- 2 days ago
Comedian John Mulaney talks about his milk toast boyish looks, his childhood, his Jewish girlfriend, his gayish charm, his favorite TV shows, Ice-T, a homeless person he met in N.Y., and a prostate exam with Batman.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00New in Town is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
00:30Hi. Hi. Hello. How are you? Thank you. That's very nice of you. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's so nice of you. I hope you're having a good week. Thank you for being here.
00:51I'm doing well myself. In a couple days I'm going to turn 29 years old and I'm very excited about that. I was hoping by now that I would look older, but it didn't happen.
01:00I don't look older. I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like, hey, look at that man. I think they're just like, whoa, that tall child looks terrible.
01:11Get some rest, tall child. You can't keep burning the candle at both ends.
01:20A lot of guys my age, I'll hear them say this. They go, every day I think I'm becoming more like my dad. I think I'm becoming more like my mom.
01:27I was watching that show Access Hollywood and one of the reporters said, up next we have an exclusive interview with Sandra Bullock's former husband, Jesse James.
01:37And out loud, I went, ugh, this ought to be good. That's pure mom.
01:46My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids and I was in love with her.
01:52I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.
01:56And in my head, when I was a little kid, I thought that Veronica was like 25, 30 years old.
02:02I was just talking to my mom the other week. I found out that when I was 10, Veronica was 13.
02:09So why was she in charge?
02:12All she could do was dial the telephone a little better than I could.
02:1613 when I'm 10, that's just like hiring a slightly bigger child.
02:21That would be like if you were going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.
02:27Like, alright, here is the number where we'll be and here's where we keep the dog food and you're a horse.
02:38Why do people do that? People always shush animals.
02:41They go, hey, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
02:44They've never spoken.
02:48I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. I'm so excited that I get to live in New York.
02:52I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid. It was called Home Alone 2, Lost in New York.
02:57It is a sequel. Yeah. How about that movie?
03:03It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.
03:06I remember in that movie, oh, the kid in Home Alone 2, he gets into a stretch limousine on 5th Avenue with a large cheese pizza.
03:13And I thought, this is the height of luxury.
03:16Now I live in New York and I'm psyched, but that is a stupid movie title.
03:20Lost in New York, the streets are numbered.
03:25How'd you get lost in New York?
03:27I know it's kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn't a comedian back then.
03:35So I have to do it now.
03:37I wish I'd been, I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out.
03:41I would have torn it to pieces.
03:43Be like, you seen this shh?
03:46You seen this Home Alone 2, Lost in New York?
03:49It's a grand system, mother .
03:52Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you want to go?
03:5435th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch.
03:56That'd be my big joke.
03:59That'd be the closing, if I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out.
04:05But alas, I was not.
04:08I think the bullying that young people have to go through now in schools is really rough.
04:13I really sympathize, because I was bullied when I was a kid.
04:16When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American.
04:20And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.
04:27But when I was younger, and this is absolutely true,
04:31people thought that I might be Asian American.
04:34I have pretty thin eyes.
04:35I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid.
04:37And I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut.
04:40And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.
04:45On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend,
04:49he met me the first day of kindergarten.
04:51He went home that night and said,
04:52Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.
04:59And that was me.
05:02Kids would make fun of me in middle school.
05:04Kids would call me a China man, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest.
05:08That is just pushing two words together.
05:11No work was done there.
05:13It was very confusing to me because I'm not Chinese.
05:16No one in my family is remotely Asian.
05:18I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside,
05:19but that was more of a carpeting thing than anything else.
05:22Here's how bad it got though.
05:25I remember when I was in junior high,
05:26we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated.
05:30And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra.
05:34So we go to a symphony orchestra.
05:36In one of these classical pieces, there's a moment where they bang a gong.
05:40And every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up,
05:45turn to me, and bow like that.
05:49Which is some racist-ass bullshit.
05:53But also incredibly well-coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.
05:5913-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.
06:04They terrify me to this day.
06:07If I'm on the street on like a Friday at 3pm,
06:10and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street,
06:13I will cross to the other side of the street.
06:16Because 8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way.
06:19They will get to the thing that you don't like about you.
06:24They don't even need to look at you for long.
