- yesterday
Matt embarked on a sold-out world tour. Now in his first Netflix comedy special, Matt leaves no topic untouched - from crystals to social media trolls - and no audience member spared.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00:00Really man, who's there for fun me?
00:00:18Blood in my eye dog and I can't see
00:00:21I'm trying to be what I'm destined to be
00:00:24And niggas trying to take my life away
00:00:26I put a hole in a nigga for fucking with me
00:00:30My back on the wall now you gon' see
00:00:33Better watch how you talk when you talk about me
00:00:36Cause I'm gonna take it like a way
00:00:38Mini men, mini, mini, mini, mini men
00:00:42You step on me, go
00:00:45DC, what's going on?
00:00:56Oh my god
00:00:58Thank you, thank you
00:01:02Sit down, sit down
00:01:03Get comfortable
00:01:04My god
00:01:05Thank you so much
00:01:06Thank you
00:01:14Thank you so much, man
00:01:17Washington, DC
00:01:18We're doing Netflix, baby
00:01:20We're doing it
00:01:21We're doing it
00:01:22This is so cool, man
00:01:28I wish
00:01:29I wish my grandpa could see this, man
00:01:31He, uh
00:01:32I always wanted to bring him here to visit
00:01:35He knew how much I love DC
00:01:37And he loved Maryland
00:01:38It was like his favorite state
00:01:40Which
00:01:41No
00:01:42No, it's
00:01:44You know, it's a valid response
00:01:45Unless you've been to Baltimore
00:01:46Because, dude
00:01:47What the fuck is going on in Baltimore, dude?
00:01:52Bro, Maryland as a state
00:01:54Cannot pick a tone, dog
00:01:56Just pick one
00:01:58It's so beautiful
00:01:59And so ratchet
00:02:00For no reason
00:02:01Can y'all just pick a tone, man?
00:02:04All of Maryland
00:02:05And y'all will drive to the beach
00:02:07With your top down
00:02:07And then go to Baltimore
00:02:08And lock all your doors
00:02:09Like, you don't
00:02:10No middle ground
00:02:12Ever, man
00:02:13I've only been to Baltimore
00:02:14One time
00:02:15I ate lunch there
00:02:16And the hostess
00:02:17Who, like, seats you
00:02:18At the restaurant
00:02:18Had a black eye
00:02:19A full black eye
00:02:22And it wasn't like
00:02:23What happened?
00:02:24It was pretty obvious
00:02:25What happened?
00:02:26And we couldn't get over
00:02:27The fact that we're like
00:02:28This is the face of the company?
00:02:30Like, this is
00:02:30This is where you have
00:02:31Greeting people?
00:02:32And my boy
00:02:33Who I was with
00:02:34Was like
00:02:34Yeah, I feel bad for her, man
00:02:36I feel like they should
00:02:36Put her in the kitchen
00:02:38Or something
00:02:38Where nobody
00:02:39Where nobody has to
00:02:40See her face, you know?
00:02:42And I was like
00:02:42Yeah, but I feel like
00:02:43If she could cook
00:02:44She wouldn't have
00:02:45That black eye
00:02:46So
00:02:48Testing the water
00:02:52Seeing if y'all
00:02:53Are gonna be fun or not
00:02:54Just wanted to see
00:02:55Just wanted to see
00:02:57I figure if we start the show
00:02:59With domestic violence
00:03:00The rest of the show
00:03:01Should be
00:03:02Should be pretty smooth
00:03:04Sailing after that
00:03:05Yeah, of course
00:03:07I felt bad for her, man
00:03:08But she should have
00:03:09Had her protection crystals
00:03:10You know what I mean?
00:03:13Fellas, we gotta
00:03:14Put our foot down, man
00:03:15This crystal shit
00:03:16Is getting out of control
00:03:18Ladies
00:03:19Put the fucking pebbles
00:03:21Down, okay?
00:03:24We are sick and tired
00:03:25Of walking into your bedroom
00:03:27And it looking like
00:03:27We gotta beat you
00:03:28In a game of mancala
00:03:29Before we can sleep with you
00:03:31What the fuck
00:03:32Is all this gravel
00:03:33Doing inside, Thanos?
00:03:36I swear to you, man
00:03:37The biggest issue
00:03:38With crystal girls
00:03:39Is the fact that
00:03:39It's their entire personality
00:03:41And they won't
00:03:42Shut up about it
00:03:43I mean, you even
00:03:44God forbid
00:03:45Bring it up mid-conversation
00:03:46This is my favorite wine
00:03:51This is a piece of green
00:03:55Peruvian jade
00:03:56And it provides me
00:03:59With, like, strength
00:04:00And protection
00:04:02And, and, and
00:04:05And no, it doesn't
00:04:07No, it's not
00:04:09Okay
00:04:10That's a broken shard
00:04:11Of a Heineken bottle
00:04:13That you
00:04:13That you bought
00:04:16From a white dude
00:04:17With dreadlocks
00:04:18Who also runs
00:04:21A throat goat yoga class
00:04:22Okay
00:04:23Say what it really is
00:04:25Some bullshit
00:04:26The only thing
00:04:28It's protecting
00:04:29Is me
00:04:30From dating
00:04:32Another girl
00:04:33Whose pussy
00:04:33Tastes like kombucha
00:04:34Okay
00:04:35No more hippie shit
00:04:39Shower
00:04:41Maybe get back
00:04:44To using real deodorant
00:04:46No more of this
00:04:48Organic deodorant shit
00:04:49That lasts shorter
00:04:50Than fucking
00:04:51Fruit striped gum
00:04:52Okay
00:04:52No more
00:04:53Y'all remember that garbage?
00:04:56It would last two chews
00:04:58That's y'all
00:04:58Walking around
00:04:59Two smacks
00:05:00Stinking all over again
00:05:01Dude
00:05:02I'm so sick of it, man
00:05:05This hippie shit
00:05:06Is gonna be the death of me
00:05:07I swear
00:05:08If I hear one more person
00:05:10Blame how their life
00:05:11Is going on Mercury
00:05:13I will kill you myself
00:05:16Do you understand?
00:05:17You leave that
00:05:18God damn planet alone
00:05:20I am so tired
00:05:22Of you ladies
00:05:23Blaming your poor
00:05:24Decision making skills
00:05:25On planets
00:05:28That don't even know you
00:05:30Get this through your head
00:05:33Astrology is not
00:05:34This magical life guideline
00:05:36That predetermines your future
00:05:38In the stars
00:05:39No, none of that
00:05:40Your future is depended
00:05:42By your own thoughts
00:05:43Opinions and actions
00:05:44You are in complete control
00:05:45Of how your future turns out
00:05:46It's not up here
00:05:47It's in here
00:05:48The whole time
00:05:48It's up to you
00:05:49It has nothing to do
00:05:52With the stars, man
00:05:53Just because Jupiter
00:05:54Has a ring
00:05:55And you don't
00:05:55Doesn't mean
00:05:56Doesn't mean
00:06:00That's who you're
00:06:01Supposed to look up to
00:06:02For all this
00:06:02Magical advice, man
00:06:04And stop trying to
00:06:06Explain it so confidently
00:06:07You look stupid
00:06:08Every time
00:06:09It's so frustrating
00:06:11The girl of your dreams
00:06:12Will look you
00:06:13Straight in the eyes
00:06:13And say some dumb shit
00:06:14Like, do you even know
00:06:16How the universe works?
00:06:18No, but tell me, professor
00:06:20Well, there's a little planet
00:06:22Called Mercury
00:06:23And when it slows
00:06:23Detectation around the sun
00:06:24A little bit
00:06:24It causes it to go
00:06:25Into retrograde
00:06:2598 million miles away
00:06:26And that's why my life
00:06:27Is just an absolute shambles
00:06:29Do you know what I mean?
00:06:30Like, it's
00:06:30It's literally
00:06:32Not even up to me
00:06:33Like
00:06:33It's in the stars
00:06:35And like
00:06:36We're literally
00:06:37All stardust
00:06:38Do you know what I mean?
00:06:41Yeah, you're gonna die alone
00:06:42Because you can't
00:06:45Take responsibility
00:06:46For your own actions
00:06:47Your life isn't
00:06:49In shambles
00:06:49Because of a planet
00:06:50In the sky
00:06:51It's because
00:06:53You can't live
00:06:54Without a vape
00:06:55In your mouth
00:06:55And you only
00:06:57Fuck guys
00:06:58Who need to
00:06:58Borrow your car
00:06:59Okay?
00:07:01Yeah
00:07:02That's why
00:07:04Your life is in shambles
00:07:05You worried about
00:07:08Mercury
00:07:08While he crashed
00:07:09In your Saturn
00:07:10How stupid
00:07:10Do you feel?
00:07:12Wrong planet
00:07:16Bitch
00:07:16Guess again
00:07:17God
00:07:19It's gonna kill me
00:07:20Man
00:07:20I feel like
00:07:21It's a younger
00:07:21Generational
00:07:22Thing too, right?
00:07:24The crystals
00:07:24And astrology
00:07:25And all that
00:07:25Which makes sense
00:07:27Because I fucking
00:07:28Hate young people
00:07:29Dude
00:07:30I really do
00:07:31Oh
00:07:32Anybody
00:07:34Anybody
00:07:34My age
00:07:35Or younger
00:07:35You don't have
00:07:36Anything to offer
00:07:37Me, man
00:07:37I just
00:07:37You're so rude
00:07:39Young people
00:07:40People are so disrespectful
00:07:41Even when they're not
00:07:42Trying to be
00:07:42Like five months ago
00:07:44I got a tattoo
00:07:45Of John Lennon
00:07:46On the back of my arm
00:07:47And it's
00:07:48It's
00:07:48It's pretty fucking
00:07:49Obviously John Lennon
00:07:51Like it's
00:07:51It's a good tattoo
00:07:52And as soon as I posted
00:07:53On Instagram
00:07:54Everybody was like
00:07:55He's a Harry Potter fan?
