- yesterday
Chris Rock takes the stage in Brooklyn for a comedy special filled with searing observations on fatherhood, infidelity and American politics.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01:29Here's my question.
00:01:35You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good.
00:01:44You would think that every couple of months they'd look at their dead nigger calendar and go, oh my God, we're up to 16.
00:01:55We've got to shoot a white kid quick.
00:01:59Which one?
00:02:00The first one you see singing Cardi B.
00:02:02That's right.
00:02:07I mean, honestly, I want to live in a world with real equality.
00:02:12I want to live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month.
00:02:20An equal world.
00:02:21I want to see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton, talking about we need justice for Chad.
00:02:36We need justice for Chad.
00:02:40He was just coming home from racquetball practice.
00:02:44I know some people are like, come on, Chris, man.
00:02:49You go too hard on the cops, man.
00:02:51You're a celebrity.
00:02:53I'm sure they let you go.
00:02:54I'm sure they're nice to you, man.
00:02:55You're a celebrity.
00:02:57Yeah, I'm famous, you know.
00:02:59But I'm not like Michael Jackson famous.
00:03:02I'm not famous from miles away.
00:03:09Like, my fame kicks in right about here.
00:03:14You know?
00:03:15When the cops see me walking down the street, they're like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga.
00:03:20Hey, that's Chris Rock.
00:03:21Man, you are funny, man.
00:03:26I love Pootie Tang, man.
00:03:33It's weird, man.
00:03:34It's weird, you know, this whole thing with the cops, man.
00:03:36Because, you know, as a black man, you have a, you know, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man.
00:03:44Like, on one hand, I'm a black man, so I'm like, fuck the police.
00:03:48And on the other hand, I own property.
00:03:57You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I'm not calling the Crips.
00:04:04Uh, yo, Crips.
00:04:07Can you send a little JJ down?
00:04:09Oh, he's here already.
00:04:11My bad, my bad.
00:04:17I mean, here's the thing with the cops, though.
00:04:19I mean, being a cop's a hard job, man.
00:04:22It's a hard fucking job, man.
00:04:24I mean, honestly, I don't think they pay cops enough.
00:04:28I don't think they pay police enough.
00:04:32But here's the thing, man.
00:04:42Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man, they always say the same things, man.
00:04:48They always say the same thing.
00:04:49It's like, well, it's not most cops.
00:04:51It's just a few bad apples.
00:04:53It's just a few bad apples.
00:04:57Bad apple.
00:04:59That's a lovely name for murder.
00:05:03I was like, how'd they get that one?
00:05:05Bad apple.
00:05:05That almost sounds nice.
00:05:08I mean, I've had a bad apple.
00:05:11It was tart.
00:05:14But it didn't choke me out.
00:05:19Here's the thing.
00:05:20Here's the thing.
00:05:21I know it's hard being a cop.
00:05:22I know it's hard.
00:05:23I know that shit's dangerous.
00:05:25I know it is, okay?
00:05:27But some jobs can't have bad apples.
00:05:32Okay?
00:05:33Some jobs, everybody got to be good.
00:05:37Like pilots.
00:05:42You know?
00:05:44American Airlines can't be like, you know, most of our pilots like to land.
00:05:49We just got a few bad apples that like to crash in the mountains.
00:05:56America's insane, man.
00:06:04We got cops shooting motherfuckers, man.
00:06:08You know, we got cop problems.
00:06:10We got to gun problems.
00:06:12We got to gun problems.
00:06:12This gun shit ain't going nowhere.
00:06:14Okay?
00:06:14It's like gun control.
00:06:16There ain't never going to be no gun control.
00:06:18Okay?
00:06:18You talk about it too long and you will get shot.
00:06:23They will shoot your ass, okay?
00:06:26That's right.
00:06:27They never, ever change in the gun laws.
00:06:30Because Americans need the right to hunt.
00:06:33They need to hunt.
00:06:34It's like, really?
00:06:35Hunting's that fucking important?
00:06:38I mean, I've been hunting.
00:06:40I've been hunting.
00:06:40I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina.
00:06:44Went hunting with my grandfather.
00:06:46I shot a rabbit.
00:06:49I cried.
00:06:54He called me a faggot.
00:07:02And he's a preacher.
00:07:05They will shoot a hundred people in Vegas, okay?
00:07:12And somebody will come on TV, you know, and they'll just talk like,
00:07:16Hey, you know, guns don't kill people.
00:07:19People kill people.
00:07:21As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife,
00:07:28he could have stabbed a hundred people to death.
00:07:32Could have stabbed a hundred people?
00:07:35Yo, check this out.
00:07:37Check this out.
00:07:38If a hundred people ever got stabbed at the same time,
00:07:45in the same place, by the same person,
00:07:50you know what that would mean?
00:07:53Ninety-seven people deserve to die.
00:08:04What, you just watching this shit?
00:08:06Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.
00:08:10Ooh, they stabbed somebody out.
00:08:13Ooh, he stabbed somebody out.
00:08:15Ooh, he's getting closer.
00:08:19Ooh, he stabbed me.
00:08:20I didn't see that coming.
00:08:24Oh, he stabbed a lady behind me.
00:08:26He's a stabbing fool.
00:08:29Yes, that's why they call him stabbing.
00:08:31Yo, it is so good to be here right now.
00:08:37I'm glad to be back.
00:08:38Here's the weird thing.
00:08:39I've been so busy, man.
00:08:47I've been busy.
00:08:47People are like, where you been?
00:08:48I've been busy, man.
00:08:49Just trying to raise some kids.
00:08:51That shit's a job.
00:08:52Now, my oldest daughter just started high school.
00:08:57Just started high school.
00:08:58Lola just started high school.
00:08:59And I, yep, kept her off the pole.
00:09:01And, uh...
00:09:02Kept her off the pole.
00:09:07You know, she danced a little too hard to Migos,
00:09:09but we working on it, you know?
00:09:12She just started high school,
00:09:13and I had to take her to a freshman orientation.
00:09:17You ever go to a freshman orientation?
00:09:17It's the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids.
00:09:22You know, because you sit in an auditorium quite like this
00:09:25with, you know, a couple thousand kids,
00:09:28and people come up and you speak and just lie to children.
00:09:33That's all that happens all day
00:09:35is people come up and lie to children about the future.
00:09:40And I'm sitting there, and this lady comes up and goes,
00:09:43I want you children to know you can be anything you want to be.
00:09:47You can be absolutely anything you want to be.
00:09:52I'm like, lady, why are you lying to these children?
00:09:56Maybe four of them could be anything they want to be.
00:10:01But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.
00:10:08Shit.
00:10:08I'm looking at these kids right now.
00:10:10I count at least 60 Uber drivers.
00:10:17They could be anything they want to be.
00:10:20Shut the fuck up.
00:10:22Really?
00:10:22They could be anything they want to be?
00:10:24Then how come you're a vice principal?
00:10:28Was that the dream?
00:10:30Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid?
00:10:35Put your little vice principal hat on?
00:10:39Tell the kids the truth.
00:10:42Tell the kids the fucking truth.
00:10:44Say, hey, kids, check this out.
00:10:46Check this out.
00:10:47You could be anything you're good at
00:10:49as long as they're hiring.
00:10:53And even then, it helps to know somebody.
00:11:06So I'm sitting there.
00:11:07I'm in school, and I'm watching this shit.
00:11:10And it dawned on me
00:11:11that this orientation wasn't right.
00:11:16Because I got black kids, man.
00:11:18And I'm sitting there.
00:11:20I'm like, I don't think this is right.
00:11:21I think they need separate orientations.
00:11:26I think they need a black orientation,
00:11:28white, gay, straight, whatever.
00:11:31Because the black kids,
00:11:32you're getting ready to face a whole other world.
00:11:37I got black kids.
00:11:38I got to get them ready for the white man.
00:11:41I got to get them ready for America, man.
00:11:44You know?
00:11:45That's right.
00:11:46I mean, not the white man that's here tonight.
00:11:48You guys are.
00:11:48Y'all cool.
