- 2 days ago
Matt Rife's debut comedy special culminating his first ten years of doing stand-up comedy.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00:00okay what about problematic no toy boy no okay well what do you think i should call it
00:00:14doesn't matter what you call it they're just there to see you naked
00:00:18okay bad boy all right i gotta go i love you love you too all right bye
00:00:30command we've lost control the engines bound to crash the lightning strikes went bright
00:00:50do not go gently it's just my luck you shot my bluff
00:00:59down from a thousand miles i'm falling fast i'm falling fast
00:01:06i want you to rage into the night i want you to blaze into the night
00:01:13before you fireflies before you fireflies
00:01:20i want you to rage into the night
00:01:23okay okay sit down thank you thank you oh man wow some of y'all didn't stand
00:01:33you were unsure i get it sorry i'll earn it that's okay how y'all doing y'all good
00:01:39oh man thank y'all so much for coming oh you guys uh ready to be offended
00:01:48no don't fucking say that and then go on twitter afterwards like oh matt has some opinions of his
00:01:54and end my fucking career okay just want to have a good time tonight all right comedy almost isn't
00:01:59fun okay happen to adhere to everybody's sensitivities since when that shit is so new
00:02:08remember like three years ago when no one gave a fuck about how you felt like three years ago if
00:02:13you were in public and we're like i don't like a stranger would come up and be like shut up bitch
00:02:17and punch you in your chest like ah now i heard on the outside and the inside
00:02:21i feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society man we've gotten so soft like fresh out the pool
00:02:30dick soft all the fellas understand that you get out that cold water you don't even recognize
00:02:36yourself anymore you're like whose dick is this who put a baby dick on me that's how i feel like we
00:02:42are as a society man just on soft it's exhausting so i'm glad we could all come together for a night
00:02:48of laughter it's good to see y'all black people good to see y'all white people sitting in the back
00:02:58how's it feel
00:02:59you're smiling good i'm glad you're in a good mood did you say sorry today
00:03:08did you say sorry to a black person today get your venmo out right now cash out every black
00:03:14person in here five dollars gets you through the rest of the shit we're gonna get these reparations
00:03:21one way or another okay i'm sorry it took so long i just got here all right y'all gotta learn how to
00:03:26take bitcoin or something but we're gonna we're gonna figure it out oh white people been so sorry
00:03:32in 2021 haven't they oh my god it's been my favorite show to watch just white people trying to
00:03:38outwoke each other in front of black people because it'll always start reasonable and then
00:03:42just gradually get out of hand like white person number one will start low like well you know
00:03:48i voted for obama two times in a row you're like all right solid politics okay now white person number
00:03:57two has to top obama so he's like that's crazy i was just talking about how jesus was black
00:04:01like yeah well walked on water probably couldn't swim
00:04:08my checkout now white person number three is gonna top obama and black jesus he's panicking he
00:04:15said some ignorant shit like well medea is my favorite franchise you're like gotcha liar
00:04:20like medea is nobody's favorite franchise not even black people's okay you're a rich
00:04:26i think i go soul plane then medea movies oh it's all this white guilt it's heavy
00:04:38it's starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit i'm like every room i enter is like an aa meeting
00:04:45where i gotta plead my case like i have to enter every situation like hey guys my name is matt
00:04:50just want to introduce myself let you know i do identify as a straight white male and everybody's
00:04:55like i know i know i'm trash but i would really appreciate if you use my proper pronoun the problem
00:05:04what an uncomfortable time to be a straight white male
00:05:15it's a tough time for my people
00:05:19for once you know it's you gotta know when to fold them you know i mean we stay in the game too long
00:05:26we can't be doing that coming back to haunt us hard rightfully so it's just uncomfortable because
00:05:32to be a straight white male in 2021 you're kind of guilty by association aren't you which is a
00:05:38shitty place to be if you didn't do anything like i just turned 25 i just got here you know what i mean
00:05:46like i didn't do anything i'm a new white like give me a chance give me a chance to wipe my wrongs
00:05:53you know what i mean like just want to sing along to some songs you know what i mean
00:05:59just give me a chance it wasn't it's not my fault it's not like i made the conscious decision to be born
00:06:08a straight white male
00:06:10i probably would have
00:06:13historically speaking why not be on a winning team you know what i mean
00:06:18but i didn't get to choose it wasn't my decision therefore i can't
00:06:23i can't apologize for it that'd be weird
00:06:26and you don't have to that's the thing you don't have to apologize for it just be
00:06:31a decent fucking human being is that too much to ask
00:06:35listen to the sound of white guilt oh
00:06:40music to my ears don't have to apologize for it and i won't i'll apologize for being born
00:06:50a straight white male when lebron james apologizes for being six foot nine
00:06:56didn't choose this life just happened to be born that way right
00:07:00and they both have their own set of perks don't they
00:07:02like sure he can do a fucking windmill 360 dunk
00:07:06and i can raise my voice to the police
00:07:09so it's it's a give and a take you know what i mean
00:07:13like i'd love to yam on a motherfucker but i guess i'll just get out of this ticket
00:07:17gotta choose your superpower man life ain't fair for everybody okay
00:07:23make white people uncomfortable
00:07:26check
00:07:27i'm so happy to be shooting this in la i love la
00:07:34i love it because i'm not from here
00:07:41so i have perspective
00:07:43um i'm actually from ohio
00:07:46yeah that's right that that's that that felt as welcoming as it should have
00:07:51man if you've never been to ohio you you don't got them you absolutely don't i don't care who died
00:07:57there send an email okay you do not have to go
00:07:59it's so trash oh my god i'm not even from like a fun part of ohio i didn't get like cleveland or
00:08:05cincinnati nothing fun i'm from the middle of nowhere like
00:08:09our west of columbus surrounded by cornfields
00:08:13country the sticks we call it population like 1500 people
00:08:17like the kind of small town where like the gas stations also the grocery store
00:08:20you know me fuck around get some sandwiches and some diesel you here why not save a trip
