correctness?
07:06And surely Terry Butler
07:07should be allowed
07:08to call s*** and b***h
07:09him a m***h s***b***er
07:10if she wants to.
07:17And for many years,
07:18like Vegas,
07:19whatever went on
07:20at the Midwinter's Ball
07:21stayed in Vegas.
07:22I had the great pleasure
07:23of hosting the event myself
07:24back in 2002,
07:26I think it was.
07:27But did I publish
07:28this photo I took
07:28of John Howard
07:29nude water skiing
07:30across Lake Burley Griffin
07:31pulled by an equally nude
07:33Kim Beasley?
07:35No, of course not,
07:37because I am
07:37a man of integrity.
07:39Matthias Cormann,
07:40on the other hand,
07:41has a theory about
07:42who has done
07:43this most recent it.
07:44Bill Shorten
07:45will have to clarify
07:46to die whether it is true
07:47that his office
07:49was behind leaking
07:51those secret recordings
07:53and if so,
07:53why had I thought
07:54it was a good idea
07:55to do so?
07:58Spoke senator
08:00for Senator Cormann
08:01Darius Horsham,
08:02Laurie Oaks
08:03has denied
08:04the leak came
08:04from Bill Shorten's camp.
08:06Bill Shorten's camp?
08:07You know what I mean.
08:09He also says,
08:09ditto suggestion,
08:10it came from PM.
08:12Laurie is quite a wordsmith.
08:13But is he right, though?
08:15Does Matthias
08:15owe Bill Shorten
08:16an apology?
08:17Matthias doesn't owe
08:18Bill Shorten
08:19diddly squat, Sean.
08:21Laurie Oaks
08:21wouldn't know
08:22if his ass was on fire
08:23and if he did
08:24then he would report it
08:25as backburning
08:26so that all the gossip
08:28that he spreads
08:28like wildfire
08:29wouldn't engulf
08:30his entire body.
08:32Did the PM release it?
08:33It certainly hasn't
08:34hurt his reputation
08:35any, being seen
08:35as having a sense of humour.
08:36It's like Christopher
08:37Pine says,
08:38Sean,
08:38Malcolm is very funny.
08:40Countless other times
08:42I have been clutching
08:43my sides in agony
08:44with his comedy.
08:45But Michaelia Cash
08:47is regularly laughing
08:48like a drain
08:49at his comic hijinks.
08:51And I think
08:52we have innumerable
08:53shots of Michaelia
08:54laughing at Malcolm.
08:55Yes,
08:56whether he's in a room
08:57or in the outdoors
08:58or when he's just talking
09:00or not talking
09:01or over his tax reform
09:02announcement
09:03or over his cuts
09:04to penalty rates
09:05or over his shoulder.
09:07Michaelia will be there
09:09cackling maniacally.
09:11He puts the party
09:12in the party room,
09:13Sean.
09:13We all find
09:15the PM most visible.
09:16There's no way
09:17that anyone
09:18on our side
09:18of the politics
09:19would leak anything.
09:20What about Tony Abbott?
09:21Except for Tony,
09:22obviously.
09:24That man leaks
09:25like HMAS Adelaide
09:26and the last time
09:28he left
09:29was when Jamie Briggs
09:30dislocated his knee.
09:32Well, thank you
09:33very much, Darius.
09:33Fantastic.
09:35Well, I don't know
09:36if...
09:36Take out the papers
09:37and the trash.
09:40Oh, you don't
09:41get no spending cash.
09:42Well, I don't know
09:43if you're familiar
09:43with what happens
09:44to the beautiful
09:45trapeze artist
09:46at the end
09:46of the 1931 movie
09:47freaks,
09:48but pretty much
09:49the same outcome
09:50was expected
09:50when Simon Birmingham's
09:51budget education package
09:52got flung into the Senate.
09:54Although, to be fair,
09:55not everyone
09:56in the Senate chamber
09:57is an insane circus freak.
09:58Oh, I might be wrong there.
10:05Although, I quite like
10:07Simon Birmingham.
10:08The thing is,
10:09I just don't think
10:09that he sold Gonski 2.0
10:11with enough pizzazz.
10:13They need a professional salesman.
10:15Somebody like this.
10:16Hi, James Genie here
10:17with the miracle
10:18magnetic duster
10:19that attracts dust
10:20just like a magnet
10:21without spreading it around.
10:23Now,
10:24I'm not actually saying
10:25get that same guy.
