- 2 days ago
Known for her sassy attitude and outrageous humor, Oscar winner Mo'Nique takes her side-splitting act to the stage in this hilarious stand-up comedy special.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:01:59I said, if these niggas drop me, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
00:02:05What the fuck am I supposed to do?
00:02:07But I felt like motherfucking royalty up on a little shit.
00:02:11The one nigga in the back was shaking.
00:02:13I said, nigga, go do some sit-ups when you come back and get my fat ass off this motherfucker.
00:02:19I'm just shaking.
00:02:20Baby, I am in Biloxi, Mississippi, home of the motherfucking big girl.
00:02:30That's what I'm talking about.
00:02:32Home of y'all fat asses, baby.
00:02:33This is the goddamn South where we eat what the fuck we want to eat.
00:02:39We eat that real shit.
00:02:42We eat that fresh shit.
00:02:44We eat fresh motherfucking pig.
00:02:46Fuck that store broad shit.
00:02:47We're a killer motherfucking pig in the backyard.
00:02:50Bitch, catch it.
00:02:50Bitch, catch it.
00:02:51Yes, baby.
00:02:54Yes, baby.
00:02:56Yes, big girls.
00:02:57Y'all all out here with your husbands and your dates.
00:03:00Valentine's Day.
00:03:01I see some of you skinny bitches nervous as a motherfucker.
00:03:05Y'all looking all right here at this motherfucking leg, baby.
00:03:08This is a motherfucking leg.
00:03:10Bam.
00:03:12Better lamb.
00:03:13This can knock a nigga here in a while.
00:03:17Tell me, I can't hear it, nigga.
00:03:18You don't need to, nigga.
00:03:19You don't need to.
00:03:20Oh, baby.
00:03:24Oh, baby.
00:03:26My motherfucking people.
00:03:28And you know what?
00:03:28I feel the nervous energy.
00:03:30I feel it.
00:03:31I feel it.
00:03:31You skinny bitches is looking at me like, please.
00:03:34Please don't let this bitch say nothing to me.
00:03:36Please.
00:03:37Please.
00:03:38Please.
00:03:38You know the fuck I am.
00:03:39I'm going to say what the fuck I want to say.
00:03:41You frail motherfuckers.
00:03:44They ain't skinny bitches no more.
00:03:45They frail bitches.
00:03:47Weak.
00:03:49Easily to bend.
00:03:51Bitches is just frail.
00:03:52Big girls, I love every fucking thing about you.
00:03:55And I know some of y'all looking at me like, Moe, you lost some weight.
00:03:57I did.
00:03:58I lost two pounds, but goddammit.
00:04:01Before I leave this motherfucker, I'm going to get him back.
00:04:04Trust when I tell you I'm going to get him back.
00:04:06Big girls, we still sharp as shit.
00:04:09We sharp as shit.
00:04:09And y'all know I keep talking about us because I got to keep on building us up.
00:04:13And I look around the night.
00:04:14Look at all you fat asses up front with your motherfucking men.
00:04:17Look at you with your men.
00:04:18Because y'all know what time it is right now.
00:04:20Y'all know.
00:04:21See, a big woman can do shit.
00:04:23A frail bitch can't fuck with.
00:04:26We can do shit a skinny bitch can't fuck with.
00:04:29We can fuck you all over our body and you've never touched a coochie.
00:04:33That's how bad we are.
00:04:34You ain't come yet?
00:04:45That's how we handle all shit, big girls.
00:04:48That's how we rock our shit.
00:04:51I'm proud of us.
00:04:53Shit.
00:04:54Yeah, oh shit.
00:04:56Hey, bitch.
00:04:58That's my goddamn name.
00:05:00That's my shit.
00:05:01And yeah, I lost a little bit of weight because y'all know.
00:05:03I know y'all read about my shit.
00:05:05I got divorced.
00:05:07Hmm.
00:05:08Oh, fuck him.
00:05:10Oh, fuck him.
00:05:13Fuck that motherfucking leprechaun.
00:05:16That nigga was 5'1".
00:05:17What the fuck was I thinking about?
00:05:19I had to divorce his ass because he was after my lucky charms.
00:05:26Fuck him, baby.
00:05:27And divorce is a bitch.
00:05:30Divorce is some shit.
00:05:31Even though you're ready to get out of that shit, just the word will fuck you up.
00:05:35And I had to go to court with my big time attorneys and shit.
00:05:39My Hollywood attorneys.
00:05:40I'm ready for this shit.
00:05:41I'm ready for this shit.
00:05:42I'm in my shop shit.
00:05:44Standing there like I can handle this shit.
00:05:45What the fuck, y'all know?
00:05:47What the fuck I got to pay this leprechaun?
00:05:51How much?
00:05:54Leprechaun, can we talk about it, nigga?
00:05:55I'm sorry.
00:05:57Can I meet you outside?
00:05:58Shit.
00:05:59He gets half my shit.
00:06:02I called OJ and said, nigga, how you do it?
00:06:05How you do it, nigga?
00:06:06Where's the glove, nigga?
00:06:08Please tell me how you did it.
00:06:11Shit.
00:06:12Shit.
00:06:14Half my shit.
00:06:15I'm like, fuck it.
00:06:17And my kids.
00:06:18My kids pulled me through my shit.
00:06:20Because I'm going to tell you something.
00:06:21After that divorce, you know how you're going to a depressive mode?
00:06:24You can't fucking breathe.
00:06:25You can't eat.
00:06:27What I didn't do to not eat part, because I wasn't fucked up like that.
00:06:30But I was just depressed and shit.
00:06:32I was depressed, crying, laying up in the bed, poured my shades down.
00:06:36I didn't want to see no sunlight.
00:06:38I was fucked up.
00:06:39Because he couldn't have my shit.
00:06:42Half my shit.
00:06:46You just want to stab a motherfucker.
00:06:49Half my shit.
00:06:50So I'm in the bed just fucked up.
00:06:52And my son was like, man, fuck him.
00:06:54Fuck that nigga.
00:06:55Fuck him.
00:06:56You're the strongest bitch we know.
00:06:58Fuck him.
00:06:59Fuck him.
00:06:59Get your bitch ass up and do what the fuck you do.
00:07:01I said, wait with the bitches now.
00:07:04I ain't going to beat you many more motherfucking bitches up in here.
00:07:07But my kids pulled me through my shit, baby.
00:07:10My two sons said, come on.
00:07:11Wipe your motherfucking tears.
00:07:13Fuck no leprechaun.
00:07:14We're going to be all right, baby.
00:07:16That was some shit for your ass.
00:07:19And my boys, they night and day.
00:07:21Night and day, two different creatures.
00:07:23Now my 17-year-old, thug all day long.
00:07:26He liked to fight, shoot, stab, and spit.
00:07:29That's what the fuck he do.
00:07:30That's what, but on that paper, he's an honor roll student, so they can't fuck with him.
00:07:34I said, long as you know your shit on paper, I'm not worried about you wearing your pants down your ass and cornrows in your hair.
00:07:39Long as you know your shit on paper.
00:07:42Now he likes to fight.
00:07:43All the little kids up in the school.
00:07:45Now my youngest son, he 12.
00:07:47He don't like to fight.
00:07:49He's nice.
00:07:49He likes to make friends with everyone.
00:07:58And mom, mom, isn't the birds wonderful?
00:08:04They're so peaceful flying in the sky.
00:08:06And the flowers are blooming so nicely.
00:08:10I'm like, oh, shit.
00:08:13Oh, shit.
00:08:15Fuck them flowers.
00:08:16Fight some motherfucking body.
00:08:18Shit.
00:08:19Where's your toughness, nigga?
00:08:20God damn it.
00:08:23Shit, baby.
00:08:24And I promised myself after all this shit had happened, I was going to be mother of the fucking year.
00:08:29I was going to just put all my time and turn my kids.
00:08:32Fuck it.
00:08:33I wasn't going out.
00:08:34I wasn't dating.
00:08:34It was just about my kids.
00:08:36I'm playing all the goddamn board games.
00:08:38We playing Monopoly.
00:08:39Sorry.
00:08:40Connect Four.
00:08:41They wouldn't fuck with me with Twister because they was nervous.
00:08:43They say, bitch, if you fall, it's over with.
00:08:48This shit is over with.
00:08:50So I'm just trying to do my shit.