00:08:24my hometown was so country man we used to have uh
00:08:28we used to have drive your tractor to school day
00:08:31swear to god you guys remember school spirit week
00:08:35where like every day of the week would have a theme to it like pajama day or twin day we would
00:08:39have one day in that week when like the rich kids will pull up and just fucking flex on us
00:08:45john deere style and the women in my school would just get wet like oh my lord he's got land
00:08:54because that's all people cared about where i was from was fucking farming
00:08:58like you didn't need eight inches if you had eight acres like that was
00:09:02that was the biggest flex you could come with you couldn't compete with a farmer if he's plowing
00:09:10land he could plow your bitch straight up like there's just nothing you could do nothing you could do
00:09:15but it's the type of small town where like life just kind of dissipates you know what i mean like
00:09:25everyone lives the exact same life timeline like you you you go to high school you get pregnant
00:09:33then you graduate maybe and then you get a job get married and so also but then you die in this
00:09:39hometown it's depressing nothing to do there's nothing to do for fun there everybody just drinks and does
00:09:45drugs but not cool like we do it you know theirs is because they're sad
00:09:56it's so depressing man i didn't realize drugs were as big of a problem when i was living there
00:10:03but apparently it's gotten worse um i found out about three four weeks ago this kid who i went to
00:10:07school with he's like two grades older than me we didn't know each other too well there's only like
00:10:10300 people in a school so we kind of know each other found out like three or four weeks ago this
00:10:15kid um od'd from heroin in this town at at his job the same job he got when we were in high school he
00:10:23lived and died there and obviously the whole town got together and they mourned the loss of their dealer
00:10:33no guys don't get weird okay there was no there's a silver lining moment the whole town i swear to god
00:10:39they started to go fund me and they raised enough money so that they could get him a memorial bench
00:10:45at his favorite park which i thought was a really sweet memento you know to provide other people seating
00:10:51to do their heroin i've never done heroin but i imagine you want to sit down
00:11:02okay whatever you guys don't know him okay i'm just giving you a little perspective that i could have
00:11:05been a bench okay but i'm not
00:11:13nothing like where i'm from it's so weird i'm good looking
00:11:19i don't like it any more than you guys do okay this is not good for comedy okay and it's so weird
00:11:25for me my looks are so confusing to me because you guys haven't known me my entire life so you have no
00:11:29context of this but this just happened puberty hit me so disrespectfully late i was ugly as
00:11:39shit for the first 22 years of my life i was so ugly for so long if i would have been on wayfair
00:11:46they would have returned me immediately like i was so ugly
00:11:49no don't oh okay i spent the first 22 years of my life building a personality for what
00:11:59you think i need to be funny now no it's a waste of my time to be honest it's gotten me nowhere
00:12:08oh and it's so weird because when you spend so much of your life as one thing and then you're
00:12:13drastically changing to something else overnight it fucks with you emotionally like i still it's
00:12:19still so new to me that i don't quite grasp it it doesn't i don't see myself that way like i know
00:12:25i look like every boy ever but i do identify as an ugly person so i i think that does technically
00:12:33make me trans um trans handsome transome uh we wait till we get our bathrooms it's gonna be all mirrors
00:12:42a bunch of pretty people doing cocaine it's gonna be dope and y'all can't come
00:12:51it's so weird man it's such a drastic lifestyle change too because people treat you so differently
00:12:57nobody likes attractive people right you assume their lives are easier like there's no sympathy for
00:13:03pretty people at all which is another thing you guys might not know about me is i have clinical depression
00:13:10and an anxiety disorder and you guys are just waiting for the punchline that's how
00:13:15up it is that i that i could come up here and vent to y'all basically being like help and y'all like
00:13:19get your cute ass out of here and it's not funny awesome okay it's so weird there's no sympathy for
00:13:27pretty people no one gives a how sad you are if you have high cheekbones at all people act like i don't
00:13:33have any problems at all i could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like what could you
00:13:38possibly be so upset about huh i bet you're just swimming in it's like yeah but you know what i'm
00:13:48not swimming in self-confidence security believe it or not someone who listens to me i can't even hang
00:13:53myself because my jawline will cut the rope
00:14:01and i'm just on the ground handsome
00:14:08even if i did die it's gotta be an open casket
00:14:11people are like god damn he looks good in a suit that's really nice that's blue is his color that is
00:14:16nice there's no sympathy for pretty people you guys are lucky
00:14:27count your blessings uggos shit ain't sweet up here either okay everybody's dealing with
00:14:31i just want you to remember that remember that next time you're in bed having the worst day
00:14:39crying your eyes out your friends are by your bedside or blowing up your phone like oh my god are
00:14:44you okay is there anything we can do to make you feel better what's wrong just remember it means
00:14:51you're ugly i don't make up the rules okay i'm sorry if you were cute they'd be like get up
00:14:56bitch we're going to the club three milli rocks be right back to it no problem but rules are rules
00:15:06it's weird because it's given me um it's given me the perspective of
00:15:11not judging people based on how they look i'm a big fan of that that's why i like the masks
00:15:19love it you don't know who's ugly with a mask on do you it's kind of a fun game to play isn't it
00:15:24just walking through the grocery store like does this have a beak like you don't know
00:15:28you don't know what people's situations are you got to get to know them before you can judge
00:15:32like you wouldn't be able to just assume i'm a douchebag if i have my mask on you'd have no basis
00:15:36i could walk into any starbucks with my mask on they would just think i'm any random lesbian you
00:15:41know what i mean i could be anybody
00:15:44could be anybody go in like what's your name like matt they're like you are so brave
00:15:48and the code to your bathroom is forcing
00:16:01man the masks made it so hard to holler at people didn't it because you don't know what
