Dave Chappelle - Sticks & Stones (19) - video Dailymotion

Fyah TV Comedy

Dave Chappelle takes on gun culture, the opioid crisis, and the tidal wave of celebrity scandals in a defiant stand-up special filmed in Atlanta. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup

Transcript

00:00:00I was dreaming when I wrote this

00:00:29Forgive me if it goes astray

00:00:32But when I woke up this morning

00:00:37Could have sworn it was judgment day

00:00:40Sky was all purple

00:00:46There were people running everywhere

00:00:48And this is the bar of the whole song

00:00:52Prince A

00:00:53Trying to run from my destruction

00:00:56You know I didn't even care

00:01:00Good people of Atlanta

00:01:04We must never forget

00:01:06That Anthony Bourdain

00:01:09Killed himself

00:01:12Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job

00:01:19The show business ever produced

00:01:20This nigga flew around the world

00:01:23And ate delicious meals

00:01:27With outstanding people

00:01:29That man

00:01:31With that job

00:01:33Hung himself in a luxury suite in France

00:01:36They say two thousand zero zero

00:01:42Party over oops

00:01:44Out of time

00:01:45So tonight I'm gonna party

00:01:50Like it's nineteen ninety nine

00:01:54I knew a nigga in high school

00:01:56That was an urban genius

00:01:58This motherfucker's grades were so good

00:02:00He got all the way from the hood

00:02:02To an ivy league school

00:02:04With a full scholarship

00:02:06From there

00:02:07The motherfucker got himself

00:02:09Into one of the best law schools

00:02:10In the country

00:02:11And when he was in law school

00:02:13He met a woman

00:02:14And they fell in love

00:02:16And they were gonna get married

00:02:18I remember him telling me about it

00:02:20He was home for Christmas

00:02:21And I told him

00:02:22I said my man

00:02:23My man

00:02:24Save that bitch for later in your life

00:02:27But he's in love

00:02:37He didn't listen to me

00:02:39He married her

00:02:40While he was in law school

00:02:42And sadly

00:02:43They got divorced

00:02:45While he was in law school

00:02:47He was a street nigga

00:02:49From the hood

00:02:50This man had nothing

00:02:52And that bitch took half of that

00:02:55And then I just never saw him again

00:03:00For years

00:03:01And then two years ago

00:03:02I was home in D.C.

00:03:03Doing some shopping

00:03:04Trying to buy my sons

00:03:05Some socks at Foot Locker

00:03:07I go to Foot Locker

00:03:08Guess who's the manager

00:03:10That nigga

00:03:11Dressed like a referee

00:03:14The whole shit

00:03:15This motherfucker is 45 years old

00:03:20We went out drinking that night

00:03:24Just trying to catch up

00:03:25And he told me

00:03:27He said he's been living with his mother

00:03:29For like 10 years

00:03:29Just trying to get back on his feet

00:03:31But that's not the point of the story

00:03:33The point of the story is

00:03:35Never occurred to this nigga

00:03:37To kill himself

00:03:38He's alive and well in D.C.

00:03:50I even suggested to him

00:03:52He said he should try it out

00:03:53Like I don't know

00:03:53Maybe he might do it

00:03:54Nobody's life is perfect

00:04:03No matter what it looks like

00:04:05From the outside

00:04:06You don't know what the fuck's going on inside

00:04:08I have a great life

00:04:10But it's not a perfect life

00:04:11But it's good

00:04:12My shit's like an above ground pool

00:04:14You ever seen one of them?

00:04:15It's a pool

00:04:21So in that spirit tonight

00:04:30I thought I'd start my show

00:04:31A little differently

00:04:32Tonight I'm going to do something

00:04:33That I'm not particularly good at

00:04:35But that I like to do

00:04:36Tonight I'm going to try

00:04:37Some impressions out

00:04:38I only got two

00:04:48Alright the first impression

00:04:52Is kind of dumb

00:04:52But I like it

00:04:53This is my impression

00:04:54You ready?

00:04:55This is my impression

00:04:56Of the founding fathers of America

00:04:59When the Constitution

00:05:02Was being written

00:05:03You ready?

00:05:05Here it goes

00:05:06Hurry up and finish

00:05:09That Constitution

00:05:10Nigga

00:05:10I'm trying to get some sleep

00:05:11It's not bad right?

00:05:22Alright

00:05:23The next one

00:05:24The next one's a little harder

00:05:31I want to see if you can guess

00:05:33Who it is I'm doing an impression of

00:05:36Alright

00:05:36Let me get into character

00:05:37You got to guess who it is though

00:05:38Okay here it goes

00:05:40Duh

00:05:42Hey

00:05:42Duh

00:05:43If you do anything wrong

00:05:45In your life

00:05:45Duh

00:05:46And I find out about it

00:05:47I'm going to try to take

00:05:48Everything away from you

00:05:49And I don't care when I find out

00:05:51It could be today

00:05:52Tomorrow

00:05:5215, 20 years from now

00:05:54If I find out

00:05:55You're fucking

00:05:56Duh

00:05:56Finished

00:05:57Who's that?