00:08:51Now, my oldest boy, I know he fucking because I can hear it in his throat.
00:08:58He left for school one day and that high pitch, all right, man, see you later, came back.
00:09:02What's up?
00:09:02I said, that's pussy.
00:09:05You done fucked somebody's daughter?
00:09:07That's pussy.
00:09:08And I said, well, what do you tell these little girls?
00:09:10How the fuck do you pull them up?
00:09:11Because he's a cute little boy.
00:09:13How you pull them up?
00:09:14He said, shit, my rap is tight.
00:09:16Well, what the fuck do you say?
00:09:18My mother, Nicky Parker.
00:09:19That's all the fuck I need to say.
00:09:21Bitch, I'll get you a part on the parkers.
00:09:23Shit.
00:09:26I ain't mad at him, baby.
00:09:27And I'm going to tell you.
00:09:28Now, black people, I said to myself, I promised myself I was going to keep it real.
00:09:33Whatever the fuck that means, okay?
00:09:35I'm going to keep it real.
00:09:35I'm going to stay in the neighborhood with all other black motherfuckers.
00:09:38I'm going to keep it real.
00:09:40I don't mind helping a bitch out.
00:09:42Giving her some sugar, stick of butter, a gallon of milk.
00:09:48This bitch want to borrow my bedroom.
00:09:49Said, what the fuck?
00:09:51Where the fuck am I supposed to sleep, you begging, bitch?
00:09:54So I said, you know what?
00:09:55Fuck it.
00:09:55I got to move out to the real white folk neighborhood.
00:10:02Some of my neighbors came.
00:10:03Hey, y'all.
00:10:04Hey, hey.
00:10:05But I said, I got to move out.
00:10:07I got to move out to a little gated community.
00:10:09See, I know some of them don't like me, but I don't give a fuck.
00:10:11I live there because I fucking care.
00:10:13And I go there and I represent.
00:10:14I represent.
00:10:15For my black people, I represent.
00:10:17I play my rap music and shit.
00:10:19To three and four o'clock in the morning.
00:10:21And I like that hardcore rap shit.
00:10:23Jigga, what's my motherfucking name?
00:10:26Jigga.
00:10:28Then they call the police on my black ass.
00:10:29And I put on Kenny Rogers.
00:10:31You got to know where to hold up.
00:10:34Know where to fall up.
00:10:37Shit.
00:10:41Fuck them.
00:10:42Fuck them.
00:10:43So, you know, when you move out to the little white neighborhood, you got to put your kids in private school.
00:10:47You know what I'm saying?
00:10:48You got to put your kids in a little private school.
00:10:50Now, my oldest son, when he walked in the door, he said, look, I'm a stabber, a shooter, and I spit.
00:10:56I don't know what the fuck the spitting shit is, but he said, I'm the leader.
00:10:59The little white kids were like, fuck it.
00:11:00You're the leader.
00:11:05We ain't fucking with you.
00:11:06You're leading.
00:11:07We're going to follow you.
00:11:09My youngest one, once again, he wants to make motherfucking friends.
00:11:12We're all little white kids.
00:11:14Bringing them home and shit.
00:11:16Mom, this is Paul.
00:11:19Now, if you close your eyes, you think you're talking to a white kid with my son.
00:11:22I don't know where the fuck he gets his speech from, because y'all know how the fuck I talk.
00:11:27Mom, who the fuck is mom?
00:11:32Like, cut that bullshit out.
00:11:34So, you know, my 17-year-old, he's doing his thing right now.
00:11:36He's dating.
00:11:37He don't really want to fuck with me, and I'm cool with that.
00:11:3912-year-old still needs mommy time.
00:11:41So, every Friday, we have mommy time.
00:11:43I go up to the school, pick his ass up.
00:11:45We go do our little play date.
00:11:47This Friday, go up to the school.
00:11:48My regular routine.
00:11:50He's standing next to his teacher.
00:11:51All the other kids gone inside.
00:11:54She's standing there crying.
00:11:56The whole side of her face is bloodshot red, and she holding his hand.
00:12:00I said, what the fuck?
00:12:05What the fuck is going on?
00:12:07You know, you got to say it to yourself, because you don't want them to hear you cussing and shit.
00:12:10They might put your kids out to school.
00:12:12What the fuck?
00:12:13Hmm.
00:12:13So, now, I got to be professional.
00:12:15When I ask this bitch, what's wrong with her face?
00:12:18What's?
00:12:22Hmm.
00:12:23Hi.
00:12:24Hi.
00:12:26I'm here to pick up Shallan.
00:12:28Yes.
00:12:28She says, well, well, Monique, we have a problem.
00:12:33I said, well, what the fuck is the problem?
00:12:37That bitch trying to be proper, right?
00:12:40She says, well, Shallan hit me in my face with the ball.
00:12:44So, I said, well, why did he hit you in your face with the ball?
00:12:47She says, well, it was time to come back in, and he didn't want to come back in, and he ran into the boys' bathroom, and I chased him, and he hit me with the ball.
00:12:52So, I looked at Shallan.
00:12:53I said, Shallan, did you hit this bitch?
00:12:58What the ball?
00:12:59He said, yes, ma'am.
00:13:00And didn't flinch.
00:13:01Now, my kids know I'm an ass-whipper all day long.
00:13:05I will fuck my kids up.
00:13:07Now, he knew I couldn't fuck them up on the school grounds, because they locked me up twice for whipping his ass.
00:13:11So, he know now I got to be cool with my shit.
00:13:14So, I said, Shallan, why did you hit this bitch in the face with the ball?
00:13:18He says, well, it was time to come back in.
00:13:20I didn't want to come back in.
00:13:21I ran into the boys' bathroom.
00:13:21She chased me, and I hit her with a ball.
00:13:24I said, you know, I'm going to fuck you up.
00:13:28No, not get your ass home.
00:13:30He said, yes, ma'am.
00:13:32And didn't flinch.
00:13:34I'm like, now, see, this white kid's going to get you fucked up, because you think there's some cool shit you're doing right now.
00:13:38You're going to get stomped at this motherfucking playground.
00:13:41So, I'm standing there.
00:13:42He looking at me like, bitch, do something.
00:13:45Security looking at your ass, do something.
00:13:47So, I'm getting furious with his ass, right?
00:13:50So, I says, well, you know, I'm really sorry about your face.
00:13:53If there are any medical bills, please forward them to my attorney.
00:13:56We'll take care of it.
00:13:57She says, yes, thank you, because my vision is blurred.
00:14:01I said, it's what?
00:14:04It's blurred.
00:14:05I know that bitch is going to see that paycheck when I have to pay her ass.
00:14:09So, as we in the car and we driving home, I said, Shallan, when I get you home, I'm going to whip your ass.
00:14:15He said, yes, ma'am.
00:14:18Like, bitch, I heard you the first three motherfucking times.
00:14:21Stop fucking with me.
00:14:23So, I'm driving and I'm gripping the stern world.
00:14:25I am so fucking mad at this little boy.
00:14:26So, when we get home, I said, Shallan, go upstairs and take off all your clothes.
00:14:30I'm going to whip your ass.
00:14:32He said, yes, ma'am.
00:14:35I said, let me get the knife, because I'm going to have to stab his ass.
00:14:38Because now I'm scared.
00:14:39This nigga ain't scared of me.
00:14:40What the fuck is going on?
00:14:41I'm nervous.
00:14:42I'm nervous.
00:14:43Shit.
00:14:43I'm nervous.
00:14:44These little white kids have told him to do some shit to me.
00:14:47I'm nervous.
00:14:49He might try to do something to me.
00:14:50Shit.
00:14:52So, I told him, I said, look, when you get your ass upstairs, take off all your clothes and get in the shower.
00:14:58Don't dry your ass off.
00:14:59When you come out, I'm going to wear your ass off.
00:15:02He said, okay.
00:15:03See you when you come up.
00:15:10So, when I get upstairs, I'm ready to whip that ass.
00:15:13So, he come out the shower, soaking wet.
00:15:15I said, okay, come on, lay on the bed.
00:15:17He says, mom, wait.
00:15:19Wait.
00:15:20Because now that ass is getting nervous.
00:15:21Now you know I'm ready to fuck him up.
00:15:22Wait.
00:15:23Mom, wait.
00:15:25And I'm like, what the fuck is this finger for?