00:16:0660 percent of their face looks like that was so dangerous you ever talk to somebody for a while
00:16:11you're like i gotta know you gotta come up with some like cute clever way to give them to pull
00:16:15her mask down say some dumb like have you smiled today you smile you look you i feel like you
00:16:21have a cute smile will you give me a smile real quick and you've been chatting forever and she's
00:16:24been all eyes and she's like i don't know i guess i could give you a little oh god damn it oh my god
00:16:32i talked to you for an hour i gave you my time i had no idea
00:16:39but i like i'm a big fan of not judging people based on how they look
00:16:46because if there's one thing we all have in common every single person in this room
00:16:50is everybody's going through something right everybody in here is dealing with some
00:16:53that nobody else has any idea about i go through all the time you guys would have no clue
00:16:59like one thing you might not know is uh i have terrible luck bad random
00:17:04shit happens to me all the time and uh i'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing and humbling story
00:17:16need a moment
00:17:25uh last year i had to have surgery
00:17:32on my nipples
00:17:40they're fine now you can stop looking
00:17:45last year i ended up developing this freak medical condition like this is so rare it only happens to
00:17:50like 12 year old boys and 80 year old men and somehow i'm both like it's so rare my doctor looked
00:17:58me in my eyes and was like i don't know why this happened to you i was like first of all i'm up here
00:18:03second don't not give me an answer okay it's not very professional it was this freak condition that was
00:18:11causing the breast tissue um the breast tissue under my pecs that bench about 285 8 to 10 reps
00:18:17that's neither here nor there uh it was causing the breast tissue to grow incongruently under my nipples
00:18:26now before your imaginations start running wild let me shut that down right now okay whatever image
00:18:34you're drawing up in your head get it out of there it wasn't anything drastic at all if you would never
00:18:40see me shirtless before you would never even know the difference but you know your body right
00:18:45if something's off just the littlest bit you notice it more than anybody else ever would so it was
00:18:50it was just messing with me mentally like i wasn't i wasn't comfortable in my own skin i
00:18:54wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off my instagram was suffering
00:18:59starts messing with business you gotta get checked out
00:19:02so i go to the doctor and he's like yeah i got it i'm like up so what what do we what do we do
00:19:12and he explains to me it's actually an irreversible condition meaning it'll never just go away you
00:19:16can't take medicine for it you you have to have it surgically removed from your body i was like all
00:19:21right man what's what's the damage on something like that and he explains to me that this surgery is
00:19:26gonna be nine thousand dollars nine racks out of pocket mind you because technically it's cosmetic
00:19:33it's not life-threatening so insurance doesn't cover it nine thousand dollars in the middle of
00:19:39the pandemic which i don't know how much you guys know about stand-up comedy but this is the first
00:19:44time i've been inside in like two years man i've been performing in pickup trucks and k-mart parking
00:19:49lots money has not been good to me i definitely didn't have nine thousand dollars to drop on something
00:19:54that wasn't gonna kill me breast implants are ten thousand dollars so if you think my life is just
00:20:01oh so easy and i have no problems at all you go home and you think about the dilemma that i had to sit
00:20:06with by myself every night leading up to this like god damn am i about to drop nine thousand dollars on
00:20:16something that's ultimately cosmetic and really only affects how i feel about myself and whoever it is
00:20:21that i'm intimate with or do i drop ten thousand dollars get these titties and clean up at the
00:20:31women's olympics are you kidding me if i go full transition it is over for you bitches i don't
00:20:38even run track and field i'm placing bronze guaranteed okay i'm a decent looking dude but i'm a bad
00:20:43bitch straight up didn't need to tell you all that
00:20:54i don't have a sponsorship
00:21:12somebody gonna buy this a white cloth would be like yeah 60 gram
00:21:14i'm gonna be like it's all here bro i don't know i got nothing i'll let you suck one for 30 seconds
00:21:27all right that was weird um
00:21:28when i got this chin
00:21:42i thought things would be different
00:21:45i thought things would be easier i thought dating would be easier no maybe it's me i'm i'm very picky
00:21:54i'm so hard to date i have such a specific type i i predominantly only date older women
00:22:01just personal preference like late 30s early 40s oh my god such a sweet spot oh
00:22:08well not ones who sit in the back
00:22:13this bitch is wooing from her handicap spot in the parking lot
00:22:16i also don't know if you match the criteria it's got to be late 30s early 40s man
00:22:26because women are kind of like cap'n crunch right like they're the best right before they're gross
00:22:32fuck y'all that's a solid cereal joke okay because if you fuck with cap'n crunch
00:22:44if you fuck with cap'n crunch you know it's a very fine window if it tears your mouth up and
00:22:48it's oatmeal okay it's a very fine line it's like 42 apparently who knew
00:22:54some of y'all not laughing because you're sitting there with some grits and that's fine that's
00:22:58a little brown sugar in the front row put your dash on
00:23:09that's how you holler no verbal communication needed i knew what that meant
00:23:18yeah older women are so dope man sometimes i got kids which means i got snacks
00:23:24i'm so easy man i can't cook at all i'll fuck you for a lunchable that's a fact i'm so easy are you
00:23:31kidding me if you have a crock pot i will shut shit down to the best of my ability i don't know
00:23:37i don't know who you were dating before me or what they were doing but i don't want to make
00:23:41false promises because sex is hard
00:23:45it is ladies y'all have it so easy oh never heard that before
00:23:56i fully believe i fully believe women have sex so much easier than men
00:24:04one hoe in the back just like yeah it just opens up it's crazy it just does its own thing
00:24:07dude dudes come out of her pussy like this
00:24:21i think it's so true it's so much less work all you technically have to do is like
00:24:28you know what i mean like that's all just be punctual that's your only responsibility
00:24:32is to be on time because we will start without you that's the only requirement do you do you
00:24:38realize as a man like there's a certain level of excitement i have to get and i have to maintain