00:07:57I was like
00:07:58Fuck these kids, dude
00:08:00That is so disrespectful
00:08:02To one of the greatest
00:08:03Musicians of all time
00:08:05Like John Lennon
00:08:06Got fucking
00:08:06Avada Kedavra
00:08:07In his back
00:08:08And that's why
00:08:08He's not here
00:08:09No
00:08:09Same glasses
00:08:11But he's the boy
00:08:11Who didn't live
00:08:12I know
00:08:14And if that made you sad
00:08:16You're my audience
00:08:17Good
00:08:17I like you a lot
00:08:18Good
00:08:18It also breaks my heart
00:08:20That's good
00:08:21I hate young people, dude
00:08:23And there's really
00:08:24No middle ground
00:08:25Because I hate young people
00:08:26And I
00:08:26I fucking
00:08:28Love
00:08:29Old people
00:08:32Oh
00:08:33Oh my god
00:08:36It is
00:08:37It is
00:08:38Really an unhealthy obsession
00:08:39It is
00:08:41Dude
00:08:41Oh bro
00:08:42I would fuck a grandma
00:08:42In a heartbeat
00:08:43I really would do it
00:08:44I'd do it
00:08:45You can
00:08:49I don't know if y'all
00:08:51Have done any research
00:08:52At all
00:08:52You can fuck as many
00:08:53Grandmas as you want
00:08:54There's not a single law
00:08:55Against it, dude
00:08:55As many as you want
00:08:56As many as you want
00:08:57You just gotta be gentle
00:08:58About it
00:08:59You know
00:08:59You can't
00:09:00Well yeah
00:09:01You can't choke them
00:09:01You gotta like
00:09:02Kink their oxygen
00:09:03You know what I mean
00:09:03Ah, not today
00:09:07Not today
00:09:08You're alright
00:09:09You're fine
00:09:10Walker it off
00:09:12Fuck being somebody's first
00:09:16You ever be somebody's last
00:09:17That's a flex, dude
00:09:19Oh my goodness
00:09:20That's
00:09:21That's where I thrive, baby
00:09:24I'm out here cleaning up
00:09:25They call me the trim reaper, dog
00:09:28I'm just out here
00:09:29Snatching souls
00:09:31You know what I mean
00:09:32You know what I mean
00:09:32Aw, dude
00:09:35I
00:09:35Dude
00:09:36I love old people so much
00:09:38Like the more an old person
00:09:40Is shaped like a candy cane
00:09:41Oh, dude
00:09:45I love a motherfucker
00:09:46Who just
00:09:47Ah
00:09:48He just can't even look up
00:09:52Like even he doesn't know
00:09:54Like even he doesn't know
00:09:54How much life is ahead of him
00:09:55You know what I mean
00:09:56Just
00:09:57That's the weight of a good life lived
00:09:59Fucking up his back, man
00:10:00Oh
00:10:01Your old person's gotta have bad posture, man
00:10:04That tells me you lived your life to the fullest
00:10:06If you meet an old person with good posture
00:10:08They dodge the draft
00:10:09100%
00:10:10And you don't have my respect
00:10:11Sorry
00:10:11Aw, man
00:10:13They gotta have bad posture
00:10:15Because the worse an old person's posture
00:10:17The better the stories
00:10:18How'd you get like that?
00:10:22That used to be my favorite part
00:10:23About visiting my great-grandmother
00:10:25At the hospice center
00:10:26She was at for her remaining years
00:10:28When I was a teenager
00:10:28She was at that facility
00:10:30Where they take care of you
00:10:30For like your remaining time
00:10:31And my mom would drop us off
00:10:33For like three or four hours at a time
00:10:35Which is great
00:10:36Obviously I want to spend time with my grandma
00:10:37But my grandma also had dementia
00:10:39So like 25 minutes in
00:10:42I could be like
00:10:42Alright, grandma
00:10:42I'm gonna go get some more water
00:10:44And she'd be like
00:10:44There's a lot of blacks now
00:10:45Like
00:10:46There's more for sure
00:10:50I could excuse myself
00:10:53And go do my own thing
00:10:54You know
00:10:54It's not that I didn't love my grandma
00:10:55I didn't want to hang out with her
00:10:56It's just that people with dementia
00:10:57Can't remember a lot
00:10:58You know
00:10:58So there's not a lot to talk about
00:10:59And it just so happened
00:11:01The guy Lenny
00:11:02In the room right next to her
00:11:03Remembered everything
00:11:05This guy was the coolest person
00:11:07I had ever met
00:11:08He was 97 years old
00:11:10And he had the coolest life
00:11:11I had ever heard of
00:11:11He would tell me story
00:11:12After story
00:11:14After story
00:11:14For hours and hours on end
00:11:15And they were captivating stories
00:11:17He lived a very full life
00:11:18He fought in three wars
00:11:20In his lifetime
00:11:20He climbed five mountains
00:11:23He um
00:11:24Yeah
00:11:25He told me
00:11:27He fucked Rosa Parks
00:11:28I know
00:11:31In the front of the bus
00:11:33And I was like
00:11:33I think you have dementia dog
00:11:38I don't think
00:11:38I don't think that happened
00:11:40The way you remembered it
00:11:41Also wouldn't the back of the bus
00:11:43Be more private
00:11:44I feel like you could really
00:11:45Put in some work back there
00:11:46But well
00:11:47That's the cons of being young
00:11:48I guess
00:11:49You can't fact check
00:11:50An old person's story
00:11:51You know what I mean
00:11:52I wasn't there
00:11:52I hate being young
00:11:54Dude
00:11:54I don't know nothing
00:11:55I'm 28
00:11:56I don't even know for sure
00:11:57That Michael Jackson was black
00:11:58Y'all keep saying it
00:12:02I didn't see it
00:12:03In every photo I've seen
00:12:05He was an Asian woman
00:12:06So I
00:12:07I'll never know
00:12:10That frustrates me to no end
00:12:13Man
00:12:13I love old people
00:12:14Dude
00:12:15I wish my entire audience
00:12:16Was like 65 and up
00:12:17Oh my god
00:12:18Yeah
00:12:19It'd be a much shorter career
00:12:20But
00:12:21When they take into consideration
00:12:25Who else they've seen
00:12:25In their lifetime
00:12:26It's kind of flattering
00:12:26You know
00:12:27What I love so much
00:12:29About old people's stories
00:12:30Like when I was hearing
00:12:31Lenny's stories
00:12:32For hours and hours on end
00:12:33Is it inspires me
00:12:34Like to think about
00:12:35The stories I'm gonna have
00:12:36To tell when I get to that age
00:12:37You know what I mean
00:12:38I hope I live a full life
00:12:39And have some
00:12:39Some fun stories to pass down
00:12:41I like hearing about
00:12:41His war stories
00:12:42His adventures
00:12:43His family stories
00:12:45That excited me the most
00:12:46I'm very excited
00:12:46To have a family someday
00:12:47Excited to have kids
00:12:48But
00:12:49Not now
00:12:50No not now
00:12:51Things are going very well
00:12:52I'm also terrified
00:12:56To have kids man
00:12:57Cause I've made fun
00:12:58Of a lot of people
00:12:59And if you believe in karma
00:13:02My kid is about to be
00:13:07Fucked up dude
00:13:09My kid is about to have
00:13:11Five legs
00:13:12And a shark fin
00:13:13On his back
00:13:13He is about to be
00:13:16A monstrosity
00:13:17Man I know
00:13:19I'm not mature enough
00:13:19To have that conversation
00:13:20When he's finally like
00:13:22Why am I like this
00:13:24Fuck
00:13:26I'm just there like
00:13:29Cause daddy's funny
00:13:34You know
00:13:36I've made a lot of people laugh
00:13:39So will you
00:13:41For different reasons
00:13:46But you know
00:13:47If they pay the admission
00:13:49I think it's mainly
00:13:53About timing for me
00:13:54I want to pick the right time
00:13:56To have kids
00:13:57Cause I'm 28
00:13:58So I mean realistically
00:13:59I have all the time
00:14:00In the world
00:14:01But
00:14:01Benefits of being a guy
00:14:03We don't have to like
00:14:04Rush into starting a family
00:14:05Or anything
00:14:05We can have kids
00:14:06Whenever we want
00:14:07Which I don't really think
00:14:08Is fair to women
00:14:09Considering women
00:14:10Are the ones
00:14:10Who literally have to
00:14:11Have the baby
00:14:13Doesn't really make sense
00:14:14That y'all would be the ones
00:14:15That have to like
00:14:16Compete against this
00:14:16Biological clock
00:14:17It seems kind of messed up
00:14:18Cause for women
00:14:20You can wait
00:14:21Till you're older
00:14:22Like the older you get
00:14:23Don't the odds
00:14:23Start to go up
00:14:24Of your kid being
00:14:26First to lunch
00:14:31We'll call it
00:14:32Is there a nicer way
00:14:35To say it
00:14:36You can groan
00:14:38All you want
00:14:38But don't act like
00:14:3925 minutes before
00:14:40You were allowed
00:14:41To go to lunch
00:14:42You didn't have to
00:14:42Watch these motherfuckers
00:14:43Just hauling ass
00:14:44Down the hall
00:14:45And you were just like
00:14:48God damn it
00:14:51Naruto is gonna drink up
00:14:55All the spaghetti
00:14:55Go
00:14:56Not to say
00:15:05It's a bad thing
00:15:06In fact
00:15:08I actually think
00:15:09It's kind of cool
00:15:10To see the way
00:15:10God works
00:15:11You know
00:15:11If you pay attention
00:15:13God always finds a way
00:15:14Of evening things out
00:15:15Right
00:15:15Like
00:15:16God always replaces
00:15:17A negative with a positive
00:15:18Anytime you see somebody
00:15:19Who is born
00:15:20Less fortunate
00:15:22In a certain aspect
00:15:23You don't gotta worry
00:15:24About that
00:15:24Because God's gonna bless them
00:15:26With an attribute
00:15:27A quality about themselves
00:15:29Sometimes even a skill set
00:15:30Kind of evens that playing field
00:15:32A little bit
00:15:32I noticed it first
00:15:34With my nephew
00:15:34Chase
00:15:35He's a teenager now
00:15:36But he's autistic
00:15:37As fuck
00:15:39Which
00:15:40Is probably not
00:15:41The medical term
00:15:42But he
00:15:42He got it
00:15:44For sure
00:15:45He's
00:15:47He's non-verbal
00:15:49That's his thing
00:15:50Like unless you are his mom
00:15:51He will not speak
00:15:52To you
00:15:52No eye contact
00:15:53Won't even acknowledge
00:15:54You're in the room
00:15:54It's pretty rude
00:15:55But that's
00:15:56That's his symptom
00:15:59You know
00:15:59But get this
00:16:00His blessing
00:16:01His blessing
00:16:02Is that he can paint
00:16:03Even as a teenager
00:16:05He paints better
00:16:06Than any art teacher
00:16:07I've ever had
00:16:08I just think
00:16:08It's kind of cool
00:16:08To see the way
00:16:09That God always finds a way
00:16:10Of evening things out