00:05:59That's you

00:06:02That's what the audience

00:06:06Sounds like to me

00:06:08That's why I don't be coming out

00:06:14Doing comedy all the time

00:06:15Because y'all niggas

00:06:16Is the worst motherfuckers

00:06:17I've ever tried to entertain

00:06:19In my fucking life

00:06:21God damn sick of it

00:06:28This is the worst time

00:06:29Ever to be a celebrity

00:06:30You're going to be finished

00:06:31Everyone's doomed

00:06:32Michael Jackson

00:06:35Has been dead for 10 years

00:06:37And this nigga has

00:06:38Two new cases

00:06:39And if you haven't watched

00:06:48That documentary

00:06:49Uh

00:06:50Then I'm begging you

00:06:51Don't watch it

00:06:52It's fucking gross

00:06:55I felt like

00:06:57HBO was

00:06:58Sticking baby dicks

00:06:59In my ears

00:07:00For four hours straight

00:07:01Really nasty shit

00:07:05I don't want to know

00:07:06All these things

00:07:07Turns out

00:07:11Uh

00:07:11Michael Jackson

00:07:12Allegedly

00:07:13Likes a long

00:07:14Gander at the anus

00:07:15So they said

00:07:19He stares at people's

00:07:20Buttholes

00:07:20That's what they said

00:07:21That's how gross

00:07:22The documentary was

00:07:23I'm going to say

00:07:35Something that I'm

00:07:35Not allowed to say

00:07:36But I got to be real

00:07:39I don't believe

00:07:42These motherfuckers

00:07:43I do not

00:07:46Believe

00:07:47But

00:07:50Let me qualify

00:07:52The statement

00:07:53I am what's known

00:07:55On the streets

00:07:55As a victim blamer

00:07:57You know what I mean

00:08:01Somebody come up to me

00:08:01Like Dave

00:08:02Dave

00:08:03Chris Brown

00:08:03Just beat up Rihanna

00:08:04I'll be like

00:08:05Well what did she do

00:08:06Dang

00:08:09Michael Jackson

00:08:15Was molesting children

00:08:16Well what were those

00:08:17Kids wearing at the time

00:08:18I don't think he did it

00:08:28But you know what

00:08:30Even if he did do it

00:08:31Even if he did do it

00:08:31You know what I mean

00:08:34You know what I mean

00:08:36You know what I mean

00:08:40I mean it's Michael Jackson

00:08:44I know more than half

00:08:48The people in this room

00:08:50Have been molested

00:08:51In their lives

00:08:52But it wasn't no

00:08:54God damn

00:08:55Michael Jackson

00:08:55Was it

00:08:56This kid got his

00:09:01Dick sucked

00:09:01By the king of pop

00:09:02All we get

00:09:05All we get is

00:09:06Awkward thanksgivings

00:09:07For the rest of our lives

00:09:08You know how good

00:09:16It must have felt

00:09:16To go to school

00:09:17The next day

00:09:18After that shit

00:09:18Hey Billy

00:09:20How was the weekend

00:09:20How was my weekend

00:09:22Michael Jackson

00:09:25Sucked my dick

00:09:26And that was my

00:09:31First sexual experience

00:09:32If I'm starting here

00:09:34Then sky's the limit

00:09:35I know it seems harsh

00:09:47But man

00:09:47Somebody's got to

00:09:48Teach these kids

00:09:49There's no such thing

00:09:51As a free trip to Hawaii

00:09:52He's going to want to

00:09:56Look at your butthole

00:09:57Or something

00:09:58You know why

00:10:08I don't believe it

00:10:09You know why

00:10:09I don't believe it

00:10:10Because if Michael Jackson

00:10:11Is out here

00:10:12Doing all this molesting

00:10:13Then why not

00:10:14Macaulay Culkin

00:10:15Hmm

00:10:16Macaulay Culkin

00:10:18Said in an interview

00:10:19That Michael Jackson

00:10:20Never did anything

00:10:21Inappropriate with him

00:10:22Or even around him

00:10:24Think about that shit

00:10:26You know

00:10:28I'm not a pedophile

00:10:31But if I was

00:10:36Macaulay Culkin

00:10:41Is the first kid

00:10:42I'm fucking

00:10:42I'll tell you that

00:10:43Right now

00:10:43I'd be a goddamn hero

00:10:51Hey that guy over there

00:10:52Fucked the kid

00:10:52From home alone

00:10:53And you know how hard

00:10:55He is to catch

00:10:56My mind's telling me no

00:11:08Well okay

00:11:17R. Kelly is different

00:11:19I mean you know

00:11:22If I'm a betting man

00:11:23I'm going to put my money on

00:11:24He probably did that shit

00:11:25I'm pretty sure

00:11:29He did that shit

00:11:31You know it was bad

00:11:33Okay so a couple years ago

00:11:35I was doing a show

00:11:36In Detroit

00:11:36And I'm sitting backstage

00:11:38In my dressing room

00:11:39A friend of mine

00:11:39Comes by

00:11:40This chick Dream Hampton

00:11:41Dream tells me

00:11:43Right before I'm going on stage

00:11:45She goes

00:11:45Dave I'm working on a documentary

00:11:47About R. Kelly

00:11:48Would you like to be in it

00:11:50And I was like

00:11:50Nah bitch

00:11:51I'm cool

00:11:52I went on stage

00:11:59I just forgot about the shit

00:12:00And then two years later

00:12:02The documentary comes out

00:12:03Surviving R. Kelly

00:12:04And when it comes out

00:12:05Dream's promoting the shit

00:12:07And she keeps bringing me up

00:12:08She said

00:12:09I asked Dave Chappelle

00:12:10To be in my documentary

00:12:11And he said

00:12:13It was too hot for TV

00:12:15Bitch I did not say that

00:12:17It does not even sound

00:12:21Like how I talk

00:12:22Oh that's too hot for TV

00:12:23I would never say that shit

00:12:24But I'm going to tell you guys

00:12:33Why I wasn't in the documentary

00:12:35It was a very simple reason

00:12:37And I cannot stress this point enough

00:12:41The only reason that I didn't do it

00:12:44Was because

00:12:45And it's very important

00:12:46I don't know

00:12:48I don't know this nigga

00:12:51At all

00:12:52I don't know anything

00:12:57I don't know anything

00:12:58That they don't tell me about

00:12:59I don't hang out with this nigga

00:13:01Nothing

00:13:01So what the fuck

00:13:03Do I got to be in the documentary for

00:13:05This guy R. Kelly

00:13:10Got another sex tape out now

00:13:11Can you believe that shit

00:13:13This guy makes more sex tapes

00:13:15Than he does music

00:13:16He's like the DJ collard

00:13:19Of sex tapes

00:13:20Another one

00:13:22Like damn

00:13:22That's a lot of tapes

00:13:27The new one's so bad

00:13:31That they didn't even show it

00:13:33I've never seen anything like this

00:13:35The prosecutor in Chicago

00:13:37Came out

00:13:38In a press conference

00:13:39And read to the media

00:13:41A transcript

00:13:42Of a sex tape

00:13:44Have you ever heard of such a thing

00:13:45This nigga read

00:13:46The sex tape

00:13:48And it was so bad

00:13:50That R. Kelly

00:13:51Sounded guilty

00:13:53In the transcripts

00:13:54It's fucking amazing

00:13:5716 times

00:14:00The girl's age

00:14:01Was mentioned

00:14:01Isn't that crazy

00:14:02This motherfucker

00:14:03Is an idiot

00:14:04He was fucking

00:14:04I'm like

00:14:05Yeah this is the best

00:14:0514 year old pussy

00:14:07I've ever had

00:14:08In my life

00:14:09And she was like

00:14:09You like this 14 year old pussy

00:14:10He's like

00:14:10Oh yeah

00:14:11I love this 14 year old pussy

00:14:12I'm like

00:14:12Man you need to shut the fuck up

00:14:14You gotta give your lawyer

00:14:17Something to work with

00:14:18You supposed to be on the tape

00:14:20Like

00:14:21This is the best

00:14:2236 year old pussy

00:14:24I've ever had

00:14:25In my life

00:14:25And then your lawyer

00:14:28Gonna be like

00:14:28Your honor

00:14:29Clearly my client

00:14:29Thought that this woman

00:14:30Was 36

00:14:31As he mentioned

00:14:33Some 16 times

00:14:34In the tape

00:14:34They gonna know

00:14:38You lying though

00:14:39You know what I mean

00:14:40Everybody knows

00:14:41No such thing

00:14:43As good

00:14:4336 year old pussy

00:14:44Doesn't matter what I say

00:15:01And if you were at home

00:15:02Watching this shit on Netflix

00:15:03Remember bitch

00:15:04You clicked on my face

00:15:06Celebrity hunting season

00:15:22Doesn't matter what I say

00:15:24They gonna get everybody

00:15:25Eventually

00:15:25Like look

00:15:26I don't think

00:15:27I did anything wrong

00:15:28But

00:15:28But we'll see

00:15:30They even got

00:15:36Poor Kevin Hart

00:15:37Can you imagine

00:15:38Such a thing

00:15:39Kevin Hart

00:15:39Let me tell you something

00:15:40It was

00:15:41It was

00:15:42Kevin Hart's

00:15:43Dream

00:15:44To host the Oscars

00:15:45That's what he told me

00:15:47And I remember

00:15:48When he told me

00:15:49Because I was thinking

00:15:50To myself

00:15:50That's an awfully

00:15:52Strange dream

00:15:52For an African American

00:15:54What kind of nigga

00:15:58Dreams of hosting

00:15:59The Oscars

00:16:00Kevin did

00:16:02That's who

00:16:03And

00:16:03He did it

00:16:04Against all the odds

00:16:06Kevin became

00:16:07The most famous comedian

00:16:08This world has ever seen

00:16:10And he got the job

00:16:11That only one black man

00:16:12Performer had

00:16:13He was gonna host

00:16:14The 80th Oscars

00:16:16And I don't know

00:16:16What you know about Kevin

00:16:17But I know

00:16:18Kevin Hart

00:16:19Is damn near perfect

00:16:21As close to perfect

00:16:22As anybody

00:16:23I've ever seen

00:16:24In fact

00:16:25Kevin

00:16:26Is precisely

00:16:28Four tweets

00:16:29Shy of being perfect

00:16:31Ten years ago

00:16:37Kevin had made

00:16:38Some very homophobic

00:16:39Comments

00:16:40And

00:16:41I'm not gonna repeat

00:16:43What he said

00:16:43Because this is Atlanta

00:16:46You know what I mean

00:16:56I'm sure

00:16:58There's a lot

00:16:59Of gay men

00:17:00Here tonight

00:17:01With their wives

00:17:02Far be it from me

00:17:15To offend anybody

00:17:16All right

00:17:19I'll tell you

00:17:20What he said

00:17:20But just remember

00:17:23These are not my words

00:17:25These were Kevin's words

00:17:26It was a long time ago

00:17:29And I'm paraphrasing

00:17:30Because I'm not good

00:17:30At telling other people's jokes

00:17:32Okay

00:17:33Kevin said

00:17:34That if his little son

00:17:39Was demonstrating

00:17:40Or exhibiting

00:17:41Homosexual behavior

00:17:43Around the house

00:17:43That he'd chastise him

00:17:45He'd say

00:17:45Hey that's gay

00:17:46And then he said

00:17:47He would smash

00:17:48A dollhouse

00:17:49Over that child's head

00:17:51Ooh

00:17:53The gay community

00:17:54Was furious

00:17:55And I don't blame them

00:17:57I got a lot of gay friends

00:18:00And all of them

00:18:02100% of them

00:18:03All have told me

00:18:04Fucking horror stories

00:18:05About the shit

00:18:06They had to go through

00:18:07Just to be themselves

00:18:08Crazy

00:18:09Crazy stories

00:18:10And in all those stories

00:18:11I gotta say

00:18:12Not one of them

00:18:13Has ever mentioned

00:18:13Anything like

00:18:14Their father

00:18:16Smashing a fucking dollhouse

00:18:20Over their head

00:18:21Because clearly

00:18:24Kevin was joking

00:18:25Think about it

00:18:26You would have to

00:18:27Buy this nigga a dollhouse

00:18:28To break it over his head

00:18:29In the first place

00:18:30Does that sound right?

