- yesterday
Tom discusses his "admiration" for Brad Pitt, what it's like to raise two sons, and the lessons he learned from sharing his gummies with his mother at a performance in Phoenix, Arizona, in front of an energizing sold-out audience.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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FunTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:29CastingWords
00:01:59I met a supermodel, which is wild, because, well, I don't think she wanted to meet me.
00:02:04I should be clear about that.
00:02:07I was in a fancy hotel in Toronto, and somebody that worked there, you know, they go to her.
00:02:13They're like, hey, he's a comedian.
00:02:14And she was like, okay.
00:02:17And then they go, she's a supermodel.
00:02:19I was like, I can see.
00:02:22And what struck me is that they are so much better looking than you think they're going to be.
00:02:27Like, you know, you see her in a magazine or on your phone, and you're like, she's pretty.
00:02:32But in person, you're like, what the fuck is happening right now?
00:02:37And then you realize that it's a genetic freak.
00:02:41It is.
00:02:42If you are a supermodel, you are a freak.
00:02:46You are no different than a seven-foot-tall man.
00:02:49I don't know if you've ever met a seven-footer.
00:02:53I have.
00:02:53It is unsettling, all right?
00:02:55Like, you basically, you go like, am I a child?
00:02:58What's happening?
00:03:01This woman was so unbelievably good looking.
00:03:06Like, five seconds into our conversation, I stopped speaking and listening, all right?
00:03:13I was looking at her like she was at the zoo.
00:03:15I was like, I was like, let me see your ears.
00:03:21I was looking for flaws, you know?
00:03:23She was absolutely perfect.
00:03:26And then my next thought was, why can't my wife just drown?
00:03:31You know?
00:03:31She knows.
00:03:41I told her.
00:03:41She knows.
00:03:44She was like, you know I can swim, right?
00:03:45I was like, yeah, I know you can swim.
00:03:47It doesn't matter if you can swim.
00:03:49It matters if a jury believes you can swim.
00:03:52So, I have, uh, I've been to unbelievable places because of this job.
00:04:06It's really crazy.
00:04:07I've seen amazing places.
00:04:09I've been to Rome, Hong Kong, Machu Picchu, all because of this job.
00:04:14And then, there's other days.
00:04:18Like, I had to go to Topeka, Kansas to do a show.
00:04:22We went because they bought tickets, but we got the fuck out of there right away.
00:04:29There was something that's pretty cool, though, that happened there,
00:04:31which is that my show there was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church.
00:04:36Uh, well, if you know them, sometimes they're in the news.
00:04:47And if you're like, oh, really?
00:04:48There's a church in the news?
00:04:50But why?
00:04:52Well, sometimes they also protest dead soldiers' funerals.
00:04:56Cool shit like that.
00:04:57And I was backstage, and my tour manager came in the room.
00:05:02He goes, hey, the Westboro Baptist Church is here.
00:05:04I was like, to see the show?
00:05:05Really?
00:05:06And he was like, no.
00:05:11So they're protesting.
00:05:12And they were out front with their dumb fucking signs.
00:05:18Their homemade signs, because they're poor.
00:05:21They had signs made that said, Tom is a sinner.
00:05:29And I was like, yes.
00:05:31Then they had, like, real hateful signs, too, that said, uh, like, God hates gays, but didn't say gay.
00:05:48It was another word.
00:05:49Your dad says it.
00:05:54Your dad says it when the Cardinals lose, you know?
00:05:58Like, uh...
00:05:58All right, your uncle.
00:06:04Somebody says it.
00:06:05Uh...
00:06:06I took offense, not so much to the word as the implication that God hates gays.
00:06:14I don't think that's true.
00:06:15I think God has a people problem.
00:06:19There are too many people.
00:06:22And that is not gay people's fault.
00:06:31Because they buttfucked.
00:06:32Do I have to spell everything out for you guys?
00:06:34Like, Jesus.
00:06:38You can nut as hard as you want in somebody's ass over and over and over.
00:06:44And something will come out, but it's not a baby.
00:06:51Uh...
00:06:52I mean...
00:06:54Still worth taking a picture of, I would argue.
00:06:59Maybe give it a name.
00:07:00It's not going to live long.
00:07:01Uh...
00:07:03I'm not gay, but...
00:07:10I am not above checking out a dude.
00:07:12I'm serious.
00:07:13Like, if I'm at the beach, and there's some super fucking, like,
00:07:17just yoked dude there, I'll be like,
00:07:19Hey!
00:07:20Nice.
00:07:23Very nice.
00:07:25What's your protein intake like?
00:07:27What do you do?
00:07:29Cardio and lift?
00:07:30Of course.
00:07:31And then a hot chick will walk by, and I'll go,
00:07:33Get the fuck out of here.
00:07:34What do you mean?
00:07:39I think the gayest I ever was...
00:07:42was in February.
00:07:47That's when I did my shows in Los Angeles,
00:07:50and Brad Pitt came to my show?
00:07:52Look, I do not know what year he was born or how many infants he consumes in a week,
00:08:02but that man is stunning, all right?
00:08:06He came into my dressing room.
00:08:08I couldn't make eye contact.
00:08:09Do you understand?
00:08:10Like, I was like, Hey, what's up, man?
00:08:12How you doing?
00:08:14He goes, Look at me.
00:08:15I was like, No.
00:08:20He goes, Come on.
00:08:21I said, Shut up.
00:08:31He goes, You want to give me a kiss?
00:08:32I was like, Yeah.
00:08:37He goes, Do it.
00:08:38I'm like, I got it.
00:08:39I kissed him.
00:08:40What?
00:08:48It wasn't gay.
00:08:50We took a bath later.
00:08:52That was gay.
00:08:52But we talked about sports, so I balanced out, you know?
00:08:56I think you're lucky if in this life you have, like, one real friend.
00:09:04You know what I mean?
00:09:04Like, a true friend.
00:09:06I think I have four.
00:09:07Brad Pitt.
00:09:10I call him Pitt Stop, because we're close.
00:09:14And just three other guys.
00:09:15You know, people that you know intimately.
00:09:17Like, you know each other's secrets and stuff.
00:09:19Like, one of my friends, you know, I know that he hides that he smokes weed from his wife.
00:09:24His name is Casey.
00:09:26One of my friends, he hides that he eats McDonald's from his wife because he's fat.
00:09:35And his name is Charlie.
00:09:40I guess they know now, but, you know.
00:09:44But it's wild when you find out something new after knowing people that long, you know?
00:09:48I've known these guys, like, 25, 30 years.
00:09:50And I found out last week.
00:09:53So 25 years into these friendships, that I'm the only one who eats ass in that entire group?
00:10:00Isn't that crazy to you?
00:10:02Like, I guess I'm friends with a bunch of third graders?
00:10:13I don't know.
00:10:14Like, one of the guys is newly in love, too.
00:10:18Justin, newly in love.
00:10:19And usually newly in love people are really on board, you know?
00:10:23Because everything's rainbows and butterflies for them.
00:10:26Like, every day, Justin's like, ha, ha, ha.
00:10:30I'm in love.
00:10:32I go, that's great.
00:10:33Did you eat her ass?
00:10:36He's like, no.
00:10:38I said, so you don't like her?
00:10:39And he was like, no, I do.
00:10:43And I said, no, you don't.
00:10:46If you did, you'd give her the sweetest kiss of all, you know?
00:10:54He goes, that's where she shits.
00:10:58I was like, yeah, don't do it then.
00:11:03Wait a while, you know?
00:11:06Put her in a bath or something.
