- yesterday
Follow up to Shane Gillis: Live in Austin special.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen!
00:30Thank you. Thank you. That was very nice.
01:00Nice. It's good to be here, dude. It's good to be down here in Virginia.
01:04Down here in Virginia, dude. Virginia's all right. I like it down here. It's nice.
01:08Yeah, it's all right. We travel a lot for this. We went to Australia this year. It was all right.
01:14Anytime I go to another country, as soon as I get out of the airport and start, like, driving around, I'm just like...
01:19Dude, this is your fucking country, dude? Other countries suck. America's number one, dude. It's not even close.
01:28It's official. I've been to, like, three other countries. It's official.
01:37And other countries hate it, too. They hate that we're number one. You ever tell them?
01:42You ever go to another country and tell them we're number one?
01:44Swim up to, like, a pool bar, just...
01:48You know, we're number one?
01:51They hate it, dude. They try to bring up bullshit to bring us down.
01:56They're like, what about all the mass shootings you guys have all the time?
01:58It's like, at least we're not gay.
02:02You know?
02:03There's really not a good comeback to that, because that's a pretty serious problem.
02:10And we're the only country doing that.
02:15We're not making any adjustments.
02:19None.
02:19What, are we going to give up our guns like a bunch of fucking gay guys?
02:24Yeah, right, dude.
02:26No, we're just going to have shootings all the time.
02:29No, Australia's good.
02:36I was shitting on it.
02:36Australia might be number two.
02:39That's a good country, dude.
02:40Just a whole country doing nothing.
02:43That's what I like about them.
02:44They're just down there.
02:45Zero exports.
02:46Creating nothing, dude.
02:48The only export I've seen come out of Australia is just that YouTube video of that guy punching that kangaroo in the face.
02:54You know that video?
02:55That kangaroo holding that dog hostage out in the woods.
02:59Owner shows up, squares up with the kangaroo.
03:06No hesitation.
03:07Kangaroo knew it was a fight, too.
03:12Guy just fucking...
03:13If you've seen the video, you know how good that impression did.
03:18Australia gave us that.
03:27Australia also gave us love on the spectrum.
03:31Love on the spectrum.
03:33Thank you, Australia.
03:35Incredible show.
03:37Truly an incredible...
03:37Actually an incredible show.
03:38How did this show get made?
03:40That's an insane show.
03:42Only Australia could have come up with this.
03:45Only Australians would be like,
03:46Alright.
03:48You know how autistic people are extremely uncomfortable in social settings?
03:53Let's stick a camera in these fucking retards' faces once a time.
03:57It's like,
03:58No, dude.
03:59Don't do that.
04:02We're all gonna watch it, but don't do that.
04:06Look at him trying to fuck.
04:11No, Australia ruled.
04:12I only had one negative experience while I was there,
04:15and it was, uh...
04:16I got bullied.
04:18I got made fun of publicly by a goth.
04:21They still have goths, dude.
04:24Full-on black trench coat, black eyeliner.
04:27And he made fun of me.
04:29I'll give him credit in his defense.
04:31The reason he was making fun of me
04:32is because I was wearing a bucket hat.
04:36I had never done that before.
04:38There were no black people on the island.
04:40I was taking fashion chances the whole time.
04:44That's the thing about these countries.
04:45I was just in England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia.
04:47No black people.
04:49And I know what you're thinking.
04:50No.
04:53No, you need black people to keep the whites in check.
04:57The last thing you want is a whole island of whites
04:59that think they're the coolest people on Earth.
05:01It's a disaster.
05:02That's how you end up with Conor McGregor's walking around like,
05:04ah, dum-a-dum-a-dum-a-dum-a-dum-a-dum-a-dum-a-dum-a.
05:06It's like, shut up, dude.
05:09The foreign whites are out of control.
05:12American whites, we're humble.
05:15We know we're not the coolest guys around.
05:17It's the foreign whites, dude.
05:22Yes!
05:22Is there any...
05:23Yes!
05:26Preach, brother!
05:27Yeah.
05:29For real, though, there's a reason every good NBA player that's white
05:32is from another country.
05:34The audacity to think you could play in that league, dude.
05:37The fucking arrogance.
05:39Every white dude in America saw a black kid dunk in, like, eighth grade
05:42and was just like, oh, all right.
05:45There goes that dream.
05:48I'll just set picks for the next four years.
05:51Just box out hard as hell.
06:01White people used to be cool in America.
06:06Long time ago, dude.
06:08The height, the height of white people being cool was us going,
06:11we're like, meh.
06:13That was as cool as we got.
06:14We're like, meh, see?
06:15Ha-ha.
06:16Meh.
06:16And then the day white people stopped being cool
06:20was Jackie Robinson's first game.
06:26You can look it up, dude.
06:28You can find it.
06:28You can find the radio call from that game online.
06:31You can hear the exact moment white people stopped being cool.
06:35You can hear the announcers.
06:36They still got it.
06:36They're like, meh.
06:38Welcome to Chicago, where the White Sox
06:40take down the Brooklyn Dodgers.
06:42And we all had cool white nicknames.
06:44Like, up at the mound is old Curly.
06:48He's a 47-year-old alcoholic.
06:50He's the greatest athlete alive.
06:53Runs a six-second, 40-yard dash.
06:57Fastest man alive, they say.
07:01Then it happened, dude.
07:03Then Jackie came up to the plate.
07:06You can hear the announcers.
07:07They're like, meh.
07:10Coming up to the plate is young Codbar from Brooklyn.
07:12No way he can hit Curly's pitch.
07:15Here comes the pitch.
07:16Fuck, home run.
07:17All right.
07:20That was it, dude.
07:21Jackie hit the ball, so he already knocked that voice
07:23out of all the whites.
07:24Not one of us has talked like that since, dude.
07:26One swing of the bat.
07:27We're like, meh.
07:29All right, yeah, that was pretty good.
07:30That was good.
07:32That was good.
07:32It's time for us to focus on computers.
07:34Anyway, I was in Australia.
07:44I was in a bucket hat.
07:47I was already self-conscious about the bucket hat.
07:50Tried it on in the hotel.
07:52Just looked like fucking John Candy.
07:57I was with my friend.
07:58He's a good friend.