00:24:43this excitement the entire time while i'm focusing on a million things i'm focusing on me i'm focusing
00:24:48on you i'm switching positions it's a full court press the entire time you focus on so much that
00:24:54sometimes sometimes you go quick you fuckers leave me hanging on this right now like i'm the only dude
00:25:01who's at my special y'all gonna disrespect me like this
00:25:06y'all ain't shit man oh oh i'm the only person ever to bust fast hilarious you guys
00:25:14y'all ain't shit you know that it happens to the best of us okay this noise need to be a big deal
00:25:22be a big problem about it would you be mad if your food came out early at a restaurant
00:25:27no you'd be like the chef is killing it i got all this time for activities
00:25:37i don't come fast i just respect your schedule okay i know
00:25:45i know you got to take your kids to school in the morning so
00:25:47sex is hard the build-up is fun though like sexting sexting is the most fun oh my god dudes love
00:25:59sexting we're so good at it because we're just lying the whole time oh it's so easy we lie so much we
00:26:08talk so much game of what we can't wait to do to y'all when we see we ain't doing none of that
00:26:13ever at all we're like the jk rowling of dick pics like we just writing fairy tales and
00:26:19shit we are never gonna do to y'all ever we set the bar too high we say crazy stuff like
00:26:25like girl when i see you i'm gonna i'm gonna put you up against the wall i'm gonna
00:26:29i'm gonna fuck you in the curtains like you ain't fucking nobody in the curtains
00:26:34you've been to my house i got blinds you want me to scratch my back up
00:26:37not very practical
00:26:43i lied recently that's how the game goes i was sexting with this girl and like
00:26:50i could see where she was going with it but it was just rude of her to assume
00:26:54like i was sexting with this girl she was like i'm only a hundred and three pounds you could throw
00:26:59me around like i responded as a dude i was like that's right but on the inside i was like that's
00:27:09more than you think it is that's
00:27:13fellas back me up on this for 103 get the oh it's nothing it's light work oh pick me up then how about
00:27:20how about your lower back how about that i haven't done a deadlift since 10th grade now
00:27:26fucking you's gotta be leg day now i gotta you with one of those weight trainer belts that mexicans
00:27:31wear in the gym for no reason mexicans be in the gym doing all arms got a whole back brace
00:27:40like why you got jeans on
00:27:41you said some people didn't like that well it is what it is
00:28:04i know i talk a lot of shit but i'm the problem uh i'm i'm well aware i'm so i'm so picky
00:28:11i have a lot of red flags that i look for that's why like the first date is always the hardest
00:28:16because you look like you're looking for things to not like and that's so tough because there's
00:28:21a lot of shit i don't like i'll list a couple of red flags for it and feel free to tell me if i'm
00:28:26out of pocket for not being okay with some of these things um red flag number one i don't
00:28:33fuck with girls who go on boats
00:28:38it's hoe
00:28:46i feel like a lot of people in here have been cheated on
00:28:50not on lands
00:28:53but i'm happy to have y'all support it's because it's insanity to me if you live in l.a and you date a
00:28:58hot girl for long enough at some point this chick will come to you and say something like
00:29:03babe there's just this guy a friend of mine who who wants to just take me and my eight hot girlfriends
00:29:12into the abyss are you out of your mind why why stay dry why like no people get on boats
00:29:27boats were built for since the beginning of boats people been on them
00:29:34b-o-a-t bring out ass and titties it's been in front of us the whole time it's always been an acronym
00:29:45my girl not getting on no boats no kayaks no canoes no no no paddle boats you're not working
00:29:56up a sweat next to another man not dealing with it that's why women love titanic so much
00:30:01because it's a beautiful story about a chick who cheats on her man with a scrub
00:30:10while her boyfriend is on the ship
00:30:23no
00:30:23you say you like boats get out get out right now you got big boat energy right now and i'm not
00:30:33fucking with it
00:30:38so that's the big one um red flag number two
00:30:43i don't fuck with ouija boards obviously this only pertains to white women
00:30:54and you know what this shouldn't even be a story that i have to tell but it's been weighing heavy on
00:30:58my soul lately so i'll i'll let y'all in a couple of years ago i was doing a show at a comedy club in
00:31:05hollywood and i get off stage and this beautiful girl comes up to me gives me her number this happens
00:31:10all the time and kidding um she comes up to me gives me her number she's beautiful we go our
00:31:16separate ways for the evening the very next day she texts me it was like hey i want to come over
00:31:21i'm like bet still got it you know what i mean
00:31:26so she comes over i let her in go sit on the couch and it's me and her on the couch and then my
00:31:31roommate is down the hall in his room his door is open you can't see into the living room from his
00:31:36room but he hears all of this he's a witness so we sit on the couch and for the first two minutes
00:31:41i'm asking all the questions that guys don't care about um but you don't we don't want to come
00:31:48across so too eager so we've asked silly questions like you know you got a family or
00:31:55you know those your real ears you didn't get your ears like vague
00:31:58that we don't really care about at all so we're talking for like two minutes and then she hits me with
00:32:04yeah um do you have a ouija board and i'm like i don't even have a headboard
00:32:20nah don't don't got that on me sorry and she goes well can we go to target and get one
00:32:28i'm like no i've got disney plus that's what we're doing and she's not giving up she was like
00:32:39well can i make one i'm like what in the demonic charcuterie are you trying to bring into my home
00:32:46right now and i'm trying to hit so i'm like yeah sure if you can
00:32:57find the things in my apartment to make a ouija board go ahead biggest mistake of my life
00:33:05this stranger who i just met starts ransacking my apartment she's opening every cabinet every
00:33:12cupboard every closet going through everything i don't know if you guys have ever seen a video of
00:33:15when a deer accidentally gets inside and it starts hitting everything like it's never seen walls before
00:33:22but she's going crazy she finds a couple of markers to write stuff down she finds this little glass
00:33:27piece to be like the centerpiece and she's like that's how hard she's working she's out of breath
00:33:35we don't have something to make the board and i was like damn you know
00:33:41guess we gotta watch monsters inc yeah well she just sit on down and she goes hold on a second
