- yesterday
As he closes out his slate of comedy specials, Dave takes the stage to try and set the record straight; and get a few things off his chest.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:01:42I need you guys to know something.
00:01:44And I'm going to tell you the truth, and don't get freaked out.
00:01:46This is going to be my last special for a minute.
00:02:18It's all good.
00:02:19It's all good.
00:02:20Listen.
00:02:21Listen to me.
00:02:22I did it in Detroit for that reason.
00:02:25That's rad.
00:02:28You want to know why?
00:02:32Because I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special.
00:02:36I figured I might as well do the last special here.
00:02:41Sorry about that, by the way.
00:02:46First of all, before I even start, I want to say that I'm rich and famous.
00:02:51And the only reason I say that is because the last 17 months were hell.
00:02:56And I cannot imagine what everybody went through.
00:02:59But I'm happy to see you.
00:03:00And I'm happy you're well.
00:03:01And I hope everyone you love is okay.
00:03:06I don't want you to worry about me.
00:03:12I'm vaccinated.
00:03:14I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
00:03:24I got to admit, that's probably the most niggerish decision I've made in a long time.
00:03:32I walk in the doctor like, give me the third best option.
00:03:36I'll have what the homeless people are having.
00:03:43So far, so good.
00:03:46And I know you probably heard it on the news.
00:03:48I did. I did get coronavirus.
00:03:50And it was something else.
00:03:51Like, okay, first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus,
00:03:54I got to tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel.
00:03:58I felt dirty.
00:04:04I felt gross.
00:04:07Because I had been walking around Texas, just touching doorknobs and shit,
00:04:11with hands on moist.
00:04:14Tipping niggas with cash.
00:04:15Here, take this to your family.
00:04:21I must have killed thousands of people.
00:04:24Just trying to get tonight's show together.
00:04:26So I hope you appreciate it, because a lot of niggas died for me to get this one off.
00:04:36I hadn't felt that dirty in a long time.
00:04:39The last time I can remember feeling dirty like that, man, I must have been a little boy.
00:04:44I was being molested by a preacher.
00:04:48I don't feel bad for me. I liked it.
00:04:53I used to get a kick out of coming in that fellow's face.
00:04:56Well, he asked me to do it.
00:05:01They're making quarantine.
00:05:14I had to quarantine for 10 days at least.
00:05:16I said, you're gonna have to stay in the room.
00:05:17I didn't go nowhere.
00:05:18And it started making me nuts, because I would just sit in the room and watch videos all day.
00:05:23Now, you know what I was watching?
00:05:25And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos, sadly, of black people beating up Asians for no reason.
00:05:35Oh, these attacks were unprovoked. I couldn't believe it.
00:05:37And I was sitting in the room watching this shit. It was stressing me out.
00:05:40I was stressed already, because the whole time when you get coronavirus, at least the first five days, you wait to see how sick you're gonna get.
00:05:48And it turns out, and this is true, I didn't get sick at all.
00:05:55Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing.
00:05:59Look at me.
00:06:01I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.
00:06:10I just sat in the crib and got strong all week.
00:06:15But I was stressed, because I kept watching these videos of my beloved black people beating up my beloved Asian people and being so cruel.
00:06:22And the whole time I watched those videos, this is fucked up, but I couldn't help but feel like when I saw these brothers beating these Asians up.
00:06:29It's probably what's happening inside of my body.
00:06:40I didn't get sick.
00:06:42I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs. I mean, what the fuck has been going on with that shit?
00:06:56These niggas are here. These UFOs keep coming to Earth and it made me think of an idea for a movie.
00:07:01Sounds dumb, but hear me out.
00:07:03In my movie idea, we find out that these aliens are originally from Earth.
00:07:10That they're from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel and left the Earth thousands of years ago.
00:07:17Some other planet they go to and things go terrible for them in the other planet.
00:07:22So they come back to Earth, decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own.
00:07:27It's a pretty good plot line, huh?
00:07:29I call it Space Jews.
00:07:31Space Jews.
00:07:40Space Jews.
00:07:43All right.
00:07:45It's gonna get worse than that. Hang in there.
00:07:50It's gonna get way worse than that.
00:07:51Then I thought of an idea for a children's book.
00:07:57I actually wrote it. It's coming out soon.
00:08:00The book is designed to help parents teach their children about racism, which, if you're a parent you know, is an impossible concept to teach to a child.
00:08:09But I'm doing it. The book is about a big, strong, beautiful black man with a benign, regular ass white name.
00:08:19And he has a white speaking voice.
00:08:24So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant.
00:08:29Oh, he gets the reservation.
00:08:33That name and that voice, who could resist him?
00:08:36Now I should tell you this black man is literally an actual giant.
00:08:41And he's a strong dude.
00:08:44And when he shows up to them restaurants, they see that big, giant black dude.
00:08:48They say, you can't come in here.
00:08:50And they call the police.
00:08:54And in every installment of the book, the police come and they always shoot him.
00:09:04But remember, this guy is a giant. These bullets don't kill him. They don't even hurt him.
00:09:11They just break his heart.
00:09:15It's called Clifford the big black nigger. Anyone?
00:09:34This is my last special because I have an objective tonight.
00:09:36I came here tonight because this body of work that I've done on Netflix, I'm going to complete.
00:09:49All the questions you might have had about all these jokes I've said in the last few years, I hope to answer tonight.
00:09:54And I'd like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community director.
00:10:06And I want every member of that community to know that I come here the night in peace.
00:10:09And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby.
00:10:25Sad, sad, sad story.
00:10:27DaBaby was the number one streaming artist until about a couple weeks ago.
00:10:34He took a nasty spill on stage and said some, uh, said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community, uh, during a concert in Florida.
00:10:45Uh, now, you know, I go hard in the paint, but even I saw that shit and was like, God damn DaBaby.
00:10:54Ooh, he pushed the button, didn't he?
00:10:58He pushed the button.
00:11:00Punched the LBGTQ community right in the Aids.
00:11:03Can't do that.
00:11:07Can't do that.
00:11:11Can't do that.
00:11:15But I do believe, and I'll make this point later, that the kid made a very egregious mistake.
00:11:22I will acknowledge that.
00:11:24But, you know, a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn't know the baby's history.
00:11:29He's a wild guy.
00:11:30He once shot a nigga
00:11:34and killed him
00:11:36in Walmart.
00:11:38Oh, this is true.
00:11:39Google it.
00:11:40DaBaby shot and killed a nigga in Walmart in North Carolina.
00:11:45Nothing bad happened to his career.
00:11:52Do you see where I'm going with this?
00:11:53In our country, you can shoot and kill a nigga, but you better not hurt a gay person's feelings.
00:12:02And this is precisely the disparity that I wish to discuss.
00:12:13I have a question for the audience.
00:12:18And this is a real question.
00:12:21I'm not joking around.
00:12:23Is it possible that a gay person can be racist?
00:12:28Do you really think so?
00:12:36Of course it's possible.
00:12:39Look at Mike Pence.
00:12:40Oh, I'm guessing, but I bet you he's gay.
00:12:52And he's not Pride Parade gay either.
00:12:56He's...
00:12:57He's sad gay.
00:12:58I feel bad for him.
00:13:01He looks like one of them gays that prays about it.
00:13:05Jesus, please take these dirty feelings out of my heart.
00:13:12Please, Jesus, make these buttholes ugly to me.
00:13:18I want to keep on tasting these dicks.
00:13:20You guys are confusing the emotions.
00:13:31You think I hate gay people.
00:13:34And what you're really seeing is that I am jealous of gay people.
00:13:40Oh, I'm jealous.
00:13:42I'm not the only black person that feels this way.
00:13:44We blacks, we look at the gay community, we go, God dammit, look how well that movement is going.
00:13:50Look how well you are doing.
00:13:56And we've been trapped in this predicament for hundreds of years.
00:14:00How the fuck are you making that kind of progress?
00:14:06I can't help but feel like if slaves had baby oil and booty shorts,
00:14:14we might have been free a hundred years sooner.
00:14:16You know what I mean?
00:14:20If Martin Luther King was like, I want everybody to get up on them floats.
00:14:25Get your bodies good and shiny.
00:14:27I don't hate gay people at all. I respect the shit out of you.
00:14:42Well, not all of it.
00:14:45I'm not that fond of these newer gays.