00:11:52Every one of you,
00:11:53I want you to know
00:11:54every dime you spent tonight
00:11:55is going towards
00:11:56putting little black girls
00:11:57through private school.
00:12:06Anybody ask you what you did tonight,
00:12:07you go,
00:12:08I made a difference.
00:12:09But so I'm at school,
00:12:18and I'm like,
00:12:18yo,
00:12:19I think we need separate orientations.
00:12:22Because you got to get your kids ready
00:12:24for the white man.
00:12:25If you not,
00:12:26then you're fucking up as a parent.
00:12:28Okay?
00:12:29I've been getting my kids ready
00:12:30for the white man
00:12:31since they was born.
00:12:33Okay?
00:12:34But even before they was born,
00:12:35I've been preparing them
00:12:36for the white man.
00:12:37Yeah.
00:12:38That's right.
00:12:39In my house,
00:12:39we don't have fire drills.
00:12:43We have whiter drills.
00:12:46So ever since my kids were born,
00:12:49I've been getting them ready
00:12:50for the white man.
00:12:51So everything in my house
00:12:54that's the color white
00:12:56is either hot,
00:12:59heavy,
00:12:59or sharp.
00:13:07So my kids know
00:13:08when they deal with anything white,
00:13:10they got to think about that shit.
00:13:18They got to contemplate this shit.
00:13:21Ooh,
00:13:22this napkin.
00:13:23Okay.
00:13:24Should I wipe my mouth with it?
00:13:27Or is that what
00:13:28Whitey wants me to do?
00:13:32Ever since they was born,
00:13:34everything in my house,
00:13:35hot,
00:13:36heavy,
00:13:36or sharp,
00:13:37they sit on a white toilet seat,
00:13:39burn ass.
00:13:43Daddy,
00:13:43my ass is burning.
00:13:44It's white,
00:13:45motherfucker.
00:13:46It's white.
00:13:48That's what Whitey do.
00:13:49You burn your fucking ass.
00:13:55Pay attention.
00:14:03Shit,
00:14:03when they was little girls,
00:14:05their white onesie
00:14:06weighed 150 pounds.
00:14:11Daddy.
00:14:13Daddy.
00:14:14It's so heavy.
00:14:17It's so heavy.
00:14:19This hurts.
00:14:20I can't even stand.
00:14:22I can't even stand.
00:14:24It's white,
00:14:24motherfucker.
00:14:25It's white.
00:14:26That's what Whitey do.
00:14:28He break your back.
00:14:29At their birthday party,
00:14:39I gave them vanilla ice cream
00:14:40with glass in it.
00:14:50Daddy,
00:14:50my tongue's bleeding.
00:14:53Should've got chocolate.
00:14:54And I go hard.
00:15:06I got girls,
00:15:07and I go hard.
00:15:09So if you got a black son,
00:15:11shit,
00:15:11you gotta just punch him
00:15:12in the face.
00:15:16So as soon as he wakes up
00:15:17in the morning,
00:15:18it's like,
00:15:18morning,
00:15:19nigga.
00:15:19Pow.
00:15:20Pow.
00:15:20Pow.
00:15:20Pow.
00:15:20Pow.
00:15:20Pow.
00:15:21Pow.
00:15:21Pow.
00:15:22Pow.
00:15:22Pow.
00:15:22Pow.
00:15:23Pow.
00:15:23Pow.
00:15:25That's right.
00:15:26If you don't punch
00:15:26your black son
00:15:27in the face,
00:15:28that's child abuse.
00:15:32It's rough out there
00:15:34for a black boy.
00:15:35Well,
00:15:35it's rough.
00:15:36That's right.
00:15:37That's right.
00:15:38Some people say
00:15:39young black men
00:15:40are an endangered species.
00:15:42But that's not true.
00:15:44Because endangered species
00:15:46are protected
00:15:46by the government.
00:15:47That's right.
00:15:48That's right.
00:15:49That's right.
00:15:49That's right.
00:15:50Some people say
00:15:51young black men
00:15:52are an endangered species.
00:15:54So you got to punch
00:15:58your black son
00:15:59in the fucking face.
00:16:01You understand me?
00:16:02Hard.
00:16:04Yeah,
00:16:04I said it.
00:16:06On Netflix,
00:16:07I said that shit.
00:16:09Do you understand?
00:16:11It's important
00:16:11that your black son
00:16:12follow your instructions.
00:16:14It's the difference
00:16:15between life
00:16:16and death.
00:16:17Okay?
00:16:18Okay?
00:16:19Yeah.
00:16:20Yeah.
00:16:20Because we got
00:16:20a crazy justice system
00:16:22out here, man.
00:16:23So we got a justice system
00:16:24for Rick for Paul,
00:16:25for black for white.
00:16:25We live in a country
00:16:26where two people
00:16:28can do the exact same crime
00:16:30in the exact same place
00:16:32at the exact same time
00:16:33and get a different sentence.
00:16:36Only in America.
00:16:37We got to change
00:16:38this justice system.
00:16:39Yo,
00:16:39the American justice system
00:16:41should be like Walmart.
00:16:44Should be just like Walmart.
00:16:47It's like,
00:16:47hey,
00:16:48if you can find
00:16:49a lighter sentence,
00:16:50we'll match it.
00:16:51So I'm at the school,
00:17:00I'm at the school,
00:17:01and the lady comes back out.
00:17:04She goes,
00:17:04I want you to know
00:17:05that the school
00:17:06has absolutely no bullies.
00:17:08We have a no bully policy.
00:17:11We don't,
00:17:11we don't,
00:17:11we don't permit bullying.
00:17:13Any bullies
00:17:14will be kicked out
00:17:15of school immediately.
00:17:17And right then,
00:17:19I wanted to take
00:17:20my daughter out of school.
00:17:22It's like,
00:17:23what kind of
00:17:24half-assed education
00:17:25is this?
00:17:28I mean,
00:17:28school is supposed
00:17:30to prepare you
00:17:31for life.
00:17:33Life has assholes.
00:17:36And you should learn
00:17:38how to deal with them
00:17:39as soon as possible.
00:17:42God forbid you wait
00:17:43till you're 30
00:17:44to find out
00:17:45people ain't shit.
00:17:50That's a lesson you need.
00:17:51quick!
00:17:53That's right.
00:17:54Well, I mean,
00:17:54one of the problems
00:17:55with the world
00:17:56is we got too many people
00:17:58telling their kids
00:17:59how special they are.
00:18:01These souped-up kids
00:18:02walking the streets today
00:18:04thinking they're
00:18:05fucking special.
00:18:06I'm walking down the street
00:18:07and there's always some kid,
00:18:08hey, good work, Chris.
00:18:10Really funny, Chris.
00:18:12Love your work.
00:18:13I'm like,
00:18:13it's Mr. Rock, bitch.
00:18:21Stop telling your kids
00:18:23that they special.
00:18:24Maybe they special to you,
00:18:26but not to me.
00:18:29I don't play that shit.
00:18:31Every day before my kids
00:18:32leave for school,
00:18:34I get them at the door,
00:18:35I'm like,
00:18:35Lola's all right,
00:18:36check this out.
00:18:37Soon as you leave this door,
00:18:38nobody gives a fuck about you.
00:18:42Nobody in the whole world
00:18:44gives a fuck about you.
00:18:46Nobody thinks you're cute.
00:18:47Nobody thinks you're smart.
00:18:49Nobody gives a fuck
00:18:50about your opinion.
00:18:51Nobody on the whole earth
00:18:54outside of this door
00:18:56gives a fuck about you.
00:18:58Nobody.
00:19:03And even some of the people
00:19:04inside the house
00:19:06are a little on the fence.
00:19:14We need bullies.
00:19:16How the fuck are you going to have
00:19:17a school with no bullies?
00:19:19Bullies do half the work.
00:19:22That's right.
00:19:23Teachers do one half.
00:19:24Bullies do the whole other half.
00:19:27And that's the half
00:19:28you're going to use
00:19:29as a fucking grown-up.
00:19:31That's right.