10:26I imagine he'd be very expensive.
10:28Excuse me just a minute.
10:30Hello?
10:31Really?
10:32That's quite reasonable.
10:35Do you love the idea
10:37of sending your child
10:38to a well-resourced school
10:39but don't?
10:40Because they're so expensive,
10:42do you seem to spend
10:43more time teaching
10:44your kids at home
10:44than they actually spend
10:46at school?
10:46Then what you really need
10:48is the all-new
10:49Gonski 2.0.
10:51The quick and easy
10:52professional education
10:53funding model
10:54that can transform
10:55your underachieving
10:56dullard child
10:57into the ducks
10:59of the class.
11:00Imagine your child
11:01learning how to
11:02add up and write
11:02while you paint your house
11:04the quick and easy way
11:05with the all-new
11:06Paintrunner Pro.
11:07Watch how this
11:08well-below-average student
11:10learns how to spell
11:11in just minutes
11:12without the need
11:13for messy
11:13old technology
11:14dictionaries
11:15and thesauruses.
11:16But don't just believe me,
11:18listen to what these
11:19people are saying
11:19about the Gonski 2.0.
11:21Well, what I love
11:22about Gonski 2.0
11:23is the idea of creating
11:25a national needs-based
11:26school resourcing standard.
11:28Since the introduction
11:29of Gonski 2.0,
11:30I've lost seven kilos
11:31and four centimetres
11:33off my waist
11:33and I feel great.
11:36Gonski 2.0
11:37really is the education
11:39funding model
11:39of the 21st century.
11:41So why not let
11:42Gonski 2.0
11:43pass through the Senate today?
11:48Well, Pauline Hanson
11:51has an aeroplane,
11:52Bill Shorten has a bus
11:53and Jackie Lambie
11:55has a spare tyre.
11:56But it's staff,
11:57not tyres,
11:58that the Senate
11:58has been changing lately
11:59and now Ms Lambie's
12:00former Chief of Staff
12:02Rob Messinger
12:02along with his wife,
12:03the former office manager,
12:05have made a number
12:05of accusations
12:06against their former boss,
12:07including that she took
12:08staff shopping
12:09for sex toys,
12:11complained about
12:11needing a root
12:12and stumbled over words
12:13of more than two syllables.
12:15Fortunately for her,
12:16root only has one syllable.
12:18Though sadly,
12:20it does require
12:20at least two people
12:21and that can be
12:22a problem in Canberra.
12:23The loneliness
12:24of the parliamentary life
12:25is not a new thing.
12:26Who can forget
12:27Prime Minister Billy Hughes'
12:28impassioned plea
12:29for a bit of lovin'
12:30back in 1919?
12:32Or Kevin Rudd's gift
12:33of twin dildos
12:34to the King
12:34and Queen of Spain
12:35some 90 years later?
12:38So Jackie is travelling
12:39down a well-trod path
12:40but Mr Messenger
12:42is also concerned
12:43about his and his wife's
12:44reputation
12:44as Ms Lambie's speechwriters.
12:46Going on in his
12:47letter of complaint
12:48to claim that
12:49Ms Lambie admitted
12:49that while she was
12:51the billboard,
12:51the messengers
12:52were the brains
12:53behind the message
12:53that went on that billboard.
12:55Now frankly,
12:56that doesn't make
12:56any sense to me at all
12:57because that would mean
12:58that Ms Lambie
12:59was the messenger
12:59and not the messengers.
13:03But then to complicate matters,
13:05the brains behind the message,
13:06i.e. the messengers,
13:07went on to say
13:08that Ms Lambie bluntly
13:09and succulently said
13:10she would be f***ed
13:12if they ever left.
13:15OK, two things.
13:18He may mean succulently
13:19or he may have meant
13:21to say succinctly.
13:24But either way,
13:25how good was his reputation
13:26as a speechwriter
13:27in the first place?
13:30Secondly,
13:30if the messengers left
13:31and Jackie was,
13:32in a word,
13:33f***ed,
13:35wouldn't that deal
13:36with the problem
13:37of her needing a root?
13:39A question I might well put
13:40to political advisor
13:41to Jackie Lambie,
13:42Dolly Norman.
13:43Sean,
13:43what Jackie talks about
13:45in her own office
13:46with all of her stuff
13:48is her own business.
13:50It's a private matter
13:51between her
13:52and everyone she talks to.
13:54And whether and how
13:56she's being satisfied
13:57as a woman,
13:58I will not be drawn on, Sean.