06:26They'll just be like,
06:27Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
06:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
06:29Hey, look at that high-waisted man!
06:30He got feminine hips!
06:31And I'm like,
06:32No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!
06:34When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone.
06:49Because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a little flute.
06:54I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video.
06:57Which is a very old-fashioned sentence.
07:00And it is.
07:01I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video.
07:03That's like when your grandma would be like,
07:05We'd all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!
07:07You're like,
07:08No one knows what you're talking about, you idiot!
07:12You know how you talk to your grandma?
07:13So...
07:16I was on the phone with Blockbuster.
07:18I'd called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie.
07:22And I called for a third time.
07:23I said,
07:24Hey, yeah!
07:25I was just calling to see if you had Adam's family values yet.
07:29And the guy at Blockbuster went,
07:30Hey, lady!
07:31I'll tell you when we get Adam's family values.
07:35But look, I wasn't offended as a boy being confused with a lady.
07:39I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist ass
07:45That works at Blockbuster Video.
07:47Talking to me like I'm some floozy.
07:49I am a proud Asian American woman.
07:53And you will treat me with respect.
07:56I am a tiger mom.
08:00It's wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it's so fun sometimes.
08:03I've written for some TV shows.
08:05And, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people.
08:09Because a lot of people get offended.
08:11Or so it has been explained to me.
08:13I was once, I'll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once.
08:16And I got into some trouble.
08:17I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word midget in it.
08:21And someone from the network came down to our offices.
08:24And he said to me, hey, you can't put the word midget on TV.
08:28And I said, I sure would like to.
08:31And he said, no, midget is as bad as the N word.
08:36First off, no.
08:40No, it's not.
08:42Do you know how I know it's not, I said to him?
08:44Is because we're saying the word midget.
08:47And we're not even saying what the N word is.
08:49If you're comparing the badness of two words and you won't even say one of them.
08:56That's the worst word.
08:59I don't mean to complain about censorship at all though.
09:02Because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television.
09:07It's ridiculous.
09:08You can say anything you want.
09:10And if you don't believe me, you should watch a little program called Law and Order Special Victims Unit.
09:15Yeah.
09:16A show that I love.
09:19Because on that show, you can say the grossest things you've ever heard in your life.
09:24No, you can't say like the F word.
09:26You can't say that on Special Victims Unit.
09:28But people walk around on SVU going like, looks like the victim had anal contusions.
09:35Looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim's ear canal.
09:38Those are two real things that I heard on Law and Order SVU at three in the afternoon.
09:47Both spoken by Ice-T.
09:51Ice-T is a detective with the Special Victims Unit.
09:57He handles New York's most sensitive cases.
09:59I love Ice-T on SVU.
10:05He is fantastic.
10:06He's awesome.
10:07What's so great about him is that he's been with the SVU for like 11 years now.
10:12But he still treats every case like it's his first in terms of total confusion.
10:18Sometimes they'll be in the middle of an investigation and Ice-T will be like,
10:24yo, you telling me this dude gets off on little girls with pigtails?
10:31It's like, yeah, Ice.
10:34He's a pedophile.
10:37You work in the sex crimes division.
10:42You're gonna have to get used to that.
10:44You know how they try and tie in like current events to every episode of SVU?
10:50So there was this episode I saw a while ago that was about sex addiction
10:53because a lot of celebrities had come out as sex addicts.
10:56So the episode's about sex addiction.
10:57There is a scene in the episode where the other detectives are trying to teach Ice-T
11:02what sex addiction is.
11:04And it takes a couple of minutes.
11:08And finally, Ice-T gets it and they cut to him in this close-up and he goes,
11:12Oh, I get it.
11:13You mean like when someone drinks too much or snorts cocaine or bets the house on the ponies?
11:21And I was like, yeah, you got it, man.
11:24And I was psyched that Ice-T understood so that they could continue with the investigation.
11:30But I could have watched another four hours of Ice-T just naming examples.
11:35Just that close-up.
11:38An Ice-T like, or like when someone smokes too many cigarettes.
11:42Or like when someone shops too much with credit cards.
11:46Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries.
11:51Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake.
11:55Or like when someone eats too much chocolate cake and then barfs it up.