00:19:32Who gives a fuck
00:19:33if you can code
00:19:34if you start crying
00:19:38because your boss
00:19:39didn't say hi?
00:19:40You're a fucking weak bitch.
00:19:47Get the fuck away from me.
00:19:50You think kids were nice
00:19:52to Bill Gates
00:19:53in high school?
00:19:55Hey, Gates,
00:19:56you Charlie Brown-looking
00:19:57motherfucker.
00:19:59Fuck you, Gates,
00:20:01you four-eyed bitch.
00:20:03Fuck you and your windows,
00:20:05you gate-toothed motherfucker.
00:20:07I'm going to smack the shit
00:20:10out of your fucking gate.
00:20:12Gate, motherfucker.
00:20:14You can't get in the gate, Gates.
00:20:19You think kids were nice
00:20:21to Mark Zuckerberg
00:20:23in high school?
00:20:24Hey, Zuckerfuck.
00:20:28Zuckerfucker mother,
00:20:30Zucker mother,
00:20:31Zuck, Zucker mother,
00:20:32Zuck, suck my nutser, Zucker.
00:20:35Mother Zucker, mother.
00:20:36Zuck, Zucker mother.
00:20:38Check him, mother,
00:20:39mother Zucker.
00:20:44Shit, he invented Facebook
00:20:45after somebody smacked him
00:20:47in the face with a book.
00:20:52He invented Facebook
00:20:53just to get friends.
00:20:55We need bullies.
00:20:59Shit, pressure makes diamonds.
00:21:03Not hugs.
00:21:06Hug a piece of coal
00:21:08and watch what you get.
00:21:10You get a dirty shirt.
00:21:14I'm telling you,
00:21:16we need fucking bullies.
00:21:18That's why there's so many
00:21:19fat kids in school right now.
00:21:22Because there's nobody
00:21:23to take their lunch money.
00:21:32You know what they buy
00:21:33with all that money?
00:21:35Seconds.
00:21:38We need bullies, man.
00:21:41I hate when people go,
00:21:43well, you know what?
00:21:43Cyber bullying's worse.
00:21:45Shut up.
00:21:47I never heard of anybody
00:21:48getting cyber kicked
00:21:49down a flight of stairs.
00:21:53I never heard of anybody
00:21:53getting a cyber bag
00:21:55of piss thrown at them.
00:21:58We need fucking bullies.
00:22:00Shit, that's how
00:22:00Trump became president.
00:22:03That's exactly what happened.
00:22:05We got rid of bullies,
00:22:07a real bully showed up,
00:22:09and nobody knew
00:22:11how to handle it.
00:22:11shit.
00:22:21Shit.
00:22:23The cast of The Apprentice
00:22:25is running the world.
00:22:31Trump, the daughter,
00:22:32Omarosa.
00:22:34They run the world, man.
00:22:38Yo, man,
00:22:39this shit is crazy.
00:22:42You know,
00:22:42a lot of people are like,
00:22:43well, Trump is a bad person,
00:22:45and he gonna get his.
00:22:46You know,
00:22:47some people never get theirs.
00:22:52Some people just fail up.
00:22:55You know,
00:22:55people are like,
00:22:56well, you know,
00:22:57what goes around
00:22:58comes around.
00:22:59No, no.
00:22:59Sometimes it just keeps
00:23:03going around.
00:23:07Ain't nothing gonna happen
00:23:09to Trump, man.
00:23:11Nothing's gonna happen
00:23:11to Trump.
00:23:12Here's the crazy thing.
00:23:14It might just work out.
00:23:16Trump might work out.
00:23:19Yeah, I said it.
00:23:21Trump might work out.
00:23:22I mean, think about it this way.
00:23:23Bush was so bad,
00:23:27he gave us Obama.
00:23:30You forget that shit,
00:23:32don't you?
00:23:33Bush was so bad
00:23:34that people said,
00:23:35hey, maybe this black guy
00:23:36has the answers.
00:23:42I think people overlook
00:23:44George Bush's contributions
00:23:46to black history.
00:23:47George Bush is a black
00:23:56revolutionary.
00:23:58Malcolm X,
00:23:59Rosa Parks,
00:24:01George Bush.
00:24:04They need to honor him
00:24:05at the Essence Festival.
00:24:13It might work out, man.
00:24:15Think about it.
00:24:16Bush was so bad,
00:24:17he gave us Obama.
00:24:21He said,
00:24:21Trump's so bad,
00:24:23he gonna give us Jesus.
00:24:30Jesus, what you doing here?
00:24:31You seeing Trump?
00:24:33This shit is serious.
00:24:37Oh, man.
00:24:41Jesus.
00:24:42I'm trying to get
00:24:42my life together, man.
00:24:44I'm trying to get
00:24:44a little religion in my life.
00:24:46Just a little.
00:24:49Just a little.
00:24:52Because religion's
00:24:53kind of like salt.
00:24:57A sprinkle's good,
00:24:59but too much
00:25:00will fuck up the meal.
00:25:03I mean,
00:25:03I'm basically trying
00:25:05to find God
00:25:06before God finds me.
00:25:08but God never finds you
00:25:15at a good time.
00:25:16You never sitting
00:25:17courtside
00:25:18at a Knick game
00:25:19getting a hand job
00:25:21from Halle Berry
00:25:21and God shows up.
00:25:24God shows up.
00:25:24Ah,
00:25:24she strokes a good dick,
00:25:25don't she?
00:25:27I made her.
00:25:28I made you dick, too.
00:25:30Enjoy the game.
00:25:35God never shows up
00:25:36at those times.
00:25:38No,
00:25:38God shows up
00:25:39after you've been
00:25:40raped in jail.
00:25:41And you're in jail
00:25:46for parking tickets.
00:25:47Now,
00:25:55if you're in jail
00:25:56for murder
00:25:57and somebody's
00:25:59raping you,
00:25:59you're like,
00:26:00okay,
00:26:00I guess this is what
00:26:01I deserve.
00:26:02I did kill somebody.
00:26:05Now somebody's
00:26:06killing my ass.
00:26:09Rape on.
00:26:13But if you're in jail
00:26:15for parking tickets
00:26:16and somebody's
00:26:18fucking you
00:26:19and your ass,
00:26:21you're like,
00:26:22I should have
00:26:23moved that car.
00:26:32What was I thinking?
00:26:34I thought it was
00:26:35Good Friday.
00:26:37They keep moving
00:26:38Easter.
00:26:42Trying to find God
00:26:43before God finds me.
00:26:45You know,
00:26:46a lot of religion
00:26:46in the news, man.
00:26:48If you ever watch
00:26:49the news,
00:26:49it's always like,
00:26:49they're always talking
00:26:50about religious extremists.
00:26:52We're at war
00:26:53with extremists.
00:26:55Extremists.
00:26:55What is a religious
00:26:57extremist?
00:26:58A religious extremist
00:26:59is a person
00:27:00that extremely
00:27:02believes in God.
00:27:04You think you believe
00:27:05in God.
00:27:06No,
00:27:06they extremely
00:27:07believe in God.
00:27:09Like,
00:27:09God coming back
00:27:10on Wednesday
00:27:11at 2.30,
00:27:13I got tickets.
00:27:17Fantasia's
00:27:18open and fall.
00:27:20I hear Charlie Wilson
00:27:21might stop by.
00:27:24That's right.
00:27:24Religious extremists
00:27:25extremely believe
00:27:27in God
00:27:27and occasionally
00:27:29blow shit up.
00:27:30which is really
00:27:32odd when you think
00:27:32about it
00:27:33because if you
00:27:33truly believe
00:27:34in God,
00:27:35you believe
00:27:35that God
00:27:36created the earth,
00:27:36the moon,
00:27:37the stars,
00:27:37and the sun.
00:27:37You believe
00:27:37that God
00:27:39is the most
00:27:39powerful being
00:27:40in the universe.
00:27:42So if you believe
00:27:43God's the most
00:27:43powerful being
00:27:44in the universe,
00:27:45why would he
00:27:46need your help?
00:27:49What is that shit?