00:14:48Too sensitive.
00:14:50Too brittle.
00:14:52Those aren't the gays I grew up with.
00:14:54I miss them old school gays, nigga.
00:14:56Them stonewall niggas.
00:14:58Them the ones that I respect.
00:14:59They didn't take shit from anybody they fought for their freedom.
00:15:05I respect that shit.
00:15:07I'm not even gay.
00:15:09And I want to be like a stonewall nigga.
00:15:12Them old school gangster gays.
00:15:14Them glory hole niggas.
00:15:15Them the ones I like.
00:15:16These new gays don't even know what the glory hole is.
00:15:24It's a hole in the wall the gay contractors build.
00:15:30You want to know why they put that hole in the wall?
00:15:31I'll tell you.
00:15:32There's no nice way to say it.
00:15:34Because when they want to have some fun, they will put their penises in that hole.
00:15:45And hope for the best.
00:15:48I respect that shit.
00:15:51There's a lot of courage on both sides of that hole, nigga.
00:15:55I'm not even gay.
00:16:01And I want to try that glory hole out.
00:16:12What if Martin Luther King had to integrate the glory hole?
00:16:16I don't care if his black lips back there, white lips back there.
00:16:20A mouth is a mouth.
00:16:23A warm, wet mouth.
00:16:25A warm, wet mouth.
00:16:29I'm going all the way.
00:16:33I got in a fight.
00:16:34I almost got in a fight.
00:16:35It's complicated.
00:16:36I was in a bar in Austin with my wife.
00:16:39And it was during COVID.
00:16:42And a woman came to our table.
00:16:45And she was maskless.
00:16:46And this bitch came over with no mask.
00:16:49All H words.
00:16:50Hi.
00:16:51How are you?
00:16:53Droplets is coming out of this bitch's face.
00:16:56We all covered our drinks.
00:16:57Ugh, bitch, what are you doing?
00:16:58What are you doing?
00:17:09Now I looked over at the table that she came from and I peeped game.
00:17:13The men at the table were filming me.
00:17:14This happens when you're famous.
00:17:16People will come over and try to rattle your cage and get you to say something stupid or dumb so that their buddies can film it and they get a video of you embarrassing yourself.
00:17:25And clearly I said, this is what's happening.
00:17:28And these dumb motherfuckers thought that it was my first rodeo.
00:17:43Sadly it worked.
00:17:44I ran right over there.
00:17:47I said, I pointed right in the camera.
00:17:49I said, you's a bitch ass nigga for doing this to me.
00:17:59And the dude was shocked that I said it.
00:18:00He said, oh.
00:18:02And when he did like this, I seen all his fingernails was painted and I realized like, uh-oh.
00:18:06This fella's gay.
00:18:14Now you know how I talk.
00:18:15I call everybody a bitch ass nigga.
00:18:17You know what I mean?
00:18:19But that's not a right thing to do if they're gay.
00:18:21You know what I mean?
00:18:22And now I was in trouble.
00:18:24And not only that, the motherfucker was huge.
00:18:26He stood up.
00:18:27He was towering over me.
00:18:28He must have been 6'5", a big white corn fed Texas homosexual.
00:18:33This nigga was ready to fight.
00:18:36And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground.
00:18:39I wasn't scared.
00:18:41How could I be scared?
00:18:42This motherfuckers shirt was tied up in a knot like this.
00:18:45Fuck this guy.
00:18:46Let's go, nigga.
00:18:47Let's go.
00:18:52I thought we were going to come to blows.
00:18:53I was ready.
00:18:54I was ready.
00:18:55And then, and then, right when you think we would fight, guess what he did?
00:18:59He picked up his phone and he called the police.
00:19:03And this, this thing I'm describing is a major issue that I have with that community.
00:19:10Gay people are minorities until they need to be white again.
00:19:15I'm being very brutally honest so we can solve this problem.
00:19:25I'm telling you right now, a black gay person would have never done that to me.
00:19:28Because a black gay person knows when the police shows up, they're not going to care who called them.
00:19:33They don't show up like, which one of you niggers is Clifford?
00:19:36We're all Clifford.
00:19:39We're all Clifford.
00:19:45This happens far too often.
00:19:48Another time, about six years ago, there was a lesbian woman that, that tried to sell a story about me to TMZ.
00:19:55Thank goodness TMZ could see right through the sham of that story.
00:19:58This woman claimed that I beat her up in a nightclub because she was a lesbian.
00:20:04That is fucking crazy.
00:20:07Bitch, I didn't even know you was a woman.
00:20:15Thank God TMZ didn't believe that.
00:20:18Because I did beat the shit out of her, I'm not going to lie.
00:20:21It was her fault, I had no choice.
00:20:27I came in the club, minding my own business, and a woman came up to me.
00:20:30She goes, oh my God, Dave Chappelle.
00:20:32And I was just being reciprocally nice.
00:20:34Hey, miss, how are you, blah, blah, blah.
00:20:36Benign talk, nothing to it.
00:20:38And all of a sudden, this lesbian fellow stepped between us.
00:20:43Hey, nigga, that's my girl.
00:20:45I said, yo, yo, my man, back up like that.
00:20:48She said, I ain't backing up off shit, nigga, that's my girl.
00:20:53I said, bro, you're going to have to give me three feet like this.
00:20:58She said, stop calling me a man, motherfucker.
00:21:02I'm a woman.
00:21:03I said, what?
00:21:09And then I looked deep in this nigga's cheekbones.
00:21:15I said, oh my God, you are a woman.
00:21:17It was just too much for me to even wrap my mind around.
00:21:20But I tell you what, I unballed my fist immediately,
00:21:23and I softened my posture so that she would know she's in no danger.
00:21:28I even changed the tone of my voice.
00:21:33I said, softly, sweetly, like a pimp might say.
00:21:41Bitch, I'm about to slap the shit out of you.
00:21:43I should have done it.
00:21:53Oh, I wish I didn't say that.
00:21:56She dropped that foot back.
00:21:57Boo!
00:21:58She was in a perfect southpaw stance.
00:22:00Her shoulders were angled correctly.
00:22:02Her head movement was good.
00:22:03I said, oh no!
00:22:06This bitch boxes for real.
00:22:10She threw a wild hook at me, and I saw it coming from yesterday.
00:22:13So I slipped it like this.
00:22:16I had no choice.
00:22:18I had to go to work.
00:22:19I let that jab go.
00:22:21You should have seen me go, nigga.
00:22:24I tenderized them titties like chicken cutlets.
00:22:33I whooped the toxic masculinity out of that bitch.
00:22:35That's why I don't go out no more.
00:22:51Just trying to chill.
00:22:52Just trying to live a peaceful life.
00:22:54That's why I live in Ohio.
00:22:55You know, I live in a little town in Ohio.
00:22:57It must be like 3,700 people.
00:22:59Small hippie town.
00:23:00Culturally, it might feel like, like Ann Arbor to you.
00:23:06You know what I mean?
00:23:08Bunch of hippies and shit like that.
00:23:11And nicks always ask me, like,
00:23:12Dave, why you live in that hippie town?
00:23:14And I'd be embarrassed to tell them the truth.
00:23:16But you know why I live there?
00:23:18Because Yellow Springs, Ohio,
00:23:20has the most beautiful women in the world.
00:23:23And a lot of people might disagree with me,
00:23:24but you gotta see them for yourself.
00:23:27They're gorgeous.
00:23:28But it all depends on what you're into.
00:23:29You know what I mean?
00:23:31I like white bitches with dirty feet.
00:23:41If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs,
00:23:43I would call that shit strippies.
00:23:45All naked hippies all the time.
00:23:47And I'd only hire girls with long titties
00:23:50and long vagina hair that looks like they slept on it.
00:23:55And I would keep a pile of dirt right next to the stage.
00:24:01I come up like, bitch, get your feet in that dirt
00:24:03and get up there and give those people what they came to see.
00:24:07Chalk up, bitch.
00:24:08A couple years ago, I was in Ohio at a shopping mall.
00:24:26An old white lady, this is true, she was following me around the mall,
00:24:30which sounds paranoid, but I'm sure she was following me.
00:24:33Mean lady, too.
00:24:34You ever see a woman with lines on her face that just tell you, like,
00:24:38even if she smiled, it looked like it would hurt the muscles in her face.