00:18:31Is anybody gonna do that?

00:18:37The gay community

00:18:38Was upset

00:18:39And then

00:18:39They put so much pressure

00:18:40On the academy

00:18:41Of motion pictures

00:18:42And sciences

00:18:42That they went to Kevin

00:18:43And said

00:18:44If you don't apologize

00:18:45To that community

00:18:46Then you cannot

00:18:47Host these Oscars

00:18:48And then Kevin said

00:18:49Fuck it

00:18:50I quit

00:18:51And then he went on

00:19:01Every talk show

00:19:01In America

00:19:02And apologized

00:19:02For six weeks

00:19:03Kevin fucked up

00:19:12I understand

00:19:15The mistake you made

00:19:15Because I've made

00:19:16The same mistake

00:19:17Early in my career

00:19:18This is many years ago

00:19:19Fifteen years ago

00:19:19This is when I was

00:19:20Doing Chappelle's show

00:19:21There's a

00:19:22Thank you

00:19:23Thank you

00:19:23On network television

00:19:31They have a department

00:19:32That's called

00:19:32Standards and practices

00:19:34This is the department

00:19:35That tells you

00:19:36What you can

00:19:37And cannot say

00:19:38On television

00:19:39And if you're

00:19:40Doing your job

00:19:40Well

00:19:41You should never

00:19:41Hear from them

00:19:42But if you're

00:19:42Making Chappelle's show

00:19:43You'll hear from

00:19:44These motherfuckers

00:19:45All the time

00:19:47And remember

00:19:51This is 15 years ago

00:19:52I made a mistake

00:19:53I didn't even know

00:19:54I had done anything wrong

00:19:55I had written a sketch

00:19:57That had the word

00:19:59Faggot in it

00:20:02So I had to go

00:20:12To standards and practices

00:20:13They called me up

00:20:14I don't know why

00:20:15They're calling me

00:20:16But I like the lady

00:20:17That runs the department

00:20:17She's usually really fair

00:20:19And was one of my

00:20:20Favorite people

00:20:20I've ever worked with

00:20:21So she sits me down

00:20:22We have nice conversation

00:20:24She tells me

00:20:24Oh the sketches are great

00:20:26I go

00:20:26Oh fantastic

00:20:27Well then why am I here

00:20:28She said

00:20:29Because David

00:20:30There's no way

00:20:32That you can ever

00:20:33Say the word

00:20:34Faggot

00:20:36On

00:20:37Our

00:20:38Network

00:20:39I didn't know

00:20:40I did anything wrong

00:20:41I didn't try to

00:20:42Defend myself

00:20:42I said alright

00:20:43Fuck it

00:20:43I'll take it out

00:20:44Have a good afternoon

00:20:45And as I was leaving

00:20:46It occurred to me

00:20:47Hey

00:20:47Hey Renee

00:20:48Quick question

00:20:49It's just a question

00:20:52Seriously

00:20:52I want to know

00:20:53Why is it

00:20:54Why is it

00:20:55That I can say

00:20:57The word

00:20:57Nigger

00:20:58With impunity

00:20:59But I can't

00:21:11Say the word

00:21:12Faggot

00:21:12And she said

00:21:15Because David

00:21:17You

00:21:18Are not

00:21:19Gay

00:21:20I said

00:21:22Well Renee

00:21:23I'm not a

00:21:27Nigger either

00:21:28But you see

00:21:45What I didn't realize

00:21:47At the time

00:21:47And what Kevin

00:21:48Had to learn

00:21:49The hard way

00:21:49Is we were breaking

00:21:50An unwritten

00:21:51And unspoken

00:21:52Rule of show business

00:21:54And if I say it

00:21:55You'll know

00:21:56That I'm telling you

00:21:56The truth

00:21:57The rule is

00:21:58That no matter

00:21:58What you do

00:21:59In your artistic

00:22:00Expression

00:22:00You are never

00:22:02Ever

00:22:03Allowed

00:22:04To upset

00:22:06The alphabet people

00:22:08You know who I mean

00:22:14Those people

00:22:16That took 20%

00:22:17Of the alphabet

00:22:18For themselves

00:22:19I'd say the letters

00:22:25But I don't want

00:22:25To conjure their anger

00:22:26It's too late now

00:22:29I'm talking about

00:22:30Them L's

00:22:31And them B's

00:22:32And them G's

00:22:33And

00:22:34The T's

00:22:35People be surprised

00:22:38I have friends

00:22:39All kinds of letters

00:22:40Everybody loves me

00:22:41And I love everybody

00:22:42I got friends

00:22:43Who are L's

00:22:44I got friends

00:22:44Who are B's

00:22:45And I got friends

00:22:46Who are G's

00:22:47But

00:22:47The T's

00:22:49Hate my fucking guts

00:22:51And I don't blame them

00:22:57It's not their fault

00:22:59It's mine

00:22:59I can't stop

00:23:01Telling jokes

00:23:02About these things

00:23:03I don't want

00:23:05To write these jokes

00:23:06But I just can't stop

00:23:07You know

00:23:14You hear all those letters

00:23:15Together all the time

00:23:16LBGT

00:23:18LBGT

00:23:18And you think

00:23:19It's just one big movement

00:23:21It's not

00:23:21All those letters

00:23:24Are their own movement

00:23:25They just travel

00:23:26In the same car together

00:23:28And

00:23:31My guess is

00:23:33What is this

00:23:42High school

00:23:42This nigga

00:23:43Probably got to babysit

00:23:43Or something

00:23:44Go and answer your phone

00:23:45Nigga

00:23:45Just

00:23:45Get that shit out of here

00:23:47I'm in the middle

00:23:48Of something important

00:23:48Wouldn't it be funny

00:23:54If we made fun of him

00:23:55And he's like

00:23:55Ah

00:23:56And he went outside

00:23:56Like hello

00:23:57Mama's dead

00:23:58Oh no

00:23:59Mama's dead

00:24:03Ah

00:24:04Ah

00:24:06Ah

00:24:07Ah

00:24:08Ah

00:24:08That was a weird

00:24:21Time phone call

00:24:22Wasn't it

00:24:22It's like his phone

00:24:25Is gay

00:24:25Like I was saying

00:24:44My guess is

00:24:49The G's are driving that car

00:24:52That makes sense to me

00:24:56Because there's white men

00:24:57In the G's

00:24:58And these people

00:24:59Are trying to get around

00:25:00Discrimination

00:25:02And oppression

00:25:02And you know how white dudes are

00:25:04We know these roads

00:25:05In fact we built these roads

00:25:09The rest of you buckle up

00:25:14We'll get you to where you want to go

00:25:15So the G's

00:25:18So the G's

00:25:18Are just driving the car

00:25:19Of course next to the G's

00:25:22In the passenger seat

00:25:23Is the L's

00:25:25Everybody likes the L's

00:25:28Except for the G's

00:25:31I don't know what that's about

00:25:37I just know the G's

00:25:38Don't like them that much

00:25:39The G's always say

00:25:42Like little subliminal digs

00:25:43On them

00:25:43It's unnecessary shit

00:25:45It's not mean