00:15:26Is this some voodoo shit?
00:15:27What the fuck?
00:15:30Weeds, mom.
00:15:32Weeds.
00:15:33Now, I know what I did was wrong.
00:15:35It was wrong.
00:15:36What I did was wrong.
00:15:38It was wrong.
00:15:39It was wrong.
00:15:41But when I was in the bathroom, I heard this little voice right here.
00:15:46And it said, do something bad.
00:15:48Do something bad.
00:15:50I said, what the fuck did you hear?
00:15:53Because now I'm like, oh, this little nigga's hand shit.
00:15:55He might try to eat me or something.
00:15:56Shit.
00:15:58So, now I panicked, baby.
00:15:59I said, look, look, look.
00:16:00Just stay in your room.
00:16:01Stay in your room, you crazy motherfucker.
00:16:04Oh, shit.
00:16:05He gonna eat me.
00:16:06Lord Jesus, would I do wrong?
00:16:08Shit.
00:16:09I only got hired twice when I was pregnant with his ass.
00:16:12I swear to God.
00:16:13So, now I'm nervous.
00:16:14I'm nervous.
00:16:15So, I get on the phone and I call my brother.
00:16:17Now, my brother is a man who can fix shit.
00:16:19He just fixes shit.
00:16:21Whatever the fuck your situation is, you call Steve Irons.
00:16:24He will fix your shit.
00:16:26You got bad credit?
00:16:27Call Steve.
00:16:28Don't ask me what the fuck he do, but you can buy a house the very next day.
00:16:32No down payment.
00:16:33This nigga fixes shit.
00:16:34So, I call Steve.
00:16:36I say, Steve, you got to come over because the baby is in.
00:16:39The people telling him to do bad shit.
00:16:42He said, well, where are the people?
00:16:43I said, I can't see them motherfuckers.
00:16:45That's why I'm so nervous calling your black ass.
00:16:48So, I said, well, I'm on my way.
00:16:49Now, he get to the house.
00:16:51He go upstairs.
00:16:52They locked himself in the room.
00:16:53They locked in there for about two hours.
00:16:55I'm like, okay, he getting the demons out of him.
00:16:57He getting them demons up off of him.
00:16:59Get him.
00:16:59Get him.
00:16:59Fix it.
00:17:00Steve, fix it.
00:17:00Because I'm scared.
00:17:01I'm scared this little nigga.
00:17:02I'm going to have to put him away in the little hospital.
00:17:04With a white jacket.
00:17:05I don't want to do that to my son.
00:17:07What the fuck?
00:17:08So, Steve would come out the room and say, Monique, look.
00:17:10Now, I don't know what the fuck is going on.
00:17:13But this nigga, he ends up.
00:17:15In about two hours, he going to fuck everything up in here.
00:17:18Now, I'm going to leave.
00:17:19You can come with me if you want to.
00:17:20Because I don't trust his ass up in here.
00:17:22I'm nervous my dams up.
00:17:23This one I can't fix.
00:17:25So, now, I can't leave his ass because it's my child.
00:17:27You know, you got to love your kid.
00:17:29And no parent, especially a black parent, wants to admit the kid is fucked up mentally.
00:17:33So, I'm sitting on the side of the bed like, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
00:17:36This nigga's in there hearing people.
00:17:38He might be talking to somebody right now.
00:17:39I'm plotting some shit to fuck me up in here.
00:17:41I'm nervous.
00:17:42I'm nervous.
00:17:43So, I slept with my back that night in case a nigga ran up in the room and tried to do
00:17:47some shit to me.
00:17:48I just said, fine, nigga.
00:17:49Go on.
00:17:49Go on.
00:17:50Shit.
00:17:51Get back.
00:17:51So, all weekend, I couldn't get him an appointment until Tuesday because it's Friday.
00:17:56The doctor said, bring him Tuesday.
00:17:58So, all weekend, I'm scared as shit.
00:18:01I'm panicking.
00:18:02I'm fixing his ass whatever the fuck he want to eat.
00:18:04I'm making pancakes 4 o'clock in the morning.
00:18:06I am rollerblading down hills and shit.
00:18:09No fucking helmet because the voices told him I shouldn't wear helmets.
00:18:12He wanted to see my hair fly in the wind.
00:18:14I'm like, this nigga's trying to kill me.
00:18:16But I got to do that.
00:18:17I got to do that as his parent.
00:18:18So, come Monday, I said, listen, Shalon, you don't have to go to school, baby, because
00:18:24I don't want the voices to tell you some shit and you fuck up everybody on the playground.
00:18:29You just stay home.
00:18:30Stay home.
00:18:31He says, mom, no.
00:18:33The voices said I should go to school and learn all I can and get my education.
00:18:39I said, was that what the voices told you?
00:18:41Did they say that?
00:18:42He said, yes, mom.
00:18:43I said, well, come on.
00:18:44Put your shit on.
00:18:45We're going to school.
00:18:46Oh, baby, as I'm driving to school, I keep my club under my seat.
00:18:51And I'm gripping that motherfucking club and I drive a stick.
00:18:54Don't ask me how I got there because I was fucked a stick.
00:18:57I went all the way to a school in first gear.
00:18:58I wasn't shifting gears.
00:19:00I wasn't doing shit because I'm nervous this little nigga going to jump on me or something,
00:19:04try to bite me or some shit.
00:19:05So when he get to school, and if you've ever seen my son, he's a dark chocolate little boy
00:19:11with big eyes and a smile that will make you fucking melt.
00:19:14So we get to his school and he gets out and he says, mom, I want to thank you for loving
00:19:19me unconditionally.
00:19:21And together we'll get through this as a family.
00:19:24I said to myself, you better hope so, you crazy motherfucker.
00:19:28Because if not, your ass can't come back home.
00:19:30They picking you up today.
00:19:32I'm not going to be scared when I pay the fucking bills.
00:19:34Fuck that.
00:19:35No, no.
00:19:37So I get home and I'm crying and I'm praying and my spirit said, cut your TV on.
00:19:43So I cut the TV on.
00:19:43I'm thinking I'm going to turn to a little religious channel or something, see a little
00:19:46Creflo Dollars and shit, trying to sell one of the cloths.
00:19:49I can get one of the cloths, you know, and make shit go away for $25.
00:19:53Okay, Creflo.
00:19:57I ain't mad at you, player.
00:19:59So I'm watching a little TV and the Cartoon Network is on after the commercial.
00:20:06So I'm going to turn to a channel, but my spirit said, no, keep it here.
00:20:11So I'm watching and the rug ratch is on.
00:20:14Now, I don't fuck with cartoons.
00:20:15That ain't my shit.
00:20:16But my spirit would not let me change the fucking channel.
00:20:19And as I'm watching the rug ratch, that little evil bitch Angelica, that is the evilest TV
00:20:25bitch I have ever seen in the history of TV.
00:20:29They need to stab that little evil bitch.
00:20:30She's evil.
00:20:31But she was telling her parents the same fucking story.
00:20:36There were these little voices.
00:20:38And they said, do something bad.
00:20:40Do something bad.
00:20:42I said, ain't this a bitch?
00:20:44That little nigga got my ass.
00:20:49Baby, I flew up to his school and pulled his ass out of class.
00:20:53Shalana heard the voices.
00:20:54And they told me to whip your ass.
00:20:58Baby, I beat the shit.
00:21:01They locked me up.
00:21:01But fuck it, I had to prove a point to that ass.
00:21:04I was so fucking mad.
00:21:06Shit.
00:21:07I am sweating up on this goddamn stage.
00:21:10Can I hold one of your napkins, please, baby girl?
00:21:13Thank you, precious.
00:21:14Thank you, baby lamb.
00:21:17Here you go.
00:21:19Oh, bitch, don't act new, bitch.
00:21:23Thank you so much, baby.
00:21:24Here you go.
00:21:25Thank you, baby.
00:21:26Oh, shit.
00:21:27Oh, shit.
00:21:28I don't know, man.
00:21:30Kids are just fucking amazing.
00:21:31And we don't give them the credit that they deserve.
00:21:34Your kids will pull you through some shit that you didn't think you could get the fuck through.
00:21:39Because you got to keep on going on.
00:21:41Like, sometimes when I go off the road, when I come home, I just go in their rooms and cut the light on.