00:24:44I knew she was following me because she was at places that had nothing to do with her.
00:24:47I'd be looking around like, what is this old bitch doing in GameStop and Foot Lock
00:24:50and all the places I like to go?
00:24:51Every time I see her, she'd just be looking at me on me.
00:24:56And eventually, I forgot about her.
00:24:59So then after I'm shopping, I go all the way to the back of the parking lot.
00:25:02I'm parked all the way in the back.
00:25:04And as soon as I open my car door, I hear her voice go,
00:25:07David Chappelle.
00:25:09Just like that.
00:25:10I didn't even have to look.
00:25:11I knew it was her.
00:25:13And I look back and sure enough, there she was.
00:25:15That face.
00:25:17To be honest with you, she probably wasn't even that old.
00:25:21She's probably around my age.
00:25:24But she was a white woman.
00:25:25This bitch looked terrible.
00:25:33Going all the way.
00:25:36I kept my cool.
00:25:37I was nice.
00:25:38I said, hello, miss.
00:25:40And she didn't say anything back.
00:25:41All she said was, I watch your comedy.
00:25:47I said, uh-oh.
00:25:49And then she says, this is true, she goes,
00:25:51it sounds to me like you hate women.
00:26:01I said, well, you know what, miss?
00:26:04It's art.
00:26:05And you're free to interpret this art however you'd like.
00:26:08But I can tell you, as the maker of this art,
00:26:11that I don't believe that I feel that way.
00:26:14And she said, well, I think.
00:26:16And I said, shut up, bitch.
00:26:18Shut the fuck up.
00:26:22Before I kill you and put you in the trunk.
00:26:24Ain't nobody around here.
00:26:32I'm just kidding, I didn't say that.
00:26:35I felt that way, but that's not what I said.
00:26:38I was more clever than that.
00:26:39You know what I said?
00:26:40And this is exactly what I said.
00:26:41I said, miss, before you finish that statement,
00:26:43let me ask you a question.
00:26:44Where'd you see me?
00:26:46Did you buy a ticket to a concert?
00:26:48I did.
00:26:49I didn't know about that.
00:26:50Or, or, or, maybe you watched one of my specials on Netflix.
00:26:55Or, or, did I follow you to your car and do my act?
00:27:02She said, what?
00:27:03I said, keep it in the comment section.
00:27:05This is real life.
00:27:06Ta-ta.
00:27:15And then I drove off.
00:27:16Now, I got to tell you, and this is going to surprise some people here, but not everybody.
00:27:23People say things to me all the time, but what you don't know is it does affect me.
00:27:28I think about it.
00:27:29And that one bothered me a lot.
00:27:30And that one bothered me a lot.
00:27:31I was driving home.
00:27:32Couldn't stop thinking about what this woman said, because she's not the first woman that
00:27:36said that to me.
00:27:38It's puzzling.
00:27:39You know what I mean?
00:27:40Like, what could I possibly be saying that would make these bitches think I hate women?
00:27:47Couldn't figure it out.
00:27:55So you know what I did?
00:27:57I Googled the dictionary definition of a feminist, just to make sure I was talking about the right
00:28:03thing.
00:28:04And do you know, sir, what the dictionary definition of a feminist is?
00:28:10I didn't either.
00:28:11Listen to this.
00:28:12Webster's defines a feminist as a human being, not a woman, a human being that believes in
00:28:23equal rights for women.
00:28:25I was shocked that that's what that meant.
00:28:28Because by that definition, I would consider myself a feminist.
00:28:32And I didn't even know that at the time.
00:28:35All these years, I thought it meant frumpy dyke.
00:28:50Well, that's who's always talking to be some chicken overalls.
00:28:55Men are trying to rape us.
00:28:56Ah, not you, bitch.
00:28:57We please.
00:29:05I know.
00:29:06Look.
00:29:07Listen.
00:29:08Listen.
00:29:09I support the feminist movement.
00:29:12I do.
00:29:13In my own ways.
00:29:14When you guys did the women's march, I tried to go and support you.
00:29:18And none of my friends would go with me.
00:29:20I asked all the fellas.
00:29:21None of them wanted to go.
00:29:22I tried everything.
00:29:23Come on, y'all.
00:29:24There's gonna be bitches there.
00:29:25They was like, nope.
00:29:26So what I did is I called my friend Ange.
00:29:31Ange is a black woman who's a comedy writer, and she's dope.
00:29:35Matter of fact, matter of fact, she's the only woman that I know personally
00:29:40that pays her ex-husband alimony.
00:29:43And she sounds just like a man when she does it.
00:29:46Fuck that broke motherfucker and all that.
00:29:47She says all that shit.
00:29:52So I hit Ange up.
00:29:53And I hit her on the text.
00:29:54And all I did, I texted her.
00:29:55I said, Ange, are you going to the women's march?
00:29:58And she texted me back, and this is a real text.
00:30:01She said, she said, I hope those white bitches get tear-gassed.
00:30:17There's a problem in that feminist movement, isn't there?
00:30:21From its inception in America, there's always been a racial component.
00:30:26When Susan B. Anthony was having that meeting and Sojourner Truth's black ass showed up.
00:30:31Read your history books.
00:30:33All them white women asked Sojourner Truth not to speak.
00:30:37They didn't want to conflate the issues of women's rights and slavery.
00:30:41But you know how black bitches are.
00:30:43Sojourner Truth went up there anyway.
00:30:45She did a famous speech.
00:30:55She said, ain't I a woman?
00:30:57Ain't I a woman?
00:30:58Ain't I a woman?
00:30:59That's right.
00:31:00And listen, listen, listen.
00:31:02I supported the Me Too movement.
00:31:05But the whole time, the whole time, I thought that the way they handled that was stupid.
00:31:14It was.
00:31:16It was white.
00:31:17It was like...
00:31:21They were doing shit like going to the Golden Globes.
00:31:24And all of them would be like, let's all go to the Golden Globes and wear black dresses.
00:31:28Give these men a piece of our minds.
00:31:30Bitch, that is not gonna work.
00:31:32You think Martin Luther King's gonna be like, I want everybody to keep riding the bus, but wear matching outfits.
00:31:38You gotta get off the bus and walk.
00:31:45It's real talk.
00:31:47Real talk that was a silly movement.
00:31:49I want everybody to wear a crocheted pussy hat so they know we're serious.
00:31:53What the fuck was y'all doing?
00:31:57And then I said something about it in one of my specials and all these women actresses came after me.
00:32:04I said, man, fuck y'all too.
00:32:05You canceled.
00:32:06I ain't jerking off to none of your pictures again.
00:32:13They were like, who is he to tell us anything?
00:32:16I'll tell you exactly who I am.
00:32:20I'm the one that got off the bus and left $50 million on the bus and walked.
00:32:27I agreed with these women.
00:32:37I just didn't agree with what they were doing about.
00:32:44Right.
00:32:45Right.
00:32:46No, it was annoying as fuck.
00:32:49Because if these women were serious, you know what they would have done?
00:32:52They all would have fired their agents.
00:32:54And they would have went to the mail room of one of these big agencies and found a woman that was busting her hump in there and said, if you want to talk to us, then you have to talk to her.
00:33:04And if they did that, then she would be big and they would be big and nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein.
00:33:11But did they do that?
00:33:12No.
00:33:13Was that their idea?
00:33:14No.
00:33:15Surprisingly, it was mine.
00:33:18And what I think the feminist movement needs to be very successful is a male leader.
00:33:34I'll do it.
00:33:36I will.
00:33:37I will lead you women to the promised land.
00:33:39I will make sure you get equal pay, equal work.
00:33:42I will make sure that nobody harasses you or fucks with you on the job.
00:33:46I will protect all of your interests and all that I ask for in return.
00:33:52Is that you suck my dick?
00:33:57And now we're right back to square one, aren't we?
00:34:12And now we get to the core of the crisis.
00:34:14What?
00:34:17What is a woman?
00:34:19What is that in this day and time?
00:34:21Is there even such thing as a woman or a man or anything?
00:34:24Hmm.
00:34:26Hmm.
00:34:27Seems to be a question nowadays.
00:34:30Now listen, women get mad at me.
00:34:32Gay people get mad at me.
00:34:33Lesbians get mad at me.
00:34:34But I'm going to tell you right now, and it's true.