07:58I was like, I look like a fucking dumbass, right?
08:00He was like, nah, dude, you look cool.
08:01Also, who cares?
08:03No one's going to give a fuck.
08:04I was like, all right, fine.
08:06As soon as we got outside of the hotel,
08:08somebody gave a fuck.
08:09I got made fun of immediately.
08:11It was the goth.
08:12The goth.
08:12I didn't even see him coming, dude.
08:13He came out of the shadows like they do.
08:16Ksss.
08:18This fucking guy.
08:19I was standing and talking to my friend.
08:21He was walking behind us on the sidewalk.
08:22He walked behind me, took my hat off my head,
08:25put it back down, and patted me on the head.
08:27I turned around smiling at him
08:29because I thought only a friend could have done this.
08:32I was like, dude, this guy kept walking.
08:35He didn't even break stride.
08:36He goes, nice hat, fat son.
08:37It just destroyed me for no, I had no comeback.
08:42I was just like, yeah, right?
08:45I was like that fucking kangaroo.
08:49What was that about?
08:52That was six months ago.
08:53I've thought about that guy every day.
08:56Every day.
08:57I hate him.
08:59I hate everything.
09:00I hate that he's a goth from Australia.
09:02It's like, you can't be that.
09:03You can't be a goth from Australia.
09:06You sound funny.
09:07You can't be, you know what I mean?
09:09That guy can't go around like,
09:10all day I think about this.
09:12It's like, shut up, dude.
09:16I'm actually very dark and twisted.
09:18I'm like, no, you're not.
09:21You're Australian.
09:22You sound funny.
09:24Australian accent's one of those accents
09:26that's funny every single time.
09:28You could be in the middle of a fucking tragedy
09:30if you heard an Australian accent.
09:32You'd still be like,
09:33you know what I mean?
09:35Like, if there was an Australian guy
09:37in the office on 9-11,
09:39he's like, oh, fuck, look out.
09:42Oh, no, there's another one.
09:48Get down.
09:54Oh, fuck, it's hot up here.
09:55Going to have to jump out.
09:59No.
10:05Oh, no.
10:10Yeah.
10:12That's a 9-11 joke.
10:13That's an applause break.
10:14Bravo.
10:17All right.
10:19Tell you this.
10:20On a more serious note,
10:21this is something I'm dealing with
10:24in my life.
10:25I just recently found out
10:27that the girl I'm dating,
10:28her ex is a Navy SEAL.
10:33That sucks.
10:35That sucks dick, dude.
10:36That's the worst ex of all time.
10:38I never even thought it.
10:39You want to feel insecure as a man?
10:40That's the worst...
10:41I never even thought of that one
10:43as, like, that could happen to me.
10:45I spent my whole life thinking,
10:47black guy, worst case on this.
10:50By the way, I mean that
10:51with all due respect
10:52to the black community, dude.
10:54For real.
10:54I wish people feared my dick like that.
10:56I wish my dick struck fear
10:59into entire races.
11:02Nobody fears my dick, dude.
11:05Nobody fears my dick.
11:08Other than, like,
11:08women in parking garages, they...
11:10You get me in a parking garage,
11:14all of a sudden,
11:14my dick's top of the food chain.
11:17See me lurking behind a pillar in there,
11:19just with a GameStop bag.
11:30Nah, dude.
11:31Navy SEAL.
11:33It's a tough one.
11:35I do this thing.
11:36It's not a good thing,
11:37but whenever I'm dating a girl,
11:39I always talk shit on her exes.
11:42It's not a good look.
11:43Women don't respect it.
11:45Kind of makes me look like a bitch.
11:46I like it.
11:49I...
11:49I can't stop doing it.
11:52And normally it's easy.
11:53Normally it's like,
11:54what's your ex do?
11:54He's a fucking substitute teacher.
11:57It's weird he wants to hang out with kids.
11:58He's like, that bad.
11:59You know, I'm like...
12:00This one's tough.
12:02This is a tough ex to make fun of.
12:05It's when I'm walking around
12:05the apartment all day,
12:06just...
12:07Fucking Navy SEALs.
12:13They're kind of pussies,
12:14if you really think about it.
12:16You know what I mean?
12:17Like using night vision,
12:18sneaking up on guys.
12:20That's a fucking coward's way to fight, dude.
12:23You know who's actually brave?
12:25Al-Qaeda.
12:26That...
12:26That takes courage and bravery.
12:30Just in pajamas,
12:31throwing rocks at tanks.
12:34Heroic shit, dude.
12:35Just you and your boys going out.
12:37In flip-flops.
12:38You're all gonna get fucked up.
12:40Dude.
12:41No training.
12:44Zero military training.
12:45Dude, those guys...
12:46Those dudes, they had fucking...
12:48They had one set of monkey bars.
12:49That's what they all trained on.
12:52And they were proud of the monkey bars.
12:54You remember that video?
12:55You've seen them using the monkey bars.
12:57They were...
12:58They filmed themselves using the monkey bars
13:01and then sent that tape out to the world like...
13:04Not bad.
13:05What we're doing.
13:14A buddy of mine watches like, uh...
13:16Like death videos on the internet.
13:20I don't.
13:22He watches them.
13:24If we're hanging out, I'll watch.
13:25We watch.
13:26I watch.
13:26Fuck.
13:27I was over there at his place.
13:28We were watching.
13:29I don't know if you know this.
13:29The war in the Middle East is just on the internet.
13:31The whole fucking thing.
13:32Every dude out there on both sides
13:34was wearing GoPros the entire time.
13:37Like, you can watch it.
13:37We watched, like, three hours of the war in Iraq.
13:40And after the first hour,
13:41I found myself starting to cheer.
13:43Not cheer, but, like...
13:44Relate.
13:46I felt like I could relate more
13:48to the monkey bars guys.
13:50You know what I mean?
13:50They were a little more my speed.
13:52You ever wonder how you would do out there?
13:54Watch those guys.
13:55Those are just normal fucking dudes.
13:57Second shots are fired.
13:58There's no game plan.
13:59They were just, oh, shit!
14:02Very relatable.
14:03Guns jamming.
14:05Trying to fire a rocket.
14:06It goes straight fucking backwards.