00:16:12It's really impressive to me
00:16:13And
00:16:14I wish I would have known
00:16:17To look for that stuff sooner
00:16:18Because it might have changed
00:16:19My perspective
00:16:19On a lot of things
00:16:20Growing up
00:16:20There was a kid
00:16:21Alex in our high school
00:16:22Alex was the same age as me
00:16:24We entered high school together
00:16:25Freshman year
00:16:26Had gym class together
00:16:27He was special needs
00:16:28And he
00:16:29He had
00:16:30He
00:16:35He had a
00:16:36Dick
00:16:37On him
00:16:38Man
00:16:38I don't
00:16:39I don't know how else
00:16:40To tell y'all that
00:16:41That boy was
00:16:42Blessed
00:16:43Man
00:16:43People felt sorry for him
00:16:46I was like
00:16:46Nah fuck that dude
00:16:47He's been terrorizing us
00:16:48In the locker room
00:16:49For the whole semester
00:16:50Man
00:16:50Got us all backed up
00:16:52Against the locker
00:16:53He's like
00:16:53God damn
00:16:55Alex
00:16:55That's where the extra
00:16:57Chromosome goes
00:16:59Good for you
00:17:02Man
00:17:03And to this day
00:17:04He's the nicest person
00:17:05I've ever met
00:17:06I hope he's out there
00:17:06Hurting somebody right now
00:17:07I really do
00:17:08She needs the helmet
00:17:11You know
00:17:12They don't always
00:17:12They don't always know
00:17:14Their own strength
00:17:15You know what I mean
00:17:15But he's
00:17:15He's a good dude
00:17:16He deserves
00:17:17Every inch of it
00:17:18And
00:17:18Yeah
00:17:21We used to say
00:17:21He had
00:17:22Dick you down syndrome
00:17:23Yeah
00:17:24Big shout out
00:17:27To Alex man
00:17:28Big shout out
00:17:29To Alex
00:17:29Yeah
00:17:31Short bust
00:17:33But a long dick
00:17:34Man
00:17:35And that's
00:17:35That's balance
00:17:37You know what I mean
00:17:38That's what life's all about
00:17:39At the end of the day
00:17:40Balance
00:17:40You can't have everything
00:17:42Sometimes you're just funny
00:17:46It's fine
00:18:00I still fucked him up
00:18:04In dodgeball
00:18:04Out of pure jealousy
00:18:07I was like
00:18:08You're not even using it
00:18:09Yeah but
00:18:16God works in mysterious ways
00:18:19Huh
00:18:19You know what's funny
00:18:23I know I've mentioned God
00:18:24Like eight times
00:18:24In the past two minutes
00:18:25I'm really not even
00:18:27The most religious person
00:18:27I'm really not
00:18:28I hope there's a God
00:18:29I pray every day
00:18:31That there is a God
00:18:32It'd make a lot of sense
00:18:33Answer a lot of questions
00:18:34For sure
00:18:34It's tricky sometimes
00:18:36You know
00:18:36Certain things will happen in life
00:18:38Make you question faith
00:18:38A little bit
00:18:39It's hard to pick a religion man
00:18:41It's
00:18:43I say it's hard to pick a religion
00:18:44But I do still wear
00:18:46A cross chain
00:18:48Yeah
00:18:49Yeah
00:18:49But for the same reason
00:18:52You bring a condom
00:18:53On the first date
00:18:53You know
00:18:54I hope I don't gotta use it
00:18:57But you know
00:18:58Just in case
00:19:00In case I die
00:19:02And Jesus is like
00:19:03You know you ain't getting in here
00:19:04Nah son
00:19:05I bought the wristband
00:19:06I bought the wristband
00:19:07Let me in
00:19:11I paid for this meet greet
00:19:15Where your dad at?
00:19:24Yeah religion's
00:19:26It's tricky man
00:19:27But I've always respected it
00:19:29Always respected religion
00:19:30Everybody's religion
00:19:31I give the utmost respect for
00:19:32I think it's very important
00:19:34For people to have something
00:19:35To believe in
00:19:35You know
00:19:36My ex tried to drive it home
00:19:37Pretty heavy
00:19:38She was super religious
00:19:39My ex was one of the most
00:19:41Religious people I had ever met
00:19:42Which is hilarious
00:19:44Because she is not
00:19:45Getting into heaven bro
00:19:46Not
00:19:47Not a fucking chance man
00:19:49Not even as my plus one
00:19:51Like she gonna have to
00:19:52She gonna have to chill
00:19:53For a couple centuries
00:19:54Outside these gates man
00:19:55She was so religious
00:19:58But just
00:19:58Not a good person
00:20:01Like
00:20:01Do you guys know people like that?
00:20:04Like they're so religious
00:20:05That you're like
00:20:06You're compensating
00:20:08A little bit
00:20:09Like what kind of Christian
00:20:11Wakes up to read the bible
00:20:12Every morning
00:20:13When last night
00:20:13All you wanted me to do
00:20:14Was lick your butt
00:20:15Like what
00:20:16What psalm is that
00:20:19Jezebel
00:20:20And how'd you get me to do it?
00:20:24That's the bigger question
00:20:25See that's fucking disgusting man
00:20:28You don't understand
00:20:29I don't even eat onions dog
00:20:31I never thought
00:20:32I'd do nothing like that
00:20:32I don't
00:20:33I don't know what came over me
00:20:34I don't
00:20:34I don't know if it was
00:20:35The butt holy spirit
00:20:36Or what
00:20:37But that shit just
00:20:38Had your boy speaking in tongues
00:20:40You know what I mean
00:20:41Just
00:20:41Still broke up
00:20:48If you ever eat someone's ass
00:20:51Then break up
00:20:52It's the worst last supper ever
00:20:55Dude
00:20:56It's just
00:20:57It's disgusting
00:21:01Tastes like betrayal and pennies
00:21:06But
00:21:11It's her religion
00:21:14You know
00:21:14I don't
00:21:17You know
00:21:17I don't discredit anybody's beliefs
00:21:19I believe in things
00:21:20I do have beliefs
00:21:22They might not be as deep rooted
00:21:23As religion
00:21:23But I do believe in things
00:21:25That do affect my life
00:21:26To a pretty severe degree
00:21:26For example
00:21:28I'm a terrible sleeper
00:21:30I have terrible
00:21:31Terrible
00:21:31Terrible
00:21:32Sleep problems
00:21:32And part of that
00:21:34Is to do with
00:21:34The fact that
00:21:35One of my biggest beliefs
00:21:36Is in ghosts and monsters
00:21:39I'm a 28 year old grown man
00:21:43And my biggest fear
00:21:43Is the dark
00:21:44Dude
00:21:44You don't know what's in there
00:21:45You have no clue
00:21:46I'll tell you what's in there
00:21:47Ghosts and monsters
00:21:48And y'all look ridiculous
00:21:49For not being more concerned
00:21:51About it
00:21:51On a day to day basis
00:21:52Dude
00:21:52They're so real
00:21:54And I'm such a bitch
00:21:55Man
00:21:56I really am
00:21:56I
00:21:57I literally have to sleep
00:21:59With my TV on
00:22:00Every single night
00:22:01Cause I've really convinced myself
00:22:03That if the TV's on
00:22:05The ghosts are gonna think
00:22:07I have people over
00:22:09So
00:22:10I'll just be like
00:22:12Chiming in to shit
00:22:13That I'm watching
00:22:13Like just doing too much
00:22:15Just
00:22:15Ah
00:22:15That's crazy
00:22:18How much fun
00:22:19We're all having in here
00:22:21Just me and 12
00:22:24Of the biggest black dudes
00:22:25You've ever seen
00:22:27Hanging out
00:22:29Watching Mean Girls
00:22:30You know
00:22:31You gotta
00:22:32You gotta lay down
00:22:33Some ground rules
00:22:34You know
00:22:34You gotta let these ghosts know
00:22:35They're not safe in your house
00:22:36You know
00:22:37You squatted up in there
00:22:38They don't know
00:22:3912 black dudes
00:22:40Ain't afraid of nothing
00:22:41Except for people
00:22:43Dress like ghosts
00:22:44Yeah
00:22:48I told y'all monsters are real
00:22:52I just
00:22:56I do not mess with ghosts man
00:22:58You can't even confront them
00:23:00Cause the ironic thing about ghosts
00:23:03Is like
00:23:03The more innocent
00:23:04And approachable
00:23:05A ghost should be
00:23:06The scarier it is
00:23:07The ghost of a child
00:23:09Get the fuck away from me
00:23:11Dude
00:23:11I don't know if you're a demon
00:23:13Or an amber alert
00:23:14But I want you out of my house
00:23:15Right now man
00:23:16Those are always the scariest ones
00:23:19Just showing up in your hallways
00:23:20And shit
00:23:20Come play with us
00:23:22They're always British
00:23:24For some reason
00:23:25All dead kids are British
00:23:26When they're a ghost
00:23:27For no reason at all
00:23:28Little dead British kids
00:23:29Always want to play
00:23:30I don't even know
00:23:33What an American kid ghost
00:23:34Would say
00:23:35But that'd be terrifying to hear
00:23:37Can you imagine
00:23:39Crawling into bed at 3am
00:23:40And then you hear
00:23:41I hate this school
00:23:43Ch-ch
00:23:46Just seeing if y'all are still fun
00:23:58Just wanted to see
00:23:59Just wanted to see
00:24:00Just checking in
00:24:01Nah dude
00:24:04Ghosts are terrifying man
00:24:07The only thing that scares me
00:24:09More than ghosts
00:24:10Is monsters
00:24:11I'm pretty sick of y'all
00:24:12Not taking them serious
00:24:13Cause they're all over the place man
00:24:16That's the thing about monsters
00:24:18Nobody knows quite where they're at
00:24:20Everybody has different theories
00:24:21As of where they think monsters hide
00:24:22I've heard weird places
00:24:23I've heard like
00:24:24Closed shower curtain
00:24:26Like I know people
00:24:27Who won't use a restroom
00:24:28Unless they open the shower curtain first
00:24:30To make sure this motherfucker
00:24:31Isn't in there lathering up
00:24:32With all the three in one
00:24:34It turns out he's been the one
00:24:36Taking fistfuls of hair
00:24:37Against the shower walls
00:24:38For all those years
00:24:38A little skeptical about that one
00:24:43Some places make more sense than others
00:24:46The closet is a big one
00:24:48It's pretty standard
00:24:48Plenty of people are afraid
00:24:50Of a monster coming out of the closet
00:24:51Middle of the night
00:24:51Just eating you up
00:24:53That checks out
00:24:55That's fucking terrifying
00:24:56You can't have a monster
00:24:57Coming out of the closet
00:24:58That's scary
00:24:59Twice
00:24:59You're telling me
00:25:06Not only is there a monster
00:25:08In my room
00:25:08But maybe he's gay
00:25:11You said he was gonna eat me up
00:25:17You didn't say dick first
00:25:18You left out so many details
00:25:20Now I've just got this gay darkness
00:25:24Roaming around my bedroom
00:25:26I'm being haunted by Lil Nas X
00:25:29You let me know