00:34:35These transgenders.
00:34:37These niggas want me dead.
00:34:41I've gone too far.
00:34:45I've said too much.
00:34:47And I got to tell you, I'm very worried about it.
00:34:51I'm not even joking.
00:34:52Every time I come out on stage, I'd be scared.
00:34:55I'd be looking around the crowd.
00:34:57Searching.
00:34:59For Knuckles and Adam's apples to see where the threats might be coming from.
00:35:02A nigga came up to me on the street the other day.
00:35:10He said, careful, Dave.
00:35:11They after you.
00:35:12I said, what?
00:35:16One they or many theys?
00:35:18Before I even say anything about that community, you must know, and I hope you all feel the
00:35:36same way, I am not indifferent to the suffering of someone else.
00:35:42There's laws, the mean laws, in our country.
00:35:45North Carolina passed a law once that said a person in North Carolina must use the restroom
00:35:49that corresponds with the gender they were assigned on their birth certificate.
00:35:56No, no, no, no.
00:35:59No, that's not a good law.
00:36:01That's a mean law.
00:36:03No American should have to present a birth certificate to take a shit at Walmart in Greensboro,
00:36:09North Carolina, where the baby shot and killed a motherfucker.
00:36:15You have to ask yourself, if you're thinking about it, who are these laws designed to protect?
00:36:23Like, let's say they designed this law to protect me, my interests, transphobic comedian Dave Chappelle.
00:36:30And let's say that I'm, uh, I'm in Walmart, uh, doing a little shopping with my family.
00:36:39Now, I should tell you, if that ever happens in real life, you should know that my dreams didn't work out.
00:36:46But let's say something goes horribly wrong, and there I am in Walmart with the poor whites rummaging around for mediocre goods and services.
00:36:58And then I gotta go to the restroom.
00:37:06So I excuse myself and my family, I go to the men's room.
00:37:09Now I'm standing at the urinal, taking a leak.
00:37:11And, and, and this is what this law is gonna do.
00:37:15And suddenly, a woman walks into the men's room.
00:37:19I'm gonna be like, that's strange.
00:37:23And then she stands shoulder to shoulder with me at the urinal.
00:37:26I'm gonna be like, ugh, bitch, what's going on with you?
00:37:28And then she hikes her skirt up and pulls a real-life meaty dick out.
00:37:40And what do you think I'm gonna say?
00:37:46Thank God she's in here with me.
00:37:50At least now I know my family's safe.
00:37:55Mm-mm.
00:37:56No, I'm not gonna feel that way at all.
00:37:58I'm gonna feel very uncomfortable.
00:38:00I would feel better if it was a man with a vagina.
00:38:05Backed up to the urinal next to me.
00:38:13I wouldn't even think about that.
00:38:14I'd just be like, hmm, that's funny.
00:38:19This guy is peeing out of his butt for some reason.
00:38:21Oh, my God, he must be a veteran.
00:38:26Thank you for your service.
00:38:36I'm not indifferent to people suffering,
00:38:38because I know it's hard to be everybody.
00:38:41We blacks, we just got our first big holiday in a long time.
00:38:43Happy belated Juneteenth to the blacks.
00:38:53Juneteenth is a strange holiday, isn't it?
00:38:56It commemorates when black people in Texarkana area of the country
00:39:01first found out they were free.
00:39:02But remember, they were free when they found out.
00:39:06They just didn't know it yet.
00:39:09Very, very interesting holiday.
00:39:13You know, I learned something.
00:39:15This is a wild story.
00:39:17I learned this past Juneteenth of a story that's true,
00:39:21and there was a black man who was in South Carolina during slavery
00:39:24who somehow got granted his freedom by his so-called master.
00:39:30And when his master granted him the freedom,
00:39:33he also gave him a plot of land.
00:39:35Now, it turns out this brother was brilliant.
00:39:37He had a good eye, a good knack for farming,
00:39:40and he farmed this plot of land very successfully
00:39:43and made a lot of money.
00:39:45And this is where the story gets crazy.
00:39:47When he got all that money,
00:39:48this nigga bought some slaves.
00:39:55Have you ever heard this before?
00:39:56This is a true story.
00:39:58Not only was he a slave owner,
00:39:59he became a slave breeder
00:40:01and employed tactics that were so cruel,
00:40:03even white slave owners were like,
00:40:05yo, my man.
00:40:08He was a wild dude, but he did it
00:40:10just because that's what successful people did at the time,
00:40:13and he just wanted to be down.
00:40:15What a fucking tragedy.
00:40:16How can a person that went through slavery
00:40:20perpetrate the same evil on a person
00:40:22that looks just like him?
00:40:23It's mind-blowing.
00:40:25And, shockingly, they're making a movie about him.
00:40:30Ironically, it's called Space Jukes.
00:40:41Space Jukes.
00:40:46Space Jukes.
00:40:48Space Jukes.
00:40:50The point of that story is,
00:40:51this person was invested in a construct.
00:40:54That that was the construct of successful people,
00:40:56and he just followed the road map of successful people.
00:40:58He followed what they call an incentive.
00:41:02Now, everyone struggles,
00:41:06but I'm very invested in the gender construct personally,
00:41:08in the gender construct, personally,
00:41:13because I'm a man with kids and a wife,
00:41:15and I like that warm, wet, soft pussy that my wife has.
00:41:24This does not mean that I feel like another point of view
00:41:28can't exist.
00:41:33I was doing a nightclub in Oakland 16 years ago,
00:41:35and this is the first time that the trans community
00:41:38ever got mad at me that I knew about,
00:41:40and I was nobody.
00:41:41I'd just quit Chappelle's show.
00:41:42It was like a nothing-ho-in-the-wall club,
00:41:44and I was doing some transgender jokes in Oakland.
00:41:46It was 16 years ago.
00:41:48My pronoun gang was not as nice as it is today.
00:41:52I went too far.
00:41:53I said things like tranny and shit.
00:41:54I didn't know these words were bad,
00:41:56and a woman stood up and just gave me the business,
00:41:58started screaming at me, and I'm sure it was a woman,
00:42:00but she kept calling me transphobic and all this shit.
00:42:04I'd never even heard these words before.
00:42:05It was really weird.
00:42:07I didn't trip.
00:42:08I just gave security to look like,
00:42:09you know, get that bitch out of here.
00:42:15I kept it moving.
00:42:17And then she went to the press,
00:42:18and the next day, one of the gay papers
00:42:20wrote all the same things she had said to me
00:42:22about me in the paper.
00:42:24Misquoted the jokes and was calling me transphobic.
00:42:26And again, all these words.
00:42:27I'd never heard them before,
00:42:28but every time that I talk with anybody
00:42:30from that community since,
00:42:32they always repeat the talking points from that article.
00:42:35My least favorite of which being,
00:42:37and I hate this phrase,
00:42:38they say,
00:42:39I was punching down on them.
00:42:43Punching down.
00:42:45What the fuck does that mean?
00:42:46Now, fast forward.
00:42:51It's 2019.
00:42:53I'm in a restaurant in Ohio.
00:42:55Very nice restaurant.
00:42:57It's Thanksgiving week.
00:42:59And to be honest,
00:43:00it's not a very nice restaurant,
00:43:02but it's a nice restaurant
00:43:05if you're a white person from Ohio
00:43:07that's never been anywhere before.
00:43:08Picture Chili's.
00:43:17I'm sitting in the bar.
00:43:18I'm having a drink by myself.
00:43:19And the only other person in the bar
00:43:21is a woman,
00:43:21a couple stools down.
00:43:22And she was alone.
00:43:24She was older.
00:43:24And that made me feel sad
00:43:25because it was the holidays.
00:43:27So I told the bartender,
00:43:28send that woman a drink on me.
00:43:30She's trying to spread the cheer.
00:43:32And I wish I didn't.
00:43:35This woman wanted to talk.
00:43:37She wasn't mean.
00:43:38She was nice.
00:43:39But she just wanted to talk about shit.
00:43:40You know what I mean?
00:43:41A nigga that's trying to get drunk
00:43:42don't want to hear about this bitch
00:43:43remodeling her bathroom.
00:43:45I'm sitting there trying to be polite.
00:43:46Oh, subway towels.
00:43:48Word.
00:43:52But then she hits a lick.
00:43:55Piqued my interest.