00:27:51And it's never
00:27:59nobody smart
00:28:00helping God out.
00:28:01It's never
00:28:02Malcolm Gladwell
00:28:03or Neil deGrasse Tyson.
00:28:06It's always
00:28:06some motherfucker
00:28:07that was working
00:28:08at Circuit City
00:28:09two weeks ago
00:28:10to say,
00:28:12what the fuck?
00:28:13Wasn't you
00:28:13loading trucks
00:28:14two weeks ago?
00:28:16Now you're
00:28:16helping out God?
00:28:18That is some
00:28:19promotion.
00:28:21What the fuck
00:28:22is going on?
00:28:24I mean,
00:28:24here's the thing.
00:28:25I think
00:28:25the act
00:28:27of helping God
00:28:28is sacrilegious.
00:28:30If you think
00:28:31you can help God out,
00:28:32you don't believe
00:28:33in God.
00:28:34That's right.
00:28:34If you really
00:28:35had faith,
00:28:35you'd really have faith.
00:28:36I mean,
00:28:36check this out.
00:28:37I haven't been
00:28:38to church
00:28:39in ten years.
00:28:41Now that's
00:28:42believing in God.
00:28:47Shit,
00:28:48you go every week
00:28:49because you
00:28:50don't trust God.
00:28:56Aw, man.
00:28:57But I love
00:28:58religion, man.
00:28:59I love
00:28:59watching religion,
00:29:01studying religion.
00:29:02The cool thing
00:29:02about religion
00:29:03is like,
00:29:04no matter
00:29:04who you pray to,
00:29:06no matter
00:29:06what you study,
00:29:08every religion
00:29:09follows one
00:29:11basic premise,
00:29:13one basic idea
00:29:15that every religion
00:29:16follows.
00:29:17And that premise
00:29:19is God
00:29:21doesn't make
00:29:22mistakes.
00:29:23Every religion
00:29:24believes that.
00:29:25Everybody.
00:29:25God
00:29:26does not
00:29:27make
00:29:29mistakes.
00:29:34I say God
00:29:36does not
00:29:38make
00:29:39mistakes.
00:29:42God
00:29:47don't
00:29:47make
00:29:48no
00:29:48mistakes.
00:29:50That's
00:29:50okay.
00:29:52That's
00:29:52a pretty
00:29:53ambitious
00:29:53thing to say.
00:29:55No mistakes.
00:29:57You ever
00:29:57read the Bible?
00:29:59What
00:29:59does the Bible
00:30:00say happen
00:30:01on the
00:30:01seventh
00:30:02day?
00:30:03God
00:30:04rested.
00:30:06Okay.
00:30:06Seems
00:30:06odd that
00:30:07a perfect
00:30:08being
00:30:09would
00:30:10rest.
00:30:10Let me
00:30:14ask you
00:30:14a question.
00:30:15Have
00:30:16you
00:30:16ever
00:30:16been
00:30:16performing
00:30:17a
00:30:17task?
00:30:19It
00:30:19was
00:30:19going
00:30:19perfect
00:30:20and
00:30:22you
00:30:22took
00:30:23a
00:30:23rest?
00:30:26Has
00:30:26that
00:30:26ever
00:30:27happened
00:30:27in your
00:30:27life?
00:30:29No.
00:30:30That
00:30:30has
00:30:30never
00:30:31fucking
00:30:32happened
00:30:32to you.
00:30:33What
00:30:33was
00:30:33happened
00:30:33to you
00:30:34was
00:30:34you
00:30:34were
00:30:34performing
00:30:35a
00:30:35task,
00:30:36you
00:30:36fucked
00:30:36up,
00:30:37and
00:30:39you
00:30:39thought,
00:30:39let
00:30:39me
00:30:39rest,
00:30:40before
00:30:41I
00:30:42fuck
00:30:42this
00:30:42up
00:30:43some
00:30:43more.
00:30:48God
00:30:49doesn't
00:30:50make
00:30:50mistakes.
00:30:51Hush
00:30:51your
00:30:51mouth.
00:30:53God
00:30:53made
00:30:54plenty
00:30:54of
00:30:54mistakes.
00:30:55You
00:30:55ever
00:30:55see
00:30:56a
00:30:56porcupine?
00:30:59Can't
00:31:00eat it,
00:31:00can't
00:31:01hug it.
00:31:02It's
00:31:02ugly,
00:31:03sticky,
00:31:04shitting
00:31:04all over
00:31:04the
00:31:04place.
00:31:06Mistake!
00:31:06What
00:31:12about
00:31:12quicksand?
00:31:15Sand,
00:31:16you can
00:31:16drown it.
00:31:18You
00:31:18can
00:31:18drown
00:31:19dry.
00:31:21You
00:31:21think
00:31:21God
00:31:22meant
00:31:22to
00:31:22make
00:31:22quicksand?
00:31:24Mistake!
00:31:28You
00:31:29ever
00:31:29been to
00:31:30Mississippi?
00:31:30Mistake!
00:31:37M-I-S-S-P-A-K-E!
00:31:45Are you
00:31:46kidding me?
00:31:47This is a
00:31:47big
00:31:48hunk
00:31:48of
00:31:48racist
00:31:49dirt.
00:31:51Fucking
00:31:51Mississippi.
00:31:52I was
00:31:52there a
00:31:53couple of
00:31:53months ago.
00:31:55I
00:31:55couldn't
00:31:55even tell
00:31:56what year
00:31:56it was.
00:31:58That's
00:31:59how fucked
00:31:59up and
00:32:00ghetto
00:32:00that
00:32:01shit
00:32:01was.
00:32:01Like,
00:32:02God
00:32:02damn!
00:32:03You
00:32:04know what
00:32:04Mississippi
00:32:04is like?
00:32:06You
00:32:06know,
00:32:06like,
00:32:07when you
00:32:07go to
00:32:07the
00:32:07Caribbean?
00:32:09You
00:32:09know,
00:32:09like,
00:32:10when you
00:32:10go to
00:32:10Caribbean,
00:32:10you
00:32:10land,
00:32:11and you
00:32:12get in
00:32:12that
00:32:12van,
00:32:13that
00:32:15drive,
00:32:16that
00:32:17scary
00:32:17ass
00:32:18drive,
00:32:20from the
00:32:20airport to
00:32:22the resort,
00:32:24and you're
00:32:25looking out
00:32:25the window,
00:32:25you're like,
00:32:26what the fuck?
00:32:28What the fuck
00:32:30is this shit?
00:32:32Oh my God!
00:32:34Whoa!
00:32:35You see
00:32:36little kids
00:32:36eating dreadlocks?
00:32:42You see
00:32:43Shabarank
00:32:44stabbing a
00:32:44dog?
00:32:45Shabba!
00:32:46Shabba!
00:32:47Shabba!
00:32:48Shabba!
00:32:48Shabba!
00:32:53See,
00:32:54people
00:32:54looking like
00:32:55they never
00:32:55saw a car
00:32:56before.
00:33:06Will,
00:33:07will.
00:33:09And then
00:33:10you get to
00:33:10the resort,
00:33:11and you're like,
00:33:11Jamaica's
00:33:12nice.
00:33:12It's nice.
00:33:21It's so nice.
00:33:22We should invite
00:33:23your mother.
00:33:27Shit.
00:33:29They give you
00:33:30one pina colada,
00:33:31and you forgive
00:33:35the worst
00:33:36poverty you've
00:33:37ever seen.
00:33:43You take
00:33:43one sip,
00:33:44you're like,
00:33:44that baby
00:33:46wasn't really
00:33:46dead,
00:33:47right?
00:33:47Right?
00:33:47I can't wait
00:33:56to jet ski.
00:33:57I can't wait to jet ski.
00:34:02Trying to find God,
00:34:04hope God finds me.
00:34:06Trying to get my life
00:34:07together, man.
00:34:08I had a crazy,
00:34:10last few years
00:34:11been crazy for me,
00:34:12man.
00:34:13You know,
00:34:14taking care of my
00:34:15kids, man.
00:34:16I got divorced.
00:34:18Divorced.
