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Honky Kong
  • 6/12/2025
Original Broadcast Date: April 11tth 2018

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TV
Transcript
00:00People of Earth, attention.
00:30Wow. Thank you.
00:39Well, what a week it's been.
00:41The US and the UK launch a missile attack on Syria.
00:44Russia's threatening retaliation.
00:46China's getting ready to annex Vanuatu and take over the Pacific.
00:49It's the perfect time for our PM to leave the country.
00:52But we're in safe hands while he's gone.
00:55Who's heard of Michael McCormick?
00:57No one. That's great.
00:58That's great, because knowing too much about your deputy PM
01:02can be a dangerous thing, as we've learned.
01:05Michael's only been deputy PM for a few weeks.
01:08He's not embarrassed himself on the political stage
01:10or said anything even mildly controversial while he's been in office.
01:13No one knows anything about him.
01:15We couldn't even find a picture of him.
01:17The nearest thing we could find was this male model
01:20in a Udunda farmer's casual shirts came along.
01:22He looks a bit like that.
01:24A combination of Mike Pence and Tommy Cooper.
01:26Anyway, our former deputy PM, Barnaby Joyce, has been very supportive.
01:32In fact, he left Michael some excellent advice.
01:35I think we have it here.
01:36Head down, pants up, mouth shut.
01:39That's a good motto.
01:41That's a good motto.
01:41So Michael's in charge while Malcolm's away in London,
01:44plotting the downfall of the Queen.
01:46But the big story this week isn't that,
01:49or that the world is on the brink of war.
01:51The big story, geopolitically speaking,
01:53is that Mark Butler is set to lose his seat
01:56because of a redrawing the electoral boundaries in South Australia.
01:59Yes, the shadow minister for climate change and energy
02:03is just one of several federal MPs
02:05who've been mildly inconvenienced by the AEC's planned redistribution.
02:09He's now got to move from Port Adelaide to Hindmarsh,
02:11which is nine kilometres away, or 13 minutes by train.
02:15Although, interestingly, and I work this out,
02:17that if Mark took the trip by a US Tomahawk cruise missile,
02:21it'd only take him 12 seconds.
02:25By contrast, though, if Mark was riding
02:27on one of those new hypersonic ballistic missiles
02:29the Chinese would be capable of launching from their base in Vanuatu,
02:32it would not only get him there four times faster,
02:35but he could take out any THAAD anti-missile system in the area.
02:38I think Christopher Pyne has one in his seat of sturt.
02:44There's Christopher getting ready to defend it
02:47in the event of an early election this year.
02:49But I don't need to sex this story up with photos of missiles
02:53and Christopher Pyne driving a tank.
02:55This whole redistribution of electoral boundaries thing
02:58is exciting enough as it is.
02:59In fact, sophologists from all around the country
03:02literally wet themselves last week when they heard the news.
03:06The, um, the...
03:07The ABC's very own Antony Green,
03:11seen here putting paid to the old adage,
03:14sophologists should be as seen and not heard
03:15as the silent P in their name,
03:18had this to say.
03:19Overall, the redistribution's quite good for Labor.
03:21Labor wins the new seat of Fraser in Western Melbourne.
03:24Man, that's calling it early.
03:27Also, the Liberal-held seat of Corangamite
03:29has also become ultra-marginal and...
03:32..it is also being renamed Cox.
03:34Which, um...
03:35Which could make for some election night awkwardness for Antony
03:38when he announces whether or not the Liberals have held Cox.
03:45And, uh...
03:46And all this and the seats, the new seats that'll be created,
03:50are very important because they're going to impact
03:51on whether or not our PM decides to call an early election.
03:55Does our PM...
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57..capitalise on the fact that he's still Prime Minister
04:00and call one,
04:01even though he's almost certain to lose that position to Bill Shorten,
04:03or does he leave it till next year
04:05and lose it in a leadership spill to Peter Dutton?
04:08LAUGHTER
04:08It's two sides to the same dire political straits
04:11that can only be crossed by swimming the Mad-as Hellespont.
04:15Hellespont! Hellespont!
04:17Swing the Mad-as Hellespont!
04:19Mad-as Hellespont!
04:21Now, the...
04:22Now, the spin put on the government's 30th consecutive news poll loss
04:26last week was that it was really only something of concern
04:29to those inside the Beltway or in the Canberra bubble.