12:00And he would just keep talking and it would slowly fade out and say executive producer Dick Wolf.
12:07That'd be my ideal episode.
12:09That'd be a good one.
12:13I also watched this show called Cold Case Files.
12:16On Cold Case Files they solve old murders.
12:19And it's really interesting because what I learned from it is that it was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA.
12:26It was ridiculously easy.
12:28Like what was even going on back then?
12:30What was a murder investigation like in 1935?
12:33One cop would just walk in and be like, detective, we found a pool of the killer's blood in that hallway.
12:39And he would just be like, mmm, gross.
12:43Mop it up.
12:45Now then.
12:47Back to my hunch.
12:50Mmm.
12:52Look for clues.
12:53I'll tell you what we'll do.
12:55We'll draw chalk around where the body is.
12:58That way we'll know where it was.
13:03Also, a couple years ago I saw this movie called Public Enemies with Johnny Depp.
13:06It was about old bank robbers and stuff.
13:08Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the 30s.
13:12As long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
13:18To the point that like those old bank robbers, they take credit for the bank robberies.
13:23Like they come running out of there and they're like, ha ha ha.
13:25And if anyone asks you, tell them it was Golden Joe and the Suggins gang.
13:29And then they like shoot Suggins into the side of the wall.
13:32It's like, what, were bullets free back then?
13:35And they don't even disguise themselves.
13:36They dress up for the bank robbery.
13:40They're rolling in there in like big suits and hats like they're going to church in Atlanta.
13:44They make a day of it.
13:47I have a girlfriend now myself, which is weird because I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave and have walked and talked for 28 years.
13:56I think I was supposed to be gay.
14:02I think like in heaven, they built like three quarters of a gay person and then they forgot to flip the final switch and they just sent me out.
14:08And it was like, you marked that one gay, right?
14:09And it was like, oh no, was I supposed to?
14:11And they were like, oh man, this will be a very interesting person.
14:17This will be a very silly person.
14:18I was definitely gay when I was a little boy.
14:26A lot of little boys are gay, you know?
14:28They're very flowy and they have hard opinions on things.
14:34I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy.
14:37That's not what I mean.
14:39When I was a little boy, I was more like a 67 year old gay man.
14:42That's kind of over it sexually, you know?
14:44I was just like an old queen.
14:46I would come out to the recess yard and be like, everyone get out of my way.
14:50I just want to sit here and feed my birds.
14:57The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball and I'd be like, you want me to do what?
15:06Real quick, this happened pretty recently.
15:08I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village and I was at the urinal and an old gay man came in the bathroom with a walker like this.
15:14And he said this to me, he went, I'm either having a drink or I have to pee.
15:17You're living the golden years, kid, not me.
15:19Like he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy.
15:22It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure if it actually happened.
15:26I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like, did you see like an old man follow me in the bathroom?
15:30And she was like, John, that bathroom's been closed for 40 years.
15:35Whoa!
15:37Whoa!
15:43Where was I? I'm not gay but I might be and I have a girlfriend and she's a female person.
15:48It's going very well, I love her very much.
15:51And so a few months ago she was like, okay, it's going well so now I should meet your parents.
15:57Because that's what people do when a relationship is going well.
16:00They meet each other's parents.
16:02And I've never understood that.
16:04I've never been with my girlfriend and thought like, oh honey, tonight is going great.
16:08But do you know what would make it perfect?
16:12Charles and Ellen Mullaney.
16:15Come on.
16:17Let's get them in the mix.
16:19We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately.
16:22I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people.
16:31My girlfriend's a female and then I had all these friends that are female.
16:34So when I started dating her I was like, oh great, they'll all get along.
16:39No.
16:42Not even a little at the beginning.
16:45I don't want to make any generalizations about women because I don't know about women.
16:49But this is one thing I've noticed in my own personal experience is that I think women can be friends with each other.
16:55But I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other.
16:59I think that sometimes doesn't work.
17:00Like I don't think like you could never put together a heist of women.
17:03Does that make sense?
17:04Like Ocean's Eleven with women wouldn't work.
17:08Because two would keep breaking off to talk s**t about the other nine.
17:13Or not even talk s**t, just say weird passive aggressive things while they break into the casino.