00:11:07That's what I did with Brad.
00:11:08Now, he goes, you're gross.
00:11:20I was like, whatever.
00:11:23And he said, that's what a dog does.
00:11:25And I said, excuse me?
00:11:28He goes, a dog licks its own ass.
00:11:31I said, first of all, if I could lick my own ass,
00:11:35I wouldn't be on tour, all right?
00:11:39I would do it until a doctor told me to stop.
00:11:43Like, he would have to sit me down and be like,
00:11:45you're not going to have an ass pretty soon
00:11:47if you don't knock this off.
00:11:48And I'd be like, well, it feels good.
00:11:55And he'd go, I don't trust you.
00:11:57I'm going to put a cone around your neck.
00:11:58I mean, I can take it off with my paws.
00:12:03Okay.
00:12:06Sorry, that was very stupid.
00:12:07I'm sorry.
00:12:07Now, I wish my dad was still here, you know?
00:12:12He died a few months ago.
00:12:14And I understand it's part of life.
00:12:16You know, it happens to everybody.
00:12:18And, you know, I just, I'd never visited somebody sick in the hospital.
00:12:22That was a new experience for me.
00:12:23And it's strange if you've never done it.
00:12:25You get to the hospital, and then somebody that works there goes,
00:12:28are you here to see?
00:12:29And you go, yeah.
00:12:31And they go, yeah, they're going to die soon.
00:12:32And you're like, I thought so, too.
00:12:34That's why I came.
00:12:37And then they go, you can go in there and watch that now.
00:12:39And you're like, thanks.
00:12:42Personally, I feel like watching somebody die
00:12:45that you're not trying to kill is weird, you know?
00:12:51Like, it's different if you have somebody, you know,
00:12:53and you're like...
00:12:55And they go, I'm dying.
00:12:58You're like, I know, I want you dead.
00:12:59That's why I'm doing this.
00:13:01That probably feels good.
00:13:02I don't know.
00:13:04I'm assuming it's a euphoric feeling
00:13:06that you chase forever and ever.
00:13:08But ask Garth Brooks.
00:13:11He'll tell you all about it.
00:13:20Come on.
00:13:22Where are the bodies, G?
00:13:26Please.
00:13:30Connect the dots.
00:13:31Now, I will tell you this.
00:13:34I did have a great conversation with my father.
00:13:38And I hope if you're ever in that situation, you get it, too.
00:13:42We had this great talk.
00:13:43And then he just drops this on me.
00:13:45He goes, you know what I've never told you?
00:13:48And I was like, no.
00:13:49What?
00:13:50And I was really hoping he was going to say, you know,
00:13:53there's a treasure buried in the backyard.
00:13:55I go, it's for you.
00:13:59I go, what have you never told me?
00:14:01And he goes, I like a full bush on a lady.
00:14:03And I was like, what?
00:14:05What?
00:14:09He goes, your mother keeps trimming hers.
00:14:11I go, hey, what the fuck, man?
00:14:13I go, why are you telling me this?
00:14:18And he goes, who am I supposed to tell?
00:14:21I go, the Lord?
00:14:23You're about to meet him.
00:14:25And that was it.
00:14:26And then he said the N-word, and then he died.
00:14:27It was his last wish, all right?
00:14:39Yeah.
00:14:39Make-A-Wish was pissed.
00:14:43They were like, we don't do that.
00:14:45And I was like, well, maybe you should.
00:14:48I mean, if it was between saying that or meeting Tom Brady,
00:14:50I'd be like, fuck Tom Brady.
00:14:51I want to say it.
00:14:57What really sucks about losing a parent is when you have kids,
00:15:05because you want your parents to hang out with your kids, you know?
00:15:09Like, I have two boys.
00:15:11They're six and three, and they are boys.
00:15:15Like, real he-hims, if you know what I'm saying.
00:15:23Don't worry, we asked them, all right?
00:15:25And they were like, definitely.
00:15:28And we're like, oh, it's up to you.
00:15:32Now.
00:15:43Luckily, I have a cousin that lives near me,
00:15:47and he has two girls the same age, six and three.
00:15:51So I get this wildly different experience up close and in person all the time.
00:15:57And these girls come over to my house.
00:16:00My God, what did I do wrong where I didn't get girls?
00:16:03These girls, they show up, and they're like, hello, Uncle Tommy.
00:16:10I go, hello to you.
00:16:13And they go, where should we sit?
00:16:16I go, try one of the chairs.
00:16:18And they go, we would like to color.
00:16:24And I go, please.
00:16:27And then they sit down, and they fucking color.
00:16:35An hour later, I can go into that room, and they're like, hmm.
00:16:39I go, that's nice.
00:16:46Where are my boys?
00:16:49Are they in the house?
00:16:52Are they on the house?
00:16:54Are they on?
00:16:55Oh, they're on the street.
00:16:56Fantastic.
00:16:58I go out there.
00:16:59I'm like, what the hell are you guys doing?
00:17:01And they're like, we broke all the crayons.
00:17:03And we put them in the mailbox.
00:17:11Thanks for doing that.
00:17:18My six-year-old, he goes, what would you do if a bad guy took your stuff?
00:17:25I would ask him to give it back.
00:17:26I don't know.
00:17:27He goes, I would get a sword.
00:17:29I would cut him into pieces.
00:17:35And I put the pieces in the mailbox.
00:17:37I'm like, what are you doing with the mailbox, Dahmer?
00:17:46He goes, you know Grandpa liked a full bush?
00:17:48I go, hey.
00:17:51Did he call you?
00:17:52How do you know that?
00:17:53My kids call me Tom.
00:18:05So unnerving.
00:18:08Every day, the older one's like, how you doing, Tom?
00:18:12I go, hey, I'm not your fucking stepdad, all right?
00:18:18I wish I was.
00:18:19It'd be a lot easier, but I'm not.
00:18:21I go, call me Dad.
00:18:25He goes, I like Tom.
00:18:26I'm like, all right.
00:18:28What is up with your voice?
00:18:29Do you smoke cigarettes?
00:18:30Why do you talk like that?
00:18:33Kid sounds like he fixes Harleys all day, but...
00:18:37He's really just obsessed with the decades-old video game Pac-Man.
00:18:42And he has Pac-Man questions morning, noon, and night.
00:18:49He woke me up at three in the morning.
00:18:52Let's be clear.
00:18:52He doesn't know how to wake somebody up, all right?
00:18:55He stood an inch from my face.
00:19:00The most menacing way somebody can wake you up.
00:19:04He just goes, hey, Tom.
00:19:06I was like, holy shit!
00:19:11What?
00:19:14He's like, what would happen...
00:19:16if Pac-Man needed a house?
00:19:20I'm like, what the... what?
00:19:22He thinks I didn't understand the question.
00:19:29So he slows it down.
00:19:30For me.
00:19:33He goes, what would happen...
00:19:37if Pac...
00:19:38I go, he'd call a realtor.
00:19:40I'm having a heart attack, all right?
00:19:44Pac-Man would get a loan and buy a house.
00:19:47He's like, okay, I'm going to bed.
00:19:49I'm like, all right.
00:19:49I'll be up for three days.
00:19:51Thanks, thanks.
00:19:56At the same time,
00:19:57I have a monitor on the nightstand
00:19:59for the little guy, right?
00:20:01This dude stands up in bed.
00:20:03And he goes, what was that?
00:20:11So now I drag my ass into his room.
00:20:14He's standing there with his three-year-old gut out.
00:20:16You know how they're all like...
00:20:21I'm like, what, do you own a chevron?