14:09They're very...
14:09They look like me trying to fire a gun.
14:11Their feet move when they shoot.
14:16Very relatable.
14:17They also never won.
14:19They never...
14:19They got fucked up every single time.
14:22Bad.
14:22They would blow up, like, one truck every five months.
14:26They'd be just as surprised as everybody.
14:28Shit finally worked out.
14:30You could hear it in their voice.
14:30Someone would blow up.
14:31They'd be like,
14:32Oh!
14:33Oh, oh, oh!
14:34It's like...
14:35Yeah, dude, that's a human reaction.
14:36That's relatable.
14:38That's what I would do
14:39if I saw a fucking explosion.
14:40I'd go, Oh!
14:43That's human.
14:44You ever watch us kill people?
14:46I can't relate to that at all.
14:48There's some Black Hawk helicopter
14:49with night vision.
14:51Mows down, like, 40 people.
14:53Pilot gets on.
14:54He just goes,
14:54Clear.
14:55Just flies away.
14:58It's like,
14:58Yo, that's a psycho.
14:59That guy didn't give a fuck about that.
15:01At least ISIS is down there
15:02having fun,
15:03dancing afterwards.
15:09You know?
15:10It's like Ewok Village down there, you know?
15:11Also, I'm not...
15:19I'm not actually pro-ISIS.
15:23All right?
15:23It's just a Navy SEAL
15:24did fuck my girlfriend.
15:27And I am having a pretty tough time
15:29dealing with that.
15:31It sucks, dude.
15:33Can't get it out of my head.
15:34Some fucking cool,
15:38jacked hero.
15:40Just getting tactical
15:41on my sweet baby's pussy.
15:46Just clearing out every corner
15:47of my sweet angel's box.
15:50Just checking behind every door in there.
15:52Just clear, go,
15:53red team, advance.
15:57Now I'm in there fucking...
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
15:59Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:00Oh!
16:01Oh!
16:01Oh!
16:01Oh!
16:02Oh!
16:02Oh!
16:02Oh!
16:02Oh!
16:03Oh!
16:04Oh!
16:06Fuck, I know we're laughing
16:07and having a good time,
16:08but for real, that does suck.
16:09That sucks.
16:10That absolutely sucks.
16:14Sexually, I have to follow
16:18a fucking Navy SEAL.
16:21They never quit until the job's done, dude.
16:23That's their whole thing.
16:24I quit a lot, all right?
16:27The job's done when I'm tired,
16:28which is usually pretty early
16:30into the mission.
16:32My arms start shaking pretty early.
16:35They give out.
16:36Next thing you know, we're having
16:37belly-to-belly missionaries.
16:40Just hunched over, breathing in her ear
16:42like a pug for five minutes.
16:43Just...
16:44just coughing.
16:51Coughing.
16:52Coughing during sex is funny.
16:53Just...
16:53just...
16:54You guys know belly-to-belly missionary, dude.
17:02Don't fucking...
17:03I saw this crowd, dude.
17:05I see you, boy.
17:07Lie out of belly-to-belly tonight, dude.
17:08This guy's hunched over, just...
17:12You don't even think about that noise
17:14you're making in that poor woman's ear.
17:16Every woman in this room has heard that noise.
17:19You've never thought...
17:20The only way I can describe it is, like,
17:21you ever lay down and a dog starts sniffing your ear?
17:24That's what it sounds like, every...
17:26No, my girlfriend and I, we have sex, and it's fine.
17:43It's okay.
17:45One thing that's funny about, though, is, uh,
17:47it's a new enough relationship
17:48that my girlfriend's still loud during sex.
17:51You remember that?
17:53You remember that phase?
17:54It's still new enough in the relationship
17:56that my girlfriend, like, screams every time we have sex,
17:59and I'm just up there like,
18:00Yeah, right!
18:01Yeah, right, lady.
18:04I've seen women walk through this, no problem.
18:07I mean, it's nice. It's a nice gesture.
18:10And sometimes it tricks me.
18:12Sometimes it's like, yeah.
18:13Yeah.
18:14Yeah, maybe it's not gonna fit.
18:17No, it's gonna fit.
18:20It's gonna fit.
18:21It's gonna fall out a couple times.
18:27No, the screaming, the screaming phase is about done.
18:29We moved in together, so that's when that,
18:30that's when that ends.
18:32Once you, before you live together,
18:33sex is like, yeah, but me, me.
18:36Once you move in together,
18:37sex slowly becomes just some lady laying on a bed
18:40next to a pile of unfolded laundry.
18:42Just, just...
18:48Ow, you're on my hair!
18:50Hey.
18:55No, we live together now.
18:56My girlfriend moved in with me,
18:57so we have sex, and, uh,
18:59as soon as we're done having sex,
19:00I wish that she would fucking evaporate.
19:03And fucking...
19:08No? All right, no.
19:09You guys are right.
19:10I hate playing Xbox by myself, dude.
19:12What the fuck?
19:14I love having her around all the time.
19:17Fucking turning on lights.
19:21Asking me to hang out.
19:23No.
19:27No, we hang out.
19:28I'm just not used to it.
19:29I'm not used to...
19:30I'm not used to hanging out with a woman all the time.
19:32I'm not used to hanging out with women.
19:34I don't have any female friends.
19:36I'm more of a having a good time type of guy.
19:39You know?
19:40I don't even know what women do for fun.
19:41Just fucking fold shit or something like that?
19:46Huh?
19:48Look, I know that's not the best joke of all time.
19:50From your seats, that's not the most well-crafted joke.
19:55What do women do? Fold shit?
19:57But from up here, from up here,
19:59it's a very, very funny joke.
20:01I get to say something as dumb as,
20:02What do women do? Fold shit?
20:05And then look out and see about 15 different women going...
20:11I understand most of the women here
20:13are girlfriends that were dragged to this show
20:16that already don't really like me
20:17because every time they're in their car,
20:18their boyfriend's like,
20:20Babe, babe, listen to this part of the podcast.
20:23Yeah.
20:25I'm aware.
20:30And now...
20:31And now those women are here
20:33and the show's going exactly how they knew it was gonna go.
20:36Some dumb ogre on stage, like,
20:38Women are dumb!