04:32But I don't buy that,
04:33and I don't think you should be reaching for your wallet either.
04:35I think us Aussies are far more engaged in the affairs of the nation
04:39than our out-of-touch pollies living in their rent-free ivory towers
04:42owned by businessman friends think.
04:44Real journalists checked with us, and this is what we said.
04:48Sorry, I don't really care, to be honest.
04:52Well, obviously that's a government plant.
04:55There were other real voices out there yearning to be heard.
04:59I don't really care much about politics.
05:01It's all the same, really, just a different person.
05:06OK, now the rule of three means we have to do another one.
05:09Um, it doesn't matter these days
05:11because they just come and come and come
05:13and don't make any difference.
05:16Exactly.
05:17That they come and come and don't make any difference.
05:19If they come and go, it wouldn't be so much of a problem.
05:21But no, they stay on well past their use-by date.
05:24And this, too, is causing problems for our PM.
05:33The polypedal last week was about a lot more than just the opportunity to ogle the eye candy
05:38that is Tony Abbott in like it.
05:40It was also about subtext.
05:42A subtext that went far deeper than the subtle
05:45Oh, I didn't expect that to be there
05:47happenstance of the pro-coal lobby riding past a coal-fired power station.
05:52Because look at how a peloton works.
05:55Riders in a group save energy by riding close near other riders.
05:59So the peloton itself is about energy efficiency.
06:02But more than that, the peloton is an analogy
06:04for the politics of energy within the coalition
06:06because the exploitation of this potential energy saving
06:10leads to very complex cooperative and competitive interactions.
06:14Like those between Tony, Barnaby and Matt.
06:18And then, after a period of time at the front,
06:21they will manoeuvre farther back in the peloton to recover.
06:26Just like that.
06:36And then, when two or more groups of riders
06:40have reason to contest control of the peloton,
06:43several lines may form of people wanting to lead,
06:46each of them seeking to impose debilitating fatigue on the other teams.
06:52And, of course, us.
06:55But insofar as getting rid of Malcolm Turnbull is concerned as leader,
06:59I think we should remember the words of John Anderson,
07:02former Nationals Deputy Prime Minister
07:04and, according to my research, lead singer of Yes.
07:07Although, whether he voted that way in the same-sex marriage poll,
07:10I'm not sure.
07:12And, anyway, he's also concerned about the uncertainty
07:14all this political manoeuvring is causing.
07:16I fear very deeply that we're in the age of revolving leadership.
07:20And for those of you who can't imagine such a thing,
07:23this is what revolving leadership looks like.
07:25Yes, it's frightening, isn't it?
07:39But the libs and the gnats this week did show us
07:42that, as a coalition, they're not a single-issue government.
07:44They can be shambolically divided,
07:46not just on energy, but on other issues as well.
07:50Immigration.
07:51Now, the PM has emphatically denied in The Australian
07:55that Peter Dutton, the Minister for Home Affairs,
07:57Immigration and Border Protection,
07:59had suggested reducing Australia's immigration intake,
08:01saying,
08:02It is completely untrue.
08:04It is completely untrue.
08:05It is completely untrue.
08:08Thereby providing an answer for each of Mr Dutton's ministries.
08:11Now, Mr Dutton, for his part,
08:16when asked about the reported conversation
08:17between he and the Prime Minister,
08:19confirmed that discussions canvassing different options
08:21had taken place,
08:22but that he was not contradicting his leader,
08:25who you might remember had said
08:26that the discussions hadn't taken place.
08:28Mr Dutton showing that not only can he simultaneously
08:31hold a number of different portfolios in one government,
08:33he can also simultaneously hold a number
08:35of differing opinions on the one issue.
08:37Of course, Shadow Minister for Energy and Immigration,
08:41Tony Abbott,
08:42had a...
08:42LAUGHTER
08:43..had a crack at Mr Turnbull and other senior ministers
08:48for all the obfuscation about immigration
08:50and who said what to whom,
08:52accusing them of being clever with words.
08:54LAUGHTER
08:55..which is something Tony knows about only too well.
09:02No-one, however smart, however well-educated,
09:07however experienced,
09:08is the suppository of all wisdom.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:12Now...
09:13..now, not that Tony is being anti-intellectual.
09:16He also accused his colleagues of overreacting,
09:19or, as he put it,
09:20getting their knickers in a twist.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22..as seen here.