00:21:45And watch them sleep.
00:21:47Like, that's my little creation.
00:21:48That's my shit.
00:21:49That's the shit that came out of here.
00:21:51That's my little motherfuckers right there.
00:21:53Sleep on, little nigga.
00:21:54Sleep on.
00:21:54Sleep the fuck on, you hungry bastards.
00:21:57Ain't working no goddamn way.
00:21:59And they growing so fucking fast.
00:22:01But I'm like, y'all do your thing.
00:22:03That's why I get sick to my stomach when people fuck with kids.
00:22:06I have no patience for that shit.
00:22:08No tolerance.
00:22:09Fuck that.
00:22:10Kids are so fucking innocent.
00:22:12Like that R. Kelly shit.
00:22:14Fuck R. Kelly, baby.
00:22:16Fuck him.
00:22:17Fuck him if he did do it.
00:22:19Fuck him.
00:22:19He done fucked that little 14-year-old girl.
00:22:22Then he peed all up in her face.
00:22:23What kind of nasty shit is that?
00:22:27That's some new shit.
00:22:28Nigga, are you peeing on me?
00:22:31That is some nasty shit.
00:22:35If he did do it, they need to lock his bitch ass up in a jail cell with two big buck motherfuckers
00:22:41named Leroy and Sambo and bent his ass over and fucked the shit out of him while he sings,
00:22:47I believe I can fly.
00:22:48I believe I can fly.
00:22:51Mmm.
00:22:58Shit.
00:23:00Shit.
00:23:01Michael Jackson 2.
00:23:04Y'all know he fucked with them jail.
00:23:06And he fucked that monkey Bubbles.
00:23:07Y'all ain't seen Bubbles no more
00:23:09since that shit came out
00:23:10since that shit came out.
00:23:11Because Bubbles's toe on his ass.
00:23:12Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:16Talkin' about.
00:23:18Fuck him that obeys motherfucker.
00:23:22We scared of her ass.
00:23:23That's what it is.
00:23:25Shit.
00:23:25Talkin' about.
00:23:29Bubbles has gone off to the wildlife.
00:23:31No, nigga, you fuck Bubbles. That's where it is. Bubbles might be pregnant.
00:23:40Oh, shit, I'm just playing, Michael. When you watch this, I don't want Jermaine calling me.
00:23:46Hey, that's not cool.
00:23:52Some shit tickled the fuck out of me, baby. Oh, God. Oh, God.
00:23:56But, you know, I told my kids, I said, listen, I'm not dating. I'm not doing nothing. Get used to me.
00:24:04I'm staying home. I'm going to handle my business with y'all. We're going to do mommy and son shit.
00:24:09That's what we're going to do. Now, my oldest boy, I can see the frustration in his face like, what in the fuck?
00:24:15Don't she take her ass the fuck out of here? So my son said, my look, go on a date.
00:24:20Go meet a nice little fella. You know, go meet somebody wonderful. We're going to treat you good.
00:24:23I said, no, because I don't want y'all to think mommy know who or nothing.
00:24:29You know, little fella coming out the bathroom when y'all get up to go to school.
00:24:32I don't want to do that. I'm going to just be a good mother.
00:24:36My oldest son said, please, please go out on a date because I got a bitch upstairs right now.
00:24:41She's scared to come down here because you want to play motherfucker Monopoly.
00:24:44Please take your fat ass out on a date. We are begging your ass.
00:24:49And you know what? Hold this, baby girl. I don't know what it is about me and men.
00:24:53And, you know, normally, sisters, we don't know we made a bad choice until about six months later.
00:24:57And you find out this motherfucker is crazy.
00:24:59Or maybe it's me. I don't know how the fuck it's working.
00:25:01But this shit just falls apart.
00:25:03Now, my first husband was a boxer.
00:25:06And nigga used to like to fight on me. Like to fight on me.
00:25:09And I could handle it there, so he gave me a kidney blow and fucked up him.
00:25:14I said, ring the bell, nigga. You're not playing fair enough shit.
00:25:17Ring the bell. Ring the bell.
00:25:19Now, my second husband, he was a leprechaun.
00:25:21He's a little leprechaun.
00:25:23And y'all know I was going to get married again.
00:25:25Find out this motherfucker is a dope thing.
00:25:28What the fuck is that about?
00:25:30I'm at the awards. Get ready to accept an award.
00:25:34And if y'all watch the show real carefully, watch my mouth.
00:25:37Because they couldn't edit this shit out.
00:25:38I'm like, you know, I just want to thank God and thank my parents and my kids.
00:25:43And as I'm saying my speech, this nigga is going on a nod.
00:25:47Now, anybody who knows a heroin addict, they mouth fall down.
00:25:51They get to spitting and shit.
00:25:53And I'm like, I want to thank everybody.
00:25:55What the fuck?
00:25:56This nigga is nodding.
00:26:02And a heroin addict will not hit the ground.
00:26:05I don't know what the fuck it is about heroin.
00:26:07They will not hit the fucking ground.
00:26:09They will nod.
00:26:20Yeah, so like I was saying, players, yeah.
00:26:22I'm like, did this motherfucker come back into a conversation?
00:26:26What the fuck is wrong?
00:26:28Shit.
00:26:29And you know how you're with somebody for so long?
00:26:31Like my second husband, we was together about 10 years.
00:26:33You're with him for so long, you're used to him seeing you naked and shit.
00:26:35All your shit just hanging out.
00:26:37You're used to that.
00:26:38Just walk around the house, just buck naked, scratching your shit.
00:26:41How was your work today?
00:26:42How was work?
00:26:43How was work?
00:26:44Yeah.
00:26:45And just letting your shit hang out and be free with your shit
00:26:47till you meet a new nigga and he ain't used to seeing all your shit at one time.
00:26:51And he cut the lights on.
00:26:52You try to suck in?
00:26:53Hmm.
00:26:55Hmm.
00:26:56Cut the lights on, nigga.
00:26:57Cut the lights on.
00:26:58I'm going to pass out of this motherfucker.
00:27:08Oh, shit.
00:27:09Oh, shit.
00:27:11Oh, shit.
00:27:12And you know, I started dating again.
00:27:15I said, fuck it.
00:27:15I just want to start dating.
00:27:16And I want to just meet an everyday, regular, nine-to-five brother.
00:27:21I don't want no special shit.
00:27:23I don't want nobody in the business.
00:27:25I don't want no fuckbody, no big baller, shot caller.
00:27:28I just want a regular, sweetheart of a man who's going to treat me good.
00:27:32And I want a big old nigga.
00:27:33I can't deal with no more little niggas.
00:27:35I want a big old 300-pound motherfucker who can pick me the fuck up, walk me around, bust a bitch in the head.
00:27:42That's the kind of shit.
00:27:43Oh, shit.
00:27:45Oh, shit.
00:27:46Oh, I'm with you, nigga.
00:27:47I'm bleeding, but that's all right, motherfucker.
00:27:48That's the kind of shit that I'm looking for.
00:27:53That kind of old special shit.
00:27:55So I'm driving one night, going to the Popeyes.
00:27:57That's my favorite place to be.
00:27:59And I meet the manager.
00:28:00We start dating.
00:28:02I'm like, this is real convenient.
00:28:03He work at the Popeyes.
00:28:04He can bring me a little three-piece home when he get off.
00:28:07We can talk about how his shift went.
00:28:09You know, talk about his employees and shit.
00:28:11And we dated for about a month.
00:28:13Had a wonderful relationship.
00:28:16Till he asked the dreadful question.
00:28:17How much you make.
00:28:20I said, come on, play it on.
00:28:22Don't do that because you're going to think I'm trying to disrespect you if I tell you how much I make.
00:28:27Let's just keep our relationship the way it is.
00:28:29You bring me home to check, yeah?
00:28:31You know.
00:28:32Just please, don't fuck it up.
00:28:34We enjoying each other right now.
00:28:36Don't do that bullshit.
00:28:37So, you know, he was like, well, no, you know, because if you really think about it, we equal.
00:28:44No, nigga, no, we not.
00:28:46You work at Popeyes.
00:28:49I work on the Parkers.
00:28:51That shit ain't equal, nigga.
00:28:53No.
00:28:54So, I got fucking mad.
00:28:55I said, you know what?
00:28:56This ain't working.
00:28:57I need to meet a brother who financially ain't worried about my shit.