20:41I said, No, I appreciate it. I appreciate you.
20:44Sweet angels.
20:45I found this out from hanging out with my girlfriend.
20:50Uh...
20:51I didn't know that women... women watch porn now.
20:55Shame!
20:58No, I'm sorry.
21:00I'll say this about that.
21:02I think women watching porn's having a negative effect on all of us.
21:04You know what I mean?
21:07We can't both...
21:09come into the bedroom thinking we can fuck like that.
21:12Have you fucked someone lately?
21:13It's just everyone thinks they're into porn, dude.
21:16Every time you fuck a lady, she's like...
21:18Every dude's like...
21:22Everyone... What are we doing?
21:23Stop.
21:25Belly to belly is pretty good. It feels the same.
21:27Everyone thinks they're a porn star.
21:30You're not, dude. Those are professionals.
21:33You're not good enough to fuck like that.
21:35First off, if you're a dude and you're good at sex...
21:38That's gay.
21:40Right? That's...
21:44I hate to break it to you, dude. That's a girl quality.
21:46No, I'm not...
21:49I'm not saying it's bad women.
21:50I'm saying it was bad enough already when it was just men.
21:53Watch a boy coming into the bedroom with fucking ideas.
21:56From shit that...
21:57You know what I mean?
21:58It was bad enough when it was just me coming in there.
22:00Just...
22:02Just...
22:04I watched a squirt tutorial earlier.
22:08She's like, I can't squirt.
22:10It's like, you all can squirt, actually.
22:12Some girl just forces herself to pee to get you to stop doing it.
22:14She's like, you did it, baby.
22:15Like, yeah, honestly, I did it.
22:17Now, you can't...
22:18You can't do the cool moves you see in porn.
22:19Just have regular...
22:21Just do regular.
22:22You don't have to...
22:23You ever try them? You ever think you can?
22:25You ever try, like, cum in a girl's face?
22:27Not as cool...
22:29There are a lot of...
22:31You ever try, like, cum in a girl's face?
22:33Not as cool...
22:35There are a lot of...
22:36You ever try, like, cum in a girl's face?
22:39Not as cool...
22:40They're a lot less receptive in real life.
22:43That's a...
22:44That whole process is a fucking nightmare, dude.
22:46It's a disaster.
22:48It's just you.
22:49The girl you love is down there.
22:51You've been begging her for three months to try this.
22:55Finally, she's like, yeah, you can do it.
22:56You're like, yes!
22:58It's gonna be just like the videos I watch every day.
23:00That's my favorite part.
23:03Now you get to do it.
23:05You think it's gonna be awesome.
23:07It's not.
23:08It's just you up there.
23:10Alone.
23:12It's cold.
23:17She's just...
23:19She's out, she's being nice.
23:20She's like, are you okay?
23:23Now you can feel it.
23:24You're like, all right, here it comes.
23:25This is gonna be awesome.
23:26She's gonna love this.
23:27And as soon as it hits them.
23:32They freeze.
23:35And then once it's on them, they don't know how to move.
23:38You know what I mean?
23:39You ever put socks on a cat?
23:40And then you feel bad because the cum's out of you and you realize what you've done.
23:50You feel terrible.
23:51You gotta fucking...
23:52You gotta pick her up off the ground.
23:54It's like the same energy as like when a toddler falls.
23:56You're like, come here, get up.
23:57You're all right.
23:58You're all right.
23:59We'll never do it again.
24:12Yes.
24:14All right.
24:15Enough of this cum talk.
24:18I'll tell you, this was making me laugh.
24:20I was on Twitter and I saw a picture of this guy.
24:23And he was retiring from the military.
24:25And when he retired, he posted a picture of himself.
24:28Full military uniform.
24:29All of his medals.
24:30But he was wearing a furry mask.
24:32Like a sexual dog mask.
24:35And he posted, he said, now that I'm retiring from the military,
24:38I can come out and say, I've been into puppet play this entire time.
24:43And he tweeted, he said, Officer Bow Wow out.
24:46And he said...
24:47And he said like, hashtag service dog.
24:51It was rough.
24:52For real, that was an accident.
24:57But he tweeted it.
24:58So of course, Russia and China's Twitter, they got a hold of it.
25:01They started talking shit.
25:02You know, they were like, look at our military.
25:04It was a bunch of like jacked skinhead dudes.
25:06They were like, look at America's military.
25:08It was like transgender people, the dog general.
25:13And they were making fun of us.
25:14They were making memes.
25:15They were like, look how tough and masculine our army is.
25:17Look how weak and gay America is.
25:20But I was looking at the pictures and I was like...
25:24Dog general's the scariest soldier I've ever fucking...
25:27I've ever imagined in my...
25:28Dude, just some sexual freak.
25:31Operating drones that thinks he's a fucking dog.
25:34Just...
25:35Oh!
25:37You know?
25:38You know how fucking scary that guy is?
25:41Just deleting villages.
25:42Oh!
25:43Oh!
25:44That guy's terrifying.
25:48The gay or the army?
25:49The scarier.
25:50Forever.
25:51Dude, throughout history.
25:52Think of any army throughout history.
25:54Imagine them gay.
25:57Gay Nazis?
26:00Just when you thought those guys couldn't look any sharper.
26:02They could fuck.
26:07Gay Vikings?
26:09Gay Vikings, dude.
26:11You're just some villager looking out on the shoreline.
26:15You see a bunch of Viking longships coming.
26:17You're like, oh no.
26:19It's the Vikings.
26:21They're gonna rape our wives and daughters.
26:24Then they pull up their fucking rainbow flag on their boat.
26:27They're just like...
26:29Oh!
26:30Fuck!
26:33Oh, that's way worse.
26:44I like history.
26:46I'm a bit of a history buff.
26:48Which, by the way, that is early onset Republican.
26:52That's a very...
26:53It's a very serious warning sign.
26:54If you're a white dude in your 20s and 30s and you're like,
26:57I can't stop reading about World War II,
27:00it's coming, brother.
27:02You might not be Republican right now.
27:03You might be young and cool and liberal.
27:06But I think you're safe, dude.
27:07You're not.
27:09It doesn't happen overnight.
27:10It takes time.
27:11It takes...
27:12You think your dad wanted to be Republican?