17:18Just be like, oh, I love how you just wear anything.
17:21My girlfriend's wonderful though. I listen to everything my girlfriend says. I don't mean she bosses me around. I just listen to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend I never had someone who's always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening.
17:43Like we'll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like, you ordered your food an hour ago. It should be here by now. And I'm like, yeah, it should.
17:52It's like having a lawyer for everyday life. She'll be like, the bus driver shouldn't talk to you that way. And I'm like, no, he shouldn't.
18:02Before I had a girlfriend, I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being. You could do anything to me. I was just like a young Motown singer. I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick.
18:15I was like, oh man, you're going to give me a whole hundred dollars for all of my songs. Where do I sign, Mr. Barry Gordy?
18:27And now when I'm not with my girlfriend, you can still do anything to me. I will tolerate any treatment. Like I travel alone sometimes, you know, and I'll put up with anything, you know, like I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline.
18:38You know, I don't want to name an actual airline. So let's just make one up. Let's call it like Delta Airlines. So I'll book a ticket on Delta Airlines and I'll show up at the airport and I go, can I get on the plane now, please?
18:50And they go, no, it's delayed nine hours. And I go, okay. And then I go to the bathroom and then I come out of the bathroom and I go, any updates? And they go, yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom because we hate you.
19:07Now take this meal voucher that doesn't work. Go fetch. And I go, okay. And I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and I go, can I have a sandwich, please? And they go, no.
19:20And I go, okay. And they go, you're a little fat girl, aren't you? And I go, no. And they go, say it. And I go, I'm a little fat girl.
19:28And then I go over to the Delta help desk, which is an oxymoron. And I go, can I please go home on an airplane? And they go, no. In fact, we're going to frame you for murder.
19:41And you're going to go to jail for 30 years. And I go, why are you doing this to me? And they go, because we're Delta Airlines and life is a nightmare.
19:52But with my girlfriend, she would just be like, let's see if Southwest has any flights.
19:57So it's better.
20:07My girlfriend is a Jewish woman, which is I did on purpose.
20:12That sounded creepy. I don't mean like, ah, I got one. I mean like, I am not Jewish, but I've always really liked Jewish people.
20:21I just like them a lot. And I really like dating Jewish women. They're great. Because like, I think a lot of problems that people have in relationships are with communication, because guys don't know what women are thinking.
20:32And with Jewish women, you do not have to guess what they are thinking. They will tell you.
20:39Yeah, this is going to get playfully anti-Semitic, so just allow it to go there.
20:44Allow, I'll get in trouble, you won't.
20:48I really do mean this though. I really admire that Jewish people, in my own personal experience, have, are very, like, upfront with their feelings.
20:57You know, they're very vocal about their thoughts and feelings. And I think that's really admirable.
21:02You know, I'm Irish, and Irish people, they don't tell you a thing. Irish people keep it so bottled up.
21:06You know, like the plan with Irish people is like, I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I'll die.
21:11Irish people don't want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland.
21:17It's like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.
21:23I used to date Gentile women, and...
21:28I dated this girl, and she'd just stare out the window all day long, and I'd be like, what's wrong?
21:33She'd be like, you wouldn't even understand if I told you.
21:36What the am I supposed to do with that?
21:38My Jewish girlfriend, I don't have to guess what's wrong.
21:40I don't have to guess what's wrong.
21:41She comes in the room, and she's like, my stomach hurts!
21:46And then we can move on from there.
21:48That's what I mean.
21:49She's very focused.
21:50She's very in the moment, you know?
21:51And that's a good thing in a significant other.
21:53She's very present.
21:54Jews don't daydream, because folks are after them, and they've got to stay sharp.
21:57You know what I mean?
21:58You have to be there.
21:59They haven't let their minds wander since Egypt.
22:01They just stay sharp.
22:02They go, who's that?
22:03Who are you?
22:04What's that?
22:05Put that down.
22:10I'm Irish.
22:11I keep things very bottled up, and I don't drink.
22:14Which is not what you're supposed to do when you're Irish.
22:17I don't drink.
22:18I used to drink, and then I drank too much, and I had to stop.