00:25:29You let me know
00:25:30I want to know
00:25:36If the next song's about me
00:25:37Like why'd he choose my closet
00:25:40You know
00:25:41Like it's
00:25:42That's less scary
00:25:44More flattering
00:25:44I can get on board with that
00:25:46Closet makes sense
00:25:48I will say
00:25:50Probably the number one spot
00:25:51That's most common
00:25:52That I was never really afraid
00:25:53Of a monster hiding there
00:25:55Was under the bed
00:25:57And I know
00:25:58It's one of the more common places
00:26:00Especially when you're a kid
00:26:00You'd be afraid of like
00:26:02A monster's hand coming up
00:26:03And like grabbing your leg
00:26:04Or something
00:26:04Never scared me
00:26:07I think because I started
00:26:09Masturbating pretty early
00:26:10So by 11 or 12
00:26:13I was like
00:26:13Hey
00:26:14If a hand reach up here
00:26:17He just helping
00:26:21You know what I mean
00:26:22I'm the monster now
00:26:24You know bro
00:26:26He ain't even built for that bro
00:26:28I would dick my bed demon down
00:26:30Dude
00:26:30He not even built for those kind of rounds
00:26:33He'd be catching feelings
00:26:34Getting possessive and shit
00:26:35He knocking on my headboard
00:26:38At 3am
00:26:38He's like
00:26:38You up
00:26:39I'm like
00:26:40I got school in the morning dog
00:26:42Chill out
00:26:42Chill chill chill chill chill chill chill chill
00:26:43God damn
00:26:44You not full
00:26:47I just didn't think
00:26:53He could fit under there man
00:26:54I was like
00:26:56There's no way
00:26:56There's room for a monster
00:26:57And all those towels
00:26:58Under my bed
00:26:59You know what I mean
00:27:00And if there is one
00:27:02He is crunchy
00:27:03You know
00:27:03He ain't
00:27:04He ain't sneaking up on nobody
00:27:06It's way too loud
00:27:07You can hear a semen demon
00:27:12Coming from a mile away
00:27:13Man
00:27:14You really can't
00:27:15They
00:27:15They ain't got no stealth
00:27:17At all
00:27:18It's a damn shame
00:27:20However
00:27:26Piggybacking off of
00:27:29Semen demons
00:27:30There is another monster
00:27:33People are pretty commonly afraid of
00:27:35I feel like we should talk about
00:27:36Clowns
00:27:38Yeah
00:27:39A lot of people don't fuck with clowns
00:27:40Even though you've dated a few
00:27:41That's on you
00:27:42Still
00:27:43Still a respectable fear
00:27:45I get it
00:27:46I'm not personally afraid of clowns
00:27:48But I get it
00:27:48I've got four sisters
00:27:50And they're terrified of clowns
00:27:52Cause when I was about 13 years old
00:27:54We all watched the original It movies
00:27:57For anybody who has no idea what I'm talking about
00:27:59There's a movie called It
00:28:01It's based on a Stephen King book
00:28:03And it's about this like
00:28:04Killer
00:28:04Demon
00:28:05Monster
00:28:06Clown
00:28:07Who
00:28:08Lives in the sewer system
00:28:10And he comes up through the drains
00:28:11To like
00:28:11Eat children
00:28:12That's
00:28:12That's the whole movie
00:28:13That's him as a monster
00:28:14And we watched this movie
00:28:15At my grandpa's house
00:28:16And it scared my sisters
00:28:18So bad
00:28:19They didn't shower
00:28:21For three weeks
00:28:23Like that's how terrified
00:28:25They were
00:28:26That he was gonna come up
00:28:27Through the drains
00:28:27And eat them
00:28:28When they were kids
00:28:29But they didn't know
00:28:30That by that time
00:28:31I had been jerking off
00:28:35In the shower
00:28:35You know what I mean
00:28:36So like
00:28:36He been eating my children
00:28:38You know what I mean
00:28:39Like I figured
00:28:40I figured we built a good rapport
00:28:42And understanding
00:28:43You know what I mean
00:28:44Like you're not gonna kill the cow
00:28:46You get the milk for free
00:28:47Right
00:28:47Like that's just
00:28:47That's bad business 101
00:28:49You know
00:28:50His name is Pennywise
00:28:51But he be eating quarter loads
00:28:53I'll tell you that much right now
00:28:54That boy
00:28:55That boy eating good
00:28:57Down there man
00:28:58And they all float
00:29:00Don't they fellas
00:29:01Right on top of the water
00:29:02Like an oil spill
00:29:04You shouldn't be jerking off
00:29:08In the shower anyways man
00:29:09That's how you get
00:29:09Early onset candy cane
00:29:11Cause you just hunched over
00:29:12In that hot water
00:29:13You get molded
00:29:15Like a mouthpiece
00:29:16It's also a waste of your time
00:29:19Cause if you miss the drain directly
00:29:21And it gets somewhere on the tub
00:29:23You gotta spend the next 12 minutes
00:29:24Of your shower
00:29:25Just gathering water
00:29:26Like
00:29:26It's gotta be a direct hit
00:29:36Or it does no damage
00:29:37At all
00:29:38And I'm realizing right now
00:29:40I need more guy fans
00:29:41That would help a lot
00:29:42If this room was 70% dudes
00:29:46The way it is women
00:29:46This joke would have been like
00:29:47Because all the dudes get it
00:29:52And every girl is like
00:29:53Is it a jellyfish?
00:29:54Like why
00:29:55Why would it stick to
00:29:57Kind of consistency wise
00:29:59It's not far off
00:29:59From a jellyfish
00:30:00It's disgusting
00:30:02Whatever it is man
00:30:03Guys are so gross
00:30:06Luckily we're funny on accident
00:30:10I think that's what helps us
00:30:12Get through like
00:30:12The embarrassment of puberty
00:30:14Cause you ladies
00:30:15Would lose your mind
00:30:17If you really saw
00:30:17How much of a shit show
00:30:18It is to be a young man
00:30:20Trying to learn
00:30:21How to masturbate
00:30:22Proficiently
00:30:23Oh dude
00:30:24It's just embarrassing mistake
00:30:26After embarrassing mistake
00:30:27I mean I suppose
00:30:29Nobody understands
00:30:30The difficulty
00:30:30More than women
00:30:31Cause how y'all figure out
00:30:33Your own little fidget spinner
00:30:34On your own
00:30:35I'll never understand
00:30:38In a million years
00:30:38Y'all are just thrown
00:30:40To the wilderness
00:30:40With no owner's manual
00:30:41Or nothing
00:30:42Just forced to figure it out
00:30:43For yourself
00:30:44And you do
00:30:44All by yourself
00:30:46And I'm so proud
00:30:47Of each and every one of you
00:30:48I really am
00:30:49Thanks
00:30:50Cause if you didn't
00:30:56We never would
00:30:57Literally ever
00:30:57You already have to walk us
00:31:00Through every step of the way
00:31:02And even that's exhausting
00:31:04In the simplest form
00:31:05Fellas
00:31:07How many times
00:31:09Have you fingered a girl
00:31:10For so long
00:31:13You wake up the next day
00:31:16Like
00:31:16Ah
00:31:18Ah
00:31:20Ah
00:31:20Did I go fucking
00:31:22Bowling last night
00:31:23Did I indoor rock climb
00:31:27For nine hours
00:31:28I'm walking around
00:31:30The next day
00:31:31Pointing at shit
00:31:31Like spider-man
00:31:32Cause I can't
00:31:33I can't straighten
00:31:35My tendons anymore
00:31:36I can't grip shit
00:31:38The next day
00:31:39It's like
00:31:40Great
00:31:40Yeah
00:31:40You came
00:31:41And I got cerebral palsy
00:31:42Awesome
00:31:43Yeah
00:31:43It hurts man
00:31:48You ladies
00:31:49You ladies are very strong
00:31:50Good job
00:31:50Yeah women definitely
00:31:54Have it harder
00:31:54There's no argument there
00:31:55I think men just
00:31:57Have it more embarrassing
00:31:58Cause we don't
00:31:59We don't take
00:32:00Anybody's advice
00:32:01We only learn
00:32:02Via trial and error
00:32:03And you don't forget
00:32:04Those errors
00:32:05Every man in this room
00:32:06Has been caught
00:32:07Whether you know it or not
00:32:10You're not as sneaky
00:32:13As you think you are
00:32:14And it's good
00:32:15That has to happen
00:32:16You have to figure out
00:32:17Your system
00:32:17You know now
00:32:18As an adult man
00:32:19Every guy in this room
00:32:19Knows how to do it
00:32:20Where to do it
00:32:21When to do it
00:32:22How to adjust
00:32:22According to time zones
00:32:24And solstices
00:32:24There's a whole
00:32:25There's a whole rigamarole
00:32:27That goes on
00:32:27But we have to figure that out
00:32:28The hard way
00:32:29You know
00:32:29And thank god
00:32:31I never got caught
00:32:32Like in the act
00:32:33I don't know how
00:32:34I would have recovered
00:32:35From that
00:32:35But I do remember
00:32:37Getting caught with porn
00:32:38For the first time
00:32:39And I was
00:32:40Oh boy
00:32:41I was 12 years old
00:32:45And yeah
00:32:46In my defense
00:32:47I wasn't looking for porn
00:32:48When I found it
00:32:48I was looking for Christmas presents
00:32:50In my parents bedroom
00:32:51Because it was middle of December
00:32:54And when I get home from school
00:32:55There was always a couple hour window
00:32:56Before my mom would get home
00:32:57From work first
00:32:58Right
00:32:58And I knew they had been
00:33:00Christmas shopping
00:33:00So of course
00:33:01I broke into their room
00:33:02I was snooping around
00:33:03The first place I checked
00:33:05Was under the bed
00:33:05My bed monster was under there
00:33:07Like oh you looking for another bitch
00:33:08And I was like
00:33:09Not now
00:33:11Different mission
00:33:12Okay
00:33:12Closet
00:33:17That's where you keep the goods
00:33:20Right
00:33:20So I go over to the closet
00:33:22Confidently
00:33:23Wing it open
00:33:24Nothing
00:33:28So I was about to just give up
00:33:32And go back to my room
00:33:33And I heard a voice
00:33:34I don't know if it came from
00:33:35In my head
00:33:36Or under the bed
00:33:37But it said
00:33:37Check the top shelf
00:33:40So I did
00:33:48And at first glance
00:33:51It was a typical top shelf
00:33:53Of a parent's closet
00:33:53It was some blankets
00:33:54Folded up at the front
00:33:55Some hoodies to the side
00:33:56But what caught my eye
00:33:58Was a piece of blue cardboard
00:33:59Sticking up from behind the blankets
00:34:01So I brought the blankets down
00:34:03And it revealed this
00:34:04This gigantic
00:34:06Bud Light beer box
00:34:08Like one of the huge cases
00:34:11You know like the 64 can counts
00:34:12Of Bud Light
00:34:13Do you guys have stepdads?