00:29:00So, I called my girl some more.
00:29:02I said, look, now I'm back out there again.
00:29:05And I need to meet me a nice little fella who got his own money.
00:29:09What the fuck I'm supposed to do?
00:29:11She said, now, bitch, I'm going to tell you what you need.
00:29:13You need you a big baller, shot caller.
00:29:16Whatever the fuck that means.
00:29:19Okay.
00:29:20I'm going to try to find me a big baller, shot caller.
00:29:22So, she said, look, this is what you got to do.
00:29:24Now, you're from Baltimore.
00:29:26Fly to Baltimore.
00:29:27Go down to where the Ravens do their practice.
00:29:30Stand on the sideline in your best shit.
00:29:33Now, you might get tackled, but that's the sacrifice you got to make.
00:29:36To meet you a big baller, shot caller.
00:29:38So, I'm on the sideline of my best shit.
00:29:40And sure enough, I get tackled twice.
00:29:42And I fucked up one of the players back.
00:29:43Because when I rolled over, that nigga didn't know I had it like that.
00:29:47Fucked his back up.
00:29:49And he's one of they star players.
00:29:51So, he didn't play a lot this season.
00:29:52And I felt real bad for the team.
00:29:54But fuck it.
00:29:54I didn't do much shit.
00:29:56So, sure enough, when he got up.
00:29:58You know, and I helped him up.
00:29:59I apologized.
00:30:00I said, you know, I'm sorry, player.
00:30:01Fuck it.
00:30:02Pick your back up and everything.
00:30:03But I came out here to watch y'all practice.
00:30:05He said, now, I appreciate that.
00:30:07And I want to tell you, I've been following your career since 1989.
00:30:12I'm looking like, really?
00:30:14Hmm.
00:30:15But I can't let him know I'm impressed with his shit.
00:30:17I'm like, okay, yeah, because I'm shit.
00:30:19I'm shit.
00:30:19Shit, I'm on TV too, nigga.
00:30:21You ain't special.
00:30:22So, I'm sitting there looking at him like, mm-hmm.
00:30:24He said, now, look, let me tell you something, Monique.
00:30:26You can't be fucking with the manager at the Popeyes.
00:30:29I'm like, how the fuck he know about the Popeyes, nigga?
00:30:35In case he was following my shit, right?
00:30:36So, I'm really impressed.
00:30:37Like, shit, this motherfucker is following me.
00:30:40He digging my shit.
00:30:41So, I said, okay.
00:30:42He said, listen.
00:30:43I got to go out of town.
00:30:44Thank you, baby.
00:30:45Tomorrow.
00:30:46But when I get back next week, I'm going to pick you up at 8 o'clock in the morning.
00:30:50And I'm going to deliver you back the next day at 8 o'clock in the morning.
00:30:54Now, I'm sitting there listening, just getting hot.
00:30:58Hmm.
00:31:00Like, nigga, I will fuck that raven off of your jersey.
00:31:03You.
00:31:04You fucking want a player, boy.
00:31:05You don't know me like that.
00:31:07You fucking want a player.
00:31:08I'm a team player.
00:31:10For the team, nigga.
00:31:11For the team.
00:31:12I will do this for the team.
00:31:15So, as he's talking to me, he says, now, listen.
00:31:17When I pick you up, I'm going to show you how a real lady is supposed to be treated by a real man.
00:31:23And I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at him like, okay.
00:31:29Whatever you want to do, player, I'm going to be with you.
00:31:33Sure enough, he comes back in town, picks me up at 8 o'clock in the morning.
00:31:36He has a white Bentley, white leather seats.
00:31:39Now, when I come out of my house, he has the red carpet rolled out with red and white rose petals on the fucking carpet.
00:31:48So, now, y'all know a bitch is melting as I'm walking.
00:31:51Like, oh, nigga.
00:31:52Oh, nigga.
00:31:54Oh.
00:31:55I'm trying to, you know, just act cool with my shit.
00:31:57So, he takes me to a spa.
00:32:00Now, when I get to this spa, I get manicure, pedicure, hair done.
00:32:03But I get a three-hour massage.
00:32:06He stands in the corner and watches, never, ever says a word, does not touch me.
00:32:14And I got my face down in a little hole, saying, just jump on my back.
00:32:19Just jump on my back.
00:32:22Please jump on my back.
00:32:24I'm a linebacker, nigga, can't you tell?
00:32:26Jump on my back.
00:32:29Never, never move was the perfect gentleman.
00:32:31So, when I got up, he told the masseuse to leave the room, and he watched me dress.
00:32:38Never once wanted to cut the lights out.
00:32:40He said, I want to see you and your nakedness.
00:32:44Okay.
00:32:46You want to get 50 more minutes on this table, nigga?
00:32:49So, I'm like, cool.
00:32:50So, he says, listen, at 6 o'clock tonight, I'm going to pick you up and take you out to dinner.
00:32:55And I'm going to take you where only queens and kings should go, because you've never had that kind of treatment.
00:33:02So, sure enough, 6 o'clock, he picks me up.
00:33:04I'm in my finest shit.
00:33:06I get in the car.
00:33:07He pulls up at this French cuisine restaurant.
00:33:11And I say, God, please, let the menus be an American, because I don't want this nigga to know I can't read the French shit.
00:33:22So, I try to impress him and say, oui, oui, nigga.
00:33:26Oui, oui.
00:33:27So, we get in the restaurant, and sure enough, all the shit is in French.
00:33:31So, now, I got to put on my player hat and let him know I'm a player.
00:33:35I said, hey, my king, you need to order for me, because that's how real kings do it.
00:33:43But I'm nervous as shit, because I don't know what the fuck he going to order.
00:33:47So, he called to snap the guy over.
00:33:50He comes over, and he start talking in the French.
00:33:53Now, when the guy walk away, he says, Monique, I've ordered you the duck a la orange.
00:33:58Hmm?
00:34:01The duck a la orange.
00:34:05Now, I don't eat that kind of shit, because it don't digest right in my system.
00:34:09I'm a pork chop kind of girl all day long, baby.
00:34:13I don't eat that kind of foo-foo-boo-boo shit.
00:34:16It just don't sit right in my system.
00:34:19So, I said, oh, shit.
00:34:22So, when it comes to the table, he feeds me.
00:34:25And he feeds me every fucking piece of that duck a la orange.
00:34:32With all the sauce and everything.
00:34:36He's scraping the sauce up.
00:34:38Like, because he know big girls like the sauce with their meat.
00:34:42So, he done scraped up all the sauce.
00:34:44And I done sat there and ate all of the duck a la orange.
00:34:49And after about 30 minutes, that a la orange got the swimming round in my stomach.
00:34:58I said, oh, Lord.
00:35:01Oh, I got a shit.
00:35:03And ladies, you know how you get that shit look?
00:35:13And I'm sitting there looking at him like, okay, nigga, okay.
00:35:17Wrap it up.
00:35:19Now, I couldn't go into the bathroom and the restaurant.
00:35:22Because we sat there so long, everybody had left.
00:35:24So, if I go in there to shit, they're going to know it was Nicky Parker.
00:35:27Who went in there and fucked the bathroom up.
00:35:29And fucked up their plumbing.
00:35:31So, I'm sitting there, sisters.
00:35:32And I'm panicking.
00:35:33I'm panicking.
00:35:33Because all the orange, mm, mm.
00:35:37Okay, okay, okay.
00:35:41So, when we get up to leave, I got to be quick on my feet.
00:35:45I got to be quick with my shit.
00:35:46When we get up to leave, I just squeezing my ass together as tight as I could.
00:35:55His ass think I'm doing a new dance or something.
00:35:57No, nigga.
00:35:58This the shit hole.
00:35:59This the shit hole right there.
00:36:00This is called hole in the shit.
00:36:02Hole in the shit.
00:36:04So, when I sat in the car, baby, I got to be quick.
00:36:07Now, he got white leather seats.
00:36:08So, you know, I'm saying to myself, mm, mm.
00:36:12I got to get this duck up out of me.
00:36:14Because I don't want to fuck up his seats.
00:36:15And I got to get the duck up out of me before we get home.
00:36:17Because I know he want to give me a special treat.
00:36:19And I don't want the duck to smack him in his lips.
00:36:24Talking about quiet, quiet, nigga.
