Brian Bates - Uber Important (20) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Brian Bates spent 20 years in corporate America before launching a stand-up comedy career. Now he brings his unique perspective to the Dry Bar stage. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup

Transcript

00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Brian Bates!

00:21Thank you very much, everybody.

00:23So excited.

00:23It's my first time ever in Provo.

00:26Excited to be here.

00:27Yeah.

00:28A little bit about myself.

00:30In my free time, when I don't do comedy, I drive for Uber.

00:35So basically, I drive for Uber.

00:39I'm an Uber driver.

00:41That's what I do.

00:42I even drive for Uber before shows, which is kind of my biggest fear.

00:47It's just one day I'll be driving before a show, and they'll be coming to that show.

00:55And we'll just ride together.

00:57And we'll just both get out of the car.

01:02They're like, you're coming to the show, too.

01:03I'm like, I am on this show.

01:06I am not doing well.

01:13Now, I guess, actually, now I think about it, my biggest fear is I'll just get heckled one night by some guy who's had too much to drink.

01:18The comedy club will call him an Uber.

01:20Now I have to drive my own heckler home.

01:26That would be worse.

01:27I used to drive after shows.

01:30I won't be doing that tonight.

01:32That was not a good idea.

01:34People commenting about my show while I drove them home.

01:37Even worse, they didn't bring it up.

01:39One night I drove a lady home, 20 minutes just in silence.

01:43I said, did you have a good time?

01:44Yeah, it was all right.

01:45It was all right.

01:46What did you think of my jokes?

01:48Hey, could we turn the radio up?

01:52But I am.

01:53I'm out there on the roads.

01:54And it makes me think that I am ready to try self-driving cars.

01:59I really am.

02:00Some people say, oh, those sound dangerous.

02:02Well, so are we.

02:04I mean, I think we're almost to the point where we're going to look back.

02:06Our grandkids will definitely look back and be like, we lived in the Wild West.

02:11They're going to be like, so you just steered your own car all by yourself.

02:17You did.

02:20Without any computer assistance.

02:21Yeah.

02:22And what gave you that authority?

02:25Well, I took a test when I was 16.

02:28And that's pretty much it.

02:32So what would you guys do if you got tired?

02:34We just rolled down the window, stick our head out.

02:38This is unbelievable.

02:40So you guys had to actually wait to get where you were going before you could look at your phone?

02:44Oh, no, we still looked at it.

02:45That didn't stop us one bit.

02:48Not one bit.

02:52I'm 47 years old, never married, but do have a serious girlfriend now.

02:58And she's 42, never married.

03:03And we actually dated like nine years ago, and it just didn't work out, and we went our separate ways.

03:09And for some reason, my friends think that's a romantic story.

03:13They're always like, oh, did you guys go your separate ways because you knew the timing wasn't right?

03:19That someday God would bring you two back together?

03:21We're like, no.

03:25We went our separate ways because we both thought we could do better.

03:40We were wrong.

03:41After nine years of trying to upgrade, we were like, we better put a tourniquet on this.

03:50Stop the bleeding.

03:52This is the best either one of us is ever going to do.

03:58I'm glad to be off the dating scene.

03:59I mean, I'm sure I'll be back out there eventually, but...

04:02It's nice to have a break, and, uh...

04:09Because I was never good at it.

04:12I read in a magazine, the two best places to meet single women.

04:15Number one, the dog park.

04:19I thought, okay, that's cool.

04:20I can try that.

04:21Let me give you guys some advice if you want to try this.

04:24You really need a dog.

04:27If not, girls just find you creepy.

04:29Number two, a running or hiking trail.

04:35Here's the problem with that.

04:35I don't run, and I don't hike.

04:37If I can't talk to a girl standing still, how am I going to talk to her when we're both in motion?

04:42It would basically just look like I'm chasing her.

04:45My buddy gave me some advice.

04:47He said, you just go on and get on ahead and wait for them to come to you.