00:25:45But you know what I mean

00:25:46They just be like

00:25:47I wouldn't wear that

00:25:49The only thing that breaks

00:25:54Attention between the L's

00:25:55And the G's

00:25:56Are the B's

00:25:57In the back seat

00:25:58That's right

00:26:00There you go

00:26:01Everybody scream out

00:26:03When you hear your letter

00:26:03If it's one thing

00:26:17That the L's

00:26:18And the G's

00:26:18Agree on

00:26:19Is that the B's

00:26:21Are fucking gross

00:26:22They seem greedy

00:26:26To the L's

00:26:27And the G's

00:26:27You know what I mean

00:26:28Is it sitting in the back seat

00:26:29Like yeah man

00:26:30I'll fuck anybody

00:26:31In this car

00:26:32What's going on

00:26:33Yeah

00:26:33And sitting next to the B's

00:26:44All the way in the back seat

00:26:45By themselves

00:26:46Looking out the window

00:26:47That's the T's

00:26:52Everybody in the car

00:26:56Respects the T's

00:26:57But everyone also

00:26:59Resents the T's

00:27:01It's not the T's fault

00:27:03But everyone in the car

00:27:04Just feels like

00:27:04The T's

00:27:05Are making the trip

00:27:07Take longer

00:27:07Anything the T's say

00:27:17Gets on everybody's nerves

00:27:18And then the T's

00:27:19Don't even say anything bad

00:27:20They should be in the back

00:27:21Talking to themselves

00:27:22I'm hot

00:27:24Shut up

00:27:25Shut the fuck

00:27:26Out

00:27:27Okay

00:27:28Just roll the window down

00:27:30You

00:27:30Bitch I don't know what you

00:27:32What

00:27:37Just said I was hot

00:27:39Can you pull over

00:27:43At the next exit

00:27:44I need to use

00:27:45The restroom

00:27:45There is not

00:27:48A restroom for you

00:27:49For four states

00:27:50Nigga

00:27:50Will you just

00:27:51Shut the fuck up

00:27:52So we can get

00:27:53Where we're going

00:27:54And just when that car

00:28:06Can't get any more tense

00:28:07The Q's

00:28:08Are a hitchhiker

00:28:09That they pick up

00:28:10On the road

00:28:11Some white dude

00:28:12In booty shorts

00:28:13Is walking down the freeway

00:28:13Jesus see him

00:28:25That guy might be one of us

00:28:26Hey are you okay

00:28:29Need some help

00:28:29And he can come over there

00:28:31With them booty shorts

00:28:31Leaning on the window

00:28:32Hey what's going on fellas

00:28:34Lady

00:28:36Whatever pronoun

00:28:39Makes you feel comfortable

00:28:40In the back

00:28:40Yeah

00:28:48I don't really know

00:28:51Where I'm going

00:28:52I don't know

00:28:55If I'm gay

00:28:55Or I'm straight

00:28:56Or whatever

00:28:57All I know for sure

00:28:59Is that

00:29:00I really want

00:29:03To get in this car

00:29:04And they make him

00:29:13Get into sitting

00:29:14Between the B's

00:29:15And the T's

00:29:16I feel bad

00:29:19For T's

00:29:20But they're so confusing

00:29:22And it's not all

00:29:24My fault

00:29:24I feel like

00:29:25They need to take

00:29:26Some responsibility

00:29:27For my jokes

00:29:27Cause I didn't

00:29:31Come up with this idea

00:29:32On my own

00:29:32This idea

00:29:34That a person

00:29:34Can be born

00:29:35In the wrong body

00:29:36But they have to admit

00:29:38That's a fucking

00:29:39Hilarious predicament

00:29:40It's really fucking funny

00:29:43If it happened to me

00:29:45You'd laugh

00:29:46Wouldn't you

00:29:46That wouldn't be funny

00:29:48If it happened to me

00:29:49I think it would be

00:29:50What if

00:29:51What if it did

00:29:52What if I was

00:29:53What if I was

00:29:53Chinese

00:29:54But born in this

00:29:56Nigga body

00:29:57That's not funny

00:29:57And for the rest of my life

00:30:03I had to go around

00:30:04Making that face

00:30:05Hey everybody

00:30:06I'm Chinese

00:30:07And then I'm gonna get mad

00:30:10Stop making that face

00:30:11That's offensive

00:30:12What

00:30:12This is how I feel

00:30:16Inside

00:30:17It's hard not to write

00:30:31These jokes

00:30:31It's hard not to think about

00:30:33Even when I watch sports

00:30:34I be thinking about

00:30:34Like think about

00:30:35Okay

00:30:35Say

00:30:36Say Lebron James

00:30:38Changed his gender

00:30:40You know what I mean

00:30:42Okay

00:30:43Can he stay in the NBA

00:30:45Or

00:30:46Because he's a woman

00:30:48Does he have to go to the WNBA

00:30:51Where he will score

00:30:53840 points a game

00:30:55What does it actually mean

00:31:02To be equal

00:31:03You know what I mean

00:31:04Like women are actually equal to men

00:31:07Then there would be no WNBA

00:31:09Would there

00:31:10You would just be good enough

00:31:12To play in the NBA with us

00:31:14Or

00:31:16Here's another idea

00:31:17That's gonna be very controversial

00:31:19You could

00:31:20Shut the fuck up

00:31:22I'm sorry ladies

00:31:35I just

00:31:35I got a fucking

00:31:36Me too headache

00:31:37Y'all is killing me right now

00:31:38It's really fucking tough

00:31:41To watch what's going on

00:31:42You know ladies

00:31:43I said it in my last special

00:31:44And I got in a lot of trouble for this

00:31:45I told you

00:31:46You were right

00:31:47But

00:31:48The way you're going about it

00:31:50Is not

00:31:51Going to work

00:31:52But I'm biased

00:31:53I said it

00:31:54Louis C.K.

00:31:55Was a very good friend of mine

00:31:56Before he died

00:31:58In that terrible

00:31:58Masturbation accident

00:32:00And it was his room

00:32:06And it was his room

00:32:06You read the story

00:32:07He was masturbating

00:32:08In his own room

00:32:08That's what he's supposed to masturbate

00:32:10And then he said

00:32:11Hey everybody

00:32:11I'm gonna pull my dick out

00:32:12Nobody ran for the door

00:32:13Or nothing like that

00:32:14They all just kind of hung out

00:32:15Like I wonder if this guy is serious

00:32:17And he came on his own stomach

00:32:21There it is

00:32:23What is the threat

00:32:25Have any women ever seen a guy

00:32:29That just came on his own stomach

00:32:30This is the least threatening

00:32:31Motherfucker the earth

00:32:32Has ever seen

00:32:33All you see is shame in their face

00:32:37And cum dripping down

00:32:39Like pancake butter

00:32:40He didn't do anything

00:32:52That you can call the police for

00:32:53I dare to try

00:32:54Call the police on him

00:32:55Hello police

00:32:56Yes

00:32:56I am

00:32:57I am on the other line

00:32:59With comedian Louis C.K.