00:36:26Quiet.
00:36:27So, I'm trying to be considerate of his ass.
00:36:39Like, just hold on.
00:36:41Hold on.
00:36:41So, when I get in the car, I say, okay, Monique, you got to be quick.
00:36:44You got to be quick on your feet.
00:36:45You got to be quick on your feet.
00:36:47You didn't quick about your shit.
00:36:48What the fuck you going to do?
00:36:49I said, well, that's what I'm going to do.
00:36:50When he let me in and go around and get in, I'm going to put my window down real quick.
00:36:55Just go in.
00:36:56And fart out the window.
00:36:57He won't know I done fucked up the seats.
00:36:59Nothing like that.
00:37:00Because it'll just go out the window.
00:37:01When he drive off, it'll go in the wind.
00:37:02He'll think it's in the sewer system or some shit like that.
00:37:05So, when he go to let me in, and he close my door, it start raining.
00:37:09I said, ain't this a bitch?
00:37:11So, I can't put my window down because it's raining outside.
00:37:14So, I'm like, oh, shit.
00:37:15I'm going to fuck up his seats, please.
00:37:18And let me tell you something, men.
00:37:19When we have to shit, we have no conversation for your ass.
00:37:25Y'all want to talk about a lot of irrelevant bullshit.
00:37:28You having a good time?
00:37:29Yes, men, I drive.
00:37:34I'm going to shit on myself.
00:37:37Please.
00:37:38Please.
00:37:40Please.
00:37:41Please.
00:37:45So, I'm sitting there, baby, and I am fucking panicking.
00:37:49So, I said, okay, okay.
00:37:50Okay, you got to be quick.
00:37:52You got to be quick.
00:37:53You shit.
00:37:55You got to be quick.
00:37:56You good at this shit.
00:37:57You know how the fuck to play this.
00:37:58So, I said, okay, that's what I'm going to do.
00:38:00While he driving, when the song come on the radio, I'm going to say, turn it up, nigga.
00:38:05That's my song.
00:38:06That's my song.
00:38:07And when he turn it up, when he turn it up, I'm going to just go ahead and fart.
00:38:10And act like the music's so funky, it just stunk up the car.
00:38:13Yeah, yeah.
00:38:15So, he driving, baby.
00:38:16And I'm saying to myself, please, somebody play a good song.
00:38:23Because now it's coming up in my throat.
00:38:26I got to do it.
00:38:27I got to do it.
00:38:28So, then Jigga came on.
00:38:30That's my song.
00:38:31I said, turn it up.
00:38:32Shit.
00:38:33Jigga.
00:38:34What's my motherfucking name?
00:38:36Jigga.
00:38:37Before I could get to that third Jigga, that duck got to quacking.
00:38:44I just turned my face to the side of my window.
00:38:49Because I knew I was going to fuck up our friendship.
00:38:52As soon as that shit caught him right around here, I knew it was going to fuck up the friendship when it got on his mustache.
00:38:57I knew the shit was going to be over with.
00:38:59He kept talking about some of the irrelevant bullshit.
00:39:01And I said, mm-hmm.
00:39:03Mm-hmm.
00:39:05Ssss.
00:39:21Ssss.
00:39:23And I watched his ass react, baby.
00:39:26He was trying to be cool with his shit.
00:39:28Till it got to simmering on his ass.
00:39:30Oh, what the fuck?
00:39:41This stinky bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?
00:39:44Shit, my stomach hurt, nigga.
00:39:45Shit.
00:39:50Oh, I feel better.
00:39:51Let's get some ice cream shit.
00:39:57Oh, baby.
00:39:58Oh, shit.
00:40:01Oh, shit.
00:40:06Y'all see that?
00:40:10That's our ass right there, baby.
00:40:11That's our ass right there.
00:40:14Little prison boys be writing me letters and shit.
00:40:16But, you know, and after I went through my divorce, I say, fuck it.
00:40:23Let me just be real with me.
00:40:25I'm so sick of being different motherfuckers for everybody else.
00:40:29Let me be real with my shit with me.
00:40:31And I think women, if we start doing that more, we'd be much better motherfuckers.
00:40:35Don't try to impress a goddamn soul.
00:40:37Fuck him.
00:40:38If he can't accept who the fuck you are for who you are, you pack your shit up.
00:40:42And if you ain't got nowhere to go, then shit.
00:40:45Go outside and think about shit like you mean some shit.
00:40:48What you doing?
00:40:50I'm just thinking, nigga.
00:40:51I'm thinking.
00:40:55I'm just thinking about it.
00:40:59I'm thinking about it.
00:41:01You know?
00:41:02And you know what?
00:41:03I'll tell you something.
00:41:04You know what kind of man I want?
00:41:06I want the kind of man that will never hit me, but you just got that little teeny weeny bit of fear that he'll slap you.
00:41:13Ooh, nigga, wait a minute.
00:41:16I'm playing.
00:41:17I'm playing.
00:41:18You got serious as shit.
00:41:20You know I was playing.
00:41:23But I say, fuck it.
00:41:25Let's be real with your shit.
00:41:27And, ladies, we act like, you know, hold this with me, baby girl.
00:41:29Thank you, lamb.
00:41:30Your suit is beautiful, sister.
00:41:32I like that.
00:41:32We act like sometimes, you know, parts of our bodies don't exist.
00:41:38It's just not there.
00:41:40You know, that night I had to get the duck up out of me.
00:41:42I was so fucking cool with that.
00:41:43Once it came out, it's only going to last about five minutes, nigga.
00:41:46Stop tripping.
00:41:49You know what I'm saying?
00:41:50Stop it, now.
00:41:51Stop it.
00:41:52But then, ladies, we have other functions of our bodies that will last all fucking day.
00:41:56And we'll fuck up the whole typing pool at the workplace.
00:42:00You sitting around typing.
00:42:01Around five other bitches.
00:42:04You know you took a shower.
00:42:07But for some reason, it just didn't all connect.
00:42:10Didn't all come together.
00:42:13You like, who's shit, this guy?
00:42:17So you try to check your shit.
00:42:27Like, it ain't me, shit.
00:42:29I ain't shit.
00:42:30Yeah.
00:42:31Fuck that.
00:42:39That's your damn coochie.
00:42:42Shit.
00:42:43Don't always work out the way you want it to work out.
00:42:46And coochies can be so fucking tricky.
00:42:48They can be so tricky.
00:42:50I don't trust that bitch as far as I can see her.
00:42:53And most of the time, we can't see her unless we do some special shit.
00:42:57But I don't trust her.
00:42:58I don't trust her because she's just fucking tricky.
00:43:01Coochie's itch, I swear to God.
00:43:04I swear to God.
00:43:04And coochie, she don't ever itch when you're home on Saturday by your damn self watching Lifetime.
00:43:15You laying there, she laying there.
00:43:18She ain't saying shit.
00:43:19She looking at you like, what you doing today?
00:43:23Everything cool.
00:43:23She waits until you get your ass at work Monday morning.
00:43:27Ten motherfuckers behind you.
00:43:30And coochie starts showing her ass.
00:43:31Oh, oh, oh, oh, Lord.
00:43:39Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:43:46Shit.
00:43:48That's your damn coochie sisters.
00:43:49If it is, what you're supposed to do?
00:43:51You scratch that babafucka.
00:43:54Shit.
00:43:55I had to do that joke, y'all.
00:43:57Because my coochie position for real.
00:44:01Oh, oh, I wouldn't disrespect nobody in Biloxi, Mississippi, oh shit, oh shit, it is so fucking
00:44:19hot up here on this stage, baby, the leather is sharp and shit, but god damn if I don't
00:44:25want to be a stripper right now.