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24He does look like he's going to snap that paddle in two,
09:28like it's Tony's neck, doesn't he?
09:29And, Nick, that helped Tony also say this.
09:33Well, it's interesting that we've had
09:35both the Prime Minister and the Foreign Minister
09:37saying that there was no discussion,
09:40but now we have the relevant minister saying,
09:44yes, there was a discussion,
09:46but I'm obviously very much in the Dutton camp.
09:50As seen here.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:53APPLAUSE
09:55But people coming to our country uninvited is a big problem,
10:05whether it's to enjoy our golden soil,
10:07our welfare toil,
10:08or the fact that we're girt by sea...
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11..or whether they hate those things and want to blow them up,
10:14particularly the girt bit.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16It's an issue that affects us all.
10:17How do we stop foreigners getting in,
10:19or once they're in, how do we get them out?
10:21Well, we cross now to lowest price in the Madass helicopter,
10:24with the latest on those 13 athletes
10:26who absconded from the Commonwealth Games village last week
10:28and who are reportedly hoping to stay in Australia.
10:31Lois?
10:31Yeah, that's right, Sean.
10:32The group includes household names like
10:35Fotsala Simplis, Fuku Asini, Yombo Ulrich,
10:39Matam Olivier Heracles, Ernest Yombler,
10:41Yusuf Mansuray and Fuchi Sogbo.
10:45Yeah, Sogbo's the really surprising one to me,
10:47but authorities seem to be slow to act on this, aren't they, Lois?
10:50Yeah, Sean, several of the names would I say
10:53before are boxers.
10:54So when organisers were told that a few boxers had gone missing,
10:57they thought they meant cartons
10:58of performance-enhancing drugs or something.
11:01Yeah.
11:02Of course, more than 40 athletes overstayed their visas
11:04after the Melbourne Games in 2006, didn't they?
11:07And more than 100 athletes stayed on after the Sydney Olympics.
11:10Yeah, that's right, Sean.
11:11It's no wonder we smashed everyone in the medal tally
11:13when our entire immigration program is comprised of athletes.
11:17Yeah, it's a very good point, Lois.
11:19Yeah, thanks, Sean.
11:20Black Hutter Butter is Australia's favourite butter apart from four others.
11:23It's butter from another udder,
11:24so get a knob in your gob.
11:25I'm Lois Price from out of town.
11:28Yes, thank you very much, Lois.
11:30Lois Price there.
11:32Well, still to come later in the show,
11:33a turtle that breathes through its genitals
11:35makes the list of most endangered reptiles,
11:38whilst Sir Elton John doesn't make it onto the list
11:42of those invited to the royal wedding.
11:45Well, of course, the biggest threat to Australia at the moment
11:47is not illegal immigration or China or Russia
11:50or the redrawing of electoral boundaries,
11:52but...
11:54At least according to popular Tasmanian backbencher
12:00Senator Erica Betts,
12:01who has had quite a lot to say
12:04about her new iView show, Hijabistas,
12:07most of it on his own website,
12:08where he quotes himself saying things he would later repeat
12:10at a Senate Estimates grilling
12:12of ABC Managing Director Michelle Guthrie,
12:15where his understanding of television
12:16was visually represented by his own close-ups.
12:19Clearly inspired by German expressionist cinema
12:23of the 1920s and the work of Lenny Riefenstahl.
12:26But his point, though poorly made, is well made.
12:30Why...
12:30Why are we making a TV series celebrating the hijab
12:35when we could be making one about the mantilla?
12:38It's a question I might well put to
12:40Madad's fashionista sister, La Practimia Maroon.
12:43Oh, that is right, Sean.
12:45The mantilla is a fun and ornamental hairdress
12:49worn during weddings, Holy Week, bullfighting
12:53and when meeting the Pope.
12:55And do you think Erica Betts
12:58would approve of a show like this?
13:00Sean, I think he would love it.
13:02It's Christian.
13:03It was most popular during the 19th century.
13:06It is not hosted by Yasmin Abdul-Mageed.
13:09And I think he would look fully sick in one.
13:12Yes, it does look, uh, it does look vile in the eel there.
13:17Oh, thank you very much, La Practimia.
13:19Sweet, mate.
13:20OK.
13:21And, uh, still to come later in the week...
13:24The Mongolian leper stork
13:26is one of the ugliest birds in the world.
13:29Riddled with parasites and disease,
13:31it lives on garbage and smells.