04:51Oh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

04:54I'm just going to step off this remote area of the trail.

04:59And hide behind this bush.

05:08And then when she comes around the corner, just step out and say, hello.

05:12Would you like to go out sometime?

05:15And that's when I play a game called, how do I find my car after being pepper sprayed?

05:18You can tell I'm getting older.

05:25I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea.

05:28And if you don't know what that is, that's when you stop breathing while you sleep.

05:31It causes you to constantly wake up.

05:33It's also the only condition that your friends don't think is a real thing.

05:37I know this because I travel with other comedians and we sometimes have to share hotel rooms.

05:42And when I bring out that CPAP, they got questions.

05:50They're like, now why do you need that?

05:52Because I stop breathing when I sleep.

05:54And they're like, well, just don't.

05:59Just keep breathing.

06:00One guy tried to show me.

06:03He's like, you look, when you lay down, just start like this.

06:09You just keep going.

06:11Like it was a TED talk.

06:14Like I just needed motivation.

06:18To breathe.

06:18I'm getting more forgetful.

06:23I forget stuff all the time.

06:25You ever texted yourself a reminder and then forget the reminders from you?

06:30And get to argue a bit with yourself?

06:32Other night I was going to bed.

06:34Checked my phone before I went to bed.

06:35Had a text message from earlier in the day.

06:37Said, call Kevin about pest control.

06:40I didn't recognize the number.

06:43So I'm like, who knew I needed to call Kevin?

06:45So I texted back.

06:49Who is this?

06:53I immediately got a reply.

06:55Who is this?

07:08I was like, well, that's kind of rude.

07:12But this guy was right on top of that text.

07:13He was ready.

07:15I was like, wow.

07:17He must have just been waiting.

07:22So then I replied back, no, you texted me first.

07:25And he replied back, no, you texted me first.

07:29And this went on way longer than I'm proud to admit.

07:35At one point I called him an idiot, which is basically me calling myself an idiot.

07:38The next day I showed it to my girlfriend.

07:41And she said, technically you're both right.

07:49I'm not smart.

07:52Other sign I'm getting older is just little things annoy me.

07:54Facebook.

07:55I'm sick of Facebook.

07:57Instagram story.

07:58I don't want to know your story.

07:59Facebook live.

08:01I didn't even want to see you live.

08:04Much less on Facebook live.

08:07But at least once a week I accidentally click on someone's Facebook live and then immediately regret it.

08:12And then just try to get out before they know I'm there.

08:14Last weekend I clicked on my buddy's Facebook live.

08:18He was showing his daughter's ballet recital.

08:21I quickly just tried to X out and then I just hear a voice say,

08:24Brian Bates, thanks for joining us.

08:27Cassie's going to be so excited you tuned into her ballet recital.

08:31I looked at his followers.

08:33One.

08:34Me.

08:36I was his entire audience so I had to stay.

08:39I was stuck watching his daughter's ballet recital for three hours on my phone.

08:49I'd have rather been there in person.

08:51Because then I could have been on my phone.

09:01I don't have kids, but I wish I had kids because I noticed even ugly parents can have cute kids.

09:09Some people are looking at each other right now.

09:14Come on, we've all seen that before.

09:16Cute little kid and you're like, aww, you are so cute.

09:21And then you see his parents and you're like, aww, this will not last.

09:30You've got maybe three years.

09:31You've got his eyes now, but pretty soon you'll just have this whole face.

09:38And that's not going to be good for anyone.

09:44I have a niece.

09:45She's grown now, but when she was young I used to babysit her.

09:49And that was a lot of fun.

09:52I was constantly looking for ways to play with her while resting.

09:58It's very exhausting, I'll say that.

09:59Like one time she said, come on Uncle Brian, let's race.

10:04And I said, I've got a better idea.

10:05How about you race and I'll time you.

10:09She's like, time me?

10:10Why?