00:20:25Why do you stand like that, dude?
00:20:31I go, what?
00:20:33He goes, what was that?
00:20:35I go, what was what?
00:20:37He goes, that.
00:20:38I go, what's that?
00:20:41He goes, what was that?
00:20:42I go, I don't know what the fuck you're asking.
00:20:43He goes, was that the choo-choo?
00:20:49I said, what?
00:20:51He goes, was it a choo-choo?
00:20:54He said it like, are you stupid enough
00:20:58to turn our trains on
00:21:02without the conductor
00:21:04at the helm?
00:21:06I go, no.
00:21:07He goes, so what was it?
00:21:08I go, I don't know.
00:21:11I said, maybe it was a choo-choo.
00:21:12And he goes, yeah, don't do that.
00:21:14I was like...
00:21:14All right, Al-Qaeda boss,
00:21:18go back in your cake.
00:21:24He's one of those kids
00:21:25that only laughs at real anger.
00:21:27I don't know if you've ever met
00:21:28one of those peaches, but...
00:21:31See, most two- and three-year-olds,
00:21:33they laugh at manufactured anger.
00:21:35Performative anger.
00:21:36You can go up to a kid that age
00:21:38and just go, rawr,
00:21:39and they're like...
00:21:40And this kid's like, mm-mm.
00:21:44I want to see your blood pressure spike, man.
00:21:49The hardest I've ever seen him laugh,
00:21:51it's not even close,
00:21:52it's when he flushed my car keys
00:21:54down the toilet.
00:21:57It was my fault, I guess.
00:21:59I didn't hang them up.
00:22:01I put them on the coffee table
00:22:02that I also bought, and...
00:22:04I was laying on the couch,
00:22:08you know, it was a long day.
00:22:10I see his little ass
00:22:11come in the room,
00:22:13see the keys,
00:22:14and he's like...
00:22:16And I go, no, don't.
00:22:20And he picks them up,
00:22:21and he goes, chase me.
00:22:26Down the hall.
00:22:29I go, okay.
00:22:30I give him a head start.
00:22:31He's three.
00:22:34When I stand up,
00:22:36I see him dip into the bathroom.
00:22:37I'm like, no.
00:22:41And when I get there,
00:22:42and I lose my shit.
00:22:50I don't yell at him,
00:22:51I'm just yelling at my life,
00:22:53you know?
00:22:54I'm like, fuck!
00:22:58No!
00:23:01Fuck!
00:23:03And when I turn,
00:23:04he's like,
00:23:04that's what I'm talking about right there.
00:23:05You're a very funny guy.
00:23:19Fucking kicked him in the chest.
00:23:25I had those little shits.
00:23:26I took a shower
00:23:29with the six-year-old.
00:23:31He's six.
00:23:32He's not 16.
00:23:36If you never shower
00:23:36with a six-year-old,
00:23:37let me give you some advice.
00:23:39Make sure it's yours.
00:23:41Otherwise,
00:23:42it's strange
00:23:45if you're like,
00:23:46what's your name?
00:23:46He's my son.
00:23:52And I wanted to,
00:23:53you know,
00:23:53I was trying to be
00:23:54like a fun dad.
00:23:55I offered him
00:23:56the shower head.
00:23:57I thought it was a fun
00:23:58in-the-moment thing.
00:23:59I go,
00:23:59do you want to hold
00:24:00the shower head?
00:24:02And he was like,
00:24:02yeah.
00:24:05I give it to him.
00:24:06He just starts
00:24:06cleaning the shower.
00:24:13So, you know,
00:24:14after a minute,
00:24:15I'm like,
00:24:16can you wet me?
00:24:20And he goes,
00:24:21Tom, relax.
00:24:29Then he looks up at me.
00:24:31He goes,
00:24:32you have a big penis.
00:24:35And I have a small one.
00:24:38I go,
00:24:39well, that's
00:24:39because mine's hard, buddy.
00:24:46We can make yours hard, too.
00:24:51You just gotta go like this.
00:25:01No.
00:25:05I did not
00:25:06jerk off
00:25:07with my son.
00:25:11I just always wanted
00:25:12to say that.
00:25:13Uh,
00:25:16the truth is,
00:25:23truth is,
00:25:25he really did say,
00:25:27you have a big penis,
00:25:28and I have a small one.
00:25:31And what I really said,
00:25:32immediately,
00:25:34and I mean,
00:25:34in a split second
00:25:36of him saying that,
00:25:38I went,
00:25:39no!
00:25:47And if you're like,
00:25:47why did you shout no?
00:25:49I think because
00:25:51in that split second,
00:25:52I thought,
00:25:53I don't want this
00:25:54to be some shit.
00:25:55You start saying
00:25:56when we're out.
00:26:00I don't want to be
00:26:01in a store with him
00:26:02where he's like,
00:26:03do you have a big penis?
00:26:04And I'd be like,
00:26:04ha, ha, yeah, yeah.
00:26:08You know how it is.
00:26:09And the guy's like,
00:26:09I don't know how it is.
00:26:10What the fuck
00:26:10was that all about?
00:26:11The worst part
00:26:16is that I scared him.
00:26:18When I shouted,
00:26:19that's a terrible feeling.
00:26:20You see fear register
00:26:22on your own kid's face
00:26:24because of your overreaction.
00:26:26And I wanted to say
00:26:27the right thing,
00:26:27or whatever the right thing
00:26:29is to say
00:26:30in that situation,
00:26:32which I suppose
00:26:33would have been something like,
00:26:34you know,
00:26:34you didn't do anything wrong.
00:26:36You made an observation.
00:26:38I shouldn't have shouted.
00:26:39I'm sorry.
00:26:40Do you need therapy?
00:26:41I love you, man.
00:26:42Like, you know.
00:26:44But it was all happening
00:26:45so quickly
00:26:45that I didn't know
00:26:47what to say.
00:26:47So the fucking best
00:26:49I could come up with,
00:26:50I went,
00:26:51no, just,
00:26:52shh.
00:26:59Now he's totally confused.
00:27:02He goes,
00:27:03you have a big penis.
00:27:08I have a small one.
00:27:10I go,
00:27:13well, don't fucking tell anybody.
00:27:16He goes,
00:27:16did grandpa have a big penis?
00:27:19I go,
00:27:19I don't remember.
00:27:20I haven't seen it
00:27:20in a long time.
00:27:23Let's go ask grandma.
00:27:27And we did.
00:27:29He didn't.
00:27:30For the record,
00:27:46neither do I.
00:27:47I want to make that perfectly clear
00:27:50to everybody here.
00:27:52I do not have a big penis.
00:27:56But next to a six-year-old,
00:27:59I got a fucking sledgehammer on me.
00:28:04Pretty proud of it.
00:28:05You almost broke the fucking stage, dude.
00:28:19The truth is this,
00:28:21I'm just,
00:28:22I'm happy
00:28:23to be doing stand-up again
00:28:25and actually standing
00:28:26because not long ago
00:28:28I had a sports-related injury.
00:28:30I don't know
00:28:30if you know this or not.
00:28:36Well,
00:28:37if you don't know,
00:28:39I will try to say this
00:28:40with a straight face.
00:28:42Uh,
00:28:42I,
00:28:43Tom,
00:28:44the guy you see standing up here,
00:28:46I was severely injured
00:28:49whilst participating
00:28:51in a slam dunk contest
00:28:54on a slightly lowered rim.
00:29:05Now,
00:29:05it was wild.
00:29:07If you don't know,
00:29:08I tore my patellar tendon
00:29:10right there
00:29:12which,
00:29:12you know,
00:29:13whatever.