13:34It really has nothing going for it.
13:36Even its babies are hideous.
13:37Sean McAuliffe's monstrous-looking freaks of the air,
13:42coming soon.
13:44Welcome back.
13:45Well, with the latest in what we can expect
13:46from our contestants coming up a little later in the show,
13:48here's Stephen with a sneak peek.
13:50You can say that again, Sean.
13:52So, cast...
13:52Never mind that.
13:53I built the perfect woman out of prosciutto
13:55and tomato things and other prosciutto.
13:57If she doesn't like meat,
13:58then she's got beautiful cauliflower hair
14:00and giant vegetable kebab for limbs
14:02and a hand of ladyfinger bananas
14:04to stroke my beautiful brown hair.
14:06She's got a really beautiful spirit
14:08and when we went spelunking in that volcano,
14:10I felt a real connection
14:11and reckoned she could be the one
14:12unless that pompous millionaire
14:14loudmouth bodybuilder Alfonso
14:15wins her over with his charm
14:17and pashes her in the spa again
14:18like on that video we all saw.
14:20And how do you rate your chances, Alfonso?
14:22I'm quietly confident, Stephen.
14:25I've got a tapeworm.
14:28Yes, thank you very much indeed, Stephen.
14:30Well, to the energy crisis now
14:32and if the out-of-pocket cost
14:34to the government credibility
14:35of coal and gas firepower
14:36wasn't high enough,
14:38Malcolm Turnbull's pet power project,
14:40Snowy Hydro 2.0,
14:41now has a cloud over it.
14:43And not a helpful price-reducing
14:44plume of carbon monoxide either,
14:46but instead a cloud of corruption.
14:49Yes, the chairman and several top executives
14:51of the lead contractor on Snowy 2.0
14:53are under federal police investigation
14:55for an alleged criminal conspiracy
14:57to cover up international graft.
14:59Now, I can't believe all the checks
15:01and protocols wouldn't have been done
15:03on this company before it was entrusted
15:04with $29 million of taxpayers' money
15:06for a feasibility study.
15:08Who was the Minister for Infrastructure
15:09at the time?
15:10Does anyone know?
15:10No, I can't.
15:12Anyway, look, whoever it was,
15:14I'm sure they dotted all the I's
15:16and crossed all the T's
15:17before embarking on such an important project.
15:19Sure, sure, there's a bit of paperwork involved,
15:22but as I'm sure whoever the Minister was
15:24would have been aware,
15:25due diligence is the keystone
15:27of good governance.
15:29Attention to detail,
15:30propriety,
15:31and above all,
15:31transparency.
15:40That's all right.
15:43Well, anyway,
15:44Energy Minister Joss Frydenberg
15:45says that the federal police investigation
15:47was in no way related to the work
15:49on Snowy 2.0
15:51and that the company involved
15:52was a separate company
15:53to the one being investigated.
15:55Completely separate.
15:57As you can see,
15:57one of the men being investigated,
15:59recently sacked CEO Andrew Goodwin,
16:01is standing at least a full metre away
16:03from Martin Turnbull
16:04at the Snowy 2.0 announcement last year.
16:07But to be fair,
16:08it is a completely separate company,
16:10and just because two companies share some members
16:12doesn't mean we should think any less
16:14of the untainted company.
16:15It's a bit like government.
16:16Just because they're made up
16:17of the National Party
16:18and the Liberal Party
16:18doesn't mean that anything
16:19someone from one party does
16:21impacts in any way
16:22on the work the other party
16:23is trying to do.
16:24Anyway, later on,
16:25I'll be talking...
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Later on,
16:30I'll be talking to someone
16:31about how much easier it was
16:33to build Snowy Hydro 1.0
16:35in 1949.
16:38Sean, as you said in your intro,
16:40it was much easier for us
16:41when we built the Snowy Hydro Scheme
16:43the first time around.
16:44You could get your cheap foreign labour
16:45up the gangplank
16:46and onto the boat for £10,
16:48and in return,
16:49they got to do years
16:50of back-breaking work
16:51and endure our lovable
16:52Larrikan spirit and racism.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55Surely it would be easier now.
16:57Refugees are so desperate
16:58they're coming over in their own boats,
16:59so they're happy to be exploited
17:01and you'd save yourself £10.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03You're right, Sean.
17:08H.W., get me Peter Dutton
17:10on the telephone right away.