00:33:00And I think

00:33:02That he is masturbating

00:33:04While I'm on the phone

00:33:06You know what the police

00:33:08Are gonna say in Atlanta

00:33:08Well what are you guys talking about

00:33:11They ruined this nigga's life

00:33:25And now he's coming back

00:33:26Playing comedy clubs

00:33:27And they acting like

00:33:28If he's able to do that

00:33:29That's gonna hurt women

00:33:30What the fuck is your agenda ladies

00:33:32Is sexism dead

00:33:34No

00:33:34In fact

00:33:35The opposite happened

00:33:36I said it was gonna get worse

00:33:37And they said I was tone deaf

00:33:39But eight states

00:33:40Including your state

00:33:42Have passed the most stringent

00:33:45Anti-abortion laws

00:33:48This nation has seen

00:33:49Since Roe v. Wade

00:33:51I told you

00:33:55I told you

00:33:56I'll be real with you

00:33:58And I know nobody

00:33:59Gives a fuck

00:34:00What I think

00:34:00Anyway

00:34:00I'm not for abortion

00:34:04Oh shut up nigga

00:34:07I'm not for it

00:34:18But I'm not against it either

00:34:20It all depends

00:34:25On who I get pregnant

00:34:27I don't care

00:34:35I'm gonna tell you right now

00:34:36I don't care what your religious beliefs are

00:34:38Or anything

00:34:38If you have a dick

00:34:40You need to shut the fuck up on this one

00:34:43Seriously

00:34:44This is theirs

00:34:51The right to choose

00:34:53Is their unequivocal right

00:34:55Not only do I believe

00:34:56They have the right to choose

00:34:57I believe that

00:34:58They shouldn't have to

00:34:59Consult anybody

00:35:00Except for a physician

00:35:02About how

00:35:04They exercise that right

00:35:07Gentlemen

00:35:08That is fair

00:35:09And ladies

00:35:10To be fair to us

00:35:12I also believe

00:35:14If you decide

00:35:15To have the baby

00:35:16A man should not have to pay

00:35:19That's fair

00:35:26If you can kill this motherfucker

00:35:29I can at least abandon him

00:35:30It's my money

00:35:34My choice

00:35:35And if I'm wrong

00:35:42Then perhaps

00:35:42We're wrong

00:35:43Figure that shit out

00:35:45For yourselves

00:35:46I mean really y'all

00:35:57What the fuck

00:35:57Are we doing

00:35:58I can't live

00:36:00In this new world

00:36:01You're proposing

00:36:01And meanwhile

00:36:03While we're worrying

00:36:03About all this other shit

00:36:04Look at what's happening

00:36:05They just killed

00:36:06Another 12 people

00:36:07In a mass shooting

00:36:08In Virginia Beach

00:36:09This shit's happening

00:36:10Every week

00:36:10It happens so much

00:36:11I'm almost

00:36:12I don't care anymore

00:36:13I came home

00:36:15Early from the road

00:36:16I had a $12,000 suit on

00:36:19Cause ice been going good

00:36:20And I got home early

00:36:24And dinner was cooking

00:36:26You ever come home

00:36:26When dinner's cooking

00:36:27Doesn't that smell good

00:36:28And my son saw me

00:36:31And he was like

00:36:32Dad's home

00:36:32And he got up

00:36:33From the table

00:36:34And ran over

00:36:34To give me a hug

00:36:35But he had chicken grease

00:36:36All over his face

00:36:37So I stepped on him

00:36:38Like yo yo yo yo

00:36:39My man my man

00:36:40Watch these threads son

00:36:42This is an expensive suit

00:36:43I don't want you to get

00:36:44The chicken grease

00:36:45All over me

00:36:45And he was like

00:36:47What the

00:36:47Chicken grease

00:36:49Dad this is duck

00:36:51And tear came out of my eyes

00:36:59I never dreamt I'd do so well

00:37:02In life

00:37:02That I'd raise a nigga

00:37:03With duck grease

00:37:04All over his face

00:37:06And we sat down

00:37:16We just talked about everything

00:37:17I was telling my wife

00:37:18About how my shows

00:37:19Were going

00:37:20And I told her

00:37:21My trans jokes

00:37:22And she was like

00:37:22Oh I hate that joke

00:37:23And you know why

00:37:24She hates the joke

00:37:24Cause she's Asian

00:37:26But you know what I mean

00:37:29I don't make that face

00:37:30At the house

00:37:30Unless we're really fighting

00:37:32And me and her

00:37:42Like we weren't arguing

00:37:43But you know what I mean

00:37:44She was just like

00:37:44You need to stop doing that

00:37:45And then I tried

00:37:46To change the subject

00:37:47I go how's school going boys

00:37:48And my sons tell me

00:37:50Well we didn't have school today

00:37:51Technically

00:37:52I'm like what's going on

00:37:53He said well there was like

00:37:54A school shooting drill

00:37:56I never heard of this

00:37:57You know what this is

00:37:58They have drills

00:37:59That they make kids do

00:38:01Where they practice

00:38:03What to do

00:38:03If somebody comes

00:38:04To shoot up their school

00:38:05I'd never heard that before

00:38:06I was like what the fuck

00:38:07Then I had to tell my sons

00:38:09The truth

00:38:10I didn't want to tell them

00:38:10This shit

00:38:11Son

00:38:11Son listen to me

00:38:14Fuck that drill

00:38:16Somebody comes to your school

00:38:20And wants to shoot it up

00:38:21I'm just going to be honest

00:38:22With you

00:38:23You probably going to get shot

00:38:26Nigga

00:38:26I'm just being real

00:38:27You got a famous dad

00:38:31I talk a lot of shit

00:38:32They're going to be gunning

00:38:33For you little buddy

00:38:34Just stay low

00:38:38And run in a zig zag pattern

00:38:39And don't try to save anybody

00:38:42Son

00:38:42Do you understand me?

00:38:49Why would you have kids

00:38:51Rehearse for some shit

00:38:52They have no control over?

00:38:53All you're doing

00:38:54Is training these kids

00:38:54To worry

00:38:55It's the stupidest drill

00:38:56I've ever heard of

00:38:57And

00:38:57While you're in there

00:38:58Training them

00:38:59During these drills

00:39:00Well aren't you

00:39:03Training the shooter too?

00:39:04This nigga's in here

00:39:05Listening and learning

00:39:06Like the other kids

00:39:06Sitting in the back

00:39:08Where are we supposed to meet?