10:10And I said, well then you can tell your friends at school on Monday morning how fast you ran to the mailbox and back.

10:16Amazingly, this worked.

10:18I learned that kids love to be timed.

10:20It's an ego thing.

10:22I play on their ego.

10:23If they want to go to school, tell their friends how great they did something.

10:25So now I started doing it all the time.

10:27Quick, pick up your toys.

10:28I'll time you.

10:29Quick, brush your teeth.

10:30I'll time you.

10:31It was fun for me because I could just sit back.

10:34Now sometimes I felt bad watching her just run back and forth doing stuff.

10:38Knowing no one's going to care.

10:41But then I thought, you know what?

10:42I'm getting her some free exercise.

10:45And we know as adults you've got to spend money to stay in shape.

10:48Fitness centers, they're very expensive.

10:51Yoga places, even more so.

10:52Marathons, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

10:57How do they convince us to spend money on a marathon?

11:00Hey, how'd you like to spend a lot of money to run 26.2 miles?

11:06I don't know.

11:09Where would I be running?

11:11On the exact same streets you could run for free any other day of the year.

11:14Uh, I don't know about this.

11:22This does not seem like a good idea.

11:25Okay, how about this?

11:27What if we time you?

11:32Yeah.

11:33Time me.

11:39Now that sounds great.

11:41Then I could go to work on Monday morning and tell my coworkers how fast I ran.

11:45Don't be so interested.

11:53Hmm.

11:54I cannot run a marathon.

11:56I am very out of shape.

11:57My biggest hobby is watching television.

11:59All right.

12:00I found my soulmate.

12:06I was watching the History Channel the other night,

12:08and they were talking about the life of Christ.

12:11And then they said that we know nothing about Jesus' teenage years.

12:15And they were speculating why that was.

12:17I think I know.

12:18I think Jesus was probably just a typical 16-year-old know-it-all.

12:26Think about it.

12:27All teenagers think they know it all, but he really did.

12:30That could not have been easy.

12:35He's probably at the family reunion.

12:37Doesn't even want to be there.

12:38His uncle comes up to him.

12:40Dang, Jesus, you're getting big, boy.

12:42How old are you now?

12:44And Jesus is like, oh, I don't know.

12:46Here's a clue.

12:47What year is it?

12:48My favorite part about that is some of y'all didn't get that.

13:09That's all right.

13:10I have a friend who doesn't believe in God, but does believe in professional wrestling.

13:25He's like, bro, I'm just saying some of the stories in the Bible are a little too far-fetched for me.

13:30I'm like, all right, let me get this straight.

13:32You don't believe Jesus rose from the grave to save mankind from his sins, but you do believe the undertaker rose from the grave to defeat mankind at WrestleMania.

13:42It makes a lot of sense.

13:51I think sometimes we give God credit for stuff he doesn't even want credit for.

13:54Like, recently I had a friend pass away suddenly, and my other friends were like, why did God have to take Jerry so soon?

14:01I guess he just needed another angel in heaven.

14:03And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe.

14:05But also, Jerry ate McDonald's three meals a day.

14:11Jerry did not take care of himself, and I think we've got to meet him halfway.

14:20I'm just saying, if Jerry is an angel in heaven, he's not one of the ones that fly.

14:26That's all I'm saying.

14:32Maybe he does the books.

14:36It's going to be different jobs, right?

14:41I have been on one mission trip with my church.

14:45I'm not Mormon, but excuse me.

14:48I'm not Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

14:55I had that stuffed on my face all weekend.

14:58You guys want to get the message out.

15:00No, it was a two-week mission trip.

15:09It wasn't two years.

15:11I learned after two weeks I'm not cut out to be a missionary.

15:13Uh, I had people losing their faith because of me, so.

15:20And my friends think I had it easy because they went to Haiti and Honduras, and I went

15:25to Australia.

15:26And I think they had it easier because it's easier to impress people in those countries.

15:31I was in Sydney, Australia, one of the wealthiest cities in the world.