17:11Tell him you're a South African au pair.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15Better I see him in person.
17:18I won't be long.
17:19Yes.
17:20This is my son, H.W.,
17:21and while I'm gone,
17:23I want him to have this milkshake.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27And you know what I want him to do
17:30with this milkshake.
17:31Yes, yes.
17:31Put it in the fridge for later.
17:33No.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35I want him
17:37to drink it up!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:40All right, all right, all right.
17:42Your dad wants you to drink it up.
17:45APPLAUSE
17:46Is he nice?
17:50Is he nice?
17:51Is he nice, father?
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53You'd better drink that up.
17:55LAUGHTER
17:56Well, it's breaking news now
18:04and three drivers,
18:05who are also at times pedestrians,
18:07have been injured
18:09and their car's written off
18:10after a giant sinkhole
18:11opened up in a suburban street
18:13in Kensington.
18:14Bavina Jigswax is on the spot.
18:15Bavina, watch the poop.
18:17That's right, Sean.
18:18Well, Palmerston Machete
18:19is a local resident
18:20and witnessed the incident.
18:22Palmerston, describe what happened.
18:24Yeah, well, I just turned
18:25the vacuum cleaner on,
18:26I was removing my trousers
18:27when I heard this deep, rumbling sound.
18:30Nothing to do with removing your trousers?
18:33No.
18:33So I went outside
18:34and there was this huge hole
18:35in the middle of the road
18:36and these three cars,
18:37one after another,
18:38just drove straight into it
18:39and there were horns going off
18:40and people screaming and smoke
18:42and steam and flames
18:43coming out of the car.
18:44Can I just check,
18:45how'd you put your trousers
18:46back on at this point?
18:47Yeah, but I'd never seen anything like it.
18:49You know, it was like a scene from a movie.
18:51Which movie?
18:52Oh, I don't know which one.
18:55Well, Nine to Five, Lolita.
18:57No, no, no, no.
18:58A movie about a sinkhole?
19:00Yeah.
19:00There's never been a movie made
19:02about a sinkhole?
19:03No.
19:03So it was like a scene from a movie
19:05that's never been made?
19:06Well, it's not my fault.
19:07They don't ask me
19:08what sort of films they should make.
19:09Well, if they did,
19:10you would have told them
19:11to make a film about a sinkhole?
19:12Yeah.
19:13Right.
19:14Because you knew
19:14there was going to be a sinkhole
19:16for you to refer to
19:17by saying that sinkhole
19:18looks like a scene
19:19from the film Sinkhole.
19:20What?
19:21I'm on with me, boy, sir.
19:22Hey.
19:23Ow.
19:25Bivina Jiswax, mad as.
19:28Thank you, Bivina.
19:29Well, coming up,
19:30a Channel 9 news interview
19:31that scooped the rest of the country.
19:33Do you like cheese?
19:33I love cheese.
19:34What do you like about it?
19:36Everything.
19:36And if you'd like to see
19:42more of that interview,
19:43please consult
19:44a mental health practitioner.
19:46And also coming up,
19:48our Commonwealth Games recap.
19:49How good were we in the swimming?
19:51Australia's swimmers say
19:52this has been a wonderful campaign
19:54and have thanked supporters
19:56for turning up
19:57to watch them on home soil.
20:02Home soil?
20:03Well, I didn't see the games
20:05this year,
20:05but I think it's terrible
20:06that we make our swimmers
20:07compete on dry land.
20:10I blame the
20:11Murray-Darling Basin Authority.
20:14Speaking of sport,
20:15Maggie's up next with sport,
20:16but first, sport.
20:22Well, Mags,
20:2380 gold medals,
20:24198 medals in total.
20:25We didn't want
20:26these Commonwealth Games
20:27to end, did we?
20:28Yeah, well, not until
20:29we saw the closing ceremony, Sean,
20:30and listened to those
20:31seven speeches.
20:33Lessons learned.
20:34Yeah, next time
20:35we schedule the javelin
20:36to coincide with Peter Beattie
20:37stepping up to the market.
20:39Thanks a lot, Mags.
20:41Well, just an update
20:42on that Alan Rascal
20:43cheese story.
20:44You can't believe it.
20:47Now, Alan,
20:48if you're going to do a pun,
20:49you need to make sure
20:50the word you're using
20:51sounds like the word
20:52you're replacing.