22:22That surprises a lot of audiences, because I don't look like someone who used to do anything.
22:27I looked like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like 28 years,
22:32and then I walked right out here.
22:34Now I, myself, I quit drinking, because I used to drink too much, and then I would black out,
22:41and I would ruin parties.
22:47So I would hear stories about myself.
22:49Here's a story I once heard about me.
22:51I guess I was 20, and I was at a party at someone's house, and I blacked out drinking,
22:56and someone came out of one of the rooms at this party holding like an old antique bottle
23:01with some liquid in it.
23:03And they said, hey, is this whiskey or perfume?
23:06And apparently, I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said, it's perfume.
23:11And it was.
23:20Another story I heard about myself.
23:22This one happened in high school.
23:24We had this teacher in high school whose kid went to our high school.
23:28His name was Mr. McNamara, and his son Jake McNamara went to our high school.
23:32He was a sophomore when I was a senior, so he was two years behind me.
23:35And Mr. McNamara was an ass .
23:38And one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town,
23:42which you should never do if you're an ass .
23:45And Jake McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher's house.
23:50Hooray!
23:51And everyone around town heard about it, and we all got up individually and thought,
23:57okay, let's go over there and destroy the place.
24:02I walked into this party.
24:04Everyone I had ever met was there,
24:06and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world.
24:09People were drinking like it was the Civil War
24:12and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off.
24:15It was totally unsupervised.
24:17We were like dogs without horses.
24:18We were running wild.
24:21I walked down.
24:24I walked down to the basement.
24:26One day at a pool table in the basement,
24:28one dude took a running start and threw his body onto the pool table
24:31and broke it in half.
24:33Another kid found out which room was Mr. McNamara's
24:37and went upstairs and took a on his computer.
24:45So the party was going great.
24:48I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup.
24:51You've seen movies.
24:52And I'm standing there, and I'm holding a red cup,
24:55and I'm starting to black out.
24:56And I guess someone said like,
24:58something, something, police.
25:00And in a brilliant moment of word association,
25:04I yelled,
25:06**** to police!
25:09**** to police!
25:11And everyone else joined in.
25:13A hundred drunk white children yelling,
25:19****, duh, police.
25:23With the confidence of guys who have like already been to jail
25:26and aren't afraid of it anymore.
25:27You know, that like,
25:28I serve my nickel!
25:29You come and take me!
25:30Confidence!
25:31But white children.
25:35The reason someone had said,
25:37something, something, police,
25:38was because the police were there.
25:41So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs
25:44and got to the bottom in the basement
25:46and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling,
25:51**** the police!
25:53In his face!
25:56And he was almost impressed.
25:59He's like, wow!
26:01And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie
26:03and went, get the paddy wagon!
26:06And my friend John, who is now a father,
26:08this man now has a baby,
26:09he grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground
26:12and yelled, scatter!
26:16And everyone ran in a different direction.
26:18We all ran in different directions.
26:20It was like that scene in Rat Tattooie
26:21when the humans come in the kitchen
26:22and all the rats go in different ways.
26:23We all ran in different directions.
26:25I ran into the laundry room
26:26and I jumped up on the washing machine
26:27and I crawled out through a window into the backyard
26:29and now I'm running through the backyard
26:30and there was this big chain link fence
26:32and I thought, I've never climbed a fence that high before.
26:35And then I woke up at home.
26:41On Monday, I went to school
26:44because that's what we did back then.
26:47And I'm walking into the school building
26:49and who do I see but Jake McNamara.
26:51And he says to me,
26:52hey, were you at my party on Saturday?
26:54And I said, no.
26:55You know, like a liar.
26:57And he said things got really out of hand.
27:02Someone broke the pool table.
27:04Someone took a **** on my dad's computer.
27:09But the worst thing, he says,
27:10the worst thing is that someone stole
27:12these old antique photos of my grandmother
27:14and my parents are freaking out about it.
27:16And I had that thought
27:18that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have.
27:29Did I do that?
27:32I figured, no, I wouldn't have done that.
27:35But I was never sure.
27:37Until two years later.
27:40Relax.
27:42I'm playing video games with this kid named Alex
27:44that we also went to high school with.
27:46Two years later, we've graduated by now.