00:43:57She says,
00:43:58my daughter is coming home
00:43:59for the holidays.
00:44:00Oh, that's great news.
00:44:01I'm glad she's not going to be alone.
00:44:03And then she goes on and on
00:44:04about how great her daughter is.
00:44:06I guess her daughter
00:44:07got a new agent
00:44:08and she's out in Hollywood.
00:44:10She's in movies
00:44:10and on television
00:44:11and all this stuff.
00:44:12And she's telling me this.
00:44:14I'm thinking,
00:44:14this woman is so sweet.
00:44:16She probably doesn't even know
00:44:17who I am
00:44:18or what I do for a living.
00:44:21Because I know
00:44:22what your daughter's
00:44:25out in Hollywood doing.
00:44:26And then she goes,
00:44:32would you like to see her picture?
00:44:33Oh, no, I don't want to see
00:44:34this woman's picture.
00:44:35But what am I going to do?
00:44:36I go, okay, yeah, sure.
00:44:37I'd love to.
00:44:37I'd love to see the picture.
00:44:38And I grab the picture
00:44:39and this is all I say.
00:44:41This is all I say.
00:44:42Oh.
00:44:45She's very beautiful.
00:44:47And as she puts the picture away,
00:44:48she looks mean all of a sudden.
00:44:50like, she caught me
00:44:52in some kind of trap.
00:44:53What does that face mean?
00:44:54And then she goes,
00:44:55she's transgender.
00:45:00And I think to myself,
00:45:01oh, this bitch
00:45:02does know who I am.
00:45:11I really resented that trap
00:45:12because that trap
00:45:13doesn't let me be honest.
00:45:15If I was honest,
00:45:15I wouldn't have fallen for it.
00:45:16I just looked at the picture like,
00:45:17oh, look at that big chisel jawline
00:45:20and that big, thick Joe Rogan neck.
00:45:22Is that a dude?
00:45:25Is your daughter a man?
00:45:28Can't say that shit.
00:45:32It's really annoying.
00:45:37Fast forward now.
00:45:38It's a couple days later.
00:45:40It's the Wednesday.
00:45:44For the Thursday,
00:45:45that's Thanksgiving.
00:45:46And I'm in a totally different bar.
00:45:48And this bar, trust me,
00:45:49it's not a nice place.
00:45:52It's foul.
00:45:53It's one of those bars
00:45:54with the top shelf
00:45:55should be under the sink.
00:45:59This is where the poor whites drink.
00:46:01The Tiki Torch whites.
00:46:04You know what I mean?
00:46:04Them white people,
00:46:05they believe in Q
00:46:06and they love Trump.
00:46:08You know what I mean?
00:46:08Like Michigan white people.
00:46:09I remember when I was at this bar one time,
00:46:22this is what kind of bar it is.
00:46:23I was in there one time,
00:46:24I was fucked up.
00:46:25And I turn around to everybody in the bar,
00:46:26I go, hey everybody,
00:46:27I'm going to buy everyone in the bar
00:46:28around the drinks.
00:46:29And all the motherfuckers are like,
00:46:30hoorah!
00:46:32And the bartender knew I was drunk,
00:46:33so she pulled me aside.
00:46:34Miss Chappelle,
00:46:35are you sure about that?
00:46:38That's going to be $16.
00:46:46Tough time for the whites.
00:46:51And this was a holiday weekend,
00:46:53you know what I mean?
00:46:53These motherfuckers
00:46:54was having a rootin' tootin' time.
00:46:55They was in their party
00:46:56and making all them noises.
00:46:57You know all them noises
00:47:02white people make
00:47:02before lynching?
00:47:03They was doing all that shit.
00:47:09I was drunk.
00:47:11I looked over my shoulder,
00:47:13I thought I was trippin'.
00:47:14I guess who was in the bar,
00:47:16I thought I was seein' things.
00:47:17I looked across the room
00:47:18and I saw
00:47:20the trans bitch
00:47:23from the picture.
00:47:24I couldn't believe it.
00:47:28I said,
00:47:29what is a trans person
00:47:30doin' in a place like this?
00:47:31This is very dangerous behavior.
00:47:34And she was with
00:47:35two big,
00:47:37buff,
00:47:38gay,
00:47:39black dudes.
00:47:40I didn't know these dudes,
00:47:41but I know they was gay.
00:47:44They had a dick in their mouth,
00:47:45they wouldn't look any gayer
00:47:46than they did just sittin' there.
00:47:49They had 1980s gay face,
00:47:51you know what that is?
00:47:52Remember in the 80s
00:47:52when gay people looked surprised
00:47:53all the time?
00:48:01Close your mouth,
00:48:02nigga,
00:48:03what's surprising?
00:48:03You know what I mean?
00:48:05But they was huge,
00:48:06they looked like
00:48:06Juicy Smouye's trainers.
00:48:11And I'm thinkin',
00:48:12man,
00:48:12these motherfuckers
00:48:13in the line of trouble.
00:48:14So what I do is,
00:48:15I stand up,
00:48:16and everybody in the bar
00:48:17likes me,
00:48:18so I make a big show of it
00:48:19to make sure
00:48:19that everyone can hear me.
00:48:21I walk right up to her,
00:48:22and I go,
00:48:22hey!
00:48:24I just met your mother
00:48:25the other night,
00:48:26and she told me
00:48:27all the great things
00:48:27you're doin' in Hollywood,
00:48:28and I cannot believe
00:48:29that someone from
00:48:30a podunk place like this
00:48:31can achieve all that.
00:48:33I'm so proud of you.
00:48:34Welcome home.
00:48:35And the whole bar
00:48:36said,
00:48:36hoorah!
00:48:39And I said,
00:48:40whish.
00:48:42That ought to buy her
00:48:43for some time.
00:48:46You know what I mean?
00:48:47A couple more drinks,
00:48:48and these fellas
00:48:48are gonna start
00:48:49asking her for some pussy
00:48:51she might not have.
00:48:59And she was very gracious.
00:49:02She said,
00:49:02thank you so much,
00:49:03and we shook hands,
00:49:04and as she was shaking my hand,
00:49:05her face turned mean,
00:49:06like her mom's.
00:49:07And she said,
00:49:10do you mind
00:49:11not punching down
00:49:13on my people?
00:49:14Ooh, I don't like that.
00:49:16Normally,
00:49:17I would've let it go,
00:49:18but I was drunk.
00:49:20I said,
00:49:21what might you mean, bitch?
00:49:22I was careful
00:49:26to call her a bitch
00:49:27because I didn't
00:49:27want to blow her cover.
00:49:32Turns out
00:49:33she wasn't hiding.
00:49:34She was loud.
00:49:35She was proud.
00:49:37She let me have it
00:49:37in front of everybody.
00:49:39Screaming at me,
00:49:39all the talking points
00:49:40from that article.
00:49:41You transphobic,
00:49:42this and that.
00:49:42Kept clapping her hands
00:49:43in my face.
00:49:44Let me tell you something.
00:49:45I said,
00:49:46where you learned this from?
00:49:46Black bitches kept doing it.
00:49:47Let me tell you something.
00:49:49So annoying.
00:49:55She kept calling
00:49:56transgenders her people.
00:49:58Isn't that weird?
00:49:59My people this,
00:50:00my people that.
00:50:01I said,
00:50:02what do you mean your people?
00:50:03Was y'all kidnapped
00:50:04in Transylvanian,
00:50:05brought here as slaves?
00:50:12She said,
00:50:13my people have struggled
00:50:14for decades, honey.
00:50:15Decades!
00:50:17And I looked at them
00:50:17gay black dudes like,
00:50:19is there anything
00:50:21you niggas need
00:50:21to tell this bitch?
00:50:24Clifford, Clifford.
00:50:31I'm exaggerating.
00:50:32She's actually
00:50:33a very nice person
00:50:34and I'm cool with her now,
00:50:35but boy,
00:50:36that shit got on my nerves.
00:50:38And it got on my nerves
00:50:39because whenever someone
00:50:40says that to me,
00:50:41I know they've never seen me
00:50:42for themselves.
00:50:43They just repeat
00:50:44what they've heard.
00:50:46Any of you
00:50:47who have ever watched me
00:50:49know
00:50:49that I have never
00:50:51had a problem
00:50:53with transgender people.