20:53For example,
20:54cheeses and Jesus
20:54sound similar,
20:55so there's a kind of a joke there.
20:57It's not one that I personally
20:58would say out of loud,
20:59but a perfectly serviceable pun
21:00for a shoulder box caption.
21:02Cheddar and better
21:03are two almost
21:04completely different words.
21:06Butter and better
21:06sound the same.
21:07That would have worked
21:08if the story was about
21:09dairy products generally.
21:12Gouda on you
21:13would have worked
21:13as a sign-off.
21:15And you could have worn
21:16a Sherlock Holmes hat
21:17and said,
21:18Emmentali,
21:18my dear Watson.
21:21Even you fetter believe it
21:22would have been closer.
21:24But who am I
21:25to give unsolicited advice
21:26on comedy
21:27when we have in this country
21:28a man who makes
21:29Oscar Wilde,
21:30George Bernard Shaw
21:30and Alexander Pope
21:31look like they host
21:32the footy show?
21:33Yes,
21:34I'm talking about
21:35Bill Shorten.
21:36Now,
21:36who would like to hear
21:38a Bill Zinger?
21:39Does anybody
21:40interested in that?
21:44A couple of you,
21:44OK.
21:45OK,
21:45well,
21:45first a bit of background
21:46on this one.
21:46Firstly,
21:47it was provoked.
21:48Peter Dutton,
21:49a young up-and-coming
21:50comic from Queensland,
21:52threw down
21:53this comedy atom bomb.
21:54This leader of the opposition
21:55can't lie straight
21:56in bed.
22:01Oh,
22:01no,
22:02he peed
22:02that he didn't.
22:05Yeah,
22:06the shizzle
22:07just got rizzled,
22:08you know what I'm saying?
22:10Woo!
22:15But Bill
22:16picked himself off,
22:17dusted the rubble
22:18off his shoulder,
22:18oh,
22:19yeah,
22:19and took aim
22:21at not only Peter Dutton,
22:22but the whole
22:23freaking cabinet.
22:24Prepare to have
22:25your mind blown,
22:26mofos.
22:27I think if you now
22:28look at who would
22:29win the gold medal
22:30of disunity,
22:31it would be
22:31the Coalition.
22:36Woo!
22:37Hot damn,
22:38girl!
22:38That's what I'm
22:38talking about!
22:39Yeah!
22:40A topic on
22:41Commonwealth Games
22:42referencing hot lava
22:43burn,
22:43Holmes!
22:44Yeah!
22:44Yeah!
22:44Yeah!
22:44Yeah!
22:45Yeah!
22:45Yeah!
22:46Yeah!
22:46Yeah!
22:46Yeah!
22:47Yeah!
22:47Yeah!
22:47Yeah!
22:47Yeah!
22:47Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:48Yeah!
22:49Yeah!
22:49Yeah!
22:50Yeah!
22:50Yeah!
22:54But now this!
23:06Available now on ABC
23:08iView, the complete season
23:10of Master Surgeon.
23:12But the best surgery today
23:14was performed by...
23:19Mr. Thrillfall.
23:27Mr. Thrillfall, your instruments were perfectly sterilized and your incisions were absolutely
23:43beautiful.
23:46I mean, for me, someone with no medical qualifications or any qualifications, just to compete against
23:53a real surgeon is something I will never forget.
23:57of course, if you have been prescribed for me, you will find a gut support to stay and of course
23:59to avoid Golden Staff.
24:00You nicked a main artery.
24:03And you didn't get the clamp on quickly enough.
24:09As a consequence, you've presented us with a patient who is dead.
24:15Yeah.
24:20You will now need immunity to stay.
24:23And, of course, to avoid golden staph.
24:26Welcome back.
24:33Researchers from almost 30 countries are boycotting a South Korean university
24:37after fears that their AI program could lead to killer robots.
24:42Australia hasn't signed the boycott on AI development,
24:45instead inquiring if the team could make a robot
24:47that can bat at number four for the next 12 months.
24:51But the bigger question is,
24:52will robots be able to look after our aged parents?
24:56Christ, I certainly hope so.
24:58Sabbath week has more.
25:01This woman is old.
25:04Her name, as with so much about her, is unimportant.
25:08Let's call her Ellen Cribbage,
25:10formerly of 123 Winston Avenue, Deer Park.
25:14Widowed at 85,
25:16she has gone what doctors call bananas.