00:34:19No, no, baby.
00:34:21No.
00:34:22Don't clap for that
00:34:24shit unless you're
00:34:24a lawyer.
00:34:27You don't want
00:34:28to get divorced.
00:34:29Let me tell you
00:34:29right now.
00:34:30I'm talking from
00:34:32hell.
00:34:32You don't want
00:34:33this shit.
00:34:34Tell me,
00:34:34right,
00:34:35if you got
00:34:35somebody you love,
00:34:36hold tight.
00:34:38That's right.
00:34:38Hold fucking tight.
00:34:41Commit.
00:34:42Don't be the one
00:34:42that's always
00:34:43threatening to leave,
00:34:44too.
00:34:45That's right.
00:34:45Love hard or
00:34:46get the fuck out.
00:34:48If you're gonna leave,
00:34:49leave right now.
00:34:51That's right.
00:34:51At the show,
00:34:52right now.
00:34:55That's right.
00:34:56Just break up.
00:34:57We got
00:34:57breakup booths
00:34:58in the back.
00:35:00That's right.
00:35:01But before you leave,
00:35:02you better,
00:35:03you better make sure
00:35:04you got some options.
00:35:07That's right.
00:35:07Because some of y'all
00:35:08have been in a relationship
00:35:08so long,
00:35:09you don't know
00:35:10how ugly you are.
00:35:17That's right.
00:35:18Love hard
00:35:20or get the fuck out.
00:35:22Okay?
00:35:23You hear me?
00:35:24I'm telling you
00:35:25right now.
00:35:27If you're in a relationship,
00:35:28all you should be doing
00:35:30is fucking
00:35:31and going places.
00:35:32That's all
00:35:35you should be doing.
00:35:38Having sex
00:35:39and traveling.
00:35:41Fucking
00:35:41and going places.
00:35:42You should be
00:35:43coming and going.
00:35:48That's all
00:35:49you should be doing.
00:35:50Okay?
00:35:51People say,
00:35:51oh, relationships
00:35:52are tough.
00:35:53No, they're not.
00:35:54They're only tough
00:35:55when one person's
00:35:56working on it.
00:35:57That's right.
00:35:58Two people
00:35:58can move a couch
00:35:59real easy.
00:36:02One person
00:36:03can't move it at all.
00:36:05That's right.
00:36:05If you're in a relationship,
00:36:07let me try
00:36:07to help you right now.
00:36:09Okay?
00:36:09I'm trying
00:36:09to fucking help you.
00:36:10Okay?
00:36:12Okay, first,
00:36:12rule one.
00:36:14Stop competing.
00:36:17It's not a fucking competition.
00:36:19That's right.
00:36:20Her success
00:36:21is your success
00:36:23and your success
00:36:24is her success.
00:36:25Stop competing.
00:36:27Stop it.
00:36:31Okay?
00:36:31Number two.
00:36:33Number two.
00:36:35Okay?
00:36:36There is no equality
00:36:38in a relationship.
00:36:40It's like,
00:36:41we're equals.
00:36:42No, you're not.
00:36:43You're both there
00:36:44to serve.
00:36:46You are in the
00:36:47service industry.
00:36:48Okay?
00:36:50That's right.
00:36:51When you're
00:36:52in a relationship,
00:36:53you're in a band.
00:36:55You're in a fucking band.
00:36:57And when you're
00:36:58in a band,
00:36:58you have roles
00:36:59that you play
00:37:00in the band.
00:37:02Sometimes you sing lead
00:37:04and sometimes
00:37:06you're on tambourine.
00:37:11And if you're
00:37:13on tambourine,
00:37:14play it right.
00:37:16Play it right.
00:37:18Play it with a
00:37:18fucking smile.
00:37:20Because nobody
00:37:21wants to see
00:37:22a mad tambourine
00:37:23playing.
00:37:24That's right.
00:37:35If you're going to
00:37:36play tambourine,
00:37:37you play that
00:37:37motherfucker right.
00:37:39You play it with
00:37:39your ass.
00:37:40Like,
00:37:40tambourine,
00:37:41motherfucker,
00:37:41tambourine.
00:37:42Tambourine,
00:37:43motherfucker,
00:37:43tambourine.
00:37:44A tambourine,
00:37:45motherfucker,
00:37:46tambourine.
00:37:47A tambourine,
00:37:47motherfucker,
00:37:48tambourine.
00:37:51Play it like
00:37:52Peter Turner.
00:37:54That's right.
00:37:55You in a band.
00:37:57It's like Hall and Oates.
00:37:59I don't know what Oates does.
00:38:03But Hall never had a hit record without him.
00:38:11Yeah.
00:38:12You want to stay together.
00:38:14How do you stay together?
00:38:15You gotta fuck.
00:38:19It's that simple.
00:38:20You gots to fuck.
00:38:24People always say, oh, when we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.
00:38:30No, they didn't.
00:38:31Nothing arose.
00:38:34Every problem you have today, you had when you met.
00:38:39But you were fucking, so you forgave.
00:38:48Right.
00:38:49You knew he didn't do dishes, but he gave you good dick.
00:38:57That was a swell trade.
00:38:58Dick for dishes.
00:39:00You used to love washing them dick dishes.
00:39:07So you knew she couldn't cook, but she licked your balls.
00:39:12You're like, ah, keep licking, we'll order in.
00:39:20You gots to fuck.
00:39:23You gotta fuck.
00:39:24You gotta keep it up.
00:39:26And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in.
00:39:29You got to keep this shit moving.
00:39:32You can't wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you.
00:39:35That's right.
00:39:39That's right.
00:39:40Ladies, are you listening to me?
00:39:42Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick.
00:39:45You gotta do what you gotta do.
00:39:56Because I could eat pussy in a horrible mood.
00:40:03I can't believe there's no gas in the car.
00:40:06I can't believe there's so much mold in the basement.
00:40:21Should I eat pussy on 9-11?
00:40:23Where were you?
00:40:40No, man.
00:40:41You gots to fuck, man.
00:40:43Dude, I was married for 16 years.
00:40:47I was married for 16 years.
00:40:48Yeah, that's a long run.
00:40:49Hamilton won't last that long.
00:40:51I was married for 16 years
00:40:54in the era of the cell phone.
00:40:58Which means my 16 years
00:41:01is actually longer than my parents' 40.
00:41:06That's right.
00:41:07In 16 years, I had more contact
00:41:09with my ex-wife than my parents did
00:41:12in 40 years.
00:41:14Okay?
00:41:15My father used to leave for work
00:41:17at 6.30 in the morning
00:41:20and come home at 8.30 at night.
00:41:24And during the day,
00:41:25him and my mother
00:41:26had absolutely no contact at all.
00:41:33None.
00:41:34Okay?
00:41:34That's what a relationship used to be.
00:41:38The kids could have been dead.
00:41:41And he wouldn't have found that shit out
00:41:43until he got home.
00:41:46He'd be like,
00:41:46hey, the kids are dead.
00:41:47What time did they die?
00:41:49About eight hours ago,
00:41:49damn, I missed it.
00:41:54Yes.
00:41:55That's right.
00:41:55You know what else?
00:41:56They actually missed each other.
00:41:59They missed each other.
00:42:01You can't miss nobody in 2017.
00:42:05Not really.
00:42:05You can say it.
00:42:07But you don't really miss a motherfucker.
00:42:09Because you're with them all the time.
00:42:12They in your fucking pocket.
00:42:14As soon as you leave, man,
00:42:18as soon as you go somewhere,
00:42:19you get a fucking text.
00:42:20You get a ping.
00:42:21You get a beep.
00:42:22You get a fucking Facebook.
00:42:24An Instagram.
00:42:25You get something.
00:42:27You know, a FaceTime.
00:42:28And then later on,
00:42:29your woman goes,
00:42:30you act like you don't want to talk.
00:42:34Like, what the fuck are you talking about?
00:42:36I know everything you did today.
00:42:39And I know how people felt about it.
00:42:45I gave you five likes, bitch.
00:42:50I gave you three smiley faces
00:42:52and an eggplant.