00:29:15Happened to Clay Thompson,
00:29:17happened to me,
00:29:18it happens to us.
00:29:19But,
00:29:20I'm not Clay Thompson,
00:29:23so I also broke this arm.
00:29:25And,
00:29:25it's all captured on video
00:29:28that I find very not funny,
00:29:30but a lot of people enjoy it.
00:29:33I have to tell people all the time,
00:29:35like,
00:29:35yeah,
00:29:35I didn't laugh a lot that night.
00:29:36And they're like,
00:29:37really?
00:29:37Yeah.
00:29:38There is one exchange
00:29:40that I do like to share,
00:29:41and it is this.
00:29:42Immediately after I was hurt,
00:29:44I was in the emergency room
00:29:46and I was badly hurt.
00:29:47I had a shattered arm,
00:29:48a leg that didn't function,
00:29:50and they were prepping me
00:29:51for the operating room.
00:29:52And at that time,
00:29:54a trauma surgeon
00:29:55came into that room
00:29:57and he looked at my x-rays
00:29:59and he goes,
00:30:00car accident?
00:30:04And I got to lay there
00:30:05and go,
00:30:06dunk contest.
00:30:15He goes,
00:30:16what was that?
00:30:16What did you just say?
00:30:18And I go,
00:30:19slam,
00:30:20motherfucking,
00:30:21dunk contest.
00:30:22He goes,
00:30:24did a car hit you
00:30:25while you were dunking?
00:30:28I said,
00:30:29why don't you do
00:30:29your fucking job,
00:30:30all right?
00:30:32Some people don't know this.
00:30:33I was in the hospital
00:30:34for three weeks.
00:30:36That's a long time.
00:30:38And I don't think
00:30:38I would have made it through it
00:30:39if it weren't for my dear,
00:30:41dear friend,
00:30:43Dilaudid.
00:30:43Um,
00:30:44yeah.
00:30:47I did not realize
00:30:49that I have been
00:30:50fucking
00:30:50around
00:30:52with weed
00:30:54all these years
00:30:54when narcotics
00:30:58is where
00:30:59it's at,
00:31:00all right?
00:31:02That shit
00:31:03is electric.
00:31:05And
00:31:05if anybody ever
00:31:07offers you an oxy,
00:31:08say,
00:31:09hit me two times
00:31:09because
00:31:10they're amazing
00:31:12and nothing bad
00:31:13will happen to you.
00:31:16Nah,
00:31:16your life will fall apart,
00:31:17but it'll feel good
00:31:18while it's happening.
00:31:20The only downside,
00:31:22really,
00:31:22is that you'll
00:31:23never shit
00:31:24again.
00:31:26Uh,
00:31:26I took my first shit
00:31:29eight days
00:31:30after I started
00:31:31eating those.
00:31:32I was scared.
00:31:33I called in the doctor.
00:31:34I was like,
00:31:35hey, man,
00:31:35I have an arm
00:31:36that doesn't work,
00:31:37a leg that doesn't work.
00:31:38How do I lean?
00:31:39How do I wipe myself?
00:31:40He goes,
00:31:41don't worry about it.
00:31:43One of the nurses
00:31:44will do it.
00:31:44And I was like,
00:31:45okay.
00:31:47And then a fucking
00:31:48male nurse
00:31:49came in the room.
00:31:53They're allowed
00:31:53to have the job, too.
00:31:55And
00:31:55this dude
00:32:00stood at the door
00:32:02and threw
00:32:03a pack of wipes.
00:32:08I go,
00:32:09what's that?
00:32:10He said,
00:32:11the doctor said
00:32:11you need to
00:32:12clean yourself.
00:32:13And I went,
00:32:14you're going to do it.
00:32:22And I saw
00:32:22a grown
00:32:23professional nurse
00:32:25just go,
00:32:25oh, fuck.
00:32:26Like,
00:32:26he quit.
00:32:28I saw him quit his job.
00:32:29Isn't that crazy?
00:32:30Now,
00:32:31five days later,
00:32:33I had my second movement
00:32:34and they sent in an old lady nurse,
00:32:37which is fine.
00:32:38Did she talk the whole time?
00:32:40Do you know how terrible,
00:32:41you're all vulnerable?
00:32:42I was like,
00:32:42huh?
00:32:44And she's back there.
00:32:45She's like,
00:32:46how are we going to clean up
00:32:47all this stool?
00:32:48I'm like,
00:32:48I don't know.
00:32:50Shut up.
00:32:54And she goes,
00:32:55my,
00:32:56my,
00:32:56my.
00:32:58You have so much hair
00:32:59back here.
00:33:00And I'm like,
00:33:02yeah,
00:33:03I do it for my dad.
00:33:04I like to picture him
00:33:16up in heaven
00:33:17looking down,
00:33:18you know?
00:33:18Look at that hair
00:33:19on my son.
00:33:19Isn't that nice?
00:33:22God's with him.
00:33:23That is nice.
00:33:25I picture my dad naked,
00:33:27you know?
00:33:28I picture everybody
00:33:32in heaven naked.
00:33:34I don't think you're
00:33:34in heaven like,
00:33:35what shirt should I wear today?
00:33:37I think people are naked.
00:33:38I think God's naked.
00:33:40I think after a while
00:33:40it makes sense
00:33:41that my father would notice
00:33:43that God has a fucking
00:33:45piece on him,
00:33:46you know?
00:33:47It's God.
00:33:48I think it's enormous
00:33:49and glorious.
00:33:50I think it's blue.
00:33:51And I think
00:33:52it has a golden hue
00:33:55around it.
00:33:56I think after a while
00:33:57my dad would go,
00:33:58you know,
00:33:59can I touch that?
00:34:02And God's like,
00:34:03of course.
00:34:05You are one of my children.
00:34:15And he goes,
00:34:16thanks,
00:34:16that was neat.
00:34:19And then God says,
00:34:20do you want to see it snow?
00:34:21Oh,
00:34:22that's what snow is.
00:34:25You didn't know that?
00:34:28Snowing.
00:34:29Good.
00:34:30I hope I ruined snow for you.
00:34:31Now,
00:34:32it took me
00:34:36six months
00:34:37of pretty intense rehab.
00:34:39PT and OT.
00:34:41Shout out to all the
00:34:42PTs and OTs
00:34:43in the world out there
00:34:44working with people.
00:34:45fantastic.
00:34:47Well,
00:34:47they worked with me
00:34:48so that I could move
00:34:49around again
00:34:50normally and naturally.
00:34:52And then this always
00:34:52gets me,
00:34:53you guys,
00:34:53seven months
00:34:54to the day.
00:34:55To the day
00:34:57after I was injured.
00:34:59I was at home.
00:35:00I was asleep.
00:35:01It was
00:35:02two o'clock
00:35:03in the morning
00:35:03and I heard
00:35:04my wife scream
00:35:06but like
00:35:06a real scream.
00:35:08You know,
00:35:08like,
00:35:09ah!
00:35:11So I took a pillow,
00:35:12I turned,
00:35:14and I covered this ear.
00:35:15Right?
00:35:17I'm trying
00:35:18to sleep.
00:35:21And then she starts
00:35:22calling me out
00:35:23by name.
00:35:24She's like,
00:35:24Tom.
00:35:27Tom.
00:35:29And I go,
00:35:30God,
00:35:31damn it.
00:35:34This sounds real.
00:35:37So I got up,
00:35:39I made myself
00:35:40something to eat.