00:33:47so she gets up and she goes over to the front door she opens the front door and she goes outside
00:33:53and my roommate comes down the hallway and is like
00:33:59and i'm like
00:34:01so he goes over and slams the door shut behind her i laughed so hard but again there's a mission at hand
00:34:10so i'm like all right stop playing so i get up i go open the door it's been four seconds i go i open the
00:34:15door there's nobody out there she's gone so i'm like hey
00:34:29ashley
00:34:34i'm gonna shut the door and once it's shut it's gonna stay shut you're gonna be stuck out here
00:34:38i'm serious amanda
00:34:45all right so i go i swing the door and turn around and straight out of a scary movie this chick's foot
00:34:51bah stops it right before it closes on the frame i was like jesus christ and here comes this chick
00:34:58lugging in this giant piece of cardboard i'm like where did you get that she goes it was just out there
00:35:07bitch no it wasn't no it was not just out there so she brings it in she sets it on the coffee table
00:35:17and we both sit on the couch i'm i don't know where it came from i gotta i lift it up
00:35:22it's from the tv box i threw in the dumpster four days prior this chick brought garbage
00:35:30back into my home to summon the devil so you know the sex is gonna be dope
00:35:48she's looking crazy i'm in i gotta do it yeah you know what i mean
00:35:51i've never smashed a homeless chick before but she clearly brought all of her things
00:36:01she's like all right you ready to make one and i'm like i guess yeah so she draws it out and
00:36:08but before i continue does anybody not know what a ouija board is really you really don't know
00:36:14oh man okay well first of all god bless you you're so naive um
00:36:24a ouija board is essentially it's it's a it's a toy board that you can get from
00:36:30any store like walmart or target or whatever it's uh and people use it to drunk text the dead
00:36:37essentially it's all it's good for and it's very simple layout uh it has the the alphabet right here
00:36:44close center middle of the boards it's where um the centerpiece is supposed to be guided by a spirit
00:36:50to spell out certain words to answers that you ask it so the middle is the alphabet right corner is no
00:36:57left corner is yes alphabet left yes no yes alphabet no so she draws the whole thing up
00:37:07and she's like all right so there's a couple of rules you have to know when you're going to play
00:37:12with a ouija board i was like yeah duh i mean everybody knows that but uh refresh me again
00:37:19she was all right rule number one you never play with it by yourself ever okay
00:37:27rule number two you have to remember to say goodbye because apparently you can't ghost the ghosts
00:37:33so she's like all right let's play okay so got our hands on the piece and she's like all right
00:37:43we gotta ask you the question all right go ahead so all right um okay is there anybody here with us and
00:37:52you just hear my roommate down the hallway go yeah his name is brandon and he fucking lives here
00:37:56it's like touche he pays rent um which do you no so she's like all right i'll ask you another question
00:38:11did anybody die here doesn't move i'm like this is crazy
00:38:17well then you ask it something i'm like okay um should we go lay down in my room oh oh
00:38:35we don't want to piss off the dead do we she was like you're right so we go lay down
00:38:42this chick brings the cardboard in the room with her she sets it at the foot of the bed like it's
00:38:50a golden retriever now we're under the covers we're doing more makeshift conversation you know i'm like
00:38:59you know you got dreams or i don't know what's your favorite picture or you know just vague
00:39:07i don't care about and about like four or five minutes after this she just knocks out like not
00:39:16a subtle like i'm starting to feel a little bit tired like just straight yeah and then
00:39:23like she is slumped and now it's her asleep me under the covers and i'm staring down just
00:39:31terrified of this samsung tv box and all i could think is
00:39:41this bitch didn't say goodbye
00:39:50now i'm terrified up by myself i'm trying to wake her up i'm like hey hey
00:39:56allison
00:40:01hey great she's asleep
00:40:08now i gotta play with it by myself
00:40:13so i start jerking off and she wakes up straight out of an exorcism it was like what are you doing and
00:40:20i was like oh god and i swear to god a spirit left my body and hit her right in the face it's the
00:40:26craziest thing i've ever seen
00:40:36oh god
00:40:38i never saw her again i never saw i'm to this day i'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost
00:40:43that's that's why i can't mess with young people i really can't she was 25 26 just put off of it
00:40:56it makes me feel so much older dealing with somebody like that i do feel older i date older
00:41:01women all my friends are older i fucking hate kids so much kids
00:41:06fucking suck man oh my god they're so garbage i don't like young people at all man we just don't
00:41:14click i'm not on i don't know the apps that they're on what's the what's the one app like literally
00:41:21every kid is on it um no amber alert
00:41:27every kid is on amber alert aren't they it's like man nobody looking for you how many followers you got
00:41:31enough for a search party i hope
00:41:32see this is hilarious to me because i can feel the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right now like
00:41:39i'm the asshole that's adorable okay when's the last time you got an amber alert on your phone and
00:41:44your first reaction wasn't oh shit how do i turn this off how do i uh none of y'all like we gotta find
00:41:52these kids not one person y'all haven't found a kid since milk was in a carton okay judge me
00:41:58it's a terrible app it's the worst app it's vague but i'd be on the lookout for a 2015 silver prius
00:42:05like is he in my uber is this a ride share did i hit pool
00:42:12the alarm's the worst part by far they haven't changed the alarm in like 30 years it's still the
00:42:17same i get so mad when that goes off on my phone i could be standing next to the kidnapper be like hey
00:42:28is it in the settings i go to general notification i closed out of the wayfair app
00:42:35do you guys remember that you guys remember when wayfair was selling other stuff
00:42:47for any of you guys who might not remember wayfair the uh furniture company in 2020 was accused of
00:42:55allegedly being involved in human trafficking and we forgave them pretty quick didn't we they're
00:43:04they're killing it their business is booming right now supply the chairs y'all sitting on right now
00:43:08so if you could please give a warm round of applause for our sponsor bro they came back hot with some
00:43:15deals too they were like i'm sorry five our bad ten i was like these are the ages of the discounts