27:14You think he got out of high school and he was like,
27:15all right, now it's time to be a prick about everything.
27:18No, dude.
27:19It takes time.
27:21Like, I'm not a Republican right now,
27:22but I can feel it.
27:23It grows.
27:25I gotta fight it.
27:26Every day.
27:27Like a fucking werewolf.
27:32I'll just be watching TV out of nowhere.
27:34Just, ah, why are black guys in every commercial?
27:36Mermaids are white.
27:50I'm 35.
27:51That's important to me.
27:52They are white.
27:55And...
27:59I'm not joking on that one.
28:06No, I like history, so it's coming.
28:08I'm not a Republican now, but it's coming.
28:10There's no...
28:11When I'm on the road, I travel every fucking weekend.
28:13You know, there's nothing to do during the day,
28:15and then at night you do stand-up.
28:16But during the day, I travel every weekend.
28:17It's...
28:18Sometimes I like to visit, like, historical places
28:19throughout the country.
28:20So, a couple summers ago...
28:22Don't laugh at that.
28:24Shut up, dude.
28:25It's not lame at all.
28:30I just laughed at me from the balcony.
28:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:34Dork.
28:36Yeah.
28:37So, a couple summers ago, I was in Washington, D.C.,
28:39and I went and I visited, uh, Mount Vernon.
28:41I went and I visited George Washington's house.
28:43Uh, turns out, it was George Washington's plantation.
28:48Ah, shucks.
28:51Dude, I get in there.
28:52I'm the only one there.
28:53It was the first summer during COVID.
28:54I'm the only visitor there.
28:56It's me, and if some...
28:57If you've been there before, you know.
28:58It's 15 reenactors that don't break character.
29:01They stayed...
29:02Everyone else was in the 1700s.
29:04I was the only guy there.
29:06Like, I signed up for the tour,
29:07and my tour guide was Martha Washington.
29:09It wasn't her.
29:11It was some fat bitch.
29:15I saw right to it.
29:19I signed up for the tour,
29:20so me and Martha have to hang out together
29:22for 15 minutes
29:23to see if anybody else signs up
29:25for, like, the 3 o'clock tour or whatever.
29:27Of course they don't.
29:29I gotta make small talk with a woman
29:30that won't stop pretending to be from the 1700s.
29:33It's fucking insane.
29:34What do you say?
29:35I was just out there with her like,
29:36where's George Washington?
29:38She was like,
29:40oh, the general?
29:41He won't be joining us today.
29:43He's in his chambers.
29:44It's just you and I.
29:45I was like,
29:46what are you...
29:49You trying to fuck me?
29:55Never broke.
29:56No one broke...
29:57Enough times gone by,
29:58I've had enough to think about
29:59why nobody would break character
30:00while I was there.
30:01And for real,
30:02I'm fairly certain they thought
30:03that I was a special needs man.
30:04Like, they all got together
30:06and they were like,
30:07look, this is obviously a big day for this guy.
30:10Nobody break character.
30:11Let's make it magic for him.
30:13Like, they watched me park my car
30:15when I got there.
30:16And when I got out,
30:17they were like, oh!
30:20It's one of the driving ones.
30:21Look at him.
30:22It was also during COVID,
30:25and the mask did not do me any favors.
30:27You can only see my eyes.
30:29I got the eyes for it.
30:30It was sunny out.
30:31I was...
30:36It also,
30:37it also didn't help but I walked up
30:38to my tour guide.
30:39Like, where's George Washington?
30:44He's like, oh, you're a big guy.
30:45I was like, yeah.
30:47Yeah.
30:51So me and Martha...
30:55Me and Martha go in for the tour.
30:57Due to COVID restrictions at the time,
30:59we were not allowed to speak indoors.
31:03All right?
31:04So for $36,
31:06me and a woman dressed like Martha Washington
31:09fucking dead silently walk through
31:12for a full hour.
31:13You need to be able to talk for this tour
31:14to have any value at all.
31:15There's nothing to read in there.
31:17It's just old chairs and shit.
31:19Me and this lady went room to room
31:20for an hour,
31:21and this was the tour.
31:30I was in the corner of every room,
31:31just...
31:33Not getting it.
31:35We get outside when we're done.
31:36She's like, do you have any questions?
31:37I was like, yeah.
31:38What the fuck was that?
31:39What was that?
31:40What'd you and me just do?
31:42So that was the end of me and Martha.
31:46I go off by myself.
31:47I start looking around.
31:49Like I said, it was the first summer during COVID.
31:51All right?
31:52So we're in the middle, you know,
31:53we're in the middle of tearing down statue season.
31:59And I was at a founding fathers plantation
32:01during all of that.
32:02So I wanted to check out the slave quarters.
32:08I want to see what all the fuss was.
32:09What the hell?
32:14Huh?
32:15No, whatever.
32:16Fuck you guys.
32:17What'd you guys do?
32:18What'd you guys do that summer?
32:19Fucking post black squares on your Instagram?
32:22Is that what you did?
32:23How dare you judge me?
32:25How dare you judge me?
32:26How dare you?
32:27I was there.
32:28Boots on the ground at a founding fathers plantation.
32:32Growing.
32:33Learning as a white.
32:34For real though, I was in there.
32:39I was in George Washington's slave quarters.
32:41By the way, the first thing you do
32:42when you walk into George Washington's slave quarters
32:44is you go, ooh.
32:47Somehow worse than I thought they were going to be.
32:49It's rough, dude.
32:50That guy had a fucking dungeon.
32:53For real?
32:54You didn't know?
32:55I'm in there.
32:56And I'm by myself and I'm like,
32:57you know, you remember that time.
32:58It was a tense fucking time in this country.
33:00And I'm in there by myself like,
33:01Jesus fucking Christ.
33:03And then I hear some footsteps
33:04coming down the path behind me.
33:06And now blocking the only exit of the room
33:09was a slave re-enactor.
33:14They have those there.
33:16And he did not break character.
33:17I turned around, he was like,
33:18oh, well, hello there, sir.
33:20I was like,
33:21Jesus Christ, dude, please,
33:22you don't have to do the character.
33:24I'd give anything for you
33:25to not do that character.
33:28He didn't break.