27:47We're playing video games for a couple hours.
27:49And then Alex says to me,
27:51hey, come here.
27:52I want to show you something.
27:53And he takes me into his bedroom.
27:55And then he takes me into a side room
27:57off of his bedroom.
27:59Never a good thing to have.
28:01And he shows me a tiny room
28:06that is covered wall to wall
28:08in stolen antique photos
28:11from different people's parties over the years.
28:19And I said, why?
28:25Why do you do this?
28:31And Alex said,
28:32because it's the one thing you can't replace.
28:40That's the end of that story.
28:41But how f*** up is that, right?
28:42That's crazy.
28:44So I don't drink anymore.
28:48I'm trying to eat better.
28:49I was out to lunch with a friend
28:50and I got a chicken sandwich.
28:52And the waitress said to me,
28:53oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich.
28:54Well, that comes with a choice
28:55of either salad or fries.
28:57Those were the choices.
28:58Salad or fries.
28:59The two most different foods in the universe.
29:03That's like saying,
29:04what kind of day do you want to have?
29:05Do you want to be active
29:06and go to the bathroom or stuff?
29:07Or do you want to lay on the floor moaning?
29:10Oh, you're getting a chicken sandwich?
29:11Well, with that,
29:12you can either go for a jog
29:13or smoke crack cocaine.
29:16Oh, huh.
29:17Well, if I got a plate of crack for the table,
29:19would you have some?
29:20You'd have crack if I got a plate of crack?
29:22Yeah, okay.
29:23Yeah, we'll take an order of crack.
29:24Sometimes, when people order fries,
29:27they act like it's a little adventure.
29:29They'll be like,
29:30should we get a plate of fries for the table?
29:32Should we do it?
29:33Should we share some fries?
29:34They got to make sure
29:35that everyone's on board with it.
29:36It's like, if I get fries,
29:37you'll have a couple, right?
29:38If I get fries for the table,
29:39you'll have...
29:40I know you'll have fries if I get fries.
29:42Should we do it?
29:43Yeah, let's be bad.
29:44Come on, let's do it.
29:45All right, we're going to take a plate of fries.
29:47It's like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together.
29:53I live in New York now,
29:54and sometimes you see things that can make you anxious.
29:56You'll see troubling things out on the street.
29:58Years ago, I was walking down the street,
30:01and a homeless guy came up to me,
30:02and he walked up to me,
30:03and he pushed me like that.
30:04He pushed me in the chest.
30:06And then he said,
30:07these things in this order.
30:09He pushed me, and he said,
30:11excuse me, I am homeless.
30:14I am gay.
30:16I have AIDS.
30:18I'm new in town.
30:26You're going to close with new in town?
30:30That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said.
30:34As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire,
30:36you had me at AIDS.
30:38Here's how I would have ordered those things.
30:43I would have said,
30:44excuse me,
30:45I'm new in town,
30:47and it gets worse.
30:52Didn't that guy practice his, like, pitch it all
30:55in the mirror that morning?
30:56And just figure out what he was going to say?
30:58You know, just like in the morning,
30:59just be like, all right,
31:00what am I going to do today?
31:01What am I going to do?
31:02I walk up and say hello.
31:03No, that's too subtle.
31:04I'm going to push him.
31:05I'm going to push him.
31:08I'm going to push him.
31:10And I'm going to say,
31:11I'm new in town.
31:12No, no, hold back.
31:13Hold back.
31:15Save it.
31:18Build to that.
31:21I'm going to walk up,
31:22I'm going to push him.
31:23I'm going to go,
31:24I have AIDS.
31:25No, that's too strong.
31:28All right.
31:29I'm going to walk up,
31:32I'm going to push him.
31:35I will start with the fact
31:36that I am homeless,
31:38as that is a given.
31:45Then for backstory,
31:46I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.
31:50Which I know it's tough for gay youths on the street,
31:52but that's not like a reason for money.
31:53You can't be like,
31:54hey, would you help me out?
31:55I'm very gay.
31:56I'd like a few dollars.
31:57I always love how he phrased it, by the way.
32:01He didn't say,
32:02I'm living on the street.
32:03He said, I'm new in town.