00:35:46Poured a drink
00:35:47and I was like,
00:35:49all right.
00:35:51Let's go find her.
00:35:54Now it's 2 a.m.
00:35:55I can't see anything.
00:35:56I'm just following
00:35:57her cries for help
00:35:58and I finally
00:36:00find her
00:36:01sitting
00:36:02at the bottom
00:36:03of the stairs.
00:36:03and I go,
00:36:04what are you doing?
00:36:06And she goes,
00:36:06I think
00:36:07I sprained
00:36:08my ankle.
00:36:11I turn the light on
00:36:12and I see
00:36:13that the bone
00:36:15that should be
00:36:16like this
00:36:17is like that.
00:36:21And I go,
00:36:22that
00:36:22is not a sprain.
00:36:27I'm sure of it.
00:36:29And she goes,
00:36:30what should I do?
00:36:31What should I do?
00:36:32I said,
00:36:33you should do nothing.
00:36:36I will call 911.
00:36:39I have to confess,
00:36:40I was very,
00:36:42very excited
00:36:43to call 911.
00:36:48Have you ever been
00:36:48excited to call
00:36:49where you're like,
00:36:50finally,
00:36:50a good one.
00:36:51You know,
00:36:52like,
00:36:52this is why
00:36:54we play the game.
00:36:55I call
00:36:55the operator
00:36:58goes 911
00:36:59and I'm
00:36:59so amped up
00:37:01I go,
00:37:02get fucking
00:37:03ready.
00:37:09He's like,
00:37:10okay.
00:37:13He goes,
00:37:13you need police,
00:37:14fire,
00:37:15or paramedic?
00:37:16Paramedic.
00:37:16I go,
00:37:17paramedic!
00:37:18But send them all.
00:37:19He was like,
00:37:20what happened?
00:37:22And I was like,
00:37:22ooh.
00:37:24And I realize
00:37:26that while
00:37:27what I'm about
00:37:28to say
00:37:28is true,
00:37:30it sounds
00:37:31suspicious.
00:37:36But I gotta say it.
00:37:38So I'm like,
00:37:39my wife fell
00:37:40down the stairs.
00:37:41And the operator
00:37:52goes,
00:37:52uh-huh.
00:37:55He goes,
00:37:56how'd that happen?
00:37:57And I was like,
00:37:57I don't fucking know.
00:38:01He goes,
00:38:01was she alone?
00:38:03I'm like,
00:38:03do I need to talk
00:38:04to a lawyer?
00:38:07Four paramedics
00:38:09show up.
00:38:10I open the door,
00:38:11and they go,
00:38:11what happened?
00:38:12I go,
00:38:12you know the deal.
00:38:15My wife fell
00:38:16down the stairs.
00:38:18And they go,
00:38:19how'd it happen?
00:38:19I go,
00:38:20I do not know.
00:38:23They're like,
00:38:24was she alone?
00:38:25I go,
00:38:25talk to my lawyer.
00:38:26He's on the phone
00:38:27right now inside.
00:38:30Then they start
00:38:31tending to her.
00:38:32Like they put her
00:38:32leg in a brace.
00:38:34You know,
00:38:34they start giving
00:38:35her an IV.
00:38:36I lean over to her
00:38:37and I have a private
00:38:38conversation,
00:38:39as you sometimes do.
00:38:41I go,
00:38:41hey,
00:38:42I want to tell you
00:38:42something.
00:38:44I don't like the way
00:38:44I'm being spoken to here.
00:38:50I feel like
00:38:50everybody's implying
00:38:52I had something
00:38:52to do with this
00:38:53and I don't like it.
00:38:58And then I walked away.
00:39:00And a few moments later,
00:39:02she decided
00:39:02to make
00:39:03an announcement.
00:39:04unprompted.
00:39:08She goes,
00:39:09guys?
00:39:11And they all turn.
00:39:13And she goes,
00:39:14he would never hurt me.
00:39:16And I'm like,
00:39:17what are you doing?
00:39:25She goes,
00:39:26we've been together
00:39:26a long time.
00:39:28And if you think
00:39:29he did this,
00:39:30he didn't.
00:39:31I go,
00:39:32shut the fuck up.
00:39:35Or I will kill you.
00:39:41Then we get to the hospital
00:39:43and the doctor's like,
00:39:44what happened?
00:39:45I go,
00:39:45I punched her in the mouth
00:39:46and she fell down the stairs.
00:39:48And he goes,
00:39:49I get it, man.
00:39:50I get it.
00:39:50I get it.
00:39:50She's super chatty.
00:39:54I go,
00:39:54I know.
00:39:56You should see her at home.
00:39:59No,
00:39:59she's doing better now.
00:40:00She learns.
00:40:00She gets it,
00:40:01you know.
00:40:05Sandwich at six.
00:40:06All right,
00:40:06so.
00:40:11She came to a show
00:40:12and she saw me
00:40:13tell that story
00:40:14and she was like,
00:40:15can you imagine
00:40:15if you had hit me?
00:40:17And I was like,
00:40:18uh,
00:40:19yeah.
00:40:20Don't feel bad for her,
00:40:25okay?
00:40:26I'm serious.
00:40:27I just did her
00:40:28a huge solid.
00:40:29She asked me to do this
00:40:30and I did it.
00:40:31She asked me to get
00:40:32a vasectomy
00:40:32and I did it.
00:40:33So I got snipped,
00:40:35yeah.
00:40:37See?
00:40:39The women always cheer
00:40:41and there's always
00:40:41one guy that boos.
00:40:44Like he wanted
00:40:45my full load
00:40:46all up inside of him.
00:40:50Listen,
00:40:53if you're a guy
00:40:54and you're thinking
00:40:55about doing it,
00:40:56do it.
00:40:56It's a routine procedure.
00:40:58You will be nervous
00:40:59the morning of.
00:41:00It's your balls.
00:41:02When you lay on a table,
00:41:04it's very cold.
00:41:05It's like 400 below zero
00:41:06and
00:41:06they pull up your dress
00:41:09very dramatically.
00:41:10They're like,
00:41:11what's going on
00:41:12down here?
00:41:14And your dick
00:41:15just stares at you
00:41:16like,
00:41:16how could you?
00:41:17You know?
00:41:20But it's over
00:41:21in 15 minutes
00:41:22which I think
00:41:23is remarkable.
00:41:24And then you go back
00:41:25a week later
00:41:26for the follow-up
00:41:27and the follow-up
00:41:28is just a urologist
00:41:29checking you out.
00:41:30He goes,
00:41:30all right,
00:41:31drop your shorts,
00:41:32you know?
00:41:32And he's like,
00:41:32all right.
00:41:33Hmm.
00:41:34Hmm.
00:41:35Hmm.
00:41:35Hmm.
00:41:36He goes,
00:41:42yeah,
00:41:42it tastes the same.
00:41:43You know?
00:41:50And he says,
00:41:51he goes,
00:41:51I'm going to give you
00:41:52your homework.
00:41:53Those are his words.
00:41:54I'm going to give you
00:41:54your homework.
00:41:55I go,
00:41:55what's my homework?
00:41:56He goes,
00:41:56go home,
00:41:57ejaculate 20 times,
00:42:00bring in your 21st sample
00:42:02in this cup
00:42:03and we'll test it
00:42:04and let you know
00:42:04if you're clear.
00:42:05And I was like,
00:42:06that ain't shit,
00:42:07you know?
00:42:12I do my homework
00:42:13all the time,
00:42:14baby,
00:42:14so.