00:43:21like i just don't trust you anymore i don't trust you it was bad man we found out as a people we hate
00:43:30human trafficking but not as much as we hate an unfurnished patio am i right them umbrellas ain't
00:43:37cheap man no it's not funny it's not funny it's very serious and i do feel very bad for all the
00:43:47families affected by that obviously feel terrible about it but i especially feel bad for the dude who
00:43:55just wanted a desk you know what i mean how many times have you got the wrong order in the mail
00:44:02now you got to get a crib too a lot of money out of pocket
00:44:09it's messed up man you can't support them don't don't support wayfair they're terrible
00:44:15not as bad as ikea but fuck ikea you kidding me they're way worse ikea needs to come with a kid
00:44:24just to help put that shit together somebody gotta hold these sides bro god damn
00:44:30can i go home now i don't know man that's a lot of leftover pieces you sure you didn't skip any steps
00:44:35there's always so many leftover pieces after an ikea project isn't there you look at a final ikea piece
00:44:42like i guess that's it and then you find out you messed up on step eight of 49 you're like
00:44:50i guess we just don't have a bottom shelf it is what it is we'll put tall stuff there
00:44:55guys relax still me remember the dude who's been telling jokes for 45 minutes
00:45:05still just a joke this is why comedy is the most frustrating job in the world
00:45:09it's because this is the only job in the world that i would have to reiterate to y'all what i'm
00:45:14doing that i'm just kidding i don't mean this that comes out of my mouth rappers don't have to do that
00:45:20rappers are literally like i fucked your and killed your family and y'all are just like
00:45:30they don't gotta be like i'm just rapping i'm just rapping y'all
00:45:33i wouldn't do nothing like that i'm david you know me i wouldn't do nothing like that
00:45:39so hypocritical man that's the one thing comedians do have over rappers is freedom of speech
00:45:45it's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy right like you can joke about messed up stuff
00:45:49as long as it's funnier than it is messed up and rappers don't get that kind of leeway it's not
00:45:55fair like if they admit to a crime they did on beat they still go to jail i don't think that's
00:46:01fair respect the artistry give them a chance okay i think if you can make a doper song than the
00:46:05charges you're trying to beat you get to go home i think that's fair i think that's fair all spectrums
00:46:10of crime too okay can you imagine ted bundy in court and they're like you're going to jail
00:46:17forever and he's like well wait till you hear this it's it's a little song i call i eat the
00:46:24pussy up starring j doms because he's a cannibal
00:46:39okay that one was a tough sell that's fine i understand see if we can get y'all back with
00:46:45something a little bit more level-headed we can all kind of get on board with um gun control
00:46:54why not right can't be worse than the wayfarer it is this was way worse if that if that one wasn't
00:47:00your shit buckle up uh this this is a lot harder one to tackle gun control is so tricky because i
00:47:07i i see both sides i do understand i i i understand the amendment everyone's right
00:47:13to have a gun that makes sense to me especially when it comes to things like protection or providing
00:47:17for your family that makes sense but at the same time everybody every not everybody gets a gun right
00:47:28that's crazy you all know somebody you're like this motherfucker should not have a gun right it's so
00:47:34easy to be irresponsible with a gun when's the last time you held a gun and didn't do this
00:47:38shit oh oh oh oh oh people freak out every time like no don't like i wouldn't but would i it's a
00:47:45timeless bit that should have been funny for centuries i think it's so easy to be irresponsible
00:47:52with a gun that i think a simple interim solution would be it just needs to be a little bit harder to
00:47:58get the gun that's all i suggest i think there's so many tiers to responsibility you should
00:48:04have to surpass before you can have a gun that's all i suggest and i'm not even proposing anything
00:48:08difficult simple shit like if you haven't had sex yet straight up no gun okay that is way too much
00:48:18power for you how you gonna pull a trigger before you've had to pull out like that takes discipline
00:48:22and i need to see you in a moment of crisis okay can you handle the power do you realize if
00:48:28something as simple as that was implemented if something as simple as having sex was a requirement
00:48:32for getting a registered firearm what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem
00:48:37school shootings would drop off almost completely have you ever seen pictures of these kids who
00:48:42shoot up schools they are so ugly you kind of get it a little bit like they weren't there has never
00:48:48been a handsome school shooter that they were like ah he was gonna be prom king like never once
00:48:54never no one has time to write a manifesto and get that's science okay it's too much detail
00:49:06look i i'm well aware that school shootings is a very hard thing to try to make funny but we're gonna
00:49:12try and i feel like i owe the explanation as like why would i joke about something that's up and the
00:49:20reason being is it's sort of my coping mechanism i try to make light of terrible situations and luckily
00:49:28through humor so that i'm not sad every day because what's the first thing you do when you wake up every
00:49:35morning check your phone right probably get on twitter or some some sort of news yeah you get caught up
00:49:41it doesn't feel like there's something negative immediately there's so much negativity in front
00:49:46of our faces daily that i can't imagine living any kind of life where i don't have an outlet for
00:49:52that negativity it just festers inside of me it makes me a miserable human being if i have an outlet
00:49:56through humor i'm gonna use it you be miserable not me now i respect that that's not for everybody
00:50:03that's not how everybody's brain works like i had a woman furious one time she stood up in the
00:50:07middle of a show one time when i was doing some other school shooting material and she was furious
00:50:15she stood up and was like you shouldn't do jokes about school shootings and i was like
00:50:23why she was like because what if it happened to you what if you lost your kid in a school shooting
00:50:30incident hmm could you make jokes about it then and i was like this bitch it's like context you
00:50:38know what i mean it's a comedy show clearly everything i'm saying is hypothetical like i'm
00:50:42not talking about this in a literal sense especially because i don't have any fucking kids okay so it's