00:39:12If you're a parent

00:39:25This shit is terrifying

00:39:27This shit is real scary

00:39:28All the parents

00:39:29Is looking at each other

00:39:30Crazy

00:39:31Because we know

00:39:33As parents

00:39:33That one of us

00:39:35Is raising the shooter

00:39:36Just don't know

00:39:41Which one of us

00:39:41It is

00:39:42All we know for sure

00:39:45Is that if you're

00:39:47A white parent

00:39:48The chances that it's you

00:39:49Exponentially higher

00:39:55Than the rest of us

00:39:56Shooting up school

00:40:00Is a white kids game

00:40:01It's fucking crazy

00:40:05You know I hated school too

00:40:07It never occurred to me

00:40:08Kill everybody

00:40:11Kill everybody in school

00:40:12It's fucking crazy

00:40:14Just do what I did

00:40:17Nigga

00:40:17Try some things

00:40:18Have you skipped school

00:40:19Nigga skip school

00:40:20Take a walk

00:40:23And meet some other kids

00:40:24Fuck school

00:40:25Nigga

00:40:25Try drugs

00:40:27Have you tried drugs out

00:40:28Nigga that might

00:40:29Some scary shit

00:40:38I've given this

00:40:40A lot of thought

00:40:41I don't see any

00:40:42Peaceful way

00:40:43To disarm

00:40:45America's whites

00:40:46There's only one thing

00:41:01That's going to save

00:41:02This country from itself

00:41:03Same thing

00:41:04That always saves

00:41:05This country from itself

00:41:06And that is

00:41:08African Americans

00:41:09Right

00:41:12And I know the question

00:41:15That a lot of y'all

00:41:16Have in your minds

00:41:17Is

00:41:17Should we do it

00:41:19Yeah fuck yeah

00:41:23We should do it

00:41:24Listen

00:41:24No matter what they say

00:41:26Or how they make you feel

00:41:28Remember

00:41:28This is your

00:41:30Country

00:41:31Too

00:41:31It is incumbent

00:41:33Upon us

00:41:35To save

00:41:37Our country

00:41:38And you know

00:41:40What we have to do

00:41:41This is a fucking

00:41:42Election year

00:41:42We gotta be serious

00:41:43Every able-bodied

00:41:45African American

00:41:46Must register

00:41:48For a legal firearm

00:41:50That's the only way

00:42:04They'll change the law

00:42:05I hate guns

00:42:17Personally

00:42:18I can't stand them

00:42:20Yeah but I have several

00:42:23I don't want them

00:42:27But I feel like I need them

00:42:28Don't forget where I live

00:42:29I live in Ohio

00:42:31And anyone that knows

00:42:32Anything about Ohio

00:42:33Even the word Ohio

00:42:35Is an old

00:42:36Native American word

00:42:38It means

00:42:39Literally

00:42:40A land

00:42:42Of poor white people

00:42:44And I don't know

00:42:51What's going on down here

00:42:52But in my experience

00:42:53Poor white people

00:42:55Love

00:42:55And I mean

00:42:57They fucking love

00:42:58Love

00:42:58Heroin

00:43:00They can't seem

00:43:04To get enough of it

00:43:05I didn't even know

00:43:07What I was looking at

00:43:07At first

00:43:07I was just driving

00:43:08Like why are all

00:43:09These white people

00:43:10So sleepy out here

00:43:11These things

00:43:11It's really bad

00:43:18And matter of fact

00:43:20I was coming out

00:43:21Of the nightclub

00:43:21The other night

00:43:21In Dayton

00:43:22And I'd park my car

00:43:23In an alley

00:43:24And no one was out there

00:43:25I didn't have no bodyguards

00:43:26Or nothing

00:43:26I was home

00:43:27I figured everything

00:43:27Was fine

00:43:28And as soon as

00:43:29I opened my car door

00:43:30All by myself

00:43:32Suddenly

00:43:32One of these

00:43:34Heroin addicted whites

00:43:35Just pops out

00:43:35Of a trash can

00:43:36It scared the shit

00:43:37Out of me

00:43:37I screamed

00:43:38Ah

00:43:38And then I realized

00:43:45It was a woman

00:43:45She was fucked up

00:43:46She said

00:43:46Hey men

00:43:49Hey men

00:43:50Relax okay

00:43:51I'm sick

00:43:53I'm right

00:43:53I need some drugs

00:43:55Man

00:43:56Please

00:43:57I'll suck your dick

00:43:59For five dollars

00:44:01Man

00:44:02I was like

00:44:02Ugh

00:44:02Two

00:44:05Obviously I'm joking

00:44:25This opioid crisis

00:44:29Is a crisis

00:44:29I see it every day

00:44:31It's as bad as they say

00:44:32It's ruining lives

00:44:35It's destroying families

00:44:37Sadly

00:44:37You know what it reminds me of

00:44:38Seeing it

00:44:39Reminds me of us

00:44:42These white folks

00:44:44Look exactly like us

00:44:46During the crack epidemic

00:44:47You know

00:44:49It's really crazy to see

00:44:50And all this shit

00:44:52They talk about

00:44:53On the news

00:44:53About how divided

00:44:55The nation is

00:44:55I don't believe it

00:44:56I feel like nowadays

00:44:57We're getting

00:44:58A real good look

00:44:59At each other

00:45:00Is why

00:45:02Because

00:45:02I even have

00:45:03Insight

00:45:04Into how the white community

00:45:05Must have felt

00:45:07Watching the black community

00:45:08Go through the scourge

00:45:09Of crack

00:45:10Because I don't care either

00:45:12Hang in there

00:45:18Whites

00:45:18Just say no

00:45:22What's so hard

00:45:23About that?

00:45:24Remember when y'all

00:45:37Said that to us

00:45:38But it's okay

00:45:39There's no grudges

00:45:41Now you finally

00:45:41Got it right

00:45:42Once it started

00:45:43Happening to your kids

00:45:44You realize

00:45:44It's a health crisis

00:45:45These people are sick

00:45:46They are not criminals

00:45:48They are sick

00:45:50Be that as it may

00:45:57I'm armed to the teeth

00:46:00First gun I bought

00:46:06Was a 12 gauge shotgun

00:46:07I didn't want the gun

00:46:10Remember though

00:46:10I'd moved to a farm

00:46:11And I was sitting there

00:46:13On the porch

00:46:13And I see a white dude

00:46:14Walking across my property

00:46:16Entitled

00:46:17Like he's supposed to be there

00:46:18He had a rifle

00:46:19Over his shoulder too

00:46:19Ain't that a bitch?

00:46:24I said

00:46:25What the fuck

00:46:26Is this guy doing

00:46:26On my property?

00:46:28I was mad as shit

00:46:29But

00:46:30I was unarmed

00:46:31So I ended up

00:46:33Just waving to this motherfucker

00:46:35Like a bitch

00:46:35I was just like

00:46:36And as soon as he got

00:46:45Far enough away

00:46:46I ran to my car

00:46:48And sped to Kmart

00:46:49This is in a rural

00:46:53White area

00:46:53And remember

00:46:54I was nervous

00:46:55Because a guy

00:46:56Was on my property

00:46:57I'm black

00:46:57And I was sweaty

00:46:59You know what I mean?

00:47:00And I ran to the gun counter

00:47:01Black and sweaty

00:47:03Sweating and black

00:47:04And I looked up

00:47:05At the nigga

00:47:06I was like

00:47:06I look like a slave

00:47:07I said I need a gun

00:47:12I said I need a gun

00:47:12Immediately

00:47:13Like that

00:47:14Just like that

00:47:15The guy didn't answer

00:47:16No questions

00:47:17He just grabbed

00:47:18A 12-game shotgun

00:47:19Handed it to me

00:47:20I never even held a gun before

00:47:22I'm not a dummy

00:47:23I'm like

00:47:23Well I need some bullets too

00:47:26And the guy reached

00:47:28On the counter

00:47:28Put two box shells

00:47:30On the counter

00:47:30He said alright buddy

00:47:31Which box do you want?