14:00Her sexual activities
14:01are beneath me.
14:02Right.
14:04Did she ever take you
14:06shopping for sex toys?
14:07Yeah, yeah,
14:08she did, yeah.
14:08For Christmas,
14:09she bought me these
14:10really nice vibrating beads.
14:12Right.
14:12And did you think
14:14that was appropriate?
14:15Um, look,
14:16I didn't really have
14:17anything to wear with them,
14:19so I ended up
14:19donating them
14:20to the Salvos.
14:21All right,
14:22now Mr Messenger
14:23also accuses Ms Lambie
14:24of using obscene language
14:25in the office,
14:26describing anyone
14:27who disagreed with her
14:28as a...
14:29Now, I don't think
14:30I can read that out.
14:31I can read it
14:33if you like.
14:33No, no, no,
14:33it's fine.
14:34No, I can see it reading.
14:34No, no, I have to.
14:35No, absolutely not.
14:36Oh, it's after
14:36the threshold, Sean.
14:37No, it's all right,
14:38thank you, Dolly.
14:38No, the quick...
14:39I was just wondering,
14:40I just wanted to know,
14:41has Jackie ever used
14:41language like that
14:42around you?
14:43No, never.
14:45She did call me a
14:45once, but, um...
14:47..never a once.
14:50Um, mind you,
14:51as Mr Messenger says,
14:53Jackie only trips
14:54over things
14:55words of more than one syllables.
14:57So, it certainly is within
14:59her wheelhouse
15:00to use the expression
15:02should the circumstances arise
15:04but would be appropriate.
15:06Dolly, thank you very much
15:07for your time
15:08and please accept
15:09with our compliments
15:09this beauty blender
15:10and a jar of
15:12Julie Bishop
15:13glorious foundation.
15:16It's, uh,
15:17it's completely transparent,
15:19apparently,
15:19and you won't, uh,
15:21you won't even be aware
15:22you're using it
15:22and, of course,
15:23apply liberally.
15:26Sunday night
15:27on ABC2,
15:28straight after
15:29Doctor Who
15:30on ABC1.
15:31OK, let's go around.
15:32What do we think
15:32of tonight's episode?
15:34Stop bringing people back.
15:35It's Whovians.
15:36Join Rove,
15:37Teagan,
15:38Adam and Bajo
15:39as they discuss
15:40the latest
15:40Doctor Who episode
15:42and all things
15:43Doctor Who.
15:44And straight after that
15:45on ABC Me,
15:46join Davin,
15:47Krog,
15:48Nipper and Clive
15:49for Whovian Vians
15:50as they discuss
15:51the latest
15:52Whovians episode
15:53and all things
15:54Whovian.
15:55Followed straight
15:56afterwards
15:56on ABC24
15:58by Whovian Vian Vians
16:00as Chip,
16:01Buzz,
16:02Corky and Myrtle
16:03reflect on
16:04Davin,
16:04Krog,
16:05Nipper and Clive's
16:06analysis
16:06of Rove,
16:07Adam,
16:08Teagan and
16:08Bajo's show.
16:09Followed on ABC2
16:11by
16:11what show
16:12were we originally
16:13talking about?
16:14Where Dirk Speck
16:15and eight people
16:16who couldn't get
16:16into the taping
16:17of Hard Quiz
16:18try to work out
16:19what programs
16:20started this exercise
16:21in navel-gazing.
16:23While over on ABC1,
16:24Sean McAlef's
16:25Mad as Hell
16:26continues.
16:28Well, if Gallipoli,
16:29Changi and the
16:30Thai-Burma Railway
16:31have taught us anything,
16:32it's that we can't
16:32trust the British.
16:36That's why we signed
16:37the ANZUS Treaty
16:38and became
16:39America's bitch
16:39back in 1951.
16:41But today,
16:42with Donald Trump
16:43steering the
16:43great ship of state,
16:44Mr Trump
16:48steering the
16:49great ship of state
16:50like it's the
16:50Costa Concordia
16:51away from NATO
16:52and the TPP
16:53and the Paris Agreement
16:54and any rational
16:55connection with the
16:56real world,
16:57is it not time
16:58for us to look
16:58to someone else
16:59to protect us
17:00from our traditional
17:00regional enemies
17:01China,
17:02Indonesia,
17:03Timor-Leste
17:04and Queensland?