00:44:26And you know what, I think that I might get into that, stripping, exactly, because, you
00:44:36know, I used to dance a long time ago at this club called Chunky Asses, and they fired me
00:44:44for breaking the table, but them motherfuckers knew they should have put some steel shit
00:44:49up in there, that wooden shit, fuck around, fuck my coochie up, got splinters and shit,
00:44:53if I keep dancing, I can't, shit, I'm hurt, shit, but you know, when you're by yourself,
00:45:03you gotta take care of yourself, and that's just what you gotta do when it comes to everything
00:45:07about you, taking yourself out, being good to yourself, you gotta just do some shit by
00:45:11yourself, and I have not done that in 16 years, I've been married twice in total, I was married
00:45:17for 16 years to two of the craziest motherfuckers I think in America, but shit, they were mine
00:45:22for 16 years, and the day I was in the courthouse signing my divorce papers, I was crying, and
00:45:29my lawyer said, oh, don't be sad, I say, no, baby, you're missing the point, I ain't crying
00:45:35because it happened, I'm crying because it's over with, because I get my fucking name back,
00:45:39because for 16 years, I was two other different motherfuckers, and you know how sisters, you
00:45:43get so wrapped up into a nigga, you forget the shit you like, like, I'm fixing myself
00:45:47peanut butter and jelly, I don't like peanut butter and jelly, but because this motherfucker
00:45:51eats it, I'm eating the shit at 3 and 4 o'clock in the morning, that ain't the kid with bananas
00:45:56on it, what kind of crazy shit is that, but that's the shit he like, so I like it, oodles
00:46:00and noodles, well, I like that shit, you know what I'm saying, with the tuna fish mixed in,
00:46:06that's some beautiful shit, sisters, if you only got five dollars to feed your kids, trust
00:46:10what the fuck I tell you, get you some tuna fish, some oodles and noodles, one of the
00:46:13little prison boys wrote me a recipe about that shit, I thought that was some special
00:46:18shit, a nigga in jail sent me a recipe, he said, bitch, I know you like to eat, try this,
00:46:24it's called the hookah, but that day, baby, I was sitting in the courthouse, you know, signing
00:46:33my shit, and that day, I came to the courthouse in a limo, because I knew that was the final
00:46:38shit, I knew that was going to be it, and I said, you know what, bitch, take your car,
00:46:43because you might be thinking about some crazy shit, when this is over with, you might try
00:46:46to do some crazy shit, and run into a pole or something, because you got to give this
00:46:49nigga half your shit, you might want to give him half of that fucked up car, so you just
00:46:53got to be cool with your shit, so when I walked out the courtroom, I told my driver, I said,
00:46:59listen, take me to the finest restaurant in the state of California, because it's about
00:47:06me today, he took me to Popeye's, I got me some spicy tenders and a large red beans and
00:47:13rice, and I said, now take me to the hotel, now I checked in to what is one of the most
00:47:20expensive hotels in California, not because I really had the fucking money, but because
00:47:24that day, I wanted it to be about me, I checked in that shit, the penthouse suite, went up there,
00:47:30sat on the side of the bed, and cried for about 15 minutes, I said, bitch, wipe your tears,
00:47:34that's the last time you're going to cry over this bullshit, wipe your tears and start loving
00:47:39you again, start getting into your shit again, start just taking care of your ass from head
00:47:45to motherfucking toe, just so, I just got into my damn self, and my spirit said, cut the TV
00:47:52on, I said, if Angelica come on this motherfucking TV, I'm going to stab the bitch through the TV,
00:47:58but I cut the little TV on, now normally you got to order the little dirty movies, you got to order
00:48:04that shit, but this particular night, somebody already ordered it, and the little nasty pictures
00:48:10was on, and I was vulnerable with myself, and I'm just watching it, and my Gucci was tingling,
00:48:25now I'm going to tell you something, I don't watch the black pornos, I don't give a fuck,
00:48:33I think they should stop making them, I don't watch them, they look real nasty and dirty,
00:48:37that bitch look like she's been stabbed in her back 17 times, her fingernails all chipped up,
00:48:42he got a jury curl fucking with white sweat socks on, with one tooth in his mouth, half of his gold,
00:48:48what the fuck, I want to watch the shit with a plot, I want to know who's fucking who,
00:48:54and why they fucking, I don't want to turn on his dick in her mouth,
00:48:58well whose dick is that, so I'll be watching the good, I'll be watching the good ones with the white
00:49:07people, y'all are some creative motherfuckers, baby, I'll be like, how is that bitch doing that,
00:49:19but I'll be watching it, I'll be watching it,
00:49:22then I start hearing the little voices, like my son, touch me,
00:49:30touch me, touch me, touch me, and even though you know you're in that hotel room by yourself,
00:49:42you still in Barcelona, you're gonna play with your ass, and I don't know why black women,
00:49:46we are so afraid of that word masturbation, we get real nervous, oh no bitch,
00:49:50I don't play with myself, why the fuck, I like it, I like it, I like it, I be trying,
00:50:00why not to do it, I like it, and you be in that room by yourself, and you be looking around,
00:50:25then you start playing little games with yourself,
00:50:27One, two, book my shoe.
00:50:42And I'm not ashamed to tell you, baby, that one of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life,
00:50:49I gave it to my damn self that night.
00:50:53I was up in that hotel room calling my own damn name.
00:50:55My own, my own, my own.
00:51:00Oh, my knee.
00:51:02Oh, bitch, whose is it?
00:51:04Oh, bitch, it's yours.
00:51:06Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.
00:51:08From the back.
00:51:09Gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah.
00:51:19Oh, shit.
00:51:21Oh, shit.
00:51:23Get out.
00:51:24Oh, shit.
00:51:25Oh, can I get some drink or something?
00:51:29Gah.
00:51:33That one, that made my voice go out.
00:51:35That was a good one, shit.
00:51:39You know what?
00:51:39Don't you get so fucking tired of making pretend with men like they're doing real special shit?
00:51:44You're like, mm, mm.
00:51:46Yeah.
00:51:49Whose is it?
00:51:50Nigga, right now, I'm not sure.
00:51:51Cause I'm so motherfucking bored with your ass.
00:51:59Shit.
00:52:00Can I get, uh, uh, some water, please?
00:52:04Oh, thank you.
00:52:06Y'all gonna stop sneaking up on me.
00:52:07Come here, wait a minute.
00:52:08Y'all gonna wear it.
00:52:09I love you back, baby.
00:52:18Oh, baby.
00:52:20I can't even tell y'all right now how fucking fool I am.
00:52:22I mean, I know they tape shit, but goddammit, that's my motherfucking name.
00:52:28That is.
00:52:31I'm so motherfucking fool right now, I am going to get pregnant in Biloxi, Mississippi.
00:52:37By somebody's husband.
00:52:49How you doing, girl?
00:52:51How you doing?
00:52:52How you doing?
00:52:53Is that your husband?
00:52:56Is that your husband?
00:52:58Huh?
00:52:59Oh, not yet?
00:53:01Okay.
00:53:03What's the name of your TV show?
00:53:07That's the professor.
00:53:12I'm just fucking with you, sis.
00:53:13I wouldn't.
00:53:14Dude, how long y'all been dating?
00:53:16A year?
00:53:17And y'all came out for Valentine's Day?
00:53:19That is so wonderful.
00:53:23Hmm.
00:53:25Hmm.
00:53:27Hmm.
00:53:29Are you from Mississippi, brother?
00:53:32Where you from?
00:53:32New Orleans.
00:53:33Oh, you from New Orleans.
00:53:35That's a big difference.
00:53:37That you all right.
00:53:40Yeah.
00:53:41Trying to fuck with me like I don't know where the fuck I am.
00:53:45No, bitch, I'm from New Orleans.
00:53:46Shit.
00:53:48That's all right.
00:53:48What's your name, baby?
00:53:51Edwin?
00:53:52Nice meeting you, Edwin.
00:53:53I'm Monique.
00:53:54I know you.
00:53:54Uh-huh.
00:53:56And what's your name, sis?
00:53:58Cheryl.
00:53:58Cheryl.
00:53:59Where you from?
00:54:00Oh, both of y'all from New Orleans.
00:54:02Okay.
00:54:03Born and raised.
00:54:04And you've been dating Cheryl for a year.
00:54:06You got Cheryl.
00:54:09They ain't Cheryl.
00:54:13Hmm.
00:54:18This could cause a problem.
00:54:20How old are the Cheryl?
00:54:20Oh, 75.
00:54:24They little Jill.
00:54:26But the same mother?
00:54:27Okay.
00:54:28All right.
00:54:29And y'all were married?
00:54:30And what happened?
00:54:34She fucked up?
00:54:36She fucked up.
00:54:37That's what they won't be saying about your ass in a couple years.
00:54:39She fucked up.
00:54:42She fucked up.
00:54:44Y'all kill me with that shit.
00:54:46She didn't fuck up.
00:54:47It just didn't work out.