33:29He was like,
33:30look at those clothes.
33:31You must be from the future.
33:32Hello, time traveler.
33:35I was like, no, I'm from right now.
33:36What are you doing out?
33:37Come here!
33:40No, I did not say that.
33:41Obviously, I didn't fucking say that.
33:43I didn't say a word.
33:45I was frozen.
33:47I was paralyzed with white guilt.
33:48I didn't say a word.
33:49I was...
33:51And he knew what he was doing.
33:53He, for real,
33:54he knew what he was doing, dude.
33:55He wasn't...
33:56He wasn't giving me the George Washington tour.
33:57He was just drilling me with shit
33:58I didn't want to hear.
34:00He was hitting me with the...
34:01You remember that time?
34:02Tense time.
34:03That guy walks in there and sees me.
34:04I know what I look like.
34:05I know exactly.
34:06I got, you know,
34:07I've got the body type of a guy who says,
34:09let's see the rest of the body cam footage
34:11before we jump to any conclusion.
34:14I know what I look like.
34:17He wasn't even giving me the George Washington tour.
34:19He was just telling me fucked up shit.
34:21He was talking about other people.
34:22He was like,
34:23Thomas Jefferson had about six slave children of his own.
34:25He only freed two of his own children during his lifetime.
34:28I was like, Jesus Christ.
34:31Isn't that a bummer?
34:32Thomas Jefferson literally enslaved some of his own children.
34:37Yeah.
34:38Now you know how I felt, dude.
34:39I was getting fucking drilled with this information.
34:41That's when I started playing possum a little bit.
34:44Was like, maybe I am a special needs guy.
34:48So he was hitting me with the fucking white guilt facts.
34:50I was...
34:56I mean, it was a battle, dude.
34:57It was like two wizards fighting.
35:02Finally, I won by just lowering my mask.
35:06He was mid-rant.
35:07I was...
35:09Oh, shit.
35:10My bad, brother.
35:11You fucking...
35:14And he let me go.
35:17He freed me.
35:20That's when I went to the George Washington Museum.
35:22There's a museum there,
35:23that as soon as you walk into that museum,
35:25they start pumping up George.
35:26You walk in, they're like,
35:27George Washington was a great man.
35:29You're like...
35:32I just came from his dungeon.
35:35But you know, I'm American.
35:36I'll forget about that part of his history.
35:39What else did he do?
35:40You know?
35:41We're not gonna let human trafficking define these guys, are we?
35:45Huh?
35:49I don't know.
35:50Anyway.
35:51I was in there.
35:52I was going through the museum.
35:54I'll admit, I still had...
35:55I had girl brain towards George.
35:57From what I'd seen.
35:59I was still mad at him.
36:00I was going through the museum.
36:01I was like, George Washington,
36:02fucking asshole.
36:06George Washington had red hair.
36:07I was like, ugly bitch.
36:10I was trying to be cool and liberal and hate him.
36:14I couldn't do it, dude.
36:15They started pumping up George.
36:16Got me going, dude.
36:17I was going through the museum.
36:21They were like, George Washington was six foot two.
36:23I was like, nice.
36:27Like, he could never tell a lie.
36:28I was like, this guy is unbelievable.
36:31Like, he single-handedly defeated the British.
36:33At this point, I'm back.
36:36Dude, I'm worse.
36:38Nobody better touch my statues.
36:39I love statues.
36:41I'm ready to get on Facebook, defend Rittenhouse,
36:43whatever I need to do to help this country get better.
36:50I'm back.
36:51100%.
36:52Love America.
36:53Love George Washington.
36:54And then you get to the end of the tour,
36:55and the last thing you see on the George Washington tour
36:57is George Washington's teeth in a case.
37:00And if you...
37:01You know, the myth is George Washington had wooden teeth.
37:04Turns out, George Washington had...
37:06It was ivory and lead dentures
37:08with horse and cow teeth on the top row
37:11and human slave teeth on the bottom row.
37:15Damn!
37:16What the fuck?
37:17That's it.
37:18That's how the tour ends.
37:19You gotta walk outside to a hot, sunny parking lot.
37:22Like, what the fuck was that at the end?
37:25Also, lead with the teeth.
37:26Show me the teeth right away.
37:28Dude, don't make me love George Washington for two hours,
37:31and at the very end be like,
37:32you wanna see some wild shit?
37:33Like...
37:34And once you see his teeth,
37:38every story about him makes perfect sense.
37:41Like, he was a man of few words.
37:43It's like, yeah, dude, he had fucking donkey teeth,
37:45and fucking...
37:46Lead in his mouth for a decade.
37:48You can't keep lead in your mouth for a decade.
37:50That would give you...
37:51For real, like, rabies-like symptoms.
37:53You got...
37:56Like, I can't believe we defeated the British.
37:58I know how we did it.
37:59We had a fucking six-foot-two,
38:01red-headed, retarded guy...
38:03Out in the woods, just waiting for those motherfuckers, dude.
38:076'2 in 1770?
38:09That's like 6'10 today.
38:12Red hair, horse teeth, a sword, just...
38:17Do you wanna tax me, motherfucker?
38:21You know how terrifying that guy was coming out of the woods?
38:24Some five-foot British guy, like,
38:26Oh!
38:29It's Ron, it's George.
38:30George?
38:33You ever see that painting of George crossing the Delaware?
38:35Standing.
38:36He's the only one standing on the rowboat.
38:37Everyone else is like,
38:38George, you gotta get down.
38:39George's...
38:40They're over there!
38:41Get them!
38:45You know what happened that day when George crossed the Delaware?
38:47It was Christmas Day,
38:48and, uh, it was a bit of a massacre
38:50because George caught the British off guard
38:52because, uh, the British absolutely correctly assumed
38:56they were like,
38:57uh, only a retarded guy's gonna tread across this...
38:59this icy river today in a rowboat.
39:03Unfortunately for them,
39:04our first president was on the other side of that river.
39:06He's like,
39:08Get in the boat!
39:09We gotta kill these motherfuckers!
39:10I know I said retarded there a couple times.
39:15My bad on that.
39:20I'm not trying to give myself a pass
39:24on being able to use that word.
39:26But I will say,
39:27I don't know if you can tell by looking at me,
39:29I do have family members with Down syndrome.