00:47:34And I didn't know

00:47:34One box had

00:47:36A picture of some ducks

00:47:37On it

00:47:38The other box

00:47:40Had a picture of some deer

00:47:41I said well what's that box

00:47:43With them ducks

00:47:45He said oh that there's

00:47:48Bird shot

00:47:49And then he goes

00:47:50Just like this

00:47:51I'm not exaggerating

00:47:52He goes

00:47:52That won't kill a man

00:47:55He said it'll just

00:48:04Pepper him up nicely

00:48:05I said what the fuck

00:48:06Pepper

00:48:07You know what it means

00:48:12To pep a motherfucker up

00:48:13It means

00:48:15That when the shell explodes

00:48:17Hot BBs

00:48:18Will shoot out

00:48:19Of the barrel

00:48:20Of the gun

00:48:20Not killing a motherfucker

00:48:22But penetrating

00:48:23Their skin

00:48:23And shallow flesh

00:48:24Boy that's gotta hurt

00:48:26Hot BBs

00:48:27Ha ha

00:48:29Remember when

00:48:32Dick Cheney

00:48:33Shot a motherfucker

00:48:34In the face

00:48:35And he lived

00:48:35That was bird shot

00:48:37I said well what's that box

00:48:41With the deer on it

00:48:42He goes oh that there's

00:48:43Buckshot

00:48:44That'll put a hole

00:48:46In the goddamn truck

00:48:47If you wanted to

00:48:48So which box

00:48:51Do you want

00:48:52And he picked the one

00:48:53With the deer up

00:48:53And shook it

00:48:55I thought he was

00:49:02Trying to trick me

00:49:02I was like do you have

00:49:03A box

00:49:04With a picture of a

00:49:05White dude

00:49:06Trespassing on it

00:49:07Because

00:49:07It's exactly the strength

00:49:11I'm looking for

00:49:11But I didn't know

00:49:16That if you're defending

00:49:18Your home with a shotgun

00:49:19The formula dictates

00:49:21That you're supposed

00:49:22To buy both boxes

00:49:23This was not a formula

00:49:24That I was familiar with

00:49:25It goes like this

00:49:26The six shots

00:49:27And 12 gauge shotgun

00:49:28So when you load the gun

00:49:29You load it like this

00:49:31First shot

00:49:31Bird shot

00:49:32Next shot

00:49:33Buck shot

00:49:34Bird shot

00:49:36And then after that

00:49:37Guns Jamaican

00:49:38Buck shot

00:49:39Buck shot

00:49:39She got a picture it

00:49:46Okay

00:49:47Like say I'm in bed

00:49:48I'm sleeping

00:49:48And suddenly my wife

00:49:50Wakes me up

00:49:51David

00:49:51David wake up

00:49:53And I'm like

00:49:54Oh

00:49:54Look who's coming around

00:49:56And I pull my dick

00:49:58Over the top

00:49:59Of my pajamas

00:50:00And she says

00:50:10No

00:50:10I hear something

00:50:12I go

00:50:12Oh

00:50:12This bitch

00:50:13So I get up

00:50:14Out of bed

00:50:14Grab the gun

00:50:18I say

00:50:19Wait here baby

00:50:20I'll go check it out

00:50:21Just lock the door

00:50:22Behind me

00:50:22Oh my god

00:50:25She's right

00:50:26Right there in the kitchen

00:50:27It's a heroin addicted

00:50:29White

00:50:29And

00:50:30He's digging through

00:50:33The change job

00:50:34By the door

00:50:35Hmm

00:50:36Hmm

00:50:36I worked really hard

00:50:37For that change

00:50:38I gotta do something

00:50:39So first

00:50:40I wrap the shotgun

00:50:41Hey motherfucker

00:50:42Click clack

00:50:43That's a test

00:50:45That click clack sound

00:50:47Will stop

00:50:49A rational human being

00:50:51In their tracks

00:50:52But sure enough

00:50:54This person is not rational

00:50:55They're sick on drugs

00:50:57They're digging

00:50:57In the change

00:50:58Hmm

00:50:59I gotta act fast

00:51:00This nigga's almost got

00:51:01A dollar fifty

00:51:01I warned you

00:51:07Birdshide

00:51:08And there it goes

00:51:10Hot

00:51:11BBs

00:51:12Will permeate

00:51:13His yellow heroin skin

00:51:15Remember

00:51:16I'm not killing him

00:51:17I'm just

00:51:17Peppering him up nice

00:51:19He lets out

00:51:21A heroin scream

00:51:23And that should be

00:51:33The end of it

00:51:34But

00:51:35Uh oh

00:51:35I miscalculated

00:51:37While he's on the ground

00:51:39Screaming

00:51:39I noticed that

00:51:40His teeth are horribly

00:51:42Miscolored

00:51:42That's not heroin

00:51:44At all

00:51:45Is it

00:51:45That's crystal meth

00:51:46He pops right back up

00:51:48Unscathed

00:51:49Roar

00:51:50Time for the heavy stuff

00:51:56Clack clack

00:51:56Buckshot

00:51:57And then if he got a friend

00:52:02And then if he got a friend with him

00:52:02I got one more birdshot left

00:52:04And I repeat the cycle

00:52:05After that

00:52:06Niggas

00:52:07Slugs for everybody

00:52:08And I'll be in a kitchen

00:52:11Full of dying heroin addicts

00:52:13Saying stupid heroin last words

00:52:15Oh

00:52:16You shot me bro

00:52:19It hurts man

00:52:24It hurts

00:52:25The last words are always

00:52:27The dumbest words

00:52:27Like

00:52:28Why is your dick out

00:52:30I'm just afraid

00:52:47Of being attacked

00:52:48Happens to the best

00:52:50Don't ever forget

00:52:51What happened

00:52:51To that French actor

00:52:53You know what I'm talking about

00:52:55Juicy Smouye

00:52:57He's a very French

00:52:58Very famous French actor

00:53:00Y'all never heard of

00:53:10Juicy Smouye

00:53:11Juicy Smouye

00:53:15Is an actor

00:53:16From France

00:53:17And he became

00:53:26Famous on a show

00:53:28Called Empire

00:53:29One night

00:53:34He was in Chicago

00:53:36Late at night

00:53:37And was the victim

00:53:39He was the victim

00:53:50Of a racist

00:53:52And homophobic attack

00:53:53You see

00:53:54Juicy Smouye

00:53:55Is

00:53:56Gay

00:53:59And he is black

00:54:00Not just French

00:54:02Oh

00:54:08It's always a crazy story

00:54:09Apparently

00:54:11When he's walking

00:54:13Down the street

00:54:13Late at night

00:54:14Two white men

00:54:14Came out of the shadows

00:54:16With MAGA hats on

00:54:18And beat him up

00:54:19Tied a rope around

00:54:21His neck

00:54:22Called him all kinds

00:54:23Of niggas

00:54:23And

00:54:23Put some bleach

00:54:26On him

00:54:26And ran off

00:54:27Into the night

00:54:27This shit was like

00:54:30International news

00:54:32And everybody

00:54:33Was furious

00:54:35Especially in Hollywood

00:54:36It's all over

00:54:37Everybody's Twitter feed

00:54:38And Instagram page

00:54:39Justice for Juicy

00:54:40And all this shit

00:54:41The whole country

00:54:47Was up in arms

00:54:47We was talking about it

00:54:48All the time

00:54:48On the news

00:54:49And

00:54:50And for some reason

00:54:51Uh

00:54:52African Americans

00:54:53We were like

00:54:54Oddly quiet

00:54:55We were so quiet

00:55:00About the shit

00:55:01That the gay community

00:55:03Started accusing

00:55:04African American community

00:55:05Of being homophobic

00:55:07For not supporting him

00:55:08What they didn't understand

00:55:10Is that we were

00:55:12Supporting him

00:55:13With our silence

00:55:14Because we understood

00:55:18That this nigga

00:55:20Was clearly lying

00:55:22None of these details

00:55:32Added up

00:55:33At all

00:55:34He said

00:55:35He's walking down

00:55:36The street in Chicago

00:55:37And

00:55:38White dudes

00:55:39Come up to him

00:55:40And say

00:55:40Hey man

00:55:41Aren't you that

00:55:42Faggot nigger

00:55:42From Empire

00:55:43Of fuck

00:55:45Does that sound like

00:55:46How white people talk

00:55:48I know white people

00:55:51They don't talk like that

00:55:52Are you that

00:55:52Faggot nigger

00:55:53From Empire

00:55:54They would never say that

00:55:55It sounds like something

00:55:57That I would say

00:55:59If you're racist

00:56:09And homophobic

00:56:10You're not even

00:56:11Gonna know who this nigga is

00:56:12You can't watch Empire

00:56:13Black people never feel

00:56:20Sorry for the police

00:56:21But this time

00:56:22We even felt

00:56:22Sorry for the police

00:56:23Can you imagine

00:56:24If you was a police veteran

00:56:25Taking this kid's

00:56:26Police report

00:56:27Okay Mr. Smoulier

00:56:28Please tell me

00:56:29What happened

00:56:29All right

00:56:312 a.m

00:56:33You left the house

00:56:352 a.m

00:56:35It's minus 16 degrees

00:56:36All right

00:56:38You were walking

00:56:42You were walking

00:56:42All right

00:56:44And

00:56:48And

00:56:48Where were you going

00:56:50Subway

00:56:51Sandwiches

00:56:54That's when the men

00:57:05Approach you

00:57:05Did you see them

00:57:06You have any

00:57:07Okay

00:57:08What do they have on

00:57:09MAGA hats

00:57:10MAGA hats

00:57:12On

00:57:13In Chicago

00:57:13Excuse me

00:57:15One second

00:57:15Mr. Smoulier

00:57:16Frank

00:57:16Come here for a second

00:57:17Find out where