00:42:58Dude, I was not, like, a good husband.
00:43:01I was fucked up.
00:43:03You know?
00:43:03I was addicted to porn.
00:43:07I know.
00:43:07Billion-dollar industry, just me.
00:43:09Right?
00:43:14I was addicted to porn.
00:43:16You know, you know.
00:43:18I was 15 minutes late everywhere.
00:43:26I got some witnesses.
00:43:29And when you watch too much porn,
00:43:31you know what happens?
00:43:31Here's what happens to you.
00:43:33You become, like, sexually autistic.
00:43:35You develop, like, sexual autism.
00:43:41You have a hard time with eye contact
00:43:43and verbal cues.
00:43:47You want everything to be routine.
00:43:50Like, you can't choke your woman every night.
00:43:52You got to mix it up.
00:43:56Choke out Thursday.
00:43:57And what happens to you?
00:44:02You watch too much porn, you get desensitized.
00:44:05You know?
00:44:06So when you start watching porn,
00:44:08it's like, any porn will do.
00:44:09It's like, ah, they're naked.
00:44:10Ooh-hoo.
00:44:10Then later on, now you all fucked up.
00:44:14And you need a perfect porn cocktail
00:44:17to get you off.
00:44:20You know?
00:44:21I was so fucked up.
00:44:22Like, I need an Asian girl
00:44:24with a black girl's ass
00:44:26that speaks Spanish.
00:44:32Just to get my dick to move an inch.
00:44:37I'm a lot better now.
00:44:39Ladies, take care of your men.
00:44:41Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends.
00:44:44Take care of her.
00:44:46Or she will leave you.
00:44:47She will leave you either physically or mentally.
00:44:52A woman can leave you mentally.
00:44:56That's right.
00:44:57Like Star Trek.
00:44:58Just telepath out this motherfucker.
00:45:02There's guys that think they want their wife right now.
00:45:08But no, nigga, she left you months ago.
00:45:12She just came because you got tickets.
00:45:17She ain't with you.
00:45:19She with me.
00:45:26Oh, man.
00:45:27The only you get the most shit you learn.
00:45:28One thing, the gangster shit in the world,
00:45:31you learn nothing more gangster,
00:45:35nothing smarter,
00:45:37nothing more powerful
00:45:38than a housewife.
00:45:41Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth.
00:45:44People think it's the working woman.
00:45:46No.
00:45:47Suckers work.
00:45:53That's right.
00:45:55Smart people find other people to work for them.
00:45:59That's right.
00:46:00That's right.
00:46:01They got the housewives of Atlanta.
00:46:03They don't got the working bitches of Atlanta.
00:46:08Nobody would watch that show.
00:46:10No, a housewife's a bad motherfucker, boy.
00:46:13Because a housewife has convinced a husband
00:46:16that it's his house, too.
00:46:20There's a lot of guys in here right now
00:46:22who think they own a house.
00:46:24Think it's their house, too.
00:46:26No.
00:46:27She took that house years ago.
00:46:30And the kids were in on it.
00:46:34That's right.
00:46:35That's right.
00:46:36The housewife's a bad motherfucker
00:46:37because, you know,
00:46:38housewife got a little time.
00:46:39So before Daddy come home,
00:46:42the housewife get the kids together
00:46:43and they rehearse a little play
00:46:45that they do when Daddy get home.
00:46:50It's like,
00:46:50okay, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes.
00:46:52You know your lines?
00:46:53I miss you, Daddy.
00:46:54Good, good.
00:46:57You say that as soon as he walk in, okay?
00:47:00I need you to grab his leg
00:47:02and don't let go.
00:47:03I'm gonna give him a big piece of chicken
00:47:07and when he falls asleep,
00:47:10we go back to having our house.
00:47:17That's right, fellas.
00:47:18You don't own a house.
00:47:22If you live with a woman,
00:47:23you don't have a house.
00:47:24That is her fucking house.
00:47:25The only man that owns anything
00:47:27is a single man, okay?
00:47:29And, fellas,
00:47:30here's the test right now.
00:47:31If you really think
00:47:32you own a house,
00:47:34this is the test.
00:47:35Okay, fellas,
00:47:36tonight,
00:47:36when you go home,
00:47:38I want you to try.
00:47:40I want you to try.
00:47:42Fellas,
00:47:43when you go home tonight,
00:47:44I want you to try
00:47:45to hang up a picture of your mother.
00:47:49It's your house, right?
00:48:00Give it a shot.
00:48:04What's that?
00:48:05It's a picture of my mother.
00:48:07I don't like that frame.
00:48:12You'll never see that picture again.
00:48:17Maybe at your mother's funeral.
00:48:19She'll go,
00:48:20look what I found.
00:48:23Motherfucker.
00:48:25Yo, ladies,
00:48:27if you got a good husband,
00:48:28a good man,
00:48:28hold on tight.
00:48:30Another woman
00:48:31will take your husband.
00:48:34Now, take him.
00:48:36There's women in here right now
00:48:37with stolen husbands.
00:48:41You know who you are.
00:48:44You're like,
00:48:45that bitch was slipping.
00:48:45That's right.
00:48:50Hold tight.
00:48:50Another woman
00:48:51will take
00:48:52your
00:48:53man.
00:48:55Fellas,
00:48:57you don't got to really
00:48:58worry about that.
00:49:00Nobody's taking your wife.
00:49:02Oh, don't get me wrong.
00:49:04They'll fuck your wife.
00:49:07Oh, they'll fuck her good.
00:49:09They'll fuck her better than you.
00:49:11But they're not going to take her.
00:49:16There's no guy going,
00:49:17yeah, I want her to yell at me
00:49:19the way she yells at him.
00:49:20I want to live in a house
00:49:24with no pictures of my mother.
00:49:29Oh, they'll fuck her.
00:49:30And then they'll return her.
00:49:32I believe this is yours.
00:49:37Bitch had me feeling bad
00:49:38about myself.
00:49:42Oh, man.
00:49:43I fucked up, man.
00:49:45Divorce, man.
00:49:46You don't want no parts
00:49:47of this shit, man.
00:49:49It's my fault
00:49:51because I'm a fucking asshole, man.
00:49:52I wasn't a good husband.
00:49:55I wasn't a good husband.
00:49:57I didn't listen.
00:49:59I wasn't kind.
00:50:01True, true.
00:50:03You know,
00:50:04I had an attitude.
00:50:05I thought,
00:50:05I'll pay for everything.
00:50:06I can do what I want.
00:50:08That shit don't fucking work.
00:50:11You know,
00:50:11I just thought
00:50:12I was a shit, man.
00:50:13I didn't play the tambourine.
00:50:15You got to play the tambourine.
00:50:19Everybody got to play the tambourine, man.
00:50:21I cheated.
00:50:25Yeah, I'm serious.
00:50:26I'm not bragging.
00:50:28I cheated.
00:50:28I was like on the road
00:50:29and, you know,
00:50:31I ended up sleeping
00:50:32with three different women.
00:50:33It's like fucked up.
00:50:35You know what's fucked up?
00:50:36Here's the thing.
00:50:36When guys cheat,
00:50:38it's like we want something new.
00:50:40You want something new, right?
00:50:42But then,
00:50:43you know what happens?
00:50:44Your woman finds out
00:50:46and now she's new.
00:50:49She's never the same again.
00:50:51So now you got new,
00:50:52but you got a bad new.
00:50:55You know,
00:50:56you got a bad fucking new, man.
00:50:58And I know every woman
00:50:59in here right now
00:50:59is like,
00:51:00fuck you, Chris.
00:51:00What the fuck, man?
00:51:02I thought you,
00:51:03I thought you was all right.
00:51:04You?
00:51:06Come on, Chris.
00:51:08What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:51:09What the fuck is wrong with men?
00:51:11I know a bunch of women
00:51:13are thinking that right now.
00:51:14Every woman in here
00:51:14is like,
00:51:15fuck you, Chris.
00:51:16And every guy in here
00:51:19right now is going,
00:51:20three?
00:51:24That's it?
00:51:25Just three?