25:18And her children have put her in this stoat of the fart nursing facility.
25:23Ankle Zagat,
25:24Bananarama Bull and Millipede 40,
25:27not their real names,
25:28have agreed that their mother be looked after by a robot
25:31to test the viability of techno-geriatric care
25:34and to reduce what they have to pay per month to keep her there.
25:37I mean, we would happily visit mum if we had the inclination,
25:41but it's just too much bother.
25:43What was a pals of attorney already signed
25:45and our lack of interest in anything that doesn't immediately benefit us?
25:49Exactly.
25:49She's much better off being looked after
25:51by a cold, unfeeling, automated simulacrum of humanity
25:54that she, in her adult state,
25:57can misinterpret as genuine contact with a loved one.
26:00It's win-win for everyone.
26:03Ellen does seem to be happy,
26:04although in moments of lucidity she does scream uncontrollably.
26:08Fortunately, though,
26:09her kids have been thoughtful enough
26:10to give us permission to administer opiates,
26:12which even out her ability,
26:13slash inability, to comprehend reality.
26:17Do you do that yourself?
26:19No, I'm not qualified to inject the customers.
26:22And that's how we like to think of them here,
26:24rather than as patients.
26:25But as chief engineer here at the facility,
26:27obviously I can program the robots
26:29to do that on our behalf.
26:31Nothing too excessive in terms of dosage.
26:33You get them too relaxed
26:34and that's an extra shift for the sanitation bots,
26:36which we can't charge for.
26:38Just enough to keep them in a disorientating fog
26:42and out of trouble.
26:43And, of course, addicted,
26:44so that they welcome the hit,
26:45rather than try and fight off the robots
26:48as they're trying to pin them down
26:49to insert the needle into their neck or their spine or whatever.
26:53As I said, I'm not a doctor.
26:54I just punch the algorithm into the computer
26:56and press the attack key.
26:58Note number 732 has given us very little trouble,
27:01haven't you, dear?
27:02You like the robot, don't you?
27:05Oh, yes, yes.
27:07Ellen's much-loved Italian greyhound
27:09sadly passed away just before she moved into the home,
27:13as pets are not allowed.
27:14Come on, boy!
27:15She was, however, permitted to fix Claudio's pelt
27:19onto her robot as a type of sparring.
27:21Oh, if it gives her pleasure to stroke it
27:23before she goes to sleep at night,
27:24I personally don't have a problem with that.
27:26Plus, it doesn't cost us anything extra.
27:28She loved that old dog.
27:30How did he die?
27:32As humanely as possible.
27:34I mean, life's all about compromise, isn't it?
27:37We all want to see out our final years
27:39with some sort of dignity.
27:40I wanted to be a millionaire by the time I was 30.
27:43It's one thing or the other.
27:44You can't have both.
27:45But nothing will replace the warmth of actual human contact.
27:49So every year or two, as close as they can to Mother's Day,
27:53Ellen's children all appear in her room
27:55via the magic of a Skype screen
27:57embedded in Claudio's chest.
27:59Seven, six!
28:00Oh, yes.
28:01Yes, it's the feud, Spike, yes.
28:08Mmm.
28:09Mmm.
28:10Mmm, bit mean.
28:13Mmm.
28:14Well, not coming up because Sando's on in a minute.
28:17Look, Mama, I'm on the choo-choo train.
28:21My kitchen rules.
28:23Pity I don't.
28:25And boy stuck in L.A.'s sewer pipe for 12 hours
28:28says it was still better than watching Bachelor in Paradise.
28:31And finally, the Murdoch Press, despite sounding like a wrestling hold,
28:36is like the Wurlitzer Opus, a powerful organ.
28:42And whenever I access that organ to read about how the ABC is hurting it digitally,
28:46I've noticed that the phrase that always precedes ABC is taxpayer funded.
28:50And I think the ABC could appease a lot of its critics
28:52if it simply wasn't taxpayer funded.
28:54And so I propose that instead the ABC be funded by those who don't pay tax.
28:59Like these companies here.
29:00None of whom paid any corporate tax last financial year.
29:05So, um...
29:06So just $100 million from each of these businesses
29:09is all we need to shake off the taxpayer-funded tag
29:12that's annoying News Corp so much.
29:14Send your cheques personally to me.
29:17Care of the address on your screen.
29:19Goodbye.
29:20APPLAUSE