00:50:47not something i have to think about on a daily basis but it's something i had never taken into
00:50:51consideration so it did fuck me up a little bit i had to take a step back as a man and as a comedian and
00:50:57actually asked myself like it if i lost my kid in a school shooting incident could i ever make jokes
00:51:07about it and the answer is yeah it's a hard yes for me okay that that is for sure how i would heal
00:51:16through that traumatic experience are you kidding me second of all it's my kid that's fucking fair game
00:51:21okay there is no way i'm not killing it at that funeral like he was never good at hide and seek
00:51:29like come on man that shit is too easy bro the kids don't play the games anymore it's easier targets
00:51:36hashtag bring back hide and seek
00:51:47i like this topic only because it's it creates such a divide racially between black people and
00:51:53white people when it comes to the topic of school shootings because it's it's usually us
00:51:58and black people love to joke all the time they love to be like oh you know it's all the white
00:52:05kids shooting up all the schools shooting up the school is a white kid sport
00:52:13i hear that joke all the time shooting up the school is a white kid sport it's funny it's a good joke
00:52:19until you think about the history of sports because if i know anything about the history of sports it's
00:52:25that if white people are good at it now black people are going to be way better at it someday
00:52:38somebody gotta be will somebody gotta come in and change the game
00:52:44some of you aren't laughing because it's fucked up and some of you are because you're like he's right
00:52:48they're gonna be faster they're gonna be stronger
00:53:02and canceled awesome oh cancel culture
00:53:08we gotta chill out with the cancel culture stuff we gotta chill out the spectrum's too broad i don't
00:53:21have time to care about everything because you make such a big deal about nothing that it takes all
00:53:27of my attention away from the stuff we actually should be canceling and actually should be upset about
00:53:32it's so frustrating like just pick and choose man and stop digging up people's old tweets and
00:53:40shit straight up i think it's the most bitch made thing you could possibly do because i'm a big believer
00:53:48that as times change people change a lot of time for the better not always obviously there's exceptions
00:53:54but a lot of the times like there's so many examples of it in american history in and of
00:53:58itself you can look at someone like malcolm x malcolm x spent 10 years in prison for robbery and larson
00:54:05got out went on to become a civil rights activist that literally changed the world
00:54:11maya angelo used to be a prostitute went on to be fucking so funny about that what white
00:54:18motherfucker in the back laughing at what i read in february huh
00:54:35he laughed like he hit like you know what i mean god damn
00:54:42she was a prostitute she went on to become a poet an author another civil rights activist that again
00:54:48changed the fucking world chance the rapper used to make good music
00:54:56it's times change people change right not always feel better i miss acid rap that's all i'm saying
00:55:02um and the reason i wanted to talk about this is because it happened to me a few years ago um somebody
00:55:12who didn't like me went online and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine from when i was 15 years old
00:55:16uh as i mentioned i was born and raised in the middle of bumfuck nowhere ohio like i didn't know
00:55:24shit about shit i couldn't have been more ignorant and anybody who says they didn't do or say some
00:55:29shit when they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret is a liar okay that's the
00:55:34time in your life you're supposed to make mistakes so you learn from them you grow from them you don't go
00:55:39on to make those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult yeah so when i was 15 years
00:55:43old i was going back and forth on twitter with my best friend brendan now brendan and i have been
00:55:47best friends since preschool four years old he's my next door neighbor and brendan also happened to be
00:55:51black so brendan and i were going back and forth on twitter one day and this is when twitter was like
00:55:55the group chat you know i mean you were just saying crazy shit there because it was just y'all you didn't
00:55:59think everybody's gonna care eight years later so we were going back and forth on twitter just
00:56:02roasted each other right he would say something i would say something he would say something i would say something
00:56:07and then he said some that really had me fucked up because when uh when i was 15 i also had ohio
00:56:13teeth like i had a big gap in the middle i had little gaps on the side my teeth were
00:56:19fucked up and brendan says some shit like you're the only person i know who can eat food without
00:56:23opening their mouth and 15 year old me was shook i was like god damn that's you know that's a finisher
00:56:33right there so the rose battle was clearly over so i conceded and i have responded back with a very
00:56:41famous chief keith lyric at the time from the song don't like so the conversation went you're the only
00:56:49person i know who can eat food without opening their mouth and i responded fuck that's that i don't
00:56:56like now if you're familiar with the song you would know i had tweeted the n-word in the song lyrics to my
00:57:05friend and this was incredibly wrong this was ignorant naive and stupid i wish i had never done it
00:57:14and when this resurfaced people lost their fucking mind i'm sorry white people lost their fucking mind they
00:57:25couldn't believe it they thought i had just gotten away with being racist for eight years they were
00:57:29like what you can't say that you're not black you're not in the car by yourself
00:57:38like they thought i just found a loophole in racism and squeaked through the cracks
00:57:42and black people couldn't believe that i knew who chief keith was that was the biggest
00:57:47uproar amongst the black community they're like he fucks with sosa i had no idea
00:57:50it was instant outrage amongst the whites okay and this was such an uncomfortable situation because
00:58:02white people love to be offended for other people it's our favorite extracurricular activity to be like
00:58:10oh oh did you did you did you see they want you to be upset about stuff you didn't you weren't even
00:58:18initially initially initially upset about white people are like pc gladiators just are you not outraged
00:58:26i wasn't now i am and again this is a very tough position to be put in because
00:58:35white people have ruined every excuse in the book to get out of being called racist
00:58:42they ruined all of them and fortunately but unfortunately i fit a massive cliche