00:51:27God damn, nigga.
00:51:28I work at UPS.
00:51:30I got more holes than that.
00:51:34Three?
00:51:35You must have really
00:51:36loved your wife.
00:51:37You're a romantic.
00:51:45Yo,
00:51:46you don't want to get divorced, man.
00:51:47This shit is no joke, man.
00:51:50I had to go through
00:51:50a custody fight
00:51:51for my kids
00:51:52just to see my kids, man.
00:51:55That shit's fucked up, man.
00:51:56First of all,
00:51:58you don't want to be
00:51:59a man
00:52:00in family court.
00:52:03And you don't want to be
00:52:05a black man
00:52:06in any court.
00:52:08Okay, even the black judge
00:52:10comes to work
00:52:11with his lawyer.
00:52:15And he keeps his robe
00:52:16on all day.
00:52:18And writes judge
00:52:19on the back.
00:52:21Just in case somebody
00:52:22thinks it's a nigga
00:52:23with a cape.
00:52:24Is that a nigga
00:52:28with a cape?
00:52:30Nope, just a judge.
00:52:33Yo, man,
00:52:34I was in court.
00:52:35That shit was scary, man.
00:52:37Like, to not know
00:52:38if you're going to be able
00:52:38to fucking see your kids.
00:52:41You know?
00:52:41And, you know,
00:52:42when I got divorced,
00:52:43I wanted it to be smooth.
00:52:44You know?
00:52:45So, you know,
00:52:46I bought a house
00:52:46around the corner.
00:52:48Okay?
00:52:49Like, like,
00:52:49like, fucking
00:52:50quarter of a mile.
00:52:51Like, right around
00:52:52the fucking corner.
00:52:53Damn near the same house.
00:52:54Okay?
00:52:55But it wasn't enough, man.
00:52:57I went in there
00:52:58and that judge was like,
00:52:59uh, Mr. Rock,
00:53:02I need to see
00:53:04pictures
00:53:05of the beds
00:53:08in the bedroom
00:53:09to make sure
00:53:10the children
00:53:10have a place to sleep.
00:53:12So,
00:53:13you think I got a manger?
00:53:15What?
00:53:17Like, I got a million dollar
00:53:19house with no beds?
00:53:22Okay.
00:53:23Showed them
00:53:24a picture, right?
00:53:25But that wasn't enough.
00:53:26Then the judge
00:53:27was like,
00:53:27uh, Mr. Rock,
00:53:28I need to see
00:53:30pictures
00:53:31of the refrigerator
00:53:32and the food
00:53:34inside
00:53:34to make sure
00:53:36the children
00:53:36have enough
00:53:37to eat.
00:53:38I'm like,
00:53:39what have you
00:53:42heard about me?
00:53:43laughter
00:53:43I'm Chris Rock,
00:53:48not Chris Brown.
00:53:49laughter
00:53:49Yo, man.
00:53:59Yo, fellas,
00:54:00I hope none
00:54:00of you get divorced.
00:54:02I'm telling you
00:54:02right now,
00:54:03if you ever
00:54:04do anything good
00:54:05for your kids,
00:54:06take a picture
00:54:07of that shit.
00:54:08If you hug them,
00:54:09take a picture.
00:54:10If you feed them,
00:54:11take a picture.
00:54:12Because you never know
00:54:13when you might need
00:54:14receipts of love.
00:54:15laughter
00:54:15Winter is coming!
00:54:18laughter
00:54:18But it worked out!
00:54:21I got my kids.
00:54:22I got my kids.
00:54:23I got my custody.
00:54:24It's fucking beautiful.
00:54:25Okay?
00:54:26I got my kids, man.
00:54:29I was just with them.
00:54:30This afternoon,
00:54:30I got my fucking kids, man.
00:54:32That shit was, like,
00:54:33humiliating, man.
00:54:34Trying to prove
00:54:36your parenthood, man.
00:54:38So I know I said
00:54:39you're not supposed
00:54:39to compete
00:54:40in a relationship,
00:54:41but after you go
00:54:44through that shit,
00:54:46you're like,
00:54:46like, am I going
00:54:47to lose my kids?
00:54:48It's like, yo,
00:54:49I'm going hard
00:54:50every time I have
00:54:51my kids.
00:54:52And I always went hard,
00:54:53but I'm going
00:54:53extra hard.
00:54:55It's like, I don't know
00:54:55what you're doing
00:54:56at your mother's house,
00:54:56but we're gonna top
00:54:57that shit.
00:55:00Every motherfucking time,
00:55:01okay?
00:55:02Sometimes I bring
00:55:03guest stars.
00:55:05laughter
00:55:05I make sure
00:55:07they go back
00:55:07to her with a story.
00:55:09Like, mama, mama,
00:55:10Drake helped me
00:55:11with my homework.
00:55:12laughter
00:55:12Lady Gaga made me
00:55:18a grilled cheese sandwich.
00:55:19laughter
00:55:20Y'all think
00:55:23I'm bullshitting.
00:55:24laughter
00:55:25Check my Instagram,
00:55:27all right?
00:55:27laughter
00:55:28And the crazy thing is,
00:55:31laughter
00:55:31So after
00:55:33you get through
00:55:34the custody thing,
00:55:35then you gotta divide
00:55:36the money.
00:55:36That's fucking scary shit,
00:55:38man.
00:55:38And whoever,
00:55:40whoever
00:55:41makes the most money
00:55:43has to pay the legal fees
00:55:44for the other person.
00:55:45So I had to pay
00:55:46for a lawyer
00:55:47to divorce me.
00:55:49laughter
00:55:50That's like hiring
00:55:51a hitman
00:55:52to kill you.
00:55:54It's like,
00:55:55okay, here's a picture of me.
00:55:57laughter
00:55:57I'm gonna be at Burger King
00:56:00at 1038,
00:56:03okay?
00:56:04Shoot me in the head
00:56:05and give me a call.
00:56:06laughter
00:56:07I'm in court.
00:56:12Yo, one day I'm in court
00:56:13and I'm just looking around
00:56:14and, you know,
00:56:17she got three lawyers,
00:56:18I got three lawyers.
00:56:20Shit's expensive as fuck.
00:56:22She got three lawyers,
00:56:23I got three lawyers.
00:56:24The judge,
00:56:25the bailiff,
00:56:26the stenographer.
00:56:27I'm looking at
00:56:28all these motherfuckers, man.
00:56:30I'm like, wow,
00:56:31look at this whole town.
00:56:34Just here.
00:56:35And I'm looking at
00:56:37all these people
00:56:37and I realize, like,
00:56:38everybody in this room
00:56:40is far more educated
00:56:42than me.
00:56:43Everybody dropped out
00:56:44of boys high, okay?
00:56:45Got college motherfuckers
00:56:47coming at me, right?
00:56:48And I realize
00:56:49everybody in the room
00:56:50born to much better
00:56:52circumstances than me.
00:56:53I'm from bed,
00:56:54motherfucking style, baby.
00:56:55And everybody in there
00:56:57is there to take my money.
00:56:59laughter
00:56:59It's like,
00:57:02everybody in here
00:57:03is going to leave
00:57:04with more money
00:57:04except me.
00:57:06And they got up
00:57:08that morning,
00:57:09they brushed their teeth,
00:57:10they put on suits,
00:57:11they fixed their hair
00:57:12with the sole purpose
00:57:14of taking my shit.
00:57:17And at that moment,
00:57:19I realized something.
00:57:22I made it.
00:57:23laughter
00:57:24I made it.
00:57:32It started from the bottom,
00:57:34now I'm here.
00:57:36I've made it, man.
00:57:38And, you know,
00:57:39after that, I was like,
00:57:39fuck it, take it.
00:57:40Whatever you need, take it.
00:57:41I'll be all right.
00:57:42I'm going to work.
00:57:43It's going to be good.
00:57:44You know, because
00:57:45here's the crazy thing, man.
00:57:46Some of these lessons,
00:57:46you just got to learn,
00:57:47you know?
00:57:48Like, I bought this shit
00:57:49on myself, you know?