00:42:17He goes to leave
00:42:19but he stops
00:42:20at the door
00:42:20and he goes,
00:42:21oh,
00:42:22I almost forgot
00:42:22to tell you.
00:42:23Take your time.
00:42:25And I said,
00:42:26I was gonna.
00:42:28And then he says,
00:42:29sometimes I forget
00:42:31to tell people,
00:42:33which tells me
00:42:34that some people
00:42:36have returned
00:42:37rather quickly
00:42:38with their assignment.
00:42:40So I immediately
00:42:41ask him,
00:42:42I go,
00:42:42hey,
00:42:42what's the fastest
00:42:43anyone's done
00:42:4320 ejaculations?
00:42:46He goes,
00:42:4748 hours.
00:42:48And I was like,
00:42:50well,
00:42:50that motherfucker
00:42:51can keep that record.
00:42:52I don't want anything
00:42:53to do with that.
00:42:56That's the champ champ
00:42:57right there.
00:42:57I went home
00:43:00and took another
00:43:01week off.
00:43:02I was black and blue.
00:43:04I was sore.
00:43:05I was like,
00:43:05all right,
00:43:05you know,
00:43:05but after the week
00:43:06I was like,
00:43:06it's time to get going.
00:43:08I started slowly,
00:43:09you know?
00:43:09I was like,
00:43:11wake up.
00:43:16Didn't feel the same.
00:43:18It was strange,
00:43:19different,
00:43:20you know?
00:43:20I could feel
00:43:21the system turning on.
00:43:23You know what
00:43:23it reminded me of?
00:43:24You know when you
00:43:25run the heat
00:43:26for the first time
00:43:27in the winter
00:43:28and you're like,
00:43:30this smells weird, man.
00:43:31I could feel it
00:43:37building up
00:43:37and I could not
00:43:40get this one
00:43:41intrusive thought
00:43:43out of my head
00:43:45which was,
00:43:46it's just going to be
00:43:47blood that comes out.
00:43:48I didn't want
00:43:51it to be.
00:43:53I just kept
00:43:54thinking it.
00:43:54So now I'm jerking
00:43:55off all scared.
00:43:56I was like,
00:43:57it's going to be blood.
00:44:06But I pushed through.
00:44:08I kept going
00:44:08and when it finally
00:44:12did go,
00:44:12it wasn't blood.
00:44:14And in relief,
00:44:15I laughed.
00:44:16So my first
00:44:18jack back
00:44:20was me going,
00:44:21yeah.
00:44:24Yeah.
00:44:25Yeah.
00:44:26Come on.
00:44:33Instagram took it down
00:44:34but it's on my OnlyFans
00:44:35if you want to see it.
00:44:37It's six bucks a month.
00:44:39Now,
00:44:39the only thing
00:44:41I could deal with
00:44:42that specific type
00:44:44of pain
00:44:44when I had the vasectomy
00:44:45was eating edibles.
00:44:47You know,
00:44:47I had to eat edibles
00:44:48every day
00:44:49for that achy,
00:44:50weird pain.
00:44:51Yeah.
00:44:51I always feel like
00:44:52I have to confess
00:44:53to people immediately
00:44:54when I tell them
00:44:55that I like edibles
00:44:57and that is because
00:44:58I am a lightweight
00:44:59and I like
00:45:00mild edibles.
00:45:02Some people
00:45:02want to eat edibles,
00:45:04you know,
00:45:04yeah.
00:45:05Some people want to
00:45:06peek into the third dimension
00:45:08casually every day.
00:45:10It's not me.
00:45:11All right?
00:45:12I like five
00:45:13and ten milligrams
00:45:15and people,
00:45:16sure,
00:45:18people mock me
00:45:19and they call me
00:45:20ten milligram Tom
00:45:22in this bullshit.
00:45:24Yell it to me
00:45:25on the street.
00:45:26They're like,
00:45:26are you eating
00:45:27your baby edibles?
00:45:29And I go,
00:45:30yes,
00:45:30because I like
00:45:31to be able to speak.
00:45:32Is that crazy to you?
00:45:34You don't know people
00:45:35that like
00:45:36a couple beers?
00:45:37is it always,
00:45:39I like to drink
00:45:4036.
00:45:42Okay.
00:45:43Good for you, Bert.
00:45:44Have a great night.
00:45:45So.
00:45:58I'm the mechanic
00:46:04or whatever.
00:46:09Yeah.
00:46:15Okay.
00:46:20Well,
00:46:21we forgot how
00:46:21the story goes.
00:46:22Tell it again.
00:46:23Now.
00:46:28That's my bestie.
00:46:31Speaking of friends,
00:46:32you never,
00:46:33I want to make this clear.
00:46:34If you drink,
00:46:35if you smoke,
00:46:36if you inject things
00:46:37into your eyeballs,
00:46:38you never
00:46:39have to worry
00:46:41about strangers.
00:46:42Never push the myth
00:46:43that a stranger
00:46:44might be culpable
00:46:46in getting you fucked up.
00:46:47People say it
00:46:48and they're like,
00:46:48what if a stranger
00:46:49spikes my drink?
00:46:50What if a stranger
00:46:51hands me a joint
00:46:52and it's laced?
00:46:53Guess what?
00:46:54It'll never be a stranger.
00:46:55It'll be one of your friends.
00:46:56Okay?
00:46:57Your friends
00:46:58will fuck you
00:46:59the hardest.
00:47:00I know this
00:47:02firsthand.
00:47:03I have a bunch
00:47:04of really cool friends.
00:47:06I found out
00:47:07on this tour
00:47:08that one of my friends
00:47:09was in the same city
00:47:10as I was in
00:47:11on the same night.
00:47:12Very rare
00:47:13in this line of work.
00:47:14I was in Miami.
00:47:15I find this out.
00:47:16I cancel our dinner plans.
00:47:18I drive across town.
00:47:19I walk into this club
00:47:21and I see my good friend.
00:47:23Some of you know him.
00:47:24He's a comedian
00:47:24and a podcaster.
00:47:26His name
00:47:26is Joey Diaz.
00:47:28If you're here
00:47:38and you don't know
00:47:39who that is,
00:47:40please allow me
00:47:41to describe him to you.
00:47:43Joey is a very funny man.
00:47:46He's a comedian.
00:47:47He's 60 years old.
00:47:49He's a Cuban immigrant.
00:47:51He weighs 295.
00:47:53He sort of looks like
00:47:56if somebody was
00:47:57making a person
00:47:58and then they left him
00:47:59under a heat lamp
00:48:00for like 15 minutes.
00:48:07As a side note,
00:48:08I feel like I should
00:48:09point out he was
00:48:10addicted to cocaine
00:48:11and heroin
00:48:11for 20 years.
00:48:14I think that's relevant
00:48:15to the story.
00:48:16Now,
00:48:19Joey's very affectionate.
00:48:20So I get to this place
00:48:21and he gives me
00:48:22a great big hug
00:48:23and the first thing
00:48:24he says to me,
00:48:25he goes,
00:48:25I got you something.
00:48:27I go,
00:48:28you got me something.
00:48:29What did you get me?
00:48:30He goes,
00:48:30I know you like your 10s,
00:48:32your 10-milli Tom.
00:48:35I got you some 10s.
00:48:36And I go,
00:48:37no, you didn't.
00:48:41He goes,
00:48:42I did.
00:48:42I go,
00:48:43no, you didn't.
00:48:44He goes,
00:48:45why are you saying that?
00:48:45I go,
00:48:46because you're a liar
00:48:46and you're a bad person.
00:48:47You're lying right now.
00:48:50He goes,
00:48:51no, I'm not.