00:50:55If you listen
00:50:56to what I'm saying,
00:50:58clearly,
00:50:59my problem
00:50:59has always been
00:51:00with white people.
00:51:09I have been arguing
00:51:11with the whites
00:51:11my entire career.
00:51:14Just when I thought
00:51:14I had you guys
00:51:15on the ropes,
00:51:16you changed all the rules.
00:51:17Oh, yeah?
00:51:18Yeah, motherfucker!
00:51:19Well,
00:51:20I'm a girl now,
00:51:23nigger,
00:51:23and you must treat me
00:51:24as such.
00:51:28Call me a girl,
00:51:29nigger.
00:51:33It's annoying as fuck.
00:51:37No, no.
00:51:38Go back.
00:51:39Go back tonight
00:51:40after this show.
00:51:41Watch every special
00:51:42I did on Netflix.
00:51:43Listen to everything
00:51:43I ever said
00:51:44about that community.
00:51:45I'll go through them.
00:51:46I said,
00:51:46how much do I have
00:51:47to participate
00:51:48in your self-image?
00:51:49I said,
00:51:49you shouldn't discuss
00:51:50this in front of black people.
00:51:51I said,
00:51:51I know niggers in Brooklyn
00:51:52that we're high heels
00:51:53just to feel safe.
00:51:54I asked you,
00:51:55why is it easier
00:51:56for Bruce Jenner
00:51:57to change his gender
00:51:58than it is for Cassius Clay
00:52:00to change his name?
00:52:06If you listen
00:52:07to what I'm saying,
00:52:09I'm not even
00:52:09talking about them.
00:52:11I'm talking about us,
00:52:12and they
00:52:13don't
00:52:15listen.
00:52:18It's very annoying.
00:52:20And they've canceled
00:52:22people that are
00:52:23more powerful
00:52:24than me.
00:52:26They canceled
00:52:27J.K. Rowling.
00:52:28My God,
00:52:28J.K. Rowling
00:52:29wrote all the
00:52:30Harry Potter books
00:52:31by herself.
00:52:33She sold
00:52:34so many books,
00:52:34the Bible worries
00:52:35about her.
00:52:39And they canceled
00:52:40it because she said
00:52:41in an interview,
00:52:41and this is not
00:52:42exactly what she said,
00:52:43but effectually,
00:52:44she said,
00:52:45gender was a fact.
00:52:46And then the
00:52:48trans community
00:52:49got mad as shit.
00:52:50They started
00:52:50calling her a TERF.
00:52:52I didn't even know
00:52:52what the fuck
00:52:53that was.
00:52:54But I know that
00:52:55trans people
00:52:56make up words
00:52:57to win arguments.
00:53:02So I looked it up.
00:53:05TERF is an acronym.
00:53:07Stands for
00:53:08Trans Exclusionary
00:53:09Radical Feminist.
00:53:10This is a real thing.
00:53:11This is a group
00:53:11of women
00:53:12that hate transgender.
00:53:14They don't hate
00:53:15transgender women,
00:53:16but they look
00:53:16at trans women
00:53:17the way we blacks
00:53:18might look at blackface.
00:53:19It offends them.
00:53:20Like, ooh,
00:53:21this bitch is doing
00:53:21an impression of me.
00:53:28Now, I shouldn't
00:53:29speak on this
00:53:30because I am not a woman
00:53:32nor am I a trans.
00:53:35But as we've established,
00:53:37I am a feminist.
00:53:41That's right.
00:53:45I'm Team Turf.
00:53:50I agree.
00:53:53I agree, man.
00:53:55Gender is a fact.
00:53:57You have to look at it
00:53:58from a woman's perspective.
00:54:00Look at it like this.
00:54:01Caitlyn Jenner,
00:54:02whom I've met,
00:54:03wonderful person,
00:54:04Caitlyn Jenner
00:54:05was voted
00:54:07woman of the year.
00:54:10Her first year
00:54:12as a woman.
00:54:13Ain't that something?
00:54:14Beat every bitch
00:54:15in Detroit.
00:54:16She's better
00:54:16than all of you.
00:54:19Never even had a period.
00:54:20Ain't that something?
00:54:23Oh, I'd be mad as shit
00:54:24if I was a woman.
00:54:25I'd be mad if I was me.
00:54:26If I was in a BET Awards
00:54:28sitting there
00:54:28and they're like,
00:54:29and the winner
00:54:29for nigger of the year,
00:54:33Eminem,
00:54:34my man.
00:54:34Gender is a fact.
00:54:44This is a fact.
00:54:45Every human being
00:54:45in this room,
00:54:46every human being
00:54:47on Earth
00:54:47had to pass
00:54:49through the legs
00:54:49of a woman
00:54:50to be on Earth.
00:54:52That is a fact.
00:54:57Now,
00:54:58I am not saying
00:55:01that to say
00:55:02that trans women
00:55:04aren't women.
00:55:07I am just saying
00:55:08that those pussies
00:55:10that they got,
00:55:11you know what I mean?
00:55:22I'm not saying
00:55:23it's not pussy,
00:55:24but that's like
00:55:24beyond pussy
00:55:26or impossible pussy.
00:55:27You know what I mean?
00:55:28It tastes like pussy,
00:55:30but that's not quite
00:55:31what it is, is it?
00:55:32It's not blood,
00:55:34that's beet juice.
00:55:43Oh, buddy,
00:55:44I'm in trouble now.
00:55:54Before I go,
00:55:54I want to share
00:55:55this story with you
00:55:56because it's important
00:55:57to this point.
00:55:57I want your community
00:56:01to know
00:56:01that one of the coolest
00:56:02people I ever met
00:56:03was a transgender woman,
00:56:05and this is not
00:56:06a man that I knew
00:56:08that became a woman.
00:56:09This woman was trans
00:56:11when I met her.
00:56:12Lived in San Francisco.
00:56:14Daphne Dorman
00:56:14is the name.
00:56:16I would do 18 shows
00:56:18in the Bay Area,
00:56:19sometimes in Oakland,
00:56:20and Dirty Hood
00:56:21nightclub,
00:56:22and she would be there,
00:56:23a white trans woman,
00:56:24laughing loud and hard
00:56:26at everything I said,
00:56:28especially the trans jokes.
00:56:29It was very puzzling
00:56:30because she was
00:56:33obviously trans.
00:56:36And one night
00:56:37after one of the shows,
00:56:38I met her.
00:56:39And what it was,
00:56:41turns out,
00:56:43it was her dream
00:56:44to be a comedian.
00:56:45And I was a hero.
00:56:47It was very moving.
00:56:48I could not
00:56:49dislike somebody
00:56:50that felt that way
00:56:52about me.
00:56:53We became fast friends.
00:56:55And when I made
00:56:56that special
00:56:56Sticks and Stones,
00:56:57right as it was coming out,
00:56:59I happened to be
00:57:00in San Francisco
00:57:00and I wanted to do a show,
00:57:02but I needed
00:57:02an opening act.
00:57:03And I remembered
00:57:04that trans woman
00:57:06I had met.
00:57:07So I called her
00:57:08on the phone.
00:57:09And I called her myself.
00:57:11I said,
00:57:11hey, Daphne,
00:57:12this is Dave Chappelle.
00:57:12She couldn't believe it.
00:57:14And I go,
00:57:15I'm in San Francisco.
00:57:16And then she started
00:57:17saying a bunch
00:57:17of wild stuff.
00:57:18I was like,
00:57:19relax now.
00:57:19I don't want any pussy.
00:57:20I was, um...
00:57:21I was calling
00:57:27because I'm doing a show
00:57:28and I need
00:57:29an opening act.
00:57:31And I was wondering
00:57:31if you'd open the show.
00:57:32And she was like,
00:57:34fuck yeah.
00:57:35Now,
00:57:36I didn't know this
00:57:37at the time,
00:57:38but this woman
00:57:39had only done
00:57:40stand-up comedy
00:57:41eight times
00:57:41in her life.
00:57:42This is little
00:57:43to no experience.
00:57:44And now she's
00:57:45about to open
00:57:46a show
00:57:46for what many
00:57:47call the goat.
00:58:03She's an amateur
00:58:03in stature,
00:58:05but in practice
00:58:06she was very professional.
00:58:08She showed up early,
00:58:09which is something
00:58:10I appreciate
00:58:10because I like people
00:58:11to be on time.