39:32It almost got me.
39:35I dodged it, but it nicked me!
39:38It nicked me!
39:39Bit of a day walker myself.
39:42It's funny when you bring up Down syndrome,
39:44you can always tell who's never been around it
39:46in their lives.
39:47You know what I mean?
39:48Like, if I tell people,
39:49if I'm like,
39:50yeah, I have family members with Down syndrome,
39:51people that have never been around it
39:52are always like,
39:53oh.
39:54Like, Down syndrome's the fucking end of the world.
39:56Oh.
39:57Are they okay?
39:58Are they doing okay?
39:59It's like,
40:00they're doing better than everybody I know.
40:02They're the only dudes I know
40:04having a good time pretty consistently.
40:06Sorry they're not on fucking Adderall
40:08and anti-anxiety.
40:09They're not on fucking Adderall
40:11and anti-anxiety.
40:13like the rest of us.
40:15They're on fucking Capri Suns.
40:19Having a good time.
40:20Dude, my Uncle Danny,
40:21my Uncle Danny sneaks grilled cheese sandwiches
40:23into restaurants
40:24just in case they don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches.
40:27I don't know where he's getting these fucking things.
40:29It's the best.
40:30It's the best.
40:31You'll be out to dinner with him,
40:32you look across the table,
40:33you see him sneaking at grilled cheese.
40:38Like, yo, where'd you get that cheese, Danny?
40:42His dad's with him.
40:46He's like, that fucker,
40:47he's been making him at night.
40:48I know he is.
40:49I'm not making him at night, Dad.
40:52Then he'll look at you and be like,
40:55I'm making him at night.
40:56What's better than that, dude?
41:00What's better?
41:05What's better?
41:08What's better than Uncle Danny?
41:09Uncle Danny.
41:10Three in the morning.
41:11Shirtless.
41:14Baggy gym shorts.
41:18Quietly.
41:19Secretly in his parents' kitchen.
41:21On a secret mission to make ten grilled cheese sandwiches.
41:24Just...
41:31Every day his dad comes down the steps like,
41:32where's the fucking bread going?
41:36He's got eight sandwiches in a closet.
41:40Don't go in my room!
41:42No.
41:47Down syndrome rules.
41:48You don't have to...
41:50Obviously, that's not how you say it.
41:51Yeah.
41:53You don't go around saying fucking down syndrome rules.
41:56I'm saying it wrong.
41:57I'm not...
41:58I'm not discounting the fact it's hard for families.
41:59It is.
42:00I've witnessed it firsthand.
42:01It's difficult.
42:02It's fucking...
42:03It's scary.
42:04It's very scary at first.
42:05And then you quickly realize
42:06that's easily the only good family member...
42:09We have.
42:10That's the only good person I know.
42:12They're the bros, dude.
42:13They're the perfect bros.
42:14They...
42:15They love two things, dude.
42:16They love John Cena.
42:19Across the board, dude.
42:20You see one of these dudes out in public,
42:21hit him with a...
42:26They're gonna give it back.
42:27They love him.
42:30And they love tits.
42:33Dudes with down syndrome love tits,
42:34and it's a very uncomfortable truth for a lot of people.
42:38And I'm not sure why.
42:39Tits rule.
42:41John Cena rules.
42:43It's kind of the two coolest things.
42:47Look.
42:49This joke's probably not gonna make it, but...
42:52Here's what I...
42:53Alright.
42:54Hear this one out.
42:55I'm gonna try.
42:56If you see it,
42:57just know I won an argument.
43:00Cause I think it's good, but...
43:01Alright.
43:04Dudes with down syndrome
43:05love women so much
43:09that, like,
43:10I've never been a believer of
43:11being gay is a choice.
43:14But I will say,
43:16every dude I know that can't think
43:17fucking loves pussy.
43:24Alright.
43:25Alright.
43:26That's...
43:27That's the end of that.
43:28That's where that shit ends.
43:29Look.
43:30I was talking earlier.
43:31I'm not...
43:32I'm not a Republican yet,
43:33but I will say...
43:35I just wanna see...
43:36Like, for real,
43:37I don't care if they arrest him.
43:38If he loses the primary,
43:39I don't get...
43:40Let him debate, dude.
43:41Let him debate.
43:42Let him debate.
43:43Let him debate.
43:44All I wanna see is him debate.
43:45Dude.
43:46Okay.
43:47Hannibal...
43:48Yo.
43:49If he gets arrested,
43:50Hannibal Lecter,
43:51I'm out to the fucking...
43:52Bring him on stage.
43:53Here's my idea.
43:54Final debate of the year.
43:55Have one Republican candidate,
43:56one Democrat.
43:57Be like,
43:58alright, fellas.
43:59Surprise third guest tonight.
44:01Fucking stone cold music
44:02to come out.
44:03I don't know.
44:04I just wanna see...
44:05I just wanna see...
44:06Like, for real,
44:07I don't care if they arrest him.
44:08If he loses the primary,
44:09I don't get...
44:10Fucking stone cold music
44:12that glass shatters.
44:14He walks out just...
44:15They're both gay.
44:19I mean, see how they handle that?
44:22I think it is actually important
44:24to see how the candidates
44:25handle that type of pressure
44:26of debating with Trump, dude.
44:28Cause so far,
44:29none of them have been able to handle it.
44:30He literally bull...
44:31Every debate,
44:32he just bullied whoever was up there.
44:33The only one who did pretty good
44:35in the debates against him
44:36was Biden,
44:37just cause he had no fucking idea
44:38what was being said.
44:40Which actually helped him.
44:41That worked out for him.
44:42Cause Trump's whole thing
44:43is he tries to get
44:44in the other guy's head, dude.
44:45Can't get in Joe's head.
44:48Joe's not in there.
44:49Good luck, dude.
44:52Biden...
44:53Biden is Trump's kryptonite
44:54in a debate.
44:55He's literally perfect.
44:57He can't beat him.
44:58Cause Trump's whole...
45:00Trump tries to drag the other guy
45:01into like a shit-talking contest
45:02where he will win.
45:03He will win at that.
45:05He can't get Biden.
45:06He tries.
45:07He's trying so hard.