00:34:14You know the ones I'm talking about?
00:34:16Yeah
00:34:17The this ain't my real family
00:34:19Case of beer
00:34:19But I knew
00:34:22Even at 12
00:34:23I knew
00:34:23I was like
00:34:24That's not where beer goes
00:34:25I bet you there's presents
00:34:27In there
00:34:28And boy was there
00:34:30Bro I brought this box down
00:34:34It was the biggest box of porn
00:34:36Anyone has ever seen
00:34:37It was a whole box
00:34:39Filled with like
00:34:4040 VHS tapes
00:34:42That my stepdad
00:34:44Had accumulated
00:34:45Over his career
00:34:47I guess
00:34:48And I'm
00:34:48I'm just sifting through them
00:34:51You know
00:34:51They're all labeled
00:34:52Different weird things
00:34:53One of them was like
00:34:54April 2003
00:34:55Which was terrifying
00:34:57Because that's my mom's name
00:34:58I know
00:35:01I was like
00:35:01June, July, August
00:35:02Better be in this bitch somewhere
00:35:03Like this better be
00:35:04This better be a time stamp
00:35:06And not therapy forever
00:35:08Couldn't risk it
00:35:10Chose a blank one
00:35:11Off the top
00:35:12I put the box back
00:35:13Put the blankets back
00:35:13Exactly the way I found
00:35:14I ran to my room with it
00:35:15I had a VHS player in my room
00:35:16And I watched it
00:35:17A lot
00:35:19The first one was for me
00:35:22Obviously treat yourself
00:35:23You know
00:35:23But
00:35:24After that first time
00:35:25I was really in there
00:35:26Just taking down notes
00:35:27Because not
00:35:28Not a lot of women
00:35:29Really know
00:35:30How important porn is
00:35:31To the learning process
00:35:32Of a young man
00:35:33Because before we see porn
00:35:35We don't know
00:35:36Anything
00:35:37And we really pretend
00:35:39Like we do
00:35:39So this is a bombshell
00:35:41Of new information
00:35:41To try to absorb
00:35:42It's very confusing as well
00:35:44Because when you're that young
00:35:45And inexperienced
00:35:46You have no idea
00:35:48That porn
00:35:48Is not real sex
00:35:51At that age
00:35:52You can't even fathom
00:35:53But those are two
00:35:54Totally different things
00:35:55After I watched this one movie
00:35:56I thought you could only have sex
00:35:58With five other people
00:35:59I thought all sex
00:36:02Was gangbangs
00:36:03And I was like
00:36:03Huh
00:36:04I need more
00:36:05And better friends
00:36:06Not Alex
00:36:09It's also a lot of
00:36:15Positive information
00:36:16That we do need
00:36:17Because we're so stupid
00:36:18And we're so confident
00:36:19At that age
00:36:20You ever talk to a middle school boy
00:36:21We're all like
00:36:22I fucked a hundred girls
00:36:24Last recess bro
00:36:25You're a virgin
00:36:27And then we'll finally see porn
00:36:29A year later
00:36:30And we're like
00:36:30Oh shit
00:36:32Pussy is so much lower
00:36:35Than I thought it was
00:36:36But before we see porn
00:36:39Every boy thinks
00:36:40A pussy is right here
00:36:41Dog
00:36:41Like we
00:36:42We think we walk
00:36:43Dick first
00:36:44Into your belly button
00:36:45And that's just
00:36:46That's what doing sex is
00:36:48You know what I mean
00:36:49You hope she got an innie
00:36:51So it's
00:36:58It's a lot of new information
00:36:59To try to digest
00:37:00You know
00:37:00And I'm enjoying myself
00:37:01I'm excited
00:37:02Can't wait to go to school
00:37:03The next day
00:37:03Tell my friends
00:37:04I know I'm gonna be the man
00:37:05You know
00:37:05But because I was so caught up
00:37:07In the excitement
00:37:08I made the biggest rookie mistake
00:37:10I didn't even think
00:37:11To
00:37:12Put it back
00:37:14I put the box back
00:37:16I put the blankets back
00:37:17But I was like
00:37:17He's got plenty
00:37:18There's no way
00:37:20He's gonna notice
00:37:21One missing
00:37:21Right
00:37:22Wrong
00:37:22The same night dude
00:37:26Around 11pm that night
00:37:27I didn't even get this tape
00:37:28For 24 hours
00:37:29I'm in my room
00:37:32I'm packing up everything
00:37:32For school the next day
00:37:33Backpack's full
00:37:34I'm crawling in bed
00:37:35I'm fucking exhausted
00:37:37From all the notes
00:37:42And I'm you know
00:37:45Nice and cozy
00:37:46Under the sheets
00:37:46Comfy under the covers
00:37:48And I hear my stepdad
00:37:50Come home from working
00:37:51His late night shift
00:37:52And all the sounds
00:37:54In the house
00:37:54Were incredibly routine
00:37:55Every single night
00:37:56I could paint the picture
00:37:57And see what he was doing
00:37:58Without actually even seeing
00:37:59What he was doing
00:38:00All the sounds
00:38:00Were the same every night
00:38:01You'd hear him come
00:38:02Through the garage
00:38:02Into the kitchen
00:38:03Crack a beer at the fridge
00:38:05Come through the living room
00:38:06Into the bedroom
00:38:06Where you'd hear him
00:38:08Turn on the shower
00:38:08To shower and get out
00:38:09His work clothes
00:38:10Right
00:38:10Just like every night
00:38:11Only this night
00:38:13I hear him crack the beer
00:38:15Come through the living room
00:38:17Into the bedroom
00:38:18No shower
00:38:21Just like 20-25 seconds
00:38:25Of silence
00:38:25And then I hear
00:38:28Throughout the house
00:38:30What the fuck
00:38:33And I'm in my room
00:38:44Like that could be anything
00:38:45I hope my mom's
00:38:49Cheating in there
00:38:50I hope he walked in
00:38:53On five other people
00:38:54In his house
00:38:54Because that exclamation
00:38:59Was followed
00:39:00By another two minutes
00:39:02Of just silence
00:39:04So I'm in my room
00:39:06Like what the fuck
00:39:07Is going on
00:39:08Because then I hear
00:39:11The footsteps again
00:39:12They're getting closer
00:39:16And heavier
00:39:18I'm sweating and hard
00:39:20A terrifying combination
00:39:21At that age
00:39:22It was the first time
00:39:25In my life
00:39:25I had hoped
00:39:26Mysterious footsteps
00:39:27Was a ghost
00:39:28Preferably the ghost
00:39:30Of my real dad
00:39:31So that this wasn't
00:39:31About to happen
00:39:32Because I knew
00:39:34He was going to
00:39:35Whoop my ass
00:39:35I knew I was in trouble
00:39:36My bed monster
00:39:37Was holding my hand
00:39:38I'm like
00:39:38Not right now
00:39:38No right now
00:39:39Maybe after
00:39:42We'll see how this goes
00:39:42And the footsteps
00:39:45Stop at my bedroom door
00:39:47And I'm like
00:39:49Fuck
00:39:50And the door creaks open
00:39:53And my stepdad
00:39:57Leans in
00:39:59And all he says
00:40:01Is
00:40:01I'm missing something
00:40:05I know you know
00:40:14What I know
00:40:17And when I get home
00:40:20From work tomorrow
00:40:21I want it back
00:40:24And rewound
00:40:27I was like
00:40:40To the beginning
00:40:41Or were you finished
00:40:42Like how
00:40:43We got to come up
00:40:45With some kind of
00:40:46Time system now
00:40:47You know what I mean
00:40:47This is our collection now
00:40:49Okay
00:40:49He was like
00:40:51You want to be grounded
00:40:52I was like
00:40:52You going to keep me
00:40:53In my room with this movie
00:40:54I guess lock me up
00:40:55You know what I mean
00:40:56All summer baby
00:40:57I'm good
00:40:58It was a real turning point
00:41:00In he and I's relationship
00:41:01Because my stepdad
00:41:02And I hated each other
00:41:03We had nothing in common
00:41:04But we finally had a thing
00:41:06I finally had leverage
00:41:09For once
00:41:10Neither one of us
00:41:10Could snitch on the other person
00:41:11Without losing everything
00:41:12You know
00:41:13It was nice
00:41:13I was like
00:41:14You can either beat me
00:41:15Or your dick
00:41:15You ain't gonna do both
00:41:16Okay
00:41:16Deal
00:41:19Deal
00:41:21That's how we bonded
00:41:30You know
00:41:31It was nice
00:41:31Oh man
00:41:34Yeah
00:41:40That was a good bonding experience
00:41:42Man
00:41:42And the internet
00:41:45Had to come and ruin everything
00:41:46I mean
00:41:48I like internet porn
00:41:49But you can't even bond
00:41:49With your family anymore
00:41:50Man
00:41:50I hate the internet
00:41:54I really do
00:41:55Social media especially
00:41:57I can't stand social media
00:41:58Which I know is crazy
00:41:59For y'all to hear
00:41:59Because it's
00:42:00Why you're all here
00:42:01Yeah
00:42:03It's a fun fact
00:42:04For y'all to know
00:42:04About me
00:42:05I hate social media
00:42:06I never wanted to do it
00:42:07I put it off for years
00:42:08I can't stand it
00:42:09I think social media
00:42:10Is awful