00:58:51if you or anybody watching were to take the slightest glimpse into my life you wouldn't have to look
00:58:57far at all you would see that all of my friends are black all of them there's one there's one there's
00:59:08others i swear all of them are black i have one white friend and he's russian his name is vladislav
00:59:16and i don't know how much i know about russians but they're the black people of white people okay
00:59:20they're so dope so
00:59:26to my naivety i'm trying to state my case to these strangers online who don't know who i am
00:59:32or know anything about me because from my perspective i'm like no like what are you talking
00:59:36about i'm not racist if you look at the people who i hold closest in my life the people who mean
00:59:42more to me than my actual blood family the people i love most it would probably fucking die for you
00:59:47would see that they're black like what i did was obviously stupid and wrong but i didn't mean anything
00:59:52malicious by it i would never in my fucking life mean anybody any hate or harm based on the color of
00:59:58their skin that's outrageous to me the most frustrating thing about the entire experience
01:00:03and arguing with these people online was that there's still people who don't believe me
01:00:09there's people right now i'm sure watching being like this is just another white dude trying to get
01:00:12out of another sticky situation and i understand that but at the same time i also don't have to
01:00:20convince you of a single fucking thing i i know who i am i know i'm not racist i know how many times
01:00:32i've jacked off the queen latifah's beauty shop
01:00:37y'all sleep oh y'all sleeping man that's just a classic they so goddamn fine in that movie oh
01:00:41whoo so this is when the conversation got really interesting because the problem shifted subjects
01:00:54the issue started with a stupid mistake i made when i was 15 years old and it shifted to white
01:01:00people now being uncomfortable with my comfortability with black people like they were they were very
01:01:06uncomfortable with it they were saying outrageous shit they would be like uh oh i bet you hang out with
01:01:11so many black people so that you can justify saying racist shit like that for real that's how you
01:01:19think racism and discrimination works all right bet so if i hate gay people i'm out here sucking so much
01:01:24dick just so i can be like oh these homos are disgusting am i right oh my god that's not
01:01:33how racism and discrimination works i wouldn't put myself in that situation but they kept going
01:01:40they got more and more ignorant they're like oh why do you hang out with so many black people then
01:01:45huh what do you want to be black fucking a little bit a little bit it's so much cooler some of the time
01:01:53okay every white person wishes they were black a little bit any white person who says they don't
01:01:58is a fucking liar or a cop okay do not believe that for even a second okay but the silver lining of
01:02:07all of this is it made me do so much reflecting like things that i had never had to put any
01:02:12thought into because there was such first nature to me i actually thought about like i had never
01:02:19thought about why all of my friends are black i had never thought about why i'm so comfortable
01:02:24with black people or why i appreciate black people so much so i did a lot of self-reflecting on it and
01:02:30the conclusion i came to is that nobody goes through more shit and still enjoys life to the
01:02:41fullest more than black people nobody it's so impressive to me and it's such a beautiful way
01:02:49to live your life because everybody's going to go through shit but not everybody can bounce back and
01:02:54still enjoy shit to the fullest and i think it's an absolutely incredible way to live this is going to
01:02:59seem so dramatic but i need you guys to take it into consideration do you have any idea what it
01:03:06takes to have this country literally built on your fucking back to this day still have to fight to be
01:03:13treated like a decent human being and still have time to write a better version of the happy birthday song
01:03:21have you all heard it that's just incredible they got a drake verse on there it's incredible step
01:03:28your shit up white people you had such a head start
01:03:34it's absolutely amazing
01:03:38at its simplest form it just comes down to common interest and common opinion
01:03:42the people who you have in common interest and opinion those are the people you surround
01:03:47yourself with those are your real friends those are your real family the world should not be split
01:03:52into like oh white people do this black people do this if you're trying to do something another
01:03:55culture does you're trying to do something that you're not like that that divides us that does
01:03:59not bring us together and it doesn't even need to be so cut and dry it goes to all aspects of life
01:04:05comedy is like that i'm supposed to come up here say some relatable
01:04:09shit but y'all probably kind of already thought about we make it funny now we have that bond together
01:04:13right but there's still that judgment until we have that bond like every time i walk on stage
01:04:18every dude watching is like absolutely no i got nothing in common with this dude he got bangs
01:04:25like i'm not gonna think he's funny but as soon as i come up here and say some relatable
01:04:29shit that we can agree on like who in here like big titties all those dudes are like let's give him a
01:04:35chance you see see these titties are talking about because we're not that fucking different man
01:04:42stop dividing people just because you're uneducated or inexperienced okay that's why you're
01:04:48uncomfortable that's why you come across as so corny and that's why you're not invited to the cookout
01:05:01i'll bring the potato salad nah i'm just kidding i'll i'll bring chairs it's okay thank you guys so much
01:05:08my name is matt rife thank you so much you guys you guys are fantastic get home safe please
01:05:22and so how do you feel now that you self-produced your first anthem special
01:05:52so i would say this is one that sounds so depressing it's one of the few things in my career i'm proud
01:05:56of um wasn't trl wasn't the challenge wild out didn't cut it sorry black coalition but i had a terrible
01:06:06time i'm happy for everybody who made it happen because we did this with fucking no budget at all the
01:06:18camera crew that's around you guys are so talented and work on jobs that i will probably never book
01:06:24in my life so the fact that they were friends of mine that wanted to help out with this
01:06:28the sound team the set design like we did all of this there was no like official production team
01:06:38involved in it um movie magic you guys this is how you guys should see porn sets
01:06:55so
01:07:00so
01:07:04so
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