15:35You know how hard it is to convert people to your religion when they're doing better than

15:38you are?

15:39I would be knocking on doors, and I'm like, hello, how are you?

15:44Um, wow, this is nice.

15:50Wow.

15:51Um, if you have a few minutes, I'd love to sit down with you and tell you how Jesus Christ

15:54changed my life.

15:57And if you have a few more minutes, I'd love to sit down with you and see maybe help

16:04you could help me change my life.

16:05Uh, you are doing much better than I am.

16:09Uh, I drive for Uber, and...

16:14He's got me in the afterlife, but you could really help me now.

16:27Now, I did go to Australia, though, and that's about as far as you can go on this planet.

16:32Uh, but I was watching the news the other night with my buddy, the one who...

16:35believes in professional wrestling, and they said that this Japanese billionaire is going

16:41to send, uh, he's going to go on a trip around the moon.

16:44He's going to spend over a million dollars to go on this trip sometime later this year.

16:49My dumb friend looks at me and goes, pfft, tell you what, man, I have to spend over a million

16:53dollars to go around the moon.

16:55Better make sure it's a full moon.

17:10What?

17:14He said, I'm just saying, I don't want to get my money's worth.

17:16I don't want to see the whole thing.

17:17I think how mad you'd be if you spent all that money and got up there, it's just one

17:22of those little slivers.

17:32I say dumb things, too, though, even when I'm trying to say the right thing.

17:38Recently, uh, I was walking to the bank, and there was a soldier walking out.

17:42I thought, I'm going to hold the door for this man and thank him for his service to our

17:44country.

17:45Now, that's a good idea, but what ended up happening was, I hold the door for him, he

17:50says thank you, and I, in the most creepy way possible, say, no, sir, thank you.

17:56And he just gazed at me as he walks out the door.

18:02He looked back at me like, I am fighting for everyone's freedom, sir, except yours.

18:07You stay away from me.

18:13I was watching the news the other night with my girlfriend, and there was a story about

18:16a woman that was missing.

18:19They think she'd been abducted, and they were giving her description out on the news.

18:22And that is very scary, but my girlfriend's already told me I have nothing to worry about,

18:26because she'll never allow anything that ever happened to her that'll require the news

18:29to have to give out her weight.

18:33And she's not even overweight, but ladies, I've learned that is a delicate subject, and

18:37that ain't getting out.

18:38If she does disappear, I will be a prime suspect, because I will not cooperate with the police.

18:45Because I know she will not let me.

18:49They'll be like, won't you give us her weight?

18:50Well, first of all, if I'm being honest, I have no idea what it is, because she's never

18:54told me.

18:55I have her PIN number, if that would help.

19:02And secondly, even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you, because I'd rather be in jail than

19:05murdered by her.

19:08I would just probably show them a picture of her and say, well, what do you guys think

19:10she weighs?

19:11Because I have no idea.

19:13Keep in mind, she was starting the keto diet when she was abducted.

19:16So assuming her abductors will let her eat a low-carb diet, she was hoping to lose 15

19:24pounds by Easter.

19:32Guys, can you imagine how much trouble you'd be in if you jumped the gun and reported your

19:35wife missing, and then she just comes home a few hours later and turns on the news?

19:43Be on the lookout for this woman.

19:46Her husband says she's 42, 43, definitely early 40s, he thinks.

19:53He says she has brown hair, but she colors it, so it could be gray by now.

19:57He says he thinks she's about five foot six and weighs between a deuce, deuce and a half.

20:16People like to ask, as a comedian, what's a good bombing story you have?

20:20And I've got a lot to choose from, and I'll share this story.

20:23Last summer, I got hired to do a job for the Wilson County Livestock Association in Lebanon,

20:31Tennessee.

20:32And if you don't know where Lebanon is, that is the home of Cracker Barrel, but more importantly

20:35for this story, the home of my mom and everyone I grew up with.