00:58:12She was dressed
00:58:13to the motherfucking nines.
00:58:15I mean,
00:58:15I'm transphobic
00:58:16and even I was like,
00:58:17you look nice.
00:58:23Went up on the stage
00:58:24with all the swag
00:58:25of a professional comedian,
00:58:27grabbed that mic
00:58:28and walked right down
00:58:29the middle
00:58:29and looked at the crowd
00:58:30like a gangster.
00:58:31Man,
00:58:32you should have seen her work.
00:58:34This bitch bombed
00:58:34for 45 minutes straight.
00:58:38And I am not exaggerating,
00:58:40young man,
00:58:41that show was terrible.
00:58:43Stunk.
00:58:47Stunk.
00:58:48And then she brings me on
00:58:49and, you know,
00:58:50I was like a glass of water
00:58:52after a handful of salt.
00:58:53The crowd was happy
00:58:53to see me.
00:58:54I was killing it.
00:58:55But here's what impressed me.
00:59:00Any other comedian
00:59:01I've ever seen,
00:59:02if they had bombed
00:59:03as bad as she did,
00:59:04would have snuck
00:59:05out of the back
00:59:06of the theater
00:59:06and went home
00:59:07and cried or something.
00:59:08And she didn't do that.
00:59:09Not only did she not leave,
00:59:11she found a seat
00:59:12right up in front.
00:59:14You know,
00:59:14when a new comedian
00:59:15watches an experienced comedian
00:59:16in comedy,
00:59:17we call this taking class.
00:59:19And this bitch
00:59:19took my whole class.
00:59:20She sat up there
00:59:21and was laughing
00:59:23as hard as she always laughs,
00:59:24as if nothing bad
00:59:26had even happened to her.
00:59:27And I saw her show.
00:59:29Something bad happened to her.
00:59:35She was drunk.
00:59:38So she starts talking to me
00:59:39while I'm on stage.
00:59:40But the way a person
00:59:41would talk to a television
00:59:42when they were alone,
00:59:43she's talking to me like that.
00:59:44That didn't bother me
00:59:45because I knew her.
00:59:46But the crowd
00:59:47didn't like that shit at all
00:59:48because she sucked.
00:59:51And a guy in the back
00:59:52of the room stood up
00:59:53and Daphne's hair
00:59:54was dyed blonde
00:59:55at the time
00:59:56and the guy screamed out
00:59:57and his energy felt
00:59:58wild as fuck.
00:59:59He said,
00:59:59Hey, Daphne!
01:00:00And everybody kind of
01:00:01got tense.
01:00:02We didn't know
01:00:03if it was a heckler
01:00:03or an active shooter.
01:00:05And...
01:00:05He said...
01:00:09He said,
01:00:11Does the carpet
01:00:12match the drapes?
01:00:15Yeah, it was fucked up.
01:00:17The whole crowd
01:00:17kind of groaned
01:00:18because it was so,
01:00:19like, mean.
01:00:21Everybody groaned
01:00:22except for Daphne.
01:00:24She kind of laughed,
01:00:25which was weird.
01:00:26And then she didn't even
01:00:27look all the way back.
01:00:28She said,
01:00:29Sir, I don't have carpets.
01:00:31I have hardwood floors.
01:00:32Just like that.
01:00:34Just like that.
01:00:39And boy,
01:00:40when she said that shit,
01:00:41it blew the roof
01:00:42off the place.
01:00:44Cut through all the tension
01:00:45with that one joke
01:00:47she made up
01:00:48for 45 minutes
01:00:49of a stinker
01:00:50of a show.
01:00:53And after that,
01:00:54she could do no wrong.
01:00:55And I kept on rocking.
01:00:57She kept on talking to me.
01:00:59And then the show
01:00:59became something cooler
01:01:02than a show.
01:01:03She became like
01:01:04a conversation
01:01:04between a black man
01:01:05and a white trans woman
01:01:06and we started
01:01:07getting to the bottom of shit.
01:01:08All them questions
01:01:09that you think about
01:01:10that you'd be afraid to ask,
01:01:11I was just asking them
01:01:13and she was answering them
01:01:14and her answers
01:01:15were funny as shit.
01:01:16The crowd was falling
01:01:16out of their chairs.
01:01:18And at the end of the show,
01:01:19I go,
01:01:19oh, Daphne?
01:01:20I said,
01:01:20well, that was fun.
01:01:21I go,
01:01:21I love you to death,
01:01:22but I have no fucking idea
01:01:24what you're talking about.
01:01:25The whole crowd laughed
01:01:26except for Daphne.
01:01:29Now she looks at me
01:01:30like I'm not her friend anymore.
01:01:32Like I'm something bigger than me.
01:01:33Like I'm the whole world
01:01:34and the guy.
01:01:35And she said,
01:01:36I don't need you
01:01:37to understand me.
01:01:39I said, what?
01:01:40She said,
01:01:41I just need you to believe
01:01:42just like this.
01:01:43She goes,
01:01:44that I'm having
01:01:45a human experience.
01:01:47And when she said it,
01:01:49the whole crowd
01:01:50kind of gasped.
01:01:53And I gave her
01:01:53the fight club look.
01:01:56I said,
01:01:57I believe you, bitch.
01:02:01Because she didn't say
01:02:02anything about pronouns.
01:02:03She didn't say anything
01:02:05about me being in trouble.
01:02:06She said,
01:02:07just believe I'm a person
01:02:08and I'm going through it.
01:02:10And oh,
01:02:10I believe you
01:02:11because it takes one
01:02:12to know one.
01:02:14And then I told the crowd
01:02:27good night
01:02:27and they start going crazy.
01:02:28And before the applause
01:02:29gets to its crescendo,
01:02:31I say,
01:02:31and don't forget
01:02:32my opening act,
01:02:33Daphne.
01:02:34And the crowd stood up
01:02:35and I looked at her
01:02:37and tears came out
01:02:38of her eyes.
01:02:39She couldn't believe
01:02:39it was happening.
01:02:41I couldn't believe
01:02:41it was happening
01:02:42because her show stunk.
01:02:47And it was a great night.
01:02:48I remember the late,
01:02:49great Paul Mooney
01:02:50was there,
01:02:50a bunch of fly-ass
01:02:51comedy niggas
01:02:52was there.
01:02:52And we all went backstage
01:02:58and was just drinking
01:02:59and talking shit
01:03:00and laughing
01:03:00and Daphne stole the room.
01:03:02She had everyone cracking up,
01:03:04spinning the yarn,
01:03:04telling us all these crazy stories
01:03:06about shit she be into.
01:03:07We all laughing real hard
01:03:09and then she's telling us
01:03:10and everyone's laughing.
01:03:11I'm looking around
01:03:11and I'm like,
01:03:12oh my God,
01:03:12she is funny.
01:03:14I pulled her aside
01:03:15and I said,
01:03:15you're hilarious.
01:03:16I didn't know that
01:03:17when you were on stage.
01:03:21I said,
01:03:22you're doing some things
01:03:22wrong,
01:03:23but I can help you.
01:03:23I said,
01:03:24anytime I'm in San Francisco,
01:03:25why don't you open
01:03:26the show for me
01:03:26and I'll just try
01:03:27to give you some pointers
01:03:28and see if you can't
01:03:28work this thing out.
01:03:29And she said,
01:03:30are you serious?
01:03:31I was like,
01:03:32yeah.
01:03:33And she grabbed me
01:03:34real tight,
01:03:36hugged me,
01:03:37squeezed me.
01:03:38And I pushed her off
01:03:39violently
01:03:40because I'm transphobic.
01:03:42I said,
01:03:42boundaries, bitch!
01:03:43when Sticks and Stones
01:03:53came out,
01:03:55a lot of people
01:03:57in the trans community
01:03:58were furious with me
01:03:58and apparently
01:03:59they dragged me
01:04:00on Twitter.
01:04:01I don't give a fuck
01:04:01because Twitter's
01:04:02not a real place.
01:04:03And the hardest thing
01:04:14for a person to do
01:04:15is go against
01:04:17their tribe
01:04:17if they disagree
01:04:19with their tribe.
01:04:19But Daphne did that
01:04:21for me.
01:04:22She wrote a tweet
01:04:23that was very beautiful
01:04:24and what she said was,
01:04:26it was almost exactly
01:04:27what she said.