00:48:52I go,
00:48:52sure you are.
00:48:53And he has a jar
00:48:54and he pours
00:48:56five gel caps
00:48:58into his hand.
00:48:59He goes,
00:49:00these are 10s.
00:49:01And I go,
00:49:02bullshit.
00:49:04And then he goes,
00:49:05oh.
00:49:07Eats all five
00:49:09like they're Skittles.
00:49:10So then I go,
00:49:13huh,
00:49:14maybe they are 10s.
00:49:21I said,
00:49:22I would like one.
00:49:23I put it on my tongue.
00:49:25I take a sip of water.
00:49:26As it goes down,
00:49:28I look at him.
00:49:29He goes,
00:49:29oh.
00:49:37I go,
00:49:37how much did I just take?
00:49:39And he goes,
00:49:3910.
00:49:40And he just walks
00:49:41out of the room.
00:49:43Now I'm watching him perform.
00:49:45You know,
00:49:4530 minutes in,
00:49:46I have a buzz.
00:49:48When the show's over,
00:49:50I am out
00:49:51of my goddamn mind.
00:49:57I am vibrating
00:49:58like a tuning fork,
00:49:59all right?
00:50:00I'm like,
00:50:01wow,
00:50:01wow,
00:50:02wow,
00:50:02wow.
00:50:05I can't open my eyes.
00:50:06I'm like,
00:50:07I have to put my hand
00:50:14on a man's shoulder
00:50:15to guide me
00:50:17across a room.
00:50:18I'm like.
00:50:24I go,
00:50:25Joey,
00:50:25we gotta get the fuck
00:50:26out of here.
00:50:28And we do.
00:50:29Do you know where we go?
00:50:29To the airport.
00:50:30Yay!
00:50:30Let's have a panic attack
00:50:34and a tube in the sky.
00:50:36I'm walking through
00:50:37Miami International Airport
00:50:39freaking people
00:50:41the fuck out,
00:50:42all right?
00:50:42You know why?
00:50:43I forget how to walk.
00:50:44I forget how to walk.
00:50:46I can't figure out
00:50:48the fucking body scanner thing.
00:50:50I'm like,
00:50:50heh heh heh.
00:50:56Can you hear
00:50:57my heartbeat too?
00:50:58Ha ha!
00:51:05I'm sweating,
00:51:06but I'm cold,
00:51:07you know?
00:51:08Asking everyone
00:51:09for blankets.
00:51:10I'm like,
00:51:10yo, blanket!
00:51:12I want a blanket!
00:51:14And they're like,
00:51:15you're on the toilet, man.
00:51:15Get the fuck out of here,
00:51:16okay?
00:51:17Okay.
00:51:20I pass out
00:51:22in a meditative state
00:51:24on this flight.
00:51:25I do it,
00:51:26and then I just
00:51:26wake up scared.
00:51:27You ever wake up
00:51:27just terrified?
00:51:29Like, I sit up
00:51:30and I'm like,
00:51:30ha ha!
00:51:32Why am I a bad person?
00:51:35And I do something
00:51:36I've never done.
00:51:37A flight attendant
00:51:38passes down the aisle,
00:51:40and as she passes,
00:51:41I grab her arm
00:51:42hard.
00:51:44Like, I'm gonna put it
00:51:45on my dick.
00:51:46Like, I grab it.
00:51:47Ha ha ha!
00:51:48Ha ha ha!
00:51:48And she's stunned,
00:51:51so she goes,
00:51:52ha ha!
00:51:54And I'm so fucked up,
00:51:55I go, wait,
00:51:56how come?
00:51:57Do you know?
00:52:00Ha ha ha!
00:52:00Why are we alive?
00:52:05And she's like,
00:52:06what?
00:52:07What?
00:52:08Now, luckily,
00:52:09I have a decent friend
00:52:10with me, Sean,
00:52:11and he interjects,
00:52:12and he goes,
00:52:13oh, he took an Ambien.
00:52:14And she's like,
00:52:14okay.
00:52:14And she just keeps
00:52:15going down the aisle.
00:52:16Now he's worried
00:52:21about me,
00:52:21so he wakes Joey up.
00:52:23He goes,
00:52:23Joey!
00:52:23And Joey's like,
00:52:24what?
00:52:25He goes,
00:52:26what did you give Tom?
00:52:27He goes,
00:52:28I gave him 200 milligrams.
00:52:29Oh!
00:52:29Oh!
00:52:31Dipped in hash oil.
00:52:34Oh!
00:52:35Oh!
00:52:35And I go,
00:52:37why did you do that to me?
00:52:39Oh!
00:52:39Oh!
00:52:39Oh!
00:52:39Oh!
00:52:40Oh!
00:52:40Oh!
00:52:41Oh!
00:52:41He goes,
00:52:42you're going to see
00:52:43the devil now,
00:52:43bitch.
00:52:56I go,
00:52:57I think I'm fucking
00:52:58looking at him.
00:53:00And let's rewind,
00:53:01by the way,
00:53:01he took five.
00:53:03He's on a thousand milligram.
00:53:05He's like,
00:53:06oh,
00:53:06what are you doing tomorrow?
00:53:08I'm going to the hospital tomorrow.
00:53:09What are you doing tomorrow?
00:53:10I'm a psycho.
00:53:14Well,
00:53:15listen to me.
00:53:15If you have never been
00:53:16surprise mega-dosed,
00:53:19it is horrific.
00:53:22It is a harrowing,
00:53:24panic-induced terror ride.
00:53:26And so,
00:53:27a few weeks ago,
00:53:28I did it to my mother.
00:53:29Uh.
00:53:33I did.
00:53:35I was visiting her.
00:53:37She's alone.
00:53:38She knows I ate them at night.
00:53:39I've told her for a while
00:53:40they help me sleep,
00:53:41which they do.
00:53:42And she calls them gummies.
00:53:44So,
00:53:44she comes up to me
00:53:45and she's like,
00:53:46are you going to have
00:53:47a gummy tonight?
00:53:50And I go,
00:53:51yes.
00:53:52She goes,
00:53:52may I have one?
00:53:54And I was like,
00:53:55yeah.
00:53:58I give her one
00:54:00because I take one.
00:54:01And one gets me high,
00:54:03so I'm like,
00:54:04this is going to
00:54:04peel back her wig,
00:54:06you know?
00:54:06I sit around with her
00:54:10for a couple hours
00:54:11and then I ask her,
00:54:12I go,
00:54:12how do you feel?
00:54:13She goes,
00:54:13I feel nothing.
00:54:17I'm like,
00:54:18really?
00:54:18She goes,
00:54:19yes.
00:54:20I go,
00:54:21all right,
00:54:21well,
00:54:22I don't know.
00:54:22Go to bed,
00:54:23you fucking savage.
00:54:23I don't know
00:54:24what to tell you.
00:54:26The next day,
00:54:28it's evening
00:54:28and she comes up
00:54:29to me again.
00:54:30May I have
00:54:31another gummy tonight?
00:54:34I go,
00:54:35you had one yesterday
00:54:35and you didn't feel anything.
00:54:37She goes,
00:54:37maybe I should take two.
00:54:41Maybe you should.
00:54:43I give her two,
00:54:45we hang out
00:54:45and again,
00:54:47I ask her,
00:54:48how do you feel?
00:54:49She goes,
00:54:50I feel nothing.
00:54:53I'm like,
00:54:54really?
00:54:55She goes,
00:54:55should I take two more?
00:54:58I said,
00:54:59hey, Pablo,
00:54:59you might want to keep it
00:55:00in first for a minute.