20:41The Wilson County Livestock Association is a wonderful organization, but they called me

20:44and said, we'd love for you to come perform.

20:46We're raising money for scholarships for kids who want to go on to agricultural degrees and

20:50things like that.

20:51We're going to auction off items, so if you have any comedy CDs you'd like to donate,

20:56we would love that.

20:57And I said, sure, I'll be glad to give you a comedy CD.

20:59And they said, we want you to come do some comedy for us.

21:02And I said, I would love it.

21:03Sign me up.

21:04I immediately called my mom, said, mom, guess what?

21:06You're finally going to get to see me do some comedy.

21:08I'm coming to Lebanon to do a show for you.

21:10She said, I'm going to call everybody I know.

21:12We're going to tell them.

21:12We're going to come on out.

21:13I said, all right, that's great.

21:15I went and picked her up, drove her there.

21:18First sign that it might be a tough show was it was at an outdoor picnic pavilion.

21:23Outdoor picnic pavilion is always fun for comedy.

21:27That's a joke.

21:28And it was during the daytime, always fun for comedy again, daytime comedy.

21:33It was about 95 outside, which was also the average age of the people there.

21:44I'm thinking, this might be a tough gig.

21:46And then they came up and said, you know, your opening act, he's going to be from the

21:49county processor's office.

21:51He wants to talk about a proposed tax increase.

21:55I'm like, okay, it's a little bit of a different opener, but sure.

21:59I'm thinking at least they'll like me more than the guy talking about the proposed tax increase.

22:02I was dead wrong.

22:07We tied in laughs, but they were much more interested in what he had to say about that

22:10tax increase.

22:12So then I get up there and I bomb and I bomb and I bomb some more.

22:17And I can sense my mom thinking, why did I invite all my friends?

22:21And I finally bombed so much, I just have to get done.

22:23So I was like, thank you folks very much.

22:26And usually when I bomb like that, I just run and hide in the green room.

22:29But this is an outdoor picnic pavilion.

22:31There is no green room.

22:32So I just had to sit back down at the picnic table with the people I just bombed in front

22:36of.

22:37I just had to swing my leg over and just sit back down with two people that didn't laugh

22:42at one bit.

22:44So now the auction started and people are really getting into this auction.

22:47They are bidding on feeding troughs and bags of feed.

22:50And the grand prize was a live heifer, which again, I thought was a large woman, but it's

22:56actually a cow.

23:00And they are bidding, bidding, bidding away.

23:02And I don't care that they're so into it.

23:03I'm just so happy no one's focused on me now.

23:05I just don't want anyone to even think about me.

23:07And right when I think I'm done, the auctioneer says, all right, folks, now it's time to bid

23:12on this comedy CD from that guy you just saw.

23:14And everything gets quiet again.

23:17And now they're like, oh man, we had to sit through that?

23:19Now we have to spend money on him?

23:20No, thank you.

23:21And I'm like, please, someone just bid on this CD.

23:24And I'm looking down.

23:25I'm like, oh, please don't make my mom have to buy this CD.

23:27And I look over at her and she's looking down like, I do not want to have to buy this CD.

23:35I still have to live here.

23:39Finally, the auction's over and I'm ready to go.

23:41But my mom rode with me, so I can't just run out of there.

23:43She's at a different picnic, bitch.

23:45So I have to kind of slide over and grab her.

23:48And I finally said, are you ready to go?

23:51And she's like, you know what?

23:51I might just take an Uber.

23:52But we both realized that I'm the only person in Lebanon, Tennessee who's driving an Uber at that time.

24:00So I just went and grabbed the car, swung it around.

24:02She got in the back seat and we drove home for 20 minutes and she never said a word about it.

24:07And that's the woman I mentioned at the beginning of the show.

24:18But you guys have been a wonderful crowd.

24:20Thank you so much, everybody.

24:22Have a good night.

24:52Have a good night.

Brian Bates - Uber Important (20)

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