00:42:10It's such a negative
00:42:11Toxic place
00:42:12It's full of horrible people
00:42:13Saying horrible things
00:42:15All the time
00:42:15It's the worst place
00:42:16To never exist
00:42:17It's awful
00:42:22What people say
00:42:23These people
00:42:24These trolls
00:42:26Bunch of fucking losers
00:42:29With no friends
00:42:31And no life
00:42:32And no profile picture
00:42:34Sit at a home all day
00:42:37Trying to cancel people
00:42:38Or say mean comments
00:42:40Because their life sucks
00:42:41So fucking bad
00:42:42They can't possibly imagine
00:42:44A life of misery
00:42:45By themselves
00:42:45So they have to try
00:42:46To drag other people down
00:42:47By leaving mean comments
00:42:49And saying rude stuff
00:42:50I respond every time
00:42:53Every time dude
00:42:54I can't not
00:42:56I can't
00:42:57I cannot fathom a reality
00:42:58Where people can talk to you
00:42:59As disrespectful as they want
00:43:01Without facing any
00:43:02Physical consequences
00:43:03That drives me
00:43:04Absolutely insane man
00:43:06And I know
00:43:06I know
00:43:10I know
00:43:11As a public figure
00:43:13I'm supposed to be like
00:43:14The bigger person
00:43:15And take the high road
00:43:17But fucking
00:43:18Kill yourself
00:43:19Dude
00:43:19I
00:43:20That goes for any
00:43:22Internet shit talker
00:43:23Out there man
00:43:24And I know
00:43:25That's a harsh thing
00:43:26To say to somebody
00:43:26But the way I see it
00:43:27Nobody who's a good person
00:43:29And actually contributes
00:43:30Anything positive
00:43:31To society
00:43:32Is ever gonna go
00:43:33Out of their way
00:43:34To leave a negative comment
00:43:35Under something
00:43:35You have been so brave
00:43:36As to create
00:43:37And share with the rest
00:43:38Of the world
00:43:38And we just don't need
00:43:39People like that at all
00:43:40Sorry
00:43:41It's just insane
00:43:47The lengths people
00:43:48Will go to
00:43:49To talk shit
00:43:49On the internet man
00:43:50Earlier this year
00:43:52We were flying
00:43:52From Los Angeles
00:43:53Up to Vancouver
00:43:54Canada
00:43:55For a comedy festival
00:43:56I had one show
00:43:57One night
00:43:58It was a 36 hour trip
00:43:59Real quick in and out
00:44:00Right
00:44:00Heading to the airport
00:44:01The only thing I've brought
00:44:02With me for this quick trip
00:44:03Is my backpack
00:44:04Which you would think
00:44:05Would be ideal
00:44:06Except for it's an inconvenience
00:44:07As soon as you get
00:44:08To the airport
00:44:08Because TSA
00:44:09Doesn't know where
00:44:10The fuck a backpack goes
00:44:11And they change the rules
00:44:13Every day
00:44:14And then they'll treat you
00:44:15Like you're a complete idiot
00:44:16For not knowing
00:44:17They're made up set of rules
00:44:18This specific occasion
00:44:21I get through TSA
00:44:22Little to no issues
00:44:23They don't have to like
00:44:24Pull the bag aside
00:44:25Or anything like that
00:44:26So now I'm heading to the gate
00:44:27Heading to the plane
00:44:28And I'm actually pretty excited
00:44:29About the flight
00:44:30Because it's not that long
00:44:31Of a flight
00:44:31And I know I have
00:44:32A window seat
00:44:33Which is inarguably
00:44:34The best seat
00:44:34On the plane
00:44:35Yeah
00:44:36Yeah
00:44:37Until the end of the flight
00:44:39Because you know
00:44:41How they always come by
00:44:42To let you know
00:44:42They're about to land
00:44:4355 minutes
00:44:47Before they're about to land
00:44:48And they will
00:44:50And they will wake you up
00:44:53From your window slumber
00:44:54Just to say some stupid shit
00:44:55Like I need you to put
00:44:57Your window shade
00:44:58All the way up
00:44:59For landing
00:45:00Like this motherfucker
00:45:02Checking his blind spot
00:45:03In 28F
00:45:04So I'm at least
00:45:15Looking forward
00:45:16To getting a little nap
00:45:17On the flight
00:45:17You know
00:45:18So we're boarding the planes
00:45:19A smaller plane
00:45:20One of the smaller planes
00:45:21You've all been on
00:45:21Where like the overhead bins
00:45:23Are so small
00:45:23They make you gate check
00:45:24All your luggage
00:45:25So I lucked out
00:45:26Just having the backpack
00:45:27Because even if the bag
00:45:28Did fit in the bin up top
00:45:30Which it didn't
00:45:30It was too small
00:45:31Everybody knows
00:45:32Your backpack
00:45:32Goes under the seat
00:45:33In front of you
00:45:33Right
00:45:34I know that
00:45:34You know that
00:45:35I do it six times a week
00:45:36So I'm settling into the seat
00:45:38And I'm putting the bag under
00:45:39And I had made a small mistake
00:45:41I had over packed the bag
00:45:42By just a little bit
00:45:43So it only fit like 75%
00:45:46Under the seat in front of me
00:45:47So I'm feeling it out
00:45:48And I'm like
00:45:48You know what
00:45:49I'll actually have more room
00:45:51And be more comfortable
00:45:52If I put my bag
00:45:53Underneath my legs
00:45:55It's this way
00:45:55So much more room
00:45:57I can still mermaid
00:45:58A little bit
00:45:59Problem's really solved
00:46:01Right now I'm sitting back
00:46:02Relaxing
00:46:03Just waiting to see
00:46:03Who's gonna sit next to me
00:46:04Because who sits next to you
00:46:06Plays a huge impact
00:46:07On your flight experience
00:46:08Right
00:46:08I get fucked
00:46:10Immediately
00:46:10Dude
00:46:12Right behind me
00:46:13In the boarding process
00:46:14Here comes two of the
00:46:15Worst possible passengers
00:46:17To sit next to
00:46:17Beside me in the middle seat
00:46:19Is a three year old boy
00:46:21Who
00:46:22Yeah
00:46:23As soon as he sits down
00:46:24Is on his three year old
00:46:26I'm just like
00:46:33Man
00:46:33I will cave this
00:46:35Motherfucker's sternum in
00:46:36Okay
00:46:37I bet it's still soft
00:46:40And
00:46:42I'm pissed off
00:46:44Not at the crying
00:46:45Your baby crying on a plane
00:46:46Actually doesn't even bother me
00:46:48I know you can't control that
00:46:49But what you can control
00:46:50Is the physicality
00:46:52Of your child
00:46:53Because for the rest of this
00:46:5430 minute boarding process
00:46:56This kid
00:46:56Would not get his hand
00:46:59This far away
00:47:01From my face
00:47:03Just
00:47:03And I'm doing all the polite things
00:47:07To get him away
00:47:08I'm like okay
00:47:09But
00:47:09Okay
00:47:10Alright
00:47:10Probably
00:47:10Probably enough of this now
00:47:13Right
00:47:13Somebody can break this up
00:47:14I'm doing all the things
00:47:16To let the dad in the aisle seat
00:47:17Know
00:47:17This isn't okay
00:47:18And he's not paying attention
00:47:20I was this close to
00:47:22Leaning over to the dad
00:47:23And being like
00:47:23Hey
00:47:24You mind getting your
00:47:26Sexy ass kid away from me
00:47:28Yeah
00:47:38I know that's gross
00:47:40But what do I gotta do
00:47:42To get your attention
00:47:45To let you know
00:47:46This is inappropriate
00:47:47What's going on over here
00:47:49The dad could not have been
00:47:52More incompetent
00:47:52He was in the aisle seat
00:47:54Watching shit on his iPad
00:47:55And the dad was
00:47:57No disrespect
00:47:59Just an accurate detail
00:48:00Of the story
00:48:01The dad was no less
00:48:02Than I'd say
00:48:03425 pounds
00:48:05Like he
00:48:06He was a big dude
00:48:08If I had to piss on this flight
00:48:09It was gonna be in my seat
00:48:10Which I fully accepted
00:48:11It's
00:48:11It's fine
00:48:13So I'm just
00:48:14I'm trying to keep my composure
00:48:17We're departing from the gate
00:48:18We're heading towards the runway
00:48:19And the flight attendant's
00:48:20Making her rounds
00:48:21Up and down the aisle
00:48:22Make sure everybody's buckled in
00:48:23And she stopped at my row
00:48:25She saw my bag under my legs
00:48:27And she goes
00:48:29Uh uh
00:48:30Sir
00:48:32I'm gonna need you to put your bag
00:48:34Under the seat in front of you
00:48:35I said
00:48:37Ah
00:48:37Doesn't fit
00:48:40But it's okay
00:48:41Look
00:48:42Still got plenty of space
00:48:45Super comfortable
00:48:46I wouldn't even worry about it
00:48:47Thank you though
00:48:47And she goes
00:48:48It's not okay
00:48:50Put your bag under the seat
00:48:52In front of you
00:48:53Or I will check it
00:48:54Where you can go get it
00:48:55At baggage claim
00:48:56I said
00:48:59It
00:48:59It doesn't fit
00:49:00And
00:49:01We've already departed
00:49:04What do you wanna do?