00:55:03She goes,
00:55:04you don't think so?
00:55:06I go,
00:55:06actually,
00:55:06I do think so.
00:55:07Here you go.
00:55:07Here's two more.
00:55:09I give it to her.
00:55:10She eats them
00:55:11and then she says,
00:55:12I'm going to bed.
00:55:14I go,
00:55:14all right.
00:55:15She goes to her room,
00:55:16I go to the guest room.
00:55:17A few minutes later,
00:55:19I receive
00:55:21a series of text messages
00:55:23that I have since
00:55:26memorized.
00:55:29The first one says,
00:55:32Tommy,
00:55:33I am fizzing.
00:55:36F-I-Z-Z
00:55:38I-N-G.
00:55:42So I write back,
00:55:42sounds cool.
00:55:45Because who the fuck,
00:55:46you know,
00:55:46I'm fizzing right now,
00:55:47man, you know.
00:55:48We out here
00:55:55fizzing the night,
00:55:56baby.
00:55:56I don't know
00:55:56what that is.
00:55:58She writes back,
00:56:00my heart rate
00:56:00is 125.
00:56:04Oh,
00:56:04I am spinning.
00:56:07So I write,
00:56:08LOL.
00:56:08I think she's having fun.
00:56:12And then she writes,
00:56:13please come now.
00:56:14I don't feel well.
00:56:15I go into her room
00:56:18and my mother
00:56:19is seated upright.
00:56:22That is an alarming look
00:56:24for an elderly woman.
00:56:27Most of them lay down
00:56:28or lean.
00:56:29She's just in bed like.
00:56:32I go,
00:56:33are you okay?
00:56:34And she goes,
00:56:34no.
00:56:37So I take her out
00:56:38to the patio.
00:56:38I'm thinking fresh air,
00:56:40you know.
00:56:40It's clear immediately
00:56:42that we are in
00:56:44for a ride.
00:56:47The first thing she does,
00:56:49she goes,
00:56:49my lips,
00:56:54they are stuck together.
00:56:58I go,
00:57:08I'll get you some water.
00:57:10And she goes,
00:57:11why am I hungry?
00:57:14I say,
00:57:15because it's working.
00:57:17And she goes,
00:57:18the dog was here,
00:57:19the dog is gone?
00:57:21And I go,
00:57:22oh my God.
00:57:22I start to laugh
00:57:25so
00:57:27destructively hard.
00:57:30It is not
00:57:32ha ha ha.
00:57:33It is a deep,
00:57:35primal,
00:57:36I'm watching my
00:57:3777 year old mother
00:57:39get high.
00:57:40I'm not laughing.
00:57:41My nervous system
00:57:42is shutting down.
00:57:43All right?
00:57:46I mean,
00:57:46I'm watching her
00:57:47look at sounds.
00:57:48You know,
00:57:48she's like.
00:57:49It hurts.
00:57:55It hurts how hard
00:57:56am I,
00:57:57a soft,
00:57:57I'm like.
00:57:59As I'm laughing,
00:58:03I look at her
00:58:04and at one moment,
00:58:05her face contorts.
00:58:07Her face goes.
00:58:13And she looks at me
00:58:14and she goes,
00:58:15tomorrow,
00:58:16your laughter
00:58:17will be tears
00:58:19on my corpse.
00:58:20And I'm like,
00:58:21what?
00:58:25She goes,
00:58:26it's the perfect murder.
00:58:30Nobody will know
00:58:31it was June.
00:58:33My lungs invert
00:58:34at this point
00:58:35and I have tears
00:58:37streaming
00:58:38down my face.
00:58:40She's so high,
00:58:41she thinks
00:58:42my laughter
00:58:43is confirming
00:58:44her thoughts.
00:58:45she starts
00:58:47to legit
00:58:48plead
00:58:49for her life.
00:58:51She goes,
00:58:52Tommy,
00:58:52please,
00:58:53please,
00:58:55don't kill me.
00:58:58I am your mother.
00:59:01I fucking pass out
00:59:02in a chair.
00:59:03I'm like,
00:59:04ugh.
00:59:04Ugh.
00:59:04I wake up,
00:59:19I don't even know
00:59:19where the fuck I am.
00:59:21It's morning.
00:59:23I walk into the kitchen
00:59:24at the same time
00:59:25as her.
00:59:26I go,
00:59:26hey, mom.
00:59:27And she doesn't say
00:59:28anything.
00:59:28I'm like,
00:59:29oh, shit.
00:59:30She just walks over
00:59:31to the coffee maker
00:59:32and she goes,
00:59:33I know you tried
00:59:36to kill me last night.
00:59:43It was very clever.
00:59:48But I am still here,
00:59:49Tommy.
00:59:52I go,
00:59:53I didn't try
00:59:53to kill you.
00:59:54She goes,
00:59:54oh, jeez,
00:59:55June did.
00:59:57So I leave
00:59:58for the day.
00:59:59I come back later.
01:00:00I go,
01:00:01look,
01:00:01I owe you an apology.
01:00:02I should not have
01:00:03let you eat that much.
01:00:04I'm sorry.
01:00:04And she goes,
01:00:05it's okay.
01:00:05I forgive you.
01:00:06I'm like,
01:00:07really?
01:00:08That makes me feel better.
01:00:09She goes,
01:00:09I just want to tell you
01:00:10one thing.
01:00:11And I go,
01:00:12what?
01:00:12She goes,
01:00:13I want another gummy
01:00:14tonight.
01:00:15And I go,
01:00:16what?
01:00:17She eats them
01:00:18every day now.
01:00:19She's doing coke.
01:00:20She grew her bush out.
01:00:22She's fucking the neighbors.
01:00:23She's living her best life.
01:00:25If you ever meet her,
01:00:27give her drugs.
01:00:28Thank you guys very much
01:00:29for coming out.
01:00:29Have a great night.
01:00:30Have a great night.
01:00:39Go deep,
01:00:40you did well.
01:00:41You'll never have
01:00:41the skills like mine.
01:00:42I like the airtight wives.
01:00:44Now I'm reaching my prime.
01:00:45360 dunk in your face.
01:00:47You can't compete.
01:00:48You're just a basket case.
01:00:50Let's separate the men
01:00:51from the boys.
01:00:52And put your money
01:00:53in your outfits.
01:00:54No time for toys.
01:00:55Your day was weekly gig,
01:00:56so don't sleep.
01:00:57Cause I'll be checking
01:00:58the wrecking work
01:00:58when I start to creep
01:00:59through the back door.
01:01:01I know I caught you out here.
01:01:02You got no club here.
01:01:04And I doubt there.
01:01:05There's any way
01:01:05that you can stop
01:01:06the beat down.
01:01:07You ought to play
01:01:08the background
01:01:08and sit back down.
01:01:09Chumps like you,
01:01:10I gotta keep them in line.
01:01:12So prepare to suffer, boys.
01:01:13Cause now you're mine.
01:01:15I left a wallet there.
01:01:24I got it.
01:01:26I wanna go ahead.
01:01:28You got it.
01:01:29Sorry.
01:01:29You got it.
01:01:31I'm talking about it already.
01:01:31You got it.
01:01:34Before you start,
01:01:35you're lost.
01:01:37You got it.
01:01:37Let's see you.
01:01:38Let's see you.
01:01:40Let's start with motivation here.
01:01:41Bless you.
01:01:42Bless you.
01:01:43Bye.
01:01:43Tenemos a mistแ musst.
01:01:47You got it.
01:01:52Let's see you.
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