17:07It's a question we
17:08ask in an animated
17:09graphic for our
17:10new segment,
17:11Whose Bottom
17:11Should We Be Kissing Now?
17:13Whose bottom?
17:15Whose bottom?
17:16Whose bottom
17:17should we kiss it now?
17:19All right,
17:20now our...
17:22Our PM has already
17:23made it very clear
17:24that...
17:24Australia is no
17:26Deputy Sheriff
17:26to the US.
17:28Now, personally,
17:29I think Deputy Sheriff's
17:30probably pitching it
17:31a bit high.
17:32I think we're more
17:32like the toothless
17:34old lunatic
17:34who's allowed to help
17:36out occasionally
17:36when they need an
17:37airstrip or somewhere
17:38to set up a spy station.
17:40OK, so who should
17:42we hook up with?
17:43We need a country
17:44that's tough,
17:45so that's most of
17:46Europe out,
17:47has nuclear capabilities
17:48that people are scared
17:50of,
17:50that doesn't listen
17:51to China,
17:52has a leader
17:53you know is going
17:53to be around
17:53for a while
17:54and isn't Russia.
17:59Now, North Korea
18:00might seem like
18:02an unlikely ally,
18:03but it certainly
18:05doesn't have a problem
18:06with refugees,
18:07terrorism
18:08or defence funding.
18:10And we know
18:11that if there's a threat
18:12from anywhere
18:13in the middle
18:13of the Sea of Japan,
18:15they have the missiles
18:16that can definitely
18:16hit it.
18:18All right,
18:19Kim Jong-un
18:20is an insane despot
18:21with no grasp
18:22of diplomacy
18:22or regard
18:23for international
18:24protocol,
18:24but he's had
18:25a few more years
18:26at it than Donald
18:26Trump and that
18:27experience should
18:27count as up.
18:29Who's bottom?
18:30Who's bottom?
18:31Who's bottom?
18:32Should we kiss it now?
18:34To tennis now
18:35and Margaret Court
18:36has made an attempt
18:37to repair her
18:38damaged reputation
18:39by writing to
18:39John Howard
18:40and recommending
18:41outgoing Human Rights
18:42Commissioner Gillian Triggs
18:43be replaced
18:44by a good Christian
18:45because the appointment
18:46of a non-Christian
18:47candidate would damage
18:48the Liberal Party.
18:49Now, it's a welcome
18:50change of emphasis
18:51for Margaret
18:52because non-Christians
18:53who want to get
18:53into human rights
18:54is a much smaller group
18:56for her to offend
18:56and alienate
18:57than lesbians
18:57who want to get married.
19:00Tennis, as you know,
19:01is full of them.
19:05Although I wonder
19:06if people are being
19:07fair to Margaret.
19:08As you know,
19:08all this started
19:09when Casey de Lacro
19:10and her partner
19:10celebrated the birth
19:11of their child
19:12and Margaret wrote
19:13a letter to the
19:14West Australian
19:14saying,
19:15Now, I think
19:26the quotation marks
19:27around partner
19:28is a typo.
19:28There's no doubt
19:29that Casey de Lacro
19:30is her partner
19:31whether you agree
19:31with it or not.
19:32You can't qualify it.
19:33I think Margaret
19:34actually meant
19:34the quotation marks
19:35to be around
19:36a different word.
19:37Nothing.
19:38Personally,
19:38I have nothing
19:39against Casey de Lacro
19:41or her partner.
19:42That's more accurate,
19:43I think, isn't it?
19:44It makes more sense.
19:47Now, former tennis stars
19:48like Martina Narhatalova
19:49and Molly Meldrum
19:50have called for the
19:51renaming of the
19:52Margaret Court arena
19:53and I personally
19:55don't think that's necessary.
19:56I think all they have to do
19:57is change its use
19:58so that it's for
19:59mixed doubles only.
20:02Meanwhile,
20:02the Islamic Council of Victoria
20:04have asked for
20:04taxpayer-funded safe spaces
20:06where young Muslims
20:07can express themselves
20:08openly,
20:08even if those views
20:09are inflammatory.
20:11It's absolutely pointless.
20:12We already have Q&A.
20:15Now, one of the major...
20:16Tony, I have a question
20:17for the panel.
20:18I don't understand
20:19why those other countries
20:20won't let us be a part of NATO.
20:22I'm not...
20:22I'm not Tony Jones.
20:24The fact that we're
20:24nowhere near the North Atlantic
20:26is completely irrelevant.
20:27We got into Eurovision,
20:28didn't we?