00:49:09And she said
00:49:10I don't know
00:49:11Not my bag
00:49:13Not my problem
00:49:14I said
00:49:17You're not gonna speak to me
00:49:18Like this is Spirit Airlines
00:49:19Okay
00:49:20I am an American
00:49:24Platinum Rewards
00:49:26Executive Pro
00:49:27Member
00:49:28Okay
00:49:28And I have enough miles
00:49:31For us to speak like adults
00:49:32And agree
00:49:34That we both know
00:49:35That's a stupid rule
00:49:36It's not affecting anything
00:49:37Look
00:49:38Let's just drop it
00:49:42And move on with the flight
00:49:43She goes
00:49:44It's not a stupid rule
00:49:46It's impeding your exit
00:49:47I said
00:49:48Oh
00:49:48For real?
00:49:52Trapped
00:49:52First one off this bitch
00:49:55I promise you
00:49:59It's okay
00:49:59She goes
00:50:00It's not okay
00:50:01Because if there's an emergency
00:50:02You need to be able to
00:50:03Get off this plane
00:50:04As quickly as possible
00:50:05I said
00:50:06Hey
00:50:06What do you think's
00:50:08Impeding my exit more?
00:50:10My bag
00:50:14Or fucking
00:50:15Timon and Pumbaa
00:50:17Right next to me
00:50:18Huh?
00:50:30Even the baby was like
00:50:31Ah!
00:50:32I was like
00:50:33You're pissing off
00:50:34This sexy ass baby man
00:50:36So now
00:50:45Believe it or not
00:50:48Now is when the trouble
00:50:49Actually begins
00:50:51I'm on the plane
00:50:53I'm pissed off
00:50:55And I've got wifi
00:50:57So like an idiot
00:51:02As soon as I get service
00:51:04I get on twitter
00:51:04And I tweet about this experience
00:51:06I just went through
00:51:07And basically all I tweeted
00:51:08Was just stating that
00:51:09I thought this was
00:51:10A ridiculous rule
00:51:11For her to threaten
00:51:12To check my bag
00:51:13And add this very
00:51:14Inconvenient process
00:51:15To my very quick
00:51:16In and out trip
00:51:16When it wasn't affecting
00:51:18Anybody or anything
00:51:19That's all I tweeted
00:51:21And man
00:51:24I didn't know
00:51:26That twitter
00:51:27Is
00:51:28All
00:51:30Flight attendants
00:51:36All of them
00:51:36Every single one of them
00:51:39Everybody on twitter
00:51:40Knows every airplane rule
00:51:41And they give
00:51:42The most amount
00:51:43Of fucks about them
00:51:44Apparently
00:51:44Dude
00:51:46Hundreds
00:51:47On hundreds
00:51:48On hundreds
00:51:49Of strangers
00:51:51Start filling my timeline
00:51:52With the angriest tweets
00:51:53Furious at my stance
00:51:55On the situation
00:51:56And the dumb
00:51:57General consensus
00:51:58They would say
00:51:58Was shit like
00:51:59How hard can it be
00:52:01To just follow
00:52:02The rules
00:52:03Here's the thing
00:52:08I understand rules
00:52:11I understand
00:52:12Why certain safety
00:52:13Precautions
00:52:14Are set in place
00:52:14To keep everybody safe
00:52:15Obviously I get that
00:52:16But also
00:52:17Use your fucking brain
00:52:20Right
00:52:20For example
00:52:22I understand
00:52:23That the speed limit
00:52:23On most freeways
00:52:25And it varies
00:52:25City to city
00:52:26But on average
00:52:27It's about 65 miles per hour
00:52:29I totally understand
00:52:31And respect
00:52:31That that is the designated
00:52:33Suggested speed
00:52:35For us citizens
00:52:38To follow
00:52:38To keep traffic moving
00:52:39At an appropriate pace
00:52:40Right
00:52:40I get that
00:52:41But also
00:52:43If you for real
00:52:46Drive 65 miles per hour
00:52:52On the freeway
00:52:54I will fucking kill you
00:52:57Do you understand
00:52:57Drive faster
00:53:03Pussy
00:53:04Use your instincts
00:53:07To go
00:53:08You know what
00:53:08I can't open this bitch
00:53:10Up to 80
00:53:11Like an adult
00:53:13And keep this shit moving
00:53:15Right
00:53:15You use
00:53:16You use your instincts
00:53:18To navigate rules
00:53:20Right
00:53:20That's how I felt
00:53:20About the plane situation
00:53:21I know what the bag rule is
00:53:24Everybody does
00:53:25But it's not affecting anybody
00:53:26So how about
00:53:27We chill the fuck out about it
00:53:29Nope
00:53:31Instead I argue
00:53:32With 700 strangers
00:53:34For 8 hours
00:53:35Dude
00:53:35We're going back and forth
00:53:39And back and forth
00:53:40And the best part
00:53:41About arguing with people
00:53:42On the internet
00:53:42About something you have
00:53:43Personally experienced
00:53:44Is that they weren't there
00:53:47To witness any of the details
00:53:49Of the account
00:53:50Right
00:53:50They only know
00:53:51What you've told them
00:53:53And what they want to assume
00:53:54So very quickly
00:53:55After you start arguing
00:53:56On the internet
00:53:57People will just start
00:53:58Throwing out their own
00:53:59Wild scenarios
00:54:00That have nothing to do
00:54:02With what you're even
00:54:02Talking about
00:54:03Just so they seem justified
00:54:04I just didn't want to
00:54:06Check my bag
00:54:07And people were saying
00:54:08Things like
00:54:09It's not about your safety
00:54:10It's about the safety
00:54:11Of people around you
00:54:12What if there's an emergency
00:54:13Crash landing
00:54:14Into a mountain
00:54:15And during the evacuation
00:54:16Say it again
00:54:18Slower for yourself
00:54:19Go ahead
00:54:20You think we're going to
00:54:22Survive the crash
00:54:24Into the mountain
00:54:26And they have an argument
00:54:29For everything
00:54:29Well what if we do survive
00:54:30And because your bag
00:54:31Wasn't all the way under
00:54:32The seat in front of you
00:54:33It ends up in the aisleway
00:54:34And during the evacuation
00:54:35Someone trips over it
00:54:37And injures themself
00:54:38If you
00:54:48Can't
00:54:51Step
00:54:53The fuck
00:54:55Over
00:54:57My ten inch tall
00:55:01Jan sport backpack
00:55:04To save your own life
00:55:08Natural selection
00:55:11Dog
00:55:12You gotta fucking die
00:55:25Okay
00:55:26You're not athletic enough
00:55:28To stay alive
00:55:29Dude I
00:55:31I could not believe
00:55:34The lengths
00:55:35People will go to
00:55:36To argue about shit
00:55:38That has nothing to do
00:55:39With them on the internet
00:55:40It's impressive
00:55:41Man because
00:55:42It snowballs
00:55:43Very quickly
00:55:44It quickly becomes
00:55:44This like mob mentality
00:55:46Because what happens online
00:55:47Is
00:55:47Once a large enough
00:55:49Group of people
00:55:49Start getting upset
00:55:50With you on the internet
00:55:51Everybody wants to get
00:55:53Their licking
00:55:53Right
00:55:54Because the internet
00:55:54Is full of people
00:55:55Who have negativity
00:55:55Towards themselves
00:55:56That they have to project
00:55:57On to other people
00:55:58So this is their opportunity
00:55:59Because that's your punishment
00:56:00If you ever get in trouble
00:56:02On the internet
00:56:02Your punishment
00:56:03Is that people can say
00:56:05Anything they want to you
00:56:08Anything
00:56:10Even if it's way worse
00:56:11Than what you said
00:56:12To get in trouble
00:56:13In the first place
00:56:14It's impressive
00:56:15And ultimately
00:56:16That stuff never bothers me
00:56:17Like look
00:56:18You're never
00:56:20Gonna hurt my feelings
00:56:21Okay
00:56:22I've been dead inside
00:56:23For so long
00:56:24Like my plane crashed
00:56:26A long time ago
00:56:27And I didn't step over the bag
00:56:28Emotionally speaking
00:56:29You know what I mean
00:56:30So
00:56:30You can talk your shit
00:56:33To me as much as you want
00:56:34But the thing you have
00:56:34To know about me
00:56:35And what I've learned
00:56:36Through therapy
00:56:37Or whatever
00:56:37Is that I'm
00:56:38I'm a very defensive person
00:56:41Apparently
00:56:42Like I have a very
00:56:43Quick trigger reaction
00:56:45To feel the need
00:56:45To defend myself
00:56:46If I feel like
00:56:47Somebody's coming at me
00:56:48Right
00:56:49And I go for the kill
00:56:50Every time
00:56:50So look
00:56:51You can talk your shit
00:56:52To me online
00:56:53As much as you want
00:56:53Say whatever mean
00:56:55Hurtful things
00:56:55You want to say
00:56:56To try to hurt my feelings
00:56:58But just know
00:56:59I'm gonna fuck you up
00:57:02Verbally
00:57:03My goal
00:57:05Is to now
00:57:06Make you cry
00:57:07Like I'm gonna win
00:57:08This battle