00:57:51Nobody told me to go
00:57:53hoe up, you know?
00:57:56laughter
00:57:56I brought this shit
00:57:59on myself.
00:58:00And you just,
00:58:00you got to learn
00:58:01some lessons,
00:58:01some man lessons, okay?
00:58:03I know it's hard
00:58:04being a woman,
00:58:05but there's a coldness
00:58:06that you have to accept
00:58:08when you're a man,
00:58:10especially a black man.
00:58:11It's like,
00:58:12the world's cold
00:58:13as a motherfucker, okay?
00:58:15And you get older.
00:58:16One thing I learned,
00:58:18only women,
00:58:20children,
00:58:21and dogs
00:58:23are loved unconditionally.
00:58:26laughter
00:58:26Women, children,
00:58:29and dogs
00:58:30are loved unconditionally.
00:58:33A man
00:58:34is only loved
00:58:35under the condition
00:58:37that he provides something.
00:58:40Okay?
00:58:41I've never heard
00:58:42a woman in my life say,
00:58:44you know,
00:58:44after he got laid off,
00:58:45we got so much closer.
00:58:46laughter
00:58:47laughter
00:58:48No, no,
00:58:51I once heard
00:58:52my grandmother say,
00:58:54a broke man
00:58:55is like a broke hand.
00:58:57laughter
00:58:58Can't do nothing with it.
00:58:59laughter
00:59:00What kind of
00:59:02gangster shit is that?
00:59:05laughter
00:59:05That's right.
00:59:09Women,
00:59:09children,
00:59:10and dogs
00:59:12are loved unconditionally.
00:59:14A man
00:59:15is only loved
00:59:16under the condition
00:59:17that he provides something.
00:59:18That's right.
00:59:19Fellas,
00:59:20when you meet a new girl,
00:59:22what do your friends ask you?
00:59:24What's she look like?
00:59:26Ladies,
00:59:27when you meet a new guy,
00:59:29laughter
00:59:30What do your friends ask you?
00:59:32What does he do?
00:59:34laughter
00:59:35What the fuck
00:59:36does that nigga do
00:59:38that can help you out?
00:59:41laughter
00:59:42Can this motherfucker
00:59:44facilitate a dream
00:59:46or not?
00:59:47laughter
00:59:47Even right now,
00:59:50Michelle Obama
00:59:51is looking at Barack
00:59:53going,
00:59:54What's your plans, nigga?
00:59:54laughter
00:59:55How's that book
01:00:05turning out?
01:00:05laughter
01:00:06I need to see
01:00:07some pages
01:00:08I remember
01:00:15right when my divorce
01:00:16was final
01:00:17I was at a party
01:00:19and
01:00:20I saw Rihanna
01:00:22I was like,
01:00:23okay,
01:00:23let's start this again
01:00:24laughter
01:00:25laughter
01:00:26So I'm at this party
01:00:31I see Rihanna
01:00:32I was like,
01:00:33okay,
01:00:33let me say what's up
01:00:34laughter
01:00:34laughter
01:00:35laughter
01:00:36and I'm like,
01:00:41let's say how you doing, Rihanna?
01:00:44You ever forget
01:00:45how old you are?
01:00:46laughter
01:00:47Rihanna looked at me
01:00:50like I was one of her aunts
01:00:51laughter
01:00:52She didn't even register me
01:00:56as a dick-carrying
01:00:57member of society
01:00:59laughter
01:01:00Like,
01:01:01I would have had
01:01:02an easier time
01:01:03fucking Aretha Franklin
01:01:04laughter
01:01:05I'm retired
01:01:10This cheat shit
01:01:12I'm done
01:01:12I'm done
01:01:14You get a certain age
01:01:15You lose enough shit
01:01:18It's like,
01:01:19fuck this
01:01:19I am done cheating
01:01:22I'm
01:01:23Hey,
01:01:23I love pussy
01:01:24But I like peace
01:01:25More
01:01:25Peace
01:01:28Is better
01:01:29Than pussy
01:01:30Peace
01:01:31Makes my dick hard
01:01:32laughter
01:01:33I need
01:01:36Motherfucking peace
01:01:37Motherfucker
01:01:38You wanna be my girl
01:01:39Be peaceful
01:01:40Just some peace
01:01:42Motherfucker
01:01:42That's right
01:01:43I ain't cheating at all
01:01:45You know
01:01:45I mean
01:01:46Less Rihanna
01:01:47You know
01:01:47laughter
01:01:48It's all good, man
01:01:51Now I'm dating
01:01:52I'm actually dating
01:01:53It's just weird, man
01:01:55It's weird
01:01:56I was married for a long time
01:01:57You know
01:01:58I date some girls my age
01:02:00And some little younger
01:02:01That shit is crazy, man
01:02:03Yo, shit has changed
01:02:06These girls fuck fast
01:02:08They fuck fast
01:02:11And they leave
01:02:12They just get the fuck
01:02:15Out your house
01:02:16They just fuck
01:02:18And leave
01:02:19I'm like,
01:02:19Where you going?
01:02:20laughter
01:02:21It's your place
01:02:25And they fuck
01:02:29Immediately
01:02:30I'm a grown man
01:02:33And I'm like
01:02:34This is inappropriate
01:02:35laughter
01:02:36laughter
01:02:37My God
01:02:43Young girls
01:02:45Like to get on top
01:02:46Always wanna get on top
01:02:48Let me ride it, daddy
01:02:49Let me get on top
01:02:50Let me ride it
01:02:51Let me get on top
01:02:52Let me ride it
01:02:53Let me ride it
01:02:54Let me ride it
01:02:54You can't get no 45-year-old woman
01:02:56To get on top
01:02:57She's like,
01:02:58Nigga, you lucky
01:02:59I'm laying like this
01:03:00I'll turn over
01:03:06To help you finish
01:03:07But that's about it
01:03:08These knees are delicate
01:03:11laughter
01:03:11Shit, I'm on Tinder right now
01:03:16Under my own name
01:03:18laughter
01:03:18And my friends are like
01:03:22You can't be under your own name
01:03:24What if you find a woman
01:03:25That just wants you
01:03:26Cause you're Chris Rock
01:03:27I'm like
01:03:27But I am Chris Rock
01:03:29laughter
01:03:30What should I put?
01:03:32Cedric the Entertainer?
01:03:34laughter
01:03:34Shit, my profile picture
01:03:40On Tinder right now
01:03:42Is me
01:03:43Butt naked
01:03:45Holding a microphone
01:03:47And a tambourine
01:03:50Hey, I'm out of here
01:03:52Y'all take care
01:03:53Thank you
01:03:54Oh my God
01:04:01Here you are
01:04:02Prettiest thing in life
01:04:04I've never seen
01:04:05Close my eyes
01:04:10What's it like
01:04:11What's it like
01:04:12Inside the tambourine
01:04:13Oh my God
01:04:18There I go
01:04:18Falling in love
01:04:20With a face
01:04:20In a magazine
01:04:21Uh-oh
01:04:23All alone
01:04:26By myself
01:04:27Me and I
01:04:28Play my tambourine
01:04:30Tambourine
01:04:32Tambourine
01:04:32Tambourine
01:04:33Tambourine
01:04:36Tambourine
01:04:37Tambourine
01:04:40Tambourine
01:04:41Tambourine
01:04:42Tambourine
01:04:43Tambourine
01:04:44Tambourine
01:04:45Tambourine
01:04:46Tambourine
01:04:47Tambourine
01:04:48Tambourine
01:04:49Tambourine
01:04:50Tambourine
01:04:51Tambourine
01:04:52Tambourine
01:04:53Tambourine
01:04:54Tambourine
01:04:55Tambourine
01:04:56Tambourine
01:04:57Tambourine
Recommended
2:11
|
Up next
52:35
1:04:25
1:01:37
1:02:38
1:05:33
1:12:14
1:07:13
56:47
58:23
27:21
25:40
1:18:09
31:32
1:09:44
1:14:05
1:03:58
1:48:23
1:03:41
1:04:12
46:16
44:41