20:29And you and I
20:29are no more European
20:30than the next man,
20:31assuming the next man
20:32isn't from 92%
20:33of our population.
20:34This is not a Q&A.
20:36In fact, I think
20:37Eurovision is a fine
20:37warm-up for NATO.
20:39We're inoffensive,
20:40polite,
20:40and used to being beaten.
20:42I rang Isaiah Firebrace
20:43and asked if he'd chair
20:44the next summit in Brussels
20:45and he said,
20:45oh, it's got nothing
20:46to do with me.
20:47Well, I'm afraid
20:47we have to move on now.
20:48And where can I hand this in?
20:50Well, the National Gun Amnesty
20:54is not till July 1st.
20:55Cool!
20:56I get to enjoy
20:56the illegality of this baby
20:58for another week!
21:03Well, speaking of countries
21:05which aren't Australia,
21:06here's a wrap-up
21:07of news from them.
21:08News from countries
21:09that aren't Australia.
21:10Proudly brought to you
21:11by the Julia Zamiro
21:12Weeding Wand.
21:13Let your herbicidal maniac
21:15run amok
21:16in your garden today.
21:18To Qatar first
21:19and Corey Bernardi,
21:20former Liberal Party senator
21:21turned Australian
21:22Conservative senator
21:23Gee, that's one hell
21:23of a backflip, isn't it?
21:26Has called on the ABC
21:27to stop broadcasting content
21:28from the Qatar-based
21:29Al Jazeera network.
21:31Senator Bernardi claims
21:32Al Jazeera,
21:33which is owned
21:33by the Qatari government,
21:34have been long-term
21:35propagandists
21:36for the Islamic world.
21:37So why take it off air, though, Corey?
21:39I would have thought
21:40that you would be
21:40holding up Al Jazeera
21:42as an example to the ABC
21:43of how a state-owned broadcaster
21:45could actually be
21:45a mouthpiece for the government.
21:47Anyway, if you're going
21:49to dump some programs
21:50from the ABC's schedule
21:51because they're examples
21:52of the state-sponsoring
21:53extremist behaviour,
21:54there's a few I'd put
21:55in the queue ahead
21:55of Al Jazeera.
21:57Check out how many people
21:58have died on
21:58Midsummer Murders this year.
22:01To San Francisco now,
22:03where a rare pair
22:04of early-90s
22:05Apple-branded sneakers
22:06have turned up
22:07at a garage sale
22:08and are expected
22:08to fetch up to
22:09$48,000 at auction.
22:12That's ridiculous.
22:13What idiot would pay
22:14in excess of market value
22:15for an outdated
22:16tech relic
22:17from the 1990s?
22:27Now, believe it or not,
22:29these shoes
22:29weren't Apple's
22:30first foray
22:31into clothing and apparel.
22:32Anyone remember
22:33the Macintosh?
22:33Meanwhile, the government
22:39has also announced
22:40a series of changes
22:41to the citizenship test
22:42as part of its
22:43broader commitment
22:44to confusing
22:44One Nation supporters
22:45so they vote Liberal
22:46or National again
22:47next election.
22:48Changes include...
22:50Tougher English language
22:51requirements...
22:52And...
22:52The wait for citizenship
22:53to be pushed out
22:54to four years
22:55from the current 12 months.
22:57Pauline Hanson's
22:58One Nation's
22:58Pauline Hanson
22:59managed to cover
23:00both these issues
23:00in one convenient
23:02soundbite.
23:03I'd even go as far
23:04as 10 years.
23:05So it's a start
23:05in the right direction.
23:06It's a start
23:07in the right direction
23:08is, I guess,
23:09a combination of
23:09it's a start
23:10and it's a step
23:11in the right direction.
23:11So, Miss Hanson's
23:13being very generous
23:14there giving migrants
23:1410 years
23:15to get their English
23:16up to her standard.
23:16And good news
23:26to anyone
23:26who's recently
23:27had a child.
23:27An Indian company
23:28is looking to sell
23:29human breast milk
23:30to Australia.
23:31Internationally,
23:32breast milk can fetch
23:33in the order
23:33of $300 a litre.
23:35Locally,
23:36Aussie women
23:36can get up to $1.50
23:37a litre
23:38selling it through
23:38Woolworths or Coles.