01:04:28She said,
01:04:29punching down on someone
01:04:30requires you to think
01:04:31less of them
01:04:31and I know him
01:04:33and he doesn't.
01:04:35He doesn't punch up,
01:04:36he doesn't punch down,
01:04:38he punches lines
01:04:39and he's a master
01:04:40at his craft.
01:04:42That's what she said.
01:04:50Beautiful tweet,
01:04:52beautiful friend.
01:04:53It took a lot of heart
01:04:54to defend me like that.
01:04:55And when she did that,
01:04:57the trans community
01:04:58dragged that bitch
01:05:00all over Twitter.
01:05:03For days,
01:05:04they was going in on her
01:05:05and she was holding her own
01:05:06because she's funny.
01:05:07But six days
01:05:09after that wonderful night
01:05:10I described to you,
01:05:11my friend Daphne
01:05:13killed herself.
01:05:16Oh, yeah.
01:05:17It's a true story.
01:05:18My heart was broken.
01:05:21Yeah, it wasn't the jokes.
01:05:23I don't know if it was
01:05:23them dragging her,
01:05:24I don't know what's going
01:05:25on in her life,
01:05:25but I bet dragging her
01:05:26didn't help.
01:05:28I was very angry at them.
01:05:29I was very angry at her.
01:05:32I felt like Daphne
01:05:32lied to me.
01:05:33She always says
01:05:34she identified as a woman
01:05:35and then one day
01:05:36she goes up to the roof
01:05:37of a building
01:05:38and jumps off
01:05:39and kills herself.
01:05:41Clearly,
01:05:43only a man would do
01:05:44some gangster shit
01:05:45like that.
01:05:48Hear me out.
01:05:50As hard as it is
01:05:52to hear a joke like that,
01:05:53I'm telling you right now,
01:05:55Daphne would have loved
01:05:55that joke.
01:05:57That's why she was my friend.
01:06:09I was reading her obituary
01:06:11and I found out
01:06:13she was survived
01:06:14by a daughter.
01:06:18And the moment
01:06:19I found that out,
01:06:19and this is true,
01:06:21Anderson Cooper
01:06:21from CNN
01:06:22text me.
01:06:25And all he said
01:06:25was very nice.
01:06:26He said,
01:06:26I'm sorry to hear
01:06:27about your friend.
01:06:28And I text him right back,
01:06:30uh,
01:06:30new phone,
01:06:31who this?
01:06:36He said,
01:06:36it's Anderson Cooper.
01:06:37I said,
01:06:38oh,
01:06:38I said,
01:06:38Anderson,
01:06:38I go,
01:06:39look,
01:06:39I need to find her family.
01:06:41And he texted me right back
01:06:42with all the phone numbers
01:06:43and all this information.
01:06:45I say this and say,
01:06:46if you ever want to know
01:06:46about anything gay,
01:06:47call Anderson Cooper
01:06:49from CNN,
01:06:50this nigga is faster
01:06:51than Google.
01:06:58And what I did
01:06:58is I got in touch
01:06:59with the family
01:07:00and I started
01:07:00a trust fund
01:07:01for her daughter
01:07:02because I know
01:07:03that's all
01:07:04she ever really cared about.
01:07:15And I don't know
01:07:15what the trans community
01:07:16did for her,
01:07:17but I don't care
01:07:17because I feel like
01:07:18she wasn't their tribe.
01:07:20She was mine.
01:07:22She was a comedian
01:07:22and her soul.
01:07:28Her daughter is very young,
01:07:30but I hope to be alive
01:07:31when she turns 21
01:07:34because I'm going
01:07:34to give her
01:07:35this money myself.
01:07:36And by then,
01:07:38by then,
01:07:39I'll be ready
01:07:40to have the conversation
01:07:41that I'm not ready
01:07:43to have today.
01:07:44But I'll tell
01:07:44that little girl,
01:07:45young lady,
01:07:47I knew your father.
01:07:51And he was
01:07:52a wonderful woman.
01:08:05Empathy
01:08:06is not gay.
01:08:09Empathy is not black.
01:08:10Empathy is bisexual.
01:08:15It must go both ways.
01:08:19It must go both ways.
01:08:23Remember,
01:08:24taking a man's livelihood
01:08:26is akin to killing him.
01:08:29I'm begging you,
01:08:31please do not abort the baby.
01:08:33Kevin Hart
01:08:44dreamt his entire life
01:08:48of hosting the Oscars.
01:08:50And when he finally
01:08:51got the job,
01:08:52they just took it.
01:08:55It's not fair.
01:08:57It didn't kill him.
01:08:58Kevin's a strong guy.
01:09:00But I'm sure
01:09:00it broke old Clifford's heart.
01:09:02It's over.
01:09:08L-B-G-T-Q,
01:09:10L-M-N-O-P-Q-I-Z,
01:09:11it is over.
01:09:13I am not telling
01:09:14another joke about you
01:09:15until we are both sure
01:09:17that we are laughing together.
01:09:20I'm telling you,
01:09:21this is done.
01:09:22I'm done talking about it.
01:09:23All I ask
01:09:24from your community,
01:09:26with all humility,
01:09:27will you please
01:09:30stop
01:09:31punching down
01:09:33on my people.
01:09:34Thank you very much
01:09:35and goodnight.
01:09:36And goodnight.
01:09:36I was terrified.
01:09:47I kept thinking
01:09:48I could never live
01:09:49without you by my side.
01:09:51But then I spent
01:09:52so many nights
01:09:53thinking how you did me wrong.
01:09:55And I grew strong.
01:09:57And I learned
01:09:58how to get along
01:09:59And so you're back
01:10:01from outer space.
01:10:03I just walked in
01:10:04to find you here
01:10:05with that sad look
01:10:06upon your face.
01:10:07I should have changed
01:10:08that stupid lock.
01:10:10I should have made you
01:10:11leave your key.
01:10:12If I'd have known
01:10:13for just one second
01:10:14you'd be back
01:10:15to bother me.
01:10:16Oh, now go
01:10:17Walk out the door
01:10:19Just turn around now
01:10:21Cause you're not
01:10:23welcome anymore
01:10:24Weren't you the one
01:10:26who tried to hurt me
01:10:27with goodbye?
01:10:28You think I'd crumble
01:10:29You think I'd lay down
01:10:32and die
01:10:32Oh, no, not I
01:10:33I will survive
01:10:35Oh, as long as
01:10:38I know how to love
01:10:39I know I'll feel alive
01:10:40I've got all my life
01:10:42to live
01:10:42I've got all my love
01:10:44to give
01:10:44And I'll survive
01:10:46I will survive
01:10:48Hey, hey
01:10:50It took all the strength
01:11:06I had
01:11:07not to fall apart
01:11:09And tried hard
01:11:10to live the pieces
01:11:11of my broken heart
01:11:13And I've been old
01:11:14so many nights
01:11:15Just feeling sorry
01:11:16for myself
01:11:17I used to cry
01:11:18But now I hold
01:11:20my head up high
01:11:21And you see me
01:11:23Somebody new
01:11:25I'm not that changed
01:11:27I've got a little person
01:11:28Still in love with you
01:11:29And so you felt like
01:11:31dropping in
01:11:32And just expect me
01:11:33to be free
01:11:34Now I'm saving
01:11:35all my loving
01:11:36For someone
01:11:37who's loving me
01:11:38Lord, now go
01:11:39Walk out the door
01:11:41Just turn around now
01:11:43Cause you're not
01:11:45welcome anymore
01:11:46Weren't you the one
01:11:48who tried to break me
01:11:49with goodbye?
01:11:50You think I'd crumble
01:11:51You think I'd lay down
01:11:54This is protected
01:12:00by the red
01:12:01the black
01:12:02and the green
01:12:04at the crossroad
01:12:06with a key
01:12:07Aander
01:12:10But now we all
01:12:12have to be about
01:12:13And a couple of
01:12:14a active
01:12:15emotions
01:12:16with a
01:12:18know
01:12:20of
01:12:21the
01:12:21mother
01:12:22and
01:12:23mother
01:12:23father
01:12:24and
01:12:24the
01:12:25love
01:12:26Instead of
01:12:27mother
01:12:28about
01:12:30fear
01:12:32The
Recommended
7:12
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