00:54:48You know what I'm saying?
00:54:48You're going to be on TV talking about she fucked up.
00:54:51It just didn't work out.
00:54:52Crazy motherfucker.
00:54:55I don't want your ass now.
00:54:57Shit.
00:54:58I thought the nigga was fine.
00:54:59She fucked up.
00:55:00No, you fucked up, nigga.
00:55:03Shit.
00:55:05You know what?
00:55:05I'm going to tell you something.
00:55:06I don't want no young nigga.
00:55:08No way.
00:55:08I don't want no motherfucker under 50.
00:55:13Oh, hey.
00:55:14Hey.
00:55:15Hey.
00:55:17Hey.
00:55:20Bitch, hold my time.
00:55:38Know what to do with it.
00:55:43Know what to do with it.
00:55:45You done lost, nigga.
00:55:46You lost.
00:55:48How you doing, baby?
00:55:50Are you here by yourself?
00:55:52Oh, you with your lady?
00:55:53Oh, you brought her to see me.
00:55:59But you stood up when I said I wanted somebody over 50.
00:56:02I admire her, too.
00:56:04Because if my motherfucking man walked up on the stage, your ass would be whooped.
00:56:07This is a pimp all day long.
00:56:12This is a pimp all day long.
00:56:15He said, that bitch know what place.
00:56:16She all right.
00:56:17I appreciate you, baby.
00:56:22I appreciate you.
00:56:24What's your name, Caddy?
00:56:26Neely?
00:56:27Neely.
00:56:28Now, is that your last name?
00:56:30I figured that.
00:56:30See, you old pimps use your last name.
00:56:33They don't use their whole shit.
00:56:34Somebody looking for this motherfucker.
00:56:36Trust when I tell you.
00:56:38He got his little beanie and shit on us.
00:56:40What you smoking in your pipe?
00:56:42Storeboard.
00:56:43Oh, it's storeboard?
00:56:45Nice meeting you, nigga.
00:56:46Shit.
00:56:48Know what I'm saying?
00:56:49I want a nigga over 50 with money, Neely.
00:56:53Damn.
00:56:56Did he walk his ass up here like, bitch, you messing with the wrong one?
00:57:01I'm real with my shit, Monique.
00:57:03Don't fuck around.
00:57:04But I appreciate you, sister.
00:57:06You let them walk right up here like, shit, I'm so secure with my shit.
00:57:09Go the fuck on up there.
00:57:12Yeah, I like your security.
00:57:19She's going to be looking for Neely ass in about an hour.
00:57:22Her secure ass.
00:57:23Where's Neely?
00:57:25And you know what?
00:57:26I'm not.
00:57:27Look, I will date outside the race.
00:57:30Fuck what you heard.
00:57:31We get so caught up in, oh, I'll only date black.
00:57:35And oh, fuck that.
00:57:36Yes, I have dated a white man before.
00:57:38Fuck, fuck it.
00:57:39Because he called me.
00:57:41And one day me, give me something to eat.
00:57:43And we actually had a wonderful, let me tell you something.
00:57:49And I see the white people here tonight.
00:57:51Welcome, baby.
00:57:52Welcome, welcome.
00:57:53It's by the time we realize funny is funny.
00:57:55We don't give a fuck what color it comes in.
00:57:57Funny is just fucking funny.
00:57:59It's time we realize that shit.
00:58:01But I dated this white guy.
00:58:02And his name was Paulie.
00:58:07And when he first asked me out on a date, I'm like, oh, shit.
00:58:12I'm going to have to defend my blackness every step of the way in this conversation.
00:58:16Because I know he's going to test me about my shit.
00:58:18But actually, he was the perfect gentleman.
00:58:21Race never came up.
00:58:24Showed me a good time.
00:58:25We just enjoyed each other's company.
00:58:27We dated for about two months before we came to each other's house.
00:58:30So then one night, he decides we'll go back to his house.
00:58:33We go back to his house.
00:58:34And I immediately start reading, like, the USA Today and, you know, the newspapers.
00:58:38In case he want to ask me some questions, you know, I'll be ready for his ass.
00:58:41With some shit he want to question me about.
00:58:44So we're sitting there enjoying each other's company.
00:58:46And he said, you know, excuse me, Monique.
00:58:50I'm going to go in the back.
00:58:51So I'm thinking Paulie's going to go in the back and get some more books and some shit.
00:58:55We keep reading with some tea and some crumpets.
00:58:57We're having a little treat while we're reading the papers and shit.
00:59:01Paulie come back out to the living room with nothing on but his socks.
00:59:09I said, see, I'm going to have to fuck Paulie up in here.
00:59:13I ain't into this white freaky shit.
00:59:16I said, Paulie, what's wrong with you, Paulie?
00:59:21What's wrong with you, Paulie?
00:59:23Wear your clothes, Paulie.
00:59:25What's wrong?
00:59:28He said, Monique.
00:59:31Monique.
00:59:34I know you're used to dating the black guys, the bro-hams, the Mandingos.
00:59:39But I want to know if I can try some freaky shit with you.
00:59:44So I say to myself, I'm a freak.
00:59:46I done probably tried whatever the fuck it is Paulie talking about.
00:59:49I done tried this shit before.
00:59:50I say, Paulie, what you want to do to me, Paulie?
00:59:53What you want to do to me, Paulie?
00:59:55What you want to do to me, Paulie?
00:59:58I said, Monique.
01:00:02Monique.
01:00:02I want to know if I could just pee-pee on you.
01:00:20I said, what in the fuck did you just ask me?
01:00:23I want to know if I can pee on you.
01:00:28Now, sisters, we talked about this shit.
01:00:31I don't give a fuck if you're black, white.
01:00:34You could be a purple bitch up in here tonight.
01:00:36That is some humiliating, disrespectful, degrading bullshit to let a motherfucker pee on you.
01:00:44I would never, ever try that shit again.
01:00:48But you got to try it one time, baby.
01:00:51But Luxie, my name is Monique.
01:00:52God bless y'all, baby.
01:01:14Oh, y'all see me with my partner, don't want.
01:01:42Excuse my voice.
01:01:45I know I say I'm real drag queenish, but trust me, I'm a woman.
01:01:48I know all the drag queens are like, do it, girl.
01:01:51Y'all are going to meet him later.
01:01:52I'm calling my brother and my manager, Steve.
01:01:55Because if I got to be up at 4.52 in the morning, his black ass got to be up at 4.52 in the morning.
01:02:01Good morning, black ass.
01:02:03Are you woke?
01:02:05Now, y'all remember earlier I made a phone call to my manager and my brother.
01:02:11And I said, could you bring some orange juice?
01:02:13Donuts.
01:02:14You know what I'm saying?
01:02:15And I bought them.
01:02:15Wait a minute.
01:02:16I want you some donuts.
01:02:18This black ass, them boy packages of shit.
01:02:21See, that's why you can't depend on people to do shit for you.
01:02:25And this shit was on sale for $0.59, so I'm scared to bite it.
01:02:29This man's been some shit that's been sitting there for...
01:02:31Damn it, Steve.
01:02:33Daddy had a man to buy a whole long pack of mini muffins.
01:02:37Like, this gonna really fuck them up here with the mini muffins.
01:02:40You have just lost your possession.
01:02:42Damn it!
01:02:43Normally, when I get up in the morning, I would have me a fabulous little egg and bacon sandwich.
01:02:50But because it's so early and my call time is so early, I gotta get to work.
01:02:55So I'm gonna have me a glass of orange juice.
01:02:57Excuse me.
01:02:58Yeah, you eat that shit.
01:02:59Nobody else is.
01:03:00I'm not such a damn shame.
01:03:11Y'all, okay.
01:03:12This is Sonny Delight, boy.
01:03:14No, no, Steve.
01:03:15This is not Sonny Delight.
01:03:17This is Sonny D.
01:03:18What the fuck is Sonny D?
01:03:20What is that?
01:03:23What guests did you go to?
01:03:25Shut up.
01:03:28Y'all know what?
01:03:29You gotta love them.
01:03:30Because he's trying.
01:03:32You know, he's trying.
01:03:33But this is...
01:03:34We gotta go.
01:03:37They don't have no pulp in the door.
01:03:43This shit is medicine.
01:03:45I'm gonna stop right there before I pass out.
01:03:48I see y'all at the set.
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