23:42Well, it's been
23:42nearly a month now
23:43and despite the fact
23:44that a great number
23:45of Americans
23:46have been attempting
23:46to give a meaning
23:47to the word
23:48kewefe
23:48by applying it
23:49to restaurant
23:50menu items,
23:51millennial t-shirts,
23:52number plates
23:53and even a new law
23:54that will prevent
23:55the president
23:55deleting such tweets
23:56in the first place.
23:58No one has yet
23:59worked out
24:00where the original
24:00word came from
24:01until now.
24:03Listen very closely
24:04to this.
24:10APPLAUSE
24:15I came up with it first, totally stole it from me.
24:22So unoriginal.
24:24And finally, uh...
24:26Oh.
24:29Eh.
24:31And finally, 18 employees of Crown Resorts
24:34have been charged in China with offences related to the promotion of gambling.
24:38Several Chinese businessmen face similar charges
24:40if they decide to invest in Network 10.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43Although, in fairness, the Chinese sink a lot of money into Australia,
24:49particularly our politicians.
24:51Senator...
24:52Senator Sam Dastyari seems, up until recently,
24:55to be the most attractive investment opportunity in terms of return.
24:59He has offered a mere culprit, but apologists for Senator Dastyari monkey,
25:03you say Sam has nothing to be sorry for.
25:06I do, Sean.
25:07I mean, yes, all right, Sam had some personal travel expenses,
25:11looked after by a Chinese university.
25:14And, yes, he had legal matter taken care of by a state-linked operation.
25:18And, sure, the Australia-China Relations Institute
25:21did pay for an afternoon tea he was throwing.
25:24And, OK, the Australian Fellowship of China,
25:27Guangdong Associations Incorporated,
25:29sprang for 15 days of accommodation and hospitality
25:32while he was in China, having flown there at their expense.
25:35And, certainly, another nine-day trip to China was undertaken by Sam,
25:39was supported by the China-Australian Guangdong Chamber of Commerce Incorporated.
25:44And, absolutely, Sam endorsed China's right to do what it wants
25:48around its artificially created islands,
25:50when it looked like Labor might not receive its promised $400,000 donation
25:54by a Chinese billionaire,
25:55another one of which Sam lobbied the Department of Immigration for
25:58regarding his citizenship.
25:59So what if, as has been found out, and he has eventually admitted,
26:03he has done all of these things?
26:05I mean, is it technically illegal?
26:07Hopefully not.
26:08Of course it looks like Sam's been compromised,
26:11but at the end of the day, isn't politics about compromise?
26:17Thank you, Maggie.
26:19You are irrepressible.
26:21In Sam's defence, it should be made clear
26:23that Sam actually gave his press conference
26:25rebutting Labor's policy on the South China Seas
26:27the day after the Chinese donor
26:29had cancelled the donation to the Labor Party.
26:31Normally, you do a political favour when someone gives you money,
26:35not when someone takes it off you.
26:36That's never going to catch on corruption-wise.
26:39Nevertheless, I have to give credit where credit's due.
26:41Scott Morrison came up with a very good nickname
26:44for Senator Dastyari, given what's happened.
26:46Sam Dastyari.
26:47Shanghai Sam, Mr Speaker.
26:49So we have Shanghai Sam...
26:51Shanghai Sam.
26:53You see, both words start with the same letter.
27:01So that's why it's clever.
27:04And funny.
27:07No, that doesn't quite work, does it?
27:09Because Sam is a sibilant S and Shanghai is a pulmonic S.
27:13But you know what he means?
27:17Shanghai Sam.
27:19Probably would have worked better on paper.
27:22Like the budget.
27:23Still to come, later in the week.
27:28With temperatures hovering around minus 40 degrees,
27:31these penguins are freezing their nuts off.
27:34If they migrated north,
27:36they would easily find a warmer, more hospitable climate.
27:39That's Sean McAuliffe's
27:41The Stupid Penguins of the Antarctic Peninsula,
27:44Saturday at 4.30.
27:45And finally, a nice story about Harold the Giraffe,
27:50who teaches schoolchildren about the dangers of taking crystal meth.
27:54A public outcry at his proposed defunding has been successful,
27:58despite a tweet of support from Bill Shorten.
28:01Harold himself could not be reached for comment,
28:03because, obviously, he's a giraffe and quite tall.
28:06Goodbye.
28:08APPLAUSE
28:08Giant baby.
28:11APPLAUSE
28:12And now,
28:20and I'm going to try to pay for this for the first time.
28:21Thank you very much,
28:21and I'll say,
28:22thank you very much for joining us.