32:05Like it was intriguing.
32:07Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody.
32:10Like I have a friend who's like,
32:11there's no single guys left in Manhattan.
32:15And I'm like,
32:16I know someone who's new in town.
32:18What are three other things about him?
32:27Just too anxious for a lot of things.
32:28I get very nervous all the time.
32:30Not even about like,
32:31major life things.
32:32Just like about,
32:33in everyday situations.
32:34Like,
32:35this is my regular speaking voice,
32:36but if I'm in a public bathroom,
32:38and someone knocks too suddenly
32:40on the stall door,
32:41I go into a whole different speaking voice.
32:43Which is,
32:44hey, someone's in here.
32:46Someone's in here.
32:48So they're going to be like,
32:49I think there's a carnival barker in there.
32:53I think someone's trying to drum up business
32:54for a carnival.
32:59I decided to do something
33:00about all this anxiety recently.
33:01I decided I was going to try
33:02and get a Xanax prescription.
33:04I don't know if anyone here
33:05has ever tried Xanax,
33:06but it's fantastic.
33:09Very muted claps for Xanax.
33:12You don't really get woos.
33:13It's more like,
33:14yeah.
33:18I didn't know how to get a Xanax prescription though.
33:22Drugs like that are tricky sometimes.
33:24But I talked to a friend of mine
33:25and he said,
33:26hey, I did this.
33:27He said that he had a regular
33:28doctor's appointment.
33:29And at the end of it,
33:30he said to his doctor,
33:31hey doctor,
33:32sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.
33:35And the doctor just wrote him
33:37a Xanax prescription.
33:38And I was like,
33:39yeah, that's the type of low-brow
33:40I'm looking for.
33:42I'll take your advice,
33:43friend I've never listened to before.
33:45So I go to a clinic
33:48and I go in
33:49and I'm just going to go in
33:50for a regular type of checkup
33:52and at the end,
33:53I'll ask about Xanax.
33:54So I get to the front desk
33:55and they have a
33:56why are you here sheet.
33:57And I want to pick something
33:58that will get me in and out
33:59really quickly.
34:00And I look down
34:01and I see frequent urination.
34:03And I was like,
34:04perfect.
34:05That'll be a super quick visit.
34:07I'll just be like,
34:08hey, sometimes I pee a lot.
34:10And the doctor will be like,
34:11me too, crazy, right?
34:12And I'll be like,
34:14I get nervous on airplanes.
34:17So I checked off frequent urination
34:19and I sat down in the waiting area
34:21and I waited for three hours.
34:22I finally go back to the observation room
34:25and oh, in the observation room
34:26there is a male nurse standing there
34:28and he has a Batman sticker
34:30on his stethoscope,
34:31a Batman necklace
34:32and a Batman watch.
34:34He was kind of moving around
34:35the whole time.
34:36You know, he was just like,
34:37all right,
34:38I am too blessed to be stressed.
34:40Let's do it.
34:41What are you allergic to?
34:42Besides work.
34:43And then he takes something
34:45and he throw it over his shoulder
34:46and be like,
34:47beats working.
34:48Like all of his jokes
34:49were very anti-work,
34:50which is not always what you want
34:51from a healthcare professional.
34:53The doctor comes in the room
34:55and the doctor looks at my chart
34:56and he says,
34:57oh, you're here for frequent urination.
34:59How many times a day
35:00are you urinating?
35:02And I tried to think of a number
35:04that would warrant a doctor visit.
35:06So I said 11.
35:09And that was too many times to say.
35:12The doctor looks at me
35:14and says,
35:15you're peeing 11 times a day.
35:16Then you may have something wrong
35:18with your prostate.
35:19So what we need to do,
35:21some of you are ahead of me.
35:24So I don't know exactly how he phrased it,
35:30but the gist of it was,
35:32hey, if this visit is to continue,
35:35I'm going to stick part of my hand
35:37up your ass.
35:40And I didn't know what to say
35:42because I couldn't be like,
35:44no, that's okay.
35:46I was lying.
35:48It was a lie to get drugs.
35:53You know, like a crime.
35:55So what I did was,
35:58I pulled down my pants
35:59and I walked over to the observation table
36:01and I put my hands down
36:02on the observation table like this.