45:08And Biden's just...
45:13He tries.
45:14He just...
45:15You're a loser.
45:16Your son did crack.
45:18And Biden's just...
45:19What?
45:20Like...
45:22Like damn, dude.
45:23That's actually a pretty good comeback.
45:25You might win this thing.
45:27I miss it.
45:30I miss the speeches with Trump.
45:32You remember that?
45:33We used to get...
45:34We used to get five speeches a day.
45:36When he was in office.
45:37Anytime you turn on the TV,
45:38that guy was giving another fucking speech.
45:40Live, dude.
45:41Be in front of a helicopter,
45:43screaming, calling a lady a lesbian or something.
45:48This is gonna be a tough one to defend at work.
45:50But I'm gonna.
45:57Now it's sad.
45:58Now with Biden, we get like one speech every three months.
46:01And it's hard.
46:02He's like falls and shit.
46:03It's hard to watch.
46:04It's sad.
46:05I'm rooting for the guy.
46:06Obviously, I want things to go well.
46:07But it's hard to watch him do anything.
46:10Anytime I watch Biden do anything,
46:11I get the same feeling as like...
46:13You ever go to a friend's house,
46:14and they have like a 16-year-old dog,
46:15and it walks in the room?
46:17And you gotta do that whole like,
46:19oh, hey, there he is.
46:22Just look at him.
46:23He's looking great.
46:27My favorite thing about Biden is,
46:29any time Biden finishes a speech,
46:31he transforms into a Roomba.
46:33Just...
46:42Okay.
46:47I miss it.
46:48I miss the Trump speeches.
46:50Trump gave what I think was probably
46:52one of the greatest speeches
46:53of world leaders giving.
46:54You know,
46:55it's gotta be up there with like,
46:56Churchill.
46:58Gettysburg Address.
47:03Anyway.
47:04For real though,
47:05it was my favorite speech I've ever seen a president give.
47:06It was the night...
47:07It was the night the United States killed the leader of ISIS.
47:09Trump comes out of the Situation Room at like midnight
47:12in the White House,
47:13and he walks down that fucking tunnel.
47:14Like he's...
47:15It gives a press conference.
47:16Like he's giving a post-game NBA
47:19just-killing-a-guy press conference.
47:21He walks up in front of the entire world at midnight
47:23and just goes,
47:24Abu,
47:25Bakar,
47:26al-Baghdadi,
47:27is dead.
47:28He died like a dog.
47:30And a fucking dude.
47:37That's all him, dude.
47:39I didn't change one word to that.
47:40That's what he opened with.
47:43And then he did 40 minutes.
47:44The speech is 40 minutes.
47:46For no reason.
47:47It wasn't a prepared speech.
47:48He freestyled 40 straight.
47:51Not even a speech.
47:52Just mean shit talk for 40...
47:54The meanest shit talk you've ever heard.
47:56In front of the whole world.
47:57Shhh.
47:58Abu.
48:00We could hear him crying.
48:01I said,
48:02Abu, don't cry.
48:03Abu.
48:04Let me tell you something.
48:05Abu cried.
48:06He cried quite a bit.
48:07I wouldn't have cried.
48:09Crybaby Baghdadi.
48:11That's what we were all calling.
48:13Dude.
48:15Look.
48:17I love everything about that speech.
48:19I love it.
48:20I love thinking about Trump.
48:21In the situation room.
48:23Surrounded by.
48:25Generals.
48:26Watching.
48:27Alive.
48:28Watching Special Forces.
48:29Watching those cocksucking Navy Seals.
48:34Those, by the way.
48:35If I was in there, I'd be like,
48:36get out of that boo, run.
48:38They're great lovers.
48:39Don't let them get you.
48:41Ah, they got him.
48:43Ah, they're making him squirt.
48:46Fuck it.
48:50No.
48:52No.
48:53How can you do this?
48:59That's what we should do.
49:00Instead of, you know,
49:01instead of Zero Dark Thirty killing these guys,
49:04we should break in and have our Special Forces
49:06fucking whack them off in their own bed.
49:11That sends a pretty serious message, dude.
49:13Can you imagine that?
49:14Just four Navy Seals holding your arms and legs.
49:19You're the only dude without night vision.
49:25No!
49:34Queer.
49:35No!
49:40They fly away on a helicopter.
49:44You just got jerked off in your own bed.
49:47You fucking jerked me off!
49:50You make me do cum!
49:56You know what I mean?
49:58Anyway.
50:00Yeah.
50:06I, uh...
50:08No, I just love...
50:09I love...
50:10I love thinking about Trump
50:11in the Situation Room
50:12watching a live military operation.
50:14He's the only dude in the room
50:15that wasn't military.
50:17He must have been the only dude watching it
50:18that was like,
50:19OH!
50:21Like...
50:22You can tell he's never seen it before
50:23by the fucking speech.
50:24The speech sounded like a guy
50:25just trying to tell you
50:26some shit he saw.
50:29A lot of guys would
50:31knock on the front door.
50:32Not these guys.
50:33Not our guys.
50:34Not our guys.
50:35Our guys went through the wall.
50:36They blew up his wall.
50:39And they used dogs.
50:42Beautiful dogs.
50:45Beautiful dogs is the funniest detail.
50:48It's true.
50:49They actually did use...
50:50It was the Army Rangers and they used dogs
50:51because they were afraid
50:53Al-Baghdadi was going to be wearing
50:54a suicide vest.
50:55So they killed him with dogs
50:56and a robot.
51:00And then made fun of him for crying.
51:03Let that guy cry.
51:04That's the scariest death
51:05I've ever heard of.
51:07That dude was laying in his bed
51:08in the middle of the night.
51:09His wall exploded.
51:10Fucking ten dogs and a robot
51:11broke into his...
51:13Dude, ten dogs wearing helmets and goggles
51:15broke into his house.
51:17The Paw Patrol.
51:18The actual Paw Patrol.
51:19All right, dude.
51:21You guys have been so great.
51:22Thank you, guys.
51:27Thank you, guys.
51:28Thank you, guys.
51:58Yeah, yeah, I just want to drop it all night long, yeah, drop it, drop it, drop it.
52:10Drums keep popping, drops keep dropping, drops drop it.
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