00:57:08Every time
00:57:09So when I hit you
00:57:10Harder than you
00:57:11Hit me
00:57:11First
00:57:12Don't act like
00:57:14You're the fucking
00:57:15Victim
00:57:15Okay
00:57:16That's my biggest
00:57:17Pet peeve
00:57:18In the entire internet
00:57:19And
00:57:19Probably
00:57:23Probably the best
00:57:25Example of that
00:57:26Was throughout
00:57:27This twitter interaction
00:57:28When all this
00:57:28Backpack shit
00:57:29Was going on
00:57:30I'm arguing with people
00:57:31We're going roast
00:57:32For roast
00:57:32Just really having
00:57:33Some fun
00:57:33Wasting time
00:57:34And I was having
00:57:35Fun with it
00:57:36And then there was
00:57:37This one woman
00:57:38Took it too far
00:57:39She would not
00:57:40Shut the fuck up
00:57:43Dude
00:57:43She by herself
00:57:45Probably tweeted me
00:57:47Like 60 to 70 times
00:57:48Whether I responded
00:57:50Or not
00:57:50And I responded
00:57:51To a lot of them
00:57:52But not
00:57:52Not all of them
00:57:54Obviously
00:57:55And she was one
00:57:56Of those people
00:57:57Right
00:57:57She saw everybody
00:57:57Getting their licking
00:57:58She wanted to be
00:57:59A part of that
00:57:59So she started
00:58:00Saying meaner
00:58:01And meaner
00:58:02And meaner
00:58:03Things
00:58:03Expecting no consequences
00:58:05And I didn't
00:58:05Really care
00:58:06Until her last tweet
00:58:09The last tweet
00:58:11I just couldn't
00:58:11Let slide
00:58:12Man
00:58:12The last thing
00:58:12She said to me
00:58:13Was
00:58:13I don't understand
00:58:16Why you have to be
00:58:17Such an insubordinate
00:58:19Crybaby little bitch
00:58:21Should I just
00:58:29Have blocked her
00:58:30My publicist
00:58:33Says yes
00:58:33But I was so sick
00:58:39Of being ganged up on
00:58:421V700
00:58:44She was being
00:58:46Very mean
00:58:47She started it
00:58:51And just based off
00:58:54Of her profile photo
00:58:55She was a
00:58:57Heavier set
00:59:01Woman
00:59:02All I said
00:59:05In defense
00:59:08Of myself
00:59:08Was
00:59:11Well
00:59:12Had you not been
00:59:16Taking up
00:59:16Two seats
00:59:17There would have
00:59:21Been room
00:59:22For me to
00:59:22Safely secure
00:59:23My backpack
00:59:24In another chair
00:59:25That's all I said
00:59:28Which
00:59:29Statistically
00:59:30Is not incorrect
00:59:32But as we all know
00:59:36Everybody wants
00:59:37To be a victim
00:59:38Now right
00:59:38So how did she
00:59:40The person
00:59:42Who started it
00:59:43React
00:59:44How could he
00:59:48Say something
00:59:49Like that
00:59:50He's body
00:59:51Shaming me
00:59:52Cancel Matt
00:59:53Rife
00:59:54Bitch you can't
00:59:55Cancel me
00:59:56I'm not your
00:59:56Gym membership
00:59:57Get the fuck
00:59:59Off my feet
00:59:59Man
01:00:00I didn't start
01:00:07Shit with you
01:00:07I'm a nice
01:00:09Person man
01:00:09I never want to
01:00:10Hurt anybody's
01:00:11Feelings
01:00:11But I fucking
01:00:12Will
01:00:13It had nothing
01:00:16To do with her
01:00:17Man
01:00:17All I wanted to
01:00:18Do was complain
01:00:18About my backpack
01:00:19And now I'm
01:00:21This bitch's
01:00:22Thirteenth reason
01:00:23Who me
01:00:23Nah
01:00:27Nah
01:00:28Fuck that
01:00:28You can count
01:00:29Reasons
01:00:29But not calories
01:00:30Get the fuck
01:00:31Out of my face
01:00:31Dude
01:00:31No
01:00:32Nope
01:00:32Nope
01:00:34Nope
01:00:35Not doing sympathy
01:00:36Today DC
01:00:37Not doing it
01:00:38And before any
01:00:40Of y'all sit there
01:00:41And even think
01:00:42About taking her
01:00:43Side
01:00:43And go
01:00:43Oh I don't
01:00:44Know Matt
01:00:46That's awfully
01:00:47Personal
01:00:48I mean
01:00:48I mean
01:00:49Is it really
01:00:49Worth you
01:00:50Making fun
01:00:51Of her weight
01:00:51In defense
01:00:52Of yourself
01:00:52I mean
01:00:53What if
01:00:53Word gets back
01:00:54To her
01:00:55That you're
01:00:55Still making
01:00:56Fun of her
01:00:56Weight
01:00:56And it affects
01:00:57Her so severely
01:00:58She does
01:00:59Something drastic
01:01:00Like
01:01:00Like
01:01:00Like
01:01:01Like
01:01:01Like
01:01:02Hangs
01:01:02Herself
01:01:03How would
01:01:04That make
01:01:04You feel
01:01:05How'd she
01:01:11Get up there
01:01:12Huh
01:01:15Yeah
01:01:18I'd be
01:01:23Fucking amazed
01:01:23That they
01:01:26Make toe
01:01:26Cables
01:01:27That strong
01:01:28I really
01:01:28Would
01:01:29I really
01:01:29Fucking
01:01:30Would
01:01:30Dude
01:01:30Listen
01:01:36Fuck
01:01:38These
01:01:39People
01:01:39Man
01:01:39Your
01:01:41Social
01:01:41Media
01:01:42Is
01:01:42Your
01:01:42Art
01:01:43You
01:01:43Can
01:01:43Create
01:01:44And
01:01:44Share
01:01:44Whatever
01:01:45You
01:01:45Want
01:01:46To
01:01:46Share
01:01:46Man
01:01:46And
01:01:46If
01:01:47Anybody
01:01:47Has
01:01:49A
01:01:49Problem
01:01:49With
01:01:50That
01:01:50I
01:01:51Say
01:01:51Post
01:01:52More
01:01:52Of
01:01:52That
01:01:52Shit
01:01:52Shove
01:01:55It
01:01:56Down
01:01:56Their
01:01:56Fucking
01:01:57Throat
01:01:57Man
01:01:57Do
01:01:58You
01:01:58Have
01:01:58Any
01:01:58Idea
01:01:58How
01:01:58Many
01:01:59People
01:01:59Don't
01:01:59Like
01:01:59Me
01:01:59Or
01:02:00My
01:02:00Comedy
01:02:00And
01:02:00You
01:02:01Know
01:02:01What
01:02:01I
01:02:01Post
01:02:01Every
01:02:01Fucking
01:02:02Day
01:02:02Because
01:02:03That's
01:02:03What
01:02:03Feels
01:02:03Right
01:02:03To
01:02:04Me
01:02:04It's
01:02:07It's
01:02:09What
01:02:10Feels
01:02:10Right
01:02:10To
01:02:10Me
01:02:11And
01:02:11I'm
01:02:11Just
01:02:11Doing
01:02:11What
01:02:11I
01:02:12Think
01:02:12Is
01:02:12Funny
01:02:12And
01:02:12All
01:02:12I
01:02:13Can
01:02:13Ever
01:02:13Hope
01:02:13To
01:02:13Come
01:02:13From
01:02:14That
01:02:14Is
01:02:14That
01:02:14It
01:02:14Makes
01:02:14Other
01:02:15People
01:02:15Smile
01:02:15And
01:02:15It
01:02:15Makes
01:02:16Them
01:02:16Happy
01:02:16Okay
01:02:16That's
01:02:17All
01:02:17I
01:02:17Ever
01:02:17Want
01:02:18To
01:02:18Come
01:02:18From
01:02:18Any
01:02:19Of
01:02:19This
01:02:19So
01:02:21Who
01:02:21Cares
01:02:22If
01:02:22Absolutely
01:02:30Respected
01:02:30My
01:02:31Own
01:02:31Thoughts
01:02:31And
01:02:31Ideas
01:02:32I
01:02:32Wouldn't
01:02:33Be
01:02:33Doing
01:02:33A
01:02:33Netflix
01:02:34Special
01:02:34At
01:02:34Constitution
01:02:35Hall
01:02:35In
01:02:35My
01:02:35Favorite
01:02:36City
01:02:36In
01:02:36The
01:02:36Entire
01:02:36Country
01:02:37But
01:02:54What
01:02:54Do I
01:02:55Know
01:02:55I
01:02:55Only
01:02:55Do
01:02:56Crowd
01:02:56Work
01:02:56Right
01:02:56Hope
01:03:20Everybody
01:03:20Enjoyed
01:03:21Themselves
01:03:21Old
01:03:22People
01:03:22Thank you
01:03:23For
01:03:23Coming
01:03:23I
01:03:24Know
01:03:24You
01:03:24Have
01:03:24To
01:03:24Be
01:03:24Up
01:03:24Soon
01:03:25Did
01:03:25You
01:03:26Know
01:03:26Who
01:03:26I
01:03:26Was
01:03:26When
01:03:26You
01:03:27Came
01:03:27Here
01:03:27You
01:03:28Did
01:03:29They
01:03:29Play
01:03:30Tik
01:03:30Tok
01:03:30On
01:03:30Hallmark
01:03:31Shut
01:03:31Up
01:03:32What
01:03:35Is
01:03:35That
01:03:35What's
01:03:38In
01:03:38Here
01:03:38We
01:03:38Got
01:03:38Is
01:03:39This
01:03:39Weed
01:03:40Edibles
01:03:4050
01:03:41Milligrams
01:03:42Murderer
01:03:43If
01:03:44You
01:03:44Fuck
01:03:44Around
01:03:44Take
01:03:4450
01:03:45Milligrams
01:03:45On
01:03:45Your
01:03:45First
01:03:46Edible
01:03:46You
01:03:46Will
01:03:46Change
01:03:47Your
01:03:47Pronouns
01:03:47Dude
01:03:48Black
01:03:50People
01:03:50Thank
01:03:51Y'all
01:03:51I
01:03:53Think
01:03:53It's
01:03:53Just
01:03:54Y'all
01:03:54Fuck
01:03:55Dude
01:03:55I
01:03:56Thought
01:03:56For
01:03:56Sure
01:03:57I
01:03:57Had
01:03:57A
01:03:57More
01:03:57Diverse
01:03:58Fan
01:03:58Base
01:03:58Not
01:04:00As
01:04:00Much
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01:04:02Okay
01:04:02Let's
01:04:03Not
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01:04:03Them
01:04:03Out
01:04:04That
01:04:04Feels
01:04:04Very
01:04:04January
01:04:056th
01:04:05Of
01:04:05Y'all
01:04:06Let's
01:04:06Chill
01:04:06Out
01:04:06I
01:04:08Know
01:04:09It's
01:04:09Y'all
01:04:09City
01:04:10I
01:04:11Know
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