36:04And by the way,
36:05part of me was like,
36:06whatever, you know?
36:08You know those days when you're like,
36:10this might as well happen.
36:12Adult life is already so goddamn weird.
36:16So I'm bent over like this on the table
36:28and the doctor comes up behind me
36:29and goes, no, no, no,
36:30not on your hands,
36:31on your elbows.
36:32And he knocks me down like that.
36:33And this is so much worse than this.
36:37I don't know why.
36:38I think it's that this has like
36:39a little remaining dignity to it.
36:41You know what I mean?
36:42This is sort of like,
36:43go, stick it in.
36:44I am an American.
36:45This is like,
36:48you're leaning over the edge of a cruise ship
36:50and you're like,
36:51ah,
36:52we are approaching Martinique.
36:56He knocked me down to my elbows.
36:58And then,
37:00he stuck his hand in.
37:04And you know how sometimes you're like,
37:05I bet I know what most things feel like,
37:07you know?
37:09You just think you'll know.
37:12I did not know
37:14what this was going to feel like.
37:17And this was the actual sound I made.
37:19I went,
37:20oh,
37:21but I didn't say it.
37:26Like it came from my vocal cords,
37:28but it was totally involuntary.
37:30It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly
37:33and finally flew out towards the light.
37:41And then,
37:45when he pulled his hand out,
37:48we've gotten to know each other pretty well.
37:50So I will phrase this as delicately as I can.
37:55I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out,
38:01it feels like your cause.
38:04The only thing that's ever come out of your butt before has been .
38:08So,
38:11he pulls his hand out,
38:14and I thought that I was .
38:17into his hand.
38:19So I yelled,
38:22I'm sorry!
38:23I'm sorry!
38:30This is a very routine procedure, by the way, for most doctors.
38:34And so far, he's had to deal with,
38:36oh,
38:38and I'm sorry!
38:44And he didn't even let me off the hook, you know?
38:46He wasn't like, ah, don't worry, you didn't .
38:48He just threw his glove away and was like, ah!
38:52And I was about to ask about Xanax,
38:54but then he said,
38:55alright, your prostate's fine,
38:56but we still need to do a blood test.
38:58So I pulled up my pants and shuffled away,
39:01feeling different.
39:03And he yells out into the hall, he goes,
39:04hey, we're doing a blood test, get in here!
39:06And Batman dances back in,
39:07and he's like, alright, we're gonna do a blood test.
39:10You look different, let's do it.
39:16The doctor left the room.
39:17So I'm alone with Batman.
39:19I just need this blood test to be over, okay?
39:22But first I had to tell Batman something,
39:23I said, Batman, look,
39:24I'm one of those people who,
39:25when you take blood from me,
39:26sometimes I can faint.
39:28And I was in the waiting area for three hours,
39:30and I haven't eaten all day,
39:32and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint.
39:35And Batman said to me,
39:36and I'll never forget it,
39:38psh, you're not gonna faint!
39:40So...
39:43I stick my arm out,
39:44Batman puts the needle in,
39:45I immediately collapse on the ground.
39:48I wake up,
39:49and I am covered in sweat,
39:50lying on the observation table.
39:52I wake up,
39:53I open my eyes,
39:54and I see Batman's face.
39:55He's looking at me, and he goes,
39:56you gotta go!
39:58And I said,
39:59can I please talk to the doctor though first?
40:02Because...
40:04Sometimes...
40:06I get nervous...
40:08on airplanes.
40:11And Batman said,
40:12the doctor's gone!
40:18So I got my stuff,
40:20and I left.
40:21The moral of the story is...
40:25that if you've been nervous your entire life,
40:30you should ask your doctor about Xanax,
40:33because if you lie to him,
40:35he will stick his finger in your ass.
40:39And if you do suffer from frequent urination,
40:42keep it to yourself.
40:44I went to that clinic,
40:47two years later for a different checkup,
40:49and as I was leaving,
40:50who did I run into but Batman?
40:53And he smiled at me,
40:54and he was wearing reading glasses
40:57to show that time had passed.
41:00Thanks very much for listening to me.
41:01My name's John Mulaney.
41:02You were really fun.
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