00:57:22Kanye West was

00:57:23Last night

00:57:23Such a fucking

00:57:38Outrageous story

00:57:40He said they put

00:57:41A rope

00:57:42Around his neck

00:57:43Has anyone here

00:57:43Ever been to Chicago

00:57:44All right

00:57:47All right

00:57:48So you've been there

00:57:48Now tell me

00:57:49How much rope

00:57:51Do you remember seeing

00:57:52Who the fuck

00:57:54Is carrying rope

00:57:55Like when did you

00:57:56Give mug

00:57:57Nigga

00:57:57In 1850

00:57:58Who's got rope

00:57:59Who's got rope

00:58:01Man that shit

00:58:06Was awful

00:58:07So

00:58:08Okay

00:58:08I'm doing a show

00:58:10Somewhere

00:58:10And I'm on stage

00:58:12And

00:58:12I was a little drunk

00:58:13You know

00:58:14And I figured

00:58:16Fuck it

00:58:17Let me talk about

00:58:17That nigga a little bit

00:58:18I figured it'd be safe

00:58:19Cause you know

00:58:20Everybody's phones

00:58:21Are locked up

00:58:21And I went in

00:58:25On this kid

00:58:26I was talking

00:58:26All kinds of shit

00:58:27Now I didn't know

00:58:28That there was

00:58:30A journalist

00:58:30In the audience

00:58:32And unfortunately

00:58:33For me

00:58:34That motherfucker

00:58:35Took impeccable notes

00:58:38He told everybody

00:58:44Everything I said

00:58:45He was even putting

00:58:46The jokes in the headline

00:58:47The headline said

00:58:48Dave Chappelle says

00:58:49He wants to smash

00:58:51A dollhouse

00:58:52Over Juicy Smuyi's head

00:58:54And I thought

00:59:04For sure

00:59:05When I read that headline

00:59:06I said

00:59:06Well that's it for me

00:59:07I'm cancelled

00:59:08Lucky for me

00:59:11That very same day

00:59:13The Chicago police

00:59:14Caught the motherfuckers

00:59:16That actually did it

00:59:17And

00:59:18Hilariously

00:59:19They were both

00:59:21Nigerian

00:59:22Not only were they

00:59:24Not white

00:59:24They were very

00:59:25Very black

00:59:26They were Nigerian

00:59:28Which is the funniest

00:59:29The whole story

00:59:30Is funnier now

00:59:31This is Mugger country

00:59:33You forgot

00:59:34Nigga

00:59:35You forgot

00:59:39Nigga

00:59:40If

00:59:47If you're in a group

00:59:49That I made fun of

00:59:50Then just know

00:59:51That I'll probably

00:59:52It would only make fun

00:59:53Of you

00:59:53If I see myself

00:59:54In you

00:59:55I make fun

00:59:55Of poor white people

00:59:56Because I

00:59:58Was once poor

00:59:59And I know

01:00:01That the only difference

01:00:02Between a poor black person

01:00:04And a poor white person

01:00:05Is that a poor white person

01:00:07Feels like

01:00:08It's not supposed

01:00:09To be happening

01:00:09To them

01:00:10Everything else

01:00:17Is the same

01:00:18I know what it's like

01:00:20To have a cold house

01:00:21I wasn't allowed

01:00:22To touch the thermostat

01:00:23Growing up

01:00:24Without asking my father

01:00:25And it would be

01:00:26Fucking freezing in the house

01:00:27I'd be like

01:00:28Dad please

01:00:28Can I please

01:00:29Just turn the heat up

01:00:30To like

01:00:31I don't know

01:00:3132

01:00:32Nigga

01:00:32It's really cold

01:00:33And my dad would say

01:00:39Just put more clothes on

01:00:40Just put more clothes on

01:00:41David

01:00:41Got all three of my outfits on

01:00:44Nigga

01:00:44Will you look at me

01:00:44I'm freezing up here

01:00:46And he said

01:00:48Just don't think about

01:00:49How cold you are

01:00:50David

01:00:50And I said this

01:00:51I didn't say it to him

01:00:53But I said it in front of him

01:00:54So he could hear

01:00:55I said I fucking hate

01:00:57Being poor

01:00:58And my dad got really upset

01:01:01He didn't scream or holler

01:01:02That wasn't his way

01:01:03He just threw his newspaper

01:01:04On the floor

01:01:05And he said

01:01:05David

01:01:06David

01:01:07You are not

01:01:09Poor

01:01:10He said

01:01:12Poor

01:01:13Is a mentality

01:01:14He said

01:01:18It's a mentality

01:01:19That very few people

01:01:21Ever recover from

01:01:23Don't you forget it son

01:01:25You

01:01:26Are broke

01:01:27He said

01:01:35These are just

01:01:35Financial circumstances

01:01:37That I hope to overcome

01:01:38One day very soon

01:01:40And I said

01:01:40Well dad

01:01:41Whatever you want to call this

01:01:42It's wildly uncomfortable

01:01:44There was a big dance

01:01:49Coming up in the middle school

01:01:51I was 12 years old

01:01:51I said dad

01:01:52Can I go to the dance

01:01:53He said

01:01:53Of course you can go to the dance

01:01:54I want you to get out

01:01:55And meet some more kids

01:01:56I said great

01:01:57It costs three dollars

01:01:59To get in

01:01:59And my dad said

01:02:00Ooh

01:02:01Sorry son

01:02:04I don't have it

01:02:07I was like

01:02:07What the fuck

01:02:08You don't have

01:02:10Three dollars

01:02:12Well then how are we alive dad

01:02:15Wish I found some way

01:02:21Out of this hell

01:02:22I'd do anything

01:02:23To not be poor

01:02:24I will show Michael Jackson

01:02:26My anus

01:02:27If I get a chance

01:02:27I just gotta get out

01:02:30Of this hell

01:02:30Dad said

01:02:36If you want to go to the dance

01:02:37Bad enough

01:02:37I tell you what

01:02:38There's some money

01:02:39In the change jar

01:02:40Get the money from there

01:02:41I was 12 years old

01:02:42That's what I did

01:02:43I showed up to the dance early

01:02:44There's a long line of kids

01:02:46Waiting behind me

01:02:47While I'm at the door

01:02:47Trying to count out

01:02:48300 pennies

01:02:49To get inside

01:02:50I will never forget this shit

01:02:52As long as I fucking live

01:02:54Oh man

01:02:55You know

01:02:56If you've been poor

01:02:56You know what that feels like

01:02:57You're ashamed all the time

01:02:58Feels like it's your fault

01:03:00And all them kids was laughing

01:03:01Ha ha ha

01:03:02Look how poor the age pal is

01:03:04Like when I think back at it

01:03:06That's really the only time

01:03:07In my life

01:03:08That I ever thought to myself

01:03:10I should kill everybody at school

01:03:13Thank you very much everybody

01:03:21And good night

01:03:23This is why I say it

01:03:28Got more damage to y'all

01:03:30African Americans

01:03:31Than racism

01:03:32In recent years

01:03:33This is my heritage

01:03:37I'm inheriting money

01:03:38Empowered the maker

01:03:39I'm ever just

01:03:39Tell me something

01:03:40You motherfuckers

01:03:42Can't tell me nothing

01:03:42I'd rather die than to listen to you

01:03:44My DNA not for imitation

01:03:46Your DNA an abomination

01:03:48This I wear

01:03:49This where you in the matrix

01:03:50Dodging bullets

01:03:50Reaping what you're sewing

01:03:51Stacking up the footage

01:03:52Living on the go

01:03:53And sleeping in the pillars

01:03:54Sipping from a Grammy

01:03:55Parking in the building

01:03:56Diamond in the ceiling

01:03:57Marble on the floors

01:03:58Peaches out the window

01:03:59Peaking at the window

01:03:59Baby in the pool

01:04:00God find the doors

01:04:01Only lord knows

01:04:02I've been going hammer

01:04:03Dodging paparazzi

01:04:04Freaking through the cameras

01:04:05Eat it for her daughters

01:04:06Brock wearing sandals

01:04:07Yoga on a Monday

01:04:08Stretching to the planner

01:04:09Watchin' all the snakes

01:04:10Curvin' all the fakes

01:04:11Phone never owned

01:04:12I don't conversate

01:04:12I don't compromise

01:04:13I just penetrate

01:04:14Sex, money, murder

01:04:15These are the breaks

01:04:16These are the times

01:04:17Level number nine

01:04:18Look up in the sky

01:04:19Tennis on the way

01:04:20Tennis on the way

01:04:21Tennis on the way

01:04:22Motherfucker I got winners on the way

01:04:23You ain't shit without a buddy

01:04:25On your belt

01:04:25You ain't shit without a ticket

01:04:27On your plate

01:04:27You ain't sick enough

01:04:28To put it on your cell

01:04:29You ain't rich enough

01:04:30To hit the light of skate

01:04:31Tell me when this trash

01:04:32It's gonna be my fate

01:04:33Gonna be a fate

01:04:34Gonna be a fate

01:04:34Peace to the world

01:04:35Let it rotate

01:04:36Sex, money, murder

01:04:37ID&A

01:04:38Mommy

01:04:55Why does everybody have a bomb?

01:05:02Mommy

01:05:03Why does everybody have a bomb?

01:05:11By the way

01:05:12Van Glorious

01:05:14This is protected

01:05:16By the red

01:05:17The black

01:05:19And the green

01:05:20At the crossroad

01:05:22With the key

01:05:23Sissy

01:05:24Yeah

Dave Chappelle - Sticks & Stones (19)

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